Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I don't own anything.

Authors notes: This is my first uploaded fan fiction. Please review so I know if I should continue. This is a Jasper Fanfiction.

Chapter 10

Regret

Jaina's P.O.V.

I woke up feeling groggy. The sedation from last night still swimming in my blood. My wrists throbbed with agony. I hurt myself even more. I was hurt and angry, I wanted to die, or so I thought.

The second it became more real with Jasper telling me he would do it for me. I didn't want it anymore. I was terrified. It became immanent. It became real. Even Carlisle said I didn't cut deep enough. It would have stopped on its own. Maybe I knew that already. It was a superficial wound. I didn't know why or what I was doing. I was just upset. I didn't really want to die, It was childish and now I was embarrassed.

Carlisle said it could have been an imbalance, my actions triggered by events but were driven by the fact the antibiotic I was on was wreaking havoc on the anti depressants making it a driving force to do the opposite of what they were prescribed to do. Suicide was a side effect. It made me feel a little better but still I was humiliated.

Edward was staring at me from the corner chair. Bella was asleep, sitting on his lap, her face resting on his shoulder. He didn't move just watched. I sat up and wobbled into the bathroom. Edward woke Bella and she shot up and ran catching the door before it closed, forcing her way into bathroom.

"I wont leave you alone, till I know you wont do that again." she cried. Tears were streaming down her face.

"Oh Bella, what have I done. I never wanted to hurt you, or cause more problems for all of you. I didn't know what I was doing but I do now. I promise I wont do it again. I swear, I'll never put you through this again. Please forgive me." I said crying.

"I forgive you, but next time when you feel like you don't have any other choice come talk to me. I'll tell you how much I need you to be around. I'll tell you how much you mean to me. It would have killed me to lose you." She said her hands pulled my shoulders to her and she hugged me so tight. I wrapped my arms around her and held on for dear life. I cried into her shoulder. I let it all out. I sobbed until all my tears were gone. I felt better knowing she at least didn't hate me. I wasn't sure about the others. I was now nervous. I looked into her angelic face and asked her.

"Do the others hate me now? Are they really really mad?" I begged her to answer me. She smiled.

"No they don't hate you, there were scared that's all." she said warmly. She was trying to reassure me.

"Jasper?" I asked so low it was barely audible.

"He hasn't come out of his room." she said. I sank to the floor and pulled my knee's up to my chest and laid my head on my knee's. I cried.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper, I am so sorry." I sobbed quietly to myself. Bella sank to her knees and brushed the hair from my face.

"It will all be fine, you need to pull yourself together. You start school in two weeks. Focus on building a new life. Me and the Cullen's are not going to abandon you. Jasper will get over it. You got me and rose and Edward." She said smiling.

"That's right, you got us" Edward said standing in the door way smiling.

"Jasper is an emotional time bomb. He just needs time to sort his own feeling out. And when he does he'll be his old self again. Trust me. Ive known him for a long long time." Edward said a crooked smile washed across his face. This smile seemed to make Bella blush. I sighed and stood up.

"I'm gonna take a shower get dressed and start my life over today. I promise I wont do anything stupid again." I said gently coaxing them out of the bathroom. I closed the door behind them. I heard her and Edward laughing and then a pause and then a whimper. It made me smile to know they must be kissing.

I walked to the shower and turned it on hot. The steam filling the room I stepped in and let the water rinse the dried blood that was left I'm my hair, and under my nails. I felt all the bad rinse away with the water. I felt renewed. I felt alive. I got out dried off and opened the door a little to pear into my room. It was empty.

I opened the bathroom door and ran over to my closet and dresser. I got dressed quickly. Blue jeans and a pink tank top. I slipped on the pink arm warmers and pulled my hair into a pony tail. I slipped on my pink converse and ran downstairs to find Esme. She was in the kitchen cooking. I ran over to her and held her. I apologized over and over again. She kissed my head and face and smiled making me promise her to never scare her like that again. I ate like a horse that morning. Rosalie found me rinsing my dishes and she grabbed me up into her arms and hugged me.

"Don't you do that again to me bitch" she said half laughing half crying.

"I wont I promise, it was stupid" I said shame coating my words.

"You're my family now. I wont lose you!" she said looking me in the eyes holding me at arms length away.

"Rosalie will you take me shopping so I can get my school supplies. I also need a bathing suit." I said smiling

"Yeah, great, okay, ill grab my bag and meet you in the garage I want a new bathing suit to." she said and then she was gone. I finished with my dishes. I walked to the staircase and look toward the direction of Jaspers room. I wanted to apologize to him but I couldn't bring my self to do it. He hated me. I noticed he took away all emotional support from me. It was now bearable knowing my family was fine. I could only feel sorry for myself.

I was lost in thought looking up the steep stairwell my hand on the railing. I heard a door close and I turned to see Jasper. He wasn't in his room he was gone, that whole time. He took off his leather jacket he used for riding his bike and hung it in the closet. He only glanced at me and walked toward the stairs.

