Disclaimer: Since we have only seen the one Klaine kiss, we can all safely assume I have not been given ownership rights of Glee. And as far as Harry Potter goes, seeing as how I still only have about five dollars in my bank account, I seriously doubt I own that either.
A/N: I am SUPER nervous about this chapter. It's incredibly angsty. It might be frustrating to read (it was certainly frustrating to write), but please, please read to the end.
With one kiss everything had gone right to hell.
As Blaine fled from the room, from Kurt, and from the things that Kurt made him feel, Blaine could hear a kind of roaring in his ears, which quickly turned into screams that mocked and haunted him. He fucking hated it. He hated how familiar those screams were. He hated himself for his inability to control his emotions and desires, and a small part of him even hated Kurt for so obviously loving him, because Blaine couldn't reciprocate those feelings - it would be too dangerous. For both Kurt and Blaine. But most especially for Kurt.
Once he was out of the Tower, Blaine's feet carried him to a secret place without his consent. Or, at least it certainly felt that way.
On some level he knew he should take responsibility for what he was about to do, but that would hurt too much. Plain and simple. Denial was the better option by far, and he had gotten quite good at it over the years.
Blaine ignored Myrtle when he saw her and instead headed straight for the collection of sinks at the center of the rarely used washroom. He fingered the snake on the faucet as he spoke the words that felt like slime on his tongue.
Chase was exactly where Blaine thought he would be, as if the Slytherin somehow knew that Blaine would show up.
From his place lying stretched out on the filthy, muddy floor in front of the massive statue of Salazar Slytherin, Case leaned up on his elbows and regarded Blaine with cold eyes. It had always disturbed Blaine to no end that Chase could have a lie-in in a place like this, but then again, Chase Dare certainly wasn't in his right mind.
"Come to suck me off, have you?" Chase asked without preamble.
Blaine flinched at the abruptness.
Chase rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on, Blaine. Don't act all innocent and corrupted. We both knew you'd be down here eventually."
Oh, Merlin, what am I doing? Blaine thought. He felt sick. Absolutely sick. Hadn't he told himself that he was better than this? That he wouldn't be back? And yet here he was. When it came down to it, he truly was pathetic, wasn't he?
"I kissed him," Blaine blurted out.
Chase barked out a laugh. "Merlin, Blaine, you are fucked up, aren't you? I thought you liked him."
"I do," Blaine whispered.
Chase sat up all the way, a vicious look on his face. "Then you had better leave him alone before you kill him like that poor tosser, what's-his-name."
Again, Blaine flinched. "I didn't kill-"
"You fucking might as well have!" Chase yelled. Then his features softened to cold indifference. "Whatever. Just get over here."
Blaine didn't move. "If Kurt found out, it would hurt him."
"So? It's better if he hates you anyway. I'm all you've got."
"Aren't you afraid I'll tell people about us? I could, you know," Blaine threatened, even though he knew it was an empty one.
Chase laughed. "You go right ahead and do that if you like. You think I give a fuck what people think of me? Who I fuck is my business. If people don't like it, too bad."
"And Lila?"
"I don't give a fuck about that silly bint. She knows it, and I know it. And you know it, too." Chase snorted. "Your excuses are even more pathetic than usual, Blaine. We both know you won't say one damn thing. You care too much about your reputation and being perfect, Prefect, little Blaine when you and I both know that you're just as fucked in the head as I am. At least I'm brave enough to admit it."
"I hate you," Blaine said.
"Good. If you cared about me then it would probably be me holed up St. Mungo's Hospital, pissing on myself everyday because I don't know what's up from down. But we can save that glorious fate for Hummel, if you want. If not, then you can stop complaining, because like I said before, I'm all you've got. No one is going to accept someone like you. I'm the closest thing you'll ever get to love, so either stop wasting my time and do what you came here for or fuck off."
Chase grinned triumphantly when Blaine walked slowly forward.
It was a long time it finally occurred to Kurt that he should probably get off Blaine's bed. His body felt so much heavier than Kurt knew it ought to, but he forced himself to sit up anyway. Once he was sitting he looked down and noticed that he had left a damp mess of tears on Blaine's pillow, so he gingerly reached out and turned it over.
That done, he got up to shuffle across the room and sit on his own bed. A quick glance at the clock told him that he had missed Herbology, which was fine. The very last thing he wanted was for people to see him all puffy eyed and red nosed. He would just find Professor Longbottom later and say that he hadn't been feeling well.
