Thank you once more for reading and an even bigger thanks to those that have reviewed! This is a two chapters for one deal because I will not be able to post tomorrow.
I own nothing, and this will be rated M for language, crude humor, and a bit of innuendo.
Most likely not suitable for work.
Enjoy!
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Eh? I think I have passed this same merchant four times now. It is official. I am lost. Not only am I lost, oh no…that would have been simple enough, somehow in a sea of people half my height; I have become separated from my group.
I could have sworn they were all following me…
I can tell that there is civil unrest between someone named Bhelen and Harrowmont; mostly because they were arguing the moment we stepped into the city. Talk about timing! It's almost like the Maker has orchestrated all of this for my benefit somehow…
Nah. That is just plain crazy talk.
Then I went down to the left and I truly thought that everyone was with me. However, it seems that the swell of the market place has pulled me like a tide away from my companions. Oh well, it is not as if much could happen anyway. I have most of the money…what? They are not touching this money. This money is for emergency purposes only.
Emergencies such as getting me a room in an inn.
I am walking between the stalls clearly at a loss. I look all around me and I can only just sense Alistair. I know he is here but I cannot tell where, because of the taint that is singing out of the Deep Roads. That is what the dwarves call them, and I remember Alistair mentioning them once when we spoke about being wardens. It would seem that one day I will have to journey down them when my end comes.
The Warden's have a worse retirement plan than the Crows, and that is saying something!
I get bumped into by someone from behind and stumble to catch my balance. They shout at me like it was my fault. I am twice your size! It is like walking into a column. How did you miss me? Do you not look where you are going? What a rude little woman! I can't believe no one has come looking for me! For that matter, how is it that my own dog hasn't found me. I hate getting lost!
I circle around once more, but I still can't find anyone. Fine then, I will see what I can learn on my own. I go back the way I came toward the main gate, and cross to the other side. It all looks remarkably the same. Structures all carved into the very stone. It is all very beautiful and a bit intimidating.
The picture of a beer mug catches my eye. Perhaps they went into the tavern? Or at least I think it is a tavern, I would hate to think of what else a place called "Tapster's" would be. Sure enough, it is a tavern. Well, I suppose I could stand one little drink. The road was rather dusty.
And it is better to wait for someone to find me…right? The barmaid is very nice to me as I order an ale for myself. It tastes much different than the alcohol they have at the tower. This is really…earthy. It almost tastes like dirt. I still drink about half of it because I paid for it, and it is still liquid.
Hm. I feel nice and fuzzy now. I no longer care that my so called companions have left me. Even if it was by accident. I bet they don't even miss me! I need more to drink, I am still parched.
I don't know how long I was drinking, or the exact moment when I ordered a round of the finest for everyone in the house happened. I was aware only of paying for my indulgences. We had plenty of money left…why was I worried?
You know, dwarven men are a lot more attractive when you come to Tapsters. Why is that? Oh I can feel the stress of the road just mmmmeeeelllltttt away. I am laughing quite happily at something two drunken men on a stage are saying.
I think they are singing actually. Ha! I have no idea what they are saying. I don't know Dwarvish. That is a funny word…dwarvish. Say it with me….D..w..ar…vi…sh… I snorted at my own wit. Look at those drunk fools! Who would get that sauced? I certainly wouldn't. Nope. Nu-uh.
That girl over there has the most incredibly beautiful eyes…They sort of remind me of Cullen's, You know what? Cullen is actually rather pretty for a man. Can men be pretty? Ha! Pretty man…or boy? Pretty birdie! No. I mean pretty boy. I am snorting into my second beverage now.
I chuckle…birdie…
Weeeellll! That hoity-toity archdemon for no woman waits! Huh…that doesn't seem right. What was I doing? Right I am off to find myself a King! A Dwarvish King! I dissolve into a fit of giggles as I shakily push myself off of my barstool.
