Chapter 10

Walking with my soulmate I feel her hand in mine giving me strength as we get closer to them. The happy group are enjoying the sunshine by playing ball on the beach. Ricardo is throwing it carefully to Benjy so he can catch it and Gabi is near by watching and giving encouragement when needed.

I feel strange, I loved him as a son, now I have to let him go, let someone else have that love. The pain I felt when I found out Benjy was my brother's child not mine still haunts me.

Unsure I start to pull back; I don't know what to say to him, how will he react to seeing me. I know Ricardo and Gabi have talked to him, and it is Benjy's choice to see me. But it is always different when it actually happens.

Gabi calls as she sees us.

There is no going back, no quickly sneaking the other way … and Meg squeezes my hand giving me strength. So we carry on walking towards them and their attention is on us not the game...

I watch him as he now runs towards us calling out my new name. "Uncle Ben!" full of confident bright enthusiasm.

And I compare what I remember to what I see now. His dark hair, smile, and voice may be the same but I am sure he is taller, brighter and more confident than the last time I knew him.

My Soulmate's voice is gentle and for my ears only. "Do not try to pick him up Ben!"

I laugh and remembering reply, "He was heavy before wasn't he?" and know I wouldn't risk it now…

He stops in front of me and silently looks at me. Possibly taking in for the first time what identical twins means or whether he's being fooled … telling and seeing are two different things.

I look at him but then let my glance turn to include Gabi and Ricardo who have joined us and have not broken our silence but do smile a true welcome, which I return.

Then my thoughts and gaze are back with Benjy wondering if he is thinking that because I look like his father I should be his father and the whole thing is unfair and he wants his father back….

I feel he will be angry, and as my heart races I fleetingly wonder if any part of it is because it's Derek's heart or is it completely mine now. And suddenly I realise he will never be gone he will always be a memory for all of us and is hopefully resting in peace. Will never become the unspoken thing in the room.

With that thought I smile at Benjy knowing it reaches my eyes and hope it tells him I still love him. But I'm really not sure what to say, everything seems so loaded to what has happened between us and my twin, so just fall back on the usual greeting of. "Hi Benjy"

He still looks at me and then suddenly comes out with. "You are the same as Daddy was."

"Yes that's right. Identical means to look the same, but we think differently in many ways." I tell him gently and wait for the next question not wanting to lead him in any direction, this has to come from him and his need not mine.

He comes back immediately still looking at me as he always did with the trust/curiosity of a very young child and asked. "Can I hear Daddy's heart?"

There is a gasp from Gabi and Ricardo and I feel Meg beside me. But I'm not embarrassed as they might be and answer immediately. "Yes, of course!"

I crouch down so we are both comfortable, take off my jacket and undo my shirt and hug him close to me. Memories of his arrival at Ocean Drive, reading to him and many other times I held him close flash before me his head rests on my chest and he listens to the beating of my/his father's heart for a moment. Then in silent understanding we move a part a bit and with quiet words together I let him find the pulse point in my wrist and explain about the heart pumping blood round the body and he can feel it there as well.

His tiny fingers feeling the right place reminds me of the past again, of his tiny hands in mine when we went fishing and then I'm back to here and now and he eventually straightens having satisfied his need. He is still close to me and his head is level with mine for a moment, and he gives me a gentle kiss on my cheek, before he gently pushes to move away from me and says. "I can love you both now! Thank you." then softly "I'm sorry he hurt you."

I am totally amazed by his understanding and his love.

Though I want to hug him close to me again I let him go as he wants me to and he walks with a bounce over to Meg and he has a cheeky grin as he looks at her then back to me then says. "Aunties and Uncles give treats!" And immediately spins to include Gabi and Ricardo in that comment.

Meg and I laugh but Meg replies brightly. "That's why we are here near the Shock Wave so we can have fun, stuff you full of food then give you back to Gabi and Ricardo!"

His bright laugh along with the others is good to hear, and throws me back to childhood times. He has his father's laugh when he was really happy in the time before all the troubles began. And the sparkle in his eyes reminds me of Maria during those first days, months I knew her. Seeing them in him I feel their love and happiness rather than the pain and loss. In the way he reacts so easily to Ricardo and Gabi I know he is safe with them… will be loved by them. And I know I can release my love for him and become his uncle not his father ….

Fully dressed again I get up and we walk along the beach as a group. Benjy is between Ricardo and myself gently swinging our hands as he holds them in his and skips or walks. And when he talks about his parents and the things he has done or will be doing the pain lessens for all of us and we start to become a family of friends.

The sun is gradually setting as we all go into the Shock Wave for those promised treats and I somehow manage to slip back so Meg and I are the last ones to go through the doorway. And we stay on the threshold for a moment listening to her parents welcoming the others in with love and hugs and turn to watch the sun disappear a bit more over the horizon.

I gentle put my arms round Meg's shoulders and watch .. so many old memories crowd in along with the knowledge there are so many that can/will be made…

Benjy calling to us breaks the sunset spell and we turn and go in ready to enjoy the family gathering….