With absolutely nothing left to distract him, Kurt thought about his first kiss without really wanting to. He wondered how he was supposed to deal with how horribly it had ended. He would always remember that his first kiss had been ruined. First kisses were supposed to be remembered as a welcomed loss of innocence and the sweet anticipation of second and third kisses. Miserably, he realized that he wouldn't be getting any second or third kisses. At least not from Blaine. Kurt was sure of that.
He had never seen anyone look quite so broken and utterly wronged as Blaine had. The look on Blaine's face was as if someone had turned his entire world upside down just to watch him gasp for air that wouldn't come, and Kurt had no idea why.
So maybe Blaine was afraid of relationships, or commitment, or whatever people who avoided love were afraid of, but surely something so trivial as a fear of commitment (trivial in Kurt's mind at least), didn't warrant the absolute horror that had been all too obvious in Blaine's eyes. What in the hell had happened to Blaine to make him look at Kurt that way?
Kurt realized that he needed to know.
For a split second he thought about running to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face - just to relieve some of the swell and redness from his skin, but he discarded that idea just as quickly as it had come. He hurried out of the dorm and down the dormitory steps. A few of his housemates looked at him in alarm, but he paid them no mind.
It was funny how much a thirty second kiss could change things so completely. A few hours ago, Kurt had been positive that Blaine wouldn't go to the Room of Requirement without him. Now, however, Kurt was almost sure that was where Blaine would be.
As it turned out, Kurt had only been partially right. As he rounded the corner on the seventh floor, he found Blaine not in the Room of Requirement, but slumped against the wall directly opposite from it.
Slowly and silently, Kurt walked up to Blaine and stopped a few feet away from him. Kurt frowned in confusion at Blaine's dirt covered robes and his rumpled clothing. The buttons on Blaine's shirt didn't line up correctly and his gray vest and Ravenclaw tie were nowhere to be seen. And Blaine smelled, quite frankly, like death and decay. It had only been a couple hours or so since their kiss. Kurt wondered where in the hell Blaine had gone to return in such a state.
Kurt stared mutely at Blaine as Blaine stared blankly at the wall. Now that he had found Blaine, Kurt realized he had no idea what to say. Did he even have a right to pry? He and Blaine were friends (or they were), but did that mean Kurt could press Blaine for answers about his personal life?
He is the one who kissed me, Kurt suddenly remembered. I have a right to know.
Kurt had just decided upon blurting out the first thing that came to his mind, consequences be damned, when Blaine asked:
"Have you come to fuck something else up?"
Kurt's mouth fell open and his mind went momentarily blank. "Excuse me?" he asked without venom. He was too shocked to sound angry.
Blaine kept on staring at the wall. "You heard me."
Bewildered, Kurt shook his head. "Why are you being this way?"
Blaine said nothing, so Kurt tried again: "It was only a kiss, Blaine," Kurt lied, because it hadn't been 'only' a kiss, no matter what he or anyone else said.
Blaine laughed bitterly and called Kurt out on his lie. "Only a kiss, Kurt? We both know that's not true."
"Fine, then," Kurt snapped. "I lied. Happy? It wasn't 'only' a kiss for either of us." His anger faded quickly. "But I don't understand," he said miserably. "Why does it have to be a bad thing?"
"Because it was a mistake!" Blaine yelled, making Kurt flinch at the suddenness of it. Blaine shot to his feet. "And it shouldn't have happened! Just like that damn date. That was a mistake, too!"
Kurt felt his breath leave him. A mistake?
But Blaine wasn't finished. "But you just had to push! You had to have your way! You're always whining about how horrible your life is because no one has kissed you or loved you, well, grow the fuck up Kurt! You're so spoiled that all you focus on is every little negative thing that has happened in your life when you should be content that you have a family who loves and provides for you! I'm never going to have that!"
Blaine was uncomfortable close now, and was glaring up at Kurt like he had something to prove. "My father hates everything about me and my mother sits there like some stupid fucking doll without a brain and lets him treat me like shit! So stop sniveling like a little fucking girl about how horrible you've had it because a few guys ruined your perfect hair and rumpled up those damn clothes you care so much about! And stop fucking pressuring me to love you because it's pathetic!"
Kurt figured that maybe it was the crack about him acting like a little girl, but when he brought back his hand to slap Blaine, he balled it into a fist at the last possible second and punched him instead.
Blaine staggered back, looking shocked and hurt. Kurt's anger flared up at the sheer audacity of it.