I was hoping he would say something but he didn't he walked past me careful not to touch me and walked up the stairs to his room. I sat on the bottom stair. I felt my heart break. He hated me. I deserved this. I was such a bitch to him. He was so hateful to me. There was no fixing this. Nothing I could say or do would fix this between us. I liked him so much and the more I thought about never being friends again the more my heart cracked.

"You coming" Rosalie said from the front door looking worried.

"Ahh, yeah sorry bout that. Lets go." I rushed out the door and Rosalie caught my hand in hers and we walked to the garage we got in her car and headed out to port angels.

Jaspers P.O.V

Seeing her in the stairway was a sight I'll never forget. She was so sad. Her emotions hit me like a bullet tearing through the flesh of my dead heart. It took everything I had to walk past her. It took everything I had to hide my feelings so they didn't creep up on my face.

I walked slow up the steps but I really wanted to run. She left right after. I looked out the window to see her and Rosalie drive off. I wondered where they were going. I walked to my stereo and turned it up loud to drown my thoughts. It was 37 stitches by drowning pool blaring through my speakers. I focused on the lyrics to barricade thoughts of her, but it didn't work. I kept seeing her. I was losing it. I was losing control.

I focused again now this time by the box sitting in the corner. It was the laptop I still haven't given to her. I thought about breaking it into a thousand tiny pieces. But Instead I grabbed a blank canvas and my charcoal.

I scrapped the charcoal and rubbed at the cloth board. It began to take shape. I felt my frustration pour out into the black etchings. There was nothing careful or cautious about my movements but a shape appeared. I work on it for hours before I admitted to myself it was her. It was her face her throat her shoulders. I slammed the canvas down on the art table and grabbed my brushes, and oils and pigments. I began mixing and painting like a madman.

The music was all the same theme. Dark hard and full of loss. I noticed the sun setting and I switched on my lights. I was lost in it all. I was a mess. I was covered in the remnants of my art. I ruined my shirt. I didn't care. When it was complete and perfect. I sat back and stared at it. I looked into her eyes on the canvas.

I felt my heart break. I stumbled back and landed on my butt. I pulled my knees up and buried my face in my legs. I cried. There were no tears only venom pooling from my eyes but the pain was the same. I was alone. I had been alone and now I ruined my chance at ever changing that. I showed her the monster inside me. I scared her to death. I was so hateful. And bottom line she was a human. I was a vampire. She is destined to die. I pulled my knees up tighter and shut my eyes as tight as I could and rocked myself.

'Its gonna be okay, its gonna be okay' I whisper to myself. It wasn't going to be okay. I knew it was a long hard road ahead. I attempted to pull myself together and looked up at the ceiling.

"Let her go Jasper." I whispered to myself once more. I was going to pretend it didn't matter she would never know how I felt. I promised myself id never cry over her again.

I shot up when I heard rose's car hit the drive way.

I ran to the window and watched them walk up to the doorway. I held perfectly still. I watched her struggle with a bout four shopping bags. Rosalie was close behind her. She was caring a ton of bags and her oversized purse. I walked to my couch and sat down. I didn't move I only listened. I listened to her greet everyone and show off all the new things she had bought. I heard the excitement in her voice as she gave everyone a little something that she picked out. I wondered what she had got them. Its not like we couldn't have anything that we wanted. She must have put a lot of thought in her gifts. I felt a tinge of hope that she had chosen something for me and I waited for her to ascend to the stairs. She never came. She never knocked or rapped on my door. She had chosen to ignore me as I had chosen to ignore her.

Instead I heard Rosalie's footsteps. I instantly became irritated. I knew it was her. Her annoying four inch heals had there own particular sound as she walked. She tapped on my door. I opened it and stared blankly at her. She looked at me with hesitation. I threw her every annoyed emotion I could emanate. She didn't look surprised.

"Feeling sorry for yourself I see" she said with a slight bitterness. I smirked at her in disgust.

"What do you want?" I said coldly.

"This is for you from Jaina" she said sneering at me. She handed me a small bag from one of the shops in the mall.

"Yeah thanks" I said showing little interest. I tossed the gift on my art table shut the door in her face.

"Ass!" I herd Rosalie hiss from behind the door but I didn't care. I was brooding right now. She was my sister and as much as I loved her I wanted to be left alone. I was sad that it wasn't Jaina who delivered the gift.

I turned and leaned against the door staring at the bag. I wondered what it was. I pushed myself against the door to spring forward it was hard to take those few steps to the table. I stared at the bag.

"Stop being a baby" I muttered to myself. I gathered the courage and took the small bag in to my hand. I opened it up to reveal a black leather bracelet with a phoenix embossed into the thick leather. It was beautiful. I wrapped it around my wrist and snapped the silver buttons together. It fit perfectly. I wandered over to my window and looked at the courtyard. I saw a figure walking around the flower beds. I focused to see it was Jaina. I closed my eyes and let the wind pour over my face. I breathed in the night air and the faint scent of her shampoo was mixed in with all the flowers of the garden. I opened my eyes when I noticed my mouth begin to fill with venom.

