A/N: So many beautiful, heartfelt reviews for the last chapter, I'm absolutely bowled over by your response. I'm so glad it was enjoyed. A million thank you's, as always, for all the love! Fingers crossed that my muse stays with me :)
Another long one below, my apologies. There's just so damn much I want to fit in, so forgive me for my profound inability to be short & to-the-point :)
You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.
― E.E. Cummings
As the infirmary doors banged shut, Severus closed his eyes as pure self-loathing washed over him, filling him up. He suddenly found it hard to breathe.
He braced himself for the onslaught that was coming. Like inky, black storm clouds rolling in through a clear, blue sky, Severus could feel it approaching, could feel all their anger and rage building to a fever pitch and he knew he couldn't escape it, not that he deserved such a reprieve.
His head bowed in shame, his eyes closed, he reverted back to the safe cocoon of silence as those exquisite, brown eyes, danced before his own, brimming with a ocean full of unspent tears.
Why anger? Why would that be his first response to the enormous gift he was just granted?
It was his goddamn, horrible, rotten temper. He could thank his father for it. He had felt angry at himself and what did he do? He lashed out at the least deserving person, just like his father would have done.
His mind swam with the sight of her tearstained face, her eyes so full of sorrow and pain. She had pulled him back from the precipice, using only her brave heart and good intentions to accomplish such a remarkable feat; talk about incredible magic.
Witches and wizards talked of magic as if they knew. As if such a word could be summed up with flashy spells and potions and clever charms. No, real magic was doing the impossible, with every odd stacked against you, and that was just what Miss Granger had done today.
Yes, he deserved the lashing that what was coming his way.
He could hear it all so very clearly. All the yelling and screaming, blending together into a single chorus of hatred, seeping into his very bones. He sat in silence as he felt every occupant of the room lay into him, letting loose years worth of anger, disappointment and betrayal upon him like a relentless flood, knowing no end.
"How dare you!"
"She defended you!"
"We could've let you rot, you know?"
"I'm so disappointed in you."
"What a bastard you are!"
"That was a cheap shot, Severus, even for you."
"What is wrong with you, man?!"
What, indeed? Such a good question. What was wrong with him, he idly wondered? So many things, he hardly knew where to begin.
The acerbic words spun 'round and 'round his mind, like a marble trapped in a closed loop, feeding off its own momentum, unable to find an escape. Every nasty, horrible statement was harsh and soul crushing, yet sadly, he realized, full of truth.
He drew a shaky breath and finally opened his eyes, fully expecting rageful faces, maybe even a slap to the face. And yet he was greeted with a surprising sight indeed. A dozen pair of eyes staring at him, with a curious lack of anger.
Sadness, understanding, sympathy shone from their eyes but not anger. As his eyes drifted across the silent crowd, from Poppy and Minerva to Lupin and Mr. Potter, from Mr. Longbottom and Draco, to Kingsley and Doge, he realized that all the terrible things rushing through his mind hadn't come from the good people surrounding him. No, those terrible words had come from within himself, from his own tortured mind.
Everyone was silent, watching the stricken potions master with disappointment and pity, sorrow and exhaustion. Everyone, that is, except for Ron.
"Hermione, wait!" Ron yelled to no avail.
"How dare you speak to her that way!" Ron shouted, as he turned his rageful gaze upon Snape, his hands balled into tight, angry fists.
Ah...good, old, reliable Ronald Weasley. Severus knew he could always count on the young hothead to go with his gut and react out of anger. And Severus wanted that anger, craved it, in fact. The rich, sweet burn of hatred was exactly what Severus needed. His own shame and self-loathing wasn't enough to get the job done. He needed all their wrath, too. He needed to gather up their pain and disappointment, their hatred and anguish and then push them all away. Once alone, he could build his very own prison right here; no cell or warden needed, their words of damnation would do just fine.
"She stuck her neck out for you and that's all the thanks she gets?! You're a real prick, you know that?" Ron spat, his face contorted with anger, his jaw clenched tight as he strode forward to stare down the man he once feared.
"As a matter of fact, I did, Mister Weasley," Severus said softly, as self-hatred wormed its way through his heart.
"Some fucking hero you turned out to be," Ron spat as he turned on his heel.
"I'm going to check on 'Mione," Ron called out as he strode toward the door. He paused for a moment, and turned to find Luna and asked, "She's staying in Gryffindor tower, right?"
Luna nodded her head once as Ron thundered out the door, the heavy doors banging shut in his wake.
Harry made to follow after Ron but stopped as Sirius gently grabbed his arm. The animagus knew how much Hermione would be hurting and knew that she wouldn't appreciate an audience.
The assembled crowd was still stunned into silence from the multiple outbursts and Severus knew this was his chance.
Their sympathy and understanding simply wouldn't do. He needed the pure, raw hatred, the same he had received his whole life, from his father, from the marauders, from Tom Riddle. It's all he knew and he needed it now more than ever.