"Fuck you, Blaine! You have no right to tell me that the bullying I went through at my old school doesn't matter! Because it matters to me! It hurt being treated like that every day, and yeah, I have a wonderful father, and I love him and he loves me, but that doesn't negate the pain I went through, so don't you fucking dare try to say that it does! And don't you dare call me pathetic! Maybe I overstepped by not respecting your wish to stay friends, but you were the one who grabbed my hand, you were the one who kissed me, and you were the one who agreed to go on our date! I didn't force you to do any of those things, so don't go playing the victim!"
Blaine still had that hurt look on his face, and Kurt couldn't have cared less. He was on a roll.
"And as far as I'm concerned, it's not like you tell me anything about yourself anyway, so how am I supposed to know what you're going through? I didn't want to pressure you Blaine, and I may not have had any friends before I came here, but I'm pretty sure that friendship is a two way street." And just like that, Kurt's anger was gone. It faded away surprisingly quickly until all that was left was pain and insecurity. "And… and what is so wrong about wanting to be loved? Everybody wants someone to love them." Kurt looked desperately at Blaine. "I want that, Blaine. Don't you?"
"Yes," Blaine whispered, a far off look in his eyes.
"Well, I love you, Blaine." The words seemed to drop straight from Kurt's mouth to the floor, where they lay exposed and vulnerable.
Blaine slumped against the wall. "Please don't say that. You don't mean it. You can't mean it."
"Why not?" Kurt challenged. "It's how I feel."
Blaine shook his head. "Because you don't understand. And even if you did, it wouldn't matter, because I just can't."
"Can't what?"
Blaine looked up at Kurt with sad eyes. "Hurt you."
Kurt wanted to cry again, this time out of sheer frustration, but he held himself in check. "Blaine, please. I can't help you if you don't tell me how to. You need to trust me."
"Well, I don't."
Kurt sucked in a whistled breath. Every other harsh thing Blaine had said to him paled so horribly in comparison to that. Blaine absolutely refused to look at him, and after that admission, Kurt didn't really want to look at Blaine, either.
They stood against the wall across from what used to be their safe heaven cloaked in uncomfortable silence.
When Blaine returned to the dorms a few hours later, he found all of the sixth year boys waiting for him except for Kurt. Blaine had no idea where Kurt was. After Blaine had told Kurt that he didn't trust him, Kurt hadn't stuck around for long. Blaine couldn't say that he blamed him.
Nick took one look at Blaine's disheveled clothing and scowled. "Well, that's just fucking great."
"Nick," David bit out a warning. Nick threw his hands up in the air in a show of frustration but didn't say anything else. David turned his attention to Blaine. "So, we saw Kurt. He didn't look good."
Blaine nodded and ran a hand over his face. He felt so tired. "Where is he?"
"Mercedes and a few other girls from Gryffindor came and got some of his things a while ago," Jeff explained. "They looked really angry. I don't know what a gilipollas is, but Santana Lopez says that you are one."
"Apparently Kurt is going to be staying with them for tonight," Wes supplied.
Blaine nodded again. "Right." What else was there to say?
"You don't look so good, either, Blaine," David pointed out. "What happened?"
Nick rounded on David. "What happened?" he demanded, incredulous. "We all know what happened. Blaine got to feeling sorry himself again and went down to that damn Chamber to do Merlin knows what with Dare, and then he probably ran into Kurt afterwards and acted like a total prat and hurt his feelings."
Blaine said nothing. It was true for the most part, anyway.
David sighed. "Nick, please, that's not helping."
"I don't care," Nick insisted. "This is completely and utterly ridiculous," he said as he turned to face Blaine. "Enough is enough, Blaine. You need to talk to Kurt. If not Kurt, then talk to us. Hell, talk to Professor Slyvester for all I bloody care, but you need to go to someone other than Case fucking Dare for comfort because he is ruining you. And you are hurting Kurt. Do you understand that, Blaine?"
"I'm trying to protect him," Blaine argued weakly.
Nick huffed. "Merlin, Blaine, you can't keep doing this to yourself. It's not healthy. Allowing yourself to love someone isn't a bad thing. You love all of us. Maybe not romantically but it's still love, and we are fine. You haven't hurt anyone. Kurt will be fine, too."
Thad, who had been silently listening from his bed, suddenly stood up. "Blaine, can you come with me, please? I would like to show you something."
Blaine didn't really want go anywhere. He was feeling pretty much like shit. In addition to being ashamed of himself for going down to the Chamber when he had known that he would just regret it afterwards, he had probably ruined his relationship with Kurt beyond repair, and all he wanted to do was lay down on his bed and wallow in the misery the brought on himself.
