A/N:
Okay, so I was in the mood for writing again so I decided to write another chapter of this since so many people have been requesting one. The SLASH genrewas requested by a couple reviewers. In this genre, our protagonist is now extremely effeminate (well, he already was but now he's MORE effeminate), and totally gay for *someone*. Anyone. Normally, FanFiction authors target Legolas' manly-man friend, Aragorn, but since I've already written a lot about him, we'll just go for the second-most-written-about, Eomer. You know, the horse guy in the weird helmet who likes cracking racist jokes about fat Scottish dwarves? Yeah, that guy. We're targeting him.
BROKEBACK MIDDLE EARTH
Okay, so one day, Les Trois Mousquetaires (sans muskets) were running to Skyr- I mean, Edoras (POP: 200) to inform Jarl Theoden (he's the President) that some short people were kidnapped and Saruman was being a dick...or something like that. I actually can't remember why they were going there. Probably because Saruman was being a dick. Anyway, Legolas, his manly-man friend, Aragorn, and his fat Scottish dwarf friend, Gimli, were heading to Edoras. The journey sucked arse because they ran out of deodorant and shampoo halfway through the trip, and there had not been a single shower in sight. All of them (except Legolas since he can repel dirt and oil for some reason) were all grimy and smelt like an overcrowded gym located next to a boiler room. This of course, causes our protagonist much grief as he must endure being the only clean person around smelly people. Poor him. He is the only one in the group whose hair is perfect and not oily and grimy at all, which is one hell of a feat because he has blond hair...I think. Most FanFiction authors, such as Peter Jackson, write him with blond hair just because his dad has blond hair. Someone can check this by drawing up a Punnett Square for the genotypes of his dad and mum (who can be found dead/in the shower).
Anyway, none of that matters. We've established that Legolas has this really unhealthy obsession with his hair and the hair of other people, which is why he laments Aragorn's and Gimli's ugly hair throughout the entire trip. Okay, so at this point, he starts talking about how it is sad that he is the only one with nice blond hair, how he wishes to share his enthusiasm for blond hair with another fellow blond, how he is waiting for the producers of My Strange Obsession to call him blah blah blah. All of this is happening while the group is traveling, by the way.
[insert random events that happen during the trip.]
As things begin to get as boring as most of the stories like this, a bunch of blond Anglo-Saxon guys on horses ride up to them. They form this circle around Legolas, Aragorn, and their fat Scottish dwarf friend. Then the leader of the Rohan Polo Club gets off his horse, and asks what the hell they are doing. This leader guy, Eomer, has long, flowing blond hair except it's covered by a stupid-looking helmet, which means that no one can actually see his hair (for some reason). Gimli says some stuff. Then, Eomer cracks this racist, anti-fat Scottish dwarf joke, and so Legolas threatens to shoot Eomer's face off for telling such a racist joke (ironically, Legolas' dad is extremely racist against fat Scottish dwarves). Just as shit is about to hit the fan, Aragorn steps in and tells everyone to calm the f*** down, and shut the f*** up (I'd write the actual word but unfortunately, this story is T-Rated). So, everyone does exactly that and Eomer, totally nonplussed by almost having his face shot off, takes off his stupid helmet, revealing his long, flowing blond hair (just imagine that happening but with some lady's voice in the background saying "L'Orèal Paris: because you're worth it").
BAM! At long last, Legolas has found somebody who he can relate to! He is no longer the only one who has nice blond hair! All of this is just too much for him, and he suddenly finds himself questioning his sexual orientation. Okay, a bit more that that. According to the logic of many FanFiction authors, he had always been gay which is why despite existing for hundreds of years, he had never been able to hold down a girlfriend. However, being isolated from fellow blonds for so long and Eomer being the first blond he's seen, he is now totally full-on gay for Eomer. Anyway, Eomer, being a generous lad, gives everyone some horses. Horses for all! So, Eomer and the rest of the Rohan Polo Club ride off into the sunset with Leggylass daydreaming about Eomer and shit. Then, he and his troupe of merry...man and dwarf ride off with their new horses.
TEN MINUTES LATER...
