Amour Fou

noun

uncontrollable or obsessive passion

Kylo was tracing small circles on her battered skin. Purple faded to shades of green and yellow. Sinewy maps were spreading across her jaw, her neck, down to the clavicle. He was extra careful with his fingers, just barely touching and always looking into her eyes to see when was too much, when she would feel pain.

Rey smiled. "I just heard what you were thinking, in my head." Her eyes widened, as if a child received a present.

"You did?" The Force bond is growing. "That's something. I must keep you out of my head when we do certain things," he smirked."Wouldn't want you to see that."

She swatted his hand, but his reflexes caught her off guard and he rolled her up on his torso. The sheets slid down, her breath hitched and those hazel eyes rested on his. They kept looking at each other as if they just invented love; as if their feelings should amaze everyone in the galaxy.

"I never thought I'd see you again, this soon." She whispered.

"I knew. I always knew I couldn't stay away for too long." He said and hefted her in his arms. She weighed nothing, even prostrated on top of him, even if he saw and felt her skin on his. His arms sought reassurance; his mind ran in circles, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the dawn to end this fleeting moment. She laid her head on his chest and dozed off, listening to his heartbeat.

It was raining when Kylo and his cohort landed on the island. All went quiet. Not even the water hit the reef with the fierceness of the days past. The hollow Jedi ground sensed the malevolent visitors, clad in dark robes and white armor, armed by more than blasters, ready to more than plunge and destroy.

Kylo felt as if he had known every crevice of every rock by heart, so much time he wasted on this island. "Deploy the unit, Captain. I need to make rounds and verify something on my own." He said to Phasma, watching the rest of his troops board the rectangular hovercaft. They were headed to Zesch, a nearby settlement which Ren had chosen as their operational base.

"Ay, Sir." She said. He took Phasma because he trusted her. He took her because she was fiercely loyal to the First Order, and now, he was the Order, outranking every officer on this planet. She would serve him, no questions asked. Kylo started walking down the slope; his feet bore deep into the long fissures wrought by constant downpour. The erosion posed real danger, he slipped and stumbled a few times, but his height offered him a much needed balance.

Where are you? I can't see you. The ridge of rocky coastline stretched infinitely, and the one he sought was nestled somewhere within. He could feel it. He could feel her presence; the faint sound of her heart and see her very face reflected in the water. There. She was bathing in a small lagoon, using those few rare days when the rain stopped to cleanse her body.

The old man went away for a day and night, gods knew where, trying to rent a small ship to get her out of the island. His decision to entrust his home to her surprised Rey, but then again, she really posed no threat to anybody. Unarmed and lost on Ahch-To, she could do little besides keep the fire and guard the hut. She was bathing in nice, lukewarm water and gazing at the sun on the far horizon. Her white chemise became one with her body. Translucent fabric revealed the curves of her breasts and hips. It offered the view of her skin glistening in all its splendor.

Kylo was standing a few yards from her, hidden behind a boulder. He descended on the planet with one goal in mind – get her back at all costs. He knew she wouldn't go forcefully, so, he had thought up the next best thing. He would bind her in freedom, offer her whatever she wanted and then, she would concur - in time. Patience, not strength would help him in this matter. She had to decide on her own; she had to see what he saw.

Rey scooped the fresh water and poured it onto her hair, drinking in the sun beaming on her; smiling as she stole this moment of solitude. He marveled at the creature so sensual, and yet so shy. She still kept that undershirt on, and he realized that no one had ever seen what he'd seen. She entrusted her body only to him and nobody else.

She splashed the water, just because she could. The whirlpools created small, foamy plumes, she touched the bubbles and they burst, and Rey chuckled, caressing the water with her hand. Suddenly, she felt someone grab her from behind, but strangely enough, she knew. The moment his skin connected with hers, she knew.

"It's me." He whispered, not to frighten her.

"I know."

Kylo spun her around. Were her eyelashes always this thick? Were her eyes always this luminous? They're green…no, light brown…no, green. He noticed things, new things he had never seen before.

"Have you come to take me back?" She lurched, but he tightened his hold on her.

"No."

"Why, then?"

"You really don't know?"

Rey closed her eyes. He was gripping her sides, but the touch wasn't severe. She felt him tracing small circles on the wet fabric absentmindedly, while he scrutinized her as if the island changed her face, as if he'd never seen her before.

