Disclaimers: I don't own the rights to Star Ocean: TtEoT or its characters, I make no money off them, so don't sue me.
First, I apologize for taking so long with this chapter, especially after getting the last one up within a week of the previous update. I've had a lot of things going on, and I've barely been able to write anything. I hope this is good enough to make the wait worth it.
The last two chapters were not initially part of what I'd planned to do, but I was asked to take a closer look at the feelings of Clair and Nel during the time they were apart, and I thought it was a good idea. Now that I've done that, I'll get on with the main story as I planned it. This chapter was something I've been planning since I saw this one scene in the game, and developed as I worked on the fic. I hope you like it. Oh, and a scene from this is taken directly from the game, with only thoughts added from me. Also, Nel's emotions may seem unrealistic at times, but in all honesty I've gone through what I describe here, but unlike her, I didn't have anyone to help me through it. Nel's luckier than I was.
While I'm thinking about it, I'll mention once again that if anyone wants something added or expanded, I'll gladly take it under consideration, just be specific. I do pay attention. The last two chapters are evidence of that. Also, if there any other fandoms or pairings you want to see me write, take a look at my profile. I have a list of pairings I'm interested in working on, and if there are any you like that aren't there, let me know. I may have missed a few.
To any who have been kind enough to email me, I am very, very sorry for not getting back to you. There was a problem with my email account I wasn't aware of, but I fixed it, so I can receive any mail you want to send me. Once again, I'm very sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you'll be willing to re-send any mail, because I am now able to reply to it. Thank you so much to all of you, and a special thanks to Catfish Tango, who has not only stuck with me through this fic and given some incredibly helpful reviews, but also brought the problem with my email to my attention.
All that said, please review, whether you like it not. The more reviews I get, the more willing I am to work hard to get this up for you all.
Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice
Chapter 10: The Day Her Eyes Were Opened And Her Heart Broke Free
The Irisa Fields were as beautiful as ever, made even more so by Nel's joy at being so close to home again at long last. Their battles through the huge Sphere 211 Company had been draining just by the sheer amount of them. She had become incredibly sick of the place by the time they'd gotten through the tenth floor. The redhead sighed, breathing in the warm air happily. It had all been too sterile for her. She had craved the scent of earth around her, of wood and growing things, and now she was here again. She glanced over at Fayt, who was looking around and nodding.
"Let's go to Aquios."
They didn't go immediately, instead going to Airyglyph first, where they heard news of the King's upcoming wedding and Albel spoke briefly with him about the sword Crimson Scourge, which he was given. She still didn't know why Fayt had decided to bring Albel with them, but if she were honest with herself, she had been grateful for his presence. She still hated him and everything he'd done, but he was from her world, and a strong warrior. She could at least kind of relate to him in a way she couldn't with the others, not that she took much time to actually speak with him.
'I wish I had time to go see Clair in Arias...'
It turned out that she did. They were running a little low on supplies by the time they got back there, and Fayt let them all take a short rest while he bought more. The monsters had become far fiercer than they had been, and she could guess why. These were Proclaimer and Executioner types, brought on by the problem with the uninstaller. They were all fortunate that they had taken so much time on Styx training against just that type of enemy, and Fayt's Dimension Door technique, which he'd been developing since he'd learned it, had come very much in handy, as had her own Mirror Slice.
'She seems so tired...' was her first thought when she entered the conference room. Her friend was reading over reports, looking every bit as drained as she herself was. She wondered about it, then overheard one of the runologists mention patrols and smiled. She was glad the Shield Legion commander had kept those up, even if they were especially dangerous now. It had always done great things for everyone's morale to see the gray-haired woman fighting, and winning. She sat down at the table, watching her old friend with a small, sad smile.
'She's the heart of those who serve her. As long as she's alive, they see her strength and take courage from it. I do, too. Her life gives mine purpose.'
She heard Fayt's boot steps approaching and sighed, not turning her head. He stopped just behind her, watching Clair for a moment before turning to look down at her.
"Is everything okay, Nel?"
She sighed again, watching the familiar lines of her friend's body as she got up to pace, still seeming unaware of her presence.
"I've neglected my duties and caused Clair much grief. When this is all over, I am going to have to make it up to her one way or another."
