JACKSON
My mouth goes dry as April looks at me with huge eyes and pallid skin.
"You're crazy," she says.
I am. I am fucking crazy. But this is something that I really want to do. For her, for Alaina, and for myself too.
"Maybe," I say, the sun shining down on us suddenly feeling way too hot even though it's close to November. "But I don't wanna take it back."
She just keeps staring at me, saying nothing. I'm dying to know what's going on inside her head, but I can't read the expression on her face.
"I-I can't," she stammers, staring down at her lap. "I appreciate the gesture. I really, really do… but Jackson, that's just not realistic."
I wet my lips. "How? Why not?" I ask.
Her eyes flick back up to mine. "You can't just… you can't just ask me to marry you!" she says. "It doesn't work like that."
Her eyes are glistening and swimming with emotion. I know what I did was huge and sudden - we haven't even exchanged 'I love yous' yet. But I don't regret suggesting it, and I definitely don't want to take it back now. "This isn't a normal situation," I say. "It's not regular circumstances." She turns to look at me and worries her bottom lip with her teeth. "Rachael said it herself. The fact that you're an overworked, single mom gives them an advantage over you. So let's take that away from them."
She lets out a trembling sigh and clutches her knees, running the thin fabric between her fingers. She's silent for a long time and I want to tear my eyes away from her, but I can't.
"I don't know," she finally says.
I look straight ahead.
"I get what you're saying," she says. "I do. But it's just… so much. That's asking you to do so much."
"You didn't ask me to do a thing," I say. "It was my idea."
"I-I know," she says. "But I brought you into this situation. This is all stemming from me. You didn't ask for any of this, and if we get married…." She shakes her head. "I couldn't live with myself."
"You're not giving me enough credit," I insist. "I'm asking for this. I'm asking you to just let me help you, let me in. I realize that the last guy in your life completely fucked you over, but I'm not him. I'm not gonna do that to you." I search her face, and she meets my eyes reluctantly. "Do you trust me?"
"Of course I trust you," she says, wringing her hands. "But this isn't like you asking me to prom, or even to date, this is marriage, Jackson. It's sacred and important… this is huge. It's not some small, little thing."
"I realize that."
"Do you?" she probes.
I nod. I can hold my own against her, even as she tries to push me away. I won't let her do that. "I meant what I said, April," I say. "You don't have to answer right now. Take some time to think about it. If you need space, I get it. That's okay."
She stares down at the ground and kicks a small rock away with the toe of her shoe. "Okay," she murmurs, then looks at the delicate watch on her wrist. "You'll have to get back to school soon."
We don't talk all of Thursday, but I don't freak out over it. I know April needs time and space to think, and she has other big things on her mind, too. The next hearing date isn't until after Christmas, so there isn't any imminent pressure, but I'm sure it still weighs on her. If it's still weighing on me, it's definitely on her, too.
Friday is Halloween. When I get to the school, I discover that I'm on crossing guard duty again due to the absence of Cecelia, and I shrug on the highlighter-yellow vest and stand at my post as all the kids get out of their parents' cars. There will be a costume parade later, and I can see that some of them are wearing parts of their outfits already. I greet each of them warmly, comment on their clothes, and get them inside the school safely.
It's not until the warning bell rings that April and Alaina pull up. Alaina gives me an excited wave and runs inside, and April lingers a few feet away from me. "Happy Halloween," she says, a bit lacklusterly.
"Right back 'atcha," I say.
"Lainey's dressing up as Tiana tonight, you know," April says.
"I'm aware," I say with a smile. "She's very proud."
She chuckles, then sighs. "She wants you to come over later," she says. "She said you told her you'd do her makeup."
It dawns on me that I had promised Alaina that I'd do my best with her makeup for tonight. I know my way around costume makeup thanks to my cousin, who was always forcing me to play princess with her even when I got too old. Even if Alaina's face doesn't turn out that great, I know it'll be fun.
"It's up to you," I tell her. "I'd still love to come, if you'll have me. I don't have any Halloween plans - at least, not yet. If I tell Mark I'm free, he'll probably take me to some Halloween party from hell."
April giggles. "Doesn't he have Sofia?"
I shake my head. "Callie and Arizona really like trick-or-treating. Mark likes booze."
She nods knowingly. "Makes sense." Her eyes skim up my body before landing on my face, and she says, "Yeah, come over."
"Yeah?"
She nods. "Yeah. Just come over after I get her from after-school. It'll be perfect timing to go around trick-or-treating."
I can't help but smile. "Sounds good," I say.
April gets back into her car and I watch her leave, wondering what kind of injuries she'll have to deal with today. I don't get to wonder for long, though, because the final bell rings and I have to make my way inside, shed my vest, and start my day.
Holidays are always fun in elementary school. They keep the kids in good moods and the Halloween costume parade goes off without a hitch. Not wanting to dirty her Tiana dress for later, Alaina dug out one of April's old lab coats and put it on over her clothes, dressing up as a doctor even as it trails on the ground behind her.
I can barely handle it. This kid is the cutest.
When April comes to pick Alaina up, Alaina is practically bouncing with excitement. "Trick-or-treating! Trick-or-treating!" she chants. "Jacks- uh, Mr. Avery, you're coming over to my house to put my makeup on, right? Are you still coming?"
She's the last one to be picked up, so I'm gathering my things to shut down this place for the weekend. "I'm gonna be right behind you guys," I say. "You lead the way."
Alaina breaks her hand from April's as the three of us walk out to the parking lot and falls back to walk with me. Effortlessly, she tucks her hand into mine and looks up at me with a sparkling smile that she gets from her mother. "Mommy, can I ride with Jackson?" she asks.