At this point in the story, stuff has happened and now they see a smoking pile of dead orcs! Holy crap! It's the orc-pocalypse! (*Badum tss*) Anyway, the three of them merrily skip up to the pile of roast orcs, and try to find clues for what the hell is going on. Where have those hobbits gone? Why is Saruman such a dick? They will find the answer in the pile of roast orc. Using his super-sonic-manly senses, Aragorn tracks down the hobbits into Fangorn Forest. Yeah, they're still looking for those damn hobbits. Anyway, the three of them walk to the middle of Fangorn Forest. Legolas, despite being totally awesome, morphs into Captain Obvious and says "This forest is old. Very old." No shit, Sherlock. Forests don't tend to be new. So, more stuff happens and all of a sudden, there is a bright flash of light! GANDALF APPEARS! (By the way, he died). Now, he is no longer known as Gandalf the Grey, but he is now Gandalf the White! Yeah! What makes it even more awesome is that it's kinda like how Bruce Wayne used to be just Bruce Wayne, but then he became Batman. They get out of Fangorn, and Gandalf summons his magical horse, Shadowfax, which is something like Batman's Batmobile. It can do everything. Anyway...
TEN MINUTES LATER...
Gandalf and the rest of the A-Team head off to Edoras to go talk to Jarl...King Theoden about how shit will hit the fan in Rohan (hey, that rhymed). When they arrive in Edoras 5 seconds later, the first thing they do is head over to "Dragonsreach" (that huge beer hall that Theoden lives in. Lucky bastard...). It so happens that Eomer's blond sister, Eowyn (these goddamn names, I swear), is standing on the veranda. Now at this point, many FanFiction authors show that Eowyn is pretty much the ultimate gay test Rohan has to offer. Legolas notices her HOWEVER, he only notices her because she reminds him of Eomer. Needless to say, leggy Leggylass, the elfiest of elves, has failed the gay test. Everyone then walks into the Theoden's beer hall, and they see that Theoden is being possessed by this really shifty guy named Grima Wormtounge. For some reason, fictional rulers always have these really shifty advisors with suspicious-sounding names (like Grima-f***ing-Wormtounge) that would signal to anyone with half a brain not to have anything to do with these people. Therefore, Theoden does not have half a brain. At this point, Gandalf does this ritual that un-possesses Theoden. Presumably he performed an exorcism while chanting the words "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" Stuff happens, Theoden is back to his old self, Grima gets thrown off the veranda blah blah blah. Anyway, this shit is not important in these kinds of stories.
TEN MINUTES LATER...
You've probably noticed by now that I keep fast-forwarding everything. It's because I'm actually working off one of these horrendous Brokeback Legolas stories right now, and I'm getting really impatient. So, back to the story. Everyone is at Helms Deep because shit has hit the fan in Rohan. By the way, Legolas is still around, and he's still daydreaming about Eomer. All of a sudden, this massive battle breaks out there between everyone and some of Saruman's orcs (I told you he was a dick). By the way, Haldir (you know, the slow-talking elf guy with eyebrows that are vastly a different colour to his hair), did not actually attend this. He was busy. Anyway, stuff happens, everyone's fighting, people are dying, Gimli needs a box, Legolas is doing jiu jitsu and whatnot.
TEN MINUTES LATER...
Okay, so Legolas and a couple other guys are holed up in the keep. Obviously, he's still thinking about Eomer. Everyone else has been killed but on the bright side, Rohan's overpopulation problem has been solved. There's some business involving Gimli and the Horn of Helm Hammerhand (aka. Rohan's PA system), and everyone else riding out to meet those orcs. Now that all the useless stuff is out of the way, we can resume the Brokeback Middle Earth story.
So, after everyone in the keep rides out to meet "them", the Rohan Polo Club appears in a flash of white light because they are led by...GANDALF! NANANANANANANANANANA GANDALF! Oh yeah, and Eomer's there too. These parts of these kinds of stories are actually based off the movie scene because if the majority of the FanFiction authors had actually read the book, they won't be writing such crap stories. Anyway, Legolas sees him, and he is overjoyed! He jumps for joy at the sight of Eomer's hair! However, there's still a battle going on.
[insert description about the stuff happening in the battle like people killing things, and Legolas skateboarding down a flight of stairs.]
So, the battle has ended, and everyone is happy...or as happy as you can be when a battle has just ended. At this point, Legolas sees Eomer and jumps into his arms! They say some lovey-dovey-mushy-gushy stuff- okay, guys. I'm writing this at four in the goddamn morning. I'm tired, I'm annoyed, and I want to go to sleep. I will end just this shit right now.
So...stuff happens, Theoden legalises gay marriage while Rick Santorum and Bill O'Reilly make a huge deal about it, Legolas and Eomer get married, they go to the adoption centre to adopt twenty African children, and everyone lives happily ever after.
The end.
A/N:
Okay, so now that this stupid crap is finally over and done with, I need more ideas. I'll do anything but those damn Mary Sue and Tenth-Walker/Somebody-gets-dropped-into-Middle-Earth parodies because god knows there's already too many of them.
Every time you skip out on leaving a review, another shitty Brokeback Legolas FanFiction is posted to this site.