Pale brown eyes fixed on her just as bright green ones widened. Fayt was startled by the unaccustomed sentiment, then thought about whom she was talking about and what he remembered from their stop here and in Aquios before they'd left. They had hardly left each other's side in the two days before they'd all had to leave to go back to 4-D space, leaving Clair behind. In that short time, Nel had seemed happy and relaxed, a gentle smile apparently glued to her face. The pale runologist had done wonders for her spirit, and Fayt was glad they'd stopped by here. He'd intentionally decided to stop in Arias rather than Peterny or Kirlsa, knowing how much Nel would want to see Lady Clair, and vice versa.
"Nel! I didn't know you were here!"
The gentle smile he'd been thinking about moments before spread across Nel's tanned face, and he silently turned and stood by the door, giving them some privacy. Clair approached the spy's chair, her own sweet smile lighting up her features.
"How are you?"
"I'm fine, Clair, thank you," the redhead replied softly, something inside her almost aching at the sight of the beautiful runologist, "What about you? You look very tired. Have the patrols been that difficult?"
Clair sighed, brushing one long gray tail out of her face. The shorter one was still problematic, but she ignored it in favor of reaching out and touching Nel's large hand.
"Yes. This 'Vile Wind,' as some are calling it, has brought monsters unlike anything we've faced. Runology is effective enough, but we've lost some of our remaining soldiers. We may have to start more rigorous training drills soon, or we'll lose more. Still, I've found a few techniques that work well against them. I haven't had too much trouble personally, though I..."
The runologist paused, flushing slightly. She hadn't meant to say what she was about to, but she couldn't hold the words back.
"...I haven't really slept well since you left. I got so used to you being with me at night, even after just a few days. It's just not the same without you here. And patrols are so much... so much more interesting, more exciting, with you. The others just don't have anything like your skills."
Nel laughed softly, warmed by the admission while at the same time concerned by the shadows under her friend's pale eyes. Clair hadn't quite been herself when she'd left, but she'd been getting there. Now she seemed too tired to keep up her normal reserves of confidence and steel.
"Well, as soon as this is all over, I promise I'll come home and patrol with you whenever you want, if I'm not sent on a mission. As for you sleeping, the same applies. Anytime you need me, for whatever reason, I'll be there."
A fine gray eyebrow rose in surprise, and the Secret Legion leader tried to hide her sudden blush at the implications of what she'd said. Nevertheless, she didn't take it back or offer any explanations. She didn't see the need, or at least that's what she told herself. With another soft sigh, she glanced at Fayt, who was waiting patiently by the door. She knew it was time to get moving, but now that she was in Clair's company again, she didn't want to leave.
"Well... we have to get to Aquios. We should have already been there, but we had an errand to take care of in Airyglyph first. I'll... I'll come say goodbye before we leave again, if I can. If not, I'll say it now."
She stood and wrapped strong arms around her companion, ignoring her usual dislike for such displays. It felt so good to be this close to Clair again after her time away and the confusion her life had rapidly become, and the smell and feel of her calmed her nerves as nothing else could. Only allowing herself a few moments of the indulgence, Nel pulled back, smiling softly when she noticed the other woman's reluctance to end the embrace.
"I'll be back, Clair. Take care of yourself until I do, please? I don't want to even imagine coming here and finding my home gone."
"I'll protect the town, Nel, as always."
Nel shook her head, a bit of red hair falling across one eye. It was so typical of her friend to say something like that, completely missing the real meaning of her words when they were on this particular subject. If they'd been talking about anything else, she would have known exactly what was meant, whether or not it was spoken.
"I didn't mean the town," she corrected gently, seeing the confused look she got in response, "I was talking about you. I told you already, my home is wherever you happen to be. I wouldn't want anything to happen to Arias, or any other place in Aquaria, but it'd be far worse for me if something happened to you. So, as I said, take care of yourself."
The pale skin flushed deeply, and the spy chuckled, stealing another, shorter embrace before squeezing the hand still holding hers and turning away, joining Fayt at the door. He nodded in response to her gesture, and walked out. She started to follow when she heard that voice call her name. Nel turned her head, glancing back at her friend with another smile.
"I will, Nel, but you be careful too. I can't lose you either."