April looks back at us over her shoulder. "You're gonna leave me all alone in the car?" she asks, pretending to be hurt.
"Please, mommy?" Alaina asks.
"Sure," April gives in. "Let's get your booster and put it in his car. Safety first."
Alaina gets herself buckled in and April raises her eyebrows at me once her daughter is settled in my back seat. "You're stealing my kid away from me," she jokes.
"Guess I'm just cooler than you," I say, shrugging. "Ready to get going, Laina?" I ask.
"Yeah, yeah!" she cheers, and I walk around to the front and get in.
"Meet you at home," April says, and goes to get in her own car.
When we get to their house in Wicker Park, Alaina hurries out of the car and runs to the front door. "I don't want it to be dark out when we go!" she insists. "Can we hurry? Please, please, please?"
April unlocks the door and Alaina blusters inside. "You run upstairs and bring your dress down," April says. "Jackson will get the makeup ready." She looks at me curiously as Alaina loudly tromps up the stairs. "Do you seriously know how to do makeup?" she asks.
"I'm not bad," I say.
"I'll be the judge of that," she says. "Don't make my child go out looking like a hooker."
"Aw, damn. That was my goal," I say, and she rolls her eyes with a smile.
I can feel April's eyes on the two of us as I swipe tiny brushes over Alaina's eyelids to give her Tiana's look. There's an inspiration picture open on April's phone that I keep looking at, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job with using greens, yellows, and silvers, and I give her a pretty pink lipstick, too. When I'm done with her face, April ties her daughter's hair up in a twisted bun with little tendrils hanging down - something I could never dream of doing.
"I don't know how you do that," I say.
"Surgical hands," she says. "After I had a girl, I knew they'd be put to some pretty different use."
I smile.
"And anyway, you did her makeup… amazingly. I couldn't have done that, not in a million years."
"That's why I wanted him!" Alaina says, holding impressively still while April sprays hairspray atop her head.
April holds heavy eye contact with me. "You made a good choice, baby," she says. "Now, get your dress on and let's hit the streets."
Alaina leads the way to every house with their porch light on. It doesn't take long after our trek begins that April reaches over and threads her fingers through mine, looking up at me with a sweet expression on her face as Alaina knocks on a neighbor's door.
"What?" I ask, squeezing her hand.
"I'll marry you," she whispers.
I stop walking. Her words stop me dead in my tracks. "Wha… what, you will?"
She nods and kisses me sweetly on the cheek.
"What made you change your mind?" I ask.
We keep walking, now she's holding my hand with both of hers. "Seeing you with Lainey," she says. "You're so selfless. You're an amazing person. And yeah, we don't know each other that well, but… I really, really appreciate what you're doing for us. And I'm all in with you."
I wind my arm around her shoulders instead of holding her hand and kiss the top of her head. "Me, too," I say.
Interrupting us, Alaina trots down a house's steps and showcases her candy bag. "Look! Mommy, Da-"
Her face blanches as she realizes what she almost said. She looks from April to me with wide, worried eyes. Her little fingers' grip on her bag tightens, but April switches her mindset quickly.
"Let's see what you got, honeybee!" she says, kneeling down to her daughter's level. "Oh, you got a Reese's. You know those are my favorite. I might have to steal that from you."
Alaina giggles and swipes her bag away. "I'm only sharing a little," she says.
"Alright, let's see what else you can get," April says. "I think I see this house's light on!"
After Alaina's bag is nearly full and she's close to collapsing from exhaustion, we make our way home. I carry the candy bag and April carries Princess Tiana, arms situated under her butt as she rests her chin over her mother's shoulder.
I stay downstairs while they do the bedtime routine, and April comes down a little while later. "She was falling asleep while I was washing the makeup off her face," she giggles. "She had such a good night."
"I'm glad," I say. "You should see some of the stuff she got. She hit the jackpot."
"You can have some, if you want," she says.
"No, I couldn't," I say. "I don't wanna steal from her."
She laughs and plucks out a Reese's peanut butter cup. "Speak for yourself."
I stand across the kitchen island from her, and am about to speak before she beats me to it.
"So when do you want to do it?" she asks. "Get married."
Hearing those words make my gut do something funny. "I… I don't know," I say. "When were you thinking?"
"Soon."
"Yeah, me too," I say.
She crumples up the Reese's wrapper. "Tomorrow?" she suggests. "After the game. If Mark will have Alaina, maybe she can hang out with them for the day and we can go to the courthouse."
I didn't know she meant thatsoon, but I'm up for it. The sooner the better. "That sounds good to me," I say.
As we lie in bed a little later that night, I know she's awake but neither of us are speaking. The house is so silent that I can hear the big clock on the wall downstairs ticking, and it's unnerving.
"Are you okay?" I ask, my voice cutting through the darkness.
"Yeah," she says. "Just thinking."
"Yeah."
"Are you nervous?" she asks, and I feel the bed shift as she turns on her side to face me.
"No," I say, but then take it back. "Yeah. A little."
"Me, too," she admits, then reaches out to stroke my cheek. "We don't have to do it, you know, if-"
"No, I want to do it," I say, looking at her.
"Okay," she says softly.
I extend my arm for her, and she presses herself against my side just the way I like her. I squeeze her close and turn on my side so we're chest-to-chest, and kiss her forehead as I close my eyes to try and fall asleep.
After April asks Mark to take Alaina for another Saturday, he agrees and finds his way to me. "Avery, your woman seems pretty eager to spend some time with you," he says. "Last time she would barely let me take the kid. Now she can't wait to get you alone again."
"Shut up," I say.
"What do you guys have planned?" he asks.