He wanted to be hated, reviled and tossed aside like the filth he truly was. He wanted to fill himself with it, drown from the weight of it. And he knew this particular group was certainly up to the task for he had given them plenty of ammunition over the years.
Insults, backstabs, outright cruelty; he had done it all to them, rotten bastard that he was. It had all been committed in order to maintain his cover among his Slytherins and their Death Eater parents, but that would matter little to these people.
These people who set store by honor and truth and decency.
These people who would rather bite off their own tongues than willingly betray a friend or hurt an innocent.
They were too good, too pure-hearted. If they truly knew the man they had just defended, they certainly wouldn't be standing here patting him on the back. They could never understand or explain away the atrocities he had committed. His intentions, no matter how noble they may have seemed, wouldn't matter.
No. They could never truly grasp the depths to which he had sunk to over the long, lonely years. Depths that stripped you of your humanity, trapping you deep within their clutches and rendering you inhumane. He had crossed too many bridges to arrive here, he couldn't simply turn around and walk back. Life was never that simple.
And to add painful insult to profound injury, he had just needlessly shamed Hermione Granger; the beloved Gryffindor princess, the brightest witch of her age, the witch with a heart of pure gold who had just saved him from a certain death, although he couldn't for the life of him understand why she had done it. Surely, her nearest and dearest wouldn't let him get away with that. His reckoning was coming and he wanted it.
"That was uncalled for, sir," Harry finally said, his mouth set in a frown, his words tinged with sadness rather than anger.
Severus was momentarily shocked by the young man's civility, given the circumstances. Severus had expected the same angry outburst as his redheaded friend. But apparently Potter had matured some in this last year.
But Severus didn't want civility and so he pressed on, his track having been decided upon, it was certainly too late to change course now. No, he would spew forth hatred until he received the same in return.
"Uncalled for? That's the best you can manage, Potter?", Severus spat, his lips curled in a cruel, dismissive sneer, his eyes glittering with anger. "Did you really expect anything different from me?"
Harry's eyes narrowed ever so slightly at the acerbic words, annoyance flashing across his face. The movement was not lost on Severus.
Ah, yes, now we're getting somewhere, he thought with grim satisfaction. Give me all you've got, Potter.
"Sir," Harry countered with some forced calm, "if it's my hatred you're after, I'm sorry to say I will have to disappoint you because you won't receive it, not anymore. I'm thankful, sir, truly grateful for all you've done. This war would've been lost long ago without your bravery. I would've never survived without you. Thank you, Professor," Harry offered truthfully, his green eyes bearing only sincerity.
No, dear Merlin, no. Not gratitude. Anything but that, Severus thought with a heavy heart.
Even the saccharine sting of pity would be better than being appreciated. The last thing he deserved was praise and he would be damned if he would accept it.
"You can stuff your gratitude, Potter! I don't want it," he spat, his eyes full of rage.
"You may not want it, sir," said Luna, her dreamy voice cutting through the tension-filled air, "but you do deserve it."
"She's right," piped up Neville beside her, "you've suffered under a crushing weight, one you bore alone. We're sorry we didn't...that we couldn't understand your role in all this sooner. We could've helped," Neville said earnestly, standing tall and boldly holding his ground against the man who had tormented him for years.
Lupin and Black nodded in agreement while Minerva and Poppy gazed upon Severus with maternal concern. It would seem they were all here to support him, thank him, accept him as he was and that left him feeling paralyzed with rage.
What in the bloody hell was wrong with these people? Didn't they know who he really was? Perhaps they needed a subtle reminder.
"You all think you've done some noble deed today? Well, let me assure you, you haven't," Severus spat, eyeing them with disdain. "I'm a murderer, plain and simple and you should've left me to rot. I can not believe you would've let Miss Granger talk you into such a foolish endeavor," he growled, earning him several shocked stares.
"Severus, please. Be reasonable," said Minerva, leaning heavily on her cane, looking pained.
"Uncle, please," Draco implored, stepping forward and piping up for the first time since he entered the room.
"Don't let this anger you. The world deserved to know just how much you sacrificed. You saved me and countless others. You can't really believe you deserved prison?" Draco asked, looking truly incredulous.
"You spoiled little brat! You don't get to tell me how I feel! None of you do! You don't know a goddamn thing about me!" Severus roared.
Severus realized he could bear no more. If they couldn't oblige him with the hatred he craved, the least they could do was piss off and leave him to rot in peace.
"Get out! All of you!" Severus raged, hating being stuck in this bed, in this room, trapped like an injured animal.
At this, the whole room seemed to erupt at once, everyone yelling and talking adamently, trying to shake the potions master loose of his delusional thought.
"You're just upset! You need to calm down!", said Kingsley.
"Poppy, he needs a calming draught, he's clearly hysterical!", tried Remus.
"I would've died without you, can't you see the good you've done?!" said Harry.
