Author's Note
Once again, I must apologize for the delay in this chapter being uploaded. You'd think I could get it out on time, seeing as I've already written the whole story but no... Seriously, though, I'll do better next Sunday.
Also, this chapter begins with part of a completely different story. Stick with it, though; normal service will be resumed after a few paragraphs.
On with the story!
Chapter 10: The Epic Adventures of Genevieve, Warrior-princess of Sweden
Genevieve sat glumly in the airship's moonlit observation deck, absentmindedly picking bits of gooseberry conserve out of her ceremonial purple wig. It had all been such a rush, and now she was feeling quite upset; fending off the Dark Lord's cybernetic zombie legions always took it out of her.
The polished teak door opened quietly behind her, letting in the warm light of the oil lamps and allowing a young man, his face indistinguishable in the darkness of the observation room, to come in.
"I thought I'd find you here, Gen. What're you doing?" He spoke with a soft Norwegian accent.
Genevieve sighed, turning to face the man. "Oh, I'm bicycling to Albania. You?"
"I couldn't sleep. I thought I'd see what you were up to," replied the man, opening the door a little wider. Light illuminated him, and there was no mistaking his spiky green mohawk; this was Lionel, her half-brother and only real friend.
"Oh, right," said Genevieve, shuffling over on the wooden bench to let Lionel sit next to her. They sat in silence, staring out over the vast, snowy mountain vistas liberally sprinkled with pine trees, until Genevieve decided to broach a subject that had been troubling her for quite some time now.
"Do you think I'd be any good at knitting?" she asked. "It's just it's getting rather chilly now, and there's no warm clothing on board."
"In all honesty, I think you'd be absolutely dreadful at it," said Lionel matter-of-factly.
"Well, I'll give it a try anyway," declared Genevieve.
Suddenly, there was an almighty, tearing crash, and the airship rocked dangerously. Lionel fell on top of Genevieve, and it took them a good few seconds to get upright. They immediately wished they hadn't.
"Prepare to die!" said an unnaturally deep voice, emanating from the larynx of a tall, muscular cyborg zombie that had just burst through the wall, brandishing a heat-seeking battle-axe.
"Oh, really? I'll have you know this is Princess Genevieve von Bravenhearten, the second greatest swordfighter this side of the Swiss alps!" declared Lionel.
"You know all the lines, don't you?" said Genevieve calmly, reaching for her sword. It wasn't there. "On the other hand, I may have forgotten my sword, so… um…"
The hulking robotic undead monstrosity thingy advanced towards them, growling with delight at the prospect of ripping two unarmed people to shreds, when suddenly the white-hot blade of a nano-saber was poking through its chest. It shrieked in pain, falling slowly and dramatically to the ground. Behind its corpse stood Lady Tabitha Heterodactyl, the greatest swordfighter this side of the Swiss alps. Her smoking nano-saber was held tightly in a gloved hand, the other of which hung casually from her arm.
"Lionel! Gen! I thought I'd find you here," she said calmly.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Lomadia, what the flip is going on?! That's no' what happened! I mean, Tabitha doesnae even arrive 'till chapter four! Everyone knows Lionel covers the zombie's eyes with Theodora's wig while she uses some wire from her bra tae dig oot its mind control chip," declared Nilesy.
"I'm just trying to make the story realistic. There's no way those two could've fought off the zombie-cyborg-thingy unarmed!" said Lomadia defensively.
"Honestly, it's bad enough all those teenagers addin' two-dimensional self-inserts tae fulfil their adolescent fantasies wi'oot you tryin' tae make it realistic!" complained Nilesy.
"It's a remake! I can do what I want!," protested Lomadia.
"The Epic Adventures of Genevieve, Warrior-princess of Sweden's a classic! You can't just waltz in and change a classic," argued Rythian.
"Can too!" countered Lomadia. "It's called 'making a realistic adaptation', and it's been done hundreds of times."