I wouldn't dream of telling him. He'd make a huge deal out of it and he wouldn't understand. At this point, I'm not sure if anyone would understand, so we've decided to keep it to ourselves. "Just a date," I say.
"Nice," he replies. "Where to this time?"
I scramble for something to say, but I can't come up with a lie in time. "I, uh, I'm not sure yet," I say.
"You don't have it all planned out?" he asks. "Come on, you can do better than that."
"I'll think of something," I say, rubbing my hand along the back of my neck.
"I bet you're just happy to get some time alone with her," he says, wiggling his eyebrows.
"It's not like that," I say.
"Hey, Jackson," Arizona says, sauntering over. "Heard we get Alaina tonight. Is it date night for you and April?"
"The man doesn't even know where he's taking her yet," Mark says out of the corner of his mouth.
Arizona laughs. "Probably to the bedroom. He can't stay away from April's neck, you should see those hickies."
Mark guffaws. "That is my boy!" he says, clapping me on the back.
"April, come here!" Arizona calls, and April turns to look towards us with her red hair fluttering in the wind coming off the lake.
"No - you guys, don't," I say. "Come on."
"What's up?" April asks, holding a dirty soccer ball under her arm.
Mark nods and smiles knowingly. "Yep, I see what you mean."
"You guys..." I grumble.
"What?" April asks, the tone of her voice more on-edge.
"They're gross and obsessed with our sex life," I say. "Arizona told Mark about the-"
"You two are like horny high-schoolers!" Mark says, almost triumphantly. "I love it. Move your hair, Kepner. Let's see the rest. I wanna see what my boy can do."
"God, no!" April says, and flips Mark off playfully. "You guys are awful. Leave us alone."
"That's what I said," I mutter.
"Oh, come on, don't get all prude now," Mark says. "Me and AZ were just shaming Jackson because he doesn't know where he's taking you out. That's no way to treat a lady."
April and I make eye contact for a brief second, but nothing goes unnoticed by the two we're conversing with. "They totally know what's going on tonight," Arizona says. "They just don't wanna tell us." She lets out a long sigh. "It's fine. Let 'em be kids."
Mark chuckles darkly. "Remember, Avery. Wrap it before you tap it."
"God, shut up," I practically beg.
When the game ends, my stomach is jumping. We'd called this morning and applied for the marriage license, and they're putting our information through until we can make it there later today. This is real. In just a few hours, I'm actually going to be married to the beautiful woman who I can't take my eyes off of as she leans forward in her chair and packs Alaina's stray things into her bag.
"Mommy, can I have a sleepover?" Alaina asks, walking between the two of us and Mark and his crew.
April looks up at Mark. "Just depends on what Sofia's daddy thinks," she says. "And her mommies."
"Sure, why not," Callie says. "What's one more mouth to feed around our house? It'll be fun."
"Yay!" Alaina cheers.
Mark starts laughing as he socks me in the shoulder. "I wonder what Mommy and Jackson will do when you're not at home," he says lasciviously. "Hopefully they'll find something."
"They're gonna be so bored," Alaina says. "But I don't care! Sleepover, sleepover, sleepover!"
April kisses her daughter goodbye as she helps her into Mark's SUV, and then waves to the lot of them as they pull away. She climbs in the passenger's seat of my car, stares ahead for a beat, then looks over to me. "You ready?" she asks.
I put the car in reverse and drive back to her house, where she'll get changed out of her dirty soccer clothes, then we have to stop at by my place so I can do the same. I wait in the car, and when she comes out, she's pulling her jacket over a dark purple dress.
"You look great," I say, leaning over and kissing her cheek as she gets in.
"Thanks," she says, sounding a bit breathless.
I put on a gray button-up shirt and a pair of dark-wash jeans. April comes in with me and watches me do up my buttons in the mirror downstairs. I find myself unbearably nervous - so much so that my hands are trembling and I can't focus on which button goes in which hole.
"Here, honey," she says under her breath, walking over to me. She turns me towards her by my shoulders, undoes all the wrong buttons, and redoes them up again - going slowly. Once she reaches the top, I take her hands and kiss her fingertips, and she leans into me.
"I'm happy we're doing this," she says, resting her head against my chest. "I'm happy."
"Me, too," I say, resting a hand on the small of her back. "I kinda can't believe it, though, either."
She giggles. "I know."
At the courthouse, we stand in front of a justice of the peace and listen to him marry us. We don't have vows prepared or anything like that, so it goes reasonably fast. We just have to present our driver's licenses, birth certificates and social security cards, and it's that easy.
After the legality of it is over, I take April by her elbows as she looks at me with twinkling eyes. "You may now kiss," the justice says, and I take her face in my hands to kiss her with all I've got.
We just got married.
Later that night, we tumble through her front door clumsily, kissing and groping with our hands all over each other. I smile against her mouth as she trips over one of Alaina's rubber rain boots, and hold onto her arms for support. "Careful," I murmur, pulling her coat down her arms.
She kicks the boot off to the side and tosses her coat on the stairs before ridding me of mine, too. We make it over to the couch in the front room, where I cover her body with my own and continue to kiss the life out of her.
"Oh, my god, Jackson," she breathes, her hands flat on my chest as I bend to kiss her neck. "Oh, god, right there."
"Whatever you say, wife," I murmur, opening my mouth on the spot below her jaw that makes her go insane.
I expect her to respond with something quippy, but she doesn't. I push it out of my mind and pull her shirt off over her head, peppering her shoulders with kisses as I go, then slide her bra strap down her arm so I have full access to her warm, freckled skin.