"This is actually good news, you know!?", said Doge, still completely flummoxed.
"You could try and be grateful!", spat Minerva.
Everyone seemed to be screaming at once, getting absolutely nowhere, neither side willing to concede that the other could possibly be right. It was finally Sirius' voice that rose above the din and a bought everyone's attention.
"ENOUGH!" Sirius bellowed, earning him some much appreciated silence.
"Look, everyone," he said more softly, "it's been a very long day and we're all on edge. I don't think screaming is going to do a damn bit of good, so why don't we call it night. I think everyone could use some food and some sleep. And hopefully this will all make a bit more sense in the morning," Sirius said with a pointed glance to Severus, who looked pale and morose.
Everyone seemed too exhausted, too mentally and physically spent to put up much of a fight after the stressful day they had all faced, especially Severus who honestly felt so very weak and agitated, confusion and uncertainty clouding his thoughts.
Poppy took this as her cue to start hustling the many visitors back the way they came as the infirmary began to slowly empty.
Kingsley and Doge, made a quick exit via the Floo and headed back to the ministry, citing mountains of paperwork that still needed their attention.
Neville and Luna departed quickly thereafter, hand-in-hand, quietly headed off to the kitchens to grab some much needed dinner.
Remus cast a quick Tempus charm and knew that Andromeda had been expecting him over an hour ago. He gave Sirius a quick nod, knowing they would meet shortly back at home and headed off thru the Floo to pick up his son.
Sirius helped Minerva slowly cross the room and sit on an empty bed while Poppy fetched Minerva's many nightly medications. As Minerva downed her healing potions, the trio spoke in hushed tones, with Minerva looking quite tired and pale, the day's events having taken a heavy toll on the ailing headmistress.
That left only Harry and Draco, standing before the Floo. Another odd pair of old enemies, suddenly finding themselves in new territory, without a clue as to how to behave.
Unsure of what to say to one another, Draco finally offered a polite nod to Harry and grabbed a pinch of Floo powder from the mantle to depart. As he stepped close to the flames, Harry called out, "Draco?"
The pure-blood turned with surprise, still unaccustomed to hearing his name come from the gryffindor's lips.
"Draco...it was...it was good of you to come today. You and your mother were amazing in fact, and you've both done a lot of good. I just wanted to say...thank you. Thank you for doing this. It meant a lot to Hermione and...to me," Harry said sincerely.
Draco eyed Harry a moment, so very unaccustomed to not having to be on the defense.
He stepped closer to Harry and said softly, "Potter...Harry, I needed to do this today. Granger was right, without my uncle, I don't think I'd be alive right now. He saved me...in so many ways. As did you," Draco said, swallowing hard, his face open and unguarded in a way Harry had never seen before.
"I just...I..." Draco began and then suddenly stopped, gathering his courage. "Thank you, Harry. You saved me that night, in the room of requirement. You could've let me burn alive and you didn't. I am in your debt."
Draco stuck out his hand, a sign of both gratitude and respect. Harry took it and the pair shook, a small semblance of understanding passing between the pair.
"I don't believe in debts," said Harry.
Draco cracked a small smile at this. "That's because you're a Gryffindor. Slytherins believe otherwise. We don't leave a debt unpaid," he said, this time a bit more loudly, his eyes moving and locking with Severus'. "I was taught better than that."
If the words bothered Severus, he didn't show it. He merely averted his gaze once more and sat in silence.
Pulling his focus back to Harry, Draco offered, "So if there is anything you ever need, if it's within my power to give, you'll have it," Draco said resolutely.
Stunned by the generous offer, Harry decided to be bold as well and offer his childhood enemy a life raft, of sorts.
"Well, as a matter of fact, there is something I need," said Harry. "I think Hermione could use some help around here. I plan on coming in more but we could use all the help we can get. There's so much work that needs to be done still if we want to fix this place and well...Could I convince you to come and stay here? Help us rebuild? Your mother would of course be welcome to stay as well," Harry offered with a smile.
Draco wasn't sure if Harry knew of his financial troubles, and couldn't decide if this was an offer made out of pity or friendship. Draco was a smart, calculating man and he hated not being able to pin down someone's motivation and under any other circumstances, he would've dismissed the offer. But at that moment, Draco decided he didn't care why Harry was making this gesture, for in truth, he was no position to turn it down.
"Yes. Yes, I do believe I can arrange that. Allow me to coordinate a few things and discuss this with my mother. But...yes, I do believe we will able to stay here and help," Draco offered as he felt a heavy weight lift from his shoulders.
"Good. Thank you, Draco," Harry said with a warm smile.
"Thank you, Harry," Draco offered with a small, genuine smile.
And off Draco disappeared in a whirl of emerald flames leaving Harry to wait for Sirius. Harry turned from the flames to see McGonagall offer him a warm, knowing smile, pride shining in her eyes at her young cub's gracious way of offering kindness, even to someone he had considered an enemy for many years.
