Kate had woken that morning with a lump in her throat and a tightness in her chest. It had taken almost half an hour to convince herself to get up and face the day and she'd been unable to eat or even have more than half of a cup of coffee. January had fared no better, eyes downcast, words few and far between all morning. They make quite a pair walking into the Department of Child and Family Services, waiting in the hallway outside Ms. Whitman's office.
"You feeling okay?" Kate asks, gently snaking her arm around January's slender shoulders.
January is silent and turns carefully towards her, holding on tightly and burying her face in Kate's shirt.
"Hey sweetie it's going to be okay."
"Can't we just go?"
"Go where?"
"Go home. I don't want to do this, Kate. I don't care that she's my mother's sister. I don't know my mother and I don't want to know this lady. I just want to go home."
"I do too," Kate breathes. "I want to go home and keep you with me forever. Like it always should have been. But whatever happens, don't you think it's always a good thing to have more people in your life that care about you? Wherever you end up, you want there to be a family in your corner, don't you?"
"You're saying I should give her a shot?"
"Yes."
"It won't hurt your feelings?"
"Not at all. Janny, I want you to be happy and taken care of. I want you to have all the opportunities possible, and I want you to never feel alone. If that means staying here with me, then that's the best thing that could ever have happened. But if not… I just want the best for you. Understand?"
"Yeah."
"I'm always going to love you. No matter what."
January bites back the words she wants to say, knowing, trusting, that she'll get another chance. Right now, when the door across the hall is opening, is not the time.
They're invited into the office and Kate notices January stiffen as she's introduced to her aunt. The woman is older, not retirement age, but definitely an empty-nester. Her eyes are full of light, her smile is sad, yet wide and she addresses January kindly.
"You look just like your mother," she notes after an awkward moment.
"I do?" January asks, and Kate feels the girl loosen up slightly.
"Just like her. With your dad's eyes."
"You knew my dad?"
"Barely. Your mom was… well, that's a story for another time."
The two of them sit down on the couch and Kate suddenly feels out of place. She's not family and she does not have legal rights. She's somehow just standing here.
"Let's give them a minute," Ms. Whitman suggests, leading Kate back into the hallway.
"Background check came back?"
"You know I can't divulge that kind of information."
"But-"
"You have nothing to worry about, Kate. January would be going to a loving family who is more than ready to have her with them. She has cousins, aunts and uncles, a lot of people waiting for her."
That only makes Kate feel worse. She wants more than anything to keep January with her, but she doesn't want to be the source of disappointment for the biological family. If it comes down to it and really turns into some kind of fight, is she willing to let go? Does she even have a right? And if January does stay here, how will they deal with the fact that she has an entire family that she doesn't know? How will Kate herself deal with the guilt that is already roiling in the pit of her stomach?
"I know you care about her, Kate. I understand the history there, and it's not something that will be forgotten when decisions are reached."
"I need a minute."
Kate hurries down the hallway and into the bathroom, leaning against the sink and taking several deep breaths. It was so easy to talk big yesterday, to convince herself that this was going to be fine, no big deal, that she was happy with whatever outcome. But now as it stares her in the face, she struggles to accept it. The reality that January may be taken from her once again is more than she can bear. She wants to run back into that room and scoop the girl up, take her home and live happily ever after. But she can't, wouldn't if she could. That's not fair to anyone.
None of it is, really.
She takes a few more minutes to catch her breath, using rough paper towels to wipe away the tears that have coursed down her cheeks. She can't do this; she can't rely on a ten-year-old girl to make her feel better. She can't indirectly guilty trip the poor girl either. There will be time for her to digest this and feel it later. For now she needs to buck up and be a calm, steady support for her kid.
Her kid.
Kate shakes the words away. She's thought them in the deepest parts of her heart, and she's even spoken them aloud to her husband, but right now is not the time.
Emerging from the bathroom, she finds January, Ms. Whitman, and aunt Renee standing in a circle, their conversation seemingly light. January turns and smiles at her, reaching out her hand and then happily introducing the two women. She's comfortable and happy, and Kate will never deny that fact. Loving a child and being a parent is giving them the best, no matter how hard it is. That's what she intends to do. It may well kill her, but she'll do it.
"Oh Richard, wonderful," Martha greets, breezing into the study. "I was afraid you were busy."
He looks down at the computer, where he's been furiously writing the next five chapters of Nikki Heat, then back up at his mother, who seems to ignore that his time is, in fact, spoken for.
"I've just been to look at two apartments and I need a second opinion."
"Mother-"
"I know I've been dragging my feet on this but I think I've finally narrowed it down. And just in time too, it seems," she adds with a smile.
"Mother-"
"Now, I'd like to be all settled before things here are official, but I would like your opinion on the matter, as I seem to be quite indecisive."
"Mother, you don't have to move out," he starts, closing the laptop.
"Darling, this loft is no place for five people-"
"It may not get to be," he answers on a long sigh. "Kate took January down to DCFS this morning to meet her aunt."
"Oh," Martha says as she settles down on the couch with a frown. "How did that go?"
"They're all spending the rest of the afternoon together."
She measures his tone and word choice before shaking her head.
"It's not just Katherine who wants to keep her."
Castle shrugs one shoulder. He doesn't feel like he's allowed to want the child or to care for her and grow to love her as his own.
"It's not my feelings that matter," he answers finally. "But no, it's not just Kate."
Martha tilts her head to the side, offering an encouraging smile.
"So what are you going to do?"
"We don't know. We haven't… we're on the same page, we would love for her to stay here. But the specifics of making that happen, we haven't discussed. It might not be something we end up having a say in, and it might not end up being the best thing for her. We just don't know right now."
"I know you've done some research about all of this. What have you learned?"