I dig my teeth into the soft spot at the crook of her neck, and she takes a sharp breath in. I smile against her and skim my hand over her stomach to rest on her hip. "I think my wife likes it when I bite her," I growl.
I expected her to react positively, but she doesn't. She pulls back from me and holds me at arm's length, looking at me with her eyebrows set low and a serious look on her face. "Would you stop?" she says. "You're not taking this seriously."
I pause for a moment, then let a smile sneak onto my face. "April, I'm happy about this," I say. "Not the circumstances, obviously, but still. You married me. That's insane. That makes me insanely happy." The look on her face lifts from serious to something lighter. "I'm so serious about this," I continue. "I'll do everything I can to be the best husband I can be for you. Even if it's just on paper, even if later you decide that this is too much and you wanna split… I'm just so grateful that you said yes."
She studies me for a long time, then holds my face in her hands to give me a soft kiss that turns more powerful as the moments pass. One hand leaves my face eventually and trails a path down between my legs, where it brushes over the bulge in the crotch of my pants.
I jolt towards her, eyes snapping open. "Hey, hey," I say. "What about the ban?"
She giggles and tightens her fingers. "Well, we have to consummate our marriage, don't we?"
I smile into her neck and lift her up off the couch, which makes her squeal. I hold her with one arm under her knees and the other behind her shoulders, looking right into her face. "This is the only proper way," I say. "To bring my bride to the bedroom."
"Be careful on the stairs!" she says, trying to watch where I walk. We laugh all the way to the second floor, and I deposit her on the bed ceremoniously.
"There," I say. "I officially carried you over the threshold."
"I feared for my life a little bit," she giggles. "Come here. It's been way too long."
I strip off my shirt and join her on the bed, kissing her on whatever open skin I can reach. With my lips all over her, she works on removing her pants. As soon as her jeans are on the floor, my hand finds its way between her legs to discover that there's already a damp patch on her underwear.
I run my fingers teasingly over it and she twitches in response, pulling her lower lip into her mouth. "Don't be an ass," she mutters.
"This sex ban has been going on for quite a while," I say. "I can wait a little longer." I snap the waistband of her underwear and say, "Can't you?"
"I'm gonna kill you," she says, sitting up with her knees underneath her body. She shoves me down on the mattress and yanks my jeans down my legs, throwing them to the floor afterwards. My boxers come next, and she doesn't even bother with taking them all the way off of me before straddling my hips and lowering herself down onto me.
"Jesus Christ," I moan, holding her waist firmly as she rocks back and forth.
"God, I missed you," she says, flattening her torso against mine. She aggressively bites my collarbone and sucks the skin into her mouth - then does the same in a path up my neck. I can barely feel the pain of it, though - the feeling of her wrapped around me is much too distracting.
I flip us over a few minutes later and hitch her leg over my shoulder, thrusting into her as deep as I can. She throws her head back with her mouth hanging open and grapples at my neck, digging her fingers in with each pump of my hips. "Harder," she breathes, and I do as she says. Her eyes fly open as she whimpers desperately, and she smacks my shoulder over and over again. "Right there, right there, right there," she mutters, and I steal the words from her mouth as I press my lips to hers.
I come inside her while she's orgasming, and collapse on top of her once we're both finished and breathing heavily. She wraps her arms tight around the broad expanse of my back and leaves kisses from my shoulder all the way to my face, where she nibbles on my earlobe and laughs lightly right where I can hear her.
"Do you want to take a bath with your wife?" she asks, making her voice low and raspy.
The blood rushes to my groin all over again. I haven't taken a bath since I was a kid, but there's no way in hell I'm going to turn down one with the most beautiful woman I've ever set eyes on.
She leads the way into the bathroom after putting on a green silk robe, and as the water fills up the tub I play with the belt tied around the middle. She smacks my hand away, but wraps her arms around my waist and kisses my neck as I unapologetically grope her ass - taking generous handfuls of it as I pull her hips flush against my own.
"You're already hard again…?" she trails off, brushing her fingers over my erection.
"I feel like a teenager," I say, smacking her ass lightly. She laughs into my mouth. "Don't you?"
She shakes her head. "When I was a teenager, the only boy I was allowed to think about was Jesus," she whispers.
"Hmm… did you smash or pass?" I ask, smiling at my own joke.
"What?"
"Never mind," I say, then look to the tub to see that the water's high enough to get in. "I'm getting in here," I say, and sink down into the hot water. I look up at her where she stands, insanely beautiful in that soft robe, and beckon her to join me. "Come on, baby," I say. "I'm lonely."
She unties the belt and lets the robe fall to the ground, making sure two fluffy towels are set on the counter for us when we're done. She looks down at me up to my neck in bubbles and giggles with her arms crossed over her chest and her knees pressed together. "I don't know if there's enough room," she says. "I'll crush you."
"I want you to crush me," I say. "Plus you weigh, like, a pound. Get in here."
"Okay…" she says, sticking in one foot at a time. The water rises as she lowers the rest of her body in, but only a little bit splashes over the side. She sits down with her back against my chest, and I wrap my arms around her chest to cup her shoulders in each hand and kiss the back of her done-up hair. I move my lips from her head to the side of her neck, and she arches it to one side to give me a little more leverage, and as she does that I slip one hand between her thighs and stroke her skin with my fingers.
She widens her legs for me and I bite on the slope of her shoulder as I push inside her. I go in as deep as I can from the angle I'm at, and can hear her breath leaving her in ragged gusts as she drops her head to rest the back of it against my shoulder. "You like that?" I whisper, right into her ear.
She nods, and I use my other hand to cup her breast lightly and skim over the nipple with my thumb.
"Does that feel good?" I ask.
