Chapter Ten
Blissful Surrender
Having settled Erik Mary nearly tripped down the stairs trying to hurry to the kitchen. Everyone would be assembled for afternoon tea.
She would make a tray of very sweet tea, chicken broth and perhaps some of that fresh applesauce cook had made yesterday.
Erik would need nourishment but until he could sit up and feed himself it would be a liquid diet for the time being.
Mary raced around the kitchen as she explained that Mr. Erik had returned but his earlier illness had raised its ugly head once more and he would be indisposed for a few days.
She gently but firmly refused Lizzy and Brielle's eager offers to help take care of the master of the house. Mary had felt a wave of what felt like possessiveness when the two maids offered to help. Even Jacob's offer bothered her if to a lesser degree.
As Mary went about collecting what she would need the occupants in the room exchanged knowing looks and smiles. Mary's flushed face along with the excited tone in her voice could not all be because Mr. Erik had fallen ill again.
For the last couple of weeks the talk around the table had been concerning Mary and whether or not she had feelings of an intimate nature developing for Mr. Erik. They would not dare let her know they suspected such a thing nor would they speak of it if they knew she was near. They all liked Mary far too much to embarrass her or hurt her feelings.
Having collected all she thought she might need, Mary returned to Erik's room. She set the tray on the bedside table. She alternated spooning broth and tea between Erik's lips.
Erik stirred waking to look drowsily up at her as she placed the spoon to his mouth. He sipped and swallowed gratefully. He felt far too weak to convey how much he appreciated her tender care of him yet again. It had not failed to come to his notice that someone had cleaned him as well as put on fresh nightwear.
In his present state Erik could not be bothered by the knowledge that Mary had seen him in the altogether once more. Later he may care one way or the other but for now his only concern was how wonderful it felt to have someone tend to him with such care for his welfare.
Mary continued to alternate spoonfuls of broth with spoonfuls of water and tea. When Erik had almost finished he raised his hand weakly to wave the next spoonful away.
He could not seem to focus for too long on any one thing. He felt so tired he could not keep his eyes open. The days of constant emotional upheaval combined with neglecting to eat or drink had taken their toll on him.
When Mary picked up the basin of water she had used earlier to bath reminded Erik that he felt clean allover. The pajama's he now wore instead of lying naked on the bed as he had been the last time he had been conscious, Erik knew very well he had not put them on.
He had not washed himself either. He felt clean from top to toe. There was no mistaking the implications of this state of affairs. Mary would have seen him. All of him. Not just his horrid face but his body as well. He had realized this earlier but had not seemed able to bring forth the effort to care.
Now that his faculties were returning Erik felt heat suffuse his face with both embarrassment and anger. He did not consider himself to be a shy person per se, but not since a child had there been an occasion for anyone to see him without clothing perhaps with the exception of Jacob.
Mary had been privy to his person far too many times of late. Not much of him would now be unfamiliar to her.
His anger stemmed from the fact that Mary would now be privy to all his monstrous flaws. The scars marking his back and legs would not have been possible to overlook. They were far too hideous. She had seen them before but not this close nor for such an extended time.
What must she think of him? Erik mentally berated himself for asking such a foolish question. Of course she would be repulsed and sickened as everyone else had always been who had seen him, and they had only been subjected to his face.
Mary had double the reason to think him the ugliest beast she had ever laid eyes on. Inwardly Erik cringed to think of her seeing such horridness. How she must pity him. Had not Christine kissed him out of pity? Pitiful creature of darkness that was what she had called him.
Erik wanted no ones pity. Least of all Mary's. He wanted…wanted…his fogged brain seemed not able to grasp the knowledge that floated just on the outer edges of realization.
Over the next couple of days Erik took his anger and frustration out on Mary. He knocked trays from her hands when she went to lay them across his legs. He was stubborn and taciturn at every opportunity.
The trips to the use the toilet were the worst in his opinion. This little slip of a woman took the brunt of his weight while he leaned on her weakened beyond the ability to stand on his own two feet. Erik felt total humiliation overall. He felt he had no dignity left whatsoever.
The fact that she refused to be riled by his tantrums and name calling frustrated Erik no end. The woman had the patience and forbearance of a saint he concluded. Her smiles and soft toned reassurances he pretended to deplore while waiting expectantly in his bed for her to reappear each day.
After the first day of spending the night holding his hand while attending to him, Mary had not slept in his room much to Erik's displeasure. He vacillated between wanting her comforting presence and hating his weakness for wanting it.
As the days passed he continued to display an attitude of indifference to her presence and care after coming to the conclusion the woman could not be deterred from doing as she wished. In this way he could enjoy what she had to offer while still seeming not to care whether she came or not.