As Draco departed and Poppy helped Minerva off to bed, Sirius gestured to a waiting Harry that he would be just one moment longer. Sirius walked purposely towards Severus and as he bent down and gathered his belongings, his head dipped and his voice dropped so only Severus could hear him. His words were soft yet firm, leaving no room for interpretation.
"Stop this. Stop this right now, Severus. We are not your enemies," he said, emphatically, finally catching the potions master's obsidian eyes.
Severus stared at Sirius, his eyes bearing such pain but he remained silent.
"Everyone here today, spoke for you, stood up for you, put their name on the line to defend you. He's gone now, Severus, there's no one left to fight," said Sirius, his own eyes shining such concern.
"I understand why you snapped, truly I do. No one else in this room, knows what's like to face what you were facing today. But make no mistake, I do not condone what you just did. They didn't deserve your sharp tongue and neither did Hermione. You don't get to yell at her like that, you understand me? You pull that shit again and I won't come to your rescue," Sirius said resolutely, his words firm yet lacking their usual bite.
"It won't happen again," Severus said, his eyes downcast, blood rushing through his head, feeling lightheaded and weak, the tide of shame and anger rolling in and out of him like ocean waves.
"Good, see that it doesn't," Sirius said straightening up.
As he turned to leave, Severus finally spoke and his words stopped Sirius in his tracks.
"I don't know what in the hell I'm supposed to do now. She just...she's taken my only chance at penance," Severus offered softly, trying to justify his atrocious behavior.
"No, Severus she hasn't taken anything from you. If anything, she's given you a shot at a real life, one actually worth living. Don't piss this away, Severus. This is your chance to fix things, be better. Believe me, we don't get many do-overs. You said men like us don't change, but I think you're wrong, we can change. We just have to take the chances we're given and don't blow them."
"I don't belong here anymore, I never really did," Severus said sadly.
"You have to try Severus, no one else can make you want to live. You have to find that will, but it's in there. Always has been, trust me."
"I don't think it's been there for a very long time," he stated as tears brimmed in his tired eyes.
Sirius sighed, knowing what a long road this would be for Severus. He wished he could spare him the pain, but it was something that Severus would have to parse through on his own. Sirius gave a small nod of understanding and squeezed his shoulder as he stood up straight.
"You think about what I said today. Really think on my words. I'll be back in the morning to check on you."
With that, Sirius strode to the Floo to meet an incredulous Harry.
"Why is he doing this? Can't he see he's innocent?" Harry whispered.
The pair disappeared into the Floo and landed in Grimmauld Place. Alone together in the library, Sirius finally spoke once more.
"Harry, it's a lot more complicated than you can ever imagine. The guilt he's carried...it doesn't just go away because your name gets cleared, believe me. You think I still don't blame myself for your parents' deaths, because I do. Everyday that guilt pains me, haunts me."
"Sirius, no one blames you. I certainly don't. It wasn't your fault!" Harry said honestly.
"Harry, that's all well and good for you to say, but that doesn't make the guilt magically disappear. It's still with me, probably always will be," Sirius offered as he settled into a green wingback chair with Harry settling across from him.
"I know you're a grown man but sometime when I look at you, I see that little baby I let down. I did so many things wrong, Harry, one terrible choice after another and sometimes I can feel the weight of it all upon me. It's a terrible burden to shake. And truthfully that's alright, by me. I don't want to forget my mistakes, I need to remember them so I don't repeat them. But I've learned to also move on and try and focus that pain everyday to do some good."
"Severus will get there too, he just has to forgive himself. Has to let that guilt go. And that's something he'll have to find within himself. It's there, he just can't see it yet. He'll have to do in his own way, in his own time. So have a little patience, lord knows your father was famous for it," Sirius said with a smirk.
Harry nodded and offered a small smile, hoping that his godfather was right.
~~~~0000~~~~
Hermione raced through the castle, tears blinding her eyes, her chest clenched tight with pain and humiliation. She soon found herself before the entrance to the Great Hall, its eerie hollowness stopping her dead in her tracks. With the ceiling completely torn away, the waxing moon was high in the sky and filled the hall with sharp, bright light. She realized that someone would no doubt come looking for her soon and would likely head to her room to try and find her. But she simply couldn't see anyone right now, couldn't bear their pity or hear their niceties. Staying here, for now, seemed like the safest bet to have some privacy.
Slowing walking into the silent hall, the heels of her dress shoes clicking against the stone, the wind quietly whistling though the gaping holes in the walls, it didn't feel like Hogwarts at all, not anymore. She waded through debris and dirt and found her way to the front of the hall. Her eyes sore and red, her body quickly tiring, she slid to a heap onto the filthy floor against the far wall, her small frame cloaked in shadows. She felt the discarded medal thud against the stone as she sat down and wearily pulled it from her pocket.