Outside of the tavern I am walking. Orzammar is so nice! Everything is so nice! Oh…pretty blinky lights! Hey…there is a door in my way. Move out of the way door! Oh. This place looks so much nicer than the rest of Orzammar! It is so grand and all the little people are dressed so prettily. Ha ha! Birdie!
Some dwarf is shouting. Hey it's not nice to shout. Use your indoor voice! Or are we outdoors? No, we are underground so it must be indoors. Shh! You have to be quiet. I should go in there! I should go in there and tell them that you are shouting.
I will. Shouting is rude. You shouldn't be rude. Rude.
There is a man waiting inside for me. Did you hear that man shouting? He should be using his indoor voice. Huh? Yes, I am the Grey Warden. That's a funny word too. Warden. How did you know I needed soldier's for the Blight? That is fantastic. This will save me so much time! Of course I will help you!
Lord Harrowmont? Sure! I'll go into the proving for Lord Harrowmont. Ha ha. Lord Hairy butt. Where are the provings? Oh ok! I'll be right back!
Hairy Butt!
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To hear Wynne tell it, it was quite a shock to see me standing in the middle of the arena laughing uncontrollably at my opponents. The most embarrassing thing is that, it would seem, I am a better fighter when I am stone cold drunk. Turns out, they were in fact looking for me. They had searched every bit of the diamond district and the merchant district to find me. They didn't think to look inside any establishments for me.
Of-fading-course. I can only cast destructive spells when I am drunk. It would seem that somehow, I managed to cast tempest.
How the fade did I do that?
They had learned of a Grey Warden agreeing to fight in the honor of lord Harrowmont from the Diamond district's news criers. I rub my aching head and whimper as I cannot fix myself with magic. I have drained it all in my battles and used my Lyrium potions as well. Wynne you are worse than the Archdemon…stop talking.
"Imagine our surprise! " Ow! That was louder than need be. Bitch! "To see you standing there trying to go up against four highly trained dwarven soldiers!" I won didn't I? …I did win right? "What were you thinking? That's right you weren't thinking!" I'm near sobbing at the pain in my head. What do they put in their booze? Please Wynne…Please…if anything in you is human, kill me now and end this torment! "Drunk! You went into a fight Drunk!" I didn't know you could reach that octave, or that my ears could bleed.
I whimpered at her. I don't trust myself to speak. They are all glaring at me. Really, you should blame yourselves; who lost me in the first place? Ow! My head!
"If that was a new tactic, I would love to see how it works against the darkspawn." Alistair, now is not the time to be pretending that you are more mature than I am. You just had a smidgen, the tiniest bit, more luck than I. It could easily have been you that simply stopped for a drink.
"What do you have to say for yourself? Hm? Who taught you primal magic? You have never been able to cast anything from outside the school of creation magic since I have known you!" I lean my head against the table they have sat me at, to yell at me. I have no idea. I didn't even know I casted it until you told me. I was never able to master all that lightening and the churning magic…churning…Oh…I am going to be ill. I close my eyes against the wave a nausea that hits me.
"You nearly gave poor Cullen a heart attack!" Shut up you bard wench! I do not need more voices dancing though my head. Where is the veil…I will just rip it and let whatever comes out eat me. Oh…it hurts too much to try. "The poor man! He frantically tried to call out to you as that Piotin Aeducan was attempting to remove your head from your shoulders; and you just wave and say 'Hello Cullen!' as freely as you please!" Oh damn. I did what? I will never drink again. A few weeks ago I would have thought I was saving him the trouble. I think I see two of Zevran. "If you hadn't have stepped forward to greet him, you would have been killed!"
But I wasn't! I just now wish that I was! Oh this is mortifying and I think I can feel the balls of my feet throbbing in time with my head. Maker! "Enough…" I rasp out and the words feel like they are stabbing my eyes over and over. "Zevran…Bed." He seemed to be the only one amused by the turn of events. Wynne had taken great delight, later, in informing me that Zevran had taken bets on if I would survive or perish.