The second day when Mary asked if he would care to bathe in the tub Erik had agreed that he felt up to taking a bath. When Mary would have stayed in the room to help him in and out of the bath Erik had not so politely shown her the door. He had slammed the door after shoving her out into his bedroom. The last he saw of her was Mary rubbing her arm where he had gripped it prior to removing her from his bathroom.
Later Erik felt shame when he caught sight of the fingerprints on Mary's upper arm. She did not chastise him for it or even mention his temper.
Confusion over all the new emotions he felt left him quiet during the last days of his recuperation. Erik remembered the reaction he had to Mary when she had lain with him. That he could put down to the normal reaction of a healthy virile male toward a woman pressed against him intimately.
Once his anger had cooled toward Mary some new sort of tenderness had come over him for her. It was similar to what he had felt for Christine and it scared him witless. He did not want to open himself up to that pain again. He still suffered from the damage Christine had done to his ego, heart, and soul. Another such blow he would not risk.
The expectancy he felt for each of her visits displeased him but he could do nothing to stem the excitement in him when it came time for her to come and begin her care of him.
Her thoughtfulness, gentleness, concern for his welfare and acceptance of how he looked were not things he had ever had but from a handful of people. Even those people had kept a wary eye out for his darker side to come out. Antoinette he felt cared more for him than anyone in his life ever had yet she too knew to be wary of his temper and not to draw his ire toward her.
Mary seemed to be oblivious of any danger to her person as she continued to carry on giving him the same care she had before even after his temper. He had called her unspeakable names, threatened to send her away, he had marked her arm with the evidence of his anger and still she did not desert him. She carried on as if nothing had happened.
Four days of Mary's tender care had Erik ready to leave his bed. In a way he wished he could do as before and use the ruse of continued ill health so she would need to still care for him but Erik began to feel panic as he took note of his feelings that were developing for Mary.
What he felt for Mary did not lesson how he felt for Christine. He had thought that if ever he were to find another to care for the agony he felt over Christine would begin to fade. As of today it had not. Perhaps with time he may feel less pain with his remembrances of her.
Really there was no comparison between Erik's relationship with Christine and what was developing between him and Mary. He spent hours contemplating the differences.
He at last concluded what he and Mary shared, if indeed they shared anything, was that everything between them was based on something real.
With Christine everything had been based on lies, manipulation, music, and threats. His threats to Mary were so much water off a ducks back. He could see flashes of what looked like fear and caution in Mary's eyes at times but she did not let that deter her from doing as she wished. Never once had she hesitated to offer him a helping hand.
Erik seesawed back and forth as to why Mary put up with him. He thought she felt some emotional attachment toward him, even if it was only friendship. That thought would no sooner come than to be quickly replaced by the thought that her religious teachings were what gave her the ability to face him every day while caring diligently for him.
She would feel the same sort of concern for anyone. The church would have taught her how to look upon those less fortunate in appearance. This reasoning did not coincide with the experiences he had with priests and nuns when he still lived with his mother. They had not been kind or accepting of anything about him. Not his appearance nor his quick and agile mind at such and early age. The whippings with a thick stick were what he remembered most vividly about those people who were representing God and his supposed mercy and care.
For once Erik decided he would simply let things happen. He would neither use any influence to gain further attention nor repulse any she may offer to him freely. He could only hope things did not end badly with his heart once more being trod upon by a dainty foot.
As Erik's strength had returned Mary encouraged him to sit in a chair for a little of each day. He would read or they would play chess. Mary did not know how to play so Erik had to teach her the basics. Soon it became evident Mary was a deplorable chess player. She could not grasp the intricacies of the game. Erik still enjoyed their games.
Rather than become angry over her continued failure to learn Erik found he had some hitherto unknown patience. He who would never stoop to letting a less skilled player win now found he used cunning to allow Mary to win without letting her know he had thrown the game. He presented just enough challenge that she would not know of his subterfuge.
The day Erik was allowed downstairs for the first time since he first took to his bed, his staff made certain he had everything he could possibly want or need.
Despite Erik's dour countenance he had gained the respect of those in his employ. He hired many of them when no one else would. He paid a better than average salary. They had rooms that while not luxurious were comfortable. The new luxuries he had Antoinette order had won their eternal devotion. Lizzy and Brielle began to think he walked on water.
Cook made all his favorite dishes. Little pastry treats were baked fresh daily for his afternoon tea. Erik had never had such care in his life.
He felt uncertain why they would go to so much trouble for him. He felt he had not been particularly affable toward them. Indeed at times he had been quite horrid in his estimation, always stalking about with a dark cloud hanging over his head. His angry outbursts would win no favor with any sane person.
