Warnings – Self Injury references, including burning.
Disclaimer – Even though it has been a while since I have written, nothing has changed and they still belong to Maki Murakami.
I raised my hand to shield my eyes from the brightness of the sun as I descended the steps of our tour bus. Part of me had hoped desperately that the novelist might have been there to meet us... To meet me. But as we pulled into an desolate parking lot besides the NG corporate building there was only a few of the studio staff to presumably help with unloading, and the odd few cars. Though to be fair it was probably only because Yuki was too busy and had another deadline to meet. He might be drunk somewhere. Or maybe it's because he has found someone else to fuck. I couldn't help but notice that Tohma Seguchi was no where in sight either.
The three month tour had taken us through to the middle of a blistering hot summer. The heat wave making me sweat through the black long sleeved shirt I had put on that morning, I had learned that light colours show up any blood that may have seeped out beneath bandages and gauze. They also would cling to your flesh with sweat and make things more noticeable, if you catch my drift.
The coach had blissful air-conditioning but now the temperature outside sweltered in the high twenties. You could almost see the air ripple above the tarmac around us, almost looking as though it was a mirage. At least in the winter I had had an excuse to cover myself but my new attire had only attracted puzzled and worried questions. The magazines eventually hinting that I had something to hide.
"SHU-CHANNNNNNNNNNN!"
A man sized pink rabbit clutched onto my waist tightly and I looked down to meet deep amethyst eyes framed by chocolate bangs. "I missed you Shu-chan!"
"Well were all back now. And I missed you too Sakuma-san." I smiled. The truth was that I had missed the crazy pop star. He was a thankful distraction at times and he had never acted weird around me when the others had recently been giving me a wide berth, careful of upsetting me lest I do something silly. They thought it would be more drinking but the reality of it was much worse.
The singer pouted at me tears welling in the corners of his eyes. "And Kumagoro too?" He held out his small furry pink companion towards me and I petted it fondly.
"Kumagoro too, of course!"
He smiled deviously before standing and wrapping his arms around me in a hug. I let the older mans warmth envelop me, breathing in his scent of strawberries and somehow the hugs he gave me always made me feel safe. The same as mine, I had always imitated the man before me, starting with similar hair right down to the same shampoo.
"You look thin Shu. Has K been working you too hard?" He said as he pulled away looking me over, concern flashing in the eyes shaded by his hair. Just before we had left Tokyo, Ryuichi had been asking things, the sort of things that implied just like Hiro he thought I was suffering from... something. Though he knew little of Yuki's behavior towards me. Is suffering the right word? I've never been quiet sure. Is it a disease that plagues my soul or just the consequences of emotions? At least a disease is something I have no control over, though it sounds more permanent and serious. But it is something to blame I suppose. Cutting is just a symptom.
"I'm fine," I lied, plastering a fake grin to my face. The grin I had worn so many times to hide my true feelings. I had gotten used to it and somehow it now felt like protection. As long as I didn't let it falter then everything would be alright. "You know what touring is like. All you ever do is sing and party!"
"And drive us insane!" Came Hiro's voice behind me. His bag slung effortlessly over and shoulder and his acoustic guitar case clutched in his other hand. His shirt like mine already sticking to his glistening flesh, I couldn't help but stare. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks as I watched him. His hair pushed away from his gorgeous face by his sun glasses.
"Have you any idea just how annoying you can be at times Shu." He smirked, nodding a greeting at the Nittle Grapser singer. Pretending of course that nothing was amiss. And for all people knew or cared for it wasn't. He was getting quiet good at pretending nothing was wrong.
Playfully I stuck my tongue out at him before snapping it back in and chewing on it hard. You annoying little Brat! Words from another time echoed in my mind and I tried to force them back though they had already bitten me.
"I swear Shuichi, when you drink the whole world suffers." He mocked me, giving a gentle nudge with his elbow.
When we had the occasional lapse between shows the five of us would go out for the occasional drink, companionship and a search for fun away from the glaring eye of K or Sakano. I hadn't drank that much at first, though I have always known I couldn't handle my alcohol but slowly over time I had found the the sting of stronger drinks, Sambuca and Jagermeister being my favorites, would cloud my world, making me forget my worries and slowly I had started to drink more and more. Letting the heat wash over me and into my soul. K of course hated it and would torment us the next day when we would all wake up hung over.
I remember little of what actually happened on those nights. It was mainly a blur thankfully but I remember dancing. I remember singing. I remember Fujisaki trying to keep up with me so much that he vomited all over the place and most of all... I remember Hiro.
I shrugged off the sting of my guitarists words before turning to gather my bags. And more importantly my blades. Fumbling I picked them up from the underneath storage area before throwing one of them, like Hiro had, across one of my shoulders. Dammit! It just happened to be the one shoulder where I had 'accidentally on purpose' burnt myself with a cigarette stub.
Damn my stupidity. I had found the stub still smoldering in one of the band prep rooms backstage at some venue, I don't remember which or why it was there. I had had a few pre-concert shots, just to calm the nerves of course but they hadn't helped. My blades had been tucked away inside the bus and I needed them now. Wearing at the time a tight fitting shirt I couldn't roll a sleeve up without too much effort so I had pushed the top slightly down over my left shoulder to expose as much flesh as I could. And then I pressed the smoking embers against my skin. It felt good at the time, stinging and calming at the same time. Its hard to explain. But it had worked. The constant pressure of my performance outfit pressing hard and reassuring. I couldn't help but think how satisfying it would be to take one of the many cigarettes that Yuki smoked and do the same with them.