Alone now, she could examine it closely and marvel at its beauty. She had never seen anything like it before; shining a brilliant pure gold, heavy and rare, it symbolized the highest honor in their society. It was a precious, sacred thing, an honor that most would've killed for and yet it had been thrown away, it was unwanted and unappreciated...just like herself.
She fought for this and yet, it meant nothing. Not a goddamn thing. All this work, all this struggling...all for naught. She swallowed hard as she realized that maybe it was time to stop fighting for things that didn't matter to anyone but herself.
She glanced around the decimated hall and at the destruction that greeted her. Everything was still so broken, so shattered, even though she had working so hard. It hit her hard then, like a swift smack to the face; maybe these broken things couldn't be fixed, maybe they were beyond repair. Maybe she needed to stop trying so hard.
All the wooden boards from the destroyed house tables had been stacked against the crumbled front wall. This was the wall that had once been all stained glass, stretching right up from the floor clear to the heavens. It had bathed the hall in brilliant colorful light each and every day, filling all her lovely memories of the space with color and warmth. Now it was completely destroyed, the exquisite glass crushed and shattered, the hall now dark and gray.
She carefully stood and approached the pile and began to slowly climb atop the wooden boards, her high heels slipping and catching against the jagged, broken wood. Clawing her way up the steep mound, splinters digging deep in her calloused hands, she just managed to make it to the top of the pile and grab ahold of the edge of the stone. Peering over the crumbling wall, she could see clear across the darkened castle grounds and spotted the the glistening lake down below. The black water shimmering with moonlight, its surface dancing lightly with the gentle brush of the wind.
Peering down from her perch, her heart racing, aching, the night wind wiping her hair around, she looked down at the medal still clutched in her hand and realized that she couldn't stand to look at it any longer, let alone hold it.
He didn't want it, he never would, in fact. And there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it.
Without pausing to think a single second longer, she clutched the medal tight in her palm and then using all her might, she flung it far into the night. Breathless, she watched as it soared through the black sky, the gold glinting against the moonlight, the green ribbon whipping like a kite's tail. She felt a grim satisfaction as she heard it hit the water with a distinct splash, causing ripples that danced and jetted off in every direction across the lake's surface.
She could imagine it sinking, diving quickly and deeply into the black depths, to live for all eternity in the muddy water.
Finally free of the heavy medal, she carefully climbed down from the mound and suddenly found herself so very tired. She walked to the very center of the hall and laid down on the filthy floor. Bathed in soft moonlight, staring straight into the night sky, she wept with all her heart. She cried for lost innocence, lost friends, but most of all she wept not for the broken things but for the things that would never come to be. Things that died before they even had a chance to exist.
~~~~0000~~~~
As Sirius and Harry departed, Severus felt thankful to finally be alone. He laid his spinning head down to try and quell his racing mind but much to his consternation, Poppy entered the infirmary once more, looking spiteful, her eyes meeting his with equal fire.
"It's time for your medicine," she said through gritted teeth, snatching several vials from atop her desk and briskly approaching his bedside.
"I'm not some child you can bully, Poppy. I won't be taking anything you have to offer so leave me alone!" he spat.
Her lips twisted into a cruel, spiteful smirk, the likes of which Severus had never seen before.
"Ah, going to yell at me, now are you? Go on then, give it all you've got. Rant and rave till your throat gives out. I can take it," she said, lips pursed in anger.
"Get out!", he screamed.
"No, this is my infirmary, I'm not going anywhere," she said defiantly.
"Fine, then I'll leave," he said, pulling his sheets aside, making as if he could stand after everything he'd been through in the past day.
"Oh, really? You have severe neuropathy in both legs and acute nerve damage on your right side, where exactly will you mange to go on your own?", she asked rhetorically.
"Home. I do have one you know. I'll get there just fine," he said bluffing, sitting up once more with great difficulty, his face contorting from the considerable pain.
"And just how will you manage to get there?", she asked in mock curiosity.
As much as he longed to escape this castle and all the insufferable do-gooders within it, he found he couldn't even move his legs at this point with painful cramps seizing the sinewy muscles tight, the pain rolling through him in waves. He was well and truly trapped and it felt infuriating. He couldn't walk, couldn't take a piss alone, clean himself or heal on his own. He would have to accept help, at least from Poppy and relying on others had never been his strong suit. His anger bubbled once more at his plight.
"Just get out!", he screamed, his body falling back onto his bed with thud.
"No. No more, Severus. You can't hide from me, young man," she said firmly, standing before him. "Just how many more chances do you think you'll get?"
"Who said I wanted another chance!? Everyone seems to know what's best for me! Did you ever think about what I want?!", he roared.
"And just what is you want?", she asked calmly, her arms crossed, eyes bright with anger.
"To be left to rot! I've earned that right! But you self-righteous do-gooders just had to intervene didn't you?! God damn you people for helping me! God damn Albus and Lily! And god damn Miss Granger, above all else!", he roared, his chest heaving from the effort.