"You came for Skywalker again? Or burn down some more villages?"

Can someone so brilliant be so thick? "That's the official reason of my visit, yes." He wanted her to figure it on her own and tell him. Come on, Rey, just admit it. The moment she would tell him he came back to be with her, it would be real. The thing they had would be real, only for them, not for the politics of the Order, not for the success of the resistance.

I wish you could see what I see.

Rey's mouth froze half-open. "For me? Just to… see me? Not to ship me back to the star destroyer?"

He shook his head.

"You're not gonna force me to go back?"

"No."

"You're not gonna make me open that temple for you?"

"No." he said loudly. "Is it so damn hard to believe I have no ulterior motives? Forget it…" he dropped his hands and started ascending the ravine, away from the lagoon, away from her.

If he made five steps, it would have been too many. He felt a light weight of something dragging him down, and in that instance, he could burst with happiness. Rey jumped into his arms and he caught her.

"Where are we going?" he panted through one of hundred kisses lovers shared. The small dragged the large; she took his hand and dragged him somewhere further to the interior of the island.

"It's a place. I live there…come on, hurry."

Kylo smiled at her eagerness. It's not just me. Their excitement matched. She was equally happy to see him. Her flustered cheeks mirrored his, he almost couldn't catch up to her long strides; she was sprinting and leading them into the unknown. They walked through the acres of forsaken green meadows amidst the ocean. Kylo didn't even register the hut, all he saw was the bed, and he gently pushed her on it.

They both knew it had to end, once. They both saw the scorching consequences of this passion, love…whatever it was. But then and there, he existed and then she, and nothing else.

Breathe me, she kissed him, only me because I am a part of you. He slid her wet dress on the floor while her fingers worked the patent of his robes. He contoured her sides and took her breasts into his palms, cupping them slowly. He lowered his head, just breathing.

"We can never bring this moment back…" she thought, when finally, they both discarded their clothes. "This is all we have."

Their palms were touching, their bodies collided together, and he held back not to hurt her already bruised body, courtesy of the First Order. He felt like a storm about to break a tree in the wind, and with it, a part of her. She belonged to him, and he wouldn't cause her harm.

"Don't," she was combing through his hair, as he hovered above her. "It's all right. I don't feel pain."

He seized her lips selfishly, letting go of all concern. The fervor with which she reciprocated startled him, she kissed back viciously, almost trying to split his lip and taste the blood. Kylo slid the tip of his tongue along the edge of her ear, and she trembled under him. They hadn't even started yet, and she couldn't surpass the anticipation of his body on hers, of his hard muscles pressing her into the bed and his cock rubbing her clit.

"I missed you so fucking much," his tongue traced circles down her neck. He was kissing her chest, her breasts, while his palm pressed down her navel. Those large hands glided lower and lower, till he brushed the hair between her legs and she moaned. "I would have played with you more, but I won't. I wanted to fuck you for weeks, and I need it now, pet."

She got wet when she saw the look of hunger in his eyes. He sported the same voracious look as when she woke up strapped to a torture chair. Did he feel something already back then? Rey arched her hips up, in a desperate try to make contact with his naked skin, enveloping his torso with her ankles and bucking against him. "I'm good, so stop talking and fuck me." She licked her lower lip, but he captured her tongue with his and kissed her once more. Love was a dirty word, but she taught him all about it. They fucked before, but they treated it like something dirty, harsh, something he did with her and she returned it just because he wouldn't let her go. Once she left her prison and he came to visit her in freedom, their touch felt different.

He rubbed his cock against her wet folds and she bit her lip as the surge of anticipation shot through her. There was something mesmerizing about the way his body pressed into hers, she longed for that weight, to feel him on top of her. She couldn't get enough of his smell, his expression when he tried so hard to delay the inevitable. He grew hard just by thinking about Rey on the ship, and now, he nearly came before they even began.

Kylo buried his head in the crook of her neck. He slid inside her, inch by inch, letting out a long moan. Better not know, better not feel this pain coated as bliss. How could he be outside of her and still exist? His body relapsed into her, as her tongue entered his mouth.

"I missed you too," she moaned into the kiss and felt him smile.