She nods again, and I move my fingers in just the way that I know she likes. When I do that, she whimpers and pushes her back harder against me as she tries to widen her knees further, but the area of the tub prevents her from doing so.
"Don't worry," I say. "I got you."
I stand and shake my head at her confused expression as I lift her to sit on the lip of the tub, with only her feet in the water. I spread her legs again and open my mouth against her center, attempting to hold her in place with my hands on her hips as she squirms above me. It doesn't take long for me to get her to come, and when it happens she digs her heels into my shoulders and slaps the granite counter that I set her on, lying back on its cold surface once she's finished.
"Holy…" she pants, stomach moving in and out dramatically.
"Come back," I say. I slink back down into the water and she sits forward on my lap now, her elbows straight over my shoulders. I look at her face with amazement and curl a bit of her hair behind her ear, kissing the apple of her cheek as I do.
"You're looking at me in that way again," she says, smoothing her thumb over my eyebrow.
"What way?"
She shrugs, thumbs on the front of my neck with her hands wrapped around the sides. "I don't know."
I smile softly and lean forward to kiss her jaw and the skin under it. "Can I tell you something?" I whisper, one hand sliding down her back.
"Of course," she says, massaging my shoulders fluidly.
It needs to come out. I'm so overcome with this feeling that I can't see straight, and if I keep it in I think I'll go crazy. If she doesn't say it back, fine. That's fine. I'll live. Maybe she'll need time, and that's okay. She just has to know.
"I love you," I say, pulling my head up from her neck to look into her eyes. They're wide and unblinking; framed by long, dewy eyelashes that are dark black against the hazel. As we're this close with her hair slicked back from her head, half-wet, her skin looks more beautiful than ever - sporadically sprinkled with light freckles. Her lips are parted and they're the perfect shade of dusty pink - right now, she looks like a painting instead of a real, live person. Her grip on my shoulders goes slack and I hear her gasp softly, so I feel the need to fill the silence. "You don't have to say it back, I just wanted you to-"
"I love you," she says, and her voice doesn't shake. It's a firm statement with feeling behind it, and my heart starts beating so fast that I think it might flop out of my chest and into the lukewarm bathwater.
"Yeah?" I breathe, kissing her firmly on the mouth. "You're not just saying that because I gave you two orgasms, are you?"
She giggles and slaps my chest lightly. "Shut up," she says, and kisses me sweetly. "No. I said it, and I mean it." She pulls away from my lips and, while still holding my face in her hands, says it again. "I love you."
"Good," I say. "Because we are kinda married."
A month passes, and pretty soon it's a couple days before Thanksgiving and there's already snow on the ground. It's been awhile since it snowed this early, but all the kids at school like it, and it makes April snuggle closer to me at night. It's a win-win.
I wake up on the morning of the 20th - a Monday - to find April lying next to me with her eyes already open. I smile down at her and close my eyes again, relishing the feeling of her body as she cuddles closer to me.
"It snowed more overnight," she whispers.
I grunt to acknowledge what she said, but I'm still too sleepy to respond.
"It's gonna be a bad winter," she continues, kissing my chest. "Good thing I have a big, strong man to keep me warm."
I laugh a little bit and she winds her arm tight around my waist. "Can I talk to you about something?" she whispers, and props herself up a little bit. She rests her chin on me and I can feel her eyes on my face, so I force mine open. Her face is bright and alert for how early it is; by this time I should come to expect as much. She's such a morning person.
"Of course," I say. "Morning, by the way."
"Morning," she says, giving me a slow, soft kiss. "I wanted to talk to you about Thanksgiving. What are your plans?"
I blink my eyes hard to wake myself up more. "Uh, I'm not really sure," I say. "Nothing, really. My family gets together for Christmas, but my mom is gonna stay in Boston this year and have dinner with her boyfriend. She said I'm welcome to join, but…" I shake my head and chuckle. "I was gonna pass. Mark usually invites me over to have dinner with them, if I'm not busy. He'll probably do that."
She rubs her thumb in lazy circles on my chest, eyelashes fluttering. "Well, I wanted to ask if you'd want to come with us," she says quietly. "My parents have a get-together in Moline, and I thought… I don't know, I just wondered, I guess… if you'd want to join us. I don't want you to be alone, number one. And two, I guarantee that my family makes a better Thanksgiving dinner than Mark. And also...well, I love you. And I want you there."
"You want me to meet your family?" I ask. "Are you ready for that?"
"Yeah," she answers, right away. "I've told my mom about you. Not all the details, you know. And my sisters, too. They all want to meet you."
"You're completely sure?" I ask. "For real?"
"Yes, Jackson," she insists, looking at me with sober eyes.
I want to make sure we're going at a pace she's comfortable with, so usually it's her calling the shots. I don't mind, because rushing her is the last thing I want to do. About a week after we submitted our official marriage documents to the magistrate, I brought up the subject of moving in with her. It had freaked her out and she pushed back against me, saying that it would confuse Alaina and it was much too soon. I definitely saw where she was coming from - even though I'm here at the house with them all the time, it really was too soon. So after that, I've been especially careful with what I suggest.
So, the fact that it's her bringing this up this makes all the difference.
"I'd love to come," I say, pulling her body overtop of mine. I kiss her on the lips and run my hands down her sides, then rest them on her back under her pajama shirt. "Thanks for inviting me."
"Of course," she says. "We just can't tell anyone we're…"
"That we're married, I know," I say.
"They just wouldn't get it," she says.
"No, I know," I say. "Just like with everyone else. It's fine."
"Okay," she says, caressing my face. "I love you."