Erik demanded they keep to themselves rather than mix with the people from the village. Since he held the belief no one would ever find anything worthy in him of respect or the offer of true caring he could not comprehend that they cared for him as they made the extra effort to show him their regard.
As confused as Erik was, he found this new episode in his life quite to his liking. It was pleasant to exchange polite words with those who served him rather than simply accept their servitude in silence.
Erik found Jacob especially pleasant and well informed about many subjects despite having never attended any formal schooling.
When Erik learned Jacob loved to read Erik opened his library to Jacob. Of course Jacob protested but Erik told him books were meant to be enjoyed by everyone not just a select few. To waste such prose would almost be sacrileges. There were so many books in his library it would be unlikely they would want the same title at the same time. Jacob graciously accepted Erik's offer.
Everyone marveled that a gentleman of Erik's standing would open up such private rooms to the staff. They could think of not one of their peers who had such privileges.
Erik and Jacob began to discuss the many topics Jacob read about. Mary stood behind the scenes during this time pleased to see Erik grow into a much more confident and accepting person. As hard as Mary tried she could not stop the growing love she felt for this man. For love is what filled her heart with such joy simply being in the same room as Erik.
If her memory ever returned Mary did not know if she could return to the church. She did not feel as if that had been what she wanted. Not knowing of her past it was hard to form any real opinions. All she could rely on was her instincts.
Leaving Erik would break her heart, this she knew with certainty. He had embedded himself deeply within her soul. Erik had shown her nothing that normally would attract a person toward another. In fact he had done everything in his power to push her away it seemed.
Other than their days when they played chess or discussed household concerns they did not come into contact as often as Mary would like. She supposed it was for the best if she would be leaving someday and there was that woman, Christine Daaé who Antoinette had told her he had loved with an obsessive passion.
Mary found it hard to believe anyone would overlook Erik in favor of another man. It was true he had not been as normal men were. He did not behave in the same way as society expected men to act. Erik had committed all those crimes just to survive. It hurt Mary to think that Erik so devalued himself he thought the only way to win a woman was to lie, cheat and manipulate.
Erik had so much more than just a pleasing face or angelic voice. His musical talent aside Erik had proven himself to be above average in intelligence.
He could create such wonderful things. Mary had not missed all those drawings of a beautiful young woman that Erik had hidden away in his dresser drawer.
It hurt somewhat to see the love and painstaking detail in every picture. They looked so lifelike Mary could believe the young woman would pop off the page to speak to her.
Erik had drawn other things as well. Two other women graced several pages. One she recognized as Antoinette as a younger woman and a girl perhaps the same age as Christine. This girl Mary believed was Meg Giry, Antoinette's daughter as she looked similar to her.
At the bottom of the pile Erik had drawn Mary. Not posed attractively or drawn looking her best. The image Erik had chosen to commemorate to a page for posterity had been as she must have looked when he first found her.
He had drawn her lying on the sand with the waves covering her feet. Erik had at least drawn her lying on her back. When she had first looked at it she had been a little hurt that he had not drawn her in some better pose than lying unconscious on a sandy beach.
Her eyes were closed. Erik had given her a look of serenity. If she did not know what had happened to the woman in the picture she would think she had simply fallen asleep and the tide had begun to come in.
When she had looked closer she could see Erik had whimsically drawn a mermaid's body from the waist down. The torn fabric of her habit had scales peeking out as well as the customary flippers and tail.
Mary wasn't quite sure if she liked to be equated with a creature known in fairytales to lure men into the sea, never to return again.
Erik and Jacob continued to build a solid friendship. Erik had never had a friend so at first he was clueless what their relationship was. They were more than employer employee yet not quite family either.
Searching for a word to define how he saw Jacob Erik finally hit upon the word friend. He savored the word as well as its implications as it applied to him.
Having satisfied himself with pigeonholing Jacob's role Erik then set about finding what exactly his relationship was with Mary and if he wanted it to develop further.
Erik returned to his habit of listening behind the walls and looking out of his two-way mirrors. He did not feel uncomfortable invading everyone's privacy as this method had been used by him almost all the years he lived under the opera house.
He particularly watched Mary and listened in on her conversations. Although he knew her to be slated for the church Erik could not help but feel it would be a tragic waste for such a person as Mary to forgo having a husband and children. The church might argue that they needed just such caring people as Mary to carry on their good works.
As Erik watched Mary one evening as she slept in a chair in front of the library fireplace with a book in her lap he felt an overwhelming urge to put this new image of her down on paper. Hurrying to his study he gathered his portfolio and several bits of the charred remains in the fireplace.