I stared intently at her. I was started by a growl until I noticed it came from my chest. Then I saw noticed another scent in the wind. It wasn't Jaina and it wasn't my family. It was bitter and in was slightly noxious. It was something all together different yet familiar. I leapt from my window and kept watch on Jaina. I scanned the forest edge for where the scent was coming from. Just then a large mountain lion sprang fourth and charged for Jaina. I heard her scream and fall back onto her hands. She turned her body around and was crawling toward the house. I leapt catching the beast with both my hands and slammed it to the ground. I ripped out its throat and felt it fall limp in my arms.

I then turned to face her. She had a look of shock and utter fear written across her face. Her mouth open and her face pale. She was shaking and unable to move. Frozen in her fear. I stood holding the creature in my hands and I tossed it down on the ground beside her. She gasped and pushed her body away from it.

"This is why we don't wander around at night alone!" I said sternly. I searched her eyes. She was looking at me with fearful eyes. Then I realized she wasn't afraid of the lion anymore she was afraid of me. I kneeled down before her never taking my eyes off of her. I herd her breathing hitch. I reached my hand for hers and she jerked away. I sat back on my feet and watched her pull herself up and run into the house.

It took everything in me not to run after her. I picked up the mountain lion carcass and threw it into the forest. Its odd for them to wander into suburban area's but not unheard of. Maybe cause I wiped out the deer heard yesterday and it was looking for food. I walk slow up to the house not wanting to explain what happened. I found my open window and leapt closing it behind me.

Jaina's P.O.V.

I ran into the house, I could feel my heart beat loud and fast in my chest. I could barely breath but I kept running. I ran past Esme and Rosalie and into my room slamming the door shut and locking it behind me. He was so fast and strong. He caught that lion in midair and killed it like it was nothing more then a small kitten. I saw him tear out its throat and it fell limp in his arms.

I realized how truly dangerous these people were. I also knew my beloved Bella would be like them in only a few short months. It really hit me like a wall that they were killers. I felt my insides spin and turn. Then something else hit me. He saved me. He couldn't have hated me. He could have easily let it kill me, but he didn't. He was so fast. He was there in a second. He had to have been watching over me.

'Watching me' those words sprang a well of hope that our relationship could be mended. Then I realized that I overreacted. He reached for me and I ran from him. I was given another chance and I slammed the last nail in the coffin.

I wanted to talk to him, but I was terrified of him. What could I say. No words could express how confused I was. That night with the razor. He could have so easily killed me. 'Killed me' more words that froze my blood. He really could have ended it for me. I remembered his cold eyes on me when he held me fast against the wall. He towered over me. I felt his icy hands grip my weak bleeding wrists.

With all that playing itself back in my memory I was never truly scared that he would really kill me until now. I knew he meant it. I was now scared. I crawled into my oversized bed and pulled the blankets over my head and hid like a scared child waiting for the boogeyman. A boogeyman that lived one door down. Only wood and sheet rock separated us. I was completely defenseless. I felt my insides warm as if on there own accord and a wave of calm crashed over me. I felt relaxed, to relaxed to a point where I couldn't keep my eyes open. Into sleep I fell.

I was walking in the forest the floor covered in moss and tree roots, I carefully maneuvered through the overgrowth of overgrown branches. The further I moved through the harder it was to duck and climb over the forest landscape. I finally came to a point where I could move no further. I felt trapped and alone. I heard the scrapping of branches and turned to look through the dark misty night. I saw a figure moving through the trees. I called out but no one answered. I felt my heart race then I felt something warm and wet flowing through my wrists. I looked down to find two perfectly parallel cuts that opened my veins on the forest floor.

I heard the noise again only it was closer. In a blur of motion I was pinned against a tree my arms above my head and Jasper holding me firmly against the tree with his stone body. His black eyes piercing mine. I screamed only to have my mouth covered by his. I felt his icy mouth move over mine. My eyes closed and I felt my body betray me, responding to his cold wet kiss.

I felt his hands release my wrists, grabbing my face in his icy grip to pull me deeper into his kiss. I heard a growl emanate from his chest and his mouth became more needy. I noticed a light flicker though my closed eyes, I opened them to see the forest around us was burning. The fire engulfing all around us. I whimpered into his mouth and he pulled away to look at me. He now seemed to notice the fire and his face twisted looking at the blaze. No escape for either one of us.

He looked back at me. His face look sad, his eyes weakened and then in a flash he pushed my head to the side, I began to scream as he tore at the flesh on my shoulder and neck. I tried to fight him off but I was nothing compared to his strength. Nothing I did would stop him from killing me, from saving me. I fell weak into him as my overflowing blood ran down my back soaking my nightgown. He released his mouth from my shoulder and stared into my dyeing eyes.

'I love you" he whispered.

I woke up gasping for breath. I looked around to see the beautiful room shimmering in the moonlight. I got up and walked to the window. My blanket wrapped tightly around me. I sat on the pillowed windowsill. I looked out to the courtyard.

I saw Emmett and Rosalie racing into the forest. They looked so happy that I became envious of there life. Together forever. It put a whole new meaning to the phrase. I walked back to my empty bed and crawled into its thick cocoon of blankets. I grabbed one of the pillows and held it to my chest. I cried softly into it wishing that it was Jasper.