I had no idea what would go into a Kepner Thanksgiving. I had pictured all of them cooking in one kitchen in Ohio, but it turns out that Karen Kepner, the matriarch, sends out assignments of what everyone should bring so they can cook beforehand. So during the days preceding the holiday, when April comes home from work she's bustling in the kitchen, cooking her ass off.
I do what I can to help out, but we both know I'm of no use. Even Alaina has more skills than me, having been used to this routine for her whole life.
"No, Jackson, you cutted them too big!" she says, about my celery slices that I've been dicing for the potato salad. "That's too chunky."
"Oh," I say, then sigh. "Who has potato salad at Thanksgiving anyway? It's a summer food."
"It's a Kepner thing," April says, throwing the words over her shoulder as she crafts a pie crust from scratch. She's made a pie each night this week - it's getting past the point of excess.
"And how many pies could we possibly need?" I ask. "How many people are going to be there?"
"You never know," she says. "Some years it's like, 20, some years it's 50. Whoever shows, shows. But the people you always know will be there are me and Lainey, obviously. Mom, Dad, Alice and her husband and their three kids, Libby, her husband, and their two kids, and Kimmie, her husband, and their four kids. So that's… what? Oh, and Uncle Rick and Aunt Marge, on Mom's side. Dad's siblings are all gone now. How many is that?"
"Too many," I murmur.
She giggles. "I gave you a choice…"
"No, no, I wanna be there," I say. "I wanna meet all these crazy people."
"I wanna see Aunt Alice!" Alaina shouts, and April smiles at her.
"I know she can't wait to see you," she says.
We spend the rest of the night cooking until Alaina has to go to bed, then package up all we've made this week in preparation to leave early tomorrow morning. "Do you want me to take the first shift driving tomorrow?" April asks, slinking her arms around my waist from behind to rest her head between my shoulder blades. "I don't want you falling asleep at the wheel."
"That's probably smart," I say, running my hands over her small wrists. "Me and Laina will probably both fall asleep."
"Definitely, knowing you two," she says, then walks around to the front of me. She wraps her arms around my waist again and looks up at me sweetly, eyes sparkling. "Thank you for doing this," she says. "In advance. I know you're not used to the big family thing, so… it means a lot."
I kiss her while holding the side of her face in one hand. "One question," I say, kissing her again. "Is PDA allowed?"
She lays a flat hand on my chest. "Minor," she scolds. "Don't grope my ass in front of my dad, how about that."
"That can be arranged, I guess," I say, pretending to pout.
In the morning, I'm woken up by the smell of perfume and gentle hands on my face. "Wake up," she whispers. "I've already let you sleep in, but it's time to start getting ready."
I stretch my arms above my head and open my eyes on April - she's putting on earrings as she looks at me, her hair is already curled and she's in a holiday outfit, a black skirt with nylons and a cream-colored long-sleeved blouse. She looks classy and gorgeous. "You look nice," I manage to murmur, sleep still clouding my brain.
"Thanks," she says. "I laid out some clothes for you, too."
I laugh and rub my eyes. "April, I'm a grown man. I can pick out my own outfit."
"Well, I'm just nervous," she says. "I want my family to like you."
I sit on the edge of the bed, looking at the clothes she picked. Dark jeans and a button-up burgundy shirt, not bad. But still, I could've picked that out myself. "What makes you think they won't?" I ask.
"Nothing," she says. "They'll love you. I'm just… I'm freaking out. I haven't introduced them to anyone since-" She cuts herself off with a shake of the head that sends her curls tumbling.
"Oh," I say. "Right."
"So, that's why," she says, turning her back to walk into the bathroom. "I'm sorry if I'm a total annoyance today. It happens on holidays."
"I can handle annoying," I say, following her into the bathroom and turning on the shower. I strip down and get in, then peek my head out. "Wanna join me?"
She rolls her eyes. "You see me already all done up," she says.
"It'll be worth it… I promise," I say.
"Stop," she says. "Don't make me think about sex today. I can't. Okay?" She points at me. "Keep it in your pants." She spritzes hairspray on her head and takes a deep breath in the mirror. "I'm going to wake up Alaina and help her get ready. I'll meet you downstairs."
Once I'm dressed and put together, I make my way downstairs to find Alaina sitting on the steps, putting on her shiny black shoes slower than I've ever seen anyone do anything.
"Tired?" I ask, walking around her.
She nods without any words.
"I feel you," I say, and put my dress loafers on. "Mommy's got us up way too early."
Somehow, we get all of the food in the back of April's car, but she still insists on prattling off the checklist as we all sit buckled in, ready to go.
"Pumpkin pie."
"Yes."
"You have to say check," she insists.
"Check."
"Green bean casserole."
"Check."
"Cherry pie."
"Check."
"Potato salad."
"Check."
"Scalloped potatoes."
"Check."
She looks at me, tapping her chin with her pointer finger. "Is that it? Oh! The wine. Red and white."
"Check, check."
"Okay," she says, positioning her hands on the steering wheel. "I think we're good to go. Everybody ready?"
She waits for Alaina's response, but only silence follows. I swivel to look in the back seat and find that with her head lolled to one side, she's already fallen back to sleep.
The drive is about four hours long, and I sleep for three of them. When I wake up, I ask April if she wants me to take over, but she turns me down. She likes driving. She likes feeling in control, is what it is, but I choose to keep that to myself with a smile. I listen to her sing along with the radio for the rest of the ride, and Alaina wakes up when we're just a few miles away.
"Grandma's neighborhood!" she says excitedly, recognizing the surrounding houses. It's a quiet, suburban gathering of houses with a cul-de-sac at the end, and the Kepner house is right at the turnaround. It's big with a brick face, and there are already a ton of cars parked in the front.