"I've seen every answer. Between the family lawyers and social workers I've contacted, there are a lot of different opinions. The one thing that seems to be agreed upon is that every case is different, age plays a big role, and there's no real way to predict an outcome."
"It seems to be that fretting over the future is going to do more harm than good. Concentrate on making her days here easier, whether they last another week or the rest of her life."
"We're trying. Circumstances make that difficult. The funeral is tomorrow," he explains, as Martha nods along. "Kind of impossible to make her happy and comfortable when this is the furthest she'll be from it in her life. And you don't want to downplay that either. It's hard."
"I'm sure you and Katherine will find the best ways to guide her."
"I hope we get the chance."
She smiles and stands up, crossing the room to him, leaning down to look him in the eye.
"Whatever happens, I know that she'll always know she has a home here. If you can't give her everything, at the least, you can give her that."
Castle nods and Martha straightens up, dropping an uncharacteristic kiss to the top of his head as she does so.
"Thank you, Mother. Now about those apartments…"
"Ah yes," she remembers, clapping her hands together once and producing a slip of paper from her pocket. "Here are the addresses. We can peruse the listings together."
He smiles and begins the search, feeling such a great amount of pride in the fact that his mother comes to him for an opinion, that no matter what has happened in their lives, they've always had each other. It's rare for a mother and son to be so close, he assumes, especially when personalities and lifestyles haven't always run parallel. What he would do without her, he isn't sure.
"Did you check out the crime rate around here?" he asks, pointing at the map on the screen. "Just look at the rate of burglaries."
"Oh my. Well then, I suppose that one is off the list."
She says it with a little regret in her voice and he hurriedly searches for the second address she'd given him. He doesn't necessarily want her to go; he loves having her here and is grateful for her love and support. But he knows that it is time, and there is nothing to say that she won't be a frequent visitor.
"It is an older building," she notes as the listing comes up. "But the architecture, those windows…"
He bites back a laugh as she trails off, staring wistfully at the screen.
"Mother, you knew this was the one long before you came in here asking me."
"Well, I can't have you thinking I've completely abandoned ship, now can I?"
He laughs, shakes his head, and thanks fate that he was delivered to this woman.
"It's not far either. I think this is the one, Mother. If you must."
"I must, darling. It's time for you to stand on your own two feet."
She receives an eye roll for the teasing.
"You never know what the future will bring, Richard."
"Hopefully, inspiration for this next chapter," he says, clicking to reopen the document he's been fiddling with all morning.
"And that is my cue. And thank you for your help, darling."
"Anytime, Mother."
Alexis is just about to turn out her lights for the evening when she hears a timid knock on her door, followed by one that is slightly more forceful. Curious, she stands up and opens the door, finding January in the hallway, looking much smaller than her almost-eleven years.
"Um, do you have any face wash? I only had a little of mine left."
"Sure, I think I can find you something," Alexis smiles, inviting her into the room. "I keep a bunch of free samples and stuff under my sink. If you need anything you can grab it out of there."
They move into the bathroom and Alexis opens the cupboard, pulling out a basket full of travel and sample sized products, searching through it while January stands in the doorway.
"So, you met your aunt today."
"Yeah."
"How was that?"
January shrugs, lifting her hand so she can wind her hair between her fingers.
"She's nice I guess. She showed me pictures of my mom. I've never seen any before. And she lives on a lake. They have a dock in the water and her husband, he has a boat. They have a spare room and it looks out over the water and she said that the sun rises right over the mountains. And I have a lot of cousins and…"
She trails off, eyes brimming with tears.
"Do you want to go?" Alexis asks gently, hoping the answer is an adamant no.
"I'm not sure."
"That's okay, you know. It's a big deal. I don't think it has a right answer."
"I want to stay here. I want to stay with Kate. I've always wanted that. But going there, I would get to know my family. I could hear stories about my mom. See where she grew up. All that stuff, you know?"
"There's something special about knowing where you come from, especially when you've never really known."
"But… Kate."
"She'll love you no matter what."
"She loves me already. They don't even know me. I… if I stay here, they won't be hurt that bad. But if I go, then Kate will be hurt. I don't want to do that to her."
"You know one thing she's really good at? She's really good at telling you to do what you need and want to do, and supporting you no matter what. When I tease my dad and say I'm quitting school and becoming a pirate, Kate just tells me to be careful I don't end up with a peg leg. It's just a joke of course, but if I was serious, she'd support me. No matter where you end up, whether your opinion is counted or not, she's going to love you just as much. And if you go, it will hurt, but your well-being is more important to her than that."
"I still don't want to go," January decides, shaking her head. "It's cool that I have a real family and maybe I can still get to know them, but I want to stay here. My dad is here. I mean, not really but he's more here than he is there, you know?"
Alexis nods.
"They won't really let me make the decision anyway," January continues, taking a deep breath. "The person who decides where I'm going to live has never even met me. How fair is that?"
"It's ridiculous. I'm sure they'll take your opinion into account, but it's not very fair to you at all."
"It makes me feel sick inside."
Alexis smiles sadly, the face wash forgotten as she stands up from the floor and slides her arm around January's shoulders.
"Want some hot chocolate?"
"It's late."
"It has marshmallows."
"Let's go."
They make their way downstairs where the lights are still on.
"What are you two still doing up?" Castle asks as he starts the dishwasher.
"Hot chocolate," Alexis answers, taking two mugs down from the cupboard. "Don't worry, we won't go crazy."
"Or stay up too late."
"Or that," she agrees, knowing that January needs her rest to deal with tomorrow.
"Okay, clean up after yourselves, and I'll see you in the morning."
He bids them both goodnight and January climbs up onto one of the stools while Alexis gathers the chocolate and marshmallows. They're too busy talking and giggling together to notice Kate watching them, tears washing over her face at the reality that this may not ever happen again.