With a smile, the spy left, leaving the gray-haired runologist to stare after her, then laugh to herself and start reading her reports again, feeling infinitely more awake than she had. Nel, for her part, was grateful beyond words that she'd had the chance to visit her friend, but the connection that always existed between them, strengthened by the days spent together, and even by her absence, had stirred something inside her she'd been unaware of before. It was something warm and comforting, but at the same time painfully confusing.
'I don't have the time for soul searching right now...'
She shook her head, following Fayt's lead as they fought their way through the Palmira Plains and Irisa Fields again, deliberately taking on all the monsters in the area to hone their abilities for what they all knew was coming next. They didn't stop in Peterny, instead going straight through to Aquios. Once there, they met with the queen, gaining permission to take the Sacred Orb with them, which would require going through the Shrine of Kaddan. She went down to the Chapel ahead of the others, wanting to speak to her friend Rozaria about the marriage she had heard rumors about.
"I heard the news, Rozaria. So, you are to be wed. Congratulations."
Rozaria smiled at her, obviously surprised by her apparent acceptance of the situation.
"Thank you. But Nel, can you really give your blessing knowing who I am to wed?"
She shifted, shrugging slightly. She didn't really know how to answer that, but she tried her best to encourage her friend.
"I suppose so. Frankly, I'm not so fond of your fiancé... but that is your choice to make. About all I can do is share in your happiness as a friend. You must be happy now that the marriage has been decided."
Her friend's smile was answer enough, even without the small nod. She didn't know how the high priestess's daughter could love the man who had all but decimated their people, but she refused to voice any of that.
"Yes. Very happy indeed."
"Then there's nothing more I can say. I don't care much for him now, but I will make every effort to like him once he becomes your husband."
Fayt approached just then, and she looked up at him, crossing her arms, and greeting him.
"Oh, Fayt. This is my friend Rozaria. We've known each other years. You haven't been introduced to her yet, have you?"
"I have seen Master Fayt a number of times," Rozaria commented from her side, smiling at the young swordsman when he looked over at her, "After all, he's the hero who defeated the celestial ship and saved the kingdoms of Airyglyph and Aquaria. Of course, whether he knows of me is another question."
Fayt was silent, glancing over at her. He had wondered if she had the chemistry she did with Clair because they had been friends for so long, but watching her with another old friend, he realized that it really did have much more to do with Clair and Nel, and not the fact that they'd known each other a long time. The spy kept speaking, trying to ignore his thoughtful expression.
"You probably already know from all the rumors, but she is soon to be wed and become Queen of Airyglyph."
"So you're the one Airyglyph XIII is going to marry?" he asked, one hand on his hip.
"Correct. However, it has not been officially announced yet."
"Congratulations," Fayt replied, smiling and putting his hand on his hip again, "I'd like to offer you my best wishes."
Rozaria bowed, smiling broadly.
"How kind of you."
Nel crossed her arms, unable to hold back some of her thoughts anymore, and saw a perfect way to tease her old friend at the same time.
"Hey, Fayt. Can you believe it? This lady's been in love with that Arzei for 15 years."
She glanced over at her friend, giving her a teasing look.
"Or was it 16 years?"
"Oh, Nel. Don't say that--" Rozaria responded, blushing badly.
"What does it matter? Besides, my resentment towards you has never faded. I'd like to finally try to get over at least some of it." She turned her head back towards Fayt. "And I'd like our kingdom's savior to understand first hand just how difficult it's been for me." Nel turned back to Rozaria, giving her a look. "Tell it like you always do. Let's hear about the kind young man who saved your life when you were a child. And don't forget to include that fateful reunion 15 years later that I was just talking about."
"Stop being so cruel!" the younger woman exclaimed.
"Cruel?" Nel responded, mildly annoyed, "Try walking in my shoes. I've had to listen to the love stories of others until I practically learned them by heart. The gods shall not punish me for such an insignificant act."
"Then you should have talked to me about it, Nel! I could have advised you in the matters of the heart."
"Listen to me, Rozaria," she replied, shaking her head, "There's no one special in my life, so..."
She trailed off, an image of Clair's gentle face flashing before her eyes. She couldn't honestly say that Clair wasn't special to her, but... what about that strange feeling she'd been struggling to ignore all this time?
"Do not lie to me, Nel!" Rozaria replied, looking almost irritated. She could see something passing through Nel's green eyes, and knew something more was going on. "Besides, everyone has been talking about it. You have been acting more ladylike of late. Perhaps you have fallen in love." The small girl approached the tall boy. "Master Fayt, you must have noticed that Nel was in love. Let us give her some advice on the matter of the heart."