"And just what do you mean by realistic?" Zoeya piped up. "We have a talking dinosaur archer right here with us, you created and ran an owl sanctuary all by yourself until you met Nilesy, five of our friends built a Jaffa cake factory all by themselves, me and Rythian make a point of breaking the laws of physics at least once before breakfast every day, there are Creepers, Endermen, giant spiders, undead, dragons, Elementals, gryphons, golems, chimaeras, serpents, three-headed dogs, and those yellow-and-brown horses with the massive necks all over the place! Nothing in any story you read could be less realistic than our lives!" she ranted.
"Actually, those yellow-and-brown horses are just giraffes. There's nothing magical about them," Rythian pointed out.
"Sh'yeah, right! As if they could hold their necks up without magic!" Zoeya dismissed him.
"WHAT?! You dare to 'sh'yeah, right!' your master?!" cried Rythian.
"If I might just interject," said Teep, making a placating hand gesture, "ve are supposed to be making an escape plan, ja?"
"I suppose so, but it's so boring in here none of us can concentrate," Norbert pointed out. After three long days, the six were still tied up in the same large tent, although somebody had consented to drape an old tweed blanket over Lomadia's more personal bodily accoutrements, and Rythian and Zoeya had done what magical healing they could without actually moving. The Elementals had given them frugal yet moderately nourishing meals, but they tasted like wet cardboard, so the party was getting rather desperate to escape.
"Okay," said Nilesy, "Suppose one of yez set yersel' on fire tae burn through the ropes, then knock oot the guards when they come tae feed us, untie the rest of us, we steal their weapons and fight our way tae-"
"Um, let me just stop you there," said Rythian carefully. "We set ourselves on what?"
"Fire," Nilesy confirmed. "It's a perfectly simple spell, no' at all painful if ye do it properly."
Rythian and Zoeya looked at each other. The other three looked at Nilesy.
"You never taught me anything like this," said Zoeya dubiously.
"That's because I don't know anything like this," Rythian explained.
"Oh. I know how tae do it, but I'm no' any good at magic," said Nilesy glumly.
"Tell them how, then," suggested Norbert, pointing to the two magicians.
"I'm no' any good at teaching, either!" Nilesy pointed out.
"So that's it, then?!" cried Lomadia. "We're just gonna sit around while Ĕħîøłþĵæç destroys the world?"
Elismaeroth burst into the tent, brandishing a half-eaten chicken drumstick she'd forgotten to put down in her haste.
"What did you say?!" the mighty Elemental demanded. "What do you know of Ĕħîøłþĵæç?"
Lomadia glared at her. "I'm not telling you a bloody thing, you motherf-"
"Shut up, Lomadia!" shouted Nilesy quickly. "This could benefit us."
"It may well," agreed Elismaeroth. "But before we get into that, tell me everything."
"It's a long story," Rythian pointed out.
"Then speak fast," suggested Sariorka, emerging through the door-flap behind Elismaeroth.
"Okay. Well, it all started when…" began Rythian.
"…And that is the complete story of how we came to know Ĕħîøłþĵæç, and our quest to bring about his destruction."
There was a pause.
"Wow!" commented Elismaeroth.
"Let me get this straight: you have the only weapon capable of killing Ĕħîøłþĵæç?" asked Sariorka.
"Correct," said Rythian.
"And you were planning on using it for that very purpose?"
"Correct."
"Well, what a coincidence!" said Sariorka. "Hey, you out there! Untie them and get the woman with the blanket some clothes!"
A few Elementals listening in from outside the tent hastened to obey. Lomadia was given back her original clothes, and the Elementals led the party out into the afternoon sun. Soon Teep, Zoeya, Nilesy, Rythian, Norbert and a fully-clothed Lomadia were sitting on comfortable chairs at the end of a long metal banqueting table under a sunshade emblazoned with stylised bolts of lightning, having an animated discussion over creamy scones and glasses of port.
"…So anyway, if we all rushed at Ĕħîøłþĵæç and kept him distracted, you could slip past his defences and kill him?" asked Elismaeroth.
"Probably," replied Rythian non-committaly. "Aren't you worried about Ĕħîøłþĵæç killing lots of your soldiers before I take care of him?"
"They'll be all right. What matters is how soon Ĕħîøłþĵæç dies," Sariorka reassured him.
