You're Always Worried About Me

"No!" I gasped, bolting upright in bed. Breathing hard, my heart fluttering in my chest so fast it felt like I couldn't breathe, I looked around the darkened room. I somehow had managed not to wake anyone. Unlike last night. They'd asked me about what'd happened as soon as I returned from sitting on Half-Blood Hill with Peleus and watching the sunrise. I'd brushed it off as a particularly bad nightmare. I wasn't prepared to tell…anyone about what my dreams had morphed into.

Having gathered my bearings, I lifted my shaking hand, just to make sure it was real. I fisted it and set it down again, closing my eyes and trying to get my breathing under control. I could feel the panic rising inside me. My whole body prickled it was almost deafening. And it certainly wasn't helping the panic attack.

Trying not to cry out or yelp, I struggled to my feet, getting tangled in the sheets momentarily. With severely shaking hands, I grabbed my bottle of pills and quickly darted into the bathroom. Without turning on the lights, I struggled to open the lid. With each passing second, the more panic rose in my chest, the more it felt like something was sitting on my ribcage. My breaths became quicker and quicker.

The lid finally burst open, spilling pills all over the floor. I dropped the bottle and lid before clumsily falling to my knees and grabbing two pills. I went over to one of the sinks, popping the pills into my mouth before turning on the tap and sticking my head under, slurping at the water to help me swallow the pills. I leaned heavily against the counter, sinking to the floor, hugging my legs to my chest and focusing on getting my breathing under control.

I could feel the tears just on the edge, but I wasn't going to sob again. I didn't think I'd be able to handle it mentally, emotionally, and physically. I had chores, I had activities to go to, I had to recover from this panic attack, I had to work up the nerve to walk through the front room of the Big House—I had a busy day ahead of me. I needed all the energy I could get. Crying would simply exhaust me.

When I finally felt I'd gotten my anxiety somewhat under control, I sluggishly crawled back over to the bottle and spilled pills. Slowly, I pushed the pills back into the bottle haphazardly, before popping the lid back on. Then I got to my feet, got dressed, grabbed my weapons, slipped on my shoes, and headed to the pine tree.

Peleus, to my surprise, was waiting. He huffed smoke as I approached and I couldn't help but smile.

"Morning, buddy," I greeted him as I got the crest, sitting down next to him. He shifted, so that his head and neck was right next to me. I scooted a little closer and leaned against him, the warmth helping to chase away the pins and needles.

As we waited for the sunrise that I could feel was about five minutes away, I started humming a little tune. Peleus rumbled beneath me contentedly. (This would become our new routine, though sometimes I'd sing instead of hum.)

Once the sun had fully risen above the horizon, I stood, pulling out my music player and headphones. Peleus grumbled, puffing more smoke. I laughed.

"You can pick the song tomorrow, okay?" I asked, putting my earpieces in and scrolling through the player to choose a song. Peleus huffed before shifting to be more around the tree again, but not before stretching his legs and wings. The wind from him batting them nearly knocking me over.

"You're such a drama queen." I joked as I made my way down the hill. Half-way down, a burst of flame hit the grass next to me. I jumped away before realizing where it'd came from and glared at our guard-dragon over my shoulder. Peleus wasn't looking at me, instead, he was looking at something in the sky, pointedly ignoring me. "Maybe I won't let you pick the song after all."

Peleus's head snapped back in my direction and he huffed, grumbling.

I smiled and shrugged before turning around and making my way toward the outside restrooms.

As I was taking out the bucket now full of soapy, hot water, and scrub-brush from the closet, I turned only to only crash into Cressida and Kayla. Most children of Apollo were morning people—occasionally, we'd get a child who hated mornings—but they were looking a little too bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning. It was…well it was rather unnerving, to be quite frank.

I pulled one of my earpieces from my ear, giving them a strange look.

"Good morning," I said, it coming out as more of a question than a greeting.

"We thought we'd help you this morning," Cressida said, keeping her smile.

"Now that Mr. D is no longer here, it's not like he can monitor whether or not you're getting help with your chores," Kayla added.

"Um, I appreciate it," I started, carefully making my way around them. "But no thanks." I quickly made my way toward the men's side of the restrooms, putting my earpiece back in. Cressida and Kayla simply followed me, walking with me on either side.