Fayt looked thoughtful for a moment, crossing his arms before taking his typical pose again, only slightly intimidated by Nel's irritated expression. He wondered if there was any way he could help Nel face whatever feelings towards Clair she apparently refused to acknowledge. What worried him more than the anger, though, was the terror only partially hidden in her eyes.
"Umm... Yeah, okay..."
Nel looked at him out of the corner of her sharp, glittering eyes. Her expression was dangerous, and her voice a threatening growl. She would not allow him to give her advice, especially when she was determined to believe that she didn't need any.
"FAYT! Let me ask you this, you're not ready to die yet, are you?"
Her face and voice made the threat crystal clear, and he backed off a bit, jerking as if struck, which it almost felt like he had been. Still, he was worried. She was so obviously deep in denial, and it was equally obvious that Lady Clair, whose love for her was apparent in everything she did, was being hurt by that denial. As she continued to speak, he wondered if there was anything he could do.
"All right, Rozaria. You win. So..."
The spy shifted, crossing her arms. Her eyes took on that dangerous light again, and she leaned in slightly, her voice dropping.
"Who could be spreading such a baseless rumor? You're going to tell me, right? After all we're friends, aren't we?"
"Nel..." Rozaria said hesitantly, "You can be rather scary at times."
Nel turned, walking away with her back to her friends and paced.
'I don't need their help! I'm in no way in love with anyone! Who could possibly say anything so stupid? I don't have some special person in my life. I just have my friends and Clair...'
Again, her mind refused to shunt her feelings for Clair into some manageable form. They pulled and pushed at her, clinging and clawing their way into her mind. She couldn't put her dearest friend into any platonic category, and was forcefully reminded of her own words, 'if I could ever love anyone, they'd have to be just like her.' They haunted the redhead, and she couldn't find the will to fight them anymore. When Fayt approached again, she tried to appear normal, but didn't think she managed.
"Honestly!" She found herself muttering aloud, "She should get her facts straight."
"That Nel... If she has something to say, she should just come out and say it," she heard her friend say to Fayt.
After the swordsman left, she exchanged a brief, annoyed goodbye with Rozaria and stormed off to her room, more angry with herself than anything else. Something inside of her was bursting like a dam put under too much pressure. All her feelings for Clair were spinning out of control, and she was being forced, by her own mind, no less, to face emotions that terrified the wits out of her. She wanted to run, but couldn't escape herself. Trapped between extremes, she could do nothing but collapse onto her bed, her body trembling and tears burning their way out of her eyes.
"No! Stop it!"
Her voice came out in a tormented whisper, all her muscles locking up as Nel fought against the overwhelming tide. It was a losing battle, and she hated to lose, but more importantly, she was so frightened by her own feelings towards her old friend that a part of her would rather die than face it. The rest of her fought it tooth and nail, because the consequences of that were too much to even contemplate.
'I can't do this! I can't deal with this, but I can't escape it!'
"STOP!"
The ragged cry was directed at the warring factions of her heart and mind, but it did nothing to stop the agony she was in. The redhead curled into a tight ball, sobbing and shaking until she thought her body would tear itself apart. Completely lost in pain and confusion, Nel didn't hear her door open and close, or the steps of another approaching her. She only became aware of another person in her room when a warm hand wrapped around her shoulder and a body sat down beside hers.
"Breathe, Nel. It's okay."
The spy took in huge, gasping breaths, her body responding to the soft command without conscious thought. Strong, soft hands gently rubbed her arms, massaging muscles that had become painfully stiff and knotted.
"What's wrong, Nel? What's hurting you so much?"
When she didn't answer or respond, the sweet voice came again, this time with a touch of steel.
"Look at me, please. I need to know what's wrong. I can't stand seeing you like this. Please, turn around and face me."
Nel tried to fight it, but there was nothing she could do. Her body had long ago trained itself to respond to that voice without question, something that usually turned out for the best, but right now the terror was increasing exponentially at the thought of looking into eyes that knew her better than she knew herself.
'I can't do this... she'll see everything... everything I've tried so hard to ignore, to fight...'
With a soft whimper, the Crimson Blade turned, slowly bringing her head up, her eyes closed tightly.