But Thad didn't seem to care what Blaine wanted because the brunette took hold of Blaine's filthy sleeve and dragged him to the door without waiting for Blaine's consent. Thad also ignored everyone else when they all started asking questions at once, wanting to know where Thad was taking him.
"Where are we going?" Blaine asked after they had been walking for quite some time. He was surprised to find that he actually had no idea where he was. He had been under the impression that he had been everywhere there was to go at Hogwarts.
"I want to show you something," Thad repeated and Blaine didn't press him to elaborate further.
Eventually they stopped at a very large, very old pair of doors, and a ghost passed through the left one from whatever room was on the other side. Blaine immediately recognized her as the Ghost of Ravenclaw House, otherwise known as the Grey Lady.
She turned her sad, dead eyes on Thad. "Back again Thaddeus Hardwood? You shall waste away before that mirror."
Thad's expression remained stoic. "I should say the same for you, Lady."
Her lips twitched ever so slightly, as if she might have smiled. "I am dead. I cannot waste away any more than I already have."
Thad shrugged. "Emotionally, then."
The ghost looked amused. "You are a very queer human, Thaddeus Hardwood, but I thank you for believing that I still have the ability to feel."
Thad inclined his head. "Your welcome, Lady."
Without so much as a glance in Blaine's direction, the ghost floated away.
Thad pulled the door open. "Follow me," he told Blaine, and Blaine did.
The room behind the door was massive. It was also empty except for a large, rectangular fixture that stood in the middle of the room. The Grey Lady had called it a mirror, but Blaine didn't see any glass, so either the ghost had been mistaken or it was turned the other way.
"The glass is on the other side," Thad answered Blaine's thoughts. "Go look and tell me what you see."
"If it's a mirror, won't I just see myself?" Blaine asked.
"Humor me," Thad said.
Blaine held in his sigh and walked over to the impossibly tall mirror until he stood in front of the glass. The very first thing he thought when he saw his reflection was that he looked terrible. He was dirty and he looked about ten years older than he really was. There were bags under his eyes. If Thad was trying to make Blaine feel bad about himself, it was certainly working.
"I just see myself," Blaine said quietly. He wanted badly to look away. He couldn't stand looking in his own eyes.
"Give it a moment," Thad said, but Blaine wasn't listening because in that moment the image in the mirror changed and Blaine was suddenly looking at Kurt.
The Mirror Kurt smiled gently at Blaine before mouthing, "None of those things that happened were your fault, Blaine, and I still love you." Mirror Kurt didn't actually talk, not audibly anyway, but Blaine could almost hear Kurt's musical voice say the words. It sent a chill dripping down his spine.
Blaine tore his eyes off the Kurt in the mirror, who had started to mouth the same words again, and looked at Thad. "What is this?"
"It's called the Mirror of Erised. It shows us our deepest desires."
Blaine looked back at the mirror just in time to see Mirror Kurt mouth the words, "I still love you," and Blaine's eyes teared up. He lifted a hand to touch Kurt's false image. He would have given anything to see the same image in a mirror that told the future.
"What do you see?" Thad asked.
Blaine sniffled. "Kurt. He's telling that what happened third year wasn't my fault and that he still loves me." Suddenly angry, Blaine ripped his hand away from the mirror and turned his head to the side. "But it really doesn't matter. It's a lie."
"It's not a lie," Thad insisted. "It's showing you truth about what you want most."
"Just because I want it doesn't mean it will come true," Blaine snapped.
As always, Thad remained stoic and calm. Poised. "It doesn't mean that it won't come true, either."
Blaine froze. "But…"
Thad sighed. "But what, Blaine? You can punish yourself over this for the rest of your life if you like, but that isn't going to change one single thing. If anyone should be punished over this, it should be your father. He was the one who had you sucking down those potions of his three times a week without bothering to test them first to see if they were safe for you to take."
"I know that I can't change what happened," Blaine said truthfully. He had tried that once already. He could remember staying up all night in the hospital with his parents, stuck in his own personal limbo as he waited to hear whether or not he had killed a boy. Once Blaine and his parents were told that the boy would live, but would have to spend the rest of his life in a psych ward, Blaine learned at the tender age of thirteen that some things were worse than death. And to his father's horror, Blaine had made quite the spectacle of himself as he dropped to the floor and grabbed at Carl Anderson's robes, sobbing loudly as he begged his father to use his influence at the Ministry and get a permit for Blaine to use a Time Turner.
