Calley had been lying awake for over an hour upstairs that evening, when a strange compulsion to get up came over her, just like it had the night before. At first, the blond woman was tempted to roll back over and keep fighting the losing battle with sleep, rather than deal with the odd feeling.

Really, Calley? You'd rather listen to Rebecca breathe for the next two hours, before you get yourself to drift off too? What exactly do you have to lose right now?

Calley rose as quietly as she could so not to disturb her room-mate, and stepped into her slippers to avoid the cold floor. When she went out into the hall, she immediately noticed a light coming from downstairs. The young woman hesitated for a few seconds at the top of the stairs, though she didn't understand why. She finally rested a firm hand on the banister, and forced herself to start moving.

Calley paused again at the bottom, still feeling extremely unsure and awkward in her own skin. She'd been standing there for close to a minute when a voice startled her, coming from behind the back of the recliner where she hadn't realized someone was sitting.

"You do have a remarkable sense of intuition, Calley-san."

From his position it didn't seem like he could have seen her either, but that didn't seem to detract from his knowledge.

"Was it you then?" she asked.

The rat peered his head around the side of the chair, and merely smiled at her.

"And last night?"

"Yes, Calley-san. I was hoping you would see fit to join me."

"How did you do that?"

"There are some who would ask how you felt it," he replied.

Calley already felt a little flustered under those dark eyes. "Well, I...that is...I don't know. I've always been sensitive somehow, too sensitive probably. Sometimes I think it's more of a curse than a blessing."

"You don't really believe that," Splinter said softly, and motioned for her to sit down.

"Why did you call me like that, Master Splinter?"

"I sensed you would have an easier time talking to me alone, without others in earshot."

"What do you need to say to me?" She was afraid to ask, but couldn't stop herself.

"Right now, I am more interested in what you have to say to me, Calley-san."

Calley laughed nervously, and fidgeted on the couch. "I've wanted to talk to you, but I'm also afraid to."

"Why is that, young one?"

Calley stared at the folded hands in her lap, before forcing herself to look at him. "I know you see through people - not just their appearances, but who they really are."

"And you are afraid for me to see you?"

"Extremely. Master Splinter, do you know my history? Do you have any idea of the things I've done?"

Splinter gave a short nod. "Your author thought that some background in your case would be beneficial. I know enough."

"Did she tell you that I abandoned my father? That I ran away with a Dago to join a gang? I did what any boy wanted me to, at any given time, whatever I had to do to get accepted. I got introduced to heroin, and it started out small. But it quickly got to the place where I couldn't feel the same fixes anymore, and I kept being forced to increase the amount I was using.

I was completely dependant on the gang to support me and my growing habit. My addiction, my need for the drug got out of control, until I didn't feel like I could live without it. I either manipulated or stole from practically everyone I knew. Around the time the Dagos had decided I'd worn out all my 'usefulness', they'd found an easy way to get rid of me, and make a profit."

Calley paused for a couple of beats, but steadily held his gaze. "They met some people at a Club, and they wanted me to meet them too. I was told I had to be on my best behavior, and if I hit it off with one of them, I wouldn't ever have to fight for what I wanted again. They didn't tell me what to expect going in; I didn't even know what to think of Shirou the first time we met. I didn't understand what this Asian boy saw in me, but I stayed with him that entire night at the Club. When it came time to close, he told me that I wasn't going back to the gang, that he'd chosen me. Someone wanted me? I could hardly believe it.

It all seemed too good to be true; those first few weeks were the stuff of dreams for me. He was kind and sensitive...and I never lacked for heroin. I didn't have to do any work or steal to get it - he just always had it waiting, like magic. Over the course of - maybe a month, it's hard to be certain, things changed. Kindness turned into demands, and gentleness turned into violence.

I finally came to understand that I was his property, not his love. His quarters became my prison cell, and for the following months, those four walls are all that I saw, outside of the random bathroom. He was terribly jealous of others being anywhere near me, and would fly into a rage because of the simplest of actions.

Time, events, memories, they all run together. I was so messed up on heroin, I had no idea what was real or imaginary most of the time. Shirou called himself Teishu, my Master, and I had to go along with anything he said, or there was hell to pay. And believe me - I paid. He would use me so brutally, I would still be in pain for days afterwards. I hated him, but I needed him. I needed the heroin - I couldn't even function without it by now. In the end, someone else had to die, just so I could escape him."

When Splinter cocked his head curiously, she sighed.

"I got pregnant, and Shirou wanted nothing of it. He would have found a way to kill the baby himself, but he decided that by taking my to a professional, they could sterilize me at the same time, so I'd never get pregnant again. That's where he was taking me, when a car ran a red-light and crashed into us. He was out cold, and I ran. The baby was already lost, though I didn't know it at the time. I was afraid to stop - I literally kept running until I collapsed."

Calley stopped again, feeling uncertain of how much Splinter had already been told of this. She decided to plunge ahead regardless.

"I was taken to a hospital, and my ID turned up in Missing Persons, which got me reunited with my father, Tim. I should have been ecstatic, should have felt remorseful, but all I could think about was heroin. The need for it eventually drove me to call Shirou, and tell him where I was. I tricked my father into getting me out of the hospital with the promise of going to rehab, and Shirou was waiting with several more of the Akiudo."