"Are we late?" I ask.
"No," April says. "Everyone just loves to get here early."
We park and I straighten my clothes once I stand up, smoothing out any wrinkles that might've formed. April comes around from the driver's side and kisses me on the cheek, whispering, "You look fine," before going around to the trunk. "Lainey, can you carry the cherry pie for me? Be very careful with it."
The front door opens and I turn around with the sound, seeing a red-haired woman with an apron on standing there waving. "Alaina!" she greets. "Come here, let grandma help you."
"I can do it!" Alaina insists.
"Okay, okay, well at least let me get the door for you."
I carry as many things in my arms as I can, and let April lead the way inside. Karen is still waiting right there with a smile on her face, eyes watching me intently. My stomach is twisting with nerves.
"April, honey, you look beautiful," she says, kissing her daughter's forehead. "And you must be Jackson," she says to me.
"That I am," I say, smiling.
"Let's get you to the kitchen so you can set those down and I can give you a hug!" she says, and as I listen to her, everything about April suddenly makes sense. I look at the walls as we pass through the foyer and see Jesus memorabilia everywhere - from crosses, to portraits, to verses quoted in frames. It's a lot.
"There, just set everything down in a row and I'll worry about the tinfoil in a minute." I do as she says, and April does, too. "Now let me look at you!"
I stand in front of her awkwardly, then she wraps her arms around me in a big embrace. "It's nice to meet you," I say, patting her back.
"Let's get you introduced to everyone," she says.
"Mom - no, really. I can do that. Can we just slow down a little bit?" April says.
They make strained eye contact, then Karen smiles. "Of course," she says. "Come here, give me a hug. I've missed you! You've been so busy. I need to know everything about what's going on in your life. And Alaina, too. Where'd she run off to?"
"I know she was waiting to see Alice," I cut in.
"Oh! Of course," Karen says. "We all know who's her favorite aunt. April, would you mind helping me get the kitchen ready? I just need a pair of extra hands, then the sooner we can eat."
April meets my eyes. "Uh, sure," she says. "Jackson, will you help, too?"
"Of course," I say, rolling up my sleeves to the elbow. She takes my wrist on the way to the kitchen and gives it a squeeze, and I'm comforted by that. I'm also glad she didn't leave me alone out there. I'm not ready for that yet.
Karen barely takes a break to breathe as she talks to us. She asks about what I do for a living, how April and I met, and what I think of Alaina. I answer all of these questions honestly, and she seems reasonably pleased with what I have to say. She's a teacher, too, so it makes her happy when I tell her the circumstances of how I came to know April and Alaina.
"Have you seen the new baby yet?" Karen asks April as she pulls a dish out of the oven where it had been warming.
"On Facebook," she says. "But not in person. Is Libby here?"
"Of course," Karen says. "In the living room. Go see the baby, I know Libby's dying for you to meet him."
April meets my eyes. "Wanna come?"
"Sure," I say, and follow her out.
On the way to the living room, she takes my hand and squeezes. "You're doing just fine," she says. "I wish my mom would stop interrogating you, but… what can you do. You're doing great. She loves you."
"April!" Yet another redhead is sitting on the couch with Alaina and a couple other kids I don't recognize at her side, holding a tiny bundle. "I was wondering when you were gonna come see him."
"Hey, Libby," April says. "I didn't know you were here."
"Who's this?" Libby asks, eyes on Jackson.
"That's Jackson," Alaina pipes up. "That's Mommy's boyfriend."
"Oh," Libby says dramatically. "Well then. Aren't you clued in, Alaina."
"Jackson, this is my older sister, Libby," April says. "Libby, this is Jackson."
"Your boyfriend."
"Yes. My boyfriend."
Libby gives me a weird smile. "Nice to meet you," she says.
"You, too," I respond.
"Can I hold the baby?" April asks, and makes a spot for herself on the couch. I stay standing awkwardly, because there's not really room for me and no one seems keen on moving over. I'm too uncomfortable to ask.
Libby hands the baby over and my stomach does a funny thing when I see an infant in April's arms. She looks down into the baby's face and smiles, and I can't help but smile with her. She looks so natural holding a baby. I try to keep myself from imagining that baby as ours, but it's hard.
"Isaiah, right?" April asks, cooing at him.
Libby nods. "It means 'God is salvation,'" she says.
"What does my name mean, mommy?" Alaina chimes in, peering around her aunt to look at her mother.
April smiles at her daughter. "It means 'bright light.' Because you're my little light."
Alaina grins happily, satisfied with that answer. "Doyou wanna hold the baby?" she asks, and I realize that she's asking me. "I already holded him. Aunt Libby said he likes me the best. But you can hold him. Right, Aunt Libby?"
"If he wants."
"I- no, that's okay," I say.
April looks up at me. "You sure?" she asks. "He's sound asleep. He's not gonna cry. And you're fantastic with kids."
I sigh. I do want to hold him, but I don't want it to be weird. "Come on, he's not gonna bite you," Libby says.
"Okay," I give in. "Sure. Can I sit?" I find a place next to April and she carefully hands Isaiah over. As I hold his comforting weight in my arms, I feel her eyes on me - warm and unrelenting. "He sure is a cutie," I say.
"It's a Kepner thing," April says, and she and Libby laugh together.
When it's time to sit down for dinner, I'm between April and Alaina. I pick up my fork, about to dish myself some green bean casserole, but April grabs my hand and pulls it back firmly.