Erik slipped quietly into the library taking a seat across from Mary. She always fell asleep after only a few minutes reading. She worked so hard during the day. Erik had meant to speak to her about all the jobs he had assigned to her when she first came to live here. At that time it had been a source of punishment. Now it only served to make Erik ashamed of himself for foisting so many tasks on her out of spite.
Anyone looking at Erik's finished drawing would know that the artist felt something more than mere artistic observance for his subject.
Emotions churned inside Erik with every line he placed on the paper. By the time he had finished all Erik wanted to do was grab Mary up into his arms. He had to resist such urges as if he gave into them he would lose Mary just as he had lost Christine.
It felt strange to think of Christine and not experience those old debilitating emotions that used to overwhelm him with every thought of her. It had been some time since he had gone to the cliff and looked into the churning waters below contemplating stepping off into nothingness. Erik estimated it had been since the day he found Mary. So much of his life had been changing for the better since the day of her arrival.
Of course he had suffered his breakdown but with Mary's help he had come through it feeling better about himself. She and his other staff members made him feel less lonely. Before Erik had not taken notice of all the little extras everyone did for his comfort.
Cook made all those special pastries he liked without him needing to ask. The maids, Lizzy and Brielle brought him tea just when he was in need of refreshment no matter what time of day or night. They always seemed to know just when to bring it. It was never any set time but always during those long nights of composing.
Jacob did a hundred and one things that were not strictly what he was paid to do. Erik learned he did them because Jacob respected Erik and appreciated him for employing a man who others shunned because of his family.
Mary went about her chores without complaint. She had taken care of him twice when he had given into his grief over losing Christine.
It bothered him that she had seen every inch of him without clothing as well as touched all those places with her hands. Along with the irritation had come excitement to think of her hands roaming over him in that way. Now he wished he had been conscious during those times.
Erik made an extra effort to speak kindly to everyone and place a tight control on his anger when something displeased him. It felt gratifying that there was little he found to irritate him these days.
Since Mary did not seek him out anymore he took to showing up in places he knew she would be and at the precise time she would be there.
He had even been so bold as to ask her to join him for a ride and picnic on the beach. He had tried to ignore the knowing looks his request for a picnic basket for two had garnered from everyone around the table in the kitchen. Erik had chosen a time he knew Mary would not be joining those gathered around the table for tea.
Erik couldn't bring himself to care overly much about whether or not his employees thought he had certain interests in Mary or not. If anything came of it they would know soon enough.
Exactly when Erik had decided to pursue his fascination with Mary he couldn't pinpoint the exact moment. It had sort of crept up on him over time.
He did not feel the same desperate need to possess Mary that he had felt for Christine. Of course there was not a suitor chomping at the bit to challenge Erik for Mary's affection unless one counted God as a rival.
Erik tried not to obsess about what would happen if Mary regained her memory and decided to return to the church to take her vows. Once again he would be heartbroken but he could at least cope with it better this time. Her rejection hopefully when and if it came would only be because of her religious beliefs and not because of his abhorrent face.
It was one thing to tolerate his face while caring for him it would be another to kiss his lips knowing what was under the mask.
This time Erik would take things slowly and let the relationship develop normally. He did not know how to court a woman but he was willing to give his best effort to win Mary for he found himself wanting her more and more with every passing day.
His attraction to Mary was no less intent than his lust for Christine had been. What he felt for Mary left him confused how to define all the different aspects. He and Christine had not had a face to face relationship until the disastrous last few months at the opera house.
Nothing in their relationship had been normal or healthy for either of them. Erik could take responsibility for keeping Christine a child in mind by letting her continue to believe him to be an angel long past the time when childish beliefs were appropriate.
Mary on the other hand knew exactly what he was. He had no doubt Antoinette would have enlightened her after his episodes of anger against Mary.
The day of their picnic Erik received word that Meg had given birth to a healthy boy. Mother and son were fine. Antoinette would be staying on to help her daughter as well as Christine when the time came.
Erik would not let the mentioning of Christine's condition spoil his day. He and Mary would have a carefree few hours with nothing to hinder their enjoyment.
If Erik cried later in the privacy of his room no one would be the wiser. Erik was done displaying his torments publicly. From now on any pain would be endured privately. He had developed a sense of pride in how others perceived him and wanted to continue to earn everyone's best regards. Weaknesses would no longer be tolerated in open displays for the entire world to see.
As Erik thought on the matter he concluded he did not really feel all that saddened or disheartened anymore. Something had changed in him. Someone had changed him, Mary, his Angel From the Sea.