"Really, we want to help," Kayla continued.

"Mr. D isn't here, anymore, you don't need to do the chores, let us help." Cressida said as they both reached for the bucket, but I pulled it away from both of them, giving them a glare.

"First of all, I don't need your help, thanks." I told Kayla. I looked at Cressida. "Second of all, I'm not going to take any chances. Just because he isn't here, doesn't mean he's not monitoring me. He is still a god, you know."

They started to object but I stopped abruptly. They both went on a few steps ahead of me before stopping as well and turning to face me.

"Just let me do my chores," I said in a cold voice. "It's fine. If I need help, I'll ask. If I need a break, at least now I won't have to worry about getting called onto some mission or anything. Chiron will understand if I can't make it to an activity."

With that, trying not to look as annoyed as I felt, I pushed past them and went into the restrooms. I watched the door over my shoulder as I prepared the Johnny-mop for the toilets. Thankfully, they didn't follow me. I hoped that I'd gotten the message across, and that they'd spread it to our other siblings, because I was already tired of…whatever they were doing.

When I'd finished with the bathrooms and had put the cleaning items away, I headed back to the cabin to freshen up and start the laundry before breakfast. However, as I was exiting our bathroom, ready to gather the laundry, Austin was holding the basket walking around the room picking up the odd piece of clothing while the rest of my siblings were throwing their own clothes into the basket, like a game. As usual, none of them missed.

I froze at the door of the cabin and crossed my arms. "What are you guys doing?" I asked in a deadpan.

"We're just helping out," Austin said cheerily.

"And having fun!" Viola added throwing another ball of clothes. I had to hide my smile at her delight of making it into the basket yet again.

"I can still do chores on my own, thank you," I said, turning my attention back to my other siblings. Jeez, first Kayla and Cressida and now this! Not to mention the other night when they kept asking if I needed help with basically everything. I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth, trying not to snap at them. If I was going to confront them about what they were doing, it wasn't going to be in front of Viola.

"Seriously, we just want to help you out a little," Reed said shrugging.

"Why all of a sudden?" I nearly yelled.

"Mr. D's gone now, that's all." Lyra threw the last ball of clothes into the basket.

"No," I snapped, going up to Austin and yanking the basket of clothes out of his hands. "It's not just that."

The cabin became silent, all playfulness gone. They all exchanged glances, except for Viola, who was looking a little confused at my outburst and the sudden change in atmosphere.

Will approached me slowly. "Chiron told me about what happened…with the room in the Big House. We were worried when you came back and just collapsed on the bed."

I swallowed hard, gripping the laundry basket so tight the plastic was digging into my fingers painfully. I took a deep breath before setting the basket down and kneeling so I was at Viola's eye-level.

"Why don't you go on ahead to breakfast," I suggested in a lighter tone.

Viola looked at me before looking around at the rest of our siblings, uncertainty clouding her eyes. She was still a child, but she knew something was wrong. I didn't want her to see us fight if it came down to that. I didn't want her to see me angry, because I was afraid that she would hate me if she did. If the story about my breakdown in the bathroom didn't scare her off, me accidentally snapping and yelling at the rest of our siblings just might.

"Please?" I asked in an even softer voice. "I promise I'll tell you what we talked about, I just don't want you to be here right now."

Viola bit her lip, looking back at me. Slowly, she nodded. "Okay." She did something unexpected, then. She threw her arms around me in a quick hug before quickly bounding to the door and exiting the cabin, taking her cheerfulness with her.

I stood up, leaving the basket on the floor at my feet. "And?" I prompted.

"We're worried about you," Will finally said.

"You've always been worried about me," I responded, maybe a little harsher than I meant it.

"So, what?" Kayla asked. "You don't want us to worry about you?"

I turned toward her. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"We're just trying to help you out," Cressida added.

"Why?" I questioned, looking at her with a hard stare. "Why this? Why now?"

"Mr. D's gone—" Austin started.

"So?"

"We were afraid he'd take it out on you if we helped with your chores," Will replied in his calming voice. "Now that he's no longer here, we thought we could help you out."

"With what, exactly? My chores? Or throwing offerings into the brazier? Cutting my food? Are you going to chew it for me, while you're at it?"

