A/N: Once again, I am sending a thank you to all those who read this fic, and to those who added this to their story alerts etc. And of course, the super massive, extra special thank you to those who sent me a review. It is still surreal to me that people actually enjoy reading my writing. It is such a lift to log into my email and see the support that I am getting from my readers. Whatever shit is going on, you never fail to put a smile on my face.
I just wanted to say that I loved writing this chapter so much. The whole reason being that the conversation that occurs at the conclusion of this chapter is what started this whole fic in the first place. That is how I usually start a story- I will hear a voice in my head and go from there. This time it was Leah's, and I hope that you all appreciate it.
Music: Where Does The Good Go- Tegan and Sara, Feels Like Pain- The Grates, Broken Bones- Birds of Tokyo, This Modern Love- Bloc Party
Jacob stumbled into his bedroom, throwing himself down on top of his covers. A part of him had feared Leah's rejection...but not on quite a severe level. He had never heard her sound so angry before. It scared him, that so much vehemence could be directed towards him. He pulled the pillow out from underneath him, holding over his face. He wanted to scream. He wanted to yell...but he couldn't. He felt that completely and utterly drained that he could not even bring himself to open his mouth. He could only lie there and do nothing. How was that for taking action?
XXXXX
Jacob's eyes fluttered open and he saw the bleary grey morning clouds. Glancing at his clock, he saw that it had been about thirteen hours since he had gotten home. Thirteen hours since...
"Fuck this," he muttered, climbing off the bed. He needed to see Leah. She owed him a fucking explanation. She could not react that way and just expect him to accept him. The psycho bitch act might have worked at keeping the rest of the reservation away from her, but he was not going to let her get off that easily.
He allowed himself the luxury of a long, hot shower, letting the steaming water work at his tense muscles, before heading out and walking towards the Clearwater's. As he approached he wondered how he was going to get around Sue to speak to Leah. He was contemplating whether he would be able to get through Leah's window before she landed a fist on some section of his body when he saw Leah turn out of her driveway, a couple of hundred metres up ahead. Jacob hesitated for a moment and then proceeded to follow her. He only hoped that she was heading somewhere they could talk.
A few minutes later she walked off the road, veering towards the beach. He looked up at the sky. The clouds had changed from the usual grey to a threatening black and his heart leapt. He didn't think there would be an abundance of people clambering to be on the sand today.
He hastened his pace, jogging so that he could catch Leah before she headed into the water or something. "Leah!" he called and she whirled around. For the briefest moment her expression appeared completely wrought and anguished. But when she registered who was standing behind her, it quickly changed to anger.
"I told you stay away from me, Jacob," she seethed.
"And now it is my turn to talk," he retorted. "You kind of hogged the podium last night."
"I don't want to talk," she replied bluntly and then turned around to continue walking away.
"Stop," Jacob sprinted forward, grabbing her arm and halting her steps.
Leah wrenched herself from his grip. "Keep your fucking hands off me."
"Leah—"
"Did you not hear what I said last night, Jacob? Our little agreement is over. And since we were never friends to begin with there is no need for you to insist that we talk. Leave me alone, Jacob."
"You cannot just walk away from this, Leah," he spat, fury building up in his stomach.
"Watch me," she said quietly, turning on her heel and walking away from him.
Jacob wanted to follow, but the anger that was flooding his veins made his blood feel as if it were boiling. He felt an uncontrollable shaking in his muscles...something he had not felt since the night of Bella's wedding.
He took off, sprinting away from the beach. He reached the tree line in time, the thick greenery keeping him hidden from any possibility of prying eyes. He let himself go and phased mid step. As his four legs hit the ground he only increased his pace. He wanted to run forever, to get away from everything. If he ran fast enough then maybe the deep ache that Leah's words had caused would disappear.
As the trees passed in a blur, his fur rippling because of his speed, Jacob found that the ache did dissipate...but only to let his fury continue to build inside. He was so angry that it hurt. He was so angry that he wanted to hurt somebody. The problem was that the person he wanted to hurt was himself.
He realised that the majority of his fury was not directed at Leah. It was at himself. He was furious at himself that he had, again, allowed himself to feel for someone who would not feel something back. That he had laid himself on the line again, only to be shot back down. That he had been so stupid. That he had been so blind...
'I just saw the way she looks at you, Jacob.'
Jacob screeched to a halt, at the sound of Edward's voice in his head, that aching pain taking over his anger. The two of them couldn't both be blind, right?
So then why had Leah reacted the way she did?
