"Here's your tea," a slim hand placed a cup into Naomi's frail hand but guided it down to the tray in front of her. She was weak. Very weak. The process had been on and off for a few days. Some energy here and some weakness there; however, today was different. Sarah had been monitoring her intake of medication, chemotherapy, and vitals. Nothing was changing. Like a small standstill radiated around her that caused no progress. She waited for the visiting hours to open. Once Emily entered the room, whether Naomi remembered her or not that day, her face would brighten up. Just like a social memory spreading through her mind. Naomi knew she was supposed to be happy seeing Emily's face, but often questioned why or who she was? Those days broke Emily's heart, but she concealed it with a fake smile and a teary eye. Sarah would leave the room, but it never made it any easier.
It was getting more difficult each time. Convincing Naomi that she was dating her. Convincing Naomi that they were best friends. Convincing Naomi that they even knew each other was just as tiring. Emily often brought photos of their travels, reminisced about their inside jokes, and how much they said they loved each other. Even some plans for the future; but, Naomi only stared quizzically. Her blue eyes still dwindling with hope and wonder. Naomi wanted to understand. She wanted to remember and know the things Emily was speaking about, but it was all fog. Everything. Every little memory before the hospital was now fog.
"There's got to be something we can do…" Emily chewed her nails nervously while gazing through the window of Naomi's room. Sarah had given the same advice time and time again, but Emily knew it wasn't working. Constant reminders and stories. It was all becoming fiction before Emily's eyes. Her fingers were raw. Her mouth cut up. Everything was crashing slowly, which Emily found worse than all at once. She could see the love of her life forgetting her… forgetting them and that hurt more than anything. That hurt more than a terminal illness. "It's the medication, Ms. Fitch, I've told you. It's strong. It keeps her sedated most hours and forgetful. Memory loss, but not forever." Sarah squeezed Emily's shoulder and she nodded with a tiny sniff.
From what she had learned, the other patients weren't doing so well either. Another few had finished treatment a little too early and ended up with a white sheet over them. Emily couldn't stop seeing it before her eyes. One minute a happy laughing Naomi with her poof-ball hat on and pale and lifeless the next. She rubbed her eyes to get the image out, but it stayed. It always stayed. Like her subconscious was preparing for her to grieve before it was even time to. Saying goodbye early was another hurtful feeling. Not as bad as heartbreak. Not as bad as someone forgetting her either. But still bad enough to tug at her heart.
On today's evening, Naomi didn't say much. She read a book on the same page that she had been stuck on for a week's time, she didn't remember why she was there, and more importantly, her illness was spreading. Emily had to keep holding that sense of hope. Sitting in the corner of the room with her hands to herself just watching Naomi struggle with a page of a book. It was terrible. Naomi was disintegrating before her eyes. This wouldn't be who she wanted to be; Emily knew that. She wouldn't want to be a brain dead, bed ridden, idiot that couldn't remember how to fucking read. Then again, this was all Emily's idea wasn't it? Emily tapped her fingers nervously and smelled the overly sterile room with discomfort. Naomi threw her book onto the floor, which caused Emily to jerk her eyes upward. "Fucking book," her spark was back for a second. Naomi crossed her arms and fell to her back with a thud. "What's the matter?" Emily asked quietly from the corner.
"It's terrible. A terrible book. None of it makes sense." She huffed and Emily stood with her flats on the ground. "Well let me take a look." Emily picked up the book and chuckled. "Well… the book is terrible because you hate this book, Naoms."Naomi looked up puzzled and grabbed the cover to see. "I've never read this book…" Her eyes grew concerned and Emily did what she always did. "You did in college, The Catcher in the Rye? You always thought Holden was a whiney teenager that wanked too much." Emily smiled holding the ends of the book while Naomi shifted through her mind. "Oh… I guess, yes." Naomi touched her chin perplexed that she didn't remember that exact fact. "Uhm, Emm… Emma?" Naomi stuttered. Emily shook her head. "Emily. You know me too." Naomi nodded, like she was supposed to. She did every time Emily had to correct her on previous knowledge.