He won a tidy sum of money it would seem.
The elf laughed merrily, laughing is a demon's own invention when you are hung over. "As you wish, my deadly sex goddess." I crinkle my face into a smile, which creates a low and painful throb through my body, but it was worth it. Save me!
"Oh no. You are not getting away that easily." Leave me be you harpy!
"My dear Wynne, perhaps it would be best if she rested after her…exertions, no?" Please ooze enough charm that I can sleep for a few hours. Or for Wynne to heal me. Where is Morrigan? Doesn't she owe me a favor of some sort?
Zevran lifted me up, and I feel his warmth immediately. I am cold and I hurt. He nestles me against his chest and takes me toward one of the rooms we have rented for our stay in Orzammar.
"Was it really that bad?" I grumbled into his armor. I think they must be exaggerating. I couldn't have taken on all of those dwarves by myself.
"Oh no, lovely, it was much worse." His chuckle rumbles through my ear, and I smile in spite of the pain. "You gave us all a scare there, but the way your face lit up and your delightful bosom quivered, was very enticing to watch." Pervert. Thank you though, for caring about me. I will apologize to the others later.
"Are you calling me pretty?" His earlier comment brought to my attention. I looked up at him even though the dim light was nearly blinding.
He winked at me. "Perhaps I am." Aww. If I couldn't feel my skull about to cleave itself in twain, I would hug you for that. He brought me into the room and promised to go fetch Morrigan for me since it didn't look like Wynne was going to be forgiving me any time soon.
I can't believe I had waved to Cullen in the middle of a fight. He is going to kill me.
OoOoOo
I'm not sure if I should be flattered or insulted that Lord Harrowmont thought that my behavior was not out of the ordinary. I really don't know how to feel about that. I had been healed sufficiently by Morrigan and now that it no longer felt like Genlocks were raining arrows down on me, I could function once more. I had returned to find that the man I had spoken to was named Dulin, who was Harrowmonts second in command. It would seem that I had fought in the proving to declare my allegiance to Lord Harrowmont.
….Ok…I am never getting drunk again.
Dulin was quick to inform me that I have delivered a large blow to Prince Bhelen's honor, by besting all of my opponents single handed. I have been trying to figure out how I cast a destructive spell all morning. I have tried, many times and all in vain, to repeat the process. I have ended up with absolutely nothing.
Not even enough of a charge to rival the jolt of electricity that comes from walking across a rug. Fade and Damnation!
Then there was the little fact that Alistair and Cullen are now following me like Templar shadows. I can't even turn around without bumping into one of them. Really guys, I am not going to go running off into battle again. I promise. I swear to the Maker I won't. Hang-over's are killer.
Anyway…back to Lord Harrowmont, who is now asking for another favor. My head is starting to hurt again. I have to go into 'Dust town' and stop a 'Carta' leader named 'Jarvia' for you to have enough political pull, to give me the army which has already been promised to The Grey Wardens?
This is horseshit! Boat loads of horseshit!
But I have to do it in order to spare Orzammar civil war and get my damned army. They had better be the best possible fighters you have. I am not joking. I have no choice but to agree, which I do. Then as soon as that delightful little conversation was over, we headed out Dust Town, where the others had been to before, in an attempt to find me.
I am angry about this whole situation and still mightily embarrassed for my stupidity before. This won't stop me from calling other people stupid, because they are, and I have the age-old excuse that alcohol was involved.
"Do you mind If I ask you a personal question?" I looked back to find Alistair talking to Zevran. He had been so close behind me that I had almost thought he was talking to me.
"You may ask, but I may choose not to answer." Well that certainly seems understandable. There are questions I wouldn't want to answer. Like when Alistair asked me if I had licked a lamppost in winter. Where in the Maker's name would I have found a lamppost at the Tower? I swear sometimes he just doesn't understand.