"Open your eyes, Nel. Let me see you."
With an effort of will, she shook her head, refusing. It took almost more than she had to keep her eyes closed, but she was convinced it was for the best. The other sighed softly and repeated the command, this time in a tone that she had no defense against. This, among other things, was what made the other such a fine leader.
"Nel, open your eyes."
Once again, her body defied the will of her mind, revealing dark, bloodshot green eyes to watching brown.
"Clair... I can't... I can't make it stop..."
Clair gasped at the wildness of the familiar features. Emotions tore across the green gems before vanishing again, replaced by something else. She had never seen Nel's feelings so out of control in all their time together, and to see it now was almost frightening. The runologist wrapped her arms around her old friend, trying to soothe some of the pain wracking the slim form.
"Shh, I've got you. Just take deep breaths, Nel. Calm down and tell me what's wrong."
The redhead did as she was told, suddenly able to breathe again now that warm, strong arms were holding her. Her muscular body went almost completely limp, the tension draining out of her as abruptly as it had come. The whirling maelstrom of emotion her mind had become calmed to an almost bearable flow, and she curled into the taller woman.
"Rozaria said something... and I lost control. All I could think about was what she had said, and it just took over. Gods... it hurt so much... I couldn't even breathe!"
"Nel," Clair started hesitantly, not sure she wanted to know the answer but needing to nonetheless, "What did Rozaria say? I know she's been talking about her upcoming marriage, but that shouldn't upset you so much. You may not like her fiancé, but that wouldn't be enough to do this to you. Please, let me help you."
'You already have...'
As she thought it, Nel realized how true it was. Just by being there, Clair had taken away the agonizing, paralyzing confusion, and everything suddenly started to make sense. But with that clarity, there was fear. Though the initial surge had overwhelmed her, then been soothed by her friend, it was once again coming in waves. This fear had been what had almost killed Clair, and with her, Nel's own spirit. The runologist must have seen something in her face, because she wrapped her in an impossibly tighter hold, binding and comforting her all at once.
"I can feel your heart racing, Nel. It's much too fast. You have to calm down before it bursts. I'm here, no matter what's wrong. Please, let me in. I just want to help you. Tell me what happened, what Rozaria said that would so upset you."
Try as she might to resist it, the redhead knew she needed to talk about at least some of this, and maybe, if she told Clair, the fear would fade away, or at least she wouldn't have to deal with it right now. She would just have to say part of it, and maybe that would be enough. One way or another, she couldn't risk a repeat of what had happened before.
"She... she said she'd heard rumors that I'd fallen in love, that I'd been acting differently than I usually do. She said everyone was talking about the change."
Clair's heart fell and rose at the same time. On the one hand, there was the hope that Nel could be in love with her, and on the other was the fear that she had fallen in love with another, like Albel, who, though she'd long hated the man, had traveled with them through much of their ordeal. Then came curiosity. She wondered what about love could have driven her old friend to such a state.
"Nel..." she started, her expression becoming visibly confused, "why is that so disturbing to you? There's nothing wrong with being in love. I..." Clair's voice shook slightly, but she took a breath and steadied herself, "It isn't Albel, is it?"
Nel fixed an outraged stare on her gray-haired companion, which actually relieved some of Clair's concern. If the spy had calmed down enough to be outraged at the suggestion, that was definitely an improvement.
"Please, my friend, don't ever even suggest that again," the redhead was both sickened and pained by the idea, and wondered where her friend could possibly have gotten that idea. The question distracted her from her turmoil for a moment, but it came crashing back in seconds, along with a realization.
'How much would it hurt her if I did love someone else? If I came home one day and told her I loved someone else, what would she do?' She scoffed to herself. 'More than likely, she'd be true to her nature and say she was happy for me. But what would really be going on? I know that if she ever loved anyone else, I'd be...'
The Crimson Blade felt her eyes widening involuntarily. She didn't want to deal with this, with her heart, or with her emotions, but here in Clair's embrace she couldn't keep running. She had to find a way to face this, to make her friend understand.
'My spirit would be crushed if she loved another, but that is a small price to pay. The cost of the other option is far too high. I have no right to ask that of her. Better she find someone else than face what would inevitably happen otherwise.'