She clenched her pussy around him and he started thrusting, all while she gyrated her hips to meet him, thrust to thrust. He was unrelenting, going harder and faster, thinking about his own release inside, her inner walls stretched to fully accommodate him, and only now did he ram mercilessly into her. His hand shot between their bodies and he started rubbing her clit, making her moan loudly with each stroke. He was inside her, outside and in her head, his entire essence filled Rey's body and she no longer cared where one part of their being began, and the other one ended.

"So...tight, fuck." He groaned, gritting his teeth, rubbing her clit, smearing her juices all over.

"The bed…" she grabbed his ass and prodded him further, "it's…" she threw her head back, unable to process coherent thought, "gonna…break."

"Don't care." Her words didn't even translate to him. He felt her temperature rising, and it turned him on even more, if it was possible. His jaw muscles twitched as she clawed at his back, and he latched onto her nipples, when he couldn't bear the sight of her breasts bouncing to the rhythm of his fucking. Not yet, not now. He felt the tension in his groin, but she still had a way to go. It was impossible, when he looked down on her glossy body, covered in sweat and their juices, at her face screwed in an expression of pain, her closed eyes and upturned head.

Her pouty mouth was sucking in air, trying to cool down the heat in her lungs. "Turn around," he commanded. He needed to change positions to last longer, because her writhing body and tight pussy were driving him crazy.

"Forget it," she raised her half-lidded eyes. "It's been…too long…just …go." She panted like a heated torch under him and slid her own hand between their bodies, stroking him hard through their dripping juices.

Kylo was on the edge, so close. He groaned, withdrawing completely and thrusting back once more. He came and fell on top of her, and Rey desperately grinded against him, trying to tie their climax together.

"Fuck," he pulled out and propelled his torso on his arms, as if ready to do some push-ups. He didn't come to her all this way just to leave her undone.

She almost cried, as he started rubbing the cock coated in her juices against her clit. He reclined a bit, pressing the weight of his own pelvis between her and his cock, creating a friction that nearly ripped her apart. He felt slick, warm and full, straining his chiseled body to drive the length of his cock alongside her swollen slit. The throbbing between her legs peaked. Fuck, oh fuck. Her curls turned into one wet patch, and he felt himself go hard again, which surprised him. He surged back into her, only to feel her walls spasming wildly.

She grabbed the sheets and screamed something about his dick, only too crude for him not to smirk. Hic cock was massaging her cunt, right in the middle of the explosive contractions and she screamed, quivered and fought for one more second of this agony, one more shiver up her spine, one more rub which threw her entire being at his mercy. He felt something wet dripping down his cock, an ample amount of liquid he had never felt from her before. She came squirting all over him, and he let out a guttural moan, deep and savage when the warmth titillated his sensitive tip. "Shit, oh shit, you're so wet, you're dripping all over me aren't you, little scavenger."

Her pressure and heat tugged inside him and he came for the second time, jerking further in, instinctively feeling the need to be as deep inside her as possible. She curled her feet, spread her legs wide apart and squirted, as he licked her nipples, biting them hard; through pain to pleasure.

"Oh, oh gods," she felt dizzy, blinded, used, riding his dick and forgetting to breathe.

Kylo was watching her fascinated, his mouth hung open at the immense climax she experienced – and he caused it. It was him who had ever seen her like this, no one else. She was still clenching him, her orgasm now subsided into a pool of wetness spread on the sheets. Unmistakable musk of sex filled the air. They started to catch their breaths in a mass of slick, tangled limbs.

"You feel like a man, huh." She wiped that smirk form his face, panting. "Great thinking in that last bit, points for you. That was…" She puckered her cheeks.

He laughed, fully, maybe for the first time in a decade and the redness crept from his cheeks to his large ears. Rey had to laugh at him…with him… together. He kissed her and together, they rode the bliss after the frenzy, kissing and regaining consciousness.

So, here they were.

Rey was sleeping on top of him, and Kylo brushed her hair, his tips just skimming, not to disturb her. She took him on an adventure and made him forget his sadness. How could one feel so torn? He became someone else in her presence; not Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren. He didn't have to be afraid she would mock his feelings. What were they?

She huffed, drooling. She drooled on him, and he found it cute. It meant her sleep was deep, she trusted him so much that she slept like a log, knowing he would keep her safe. On the Finalizer, she often counted stars in her mind till the morning duty called and Kylo needed to leave. He knew whether she slept or not, tortured by the constant craving for freedom he couldn't give.