"Fair enough. Have you... had very many women in your time? I mean... you seem like the sort of man who would..." I blush to the tips of my ears. Are they talking about that sort of thing…in public? There are four females walking right next to them!
"I have indulged from time to time, perhaps, when my interest is not elsewhere." I snorted, his latest interest just so happened to be at Redcliffe castle if I recalled correctly. I had to hand it to the man, he did work fast.
"Right. Well, how do you... woo them? Is there a... technique? Or..." OH MY MAKER! He was going to woo Leliana? Oh this was just too sweet! Alistair is like a big Grey Warden stuffed animal! I peak over at Leliana, who was looking back at me. I wonder if he knows she can hear him.
""Woo them?" Are you quite serious?" Oh! Don't be mean to Alistair! He is the sweetest man! You answer him or I will glyph your man parts to smithereens.
"Er... yes? I don't know what else to call it." Too cute! I bite my lip to keep from giggling.
"So let me get this straight. You have... never wooed? Not once? You are woo-less, as it were?" Alistair is a virgin? Somehow that makes him down right sexy. It is so cute. I should have guessed, he was raised by the Chantry. I just assumed by the stories he had of the Warden's that they would have helped him uh…deflower?...or uh…become a man? What is the correct term for this?
"All right. Bad idea. Never mind." Alistair is blushing more than I have ever seen him, and Zevran is giving him a 'come-hither' sultry look. Oh, this is awesome. I watched him leave my side and walk next to Wynne. "Soooo, what would you do if someone told you that they loved you?" Wow. He is desperate to get some advice. Maybe I should talk to him about Leliana.
"Check their eyesight first, perhaps. Is this someone I should know about?" I laughed before I could stop myself and Cullen looked at me guardedly. I smiled sheepishly at him, Orzammar seems a lot smaller when he is looking at me like I am about to run and jump in a lava pit or something equally fool hardy.
"No. I mean, pretend you're a woman..." I bit the inside of my cheek and suppress the belly laughter that is rolling through me. Oh he is so endearingly awkward!
"I am a woman, Alistair. That shouldn't be too hard, but I'll give it a try." Yes, but you are an evil, naughty, mature woman who is almost as bad as Morrigan, you just won't admit it. I haven't forgotten the events at Redcliffe Wynne, I know what happened. I know.
"Ahhh, that's... not what I meant. Just... pretend you're another woman. And someone told you that they loved you. How would you react?" Oh really, he should just tell Leliana already, I am sure she would love to hear it. She is very pretty after all, and you are handsome it seems like a perfect match. You could tell jokes, and she would sing to you. Eww…too much potential love there for a moment.
"Well, that depends. Does this someone just blurt it out? Do I love them back? I need context." Well, she is a half-crazy bard that openly stares at my chest, and he is a bumbling virgin Grey warden. Enough context? Huh…that's odd. Cullen seems to be listening to their conversation too. He is staring rather hard at Alistair.
"I... I don't know if you love them back. Maybe you do. You've... spent a lot of time with this person." I am so glad he got away from the Chantry in time.
"Perhaps you need to wait for the right moment? You could get her alone in camp, give her a gift perhaps." Hm. I am going to have to stay up and try to spy on this exchange. Oh don't act all superior, just because I'm not getting anywhere doesn't mean I shouldn't get to watch another romance unfold. Besides, maybe Alistair could tell me how one goes about wooing a Templar…er…I mean man. I don't want to woo Cullen, don't be silly.
"Oh, I wasn't talking about me... just... forget I said anything" Cullen looked up sharply at Alistair and paled a little. Huh? Is something wrong here?
Wynne chuckled at him. "As you wish." Meany! Leave the poor man alone!
He forlornly returned to my side and gave me such a sad look. Oh. I think I still have a heart. Damn! Who let you out of the box? I reached out and squeezed his hand and smiled at him. I have no idea what to say at a moment like this.
