Excel or Die; Strike Back! Chapter 10; I, Puchuu…you, dead
Author's Note; I'm sorry for the long delay in updating, my computer was sick! But it's better now! (Hence the new chapter…). Anyway, we have reached a point in the story where all the characters from 'Read or Die' and 'Excel Saga' plus Jay and Silent Bob all should meet each other. Don't you agree? Read...
"PREVIOUSLY ON 'EXCEL OR DIE; STRIKE BACK!'" shouted the voice-over, also known as Koshi Rikdo
(The screen fades onto Jay, Silent Bob, a group of Puchuus, the 2 Ropponmatsus and Iwata)
"YEAH! GO! GET THEM BIG SISTER!" shouted the younger version of the Ropponmatsu as she skipped with joy
"Who's the tits?" asked Jay, referring to the older Ropponmatsu
"That would be the Ropponmatsu…" Said Iwata, trying to work out if them being here was a good thing, or a bad thing…
His worries were about to be answered, as the older Ropponmatsu bended her knee. A hole formed where her knee cap used to be, and a missile was found within the hole…
"What the f-" said Jay
The Ropponmatsu simply said in unison "Knee-cap missile…FIRE!"
"WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO JAY AND SILENT BOB?" Koshi Rikdo continued in a dramatic, proud voice, "WILL THEY SCREW ANY HOT ANIME BABES? WILL THEY SURVIVE THE 'MISSILE OF DEATH'?"
"It's not 'the missile of death', it's a 'Knee-cap missile' dumbass!" protested the Space Butler
"WHO'S ASKED YOU? I'M THE VOICE OVER; I'LL SAY WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT!!!"
"Whatever…" said the grumpy space butler and walked off, muttering under his breath
"Anyway…as I was saying…WILL THE PUCHUUS SUCCED IN THEIR PLANS TO DEMOLISH THE DIRTY DUO JAY AND SILENT BOB? AND WILL THE AUTHOR SUCCED IN MAKING HER READERS LAUGH OUT LOUD UNTIL THEIR SIDES HURT?"
"Not bloody likely…" Lilith darkstorm muttered, half to herself, half to anyone who is reading
"FIND OUT-IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF 'EXCEL OR DIE; STRIKE BACK!' (ok now where my money?)" Koshi Rikdo exits with his cash
The 'Knee-cap missile' hovered over to its target, Jay and Silent Bob, upon touching their bodies the missile immediately exploded. The earth itself shook and darkness enveloped all those who were near the duo. The temperature of the atmosphere dramatically increased around them and extremely loud 'explosive' noises were heard from miles around. Watanabe woke in time, from his hang-over, to see the results of the explosion.
After all the smoke cleared, everyone was seen on their back sides, many were injured; Man…how long did I pass out for? Watanabe thought to himself
The dirty duo were black all-over (burnt to a crisp…not literally, just on the outside…you know what I mean!!)
"…Ow….I guess a make-out session is out of the question then?" Jay questioned to the older Ropponmatsu
Just as the smoke cleared, Excel, Hyatt and Yomiko came onto the scene-the explosion they had heard from the previous chapter came from this area. Whether it was because of the shock of the explosion-or whether her lungs were filled up with blood again-Hyatt passed out and fell to the floor with a loud 'thud'.
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?" Excel asked, yet the sight of Puchuus outside her apartment building pretty much answered her question. However, Yomiko was oblivious of the 'evilness' of the Puchuus; "Oh! They're sooooo cute!" she said as her cheeks blushed and she gazed upon the group of Puchuus
Excel had to set her straight; "DON'T BE FOOLED AGENT GEEK! THOSE CREATURES MAYBE CUTE-BUT THEY ARE EVIL! EVIL I TELL YOU! ALL CUTE THINGS ARE EVIL! (Take rubber ducks and moogles for example)."
"But…but I'm cute looking…and I'm not evil…"
Excel looked at Yomiko up and down, failing to see anything cute looking about Yomiko-'yeah right, keep telling yourself that' she thought to herself
The group of Puchuus couldn't believe their eyes, their faces changed into human faces, "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!" questioned the Puchuu leader-ignoring the commotion going on behind him involving the 3 girls
"HOW COULD YOU SURVIVE THAT MISSILE?"
"I'm not sure…" replied Jay, proud of himself, "But ever since we got to this fucking town we've been fucking indestructible!" Silent Bob nodded in agreement
"In… indestructible? Oh my God!" Yomiko realized the truth, she turned to Excel, "Do you know what this means?"