Blaine pushed the horrible memory and its aftermath away. "I'm not trying to change anything, but I can't expect Kurt to be with someone who has done the things I have. He deserves better."
"You're being selfish and presumptuous, Blaine. That's Kurt's decision to make, not yours. He deserves the truth from you."
"But what if I tell him and he hates me?" Blaine whispered. "I… I don't think I could handle that." He looked at Mirror Kurt's beautiful smile. "Especially not after seeing this…"
Thad shrugged. "What if you tell him and what you see comes true?"
"Even if he does say he still loves me, how could I ever believe him?"
"You're just going to have to trust him. But I guess if you're that worried about it, then bring him here when you tell him. Ask him what he sees. The mirror never lies. But, Blaine," Thad said, his voice stern and serious, "you are going to have to trust him eventually. Without proof of the mirror. You can't always have everything neat and perfect. Life isn't all back and white like that. There are shades of grey."
"Kurt said something like that," Blaine said softly. And then he thought of something. "What do you see in the mirror, Thad?"
Thad avoided Blaine's eyes as his cheeks colored, which was something that didn't happen often. It was all the answer that Blaine needed.
"You should give Jeff a chance," Blaine told him.
Thad shook his head. "That's different."
"It's not really," Blaine said, shocking himself, because it was true. Blaine knew for a fact that Jeff loved Thad. Jeff had always loved Thad. Maybe Jeff had a funny way of showing it sometimes, and maybe he and Thad were two vastly different people, but Jeff still loved him. And if Thad just gave Jeff a chance, Blaine knew that the two of them could be happy together.
Was it possible that Blaine and Kurt could be like that, too?
"It is different," Thad insisted. "Jeff is straight."
"He says he's not when it comes to you."
Thad scowled at the floor. "He says a lot of things that he doesn't mean."
"Now who's being presumptuous and selfish?" Blaine challenged and Thad looked up, obviously surprised at having his own wit thrown back at him so successfully. The other boy opened and closed his mouth a few times in silence.
Blaine smiled just a little at the flabbergasted look on Thad's face. "Thanks for bringing me here."
Kurt sat in the Great Hall the next morning not eating and not talking to anyone. He didn't look at anyone either.
"Kurt, are you o-"
"Oh my god, Finn!" Kurt snapped. "Stop asking me that! Do I look like I'm okay to you?"
Mutely, Finn shook his head.
"Then why do you keep asking me?" he demanded hotly.
Finn just sat there. He obviously had no idea what to say.
"Well?" Kurt prompted in his snarkiest tone of voice. He knew he was acting like a shit but he really didn't care.
Finn looked to his left and then to his right, obviously searching for a life line, but all of his fellow Gryffindors had their eyes cast down at their breakfast plates. "Uh… I don't know?"
"You don't know?" Kurt asked, and Finn nodded despite the uncertain look on his face. "Well, in that case, neither of us knows why you're being a repetitive moron, so just do me favor and stop asking me stupid questions!"
"Merlin," Finn muttered, looking slightly hurt. Rachel reached over to rub Finn's back.
Kurt sighed and dropped his head in his hand. He was being a bitch and none of them deserved it. They had all been so nice to him last night when he showed up at the Gryffindor portrait hole with red rimmed eyes and a broken heart. The girls had gone to the Tower to collect his things while the boys sat with him in the Gryffindor common room and gave him reassuring pats on the back. Puck had even slept on the floor all night so Kurt could have his bed. Kurt would have stayed with the girls, but if a boy so much as stepped foot onto the staircase that led to the girl's dormitory, a magical alarm sounded.
"I'm sorry, Finn. That was really mean," Kurt apologized, feeling more and more like an ass. "I shouldn't be snapping at you guys."
Tina, who was sitting next to him, laid a hand on his arm. "It's okay, Kurt. You're hurting. We understand."
Finn nodded.
Kurt grimaced. They were making him feel worse. "Still…" he began, but trailed off when he noticed that everyone sitting across from him was glaring angrily at something over his head.
"Um," a voice said from right behind him, and Kurt's body went absolutely rigid. The very last person he wanted to see or talk to right now was Blaine.
And if the looks on his friend's faces were anything to go by, they didn't want Kurt seeing or talking to Blaine either.
"Something you wanted, Anderson?" Santana asked, her voice cold as ice.
Blaine cleared his throat. "I wondered if I could talk to…" he trailed off with a sigh. "Kurt," Blaine addressed him directly. Kurt didn't dare turn around. "I wondered if we could maybe talk?"