Cullen must have stumbled because suddenly Alistair was jostled from the side without warning. What was that look for? It was just an accident Alistair.
"Why do the poor not rise up against their betters? This I never understood." Morrigan's distaste draws my attention. Oh…dust town…is a hovel. There is literally filth in every square inch of this place. Disgusting!
I try to hide the look on my face at all the obvious squalor around me. It was…impossible to do. I can't keep the anger out of my walk and I shake with the injustice of it all. The Diamond quarter could easily have housed all of Dust Town in one home and they treated the ones they refer to as 'cast-less' as something less than animals!
This is a far cry worse than the Circle! I feel petty now for getting upset at being crammed into one room with an untold number of my fellow mages, but this, fade this makes me want to kiss Irving's feet. That's never going to happen, but it was a dramatic visual, you have got to give me that.
I found a woman named Nadezda sitting by the one pitiful fire in this whole place. I hate to be snobby, but I want to get this over with as fast as humanly possible. She tells me all about the Carta, about Jarvia, and how those with a cast treat them in such a way that borders on torture.
Then she killed my sympathy by asking for money. My nose itches as I could out the 15 silvers for her troubles. I don't think I like being generous…I am not sure though. I am however, not in a hurry to try it again.
Hm. Now I need a bone token. I try not to think to hard about what donated a bone for the said bone token. Please let it have been a nug. Those things seem to be as copious down here as rabbits are on the surface.
Leliana made me get her one as a pet. I have told her three times now that it is her responsibility. She has to feed it. She has to pick up after it, and if the hairless freaky-rabbit gets killed, I am not getting her another one.
I shake my head, I don't need to ever have children, I am caring for at least four right now. I sigh. We go into the only home in all of Dust Town that seems to be too poor to afford locks. I know, it is weird right? This place is like a living rubbish bin, and yet, only one house doesn't have locks.
Conveniently, that appears to be the one house where some of the very same thugs we are hunting, just so happen to be. I'm sure I will get over the shock one day. The fight is very brief, before the leader cries for mercy. What is wrong with the people of Fereldan? They all bluster about killing us and then you hack off a limb or two and suddenly it's 'Don't kill me! Don't kill me!' Teases, the lot of them.
"By the Stone! What do they teach you on the surface?" Oh the usual crocheting, cooking, spell casting and righting wrongs… "You fight like the bleeding Archdemon." Well aren't you just a pint sized charmer!
I take the bone token and the information. Then we kill them anyway. It might seem heartless…ok maybe a little heartless…but the people I have spoken to, have clearly been terrified by all of these thugs. I don't like bullies.
I think you can see how I resolved that problem. Sickeningly, I don't think it is a nug bone. Eww!
Cullen had been shoving aside all of my targets before they even reach me. This is actually very nice. I don't want a dwarf tackling my, I think you can imagine just how high up one comes to me. Where they would land would require us to be married at the next Chantry.
Eww!Why am I doing this to myself? Gross…
Ok now Nadezda said that this door over here…well it certainly looks suspicious enough…is the hide out door. Well, the bone token fits. Ta da! I grin toothily at my companions. Zevran gives me a flirtatious wink, and Cullen growls at him. Relax Cullen, he is not going to kill me with all of you standing right here. Cullen pushes me behind him and goes in first.
What is going on with that man?
Well, when they say everything down here is made out of stone, they are not kidding. There is not so much as a stick of wood to be found as we descend into a tunnel. A rather large tunnel that just ends in another door. This is not a very cost-effective build if you ask me.
You were asking me right?
There is a group of dwarves with lack-luster weapons just standing in the middle of the room. "What's the password?" Password? I am covered in the blood of your fellow thugs and you are asking me for a damn password? I don't understand dwarves.
"Jarvia sucks lizard eggs?" I can hear a few of my companions giggle and laugh behind me. How's that for a password?
"Looks like we have a martyr boys." No, no, silly thug, I am a mage. Although I guess to you the two do sort of sound alike. Hm.