"How do I know you, again?" Her voice sounded distant and befuddled. Emily took a seat on the edge of the bed, flipping mindlessly though the pages. "We met in primary. A long while ago. Do you remember?" Emily asked with a tinge of hope. Naomi shook her head slowly. She grabbed the side of her scalp and winced. "Headache?" She nodded. Emily stood up and reached for Naomi's pills. Antibiotics, fever reducer, etc. Why didn't they have a memory toggler? Emily placed the two large sized pills into Naomi's hand with a glass of water from her bedside. She swallowed them easily; too easily. She used to hate taking the medication. "I'm kind of glad you don't remember this you know?" Emily smiled innocently to herself. "I snogged you when we were about… 13 or… no… 15? My sister thought it was you, but… I told her I was on pills and well… I just wanted to kiss you." Naomi's face reddened slightly and her lips curled into the smallest smile. It made Emily rest easy seeing her react to the story positively.
"Then what?" Naomi asked with her hands folded in her lap patiently. "Well… we didn't speak for a long while until College. You probably hated me, but I knew I needed to speak to you again. Which we did, it was nice. You were nice… sometimes." Emily flipped the cover of the book with her finger thinking about how terrible the entirety of their relationship was. Up until the past few years, it was a struggle with admitting and honesty. It felt good to relive the past, but not if Naomi couldn't remember it. "We kissed?" Naomi questioned while Emily nodded. "Yeah, at a party," Naomi shook her head. "No, no. There was a lake." She looked up at Emily. Their eyes swam the same current across each other. Reliving that moment they expressed some sort of feeling for each other in the woods that night. It might have been sarcastic at first, but damn it felt good. Naomi's neck turned a pinkish red. "Are you embarrassed?" Naomi's brow wrinkled quickly and she shook her head smiling.
"No-No! No… well, it feels like a dream." Of course it felt that way. Emily scratched under her jaw to think. "It did feel like a dream I guess. It's what I always wanted. To be with you." Her voice grew smaller. Why was it so much easier to admit these things to Naomi now? Maybe because she was turning into a stranger. "You wanted to be with me?" Naomi asked, hugging her knees to her chest under the thin blanket. "Yeah, for a long time actually. It felt normal, you know? We felt like better people.." Emily's voice trailed after it cracked. She didn't want to be too emotional because of this instance."Are we still together?" Naomi asked, but Emily paused. She wasn't sure how to answer it. She wanted to say yes, but Naomi's face looked troubled. "What do you want, Naomi?" The girl's blue eyes traveled down the sheet toward Emily's hand; as if it were familiar to grab it and rub her thumb across her skin. However, she didn't. She felt out of the ordinary. How could she feel so comfortable with someone she barely remembered? Her headache was back.
"What do you mean?" Naomi finally asked back with her eyes darkening to a shade of grayish blue. "Would you like to be with me still?" Emily asked. Her brown eyes settled on Naomi's pale hands, wondering the same thing. "I want you to be happy, Emily." Naomi's voice sounded confident, but broken to pieces. "Are you happy?" Naomi asked, tilting her head to reach Emily's eyes. She didn't look too happy. Waiting day in and day out for Naomi to get better. It had been a few months and California was getting lonelier by the second. "I'm not sure," Emily finally answered. "Would you be happier without me?" Naomi asked. Emily felt her heart sinking. Was this a break up? How could this happen? Naomi didn't know her anymore— that felt more like the end of the world, but this was frightening.
"You don't have to be with me if you don't want to be, Emily." Naomi pulled her hat off and revealed her shorter hair; slowly making it's way back. The light brown peeking through past her ears. "Naomi." Emily reached for her hand but the reaction was delayed on Naomi's part. Emily's hand cupped hers and her fingers didn't curl until Emily almost pulled away. It felt so foreign to Naomi. Most of this did; though, she felt something there. Something she couldn't place inside her head.
