August 7th 2010
By day my limbs, By night my mind
For thee, and for myself, no quiet find.
He's got me quoting fucking shakespeare...this has to stop.
"So what brings you to see me today Castiel?"
The psychologist was a short, older man, with graying dark hair. He was wearing a sweater set and kakis, and Castiel thought he looked like a librarian. His name was Dr. Metron and Castiel liked him immediately. His smile was genuine, and his office was comfortable.
"My sister suggested it." Castiel answered honestly.
"Why do you think she felt it was a good idea?" Dr. Metron pressed.
"Well, i had a rough childhood...and i think maybe she...and i guess i do too...feel like it would be a good idea to work some of that out."
"Alright. Why don't you tell me about it, your childhood."
Castiel sighed. He didn't know where to start, or how much to actually go into. In this case he was sure brevity wasn't necessary but he really wanted to get to the part where he would be cured of his feelings for Dean, so he wanted to do his best to truncate his history.
"Dad left. Mom hated me. Older brother was a dick...but we get a long well enough now. His twin sister protected me from my mother's drunken outbursts when she could, but she left when i was twelve. My other older sister is pretty much the most perfect person to exist. I loved my grandfather but he died last year."
Dr. Metron kept his face impassive as he nodded. "And you. Tell me more about yourself."
"I say what's on my mind too much. I write shitty poetry. I'm working on a novel about a drug addict even though i've never been high. I've fucked probably half of my home town..."
Castiel's eyes shot up at the last statement, carefully taking in his therapists response.
He didn't show a flicker of surprise as he nodded again. "I see. And do you still continue to have multiple partners?"
"No. Just one. My boyfriend Sam." The doctor wrote down a few lines onto his steno pad.
"And how long have you been seeing each other."
"Going on two years." Castiel answered.
"And has it been difficult to stay faithful to Sam?"
"No." Castiel said quickly, his eyes then averting to the ceiling as he thought about the truth of his answer. "Well, i mean i have never cheated on him, but lately...lately i am struggling with...thoughts."
"Thoughts of being unfaithful?"
"Yes." Castiel said quietly. "I don't want to, i really don't. Especially not with him...its just they keep popping up in my head. I cant seem to get him out of there."
"I see. Another man?"
"Yes." Castiel paused then added, "Sam's brother."
"Alright." Dr. Metron said evenly. "Lets go back a bit. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Tell me more about your previous partners."
"You mean relationships or sexual partners?"
"Whatever you would like to tell me."
"Uh...I guess...I've only had three or four relationships that lasted longer than a couple weeks. Other than that, I mostly just slept with people i was attracted to...or people who were attracted to me."
"Did you want a relationship with those people or was it clear to both parties that it was casual?"
"I'm not sure what the other person wanted...there were times when i wanted to keep it casual and other times when i wanted more."
"And how long did this pattern take place?"
"Since i started having sex...until i met Sam." Castiel shifted nervously, suddenly feeling more uncomfortable than he had before. The doctor didn't let that keep him from continuing though.
"And when did you first have intercourse?" Dr. Metron asked, his brow furrowed slightly.
"When i was fourteen." Castiel had learned by now that fourteen was far too young to be having sex, but there wasn't anything he could do about it now.
The doctor wrote a few more things down on his notepad.
"And what made you want to have sex?"
"I guess...i don't know, i just wanted someone." Castiel fidgeted with his hands in his lap.
"You wanted the physical response or were you looking for an emotional connection?"
"I guess at first it was just emotional...i wanted someone for myself." He tried to meet the doctor's gaze but his eyes fell to the floor quickly.
"Someone to love you."
"Yes." Castiel answered after a long pause. "But then there were times when people did love me...and i couldn't love them back."
Dr. Metron just nodded as if he understood and wrote more in his steno pad.
"Castiel, tell me more about your relationship with your mother."
Castiel shifted in his seat again. "She blamed me for my father leaving. Most of my memories of her involve her insulting me or ignoring me completely."
"I see." The psychologist put his pen down and looked into Castiel's eyes. "Do you think its possible you were replacing the love of your mother by seeking out the love of others."
"Yes." Castiel said in an irritated voice. "I think that's exactly what i was doing."
The doctor was un-phased by Castiel's annoyance. "Alright, that's good that you recognize that." He paused.
"Now why don't you tell me more about Dean."
Castiel flushed immediately. "Dean? You don't want me to tell you about Sam first?"
"If you'd like, but i think you know how you feel about your boyfriend. And i think i can surmise a great deal about him just by the simple fact that you have been with him for so long. I suspect you are really here to figure out how you feel about his brother."