"That's not fair!" Lyra chimed in, frowning. "You've been in a lot of pain, lately—" She broke off abruptly with a small "oh", her eyes widening. The rest of our siblings looked away, some groaning, some sighing, like she wasn't supposed to say that.

I looked at them in disbelief.

"Is that what this is about?" I demanded, trying to get them to meet my eyes. None of them did. Not even Will. I put my fingertips to my temples and closed my eyes for a moment. "I've had this for…how long now?" I questioned, still in a quiet voice, opening my eyes and pulling my hands away from my head. "At least two months. And you've just now decided to start babying me?"

"We're not—" Reed tried to object, but I cut him off.

"Yes! You are!" I yelled, finally having enough of it. I just couldn't believe they were treating me like this. What's more, I couldn't believe it'd taken them this long, that this was becoming a problem after having shown them I could still function. Some days were harder than others, yes. And some days I couldn't move or even remember what I'd done that day I was in so much pain, but I was still functioning. "Well, news flash! I've managed my chores, activities, and Mr. D's missions quite well since I got chronic pain. I don't need your help! And if I do, then I'll ask. But until then, knock it off!"

I leaned down to grab the basket of laundry before storming out of the cabin and to the laundry room.

The day was…tense—you could say tense—after that. I suppose I should've given them time to respond, but since I had immediately left after yelling at them, they weren't really talking to me anymore. I wasn't sure if it was because they were scared I was going to snap again, or if they were still mulling over my words. I did feel bad, though. I hadn't meant to get so angry at them. I just didn't like being treated like a child, either.

I was grown adult, who could take care of herself. It didn't matter that I had chronic pain anymore, I was adjusting, adapting, and still thriving. Obviously there was going to be days where I had flares, and days when it was put on the backburner and stayed on the backburner, and days where even pain meds wouldn't make the pain lessen any. That didn't mean I was incapable all the time. I had just wanted them to see that, to understand that.

It was after lunch and the silence had lasted. We were just about to head off to the climbing wall. They were all heading to the door, I was sitting on my bed, working myself up to the activity. Will opened the door and I figured it was now or never. There was going to be a meeting before dinner, so Chiron could work out the activities schedule with the head counselors and senior campers. After that, things would be busy with dinner and the campfire and then lights out.

"I'm sorry," I said loudly, keeping my eyes fixed on the floor. I heard my siblings pause at the door, eyes on me. After a moment, I looked up at them. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I was just frustrated and angry." I paused. "I mean, I'm still annoyed at you guys for thinking that I can't take care of myself, but I admit I could've expressed it in a better way. I just want you to remember, only help if I ask."

I waited for them to respond. I couldn't exactly read their expressions, but it could've been because of nerves. Finally, Will smiled softly. "Thank you. And we'll keep that in mind." The rest of our cabin nodded and murmured their agreement.

I took a deep breath, glad that seemed to go pretty well, and stood. Together, we headed to the climbing wall.

It was pretty routine, the activity. I waited my turn, shifting on my feet trying to push the static away, and when it came my turn I started to climb the wall. I was doing all right, my chronic pain not bothering, but about half-way up it suddenly flared. Not ready for it, I lost my grip of the wall and fell hard to the ground. It took me a moment to gather my bearings. I sat up as the pain from the fall cleared. Thankfully I was only half-way up, the worse was probably some bruising. The static lessoned some, but not all. Right now, I could push through it.

I felt hands grab at my arms, but I blindly pulled away.

"I'm fine," I snapped, standing up and going back up to the wall. Without hesitating, I grabbed onto the wall and started climbing again. Like last time, I made it half-way up before the prickles suddenly flared. I tried to hold onto the wall, prepared for this, but my fingers wouldn't cooperate. I lost my grip again and fell, but less painfully this time.

With a huff, I glared up at the wall, getting to my feet and going up to it yet again. I had to be holding it wrong or moving wrong or something wrong. I couldn't have just lost the ability to climb the wall!

I tried to think back, had I climbed the wall since I'd gotten this chronic pain? Surely, I would've known about this before now? It was one our regular, weekly, scheduled activities! How had I missed this? I didn't understand!

Another flare, another fall.

I growled this time, as I stood, glaring up at the wall. Behind me, Cressida said timidly, "Victoria, maybe you should—"

"I've got this!" I snarled, not looking at her. I couldn't believe this was happening right now! Bigger revelation, I couldn't believe that I hadn't noticed this before. Or maybe…I paused at right in front of the wall. Had I managed to avoid this activity before now?