XXXXX
Leah walked as fast as she could along the sand, fighting the urge to look behind her. She was pretty sure that Jacob hadn't followed her, as she heard and felt nothing, but there was still that slight chance.
'Don't,' she told herself. 'Don't look back. Do not give him any incentive.'
She was so focused on that point that she did not notice a figure emerge from the water.
"Leah. Hey"
She glanced over, seeing Sam standing there, adorned in a wetsuit, with surfboard in hand. She let out a loud, exasperated sigh. "Fuck off, Sam."
He slammed the board into the sand so that it would stand upright. "Nice, Leah."
Leah threw her hands up, letting out a harsh laugh. "Yup, that's me. Nice Leah. Wonder why I don't hear that more often."
"Maybe you should refrain from telling people to fuck off."
"And maybe some people should take a damn hint and fuck off when they have been asked," Leah taunted. She was well aware that she was provoking him but she couldn't care less. She was in the mood for a fight.
"All right," Sam sighed. "I am going to bite. What is the problem?"
Leah's eyes narrowed as her fists clenched at her sides. "The problem? You want to know what my problem is? You are my fucking problem, Sam."
"Me? And what have I done now?"
"You screwed me over, Sam. You fucked me up. It's your fault that I am like this. It is your fault that I can't do anything fucking right. You, you, you! You have fucking ruined me!" she let out.
Sam stepped towards her. "Leah, don't say that about yourself. You are not—"
"Stop being so nice to me, Sam! Hate me, treat me like shit. Please," she paused, dragging her hands through her hair. "I don't want kindness; I just want everything the way it is supposed to be! Stop pretending that you care. Act as if you do not give a damn about me, because that is the way it should be. And that is the way I want it to stay."
Sam observed her silently, his eyes softening. "This isn't about me, is it, Leah?"
She looked up at him. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm not sure...but I am getting the feeling that this little tirade isn't really directed at me."
Leah inhaled deeply, shocked. They had been apart for so long, and yet, Sam still knew her so well. However, that wasn't what had surprised her. It was the fact that it no longer hurt to think that way.
"Look Leah," Sam continued. "I am not expecting you to tell me anything, but can I suggest something?" He paused, waiting until she nodded. "You gotta tell whoever it is. You cannot go around carrying that stuff on your shoulders. It will kill you one day."
Leah stared down at the sand, digging her hands deep in her pockets. There was something that she desperately wanted to ask Sam, but wasn't sure if she could.
"Well, I've gotta go," Sam started, grabbing his board. "You know where to find me if you need a sounding board. I owe you that much."
"Wait," Leah looked up.
"What?"
"Was it easy for you?" she asked, her voice barely audible.
Sam frowned slightly. "Was what easy?"
"Leaving."
Sam was silent, but Leah knew that he had understood the context of the question. Finally he spoke. "Leaving you was one of the hardest things I have ever done."
Leah blinked. "Even with the imprinting."
Sam sighed. "I fought it, you know. For several weeks." Leah looked at him, her expression confused. "After I imprinted, when I fell for Emily, I fought it. I had loved you and in some way I still did...like a sister, almost. I knew that it would hurt you and so I tried to ignore it. I couldn't bear the thought that I would hurt you...I didn't want to be that person."
"But in the end you couldn't fight anymore," Leah said.
Sam nodded slowly. "I was lying to you and I was lying to myself. It wasn't right."
Leah gave him a small smile. "Thanks for telling me...believe it or not, it's actually helped." She gestured towards the dunes. "You should go; I've kept you too long."
"Before I do, one thing," Sam said. "For you to react the way you just did, whoever he is, he's gotten to you. You are feeling some deep shit. I only hope that he can make you happy, Leah." He gave her one last smile before turning and walking away.
Leah stared after him. He was right. Jacob had gotten to her, big time. And the shit she was feeling...well, could she really admit to that?
'No,' she told herself. Her feelings were irrelevant. Nothing could ever evolve between her and Jacob. Nothing. She could not let that happen.
XXXXX
Jacob stayed in wolf form until the grey light of the day had started to fade into night. He made his way home, into their back yard and phased back. Inside he could hear several voices and cringed. Billy, Jared and Rachel. He was not in the mood for a family dinner. Instead of making his way inside, he grabbed a pair of shorts and t-shirt that were hanging on the clothesline. They were still slightly damp but he threw them on anyway and then walked away. He needed a visit to the clearing. He needed to clear his head.
Unfortunately, so did someone else.
Leah jumped up from her spot on the bank of the river when she saw him. "Jacob."
"Leah."
