The kiss was messy and sweet and passionate and just what she needed. Buffy had one hand gripping the front of his t-shirt and the other clutching the back of his head, drawing him to her. At first, his body went limp in shock and had she not been drowning in sensation, she may have laughed. Once his senses caught up, he pulled her into his lap and met her enthusiasm. With him half-sitting, half-lying down and her kneeling on the ground, straddling his hips, it's the type of kiss they've always shared- desperate and frenzied, breathless and passionate, laced with both the love and loss they've endured.

Buffy pulled back first with her need to breathe. Spike collapsed beneath her, laughing and unbelieving, trying to process everything without losing the high of the moment. Frowning, she hovered over him.

"What's funny?"

"I've no bloody idea what's going on in my life."

With a wink, she said, "I can tell you what you could be doing."

He sat up again slightly, making eye contact.

"This real or was I knocked out hard enough to hallucinate?"

"You are definitely very much awake."

"Does this all feel a little fast to you, Pet?"

"This," she reached down to kiss him, "Still feels too slow."

"I don't mean just this. Everything I guess. It's fast and it's slow and it's strange."

Buffy frowned again and leaned away from him.

"Is this not what you want?"

"You're everything I want. 'M just not sure what it means."

They sat staring at one another for a moment. The night remained still and unthreatening as Buffy contemplated her next move. She had no clue as to what this meant either-their kiss, their new lives-but she had a good feeling about it and that's something she hasn't been able to say in a long time.

"Spike-"

"Sorry, yeah, doesn't have to mean something yet. I just-"

"It means everything. I get that now. You and I both know how messy and complicated things can get between us. We're both stubborn and independent and a little bit mean, but we're also passionate and hungry and have so much love and good intention, but don't know how to convey that sometimes."

"Love?" Spike sat up with interest, but Buffy didn't hear him as she was locked into her ranting.

"I can't promise I won't mess this up. In fact, I can promise that in some way, I will mess this up, but so will you. I do promise to try my best not to let everything just slip away no matter how big the mess-age gets."

"But what about- What-if-?"

"What-if is a game for people who can't live in the moment. God knows we should have learned by now to appreciate what we have because another five apocalypses could be threatening us tomorrow. In fact, those vamps had an ominous message for us and I'm certain Giles is going to drill me on it tomorrow, but right now, all I see and feel is you and I'd very much like to explore that."

"I don't want to lose you."

"And I've realized that I can't lose you. I've tried. We've died several times between us, Spike. I'm not sure what more drastic measures could be taken to make it permanent."

Spike looked away from her, contemplating. With a sigh, Buffy reached down to cup his cheek and bring him back to her.

"Look, I can't go on any longer pretending like I don't want more. I need you to know that. I want you. Can you please tell me what you want? I'm willing to listen to you now."

He stared at her with hard, serious eyes and an awed expression. She remained unwavering, her heart racing and hoping. For a second, Spike looked away again and appeared to be pulling away from her, but he shakes his head and looks back.

"I'm bloody well in love with you."

Buffy had started to move off of him, but froze at his words. With an 'oomph,' she threw herself back over him. Lips never breaking contact, Buffy extended fully over Spike who was once again lounging on the ground.

After a long moment, Spike attempted to sit up.

"Pet-"

"Nmph."

He tried to break away again, but she pushed him back down.

"Buffy-"

"Nuh uh, don't you dare take that back."

He chuckled and kissed her again.

"Can't. 'Ve tried."

"Good."

She went to kiss him again, but he lifted a finger to her lips to stop her.

"Spi-ike-"

"If we do this, I want to do right by you."

"Promises later, smoochies now."

"Don't you think we deserve better than a graveyard?"

Looking at him with wide eyes, Buffy nodded and maneuverd herself off of him. Once they were both standing, she lunged at him in a hug, which he accepted with a sigh of contentment.

"Uh, which way was our apartments?"

"Not sure, Luv, but I think I saw an abandoned building on our walk over-"

With an elbow to his stomach, Buffy pushed away from him, rolling her eyes, and began to walk away. Spike caught up with her, laughing, and reached for her hand, which she gave to him easily. After a few minutes of walking, Spike broke the silence.