"Just out of curiosity, what happens if something happens to Rythian?" asked Norbert.
"We improvise," replied Elismaeroth.
"Now, hang on!" began Rythian. "I don't intend to-"
"That's settled then!" declared Sariorka, standing up and adopting a heroic speech-making pose. "Lend me your ears, gentlemen!"
"Ahem," coughed Elismaeroth, gesturing to Lomadia, Zoeya, herself, and all the female Elementals at the table.
"And ladies!" added Sariorka. "Today is a momentous day. For the first time in Lightning Elemental history, we fight and die alongside our hated enemies! Ever since the fateful day we decided to practise on a remote owl sanctuary nobody would miss, these six people and their currently missing storage chest have been our prey, but no more. Ĕħîøłþĵæç must die, and with their help we shall accomplish that! By the power of lightning and the sharpness of the Sword of the Mushroom King, the Demon of Fire will be no more! Never again will he cast a shadow over our world!"
"Hooray!" cheered the assembled Elementals.
"Hooray!" agreed the party of sword-finders.
"Make for the cloud-ships! We fly at once to Blackrock Stronghold, to war, to glory, to death, and to the doom of Ĕħîøłþĵæç!" ordered Sariorka.
"What's a cloud-ship?" whispered Zoeya.
"You'll see," replied an Elemental.
Talking and joking amongst themselves, the army of Lightning Elementals made their way to the cloud-ships in a short column, although a few stayed behind to pack up the table and the chairs in the Ethereal Storage Realm. Led by Elismaeroth and Sariorka, they proceeded in single file back through the secret tunnel out of the pocket universe. The state of the abandoned castle they arrived in, however, none could have expected. It was ruined. The walls were crumbling and had great chunks missing, fallen sandstone masonry littered the ground and several small fires were still burning in the wreckage.
"We thought there might be some enemies in here, so… y'know…" explained Elismaeroth.
"Oh," said Lomadia, gazing ruefully at the once glorious sandstone architecture reduced to smoking rubble.
After a quick roll-call to see if nobody had been cast into the depths of Limbo (always a danger during transdimensional travel), the group left the fortress of the Desert Kings via the front door, which had been widened to admit a column of Elementals twelve abreast. The sight which met them was perfectly normal for most of the army, but incredible for the sword-finders.
Before them were several flat, lozenge-shaped vehicles of dark grey metal surrounded by black mist, floating a few metres above the ground with rope ladders hanging from open hatches in their hulls. Nobody doubted for more than a second that these were the cloud-ships. The column of Lightning Elementals split up and ascended the ladders a few at a time, while Elismaeroth, Sariorka, Rythian, Zoeya, Lomadia, Nilesy, Teep, Norbert and a few of the fiercer Elementals climbed into the largest cloud-ship.
"I hope you're suitably honoured, this is one of our best battleships!" Sariorka pointed out as they climbed.
"Oh, ve're deeply honoured," Teep assured him, bowing graciously to prove his point, which is no mean feat on a ladder.
Entering the cloud-ship was like stepping through a portal into another world, not unlike Princess Genevieve von Bravenhearten's. The floor was made of varnished mahogany planks with a curved white skirting board leading to beige plastered walls. Eternal Flames hung down from the ceiling, bathing the corridor in warm light, and the soft, plush carpet squashed pleasantly underfoot as the two commanding Elementals gave the sword-finders a tour of the ship. They showed them the plush, four-poster bunk beds where the Elementals slept, the old oak table and leather armchairs of the mess hall, the hustle and bustle of the kitchen, the sumptuously upholstered rumpus room, and then the armoury.
Lomadia, Nilesy and Norbert borrowed some of the mithril armour Elementals wore into battle, and at Sariorka's insistence the entire party borrowed some leather winkle-pickers, which no Lightning Elemental would be seen dead without. The Elemental warriors took a few minutes to equip themselves, then continued the tour, finishing up in the bridge. It was a large, round room dominated by a circular table, on top of which was a glowing blue sphere surrounded by floating symbols. It was constantly monitored by a few Elementals, one of whom also had to look through the wide bay window at the front of the ship. Six small pine desks topped with globes, books, maps and smaller blue spheres were arranged around the central table, and holes in the outer walls allowed long steel tridents to poke through. These would fire lightning at enemies during battle, and be used to make toast during peacetime (i.e. never).