"Emily," Naomi stated in the same tone. "You deserve to be going on with your life. I believe everyone should, right?"Emily reluctantly nodded. "You talk about your internship in… New York, yeah? Go. Go to it." Naomi voiced with confidence. She had faith in Emily, but what Emily didn't have was faith in her own self. That's where Naomi always supplied the work and built her heart up for it. "I can't just—" Naomi handed Emily her hat and closed her hand around it."You can. You can do anything." Naomi smiled but Emily's lip trembled. "I'm going to miss you, though." She knew it would have to come to this. Naomi was fading away; she was right, Emily couldn't wait forever, but she didn't want to accept it. She loved her with all her heart, but she knew she had to let this go.
"I'll still be here, Ems," the tone of her voice sounded familiar. Like her subconscious broke free and told Emily that everything would be okay. "B-But what if you're not? What if you're not here, Naomi?" Emily stuttered with tears welling to the corners of her eyes. Naomi shrugged. "People die, I'm a person. You're alive and well so enjoy it." Emily sunk lower into her slouch. Everything she was saying was exactly what her girlfriend would say. The tint of old Naomi still hid under the surface; even if she felt like she was speaking to a stranger. "You can do anything, Emily. You don't need me for it." A tear rolled down Emily's cheek, hitting the blanket by Naomi's foot. Naomi was granting her freedom, but it was the last thing she wanted. She knew this was a Naomi decision, not a stranger sitting across from her trying to hurt her. Emily opened the hat and rubbed her thumbs across the fabric. She turned and placed it back on Naomi's thin face and smiled while she touched her chin. It was hard to deal with, but she still refused to leave her for good. "I think I'll go home for a bit. See my sister." Naomi nodded with her lips tucked and a small smile.
"Good." The last words she heard out of Naomi's mouth before she left. Emily came by the next morning to say goodbye before her flight, but she was out cold. She stared through the window, then back at her watch for at least an hour. Sarah told her she would be in good hands, but Emily still felt she needed to be there at all hours. Naomi looked worse today than yesterday. "You'll tell me when it gets bad?" Sarah looked at Emily sympathetically. "Emily, it's already bad." Her eyes welled again, putting her hand on the glass. "I can't leave her though." Emily's voice wavered and she shivered scarcely."She wants you to go, if you keep coming by she'll remember." Emily swallowed the lump in her throat. "My flights in an hour," was the only sentence she could spit out. "You have five minutes then." Sarah whispered and unlocked the door for Emily to walk inside.
She could see the weak breathing under the sheet and Naomi's head tucked away under her hat. Emily pulled a frame from her bag and set it on the table next to the bed. Their first picture together. Their first time admitting they were together. Their first step to saying they loved each other. Emily pulled Naomi's hat up just a tinge so she could kiss her forehead goodbye. "I'll miss you, Naomi." She whispered and touched her cheek. Soft, cold, pale. "I love you." Her voice wavered and cracked when she stood up. "Ms. Fitch," Sarah poked her head through the door and smiled sympathetically. "Your flight." Emily nodded and walked out, taking one last look at her girlfriend. She didn't want to remember her this way; she wanted to remember the smiling and laughing. She wanted to remember the intelligent conversations, the epic rants of politics and feminism, she wanted to remember Naomi for who she really was, not this lifeless person that was barely breathing.
Emily turned herself off for the flight home. Over 16 hours, she stared at the seat in front of her. The image of Naomi still burring it's way into her mind. She would do anything to change it. Anything. Emily stepped off the plane exhausted and seeing Katie wave her hand in the air like she was a blind individual. She yelled and called, happy as could be to see her sister after three or so months gone. Katie was smart, knowing she shouldn't ask any questions beside how Naomi was doing, once. Emily said she was okay so they didn't have to speak about it. They sat in her car and Emily closed her eyes, letting her imagination figment that Naomi used to be. Strong, confident, sensual, passionate, and the love of her life. She vowed to not stay home long; she also vowed to return to her internship in New York, but what Naomi didn't know was that Emily vowed to always love her, no matter what happened.