"Honestly, we'd be doing the city a favor, knocking it down-"

Spike was glad that he didn't need to breathe because he was certain he would be panting with anticipation and right now, he really wanted to play it cool. Buffy was still clutching his hand as they stood in the hallway between their new apartments, deciding which one to enter. Potentially, she had friends on either side and he knows full well her hesitancy to reveal their relationship dynamic to them. It might not be as urgent as it once was, but he could sense her mixed emotions.

"Buf-"

"I should probably say goodnight to Dawnie and let them know we're back, I just-"

"Don't want them to know yet, Pet, I get it."

She waved him off. "It's not that. They already know."

"I could just go in and- What?"

"Well, they don't 'know' know, but they know how I feel- I mean, it was just a matter of time and I kept thinking it would happen and so did they, but then it wasn't and- I want them to know, Spike, I just don't need them to know right now what we're going to do because it's so obvious and- Now I'm just ruining the moment, aren't I?"

"'M not sure there's anything that could ruin this moment, Luv. Not on my end."

Buffy looked at him then, her eyes soft and adoring and he wanted to look away in sheer delight and abashment, but he held her gaze. She broke contact to open the door of her apartment where they had left Xander, Willow, and Dawn earlier and he paused in the doorway, not knowing what he should do. Buffy decided for him as she pulled their entwined hands behind her and stepped into the apartment where they found the three have vacated the living room.

"Hmm, looks like that conversation can wait 'til tomorrow. Xander's gonna be so-"

In the morning, he might care what Xander and the others will do and think, but right now he can't help himself, so he cut her off with a kiss. Part of him keeps waiting for her to pull away and say it was all a mistake. That conversation he and Xander overheard between her and Angel lingered in the back of his mind and it nagged at him, but he doesn't feel like it's as pressing as his need for her at the moment. Everything she's said and been doing this evening, and when he really thinks on it, the past month or so, contradicted that conversation and it confused him.

He refused to demand anything from her, not anymore. If she offered it to him, he would take it because he loves her, because she makes him want to be good, and that makes him do good things. Spike has moved past the stages of new-soul-having where he's self-loathing and thinking he doesn't deserve anything good. Those preliminary stages lasted for a very long time, until minutes ago even, and all it took was her lips pressed against his to squash it. He wondered if that made him as bad as the Ponce, but then he banished all thoughts of Angel when Buffy snuck a hand under his shirt and started exploring.

They stood for a long time in the middle of the living room, lips and limbs reacquainting. He moaned when she shifted her body closer to him, pressing up against him, and offering her neck to his lips. Her hands were everywhere- his stomach, his lower back, his chest, the nape of his hair- but when he felt her move them downward, he growled, ripped off his shirt, and worked the button on his jeans. She laughed at his enthusiasm with a small giggle, pulled away from him slightly, and held a finger to her lips to tell him to quiet. Maintaining eye contact, she took his hand and guided him backwards towards her bedroom, but then stopped to pick up his clothes and gave him a reprimanding look.

Stepping inside the room, he found it funny that she was finally opening herself up to him, here, even though here hasn't even officially become her room yet. It barely even smells like her, save for the few belongings that managed to escape Sunnydale with her. It's Buffy's room, but it's not, and somehow that made it easier for him to pull her close again and kiss her. This time, he was soft, slow, and sweet, showing her his love in a way she never allowed before and he growled again when she reciprocated.

Somehow, he managed to shed his jeans without breaking his stride, but when he started on hers, she stopped him and stepped back. All of his fears and anxieties that evaded him earlier came rushing back as she looked at him with serious eyes and a set face, but then she pulled out her ponytail, took off her pants and her shirt, her undies and her bra, and she offered herself to him fully naked. Standing before him, she was exposed and vulnerable and so was he, and Spike realizes just how different this was going to be this time. He took his time trying to remember this moment and every inch of her and when his eyes met hers again, he was surprised to see that she was doing the same thing.

Suddenly, he felt frozen without her touch and he went to her. Last second, she rotated her body so that he was lying back on her bed and she was on top, straddling his hips, and there was really nothing but him and her and bliss.

He couldn't sleep. His body was humming, his mind racing, and he couldn't help but fear that if he fell asleep, none of this would have happened when he woke. Or else, she would have changed her mind by morning. Though his eyes felt tired, all he could do was wait, her body pressed against his, curled into his side, and listen to her steady heartbeat.