Her earlier agony came rushing back in full force, and her body shook under the onslaught of emotion. Clair held onto her when she would have bolted, despite how much stronger the warrior-spy was. She was counting on the fact that Nel would never risk hurting her, even in the state she was in, and she was right. The small, muscular woman went slack in her grip before long, crying into her tunic.
"Shh, Nel. I've got you. What has you so terrified? You were about to tell me before, so please, tell me now. I need to know as much as I think you need to say it. You know I won't judge you or let you suffer like this any longer. Let me in."
Nel took a ragged breath, knowing she had to do this now, while she still could. It would hurt beyond measure, but that was a far better option than the alternative, as far as she was concerned.
"Clair... there's only one person I could ever be in love with. Only one person in my life who I care enough about and am close enough to to allow inside my heart, who I cannot fight against. You've been there for and with me through so much, and seen everything inside me without judging, and I... I think..."
She took a deep breath, trying to say the words that could damn them both, trying to find a way to protect Clair from fate.
"I think I might have fallen in love with you long ago, without even realizing it. I've spent so long believing that I'm immune to the vagaries of the heart that I am, except where you're concerned. You, who of all the people in this world and every other has the power to touch my heart, are the one person I could never resist, the one I could never fight against. You've seen me, not the person everyone else does. And I... I love you for it, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I love you, and if I'm not much mistaken, I've fallen in love with you. I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you."
The runologist stopped breathing, and time seemed to freeze around her as she was caught between two extremes of emotion and thought. Those words were everything she could have ever hoped for from Nel, everything she had ever dreamed of and had not dared imagine hearing. But what frightened her was the fear, anger, and pain that accompanied those words. Never had she known Nel to be so afraid or hurt by anything, much less something as good as loving someone.
"Why are you so afraid, Nel? You know I love you, so it can't be that I would turn you away. Why are you so frightened by your own heart? Your love is more than I ever thought I could have, and yet... you seem to think it's the greatest of sins."
The spy shook her head violently. Her friend didn't understand yet, but she would. Part of her still longed to fight her way out of those warm arms and run as fast as she could from everything, but she knew she could never bear intentionally harming Clair. She would just have to make her understand.
"You should turn me away, Clair. You should travel as far away from me as you can, as quickly as you can," she replied, half angry, half miserable, "Don't you see? It is the greatest of sins, not because you are a woman, or a soldier, or anything else. It's because it's me. If it were another who loved you, it would be just fine, but for me... it is a curse, one that I couldn't bear to see fall on you!"
Clair's pale brown eyes widened. She had never imagined it was possible for one person to hold so much emotion at once and not die, simply because it was entirely too much. It was obvious to her that whatever she was talking about, Nel had struggled with it for a long, long time, and it was equally obvious that it had taken a massive toll on her. She didn't know how yet, but she would find a way to make things easier, to make them better, for her redheaded love. First, though, she would have to find out what was wrong.
"What curse, Nel? How could a gift as wonderful as your heart be a curse? You're right that I don't understand, but I want to. Explain it to me."
"I..."
Nel choked on her voice, trying to force it past the tears that spilled down her face. She felt so vulnerable. Here she was, in Clair's lap, in her arms, being bound there by the other woman's strength and her own heart, with no escape from the truth, and the pain that would come with it.
"It is a curse, my dear friend. It's a terrible curse that I will not see you touched by! Don't you see! Everyone I love dies! My parents, my family, any who I dared to love suffer and die terrible deaths! I won't see that happen to you! I can't! You have to live! I can't let you die because of me!"
The Secret Legion leader was all but hysterical now, her voice just below a primal scream of pain and despair. To see her friend's spirit breaking under the burden she carried almost completely overwhelmed Clair. She couldn't imagine feeling the weight of such a thing, to be afraid that her love would be the cause of someone's death. She knew her spirit would die if anything happened to Nel, and she knew the same was true for the spy, but to think that simply loving someone would cause his or her death was almost incomprehensible.
"Oh, Nel," she whispered sadly, rocking her crying friend as her own tears fell from her face, "what a terrible thing to think. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you, to think that loving someone would kill them. I can see now why you were driven to the lengths you were in the Arena and... and I can see why you might thing it better to die or to make me leave you before something terrible happened, but..." she paused, tilting the round face up so green and brown eyes met, "...but I can promise you that it's not your fault. There's no curse attached to your love, to your heart. You may or may not have been aware of it, but you said you think you've loved me for a long time, and I'm not dead."
