The South Park Ending

AKA: The Only Force in the Universe Even the Doctor Can't Conquer

The spaceships blasted into the sky and Jack fell over, charred beyond recognition and stone dead besides.

"You killed Jack!" Rose shouted at the retreating aliens. "BASTARDS!!!!"

"Oh dear," said a voice off to the left, wandering into the desolated waste. "She can't say that, can she?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

The Doctor stepped between the group of people who suddenly appeared and a seething Rose Tyler. "Shhh," he soothed. "Just, whatever you do, keep quiet."

"But..." she said.

"No, please, you have to," he whispered, his voice sounding... was that... afraid??

Rose sighed and nodded, still staring in horror at Jack's smoldering corpse.

The group had reached the three from the TARDIS now and were considering them closely. The Doctor stood there, looking like Rose had never, ever seen him look in his entire life. He was pale and trembly and trying his level best to screen her from view.

But they looked completely human. How was this remotely possible?

A member of the group nudged Jack with his toe and the immortal man groaned softly. Rose couldn't help herself. She flung herself down next to him and tried to get him to wake up, say something, tell her he was still alive after all.

The whatever-they-weres that scared the Doctor reached over and two of them snatched her up by her arms as if she was weightless. She tried to struggle and break free but then she didn't and she couldn't figure out why.

"What's going on, what are you?" she demanded.

"No, no, young lady. It's off to Torchwood with you. Potty mouth like that, you'll simply have to go."

"I don't want to!" she pleaded. "Not again!"

"No, this Torchwood," said one of the others, quite kindly. "Think of all the new dynamics. You can even shag Owen."

"No!" she shrieked. Horror beyond horrors. She was never, ever sleeping with the bloke everyone loved to hate. "I want to stay here, where I belong, with my Doctor."

"Jack can stay with the Doctor," the short one in the glasses promised. "We'll make you the new head of Torchwood Three. How 'bout Ianto? You can have Ianto."

"He likes Cybergirls!" she exclaimed. She reached for the Doctor and he tried to take her hands, but they just, somehow, slipped away.

"Gwen?" a woman in a very nice suit offered.

"No!" Rose said, then thought about it. "Well... No!"

"We'll let you say 'Wanker'," the bloke in glasses promised.

"I..." Rose paused. "Can I shoot things?"

"Lots of things."

"But..."

"If you take Rose and leave Jack," said the Doctor, "who're you gonna kill every other week?" He had such a reasonable, pleading tone in his voice. He wasn't even trying for harsh, he was trying for groveling. She wondered if he'd break something doing that.

"We'll hold off," said the one in glasses firmly. "We'll wait 'til the grand finale and have someone pop a cap in Rose. Two seconds before we fade to black, we'll have just a vague shot of a woman wearing what she was last seen in, racing across the Plaza."

"Yeah," said another, "but that'll be tough."

"I know," agreed the one in glasses, "but think of all the opportunities for getting Jack randomly killed by aliens!"

"Oooh, good point," said several.

"Can we have real aliens then? Like the Sycorax?"

"Oh, sure. Oooh, and I just thought. Rose and Martha aren't going to get on so well, are they!"

"Oh, that's a brilliant idea, I like it," agreed the one in glasses. He was apparently the one in charge. "So, that's that then. C'mon, Rose. We'll just need to get you back so we can get started on your new story."

"Hey," suggested the young bloke at the back, "how about if she tries to pretend to be Jack for the first couple of episodes, just to confuse everyone?"

"Good idea," agreed the woman.

"Oh, and Gwen figures it out," agreed the glasses leader bloke. "We can have more telepathic Gwen hints that way."

Still discussing, they dragged a struggling, kicking Rose across the landing strip and out of sight. The Doctor, resigned that he had lost for a time, sank to his knees next to Jack, bawling.

"What was that?" Jack asked after a moment. He came back to life, then, fully beautiful, not even a hair out of place.

"The only force in the Universe even I have no power over."

"The Eternals?" Jack breathed, astonished. He'd always figured the Eternals were more... amorphous. And other-worldly. These were just a bunch of people on what looked for all the world like a coffee break.

"No," the Doctor said, and hung his head in bitter defeat. "The Writers."