"Wow!" breathed Zoeya, Teep, Nilesy, Lomadia, Norbert and Rythian simultaneously.
"Like it? The previous captain wanted polished white metal, glowy blue things and bleeding-edge technology all over the place, but me and him prefer rustic charm," explained Elismaeroth, putting an arm around Skariorka's shoulder.
"Bleeding-edge technology? You mean this is science?" asked Rythian suspiciously.
"Rythian…" said Zoeya, in the warning voice only wives or girlfriends can achieve.
"Shut up, Zoeya," said Rythian, in the completely fearless voice powerful wizards can generally achieve in such circumstances. "Is it, or is it not, scientific?"
"It's both magical and scientific," replied Sariorka.
"What?! But that's cheating!" cried Rythian.
"Shut up, Rythian!" said Teep quickly, remembering how fierce Lightning Elementals could be if you insulted them.
"But… but… but… but… but…" blustered Rythian.
"Shut up, all of you! We've arrived!" declared Elismaeroth.
"Already?!" cried Nilesy, rushing over to the window and taking a jolly good look outside. The others quickly joined him, and they were indeed approaching Blackrock Stronghold, or what was left of it. The time-stop had petered out a while ago, and the blue fire blazed up to the sky, stretching for half a mile around the stricken stronghold.
"Look how big it's got!" cried Zoeya.
"But how did we get here so fast?" pondered Nilesy.
"The cloud-ships have Unreal Engines. They're not real, so the laws of physics don't apply to them, meaning they can generate infinite energy," explained Elismaeroth.
"How can that possibly work?!" demanded Rythian.
"Trade secret," replied Sariorka.
"Um, captains, I'm sensing some powerful magic down there…" said a worried Elemental.
"'Captains'?" repeated Zoeya.
"We're twins," explained Sariorka.
"Him and me," agreed Elismaeroth. "What sort of magic?"
"The dangerous sort," replied the worried fellow.
"Well, that doesn't get us very far!" said Elismaeroth, slightly miffed.
There was a loud, roaring boom from outside, and the cloud-ship reeled backwards, shaking from the impact. Red warning thingies flashed into existence on the glowing blue spheres, and were quickly heeded, sending almost all the bridge crew rushing off to deal with damage.
"What's happening?!" wailed Zoeya, grabbing the nearest thing to hand, which was Teep.
"How should I know?" replied the dinosaur, politely removing his tail from her grip. Sariorka lifted Nilesy, Norbert and an Elemental to their feet and rushed over to the front of the bridge.
"Man and/or woman the cannons!" he ordered, remembering Elismaeroth's polite cough. Most of the remaining Elementals took up positions beside the lightning-casting tridents, readying themselves to do some serious damage to anything not insulated, leaving only three to watch the glowing blue control spheres and one more to communicate with the other cloud-ships.
That one more was Elismaeroth, so she reached up into the ceiling, pulling down something looking suspiciously like a plastic cup with a string in the bottom. She spoke into it in a calm but urgent voice:
"Attention, everybody! We've arrived at Blackrock Stronghold and are under heavy fire. All first-class battlecraft, focus all your lightning on Ĕħîøłþĵæç and his forces. All second-class battlecraft, escort the landing crafts to the ground. All landing crafts, be escorted to the ground by the second-class battlecraft and deposit your entire complements of soldiers. All third-class battlecraft, surround the command ship and soak up incoming damage. Move out!"
This said, Elismaeroth strode purposefully over to Rythian, Zoeya, Teep, Nilesy, Lomadia and Norbert, who were standing around like bumps on logs with no idea what was going on.
"Come on, or we'll be late for the battle!" she said, taking Rythian by the hand and leading him and the others back along the Eternal Flame-lit corridors to the same metal hatch through which they had come in. Down below, the fire-blackened ground was swarming with indistinct figures wearing red armour and tall, lavishly decorated top hats.
