You and I

Chapter 10: Home and Fears

It is three days later when I am allowed to go home. I am waiting for Tobias to come back, he's filling out the release forms for me. I am dressed in black yoga pants and one of Tobias' jumpers, along with my combat boots.

He comes in after five more minutes and helps me up from the bed. I am still slightly sore. He has his arm wrapped around my waist as he leads me out of the hospital and back to our apartment. He helps me onto the sofa and takes off my combat boots, placing them on the shoe rack by the door.

"Do you need anything?" He asks me.

"You to hold me." I reply quietly.

He sits next to me and holds me in his arms.

"We'll be okay, you and I. We'll be okay." He tells me.

"I love you, Tobias."

"I love you, too."

He kisses my forehead and doesn't stop holding me until he goes to make lunch. Then he holds me some more as we decide to watch some movies. Then he makes dinner and we watch another movie, wrapped in each other's arms.

And we go to sleep the same way.

…

A month and a half later and I am back to my normal self. I have come to terms with what happened. Peter and Marcus are in prison for ten years because of everything they have done.

Tobias and I have been doing well. He's amazing, as always. We have been to a few leader's meetings as well, with the leaders of the other factions. They seem okay. I guess, and my dad is there so it's fine. We have gone round my parents for dinner a couple of times as well, and they have come here. They really like him, which is good.

Christina and I are friends again. I told her what happened and we have been back to our usual selves. She drags me shopping at least once a week, though, which is so annoying. And she makes me buy things every time. I have enough money to but I don't see why she needs so much stuff, or why I need it. But it's okay. We're best friends again and that's great. Sometimes Marlene, Lynn and Shauna come with us so it's all good. Lynn hates shopping just as much as I do so we just complain together.

Today Tobias and I don't really have to do anything so we are having a day to ourselves, at home, doing whatever the hell we want to do.

Tobias is making us pancakes, for breakfast. He is an amazing cook, I have to say. The best. He can make anything.

We sit at the dining table together, eating pancakes and talking about whatever comes to mind. It has been four months since the day I met him. Three and a half months since we got together. It's been some of the best months of my life, other than the whole thing with Peter anyway.

"So, what do you want to do today?" He asks me.

"How about we snuggle up on the sofa, watch movies, and eat a load of crappy foods?" I suggest. I have gotten a lot more Dauntless lately. More swearing, more alcohol, more parties, etc.

But we haven't had… you know. I'm still scared of it. I know he won't do anything that I don't want to do. I know he won't push me into anything. I know that I can trust him. I know that I love him. I know that he wants to have sex. At least I think he does. But I just can't. We have gotten close to it, well, closer. But as soon as he tries to take my top off I stop him. I stop us. What happened with Peter comes to mind and I just let it consume me.

It frustrates me, so much. I know all of our friends have had sex. Except maybe Lynn because she hasn't got a boyfriend. But I just can't. I know it's probably frustrating him as well. It makes me angry that I can't give him what he wants. It makes me upset. It makes me feel like he shouldn't be with me. Like I'm not good enough for him.

But he constantly tells me that I am good enough for him and that he is the one who isn't good enough for me. He keeps telling me I'm beautiful, and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, and that he's willing to wait as long as it takes for me to be ready.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by Tobias calling my name.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing, you just looked like you were in a trance. Are you all right?"

"Yeah. Let's go watch a movie."

And that's what we do.

We spend all day watching movies, eating, talking, kissing, and hugging. But not really going anywhere else. Not taking the next step in our relationship. I know I'm technically no longer a virgin, but I want to give Tobias what he wants. I'm just scared to. I'm scared that once we take the next step he will leave me because I'm not good enough for him. I'm scared that it will become more like a duty than making love. I'm scared that he won't love me anymore, after I give myself to him, because the sex wasn't good enough. I'm scared of many things.

But I want him.

I do want him.

And he wants me.

I love him.

I can trust him.

I should be able to do it.

But something inside of me makes me stop.

The memories make me stop.

The thoughts of what Peter did makes me stop.

Everything makes me stop.

I know I need to get over my fear at some point.

But I know it isn't now.

It can't be now.

My body doesn't want it to be now.

At about ten my eyes start to feel droopy and Tobias carries me to our room, gently placing me on our bed. He climbs in next to me and kisses my forehead gently.

"Goodnight, Tris, I love you."

"Goodnight, Tobias, I love you, too."

Then I sleep. Hoping that one day I will be able to give him what he wants, and it won't make him hate me.

Hey Ravens, sorry for the wait but my exams are over now so I can update more often.

Do you mind if I skip to them training initiates in the next chapter?

Anyways, I have a new fanfic up, it's a crossover between Divergent and The Hunger Games. Could you go and read it, maybe?

Also, I have a poll up about any other fanfics you may want me to write, there is a list of options for you to choose from and you can pick up to three of them.

I will update again when I can.

Please review!