Excel, being completely oblivious, just blankly stared at her
"Those two men just survived, and they just said they were indestructible! They can't die! That means they are…" she trailed off, hoping Excel would finish her sentence, but Excel still had no idea what see was blabbing on about
Yomiko sighed and shook her head, "Remember back in chapter 6-"
"WOAH WOAH…you lost me…" said the simple minded Excel
"Remember when we argued in Ilpalazzo's headquarters?" Excel still had no idea
Yomiko was getting fed up with this, "You called me a 'geek'…"
"OH! I remember now! Why didn't you just say that earlier?" Excel asked
"sigh…anyway, after that…you said that the main character can't be killed…and only that 'afro haired' guy-"
"Nabeshin" Excel corrected Yomiko
"…and only Nabeshin knew who the main character in this crossover was…"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GOT TO DO WITH WHATS HAPPENING NOW?!"
Yomiko had reached her peak, she was always trained at the Royal British Library Task Force to keep her cool and to always have control over her emotions-but Excel's small little mind and dim-wittedness was getting on her last nerve; she wacked Excel with her book and went out of control…
"FOR PETE'S SAKE! WHERE THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU WHEN THEY HANDED OUT THE BRAINS?! I MEAN-COME ON! IT'S SO SIMPLE! THE MAIN CHARACTER-CAN'T BE KILLED, WE WERE THE MAIN CHARACTERS-NOW WE'RE NOT, THE TWO MEN OVER THERE-THEY JUST SAID THAT THEY WERE INDESTRUCTIBLE! THEREFORE THESE TWO MEN ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS OF THIS CROSSOVER!!" Yomiko deeply and loudly breathed in and out, in order to regain her strength
"…oh…now that you put it that way…it is that simple…yeah" Excel claimed, pretending she knew what Yomiko just shouted at her.
The others had heard what Yomiko said (well, who didn't?) "But Hyatt comes back from the dead all the time; she seems to be indestructible too…" Iwata wondered
"Yeah but that's part of her characterization!" Excel offered, "She doesn't count in this situation…"
"Well that explains everything!" Sumiyoshi said in his subtitled way-happy with this explanation
"What?! These fools are the main characters?" The leader Puchuu questioned,
"That's it man! We fuckers are the main characters!" stated the happy Jay, Silent Bob seemed happy too, "And every main character gotta have a chick to screw-"
"PUCHUUUUUUU!!" (Translation; "THIS CAN'T BEEEEEEEE!") The leader Puchuu screamed, all attention of the characters and readers were directed onto him, and Hyatt woke up from her 'death experience'
"I SWORE TO MYSELF AND TO ALL PUCHUU ALIKE THAT I SHALL WIPE YOU TWO OFF THE FACE OF THIS UNIVERSE! HOW CAN I DO THAT WHEN YOU TWO ARE INDESTRUCTIBLE?"
"Woah man…what the fuck is wrong? What have you got against us?" Jay questioned
"In the olden days, when TV animation was for children-and when Madonna was cool, cute creatures-such as us were praised and worshipped…" the Puchuu leader explained, "you see…back in those times…people flinched and thought it was barbaric if nudity, swear words, violence or ugly people were seen, heard or even suggested on television. Those were the best times; I was loved by children and by girly-girls from around the globe…"
All of the characters listened carefully to the Puchuu's words; "BUT NOW…" they were shocked by his sudden change in tone
"But now! Ever since recently, ever since people like YOU TWO-" pointing at Jay and Silent Bob, "and ever since that naughty, gay referred and dirty video from 'Frankie goes to Hollywood's smash hit; 'Relax', EVERYTHING CHANGED!"
"I LOVE THAT SONG!" Excel began to dance and sing in an inappropriate manner, "Relax…don't do it…when you want to go to it...Relax"
The Puchuu ignored Excel, "People didn't want to see cute, fluffy, pink, adorable ME or any other cute creatures on television anymore! All they wanted was more swear words, more nudity, more violence, more more MORE! Oh sure, me and the other Puchuus tried to be more violent and evil…but all that got us is a minor role in the most stupid anime I have ever heard of, called 'Excel Saga'"
"OI! That's MY anime that you're mocking over there!" shouted Excel
"The only thing we liked about it was that we had no competition with the other characters over who is the most intelligent and best all around-'cos all of them are a bunch of IDIOTS!"
"Hay!"
"That's so mean!"
"I recent that…even though it's true!" commented Excel Saga staff and characters
"When we heard about YOU TWO coming onto our show, we had to get rid of you-before Koshi Rikdo sees you and replaces US with YOU! That is why, we cannot allow you to live…we will kill you, we have MORE than just 2 Ropponmatsus you know! You may be the main characters now…but wait until you see our SECRET WEAPON!! AND WITH IT WE SHALL DESTROY ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST LIKE YOU!!!! MHAHAHAHA!!!"