"Who are zat lot?" asked Teep, pointing down at the indistinct figures.
"Fire Elementals," replied Elismaeroth. "They always got on well with demons, and we're the only Elementals who could stand up to them." She sighed, then seemed to perk up a bit. "Still, I won't be out of a job any time soon!" Elismaeroth drew her sword, gave the party a cheery wave, and jumped out of the cloud-ship.
"Did she just…?" asked Lomadia, in disbelief.
"Don't worry, we Lightning Elementals can be very resilient during long falls," said Sariorka, who had just arrived behind them.
"We're not," Norbert pointed out.
Zoeya thought for a moment.
"Three of us have flight rings, yes?"
"We do," agreed Rythian.
"And the other three don't?"
"Yep," concurred Lomadia.
"So why don't me, Lomadia and Rythian fly you three down?" suggested Zoeya.
"That's a brilliant idea!" Rythian declared.
"I know!" said Zoeya gleefully, Empowering her flying ring.
"Now, vait just a minute!" protested Teep as Zoeya lifted him up onto her back.
"I'm no' comfortable with this!" wailed Nilesy.
"Don't worry, all we're doing is carrying three people down from a cloud-ship miles up above the ground to the waiting army of Fire Elementals to kill a nigh-invincible demon with a magic sword! What could possibly go wrong?" Zoeya reassured them.
"Do you vant ze list?" asked Teep.
"No, thanks," replied Zoeya.
Lomadia, Rythian and Zoeya lined up in front of the hatch. Zoeya looked over her shoulder at Rythian, blew him a kiss, and leapt forth unto the blue yonder.
"Geronimo!" she shouted, then "Aaaaaaaaargh!" as her flight ring completely failed to support her and Teep, and finally "Phew…" once the magic got up to speed, and her and Teep's fall slowed to a gentle, harmless descent. Below them were hundreds of Lightning and Fire Elementals, making quite a light show with their Elemental powers. The already scorched ground was taking a real beating, and poorly aimed fireballs and lightning flew off in all directions.
In the centre of it all was Ĕħîøłþĵæç, surrounded by a blindingly bright corona of magic and lightning. Countless lightning bolts fired by the cloud-ships schismed down through the air to strike at him, only to flow around his body and earth themselves in the remains of Blackrock Stronghold. Ĕħîøłþĵæç fought back with his azure blue fire, sending great streams of it up to strike at the cloud-ships, melting through metal and blasting away the clouds. It was like a cross between a fireworks display, a rock concert and an alien invasion.
Zoeya landed gently, but nevertheless the sudden weight of her plus Teep on her relaxed legs came as a bit of a shock, and the Fire Elementals managed to get the drop on her. Four sizzling fireballs struck her armour, sending her flying into Rythian and Norbert, who had just landed. Rythian reacted instinctively, lashing out at the nearest person, which was Elismaeroth. She cried out in shock and the bolt of lightning she was preparing went wide, striking Lomadia a glancing blow and knocking her and Nilesy to the ground.
Dimly aware of utter chaos around her, Zoeya got shakily to her feet, helping Teep up and retrieving her pickaxe from the Ethereal Storage Realm.
"Is everyone all right?" she asked.
"I am," replied Rythian, "but she's not." He pointed to Lomadia, who lay sprawled on the ground with a smouldering wound on the left side of her torso.
"Oh my gosh!" cried Zoeya. "Lomadia! Say something!"
"Auntie Em? Is that you?" asked Lomadia blearily.
"She's fine," said Nilesy confidently.
There was a series of loud, violent explosions from behind, and the assorted burning shrapnel of several cloud-ships fell to earth around the party.
"Oh, lumme, he's destroying us!" gasped Elismaeroth.
"I certainly am!" came a loud, booming voice, and a terrible figure stepped before her. He stood three metres tall, sky-blue and burning with a similar blue flame. His four long arms were wreathed in the sickly purple colour of dark magic and the blood of the fallen encrusted his feet, and the purple glow of his three eyes was all too similar to the portal to some evil world. It was Ĕħîøłþĵæç.