Finn scowled. "I think you said enough yesterday."
Puck backed up his best friend with a nod. "Kurt won't tell us what you said, but I'm sure it wasn't anything good, so why don't you slag off back to the Ravenclaw table and just leave him alone?"
Blaine didn't move. Kurt could feel Blaine's closeness at his back. It made his skin tingle uncomfortably.
"I told him that he was spoiled and pathetic and that I didn't trust him as a friend," Blaine told them.
Blaine's honesty ripped through Kurt's body like a bullet. If Kurt had been holding something, he was positive that he would have dropped it in shock. But he wasn't holding anything, so Kurt dropped his jaw instead.
Several other jaws dropped, but for entirely different reasons.
"You've got to be fucking kidding-" Santana began in an outrage but she cut off when Kurt held up a hand to silence her.
He turned around to look up at Blaine. "Why are you even here? What else could you possibly have to say to me?"
"I'm sorry," Blaine said in a rush. "I'm sorry I said those things. I didn't even meant most of it. I was just so angry, and…" He trailed off.
Kurt's narrowed. "What do you mean that you didn't mean 'most' of it? Because all of it was pretty terrible. Are you actually trying to tell me that you agree with some of the things you said to me?"
Blaine grimaced. "I… not exactly."
"Not exactly?" Kurt repeated, furious.
Looking incredibly uncomfortable, Blaine shifted his weight from one foot to the other and back again. "Can we just talk? So I can explain everything? Please?"
Kurt made his decision quickly. "I'll be back, guys," he said as he stood up. He ignored Blaine's small smile of relief. Quite frankly, Blaine could take his smiles and shove them for all Kurt cared. Kurt might have been impressed with Blaine's honesty, but that didn't make all of the hurt Blaine had caused just go away.
"Kurt," Finn began, "are you seriously going to go with him after what he said to you?"
"Yes," Kurt replied.
Finn frowned. "…But why?"
Because I love him, Kurt thought. And that means something to me.
Instead of answering his brother Kurt repeated, "I'll be back."
Neither of them spoke as Kurt followed Blaine through the castle. At first Kurt had figured that Blaine was going to take him to the Room of Requirement. He hadn't known how he felt about that. However, Blaine was leading him down towards the dungeons instead of up to the seventh floor. Kurt looked around with only a very mild interest at his surroundings as castle walls began to look older and dirtier. He wondered briefly when was the last time anyone was there to clean them.
Just when Kurt was going to ask if they were almost there, Blaine stopped at two large wooden doors and pulled one open. The hinges creaked horribly, making Kurt wince at the sound. Kurt followed Blaine into the room.
"That's a mirror," Blaine said, pointing to only object in the otherwise empty room. "The glass is on the other side. Could you go look at it?"
Kurt sighed impatiently and stayed where he was. "Blaine, I already know what I look like. What is the point of all this?" Kurt was all for trying to work things out. If Blaine wanted to apologize then Kurt figured he could at least listen. But this mirror thing just struck him as a colossal waste of time. If Blaine had some grand metaphoric take-a-good-look-yourself-talk planned out, Kurt would rather do without it.
Blaine looked at him in a needy, almost desperate way. "Please, Kurt? I just need you to do this for me. And then we can talk, I promise."
Kurt huffed and moved forward. "Fine. But I'm not going to be staring at myself while we are talking." At first the mirror only reflected his own image back at him, and Kurt was about to roll his eyes when it changed.
He still saw himself, but he was laying down on a couch and Blaine was laying in Kurt's arms. With his cheek resting against Mirror Kurt's chest, Mirror Blaine had his arms wrapped around Kurt's waist, which couldn't have been very comfortable in the position they were in, but judging from the contented smiles on their faces neither of them seemed to care. Kurt watched himself play with Mirror Blaine's curls and then lean down to kiss the top of Blaine's head. Mirror Blaine smiled and leaned up to lazily kiss Kurt's chin before returning to his former position.
"What is this?" Kurt asked. "Does it show the future?"
"No," Blaine shook his head. "What do you see?"
Kurt hesitated, not sure if he should tell. Even though what he saw involved the both of them, the image was oddly personal, and Kurt felt the need to protect both the image and himself. But Blaine looked so desperate that Kurt found himself saying, "I see us."
"What are we doing?" Blaine asked immediately.
Kurt looked hard at Blaine's eyes. "We're laying down together. I kissed the top of your head." Kurt narrowed his gaze at Blaine just a little bit. "You kissed me back."