We erupt into battle, because I was expecting a fight, I was able to throw up a glyph of warding around Cullen. It is the first time that I have ever cast magic on him and I did it without thinking.
What the FADE makes Templars just arbitrarily drain my damn magic! Oh my stomach is trying to claw its way out of my throat. Are those stars I see? Did he smite me? Holy Maker, I think he might have smote me!
Wynne grabs my shoulders to hold me up. It wasn't stars I was seeing, it was my wisp and hers dancing around in the corners of my vision. I hate Templars. I mean it. Ugh! I am so tired of being nauseous! Wynne is pouring delicious lyrium into my mouth.
Wolf tails! That is so much better. I can feel the magic coursing through me again, and it hurts just as much as when Alistair had done it to me so long ago in the Kocari wilds.
"Fool Templar, are you trying to kill the Warden?" Morrigan says caustically.
"What?" Cullen snaps at her as he makes a particularly nasty sweep with his blade. I clutch tightly to my staff trying to summon a healing spell for Alistair. He is losing a lot of blood.
"Watch where you use your dubious…talents…fool." The look of confusion that crosses his face at her words is replaced by horror as he realizes that he had attacked me. "Dwarves do not cast magic. Or have you already forgotten. 'Tis no surprise."
Wynne is helping me keep an archer at bay. I am getting irritated by this, and Sten seems to make short work of the archer. I love having a giant of death with a side of insight. The battle is over shortly and Cullen is at my side in an instant.
Uh…hello…
"I am sorry! I had not thought…" His eyes are looking me over for injuries I think. No need to worry, I am a creation mage Cullen; surely you remember that? Just don't smite me. Smiting the mage is bad. Bad templar!
I smiled at him, I think I must be more injured than I though. I can hear my blood pounding in my ears. Have you always been this close Cullen? "I'm fine."
I can't say why we both looked away, Zevran is whirling his blades around looking slightly unhappy. Then a bright smile paints his face when he sees me looking at him "We are ridiculously awesome."
I laugh. That has to be the best after battle line I have ever heard. I smiled at him "Who could argue with that?" The tension in the group is broken and we are ready to fight again.
They are coming out of the rooms like ants from an ant hill! The little blighters are everywhere! Zevran and Leliana have be priceless at finding and disabling their traps. That is a wonderful thing. Otherwise there would have been crispy-fried mage once or twice.
We found some unfortunate soul in a jail that was made down here. The air was rank with the stench of decay. Yes, it was every girl's dream. A corpse that was a few weeks old was in the cell adjacent to his. I released him after we killed his captors. He was able to run very well for someone who had been caged down here for weeks.
I wonder if he did exercises.
At the last room in this convoluted place; and I thank Andraste that we are almost finished as I am starting to feel like a mouse in a maze, we find Jarvia. She is much more pleasant to look at than I would have expected. I have to say I am slightly surprised. I was expecting some sort of female-man-beast without a soul.
Nope. Just a power-hungry bitch. Those are much easier to kill.
I command Zevran to take her out. He seems displeased by the idea. I'm not taking her on! She'll kill me….good luck though.
"Just get in there! No more questions!" I roared at him as the room exploded into motion.
"Ah. I love it when you are forceful with me." He laughed and disappeared from view. I blinked. Uh…I didn't know he could do that. Alright, I am taking much more care when I bathe now; I don't want to think about whether or not he has been around without my knowledge.
Zevran was not all talk. He is a master assassin. Jarvia lies dead with a snarl gracing her lips. I feel the need to point out that she said I was pretty. Sure it was in the context of 'leave the pretty one alive, I have plans for her.' But a compliment is a compliment!
Maybe my appearance has changed without my knowing it? I only ask because there have been a lot of people who think I am attractive. Being a Grey Warden is rather sexy I suppose.