"I don't want this! I don't want any of this! I never wanted to survive!", he said sadly.
"Well, that's just too damn bad, because you're here now," she stated matter-of-factly.
"Please, please...Don't remind me," he said, shutting his eyes against that painful reality.
"So that's it then? You're just going to piss about like a spoiled brat. After everything we've done for you?"
If Poppy could've breathed fire, she would have. Her eyes alight with anger, her jaw clamped shut, she turned and strode wordlessly to her medicine cabinet and jerked open the door to reveal rows upon rows on iridescent potions. Her hands immediately found what they were looking for and clasped several vials of ruby red potion and strode to Severus' bedside, her face like thunder.
"Don't want to live, do you?! Fine! Take these!", she spat, picking up his one good hand and roughly shoving the vials into this grasp.
Severus was too shocked to speak or move. His silence only further enraged the mediwitch.
"Take them!", she yelled. "Three vials of lionfish bile aught to do it. A man your size and in such a weak state, that should stop your heart within a minute."
He stared at the vials, his pale fingers caressing the smooth glass. His ticket to freedom, his ticket home.
"Swallow them and be done with this world...be done with us, you fucking coward!", she roared, her face stained beet red with anger.
"I am not a coward," he said, his voice low, his throat closing tight from the rush of overwhelming emotions.
"Oh, really? Then prove it," she spat. "Stop thinking only of yourself and realize that maybe you were saved for a reason! Maybe you have a purpose, a calling," she said angrily.
He sat in silence, and turned his head away, not wanting to hear her words of fate and calling. She let out a heavy sigh at this and settled onto the stool beside him, looking thoroughly worn-out and disgusted.
She shook her head sadly at the pitiful man laying before her.
"You know, Severus, existing is tricky, but living's a gift. A gift that many would happily take we're they given the opportunity you were."
"I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be saved," he said softly, desperate to be understood.
"And yet, you were. Don't you see how lucky you are? We lost so many, Severus. You weren't awake to see it...", she offered, turning to look out the window and stare into the night sky, her anger draining.
"The Weasleys' lost Fred and Remus lost Nymphadora. Their son is only two months old, I don't know if you know that. His child will never know his mother," she said softly.
"Parvati...Lavender...Collin...all perished. So young, so goddamn foolish and goodhearted and brave. They had their whole lives ahead of them," she said, shaking her head sadly.
"Minerva and I...we were the ones who had to identify their bodies and then go and tell their parents. We had to sit in their living rooms, and drink their tea and tell them their babies wouldn't be coming home. They had to bury their children, Severus...can you even imagine the horror of that?", she asked, now looking at him, tears spilling down her cheeks.
He met her gaze and sadly shook his head.
"Let me ask you something Severus, how do you think you ended up here, in the infirmary? After the battle, how do you think you arrived here?" Poppy asked, anger still painting her pale cheeks a flushed pink.
"For fuck's sake, Poppy, what does it matter?", he asked sounding so very defeated.
"It actually matters a great deal," she said quietly, pulling the stool up close so she could hold his gaze, "so I want you to take a moment and a really think about that night. Think about all the things that needed to happen for you to go from bleeding to death in that shack to finding yourself here in this bed, being nursed back to life."
He blew out an exasperated sigh at being treated this way. Being talked down to.
"I don't know, Poppy. I really haven't given it much thought," he answered dryly, avoiding her gaze.
"Of course, you haven't, you selfish bastard. Too busy wallowing in self-pity," she said pointedly.
His head snapped up at her harsh words and eyed her with open hostility.
"Excuse me? That's out of line, Poppy," he said, his temper flaring at her rude remarks.
"No, it isn't. It's merely fact. Come now, Severus. Placate an old woman, why don't you? Hazard a guess as to how you got back to the castle," she demanded, her mouth set in a firm, hard line.
"I don't know, Poppy. You must have come and retrieved me at some point," he said, his arms crossed in annoyance.
"Do you really think I went traipsing to that decrepit shack in the middle of a battle to bring you back here?", she asked with an uncharacteristic smirk.
"I can assure you, Severus, I did no such thing," she answered firmly.
This stopped him. The brief moments he had thought about his rescue, his memory felt clouded and he had trouble recalling exactly what had happened. He simply assumed it had been Poppy or some auror who had found him and brought him to the castle.
Suddenly thinking back to those terrifying moments, when he was drifting in and out of consciousness, his mind cleared and he suddenly remembered something...it had been a woman who had stopped his bleeding and she had called him 'professor'. Her caring voice, her warm hands on his skin. It all came crashing atop him as realization hit him.
"If it wasn't you, then...then it must have been...", he said softly, his mouth dry, his eyes wide with recognition.
"That's right. It was Hermione who saved you. She's the one who cauterized your wound in the shack and stopped you from bleeding to death. When Voldemort was dead, it was she who risked life and limb to get back to you and bring you to the castle for proper treatment."