Blaine nodded and looked away. "I'm sorry it hurt your feelings when I said that I didn't trust you. But I would be lying if I said I didn't meant it."
Kurt let that resonate and said nothing. Hearing it hurt like hell. Maybe even more so now since neither of them were yelling at each other.
"I've done some… really horrible things, Kurt. And I just can't trust you, or anyone really, to know what those things are and still want to be with me."
"Blaine, I don't-" Kurt began, but Blaine cut him off, which was something Blaine never did.
"Please, just let me finish. I've never said this out loud before… and I…" Blaine trailed off and began again. "When Chase outed me to everyone at the end of our second year, I wasn't stupid enough to think that everyone would forget over the summer, or anything like that, but I did think that it would be nice to have a whole three months away from all the teasing. I thought it would be nice to get away from Chase, too. He never teased me, but he watched while other people did. He likes that, you know. Watching other people in pain.
"But that doesn't really matter to the story. Anyway, I went home for the summer, and somehow my father knew about me. I don't know how, but somehow he just did. He always does." Blaine frowned and his eyes went blank, as if after all these years he was still trying to figure out that puzzle. He blinked the vision back into his eyes and continued. "He didn't say much about it. My mother picked me up from the platform and when we got home, the first thing he said to me was, 'I know that you're gay.' And that was it. He turned around and went back to his study. My mother didn't say anything. She never does."
Blaine looked at Kurt with an amused smile that was sorely out of place and made Kurt uncomfortable, "You know, I actually took that as a good sign. No one yelled. No one said I was disgusting, or called me names, or tried to kick me out, so I thought everything was pretty okay. We were never really a very verbal family, anyway. So at breakfast the next day when my father told our cook that I was no longer permitted to have orange juice with my breakfast on Saturdays because he had made me something special to drink, I didn't ask questions."
Blaine barked out a hallow laugh.
"You know, I was actually happy that my father made me something. I figured it meant he loved me because he was taking the time out of his busy day to make something just for me. People begged my father to make things for them all of the time, and the price they paid for his potions was always very high. My potion was free, and I hadn't even had to ask for it." Blaine scowled. "Kids are so stupid. So damn trusting when they shouldn't be. I only took three sips before threw it up. I threw up every single time I took it for a long time. I didn't even complain. Eventually I stopped throwing up - I got used to it, I guess - but not throwing it up was almost worse, because then it stayed in my system and it made me feel funny. I was incredibly short tempered. I would get angry at the littlest things. My magic would react to my anger and I would wind up shattering a glass or making the lights flicker.
"My father seemed very pleased about all of this. He told me that at the rate we were going, I would be a completely normal boy by the end of the year. I screamed at him and said I had always been a normal boy. I broke every single flask in his office with that outburst. It pleased him further.
"When I went back to Hogwarts, the teasing started again, but I didn't mind because at least I didn't have to take those stupid potions anymore, or so I thought until I got called to the Hospital Wing at the end of the week. My father had given Madam Pomfrey - she was the nurse here before Madam Pillsbury - instructions to give me one potion a week. I was miserable. Then I met Tyler."
Blaine pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them. "I loved him so much, Kurt. He was my best friend. He was in third year, too. A Slytherin. And he was gay. The other Slytherin boys picked on him a lot. Much more than they did me. Tyler's bullying was similar to what happened to you." Blaine finally looked at Kurt. "I'm so sorry I belittled what happened to you. I didn't mean that. I was angry and it was stupid and insensitive."
Kurt knelt down next to Blaine and grabbed his hand. He wasn't going to say it was okay, because it wasn't, and Blaine didn't deserve to be lied to. "I forgive you," he said.
Blaine smiled a little sadly and continued. "Tyler and I never got together or anything. We were really young. Too young for that anyway. But it was nice to have someone else who understood. My father found out about it, he made my mother write me a letter and ask me to stop spending time with Tyler. I ignored the letter, of course. My father upped my dosage.
"By the end of the year I was taking his potion three times a week. Tyler was getting beat up about once a month, and teased every day. I was only being teased. I think my anger scared the others, especially when I made windows break. Nick and Jeff would always fix whatever I broke for me, so the teachers never knew. And the rest of the boys tried to stick close to me in the halls. Tyler stuck close to us, too, but there was nothing we could do to help him in the dorms. And then Chase started going after him. Remember I told you Chase liked to watch? Well, not with Tyler. I didn't know why at the time."