No.

I'd been in too much pain up until now to be able to go to this activity. It was the second half of the day. By then, after lunch, I'd done most of my chores, a few of my activities along with that. I was usually exhausted and in too much pain to participate. This must have been the first week my pain hadn't interfered with this activity. I just couldn't believe that all of a sudden my pain was manageable enough this week. The day that I yelled at them for being too helpful, no less.

Despite this, as I've mentioned this before, I was stubborn. I grabbed onto the handholds, found some footholds and hoisted myself up onto the wall again. As usual, half-way up, the pin-pricks flared to the point that I could no longer hang onto the wall and I fell. I did this maybe ten more times with louder and more frequent objections from my siblings the more and more I tried.

Finally, I got angry enough that I stormed away. I growled and shoved past the rest of my siblings, stomping all the way back to the cabin. I went straight to the bathroom, my usual, closing the door and locking it before taking a deep breath in and screaming my lungs out.

Unfortunately for me, my day didn't end there. I had a little time to gather myself, push down the frustration and anger at my chronic pain, the gods, the Fates, and take some pain meds that helped. A little. Then I had to attend the meeting with the other counselors and activity teachers.

Will tried to convince me that I didn't need to go, he'd apologize to Chiron for me and take notes on the meeting, but I insisted that I go. I didn't want to give my siblings more reason to baby me. I could tell he wasn't happy about that in the slightest, but I didn't care at this point. I was done trying to be sociable, and focusing on passable until lights out. I didn't have the energy to be a nice person anymore. No, that energy was going to be used to help me get through the front room without having a panic attack.

As Will and I walked to the Big House, just thinking about having to pass through made me cringe and my stomach churn. My hands started to shake and sweat. I had to rub my palms on my jeans to keep them from getting too sweaty. I hated that I had this reaction, it made me feel weak. But I hated that I felt weak more. It seemed like a reasonable reaction to something that reminded me of a particularly scarring part of my life. Still, some small part of me felt like a coward. I couldn't handle going into the strawberry fields, looking at myself in the mirror, and now going into a room.

When we got to the front door, Will went right inside, without hesitation. I had to stop at the threshold and take a deep breath, bracing myself. My heart was already pounding in my chest, my hands full-on shaking now. My breath was unsteady and ragged, which wasn't helping trying to take deep breaths. On top of that, my chronic pain wasn't at a level I could easily ignore. I'm sure forcing myself to go into a room that scared me half out of my wits really wasn't helping.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to," Will said from inside. He seemed just about as done with my behavior as I was done with everyone at this camp.

I fisted my hands and locked my jaw. "I'm coming." With that, I stepped inside and quickly strode past Will and through the front room, keeping my eyes focused on the door to the rec room.

I froze, though, when I entered the rec room. The door had been slightly ajar, but not enough that allowed me to see in. Now that I had a full view of the room, it threw me back into a different memory, just as traumatizing as the other, only for a totally different reason.

Chiron was sitting on the opposite side of the room, at the head of the ping-pong table. Around the table were mostly head counselors of the cabins, along with some other senior campers. They all turned to look at me as I came in. Though I knew it was on instinct, I couldn't help but feel attacked. My alarm bells started going off, so not only did I want to pull my sword, but I was also disoriented from the memory it brought upon me.

It was the day after Beckendorf died. The head counselors had gathered to have a meeting, to re-strategize and re-plan since what we had worked out hadn't gone quite according to plan.

For at least a year from that point, the camp had known we had a spy in our midst. That topic had come up and I'd been called in, because I was so close to Luke, people just assumed I was the spy still. I had been for a time, but that wasn't really the point. No one trusted me because I was so close to Luke, but also because I had been with him for two years before returning to camp after Luke had allowed Kronos to possess his body.

At that point, I didn't deny that I'd been the spy, but I denied I knew who the new spy was. I'd promised Silena, I wasn't about to go back on that. I wasn't that kind of person. This, of course, didn't really help the situation. They'd all glared at me and I'd felt like a cornered animal. Not only that, but they hadn't believed me, despite putting on a whole charade of bringing me to the Big House and asking me.

It wasn't a great memory.