"Igetismuchfor… foroneportion." She purred in her sleep.

Portions, heat and sand - his hands balled into fists. He would obliterate Jakku, if he could. You can. The Order had the means which meant he had them, and he could use them. He closed his eyes because red, vibrant glow blinded him. He found himself back on the star destroyer, overlooking the laser shooting from the Starkiller base. Billions found their demise in that bright, red glow, knowing what would come, forced to watch and tremble. The inevitability of it drove them mad, even before the Hossnian prime exploded. His mother's home planet, Alderaan, had met the same fate.

Kylo started shaking, beads of sweat rose on his forehead. He barely noticed something warm moving in his palm. When he looked down, he gazed straight into her open eyes.

"You had a bad dream?"

"Something like that." He kissed the tip of her nose.

"You want to tell me?"

"No." he said and she didn't nag. "What are you doing?" he asked as she rolled off him.

"I'm letting you breathe. You could have shaken me off when I fell asleep."

"You weigh nothing. In fact you should eat more. A lot more." He poked her ribs. She jumped away, with a look of utter horror on her face.

Kylo immediately followed. "Did I hurt you?" He quickly assessed her, from the tip of her fingers to her toes.

"No…no, it's just," she bit her lip. "When you surprise me like that, when I don't know people are going to touch me. I don't have my staff here, you know. It's a reflex, I guess – from Jakku."

Fucking Jakku. "OK." He took a deep breath. "You need to tell me these things, all right? All things. I want to know what you're afraid of, what I can and can't do."

"Why?" She arched her brow. "We're not gonna stay together. You came to visit, remember? Unless you leave the Order, or I join – which is not going to happen, by the way – this is all we have. All we'll ever have."

She sounded so cynical, so reconciled with their forced separation. Kylo bared his teeth when she wasn't looking. He wouldn't give up what was his, never. He didn't mistake her for a property – but she was his and that would never change. He would be the only man that could touch her and make her scream his name. He would be the only one whose eyes she would greet in the morning.

Rey got dressed in a hurry and started cutting some vegetables, throwing them into a large pot, concentrated on her hustling hands.

"Who else lives here? I was worried that you already somehow got out of Ahch-To, but I figured it would take time." He fastened his belt and sat behind the massive oak table.

"An old man. He gave me shelter, but don't worry, he's not going to be back for a day or two. He went to Zesch, trying to get me a ship. It's actually very nice of him, now that I think about it."

The smell of boiling meat was rising, and Rey crushed some herbs in the mortar, adding them to the mix. This is so surreal. Kylo was sitting at a table while she cooked dinner for them. They could pass for an ordinary couple living in one of those backwards outer rim planets. They would breed like rabbits, live in a concrete house with two domestic droids and a tiny Corellian ship. She would get up and water the starblossoms hanging from the windowsill, and he would get yelled at, because she didn't need "help flying the ship she had put together herself. Just get the ship ready and stop pestering me." He saw her so vividly, so close to him.

Corners of his mouth curled.

"Something funny?" Rey asked.

"Yes and no." He drew himself up and started rummaging the room which constituted as entire house. He didn't like the idea of Rey living under one roof with some old, probably crazy man. He brushed the table made of fine, solid oak. Then, he nosed into the drawers where he kept his clothes, simple as a monk's cassock. A broad treasure chest in the corner caught his attention. He opened the lock with a flick of his wrist. Bless the Force. He peeked over his shoulder to see if he truly would get yelled at by the real Rey. Great. She was too busy with the stew, so his hand dove to the bottom of the chest, grappling at various objects, probing and touching as if he discovered a real treasure.

He stuck out his tongue like a naughty kid, when he felt something cold and metallic. With a bit of luck, it would be a dagger and he would convince Rey to leave with him, once again.

Loud clinking sound startled Rey. "You all right back there? Please, tell me you didn't break the old man's stuff. Kylo, I swear if you-"

She walked towards him and froze. He was crouching, just like he had once done with her, strapped to a torture chair. Under him lay an object which they were both intimately familiar with.

"You recognize this?" He rose, and suddenly, she didn't feel so safe.

"It's a lightsaber." She said matter-of-factly.