Over the days that followed the burn had blistered and eventually burst, seeping puss and blood down down my arm and chest. I had always cleaned and tended to my cuts, though I had never had to deal with a burn before. And never one that was so obviously infected either and it had scared me. But as soon as Hiro found out he had kissed me gently. Before going to work cleaning and wrapping it. His hands deft, kind and unjudging. He didn't ask why I had done it. Of course he never did. All he cared about was holding me close to him. And that night we had slept together on his single bunk, not caring for the opinions of the others. Him spooning me from behind. A long slender arm draped over my waist and his face nuzzled in my hair.
My shoulder now ached and the crusty flesh was tender to the touch and to movement. The pressure of my bag opening it underneath the fresh gauze from the morning. I winced, trying my hardest not to drop it but a hand on my back made me pause and I let the bag be taken by the Nittle Grasper singer. "Come on I'll give you a lift home Shuichi. I need to talk to you."
I looked over his shoulder to meet hazel Hiro's eyes but he only met mine sadly and nodded.
The singer changed gears as confidently as he held a microphone. Driving was the only thing he loved perhaps even more than singing. He had control of something for once in his life, in this case a UK imported Ford Puma in black, his pride and joy once he had begged Seguchi to allow him to have it. He claimed that driving was safer than being chauffeured around by K-San and eventually the NG president had given in, knowing full well that it was probably true. Though he had given Ryu a child's booster seat for Kumagoro that now sat on the in the back. Pink bunny safely strapped in.
"You don't have to worry Shu. Nakano-san didn't tell me." Ryuichi's voice clawed me back to reality. I had been so absorbed in the music on the radio and mindlessly staring out of the passenger window that I almost forgot he was there. Just another taxi driver.
"Worry about what? I have no idea what you mean." Blood began to ooze from a cut on the inside of my mouth that I bit into suddenly. He couldn't know... Could he? Even if Hiro hadn't told him, I had always been so obsessed with hiding 'it'. The sleeves, the smiles... Oh god. I hadn't told anyone when I had been drinking, had I? No... I'm sure I didn't.
Out of a nervous habit I clenched my fists, trying my hardest to dig my nails into my palms. This could not be happening.
He rolled his huge amethyst eyes that glistened with worry and sadness, though I refused to meet them . "You're exactly the same as how I used to be," came a whisper and what I may have been a sob caught in his throat. "Over the last few years I managed to cut down drastically. Ha! 'Cut' down pretty funny right..."
Suddenly I had to be anywhere but here. My skin crawled and my burn throbbed. No... I eyed the door handle as discretely as I could as we pulled to a halt behind the car in front that had stopped at the lights.
"Bipolar Depression though..." He sighed. "Its not fun. That niggling thought in your head, worrying about when you will next 'relapse'. Of course the cutting helps when you do... That and having some one to talk to, even if it is a stuffed rabbit..." His left hand moved away from the gear lever and gently caressed his thigh before a honk of another cars horn pulled him back to his senses and he pulled away from the junction. Tears were glistening over his eyes though he refused to let them fall.
We didn't talk for the rest of the trip and I was grateful as we pulled up in front of Yuki's block of flats, posh cars all lining the drives. Ryuichi's words kept replaying in my mind over and over again.
The singer helped me with my bags. And I was careful of my shoulder as threw the bag up onto the unburnt one. I smiled and quietly thanked him before turning to the door panel. Trying my hardest to ignore him. To pretend that nothing had been said in the car. All he was doing was offering work colleague a lift home.
"Shu... I..."
"I'm fine..."
A hand grasped my wrist firmly as I went to pull my keys from my pocket. "Shuichi..." He moved pressing his body against mine. His free hand cupping my chin making me meet his beautiful amethyst eyes.
I could hear my heart beating in my ears. My skin felt like it was on fire but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't pull away. All I could do was stare into those gorgeous orbs. Drowning in deep swirling pools of violet. Everything forgotten.
His lips pressed gently against mine, enveloping me in a kiss that tasted of strawberry Pocky. "Shuichi..." He murmured as I parted my lips allowing him inside me. His tongue flicked against mine slowly and I could hear myself moaning. What was I doing?
His hand moved from my wrist and snaked around my waist pulling me closer to him. And the next thing I knew I was dropping my bag and wrapping my arms around him in return. My eyes closing as I experienced something I thought I would never feel again.
My hands tangled in his hair, pulling his head down to meet mine as I deepened the kiss becoming bolder and thrusting my tongue inside his own mouth boldly. This time he moaned and my eyes opened to be met with those purple eyes... No they should have been hazel. Hazel with flecks of gold, hidden beneath blonde hair not brown.
"Sakuma-san... Ryu... I can't do this... I can't..."
Ehem... Okay even I wasn't expecting that. Did I actually just write that. Completely ran with that. Originally it was just going to be a taxi drive, then it turned into a Ryu drive and now this. I feel naughty. Guess that was a surprise for both of us!
Anyway here I am again after a couple of months. And you know what that means. I'm in a 'life slump' to put it gently, if you catch my drift. Bad for me and good for you I guess. I know exactly what I am going to write next but I think I need some sleep.
Before I go... The car... The Ford Puma in black. Awesome little car, little pocket rocket. My pride and joy.
Please Read and Review. It helps me get through this.