A/N: I cannot apologise enough for the fact that the next few chapters are basically just saying what happens in the movie. Loki's new role and Malekith's different actions mean that there are slight changes and I pretty much have to write them down, so...sorry.
But once the movie is over we move into some real plot, which will be a lot more interesting, both for you to read and for me to write.
Reviews make ponies smile.
Chapter 10: My, You Are Dull
All through his childhood, Loki had not been the centre of attention, his adopted brother had. When he left home and eventually started his own company, everyone suddenly developed an interest in him, and it had stayed that way until now.
Now he was on the Helicarrier, and he was being upstaged by both Tony Stark and the Tesseract, and he was getting really, really irritated. So he was messing around.
"This attacker of ours is rather dull, do you not think?" Loki said to Tony.
Tony, who was tapping away on a screen, chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, he could have done such a better job with the dramatics. 'I am Malekith. Give me the Tesseract.' That couldn't have been more boring if he'd tried."
"He could have used something more interesting, like 'I am Loki, of London, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.'" Loki said theatrically.
"Nah, I was thinking something a little more demeaning, like 'I am Tony. Kneel down and suck my sceptre.'"
They both started laughing at the dirty jokes when Bruce interrupted them.
"The Gamma rays are definitely consistent with Selvig's reports of the Tesseract." Bruce said as he scanned the staff. "But it's gonna take weeks to process."
Loki was scrutinising it, using his upgraded smartphone to examine the staff more thoroughly. The phone was one of his favourite personal inventions: It was capable of performing nearly every scan, analysis or program imaginable, and carry out all the functions of Server at Laufeyson Tower.
Tony started using a documentary style voice. "And here we have the elusive Loki Laufeyson, seen in his natural habitat getting hot 'n hard for technology."
Loki was used to the technophile jokes and he ignored Tony. "It is running on energy, of a sort." Loki murmured to himself. Bruce and Tony kept talking while he ran his own tests, most of which benefited their cause in no way.
"All I packed was a toothbrush." Bruce chuckled, looking both at Loki's magic superphone and the multitude of equipment Tony had brought.
Tony smiled back. "You know, you should come by Stark Tower some time. Top ten floors, all R & D, you'd love it. It's candyland."
"Replacing me, are you, Stark?" Loki said, getting him a shock on the butt with the prod Tony was holding. "Ow!"
"Thanks, but the last time I was in New York, I kind of broke...Harlem..." Bruce said.
"Well, I promise a stress-free environment. Low tension. No surprises." Tony said nonchalantly, shocking Bruce on the hip with the prod.
"Ow!" Bruce gasped, turning to look at Tony, who was examining him closely in case of hulking out.
"Stark, no!" Loki said, not wanting to be smashed.
"Hey!" A voice called from the corridor.
"Nothing?" Tony said disappointedly.
"Are you nuts?" Steve said angrily as he walked into the room still wearing his Captain America suit.
"Jury's out." Tony quipped.
Loki sniggered from where he was crouched next to the staff.
"You really have got a lid on it, don't you?" Tony said to Bruce. "What's your secret? Mellow jazz, bongo drums, huge bag of weed?"
"If there is any going around, I could do with some to put up with Captain Patriotism." Loki sighed.
Steve frowned disapprovingly at Loki, who raised his eyebrows. "You shouldn't be using drugs. They're bad for your health. And is everything a joke to you, Stark?"
"Funny things are." Tony shrugged.
"Threatening the safety of everyone on this ship isn't funny." Steve chided. "No offense, Doctor."
Loki's sense of humour tended towards the inappropriate, and he was delicately biting his lip so he didn't laugh in Steve face.
"It's all right." Bruce shrugged. "I wouldn't have come aboard if I couldn't handle...pointy things."
"You're tiptoeing, big man." Tony said affectionately. "You need to strut."
"And you need to focus on the problem, Mr Stark." Steve frowned.
"You think I'm not?" Tony retrieved a packet of something. "Why did Fury call us in, why now? Why not before?"
Loki straightened up to look at Steve. "Stark is correct. Between him and me, we are the two leading authorities on clean energy, and we were unaware of the Tesseract until it was taken. Between the three genii in this room, we have enough brainpower to achieve nearly anything, and yet we were kept in the dark on this. My assumption is that their intentions for the Tesseract may not be wholly innocent."
"You think Fury's hiding something?" Steve said.
"My, you are dull." Loki sighed, continuing with his scans.
"Captain, he's the spy. His secrets have secrets." Tony said, throwing a handful of blueberries into his mouth. Then he turned to Bruce. "It's bugging you too, isn't it?"
"Ahh...I just wanna finish my work here, and..." Bruce said.
"Doctor." Steve said firmly.