"It's not just any lightsaber. I've seen it before." He walked towards her and Rey took a step back.

"So what, the old man probably found it near the temple. Maybe some Jedi forgot it there, or...or…" She kept backtracking, until her back hit the sink and she had nowhere else to go.

Kylo towered over her, so close she felt his breath on her skin. "Oh yes, some Jedi. This," he shoved the handle into her face, "is Luke Skywalker's lightsaber, his original one, not the one he inherited from his father. Remember, huh? The one you fought me with on Starkiller, the one that gave me this?" Kylo pointed at his scar.

"You have no idea of knowing that. I don't want you to raise your voice, are we clear?" She feigned indignation and stuck her chin up.

He stalked her to the corner. His shoulders were trembling, tendons on his neck protruded and Rey floundered back to the night woods, back to the abuse which was deeply regretted, but not forgotten. He had hurt her once, and she wouldn't allow his distempered self repeat it. If she had her staff, if she had anything in her hands, she would use it. On him. Forgetting what he was became so easy in his bed.

He ignited the lightsaber and the entire chamber was thrust into a deep, emerald glow. Rey's hands were feeling the wooden sink behind her, trying to grab a pan, a spoon, anything just to feel safer. Just in case.

"For fuck's sake, stop it!" He roared. "I'm not gonna hurt you, stop being so afraid all the damn time!"

"I'm not afraid of anything!" Rey tossed the spoon on the floor. "Anything, but you." She spat. "Look at yourself. You act as if this was my fault – how can I know why the old man has Skywalker's lightsaber? For all we know, you're mistaken. You're so obsessed that you see relics everywhere!" She yelled at him from the top of her lungs.

"It's his. I know it is." Suddenly, his face smoothened and he grabbed her arms. "How did the old man look like? Tell me what he looked like."

"Let go." She wiggled without success. Just as his embrace protected her in her sleep, it wouldn't let her go now, squeezing her hard, demanding answers.

"Tell me." His dark eyes bore into hers. Now, he was hurting her.

"Just a man, an old curmudgeon, he has grey hair, a beard and crooked teeth. He…he smokes a pipe and he's injured, maybe when he chopped wood or something. Let me go, I swear if you don't…" She fought him; her slim hands were wrestling with his robes.

"Let me go, you son of a bitch!" She tried to kick him, but his grip was unrelenting; his hands shook and dug deep into her flesh.

"Or what? What are you gonna do, huh? Plot with the resistance? Have you lured me here to sell me out?" Something in his stare scared her more than the manhandling, more than the clinking of the china in the cupboard - such was the force with which he shoved her.

"Look at me," he commanded. "Look at me, tell the truth!"

"Aargh!" Rey let out a blood curling scream. Suddenly, the glass in the cupboard shattered, the plates rolled on the floor. Foul stench seeped into the air, it smelled like a burnt electric cable. Rey was trembling because an unknown substance coursed through her veins, something powerful and invigorating. I caused this.

Kylo didn't have time to explain she had tapped into the Force, like an untrained novice, a lost padawan in need of guidance. "Is he missing a hand?" He slammed her hard against the counter. "The man – is he…you said he was injured. Is he missing a hand? Answer me!"

Rey stopped fighting. Her eyes watered, not because she couldn't stand being so helpless against him. Kylo's head dropped. "Oh, Rey… oh no, no, no. I don't believe this. It's him. It's been him. He took you in, gave you shelter – he probably knows who you are. He could feel the Force in you."

She finally freed herself from his grasp, swallowing a choked sob. Of course no one in her life showed her kindness just because of her. If it was Skywalker, he had an agenda, just like everybody else. He must have recognized her and kept an eye on her, just to keep her in check – a foolish scavenger dabbling in the matters of the galaxy. She never felt sorry for herself, scavenging, bleeding for her portions. But the events of months passed showed her fates worse than Plutt's junk market, worse than lightsaber duels and torture. She asked – why me?

My name is Leia. She started crying. He must have had a blast inside when he heard her transparent lie. She hid her face in her palms and heaved, crying for a helpless little girl, abandoned fifteen years ago in a desert. Have you met a Jedi? I have. She spent days in a company of the one who shared the same blood as her lover.