"She was the one who saved me in the shack? She...she didn't tell me," he said disbelieving, his voice softening at the nurse's stunning admission.
"Of course, she didn't tell you. She has a good, humble heart, not that you would notice. She no doubt didn't want you to feel beholden to her."
Poppy shook her head angrily at the man before her, her disappointment and bitterness finally bubbling to the surface.
"She has dressed your wounds, read to you, held your hand when you had night terrors. That woman, that insufferable know-it-all, as you've so cruelly referred to her all these years, is the only reason you're still alive!" Poppy yelled, standing up and glowering at Severus, her body shaking with rage.
"And how do you repay her?! By shaming her and degrading her, in front of a crowd no less!"
"You can hate yourself all you want, Severus. Wallow in it for all I care, but don't you dare think for one second that you can treat that wonderful woman with such disregard."
"She didn't need to save you, heal you, care for you or work to clear your name!" Poppy roared.
"But she did it all the same," he said quietly, looking at his hand still clasping the three vials, shame working its way through him.
"That she did. So maybe, just maybe, you could stop thinking only of yourself for a single goddamn moment and scrape together a small drop of appreciation for that poor girl. She's lost both parents, many friends, and her entire youth to this bloody war, don't think she isn't hurting too!", she raged.
"Poppy, I'm...I am truly sorry," he offered, unaccustomed to uttering such words, his eyes meeting hers with sincerity.
She leaned close to him, her rage barely contained, "I'm not the one you need to apologize to."
He nodded, willingly suffering her wrath as a small penance.
"I...I wasn't thinking about her or anyone else for that matter. I simply didn't know, Poppy," he offered as a feeble explanation for his deplorable behavior.
"Well...now you do," she said with a disapproving glare as she stood and swept away to restock her medicine cabinet, leaving a thoroughly anguished potions master in her wake.
Alone once more, he eyed the vials still clutched in his pale hands. The escape they offered suddenly didn't seem like such a blessing. They truly were the coward's way out and he realized that he neither wanted nor deserved the easy way.
He blew out a heavy sigh and gently deposited the vials on his bedside table and reached instead for the Daily Prophet and began to read of the day's amazing news.
Severus Snape Found Not Guilty: Secret Double-Agent Awarded Order or Merlin, First Class
In a shocking turn of events, Severus Snape, known Death Eater and murderer of Albus Dumbledore, was found not guilty today of aiding and abetting Lord Voldemort and was furthermore awarded the Order of Merlin, First Class, for his unparalleled sacrifice and allegiance to the wizarding world.
Evidence and testimonies from multiple sources painted a convincing portrait of a man often misunderstood and maligned. These rare glimpses showed a more humane and deeply committed side to Severus Snape, one not often seen by many.
Minerva McGonagall, current Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, took the witness stand first and spoke of a dedicated man who put the needs and safety of students above his own as he served as spy and secret double-agent for the Light since the end of the First Wizarding War.
Poppy Pomfrey, mediwitch of Hogwarts, provided medical records dating back twenty years showing dozens of injuries Mr. Snape endured as a spy for the light including broken bones, internal bleeding, deep lacerations, third-degree burns, several comas due to poison exposure and even two incidents where his heart temporarily stopped due to damage from prolonged exposure to the Cruciatus Curse.
"His work, his double-life, was beyond dangerous. Each time he was called to the Dark Lord's side, there was no guarantee he would even return. Each and every time, that was the ever-present risk he lived with. His true allegiances to the Light could've been uncovered at anytime. He knew this risk, and he took it anyway, just so he could be of service to the greater good. He's braver than anyone ever gave him credit for."
Remus J. Lupin, werewolf, member of the Order of the Phoenix and former professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts, testified that he had been anonymously receiving his monthly dose of wolfsbaine for the last several years. An expensive potion, known for its rare ingredients and high degree of brewing difficulty, the doses arrived each month regardless of where in the world Mr. Lupin was.
"It always arrived right on time, with a small note reminding me to not skip any dosages. I could never be sure who sent it until now," stated Lupin. Through a sophisticated hand-writing identification spell, Miss Hermione Granger was able to show that the small note that had been attached to the potion matched other writing samples of Professor Snape's writing found on students' papers.
"I always had a feeling it had been from Severus and so I took it. Even after he killed Albus, the potion kept arriving just as it had for the previous two years and a small part of me still trusted him. I took because I was grateful for it, it was truly a godsend. Had he truly been evil, he could've easily poisoned it. But as you can see, that wasn't the case. It was always done perfectly."
Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom, students at Hogwarts and members of Gryffindor house, testified that while in residence as Hogwarts' Headmaster, Snape prevented any harm from befalling the students, often intervening on students' behaves against Amicus and Alecto Carrow, known Death Eaters installed by the then-corrupt Ministry of Magic to teach and serve as deputy heads.