Nel seemed almost beyond reason, and she was terrified that she wouldn't be able to reach her through her fear and despair. She brought all of her formidable will and strength to bear, her eyes reaching into Nel's, trying to find some way to make her see.
"When I think back, I find that I've loved you for as long as I can remember, Nel, and I'm so scared that I might lose you to a mission, a battle, or even to yourself, but I've never stopped loving you. Nothing could ever do that. I need you, Nel. I need you in my life. I don't care about any risks there might be, but I assure you, my death due to your love is not one of them."
If she were anyone else, Clair probably would have started to panic or become hysterical herself, but she wasn't. She stayed as calm as possible, because she knew that was what her dear friend needed right now. She could tell that words alone wouldn't reach her, and could think of one other way to get her point across, but questioned whether or not she had the right, much less the nerve, to actually go through with it.
'Do I have any choice? I certainly can't leave her like this, and I can't think of any other way to get her attention, but is that because it's what I want to do more than anything? Am I just taking advantage of her?'
The runologist shook her head. She knew better. Nel had already said she loved her, so this, in theory, should be a good thing, and she couldn't think of anything else because there weren't any other options.
"Forgive me, Nel. I can't let this take you from me, even if you truly are angry with me after this. I love you, and I need you here with me," she whispered.
With a sigh, she leaned down, her lips sliding to whisper in Nel's ear.
"I love you, Nel, and I'm not afraid of dying if I can be with you, but I swear to you, if and when I do die, it will not be your fault. You've given me more than I dared to hope for. Now, let me try to return the favor."
She moved the rest of the way down, tracing the redhead's jawbone with her lips before pressing them to Nel's in a soft, but passionate kiss. It was the first time she had kissed anyone, and she didn't know what she was doing, but instinct and need guided her when she felt her companion begin to respond. This first kiss went on for an indefinable amount of time before they separated, but when they did, the spy wasn't shaking or hysterical anymore. For a long moment, she just sat in mute shock, then a slow smile spread across her face.
"Clair... you kissed me..."
At another time, she might have chastised herself for the stupidity and obviousness of the comment, but right now, she was too busy reeling between her hysterical, unreasoning state and the immense warmth and pleasure the kiss had caused. As with Clair, it was her first kiss, and a soft blush lit her face as she thought about it. She hadn't ever imagined anything could feel so wonderful, much less something as simple as that almost chaste kiss. Her companion's pale face was also red, and her smile widened when she noticed the sweet, shy expression on Clair's gentle face.
"I did. You wouldn't listen to me, so I thought I should just show you how I felt rather than try to tell you. I'm sorry I couldn't get your permission, but I..." the blush deepened, "I needed you here, all of you. You had lost yourself in fear, and I couldn't let you stay lost. I'm so glad I was able to get you back."
"Whatever your reasons," the spy replied softly, her face softening into a gentle, loving expression that took Clair's breath away, "I'm glad you did. I've... I've never felt anything like that."
"Neither have I," the now brightly blushing commander whispered. She knew it wasn't done, that they both had things that needed to be said, demons that needed to be fought, but this moment was too perfect to ruin with that. Right now, she wanted to bask in the warmth of the knowledge that she was loved by the only person whose heart she'd ever wanted or needed.
Nel smiled more broadly, resting her head on Clair's tearstained tunic. She was emotionally exhausted, the rampant emotions she had been faced with in a very short period taking their toll on her energy reserves. She could fight enemies all day, but to be forced to struggle with such opposite extremes of emotion all at once was more than she could tolerate. Her runologist smiled at seeing the clear fatigue in the green eyes.
"Rest, Nel. I'll wake you should Fayt come, or if anything else comes up. I'll be here when you wake up, regardless. We'll talk more when you're feeling less worn down."
The warrior smiled up at the taller woman, who was still holding her tightly. She didn't want to sleep and wake up to find that this had been a dream, that she would have to go through all of this again, but she knew she'd be no good to anyone as tired as she was, least of all Clair. Today had been a day of awakenings and now, despite everything that awaited her, she felt free at last, and said the only thing that mattered now.
"I love you, Clair. I want you be sure of that. I know there's much we need to discuss, but right now, I need to rest, then we have to get the Sacred Orb and face the Creator. When this is all over, we'll talk... about everything."
