Ok, it took me a bit longer for this and I don't think it's good, but well... I hope you like it better than me....

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but Nicole and her little zoo. The title from this chapter is from the song "Knock you down" by Keri Hilson, Ne-Yo and Kanye West. Don't own that one either.

Warning: Mentions of violence and child abuse.

Chapter 10: The load never too much, she helpin' me pull it

"Each time you refuse, we take something…." The pain was unbearable now. Every bone in Ryan's body ached. He was sure his ribs were broken. Oh God, how it hurt… And his face… He never had to hide his face. His father had always taken good care to not bruise his face. Ryan knew now that it was because he never wanted anybody to know what he did to Ryan, even though he never really felt he did something wrong. But Ryan had been so thankful for it. If there had been one thing he hated, it had been pity. And he hated to be humiliated. While he hated it at home, he could still hide it from the rest of the world. If ever his father had left visible marks on his face, he wouldn't have been able to hide it anymore. People would know, people would talk, people would find out more…. And at some point, the whole city would know that Duke Wolfe beat his son, and that his son wasn't able to defend himself. He remembered when he had to stay at the airport, after having been thrown out. When everybody had looked at him. Everybody had wondered why there was a kid, all alone, dressed in a blood splattered shirt. And he knew, if the Russian would let him go, of which he wasn't so sure right now, he would have to go through the same experience again, if they didn't drop him in front of his flat. He would have to walk, people would look at his shirt and see that he had been beaten up. That again he hadn't been able to defend himself…. Now the Russian came back with the pliers. Ryan's eyes widened in fear, "No…no… STOP!!!"

"Ryan? Ryan, wake up! It's just a nightmare, come on, all you have to do is open your eyes." Nicole stood next to the sofa, pondering about whether to touch him or not. "Ryan, please wake up. Come on…"

"No…. please…. Stop…. Don't…"

Nicole shook her head and then proceeded to lay a hand on Ryan's shoulder, trying to shake him awake gently. "It's a nightmare, Ryan. Come on, wake up…."

Ryan somehow, in his half awake status, felt the touch on his shoulder and awoke with a start. He couldn't see anything, but when he realized he was not bound to a chair, and that the person standing next to him was way too small to be his Russian captor, he relaxed again. "Nicole? Sorry I woke you up."

"It's okay, Ryan, don't worry." Nicole sat down on the couch next to him. "You need something?"

Ryan shook his head, "I don't think you have a time machine, do you?"

"No, I'm afraid I don't… Was it the Russian again?" Ryan only nodded. Nicole moved closer to him and held his head to her shoulder.

He softly pushed her away, "Sorry Nicole, but…" Yeah, what but? Why didn't he want her so close to him now, after having had some very close moments with her, earlier on the dance floor? "I don't…"

"I'm not gonna hurt you." she said.

Ryan nodded, "I know…" He shook his head. "Go back to sleep. Please. I'll be alright."

"What are you afraid of?"

"Nothing… it's just that…. Oh, I don't know." He sighed, "I'm sorry."

Nicole got up. "Okay. If you need me, you know where to find me…. Sleep well."

Ryan watched her leave, but before she left the living room, he said, "You know how I ended up here in Miami?"

She turned around, "No."

"My father threw me out because I wanted to be a cop. He wanted me to be a soldier. Trained me to be a soldier when I started walking. He wanted me to be strong. And every time something like this…" he pointed at his face, "….happens, I feel I'm not strong enough to live up to his expectations. Every time something like this happens, I feel… weak. Because I was told a real man wouldn't break. And now look at me. This is why I don't let you so close. I don't want to feel weaker than I do already…."

"I don't see a broken man."

"Oh come on…"

"No, Ryan, you come on." Nicole sat down on the floor and looked up at him so she could see right into his eyes. "I see a man that has some trouble getting over what happened to him, which is the most normal thing in the world. If this didn't trouble you, I would doubt you were a human being. But look at it from my point of view. I know what has happened to you, though I'm sure I don't know everything. And I see you, going to work everyday. I see you trying to work with people that are too superficial to even try to understand you. I cannot possibly imagine how hard all this must be for you, but still, you manage. Other peoplein your situation would be scared, would not dare to go on the street in case something would happen to them again. And not only do you go out on the street, you also catch bad people. Our murderer could target us any minute because we're getting too close to him, but that doesn't bother you, you still trying to get him. Other people would be too afraid to mess with this guy, but you're not. And that shows one hell of mental and physical strength. Okay, you might feel broken, but I can assure you, I see you're not. You need time."

Ryan chuckled, "That sounds all very convincing, and I can guess that it looks like I'm pretty well on the outside…" He lowered his head, "But then again, I'm used to it."

"Used to what?"

"Pretend I'm okay. I've been doing it ever since I was thirteen. No one really knows who I am, although the team got a very good image of what happened to me when my father came here a few months ago… You haven't met him, have you?"

"No. I was back in England when he was here and your uncle and mom went missing and stuff. Why do you ask?"

"Nobody told you anything?"

"Not really, no. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not the most popular kid in the lab." She grinned a bit, but stopped when she noticed Ryan was dead serious. "Is there something I should know?"