Calley's back hunched over suddenly, as she leaned against the coffee table for support. "They almost killed my father, all because of my need for that STUPID drug! I was so fixated and selfish, I couldn't understand I was only being set up."

She couldn't take her eyes off the floor now. "Master Splinter, I don't see myself ever living a normal life. My father loves me, he's told me he forgives me so many times. Your family accepted me right off the bat, and helped me get through all of the initial withdrawal hell and my own stupidity. I'm free of Shirou and the Akiudo. I'm free of heroin. But I'm not free of what I did. Leonardo says my past doesn't matter to him - but it does to me.

Your sons are special, Master Splinter - anyone who gets to know them can see that. I'll never be good enough for him; he deserves someone that can dwell on the same level he does. He has enough to deal with - it isn't fair for him to be forced to stoop to reach me! I don't want to let go of him, but I can't stand the thought of weighing him down for the rest of our lives either!"

The rat's expression was unshaken by the long speech, and he waited a few seconds longer before saying anything, as if wanting to make certain she was finished. "Calley-san, do you find my son to be intelligent? Do you consider him to be a good judge of character?"

"...Yes, but..."

"But what, young one? There is likely not much I can say that you haven't heard yet, but I am willing to try. You can acknowledge that Leonardo knows how to see through facades, to the true heart of someone. Calley-san, he loves you because he sees you, whereas you cannot stop looking back."

"I don't want to be this way, Master Splinter. I don't want to push him or anyone else away - but I'm not like the rest of them. We've all been through things, but no one's brought things upon themselves the way I did."

"While it is true that you made poor decisions in your past, it seems you are the only one incapable of forgiving yourself for them," Splinter pointed out. "What good is it doing, Calley-san? How much punishment will be enough, before you are absolved?"

"I've asked myself that, and there's no answer. That darkness is always going to be a part of me - I can't escape it."

"You choose not to escape it," he corrected.

Calley sighed heavily. "I would give anything to forget it, to erase it from my mind. But the nightmares, the flashbacks, and all the anxiety only make it harder."

"I believe your own forgiveness would have an impact on those areas as well, Calley-san. It is not a matter of forgetting those events, or even putting them completely out of your mind. That would be impossible to do, and you should not expect to be able to. The energy you are currently devoting to self resentment is exhausting, is it not? For every ounce of effort that goes into loathing, you are robbing yourself of the power you need to continue your transformation.

You need to understand that forgiveness is not a means of justifying what you've done, and it is not a feeling that will finally come to you one day. It is a choice you have to make, that requires courage and strength. One that will give you the opportunity to overcome, instead of remaining the victim of your own hatred.

The sad truth is this is not only about you, koishii. Your unforgiveness has a wide circle of influence on those around you, those closest to you. If you choose to remain miserable, you are also doing a disservice to all who love you. You will continue to close your heart off more and more, until you eventually push everyone away. Do you want to do that to your father? Do you wish to hurt my oldest son?"

"No," she whispered. "I don't want to hurt anyone, I want to be free from this, but..." Calley hesitated, and held her breath for a moment to steady emotion. "Leo once told me that forgiveness isn't a feeling, too. I was holding onto a lot of anger over my Mom's abandonment. I'll never understand why it was so much easier to forgive her, than it is myself."

"We often hold ourselves to a higher standard than we are willing to require of others. This will not be a simple act for you. One day you may actually believe that you have let go of it entirely, only for it to rear up again the very next. In times like that, you must remind yourself that forgiveness is a choice. And there's something else, that you must never forget."

"What's that?"

"Leonardo chose you. That alone should speak volumes."

Calley shook her head as she stifled a partial sob. "I don't know why he chose me!"

She was surprised when Splinter smiled, and then got up to sit by her on the couch. With the gentlest of motions, he brushed blond bangs from her forehead.

"Because you are special, Calley-san. You have amazing gifts inside of you - but more importantly, you have a good heart. My son would not be swayed by pity in this matter, and he would not give his heart to someone who was not worth it."

Calley cringed with his last words. "Do you know how long it's been, since I've really believed I was worth anything?"

"Young one, your past does not have to define you, nor does it dictate who you are. Your value as a person reaches much deeper than that. As you forgive yourself, that much will become clearer to you."

"Do you actually see that in me?"

"I see what is," he said firmly. "You have such a beautiful spirit, along with unique talents that make you well suited for my oldest son. You are exactly what he needs, if you will allow yourself to be."

Calley had the urge to bury herself in the rat's robe, but awkwardness made her hold back from clutching the revered figure beside her. Splinter smiled in an encouraging way, and had to reach for her first. She hesitated for another second, before allowing him to embrace her. When he guided her chin toward him, she was surprised by the tears in his eyes.

"You have much to offer this clan, Calley-san. You must begin to see yourself in the light of the unique challenges that you face. Leonardo shoulders a heavy burden, which his brothers are only partially able to relieve. You can be of much greater support to him than you realize. You can help him...but it means making peace with yourself first."