Clair nodded, finding herself surprised and immensely pleased when Nel leaned up and kissed her before resting against her again and falling asleep. She laid back, watching the much loved face relax fully in sleep, thinking of the days before Nel and the others had needed to go fight again, and of the last night, when Nel had come into her room after a talk with Fayt about what they would be doing the next day when they left. That night, Nel had been torn between wanting to stay and needing to go fight the evils that threatened, and she had sought comfort in her arms. They had slept together before then, but it was the first time since before the war that her friend had smiled as she had then.
(Flashback)
She was working on one of her many reports when her door opened, but she didn't have to look up to see who had come into her room. Only one person would be comfortable enough to enter unannounced, or be so silent coming in. The room seemed just a little brighter, a little warmer now, and she was filled with a sense of safety and contentment before she even turned around, smiling up at her visitor.
"Hello, Nel. Is everything ready?"
The redhead nodded, then sighed softly. She had an expression on her face that Clair had learned meant she was deciding whether or not to relate something, and she waited patiently for whatever would come next.
"All our plans are set, and our equipment ready. Fayt had some work done on our weapons, and I feel we're as prepared for this as we'll ever be. I just wish this wasn't going to be so difficult. All of us are being forced to find a new way to see our existence. It's... frustrating, at times. All I can do is fight and hope that things will fall into some kind of order. The only times I feel that things are as they should be are when I'm with you."
Clair smiled, reaching out to take Nel's calloused hand.
"That's because they are. You and I are here together, and that is definitely as it should be. Many other things may change, and we may all have to find a way to look at things in a different light, but it will make us stronger in the end. I truly believe that. As long as you and I have each other, there's one thing no one can take away or alter. No one can tell me that you aren't my best and oldest friend, and the same is true for you."
Nel smiled, kneeling so she could be closer to eye level with the seated woman, pushing one of her gray tails out of her face.
"I'm going to miss you a great deal, Clair. Your advice and wisdom has been such a help in getting me through the chaos, and in helping me sort out what's really important. It's been such a wonderful few days, and I regret that they have to end, but... I have to ensure that you and everyone else stays alive. I wish I could find a way to be in two places at once."
The spy said this half in jest, but she was also serious. Clair could see that she truly didn't want to leave, and she could understand why. The foundations of their lives had been ripped away, but, just as she had said, they still had each other. For so long, their lives had been built around the other without them even knowing it, and that, at least, had not changed.
"I do too, and I hate to see you leave again, but I know you'll come back home, and I'll be there waiting for you with open arms."
The pensive expression Nel had worn most of the day lightened, then she suddenly moved forward and embraced her tightly, picking her up in strong arms as if she weighed nothing. She laughed, warmed to her core to see her friend smiling and laughing again.
"Thank you, so much. It's so inadequate, but it'll have to do for now."
The redhead laid them both down on the bed, still smiling. The expression on her face could only be described as innocent pleasure, and it pleased the Shield Legion commander beyond words to see that, and to know she'd caused it. She wrapped herself around Nel's slim, compact form as she had done these last nights, smiling up at her.
"It's so good to see you smiling again, Nel."
The warrior laughed.
"I have a reason to smile, Clair, and a reason to come home as quickly as possible. You've given me so much already, and you keep giving me more. I am forever in your debt."
The runologist shook her head.
"You owe me nothing, Nel. Your friendship is more than reward enough."
Her warrior laughed once more, reaching out to extinguish the lamp, still wearing her innocent grin.
(Flashback)
Clair smiled at the memory, stroking the soft red hair. She knew that when everything was over, she and Nel had much they would have to deal with before they could truly be free to explore the love between them, but for now, it was enough to be here with the woman she loved more than life and bask in the twin beating of their hearts. It was more than she had dreamed possible by far, and now that she had something she hadn't known she could have, nothing could possibly force her to let go. It would take nothing short of the complete destruction of her spirit and body to tear her from Nel's side now, and that, she decided, was just as it should be.
Author's Note: I don't usually bother with one of these at the end, but in case anyone is wondering, I WILL explain why Clair was in Aquios in the next chapter. I do all things for a reason, and she's not there randomly or just because I decided she should be. There are logical reasons for pretty much everything in my writing.