A loud and heavy 'stomp' was heard from behind the cast of characters, as they turned around to see where the sound came from-they screamed in fear to see 2 giant robots standing behind them! Both of the robots were 60 foot tall, packed full with grenades, missiles, lasers-the works!! The two robots looked different on the outside though-one looked like the older model of the Ropponmatsu, and the other looked like a giant Puchuu. But it was no doubt-that both of these robots were made at the hands of the greatest (yet pervey-est) scientist of all-Gojo Shioji!!!
By the time the characters recovered from the shock of seeing these two robots, the group of Puchuus was already making their way into the machine to operate it, to kill Jay and Silent Bob, and any other people who got in their way!
"Holy fuck dude!" feared Jay
"I somehow doubt that we are going to survive this…" said Silent Bob in his subtitled way
Watanabe, Iwata and Sumiyoshi were already in 'panic' mode-they may be from the department of city security-but they have NEVER faced anything like this before. Misaki tried to call Kabapu in order to request his guidance in his situation, but he was engaged
"OH CRAP! THIS DOESN'T LOOK GOOD WHAT-SO-EVER! WHAT SHALL YOUR EXCEL DO? PLEASE HELP ME LORD ILPALAZZO!"
"EVERYBODY CLAM DOWN!!!!" screamed Yomiko, the other characters froze immediately and looked in her direction. To their surprise, they saw a giant paper airplane parked right next to her.
"I have a plan that is surely to work. But I'm going to need all of your co-operation." Agent Paper stated
"Woah look at that! How did you make that?" the boys stared in wonder
"You thought of a plan in a matter of seconds?" Misaki asked
Yomiko tutted, "No silly, I'm an agent! I know better than to just simply STAND there and listen to the enemy's crappy excuses to destroy the world!"
The others looked rather confused, Yomiko decided to fill in the gaps;
"Look…I've read too many James Bond and other detective stories-as well as battle countless bad guys and completed too many missions to know, that when some baddie to bragging on about his 'master' plan or when he's giving his 'reasons' for destroying the world, that you DON'T just stand there and listen! In the time you're taking into listening to the enemy's crappy speech-you could be captured or killed! When REALLY you should be executing you're plan to stop them!" You have to admit, she's got a point! (I hope you're reading this, fellow agents…and Pierce Brosnan)
"While all of you (and that includs you-readers!)" Yomiko says to the forth wall, "were wasting time, I spotted the 2 giant machines and have already come up with a plan to save Jay and Silent Bob's lives and to disable the robots!" Yomiko gloated, and the others looked rather impressed-Excel, was however red in the face with anger, and her eyes were burning with jealousy. Hyatt, on the other hand gazed upon Agent Paper lovingly, "That's my Yomiko!" she says
"My plan is sure to work, but we have to work together!"
"NO WAY! I'M NOT WORKING WITH YOU GEEK!" Excel turned her back on the group and crossed her arms to stand her ground
"Come on Excel," Yomiko asked, "I know that we have our differences, we don't get along and that I think you are the most annoying and pathetic agent of all time…but in my plan…I really need you…"
Excel wasn't really thrilled about the idea, but what choice did she have? Her Lord Ilpalazzo's City of F was in danger by the giant robots-she had to defend her Lord's city, for her love and loyalty towards him is forever and strong…
"…Ok, but I better be of GOOD use!"
"And for us too!" said two unknown voices, two men jumped unto the scene and landed next to Yomiko.
"Pedro! Sandora!" said Excel
"We are two of the legendary 'Afro Brothers'! We came to lend you our power! We have swam across seas-" started Sandora
"And defeated scary looking sharks…" Pedro felt the need to add in
"…in order to get here, to save the lives of Jay and Silent Bob!"
Jay and Silent Bob were enjoying this, despite the circumstances that a group of cute creatures wanted to kill them; they liked the idea of anime characters willing to sacrifice their lives for them! Yomiko was grateful for the extra help and they huddled together to hear her plan
"Ok so what is our objective?" asked Pedro
"We have to save Jay and Silent Bob's lives by first destroying those giant killing robots…" Pedro didn't notice them before and jumped when he saw one standing right behind him
"WHAT?! GIANT KILLING ROBOTS? NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Poor predictable Pedro...
Wow, that was a long one. Hope it was good enough. Review review REVIEW! Chapter 11 up soon I hope, where the ultimate battle begins!
Lilith Darkstorm