Blaine pulled his hand away from Kurt's. "The last week of school, I found Chase and Tyler near the Dungeons together. Tyler had asked me to meet him there because he had something to tell me. Chase had Tyler on the floor and he just kept punching him. Over and over. I had never been so angry. Not ever." Blaine's eyes looked empty. Kurt didn't dare touch him. "I pulled out my wand, pointed it at Chase and yelled the first thing that came to mind. It was the Cruciatus curse. It hit Tyler. Even after I realized my mistake and stopped the spell, he just kept screaming. He wouldn't stop. I still hear it sometimes," Blaine whispered. "His screaming..." Kurt could tell from Blaine's eyes that he was hearing it now. Blaine shuddered.
"Anyway, I passed out. We were both rushed to St. Mungos and both our parents were called. I was fine. Tyler was in critical condition. Apparently the spell had been magnified by either the potion in my system, or my anger, or whatever… It doesn't really matter why, I guess. We sat up all night, waiting. It was a Wednesday…"
Kurt's eyes widened. "Is that why? Every Wednesday night, when you can't sleep…?"
"Yes."
"What happened?" Kurt asked gently.
"The curse broke him mentally. He can't… he can't even talk. Or, I hear he doesn't. He just sits there..."
"And it's my fault," Blaine whispered. "I did that to him, Kurt."
Kurt stared at Blaine, at a loss for words. What could he possibly say? "Blaine…" Kurt reached out to touch him, knowing that would probably be a mistake, but unable to stop himself from trying.
Blaine jerked away. "What if I do that to you?" he yelled. "What if I fuck up and you're the one who's brain dead? I can't do that, Kurt! I can't!" A shuddering breath left Blaine's lips. "But I love you so much… I can't stay away from you. What kind of person does that make me? More than anything I just want you to love me, too."
Kurt put his hands on Blaine's knees. "I told you yesterday that I already do," he reminded Blaine gently.
Blaine sobbed. "Why?" He asked. "I wish you didn't."
"No, you don't."
Blaine's face crumpled. "You're right," he said brokenly. "I'm sorry."
Kurt sighed and put his forehead against Blaine's. Blaine didn't pull away. "It's okay, Blaine. You don't have to be sorry for wanting me to love you. I want you to love me, too."
Blaine clutched at either side of Kurt's head and tilted his face forward to kiss Kurt's lips. It was a quick kiss, with closed, dry lips, but it made Kurt feel warm. Blaine sobbed a little and kissed Kurt again, just as quickly. "I love you. I love you."
Kurt tried his damndest not to cry. "I love you, too, Blaine."
Blaine trembled. "Please. Can you look in the mirror again? I need to know…"
Kurt nodded that he would, but Blaine held on tight and wouldn't let him go. Kurt covered Blaine's hands with his own. "Blaine… You have to let me go, honey. I can't go look while you're holding me like that."
It took him a minute, but Blaine finally let go and Kurt stood up. As he walked to the mirror, Kurt felt his eyes tear up and he allowed the moisture to collect there for a few seconds before he blinked it away. He looked in the mirror. The image he saw was the same. Blaine started crying hard when Kurt told him so. Blaine's shoulders shook from the force of his upset.
Kurt didn't ask questions. He just wrapped his arms around Blaine and let him cry. Blaine held onto Kurt like his sanity depended on it. Kurt thought just maybe it did.
*************IMPORTANT A/N*************
By the next chapter, this story is going to have a different title. When I first started writing, I wasn't sure where I was going with it, so I tacked on the first thing I could think of as a title. I don't feel the title fits the story anymore, so I'm going to be changing it. I'll put 'formerly entitled Gleewarts' in the summery so you guys know which one it is. Or just look out for my pen-name (Cerez). I'm pretty sure the new title is going to be "Something (or maybe Someone) to Rely On."
And now back to my regularly scheduled end-of-chapter-rambling (you don't need to read this):
In case you're worried, NO, Blaine is NOT going to take back his 'I loves you's.' He said them, he meant them, and there's no going back.
This is me throwing you guys a bone: Obviously Blaine still has things to work out (Chase isn't going to just disappear), but Kurt is going to help him, and they are going to do it TOGETHER. I was just as tired of the whole no stings attached nonsense as you guys were.
So next chapter we see the rest of November, and the first part of December, as our boys start to explore a romantic relationship together. I'm really excited about December actually, because Blaine is going to be spending the break at Kurt's house, and there will be some surprise guests there. But that's all I'm going to say about that.
Like I said this chapter made me nervous, and I'd really appreciate feedback, positive or otherwise. Just please no flames, but constrictive criticism is always welcome.
Til next time,
Cerez