She was looking everywhere except him. "Um, I'm just gonna go. I've already been here a while. It's all yours," she said quietly, turning to leave.
Jacob felt another flash of anger. He was sick of doing things her way. "Yeah, that's right. Just walk away. That's what you do, right? When things don't go the way you want," he called out.
Leah whirled around, her expression twisted. "What are you so pissed about?"
"Hmm, I don't know Leah? How about you acting like a heinous bitch after I tell you that I care about you?"
"You don't really care about me. You only wanted to get involved with me because I was fucked up. I was just another project for you, cause that's what you like, don't you? You like 'em damaged because it's easier for you to move in that way. You just want to play the hero, Jacob Black and I hate to break it to you but I am no fucking damsel in distress."
"Get fucked, Leah."
"Well if you didn't go and screw everything up by opening your pathetic mouth we could be fucking right now, Jacob. But you took care of that, didn't you?"
Jacob took a step towards her. "Yeah, I opened my mouth but you are the one having the hissy fit. Just admit that you were scared for once- don't put all of the shit onto me. You are the one who is more to blame."
"Me? You are delusional," Leah laughed cruelly as Jacob moved even closer to her. She wanted to run away so much, but pride was keeping her planted in the spot. She was not going to let him tell her that she ran away from her problems again. He could be the one to fucking leave. "You create these emotions in your head, Jacob. You create your own interpretations of emotions and it is all just completely fucked up."
"Create?" Jacob hissed. "Fine then. If you think that it is all just in my imagination then tell me outright. Tell me that you feel absolutely nothing for me."
"I feel nothing for you," Leah replied, automatically, averting her eyes from his face. As she did this, she felt him grab her jaw, forcing their eyes to meet.
"Look me in the eye and tell me," he demanded.
Leah swatted his hand away. "Did Bella follow these types of orders? Huh? Do you have some secret domination fetish that I am not aware of?"
"Fuck Leah!" Jacob yelled, the volume of his voice making her jump. "Stop playing fucking mind games. Just look me in the eye and tell me that you feel nothing for me. Do that and this is all over."
"I won't," Leah replied stubbornly.
"Do it."
"No."
"Look at me and tell me I am nothing," Jacob's volume was increasingly getting louder.
"Fuck you, Jacob."
"Tell me."
"No."
"Tell me you don't want me in your life," he roared.
"No!"
"Tell me that you don't think of those times we had together and wish that we were doing that right now. I could be touching you right now, Leah. Tell me that you don't want to feel that."
"NO!"
"Why fucking not?" Jacob demanded.
"Because I can't! I can't do that," Leah let out, and then took a step back. In saying nothing she had just told him everything. And that was going make this so much harder.
"Then why are you fighting this, Leah? Why are you pushing me away?" Jacob sounded completely desperate. It took all of Leah's willpower not to take him into her arms. "Why are you stopping this from happening? Don't you want to be happy? We can be happy together. Why are you doing—"
"Because you are a werewolf who hasn't imprinted!" Leah yelled. Jacob stared at her in silence, his expression softening. All that Leah could hear were her own elevated breaths and the trickling of nearby water.
It felt like an eternity before Jacob spoke. "Leah, I—"
"Don't Jacob. It doesn't matter what we feel. I am not going to put myself in the position to be hurt again. I am not going to allow myself to become a victim again. I want to have some mediocre of control over my life."
"Leah, I would never hurt you," Jacob said. "You have to know that."
Leah nodded. "Sam would have never deliberately hurt me either. But he did."
"So you are throwing everything away on the very slim chance that I could imprint. You're a wolf too, Leah. Do you hear me worrying about you going off and imprinting?"
"You should be considering that, Jacob. You've been hurt in your past as well. We have both been hurt badly and we should learn from that. We should be smart enough to do as much as we can to prevent that hurt from ever happening again."
Jacob exhaled loudly. "Shutting yourself off from life is one hell of a prevention method, Leah."
Leah crossed her arms across her chest. "I am taking my own advice, Jacob. This is my action. This is me taking control. I am not going to let us get hurt again. Deep down you know that I am right."
Jacob moved away from her. "And what? You feel no hurt now?" There was a deep bitterness lacing the edges of his voice.
"Jacob, you need to shut up now," she said. "There is no discussing this. I have made my decision and you need to accept that."
Jacob stared at her hard, and Leah waited for his response. Waited for another argument that she had to rebuke. But he said nothing. He just turned and walked away.
Leah could not help but think he was walking away for good. However, she did not feel relieved by that thought.
She only felt fear.