Kylo dug his fingers into the metal handle of the lightsaber. It burnt in his hands, the weapon which almost slew the Emperor; the one battling Darth Vader himself. Do something. She looked so pitiful, so devastated. Her small shoulders rose and fell together with her dignity. He put the saber aside and approached her. She crashed into his chest; he locked her in a different kind of embrace, the one where he already spun plans in his head to kill Skywalker for his insolence, for the way he had lied to Rey.

For a split second, he doubted her. She knew – she must have, unless Luke cloaked himself in the Force and posed as an old beggar. But her visceral reaction put out any doubt he had. They were toying with them both, these power players in the galaxy. Luke and Leia, magical twins, wonder babes risen from the blood of Vader ruined Kylo's life and now, they tried to worm their way into Rey's. He wouldn't let them.

Kylo's forehead vein started throbbing, he hugged her tighter.

"Come, join the resistance." Leia beckoned.

"Come, train under me and become a Jedi." Luke steered her on the other side.

Never - Kylo would never let them play god with her. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Rey." He rested his chin on top of her head. He got it. He got why she felt like this, saved by an old grandpa who wasn't so ordinary after all; who saw the power in her, rather than a person worthy of saving, even if it was just a thin, hungry girl.

"I want to leave. I want to go back to Jakku, now. I want it now, and I want to see my friends… I don't want to be here. I will fight for the resistance." She kept saying into his robes, over and over again.

The hell you will. He wouldn't let her fight, period. "And I want you to come with me. I want you to be locked in my quarters on the Finalizer till we grow old and I'll rule the galaxy." He thought. She heard him, in her head, loud and clear and immediately scrunched her face.

He would bind her in freedom. He had a plan. He gingerly pushed her aside and bent down to wipe her face. "Whatever you want. I'll take you there. I don't know how, but I'll manage it somehow."

"And you're not mad we won't see each other again?" she asked.

"Of course we will. Look at where we are – in the middle of a secret island, in an uncharted outer rim territory, in a hut of Luke Skywalker. I lied to the Order to be here, and it worked. So…" he sighed. "If it's Jakku you want, I'll get you there and I will see you as often as I can."

Rey's heart swelled. Three words hummed in her heart for some time now, but she wouldn't allow herself to feel them. He would let her go – willingly? Screaming and fighting belonged to them just as much as these tender moments of unconditional…"I love you." She blurted out.

His eyes widened. "What?" The last thing he expected after treating her like that was hearing those words.

Her red, blotched face beamed. "I love you. I just realized, so I had to tell you." She smiled.

Kylo's heart started beating unimaginably fast. Yes, he planned to lull her into going with him, but he never thought hearing something like this would be so magical. "Good, good." He joined his hands behind his back, as if ready for a formal delegation. "I realized a while ago." What the hell was he supposed to do now? His mouth dried up.

"So?" She waited with bathed breath. "Are you gonna say it?" This is it. Somebody, somewhere would tell her they loved her. She never heard it before. How did people feel when they heard it? Would something change? Rey's entire being started buzzing with electricity.

"No," he shrugged, grinning on the inside. "I don't think I will, no."

"What?" She gasped. "But it's…it's the rules! "You have to say it, if you mean it. You don't know what it means to someone, I mean only if you mean it, I don't want to hear a lie, if-" she started squirming on the spot, repeating the word 'mean' so much it stopped sounding like a proper word.

Kylo pulled her into him and kissed her, so fast she nearly lost her footing. He leaned closer and whispered something in her ear.

She withdrew with such sweet look on her face; he vowed to sear that expression into his memory forever. He whispered it a second time, watching her eyes go brighter, only by the power of his words.

Rey closed her eyes.

'I love you' felt like getting a whole new portion without having to work for it. It felt like falling asleep with a full stomach under the starry sky. It felt as if she was swimming in that diamond lagoon, and never having to fear she would drown, because someone was there to hold her.

These feelings went beyond the First Order, beyond Luke Skywalker, straight past the resistance. They hugged each other, relishing in the admission which came after the storm. So what if he had to drop her off on Jakku. She loved him. So what if he wouldn't leave the Order to fight for the light side. He loved her.

Together, they would work it out. There was a chance they could, and no matter how small or improbable, they would do anything in their power to seize it.

A/N Thank you for comments, reviews and support, also the guest comments. I see you and I'm very happy :)