After a moment's hesitation, Bruce said "A warm light for all mankind, Malekith's jab at Fury about the cube."
"I heard it."
"Well, I think that was for both Loki and Tony. Even if Barton didn't tell Malekith about the Tower, it was still all over the news, including that Loki helped Tony."
"The Stark Tower?" Steve asked. "That big ugly-" Tony shot him a look "Building in New York?"
"He has your number there, Stark," Loki cackled.
"Cram it, Sparkles."
Loki was getting bored of this conversation, seeing as Steve was mostly interested in talking to Tony. He'd had an idea anyway; the staff was powered by energy from the Tesseract, but so far all his tests supported it could be powered by alternate energies too, including electricity,
Loki might just be obtaining a magic staff in the future.
-O.O-
Things turned to shit shortly after that. Malekith wound up Natasha, SHIELD wound up everyone because they'd been making weapons of mass destruction, Tony wound up Steve while Loki said 'Unf, can you feel the sexual tension?', Steve shouted at Loki, Loki laughed at everyone, then everyone wound up everyone, then Malekith's lackeys found it prudent to blow a hole in the Helicarrier.
Really rude, Loki thought, as he dashed to storage to put his suit on. He really needed a way of putting it on faster than just stripping to his underwear and tugging the suit on. What if someone attacked while he was mostly naked? It wouldn't be a first, but still, it wasn't a pleasant thought.
Bruce hulked the fuck out and came after Natasha, and Loki shocked it to distract it from her, and then it attacked him – Loki was feeling particularly virtuous for not just teleporting away and leaving Natasha to have her neck broken.
Meanwhile Tony and Steve tried to restart an engine that Barton had shut down, hindered a little by Steve's inability to understand any kind of electric device. Had he heard this exchange, Loki would have facepalmed. Or slapped Steve. Probably the latter.
Loki panicked for a second when he realised that this was a plan to get Malekith out while knocking SHIELD to its knees. He teleported to Malekith's containment area, only to see Malekith walking out of his cage.
Loki's brain whirred into overdrive – Malekith had magic, or something like it, the cage didn't just open like that, something seemed wrong with what he was looking at – when someone grabbed him from behind and shoved him into the box.
Malekith, obviously, grinning wickedly. "You are a smart one. You saw through it, didn't you?" He meandered over to the control switches.
Something was stopping Loki from teleporting, and he had a sneaking feeling it was Malekith. He swore, knowing better than to pound on the glass.
"I am almost sorry to do this," Malekith said theatrically. "Your talents are most definitely wasted on a human." With that, he flicked a switch, which opened a gaping maw beneath Loki.
One of Malekith's lackeys in the room dropped to the ground as a familiar monotonic voice said "Move away please."
"Coulson!" Loki said with relief, seeing the agent holding a pistol.
Malekith shot a glance at Loki and drew back a little.
"You like this?" Coulson said, waving a pistol. "You might be tough, but there aren't many living things that can deal with having their head shot in." He cocked the pistol. "You wanna find out? – Auh!" He groaned as a blade pierced through his ribcage with a sickly crunch.
Loki winced as Malekith drew the sceptre from Coulson's chest and left the agent to fell to the ground with a cry.
Malekith just seemed mildly amused by the whole ordeal. He gestured to the blood-soaked tip of the staff before returning to the control panel, flicking a switch, and dropping Loki from the Helicarrier.
-O.O-
Tony finally got himself out from where he'd been stuck in a rotor – thank you, Cap – and helped restabilise the ship while Cap picked off the remaining soldiers.
Natasha beat the pudding out of Barton, who seemed to recall her just as she kicked him for the last time.
Hulk climbed onto a plane and destroyed it. It then exploded, propelling him through the sky.
Fury found Coulson, who'd shot Malekith in the chest before Malekith left, and listened to Coulson's last words.
Then he made the call. Coulson was dead. Everyone froze, crushed in that one moment.
From there, they agreed to work together. Even Barton, as he was free of Malekith's spell.
Barring Loki, who was lying unconscious in a field of flowers like he was starring in bad porn. Again.
-O.O-
Loki let lose a multilingual stream of curses that could make a nun cry as the cage dropped from the Helicarrier. Whatever preventing him from teleporting was still working, and probably would until he got out of range of Malekith.
It was most undignified being tumbled against the walls, hands on his head to hold his helmet on – fuck the failsafe, the suit needed to work without it, he'd fix that as soon as he had the chance – and he was glad Stark couldn't see him as he pushed himself to teleport, sparks fizzling over his body as he tried and failed to escape.
Finally something gave and he willed himself to the outside of the cage, just as it hit a rocky promontory and was crunched to pieces. Loki himself hit the ground with a lot less force, but still enough to throw his helmet off and send him rolling across a grassy field, unconscious, his raven hair full of flower petals.