Despite his best efforts, he did succumb to sleep, a whisper of a prayer on his lips.

It was a strange feeling, waking up both warm and cool. Her body was wrapped in the comforter she had brought from Giles' home until she made time to go shopping, but her back was pressed up against Spike's bare chest. The sensation, though strange, was wonderful, and she supposed it was something she would soon grow accustomed. She turned in his arms to face him, brushing her lips against his. Observing him was far easier when he was sleeping, unmoving and unspeaking, but she was surprised to find a frown set on his face.

She had assumed that last night would ease whatever tension was bothering him, but she supposed at some point, a proper conversation regarding their relationship was necessary. But Buffy was done with the angst and the second-guessing. She felt happy and light and excited and she wanted to share that with him. With a sigh, she kissed his creased forehead and rolled out of bed.

Her intention was to throw something quick together for her and heat up a mug of blood for him, but stepping out of her bedroom, she found Xander in the kitchen. She hesitated, thinking of sneaking back into her room, but he glanced up at her, looking sheepish. Instead, she shut the door as gentle as possible and tip-toed into the kitchen.

"Only one of us in my apartment remembered to stock the fridge and it wasn't me."

"Quick breakfast here then," she acquiesced, though she inwardly cursed herself for coming out at all.

"We could contribute blood. And a lot of it."

Buffy crinkled her nose, but laughed.

"Or better yet, I can go stir the Living Dead and have him make us breakfast."

Xander turned toward the front door, but Buffy reached out a hand to stop him.

"No!"

"No? Buffy, he's the best chance we've got for something edible."

"I can cook."

He quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Not well, but I can. Spike's tired, we had a rough patrol last night and he got knocked out for a few minutes. Let him rest while we scrounge something up."

She was aiming for casual, but despite Xander's hesitant suspiciousness, he nodded.

"I must have been knocked out too. Didn't hear him come in."

Buffy's eyes widened as she turned slightly toward her bedroom door on instinct.

"It was a busy day for all of us. The move and everything. Let's just make you a sandwich and get you to that construction site, huh? Now that all these slayers are arriving, we're gonna need somewhere to put 'em."

It wasn't that Buffy didn't want Xander to know about her and Spike, but now that she was faced with the prospect of telling him, it was a lot harder. Everything seemed easier when it was potential- her feelings, her friends' opinions, Spike's reaction. It would be better if her and Spike could have that conversation first, then sit them all down and tell them at once. She also really needed to get back in there as fast as possible because if he woke and found her missing, he would assume the worst.

Seeking a distraction, she nudged Xander out of the way of the fridge and started pulling out food. The boy just shrugged and sat at the table. As she started to make him a sandwich, Xander kept them occupied by talking about how construction was coming along, which she encouraged with well placed "mmhmms" and "oohs."

When a door creaked open behind them, Buffy froze before whipping around to find Willow coming out of her room.

"Morning, Will. Hungry? Buffy's making sandwiches."

Willow eyed Buffy and the food lying on the counter with a judgmental glance. She brightened after a moment.

"Oh! But Spike-"

"Is not our personal chef. We're big boys and girls and it's about time we learned how to take care of ourselves in normal adult ways."

Willow raised an eyebrow towards Xander at Buffy's rant, but he just smirked.

"Spikey's sleepy and we're to allow him his rest."

"Do you want to consist off of the blood in your fridge?"

Xander stopped talking and Willow joined him at the table in silence. Buffy placed a couple of sandwiches in front of them. While they ate, she paced between the kitchen and the living room, her eyes trained on her bedroom door.

It was Dawn who came rushing out of her room next, looking far too lively and happy for the morning.

"Did I mention how wonderful it is to have my own room again? And not in someone else's house where visitors could show up at any time and I'd have to share because it's not technically mine? Nope, this one's all me and I just-"

Buffy stopped her pacing, walked over to Dawn, ushered her sister into the kitchen, and handed her a sandwich.

"Oh, I know why you're all fidgety!"

Buffy, who had resumed her pacing, stopped and looked at Dawn in shock.

"You do?"