"Not really, no. I mean, it wouldn't change a thing, really. My father disowned me when I was sixteen because I wouldn't do what he wanted me to. And since then, I've always tried to put on a brave face, because I didn't want to let anybody see that I am not as strong as I appear. I never let anyone help me, I always try to do things alone, just because I want to convince myself that I'm not weak. And you know how often that has gotten me into trouble. So, my conclusion is that I'm not good enough to handle stuff on my own which will result in the fact that my father will never really think I'm strong enough to live up to his expectations even though I saved his brother and his wife. Not to mention the fact that the bit of self confidence I've managed to build over the years has been beaten out of me by a henchman of the Russian mafia, and now I'm sitting here, trying to recover when I can't even sleep. And you say I'm not broken?"

Nicole had listened to this long speech without taking her eyes off from Ryan. Now she looked at him and said, "Yes."

"Oh come on…"

"No, you come on." She sighed, "Okay, I gotta admit that sometimes trying to handle things alone is not the right way. But come on. Okay, you messed up sometimes. But think of all the times you didn't. Your first solo case, for instance. I heard from Maxie what happened back then, when you saved that little baby. That was good."

"Yeah, that was one time…."

"So what? We're human. We make mistakes. My Facebook horoscope tells me at least once a week that 'a man who rarely makes mistakes rarely does anything'. Or something like this. Errare humanum est. Do you know how many times I made mistakes that could have cost me my job or my life? Or both? I haven't learned a bit from it. Just a few hours ago I was dancing with someone involved in my case.. Ryan, we're all humans, and sometimes things happen that we wish would not have happened. But that's life. The important thing is that we still know what's right and what's wrong."

"Do I know that? I mean, back with Michael Lipton, I knew the right thing to do was to tell Horatio. And with Billy here, I knew the right thing to do was not to do what the Russians wanted me to do, but to immediately go and tell Horatio. But I didn't." Ryan shrugged. "Because I cannot ask for help without feeling ashamed. You know I didn't ask you for help. I was just glad you were there. And I'm glad you're there now."

"What difference do I make, then? Why can you tell me what you can't tell others?"

Ryan thought about this for a minute, "I guess it's because you don't judge me. And you never did. Because you accepted me from Day One. Because you're one of the few people on this job with passion. Because you helped me without thinking once how this could end for you. And because you're not afraid of telling the truth." And then he added, "Because you're so different from the rest of that team."

Now, Nicole grinned, "I know that's a compliment. All of that. And you know why I don't judge you? Because you're one of those that always do the right kind of wrong. I mean, everytime you did something wrong, it was to protect others." Now she smiled shyly, "You know, I've rarely met someone who thinks so much more about others than about himself like you. When I met you, you know, the first day you joined the lab, I thought it would be kinda cool if we become friends. I noticed from the beginning on you were special, and over those last years, I knew I was right, and I always thought it was a shame we never got really close friends, like Maxie and me for example…" She checked her watch. "We should go back to sleep now. You're feeling better?"

Ryan nodded, "Yeah, a bit. Thanks for listening, Nicole."

"Anytime…" She left the room.

Ryan watched her leaving and sighed. He saw the Blackadder curled up in the corner on a pillow. "You're one happy kitty, aren't you" Then he cuddled back into his pillow and closed his eyes. A minute later he was asleep.

---

It was early afternoon when Ryan woke up again due to a strange feeing in his face. It took him a while to realize it was the Blackadder's paw, rested on his cheek. Apparently, the cat had come back later in the night and was now sleeping soundly. Ryan sighed deeply; then he looked outside. The sun was standing high on the sky.

"How late is it?" The cat immediately raised its head and looked at Ryan. "Yes, I know you don't know. But it must be late. And where's Nicole?"

"Kitchen. And FYI, it's 2 PM. You want some coffee?" It was of course not the cat that answered, but Nicole herself.

Ryan turned his head to her and looked at her. She was sitting at the kitchen table, dressed still in her oversized pyjamas, her hair in a bun, glasses on, with a cup of coffee in one hand and a newspaper in the other. He smiled, "When did you get up?"

"About four hours ago, when Frankie needed the ladies. Walked her around the block, got my Sunday Sun and got back in."

"In that outfit?"

She laughed, "I know this is Miami, but I still don't need to dress up and put make up on to walk my dog." Then she asked, "Did you sleep well?"

Ryan rubbed his eyes, causing the cat to his and jump to the floor. "Sorry, mate. Yeah, I slept really good, thanks for asking… I swear I didn't hear you or the dog getting up." He felt really rested. "Wow, this must be the first time in weeks…" He got up and walked over to the table, "Maybe I should move in together with other people. Seems company calms me down… or maybe it's because finally I got to talk a bit about it…"

"Have you thought of seeing a shrink?"

Ryan sighed, "I have yes, but well… I've spent enough time on a couch, I think…. You know, OCD and stuff…." He poured himself a cup of coffee and asked, "So, what are our plans for today?"

"Lunch, diary… the usual stuff…. And answering your mobile…"

The mobile had just started ringing. Ryan sighed, "It's my day off, for god's sake." But he picked up nevertheless. "Wolfe? Natalia… yes… she's here…. Probably has switched it off….. I see…. You're sure? We'll be there. Bye." He hung up and sighed again, "Have a guess."

"Our guy?"

"Yes. He stroke again. Not far from where we were yesterday evening."

Nicole turned pale as death within a second. "Don't tell me it's Marian…"

Well, at least the chapter was a bit longer.... But how about Marian? Is it him?