Damn you Cullen, Like me! Ha ha ha…where did that come from…
We searched the room and found some useable items on the bodies of the fallen. Leliana found a tunnel that lead upward and we followed it…
A wall fell down, and a light caught my eyes as I stared into what looked to be a shop. Fade's bells! What is going on?
"Gah!" AHHH! "By all the beards of my ancestors! How did you… where did you come from?" Oh holy crap you startled me! I am looking at a very upset and confused male dwarf. Uh-oh. I am willing to bet you are the owner of this establishment.
Shit.
"Y-You made a hole in my wall!" I looked behind me. So I did…
I'm not paying for that.
"That hole leads to a tunnel of the Carta's hideout!" Quick thinking Solona! Shift the blame. Shift it.
"It…it does?" Uh-huh. Oh you are in so much trouble when I tell Lord Harrowmont. "Oh sod it! If people find out about this my business will be ruined!" Wait. You expect me to believe that you had no clue that it was there? Oh come on! What did you think was happening when people where randomly coming in and out of your shop without you seeing them! I don't believe you. "They'll think I have something to do with Jarvia!" Well, I already do…so…yeah most likely they will.
This isn't a good day for you, is it? Maybe I should console him?
"Don't worry about it. Jarvia is dead." Huh…him freaking out is not the reaction I was expecting, to be honest. I was sort of hoping for a discount.
"Dead?" Yes, dead. "How?" We killed her. How else would she die? "You…you did, didn't you?" Hey, don't look at me, Zevran killed her, with artful blade work I might add. "And then you climbed out of there into my shop!" Oops, I was looking to avid the 'you caused damage to my shop' conversation again. "Aw, just leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with this!" Really? "And if anyone comes asking, I'm going to tell them you did it!"
I shrug. That was kind of the whole point. But hey, feel free to tell a friend!
OoOoOo
Unbelievable! Simply unbelievable! Go to the Fade Maker! I revoke my previous oath of devoutness, damn you!
I am being forced to go into the Deep Roads and search for a woman who probably died almost two years ago. Why, you may ask? Excellent question! Because dwarves are as insane as nobles!
What the fuck? Am I the only one that see's the folly here? Does not one stop and think 'Hey, everyone else has dies trying to find this anvil and the last lady that looked for it? Maybe we should just stop?' NO! That would be logical! I thread my finger through my hair and yank viciously as it comes loose of the ponytail and tumbles down.
And the best part, the BEST part is that I am only allowed to take three people with me into the roads. Are they out of their stone-loving minds? Four people, against what…30,000 or 40,000 darkspawn? Brilliant notion Lord Jackass.
I shove my newly acquired items into my pack. I have stocked up on food, bandages, rations, potions, and a few bottles of wine I found. If I end up dying in there, I am going to be three sheets to the wind. I grumbled the entire time I packed. I grumbled as I barked out orders to the ones I was leaving behind.
I cursed and hissed when my original group was broken up by a red-haired dwarf claiming to be the lost woman's husband. Of course. I was just lamenting my own fate when he walked up to me.
"Stranger have you seen a Grey Warden hereabouts?" Are you freaking kidding me? I pinch he bridge of my nose. I will not bash this person in the face with my staff, no matter how upset I am right now.
Yeah friend, I have seen a Grey Warden hereabouts…like right about…here.
"I heard tale that he-or was that she- you understand this was several flagons ago-' Of Dwarven ale? I am surprised you are still breathing. Also there is a she and a he, can you be more specific? "Were setting out to search for Branka" I fought the urge to snap my fingers. That was her name. Huh…I have heard that before I think. Oh well. "On Lord Harrowmont's own orders."
He couldn't be looking for Alistair…oh no…he is looking for little ole me. Well you found me, now go away. Hm. He thinks I might be a man. This is too good to pass up.
"What did this Grey Warden look like?" Oh this is going to be good, I can tell.