Castiel's eyes widened. "You're..uh...you're good at this."
The doctor smiled softly. "Its my job."
"Yeah..." Castiel slumped into the couch and let out a long breath. "Dean."
Dr. Metron stayed silent and waited for Castiel to continue.
He didn't know what to tell his therapist. He could describe him physically but what would that do but to confirm he is attracted to him? He could tell him about the smile Castiel swears is just for him, or the glint in Dean's eyes when he's watching Cas behind the bar. There were a million things he could say about Dean, but he didn't know where to start.
"He's Sam's brother."
The doctor nodded and waited again.
"He's...fuck!" Castiel stood up then, his body unable to stay still as his mind raced around thoughts of Dean and his ability to actually say them out loud. "He's infuriating in the best way possible. He is entirely selfless, but considers himself a selfish person. He can make my entire body shake with just a look or a brush of his fingertips over mine." Castiel was pacing the room then, his voice hurried and raised.
"His smile literally makes me weak- like my legs actually buckled yesterday when i saw him. Its fucking ridiculous. His eyes...shit his eyes are so green and so god damn beautiful...and his freckles...they're these little tiny specs of heaven that i imagine myself tasting whenever i see him. And...shit...i..." Castiel stopped in front of the couch. "What the hell am i going to do?"
The doctor waited a moment before answering. His face was still impassive, but Castiel could see a kindness in his eyes that made him like the man even more.
"Castiel it sounds to me like you have definitely developed feelings for Dean, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything catastrophic. People develop crushes all the time. If you are committed to Sam, this infatuation will pass."
"It will pass?" Castiel said suspiciously.
"If you want it to, yes. It will." The doctor leaned forward slightly in his chair. "The movies talk about falling in love like it wasn't a choice, like there was no other option. But it is a choice Castiel. You are at a point in your relationship with Dean where you could walk away. You could distance yourself and in doing so, your crush will slip away."
Castiel stared at the doctor, completely wrapped up in his words.
"However, you can also choose to continue your relationship with Dean. And if you choose that path, its likely your crush will grow into something much more substantial."
"Substantial...you mean like i would fall in love with him?"
"Its possible, yes." The doctor nodded. "Once you've made a decision to keep pursuing this friendship, you are signing yourself up for that possibility."
"You are at a crossroads Castiel. If you get out now, you may save yourself from a lot of heartache in the future. If you continue your relationship with Dean, the choice of falling in love will be taken out of your hands."
August 7th 2010
A crush? A fucking crush? Like i'm fifteen again?
Fuck that.
I like my therapist though.
Besides telling me that if i kept seeing Dean it would be my own fault if i fall in love with him, he also told me that my relationship with Sam shouldn't be the sole reason for my happiness.
I think that makes sense, but i'm not sure what else makes me happy. Except Sam. And Dean. But Dean also makes me miserable so maybe he doesn't count.
Writing makes me happy sometimes i suppose.
Why do i have to be happy to be functional member of society? Just because i'm unhappy doesn't mean i will off myself or hurt anyone else. I feel comfortable in my unhappiness, its...its normal for me.
I do prefer the feeling of happiness though. I do like that blissful serenity that comes with Sam's voice or Dean's smile. I shouldn't let Dean get in though, that place...that place should be reserved for Sam only.
Despite what Dr. Metron says, I cant give up my relationship with Dean. I may be walking down a dark and horrible path...but i couldn't imagine not being around Dean as often as I am. Its become a part of me...i feel so drawn to him i cant think straight when he is around.
that's probably one more sign i should give him up...but i cant. I feel like my entire body is on fire when he is around and being close to him makes it better and worse at the same time.
This isn't just a crush. This cant be a crush...i don't know what it is...but its not that.
Castiel felt his phone buzzing in his pocket and closed his journal. He stood up and pulled the phone out of his pocket to see a text message notification.
Balthazar: I am in town Cassie. Come play with me.
Castiel rolled his eyes and ignored the text. He really didn't want to deal with his obnoxious cousin at the moment. His phone buzzed in his hands again indicating another text.
Balthazar: don't ignore me cousin. Come on, we'll have a blast.
Castiel groaned. He let out a long sigh before replying.
Castiel: Where are you staying?
Balthazar: Plaza. Meet me for a drink? Bring that handsome man of yours.
Castiel: Fine. What time?
Balthazar: Seven. Four. Now. Just come get drunk with me Castiel.
