I shot up in an instant, sweat soaking the sheets. The memories of all the people I had slain and all the guilt I carried bore down on me in the silence of the moonless night. Rain continued to patter on the window, making a light shushing sound. To some, it might be comforting, but to me it was more like whispers.
Why don't you kill yourself?
The world would be better without you contaminating it…
Pull the trigger…
End it…
"No!" I croaked, throat sore from suppressed screams. "Suicide is wrong."
Since when have you been a proper monk?
All the pain will go away…
Stop your suffering…
End it…
I curled into a ball, hands covering my ears, trying to block out the voices to no avail. "I have to find Master's sutra. I have responsibilities."
No one but you cares about that silly scroll…
Why are you prolonging the inevitable?
Who would miss you?
No one…
Just end it…
"Gojyo wouldn't care, but Hakkai would go crazy and Goku needs me. You've seen how he is. And I promised Lei."
We've seen their true nature, and so have you…
The three would kill you the moment they got the chance…
And you ran away from her…
Let her die…
What kind of person does that to another…
No one…
You're just not human….
You're a monster…
End it…
"Shut up!" My head pounded with a headache and I couldn't think straight.
Just pick up the gun and pull the trigger…
End it…
Slowly, as it had done so many times in the past, my hand reached for my Smith and Wesson. It fit flawlessly in my palm. Just perfect to aim at my own head. The cold steel sent a shiver down my spine as it pressed against my temple.
Just as I went to pull the trigger, I broke through the fog clouding my mind. "I didn't kill Lei. She is alive and just down the hall." I threw the gun down in disgust at my own stupidity.
For ten years, guilt for leaving the girl behind had eaten away at my conscience. What kind of person left their best friend alone to die? Now that I knew she had survived, the weight on my shoulders was lifted, if only a little. Who would think one less life at my hands would make me feel so…relieved?
I tossed the suffocating covers off and stood on the icy floor, heading towards the connecting bathroom. Once there, I splashed water on my face, washing away the night terror's affects. The purple eyes that I despised were bloodshot from lack of sleep and my hated blond hair clung to my features. I looked like I should to other people: horrible and ugly.
"Ugh, I need a cigarette." With shaking hands, I lit my little cylinder of bad karma. The toxins I breathed in stung my lungs and throat but somehow calmed my nerves. I looked at the clock on the bedside table and saw it was three o'clock in the morning. I reached for another cigarette and saw the one in my hand was the last in the pack.
Five minutes of searching was fruitless. Hakkai's pack is downstairs on the counter. He might have more. I didn't even bother putting on a shirt. No sane person would be up at this godforsaken hour. Even so, I crept as quietly as I could. All four of my floor mates were youkais with incredible hearing and I didn't need them asking me stupid questions later.
I alighted the stairs silently, tiptoeing down. When I reached the knapsack, I began rummaging through the pack. But for the life of me, I couldn't find my Marlboros in the shadowy room. "Damn it," I mumbled. A soft sigh from behind caught my attention.
Yellow eyes shone iridescently through the darkness. I tensed instinctively, reaching for the gun that I didn't have. As the being got closer, I saw it was Lei. Her thundercloud dark hair made her white sleeping yukata all the brighter. "Let me," she whispered, accidently brushing her hands against mine. I jerked back automatically at the light touch. In a matter of seconds, the youkai had found my cigarettes. I grunted a thank you but didn't head back towards the stairs. "Couldn't sleep, ey?"
If I had been in a more talkative mood, I would have said how stupid a question that was. Instead, I just asked, "Why are you still up?"
Lei lifted up her hand and her grey locks went with it as if she had rubbed a balloon against her hair. "Storm's got me all riled up and my power limiter isn't the best in the world." Another sigh escaped her lips. "Couldn't sleep a wink if I tried."
"Where did you get a power limiter anyway?" They weren't the easiest thing to find. The charms needed to be blessed by a priest or filled with the power of a stronger youkai; something to make their chi want to hide. Gojyo didn't need one because he was a half youkai, and I had made Hakkai's personally. The gods themselves made the stupid monkeys. And I couldn't see anything that would resemble one on her.
She sat down on the steps and patted the part beside her. I took the proffered seat and lit a smoke. "While I was ru…traveling around, I met some weirdo scientist on the road. I got him to pump some of his power into this." Lei lifted her wrist once again, this time revealing the red prayer beads. I stayed silent as she continued despite my shock. "It was on you for such a long time that there was some residual energy in it. I just needed the guy to reactivate it for me, in a sense. But since you didn't intentionally put your chi in it, the beads only left enough to barely keep me contained. Sometimes I can hear the whispers of the madness coming past the barrier."
I felt something delicately land on my shoulder and there was a light crackling sound. Looking down, I saw it was her head. Somehow the sneaky woman had leaned in too close for my comfort. But I was too lazy, or too shocked, to move. "The only thing that kept me going this past ten years was the promise I made to see you again. Do you remember?" She wouldn't look at me.
I almost laughed. Of course I do, I wanted to say, I was just having a nightmare about it five minutes ago. "Yeah," I replied, letting out a cloud of smoke.
"I'm glad. I know that you must have been through a lot judging by my own experience. But it's great to know that you made such good friends along the way, though I never would have imagined you picking up such a motley crew. A half youkai, a human turned youkai and something not completely…right. They seem to fit nicely with you. Balances you out and all that." Her light comments didn't hide what lay right beneath the surface of what she'd said. We didn't tell her that Goku isn't completely a youkai. And I wonder what happened to her. The way Lei spoke of my so-called friends made it seem like she'd not had one. I had already stopped trying to correct her about what to call my traveling companions since she would have none of it.
No matter how happy she tried to sound, the heart wrenching sadness in her voice made me want to do something. I just didn't know what. Dealing with women was the pervert's job, and consoling people was Hakkai's. Goku made people laugh and smile at his antics. If she was just a little more like either of the three, it would have been easy. A couple lectures, a sarcastic comment or a hand on the head would have sufficed. But my mind was blank.
So I just sat there and puffed on a cigarette. "I can't be sure, but the worst of the storm should be over by dinner tomorrow." Lei stood with a jerk, not looking me in the eye. Her tone was as cold as the freezing rain outside.
If I hadn't known better, I could have sworn there were tears glistening her eyes when she made her way around the top of the steps.