"Let us pray," her father says, and I widen my eyes. I forgot. "Dear Lord, thank You for blessing us with this bounty of food. Thank You for bringing everyone together on this sacred holiday and giving our family safe trips here to Moline. We are so grateful that we've all made it another year to see each other here again, and are able to showcase our love for both each other and You. Thank You for our amazing family, the new members and the old, and for the new child You've blessed Libby and Keith with. Thank You for Your guidance as we continue throughout this year - please give us strength for the hardships we have not yet endured and give us grace to overcome the ones we've already experienced…"
In the middle of the prayer, April's stomach grumbles loudly and I suppress a laugh. I squeeze her hand, and she kicks my ankle under the table.
"Thank You for Your presence in our lives, God, for creating this beautiful family tree and letting the sun shine down on us to help us grow each day. We are so very fortunate to have all that You've given us, God, and every day we are thankful for it, not just today. In Your name we pray, amen."
A series of 'amens' make their way around the table, and finally we're able to serve ourselves.
"So Jackson," April's father says. "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to officially meet you until we sat down. I'm Joe."
"Nice to meet you, sir," I say.
He smiles and dishes up turkey to his grandchildren. Alaina is already going to town on mashed potatoes beside me, gravy in a circle around her mouth.
"So tell me - how did the two of you meet?" he asks.
Karen cuts in before I can even open my mouth. "Jackson is Alaina's teacher," she says, smiling demurely at the three of us. "You know those crazy hours that April works - she hardly ever gets any time for herself, so she's had to put Alaina in an after-school program. And Jackson runs it."
"I was reading an article on those kind of government-funded programs," a man across from me - I think he's Kimmie's husband, Dan - says. "I heard they might get cut. Some of 'em, at least. In my opinion, it might be better. If all the government's money is being poured into those programs, is that what I'm paying taxes for?"
I feel April tense beside me. "If you didn't pay taxes for those programs, your niece wouldn't have anywhere to go after school, Dan," she says tersely.
"No, no, that's not what I'm saying," he says. "Anyway, doesn't she go to a Montessori school? Those aren't government funded anyway, so-"
"But what you're saying is that you'd rather pay a few dollars less in taxes than have kids with working parents have somewhere to go after school."
"Well, it can't be that hard for you to get off a little earlier, switch your schedule around," he says, trying to sound amiable as he cuts the turkey on his plate.
"Yeah, let me just cancel my surgeries that are saving people's lives," April says, her tone biting.
"Okay, okay, enough," Joe interrupts. "Enough of the politics talk. We were talking about Jackson and April - how they met. So Jackson, you're a teacher?"
"Yeah," I say. "Kindergarten."
Kimmie sets her spoon down with a soft clink against her glass plate. I haven't been formally introduced to her yet, but context clues tell me who she is. "Is it weird being a single man around other people's families all the time?" she asks.
"Kimmie!" Karen scolds, and I feel my face heat up.
"I - um…"
April takes my wrist. "He's not single," she says, stroking my skin. "Are you deaf?"
"April," Joe warns.
"What?" she says, flipping her head around so her hair flies. "She can't talk to him like that." She looks at me. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine," I say under my breath.
"Can we all just take a breath?" Joe suggests. "This is supposed to be a nice family gathering. Let's eat our food, turn on the game, play outside, do whatever. Anything you want except for fighting. Okay? Agreed?"
Everyone around the table halfheartedly affirms him, and we all dig in. Dinner doesn't take long, and as soon as everyone's done, the kids are begging for someone to take them outside and throw the ball around.
"Jackson, will you come?" Alaina asks. "I got the football." She's holding it under her arm, and it looks comically big next to her small frame.
"Football's for boys," Kimmie's son, Oliver, says.
"Girls can do whatever they want!" Alaina says, and I pick her up and throw her over my shoulder like a potato sack.
"She's right," I tell Oliver. "And if you keep up that kinda talk, we're gonna use you as the ball."
Alaina laughs as we all trek outside, and I try to assimilate my way into the clan of Kepner men. I'm playing football, which is more like 'try and catch the spiral' with all the kids and Joe, Keith, Dan, and Alice's husband, Calvin, and we're all having a surprisingly good time. Joe is impressed by my hand, which makes me feel good, and everyone is all smiles. I look up from the ground after Alaina tackles me, up into the kitchen window to find April and Karen washing dishes, smiling out at me. I grin back at them, and April waves at me with a dish towel.
When it's time to leave, the round of goodbyes is a big production by the front door. All the kids want to hug me, which takes a while, and each of April's sisters give me a kiss on the cheek. I wish I had gotten to talk to Alice more - she seems like the most normal one of the three - but I'm more ready than anything to head back home to Chicago.
"Don't be a stranger!" Karen says, hands planted on my shoulder. "You're welcome here whenever you'd like. You're part of the family now."
"Thanks, Mrs. Kepner," I say politely.
"Call me Karen," she says, and gives me a kiss on the cheek.
Joe shakes my hand and gives me a firm hug. "You fit right in with us, son," he says. "I hope to see you back for Christmas."
"Of course, sir," I say, smiling.
April says her goodbyes to her parents and holds her nearly-sleeping daughter on her chest as we walk out to the car. I have my arms full of clean dishes that I deposit in the trunk, and she carefully buckles Alaina into the back seat atop her booster without waking her too much.
We sit in the silent car for a second, just decompressing before getting back on the road again. This time I'm in the driver's seat, because April is exhausted after today.
"You know," she says quietly. I look over at her and see that she's smiling softly. "I can see us doing this again."
I start the car. "I mean, I figured we'd be coming back for Christmas," I say.
"No, no," she says, turning towards me. "I mean like, coming back again. Next year, and the year after that, and the year after that." She smiles and lets out a small breath. "I can see us being an us."