Castiel: Sam will be home in a few minutes, I'll let you know.
Balthazar: Tell him to wear something slutty.
Castiel rolled his eyes again and pushed the phone back into his front pocket.
"Hey!" Sam's voice came from the living room and Castiel left their bedroom, shutting the door as he went.
"Hi." Castiel said as casually as he could manage.
His struggle with his feelings for Dean had caused him to start feeling more and more guilty whenever he saw Sam. He was lying to him, every time he saw his boyfriend, Castiel was lying to him. It was eating away at him but at the same time he knew he could never tell him. He also knew he couldn't stop seeing Dean.
Sam dropped his bag of books on the floor and walked over to Castiel to give him a peck on the lips. "How was your shift?"
"Fine. Decent enough tips for a day shift. How was class?"
"Eh. I got a mountain of work to do, plus an exam next week to study for. So...fucking fantastic." Sam smiled. "Thoughts for dinner?"
"Uh- actually. Balthezaur is in town and wants to meet up. You can't come be my buffer for a couple hours?"
Sam's face fell slightly. "Oh babe, i wish i could, really." Sam stepped forward and put his hand on Castiel's arm. "But i really need to study."
"Its alright, i didn't really want to go anyway."
Sam narrowed his eyes at him. "You should still go. It'll be good for you."
"I don't think a night out with Balthazar is good for anyone Sam." Castiel said tersely.
"Well then, call Dean. He can be your buffer, and i bet he would find Baz hilarious."
Castiel's body stiffened. "Dean?"
"Yeah, you guys are getting to be pretty good friends right?" Sam asked nonchalantly as he turned away and picked his bag off the floor. He began unloading his books onto the kitchen table.
"Yeah, i mean i guess so. But i'm sure he has better things to do than help me babysit my crazy cousin." Castiel stammered, looking for a way out of this externally, while internally screaming in delight.
"I seriously doubt that. Call him."
Castiel could feel a bead of sweat collecting at his brow at the thought of calling Dean. No, he didn't want to do that. He would text him. That would give Dean an easier out if he wants one.
"Alright." Castiel said as casually as he could manage, careful to keep his voice even.
He pulled out his phone again and found Dean's number. He had stored it the other day after Dean had texted him. All he said was that he was going to be a few minutes late for his shift, but Castiel read the text repeatedly.
Castiel: My asshole cousin is in town tonight and is requesting my presence. You up for some babysitting?
Castiel read his text multiple times before hitting send. He thought he accomplished being clever but breezy fairly well. His palms began to sweat as he waited for Dean's response. Charlie had the bar tonight so he knew Dean wasn't working.
Less than a minute passed before Castiel's phone buzzed in his hands.
Dean: Sure. Where to?
Castiel felt a smile creeping to his lips that he shut down immediately. His heart rate however, was unable to be tamed and he could hear his pulse in his ears.
Castiel: Lets meet at the Bunker. Decide from there.
Dean: Sounds good. Time?
Castiel: Six?
Dean: See you then.
"What'd he say?" Sam asked, his study station set up at the kitchen table.
Castiel shoved his phone back into his pocket quickly, as if hiding evidence.
"He's in. Thanks for suggesting it Sam, Baz can be a bit much to take on alone."
"Yeah i know, just keep him from kissing Dean like he does me all the time." Sam laughed.
"Do you think Dean would mind?" Castiel found himself hanging on Sam's upcoming answer.
"Being kissed by a guy he doesn't know? Probably." Sam snickered. "Although with Dean...God i never know."
"He is...difficult to pinpoint." Castiel agreed.
"So, dinner?" Sam asked, his head pointed down at his book.
"Uh- i figured i'd take Baz out. Is that alright?"
"Huh? Yeah sure, that's no big deal. We have leftovers from last night." Sam smiled up at him and Castiel walked over to kiss his mouth tenderly.
"Thanks." Castiel said against his lips.
"For what?" Sam asked.
"For being so sweet." Castiel said in a southern drawl he knew made Sam laugh.
"Oh geez." Sam rolled his eyes. "Go shower, you're practically dripping in triteness."
Castiel laughed. "Yes dear."
He made his way into the bathroom and disrobed quickly. He smelled of bar and cleaning solution and wanted to look good for tonight. He put it out of his mind that he wanted to look good for Dean, instead he convinced himself that dressing nicely would give Balthazar one less thing to tease him about.