"Stout and muscular. Fair of face with a strong jaw and a bold nose." I would be the ugliest wmoan alive, besides Carroll if I looked that way. "Surrounded by a great glowing nimbus." This is a nightmare, I will wake any moment. Who came up with the nimbus crap? "If she's a woman…" If? IF? I am a woman damnit! "She might be more slight, but her eyes will shine with the light of purity." This is worse than poetry from Zevran. "Her large but chaste bosom will heave magnificently." Why is everyone always talking about my bosom? "I've been looking for hours but I haven't see anyone who looks like frustrating." You think you have it bad? Ha!
I cannot kill an innocent dwarf. No matter how bloody tempting it is. "I'm the Grey Warden you are looking for." Dear maker let the mountain swallow me whole.
"Seriously?" Yes, I unfortunately, am very serious. "You're the warden? The Grey Warden?" No, I really more of a teal Warden. We are just more fashionable as we slaughter darkspawn and save the world. "If you're the best they've got standards must have fallen way down." Die…just die you little lout. "But I suppose that would account for a Mage being down here. You do have a sodding nice bosom though." I feel violated somehow.
"You will watch your tongue when you speak to the Warden." Cullen hissed to my right. Oh, there went that fluttering again.
"Eh? Who're you?" I have a better question; Who are you?
"I'm Cullen Former templar of the Circle of Magi, and future Grey Warden." I love it when you use the commanding voice. Right…I'm in public aren't I?
"By My Ancestors! I've heard of you. That makes you that mage!" 'That mage'? The one with the staff on my back? The only Grey Warden mage in all of Fereldan? What? "The one from the tower that joined the Grey Wardens for your Templar love!"
The world is spinning. …Andraste you woman of ill-repute. How the hell do you know that story?
The dwarf is talking more animatedly now. Kill me. Someone? Anyone? Is there a mage killer in the city? Mage…right here! "Then you know all about how it feels to want to be with the one you love. My wife, Branka, left for the Deep Roads two years ago looking for the 'Anvil of the Void'." I've heard about that once or twice. AND I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH CULLEN. I'm just very…attached to him. Only half-way in love, so that hardly counts. I am gaping like a fish at the interloper. "I know all about how you went back to rescue him, braved a thousand demons." Where do you people hear this rabble? 1000 demons? Do I look like I would take on a thousand demons? "Now you two are married, surely you must know how it feels?"
"Ma-Married?" Oh my knees are weak and Cullen is blushing up a storm. Leliana is giggling merrily behind us and I think I am going to faint. People think we are married now? I haven't even kissed the man! Marriage is a little premature!
"Aye! Every two-bit bard or gossip is chatting off every ear in sight about it. A little bit naughty if you ask me… he he. However, if you are going into the Deep roads you will need my help to find Branka. No one knows her like I do."
"You think that Solona and I are married?" Cullen's deep voice is filled with...excitement? Are you crazy? You don't know what these rumors will do to you like I do.
"Aye. Eh? Aren't you...married?" The dwarf looks between us slightly off balance.
"No, we are not m-married." Cullen stutters at the dwarf. I am pink with embarassment.
"Oh. Well I'm not here to chit-chat Warden. Are we going to find my wife or not?" He asks impatiently.
Cullen, why aren't you as horrified by this as I am? How can you smile at a time like this? All of Fereldan thinks we are man and wife! I want to wail at the injustice of this. It never ends! Why me! Damn you Meghan, wherever your corrupted soul is!
Oh please let me die on this ill-fate journey. I need this dwarf to find Branka. He offers to kill darkspawn and tells me that Branka was a brilliant girl and I will need him because he knows how she thinks. I groan. I need him don't I?
I am the opposite of Andraste.
"Come along then." I sigh wearily.
"If we are going let's get going. Branka's not going to sodding find herself." No, because then she would be competent and I would not need to waste my time.
We pass the guards with our passes and Oghren's status as a deshyr for house Kondrat. Huzzah…
The Deep Roads.