"Uh huh. We're shopping today to decorate the apartment. Willow, you have to come too! Oh! And Xander, you and Spike too! God knows the two of you will need plenty of help."

"I'll have you know, I am the ambiance guy."

"Funny," Willow's eyes sparkled as she spoke. "I've never heard that about you."

"I'm a carpenter. It's kinda my thing."

"For the outside, sure, but when it comes to spicing up the inside-"

"Besides you and Spike need to find your own thing," Dawn offered.

Willow laughed, "Buffy said Spike did a decent job on his crypt."

"Great. I've got blood in my fridge. Let's throw it on the walls and call it paint."

"Uh, guys? I really hate to break this up, but Dawn's right. Shopping needs to be had. Xander, why don't you drop off Willow and Dawn at the store and they can get some preliminary stuff done and then all of us can go tomorrow or something. I've, uh, got some stuff to do and Spike said he'd help. If you don't mind, Wills?"

"Sure, I could use some Dawnie and me time. Super Slaying stuff going on?"

"I-uh-nothing major, I don't think. Just something that happened last night. I'll have to call Giles. Maybe we can all meet at the house? Later?"

Before she finished speaking, Buffy encouraged the three to stand and tried to make them leave as she ignored their mutterings. It was Dawn's voice that finally broke out.

"We're not even dressed yet, you freak. What's the rush?"

Buffy was already outside her door. "Fine, fine. Get ready, I've uh-call me if you need me." With that, she closed the door behind her and breathed a sigh of relief.

Buffy sucked the air back in when she came face-to-face with a pacing Spike. He looked up at her, slight panic in his eyes.

She was the one to break the tension with a whisper. "Hi."

He matched her tone. "Hey."

"Sleep okay?"

"Sure."

She took a step towards him, but he backed off.

"Spike-"

"They out there?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Don't have to worry about me. I'll get out soon as their backs are turned, real stealth-like, yeah?"

"No-I-you don't have to go. They're leaving. Soon actually, so-"

"It's okay, Pet. Things always look a little clearer in the morning."

"It's not okay. You're upset because you woke up and I wasn't here and because it looks like I don't want to tell my friends what happened, right?"

"'M not upset. 'M just-"

Buffy folded her arms at her chest and narrowed her eyes.

"Fine, yes, I'm bleeding pissed off and maybe a little scared too."

This time, Buffy held out her hand and gestured for him to sit on the bed. When he did, she joined him, keeping a small distance between them.

"I want to be honest with you, Spike, okay? When I woke up this morning, I felt so deliriously happy, it kinda scared me."

His eyes had been staring at the wall just to the left of her, but she felt his direct gaze immediately upon her words. Inspired, she took his hand.

"You were still sleeping and I was hungry after the slaying thing and other way more fun things, so I went to get breakfast for us and Xander, the mooch, was standing in our kitchen and wasn't leaving until he got fed and then Willow came out, followed by Dawn, and I just- I want to tell them, Spike, but I don't want them to find out like that."

Spike nodded his understanding and offered her a slight smirk.

"Make you hungry, did I?"

Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Is that all you took from that? Really?"

"What can I say? I-"

"A lot more, actually."

"What?"

"There's another reason I didn't want to tell them yet."

Though he had relaxed at her excuse, his body stiffened again and he pulled back.

"I don't want you to be scared of this. At least not of me. I've done and said a lot of things in the past, but that last apocalypse and losing you put a lot into perspective for me. I told you last night that I'm going to mess up, but I'm trying really hard here to show you how much I want this and that I'm willing to fight for this when one of us does make a mistake. You seem so happy sometimes, so confident and sexy and so you, but then you shut down and you get this look on your face and you say that you're scared. Please just tell me what you're scared of so we can face this."

Letting go of her hand, Spike stood up, and started pacing the room again, his voice still a whisper.

"I have a lot more to lose in all this than you do, Buffy." He stopped and sighed for dramatic effect. "Your friends, your mission, your life. Sometimes I feel like a part of it, but I've got to remember my place, you know?"

"What does that mean, Spike?"

"'M a bloody placeholder."

"For what?"

"Who do you think?"

"Spike-"

"Angel."

Buffy closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and stood to face him.

"I actually might stake you if it'll put an end to this particular topic."