While he was in the shower Castiel's thoughts roamed over to where they would go that evening. He figured they could have a couple drinks at The Bunker, let Balthazar meet charlie, then grab some dinner somewhere nearby. He assumed his cousin would want to continue drinking after that and hoped Dean would have a good suggestion for a place to go.
At the thought of Dean, and what he would be wearing tonight, Castiel's dick twitched to life. He groaned at the inconvenience and did his best to wash around it without touching himself longer than a few seconds. He tried to concentrate on anything that wasn't Dean's eyes, or smile, or adorable freckles. His mind however, refused to cooperate and he found himself picturing his tongue flicking softly against the freckles on Dean's cheek. He saw himself working his way down to his jaw and kissing him softly just beneath his ear, sucking at the sensitive skin slightly.
Without realizing it, Castiel had begun to stroke himself. His hand pulling down his shaft and coming back up again as thoughts of Dean's body floated easily across his mind. Castiel imagined kissing his way down Dean's throat, stopping along his collar bone for a taste, before moving down further to tease his nipples between his teeth. He didn't know if Dean liked that, but in his fantasy Dean was panting against the top of Castiel's head as he worked his nipples over, lapping them into his mouth and sucking gently.
Castiel began to stroke himself faster, the water providing a pleasant sensation along his cock as he moved. He let his mind wander to Dean's hipbones, and the way his ass curved in his jeans. He imagined what it would look like naked and Castiel was so close to coming just from the thought. He continued to pull at his shaft, gripping himself tighter as he let go of all mental restraint and imagined taking Dean into his hand. He let himself pretend the dick in his hand was Dean's, and Castiel had to bite down on his lip as he came. He spilled over into the shower, leaning his body against the cool tiled wall as he came down from his high.
Castiel finished cleaning his body as he shook his head at what he had just done. Ever since the incident with his facebook picture, Castiel had been very careful about thinking about Dean whenever he felt aroused. He would box up that part of him, and keep the lid on tight as he and Sam made love, not letting his feelings for Dean take over in the moment. But it was getting harder and harder to stop himself from going there.
Castiel turned off the water and dried himself off with a towel. He made his way into their bedroom and peeked at Sam who was still hunched over his books at the table. Guilt shot through him and Castiel felt like he wanted to jump off a bridge in that moment.
He trudged on though and went into their bedroom.
He pulled on a pair of black boxer briefs and then dressed in dark jeans and a teal button down that was fitted against his body. He pushed some product through his hair quickly before leaving his bedroom and walking towards Sam. He grabbed his shoes and slipped them on easily before clearing his throat to get Sam's attention.
"What do you think?" Castiel asked with arms outstretched. "Will Balthazar have reason to be a little shit about my appearance?"
Sam glanced up casually from his book, intending to placated his boyfriend before doing a double take and staring him down. "Geez..." Sam said as his eyes widened. "Where did you get that shirt?"
"Charlie helped me pick it out the other day, she said it brought out my eyes. Good?" Castiel worried he looked ridiculous in such a bright color.
"Uh yeah. Good...great...fucking sexy as hell babe." Sam walked over to him and put his arms around his waist, dipping his hands down to Castiel's ass. "You better be home early enough for me to have some fun with you looking like that."
Castiel's anxious grin widened into a full on gummy smile. "Really?"
"Oh yeah. You'll be batting them away all night." Sam said against his lips.
"Batting who away?" Castiel asked as he kissed him back.
"Anyone with eyes." He leaned down to kiss him again but stopped short. "What happened to your lip?"
Castiel blushed. "I bit it. Stupid, I know. Does it look bad?"
"No...in fact, it kind of makes you look even hotter, like you've been fighting in an alley somewhere." Sam smiled. "Damn, i don't think i like you going out looking so damn hot babe."
"Well i could stay in then, just watch you study as I dodge Baz' phone calls."
"Nice try." Sam said with a teasing grin as he pulled back and went to sit down at the table again. "Go. Have fun, don't let my brother catch any STD's while you're out."
Castiel found himself following him, pulling his arms around Sam's shoulders as he dipped his face next to his. "You're the best."
Sam beamed up at him. "I know."
Castiel arrived at The Bunker a few minutes early, anticipating that Balthazar would show up pretty much the moment he got the address. He let out a sigh of relief though, when he entered the bar and found only Charlie and some of the regulars laughing at the bar.
"Cas!" Charlie yelled through a wide smile. "Gary here is telling me stories about you!"
"Oh yeah?" Castiel asked casually as he took a seat next to Steve. "What kind of shit are you spewing Gary?"