Will brushed my arm as he slipped past me. I blinked, his touch bringing me back to the present. He met my eyes and nodded once. I took another deep breath before following him to the side of the table and taking a seat with him on my right and Butch on my left. Butch was built like a brick wall, with a shaved head and a tattoo of a rainbow on his biceps. It was a tribute to his mother, Iris. He was also very good with the pegasi at camp.

I didn't feel comfortable sitting at the table just because I was so used to being under the microscope. People still didn't trust me, of course, but I'd always been on the other side. They could distinguish me as "them" because I was always standing opposite of them. Now I was smack-dab in the middle and it was making me bristle. What's worse was that it seemed no one was even paying attention to me, it was just my paranoia that made it seem like every whisper, every giggle, every snicker was about me—a malicious word exchanged with another counselor, a giggle or snicker over a joke or snide comment.

Mercifully, the meeting started and things went relatively smooth after that. Activities and times were distributed. For once, nothing went wrong. I was completely and utterly uncomfortable the whole time because people kept giving me glances, more so when Chiron mentioned me or my name, but that was minor. I was used to stares, glares, accusatory looks. I got them all the time. People found it easiest to blame me for some of the things that happened to them. Especially the Hephaestus cabin.

Anyway, once the meeting was adjourned, I was the first one out of there, promising myself never to enter the Big House again unless absolutely necessary. As the weeks passed, things seem to settle. I fell into a routine where I could balance chores, classes, training, and my nightmares.

That was the only thing that didn't improve. They only got worse. I felt like I was getting less and less sleep. I was more afraid than ever to fall asleep now. It wasn't so much seeing Luke—equal parts agony and, I'd say, something close to joy mixed with relief—but it was the fact that I didn't want to want it. I didn't want to one day wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up just to be with him, in that little pocket of forever. (Though, part of me knew, after that first night, I had already developed that wish.)

Viola was also preparing to go back out into the real world again. Chiron had convinced her mother to let her stay until around Christmas and the New Year to adjust to this new life as a demigod, train a little before going back out there. I was going to miss her. She'd really bonded with me after I'd sung to her, and I found I enjoyed having someone so young, and so cheerful in our cabin. It chased away the darkness and shadows that haunted all of us from the war.

Things were going all right. Of course, there were days where my chronic pain wouldn't let me do anything, and those days were hard, but for the most part I was managing and adapting. Sometimes my siblings would become overly helpful after a bad day but a gentle, firm reminder and they tentatively stepped back. I could tell they had a hard time with this, but I usually just glared at them until they literally backed off.

Then Chiron dropped a bomb.

We were meeting out on the porch of the Big House. It was the middle of winter, so outside was a bit chilled. A thin blanket of snow covered the ground, but I refused to go inside and sit in the front room. I couldn't. I felt bad, but was also glad Chiron understood and accommodated me. He sat in his wheelchair, with his thick, tweed jacket draped over his shoulders.

He'd called me to the Big House early morning and I knew it was some big news because of the fact he was in his wheelchair.

If I'm being honest, I was kind of glad he was when he told me why he'd called me over.

"What?" I asked, my breath condensing in the cold morning air.

"Annabeth and Percy and visiting camp for winter break."

DUN DON.

Well, anyway…I apologize of the wait. I know these past two chapters haven't been all that "exciting" but there is information I want to give, things I want to show involving Tori's chronic pain since it's not something that books represent a lot (which I hope—knock on wood, cross my fingers and toes—I am still representing well/correctly), and just…some wind-down before it winds-up again.

Because, oh ho ho, let me tell you, is it going to get real crazy, real fast. Annabeth and Percy are coming for winter break, ya'll know what that means regarding the HOO story- and timeline… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I mean, then it's going to wind-down again—well I say wind-down—because after Jason, Piper, and Leo go on their quest, all they can really do is wait until Leo and the Hephaestus cabin finishes building the Argo II, so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway, I want to thank all of you who are still with me. Again. Because it means a lot to me that you're willing to wait for my slow-ass to write these chapters. Thankfully, I just recently had a flash of inspiration for the coming chapters. I can't say I'll get them to you quick because of school, but know that instead of bemoaning that I have writer's block, I'll actually be writing when I have free time. Yay!

As always, I hope you enjoyed!

Thank you for reading,
TheBrightestNight