"Only that you and Dean seem to be mighty cozy lately." The men roared with laughter and Charlie joined them. Castiel did his best to play the comment off as a joke like the rest of them were doing but could feel a lump in his throat form.
"don't be jealous Gary, There's plenty of me to go around." Dean's voice was behind him then and Castiel just about fell off his barstool when he whipped around to face him.
They only made eye contact for a second before their eyes moved down the lines of each other's bodies.
While Castiel was taking in the way Dean had rolled up the sleeves of his white button down to show off his impressive forearms, Dean's eyes were roaming down to Castiel's chest, lingering on the stretch of the fabric across his runners body. Dean had declined to shave just as Castiel had, and both of their jaws were shaded in stubble. He was too far to smell, but Castiel thought Dean looked like he smelled like spring rain and he felt his feet move towards him unconsciously.
Their eyes didn't find their way back up to each other's until each of them had appreciated the other man fully.
The moment their eyes met though, was something Castiel would never forget.
Dean's were wide and filled with desire, and he was sure they mimicked his own. Castiel felt like the entire room was shaking around them. He could feel his body coming to life as they continued to gaze at each other,each of them taking another step closer with out realizing it.
Castiel watched as Dean's gaze lowered to his lips and could see the puzzlement in his face at the sight of the small cut. His confusion quickly transformed into something else though, when Castiel flicked his tongue out to soothe his wound.
"See, what'd i tell ya?" Gary stage whispered into Steve's ear.
Castiel barely heard him though and it wasn't until Balthazar walked in and pulled Castiel into a dramatic kiss that Castiel dragged his eyes away from Dean's.
"Mmph" Castiel pushed Balthazar away. "Was that entirely necessary?"
Balthazar smiled widely and wiggled his eyebrows. "No."
He lifted his gaze to Charlie and called over to her. "Kettle One darling, neat."
Castiel turned to look at Charlie who was staring widely at Balthazar and was wearing a goofy smile. She looked at him and then to Dean. "And you two?"
"I'll just have a beer. The pale is fine." Castiel answered before turning his gaze back to Dean, careful to keep his glance casual and trained only on his face.
"Same." Dean said shakily.
"Where's gorgeous , Cassie?" Balthazar asked, his eyes scanning the crowd.
"Sam had to study." Castiel answered firmly, his voice gruff and low.
"Sam's not coming?" Dean asked suddenly. Castiel thought he heard panic in his voice.
"No." Castiel answered solemnly. "Baz, this is Dean. Sam's older brother."
"Oh good god. The whole lot of you are fucking stupidly handsome." Balthazar said with disgust. "How come we didn't get those genes Cassie?"
"Oh i don't know," Charlie's voice cut in then, as he put their drinks on the bar. "Cassie here is pretty damn fine, if i do say so myself."
"What do you know about it?" Gary asked.
"Just because i don't buy the flower doesn't mean i cant appreciate the bouquet." Charlie retorted back, fluttering her lashes.
Castiel felt his face getting hot under the stares of the men at the bar.
"Yeah- i guess if i swung that way." Steve shrugged and gave Castiel a wink. "Sure."
Castiel blushed even harder before regrouping and pulling himself together.
"Alright, Alright. I'm taken everyone- keep your pants on." Castiel said smoothly, impressing himself with his ability to fall into his smartass persona despite his sudden attack of nerves.
"What about you gorgeous- you have a special someone in your life?" Balthazar turned to Dean, placing his hand on his shoulder and Castiel could feel his smile straining into a frown.
His eyes darted to Dean's who flashed his green irises Castiel's way before beginning to stammer. "Well- uh, not-"
"He's ready and able!" Charlie shouted.
Balthazar let a crooked smile grace his lips as he looked at Dean.
Castiel thought it looked like his cousin was licking Dean telepathically and it made him want to punch his cousin.
Dean's cheeks turned red under Balthazar's gaze.
"Perfect." Baz crooned at Dean before turning to look at Charlie. "And who is this charmer?"
"I'm Charlie, Dean and Cas would be lost with out me." She extended her hand over the bar. "And you are?"
"Balthazar- Baz will do just fine though. I'm Cassie's cousin." He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it seductively.
"don't waste your best material on her buddy." Gary teased.
"I was merely greeting her properly." Balthazar shot back with a smile.
He pulled the drinks into his hands and passed them over to his companions for the evening. When he looked to Dean and Castiel, he found their eyes locked once again, in a battle of ocean and forrest.
His own eyes flicked between them a few times before a devilish smirk lifted his lips.
"Oh boys, we are going to have a good time tonight."