"The Carrows seemed bent on inflicting as much harsh punishment and chaos as possible, but Professor Snape always protected us. He never allowed any harm to befall us. It was a terrifying time and he did his best, in his own way, to safeguard us," said Neville Longbottom.
Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini, students at Hogwarts and members of the house of Slytherin, also spoke to a gentler side to Professor Snape. Tales of purchasing new school robes and books for less fortunate students abounded, with Snape covering the cost out of his own pocket, done anonymously and without any fanfare. Parkinson even mentioned seeing Professor Snape anonymously leaving small bags of spending money for students, who came from less advantaged families, to spend on leisure weekends to Hogsmeade.
"He had a reputation for being strict, even severe at times. But deep down, he cared a great deal about his students," said Parkinson. "He gave a lot of himself, I don't think that's something many people were able to see or appreciate."
Draco and Narcissa Malfoy, son and wife of disgraced Lucius Malfoy, known Death Eater, who is currently serving eighteen years in Azkaban prison for his ties to Lord Voldemort, offered testimony and access to their memories showing the Wizengamot that Draco had originally been the one tapped to murder Albus Dumbledore at the behest of Lord Voldemort. Fearing for her son's safety, Narcissa approached Severus Snape and asked him to enter into an Unbreakable Vow with Mrs. Malfoy, promising to protect her son and to murder Albus Dumblore in her son's place.
"He took an immense burden from my shoulders. It's an enormous debt, one that I can never truly repay," said a somber Draco Malfoy.
Although highly unorthodox, the Wizengamot also allowed testimony from two portraits of deceased Hogwarts Headmasters, Phineas Nigellus and Albus Dumbledore.
Nigellus spoke of how while serving as Headmaster, Snape used Nigellus' unique position in a pair of moving portraits to keep tabs on Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley, while they were searching for the horcruxes that Lord Voldemort had made to contain fragments of his soul. Nigellus testified that Snape purposely planted Godric Gryffindor's sword in the Forest of Dean and sent his patronus to lead Harry Potter right to it, thus giving Potter a huge leg-up against the Dark Lord.
Albus Dumbledore then testified that he had in deed tasked Snape with the burden of taking his life so as to spare Draco Malfoy from having to commit such a heinous act. Dumbledore also revealed that he had been suffering from a life-threatening curse the year prior to his death and would have in fact died even without Snape's intervention.
"Severus spared me a slow, painful death and he maintained his precarious position, just as I had asked of him," said Dumbledore. "Without him, we would've surely lost."
Harry Potter, the famous 'boy who lived', who defeated Lord Voldemort also revealed several stunning details about Snape during his time as Hogwarts' Potions Master. Through the use of many memories via a pensieve, Potter showed Professor Snape saving his life on many occasions over the course of seven years.
"I was arrogant. I thought I knew who the enemy was but I was blinded by hatred," said Potter. "He taught me occlumency although I never made it easy. Professor Snape also saved me, so many times, from Quirrell, Umbridge, Barty Crouch Jr, from Death Eaters. He also helped save myself and Sirius Black during the Death Eater attack at the ministry, I've could've easily lost my godfather that night had Professor Snape not alerted the Order in time. All throughout my youth, he was there, quietly doing the thank less job of saving me from myself. So I could be there at the the end to face Voldemort. He's an incredible man. Truly he is. I owe him my life," said an emotional Potter.
Finally, Hermione Granger, who coincidentally served as chief defense for Severus Snape, offered up her own memories of a night during her third year, when she found herself, along with Ronald Weasley and Harry Potter, in a life-threatening situation against an unidentified and unmedicated werewolf. In the memory, the golden trio were facing a certain death at the claws of the unrepentant beast when Severus Snape arrived in the nick of time to spare the trio from a deadly fate and kept the feral wolf at bay until he could safely return the three students to the school.
According to the eloquent and beautiful, young war hero, "How could such a man be truly guilty of conspiring with the Dark Lord when he could've let us all perish so very easily?"
"Severus Snape has sacrificed his safety, his good name, his very soul to protect Hogwarts, all of its many students and faculty and indeed the entire wizarding world. We would not be standing here today were it not for this selfless, brave individual. Place don't let his sacrifice go unnoticed."
Despite Severus Snape being absent from the proceedings due to life-threatening injuries he sustained during the final battle, the overwhelming evidence spoke for itself. The Wizengamot voted unanimously to pardon Severus Snape on all charges.
Chief Warlock, Elphias Doge, was quoted as saying, "Sometimes we are not afforded the full picture and have to piece the puzzle together ourselves. But today, Miss Granger did all the hard work for us and showed us just how incredible a man Severus Snape truly is. We owe him a great debt."
Setting the paper down, Severus felt truly stunned. She really had done the impossible; made a saint out of a sinner, at least in the eyes of the law. His heart ached as the weight of it all settled atop him. Freedom, true freedom was finally his. And all because of this brave, amazing woman. The woman he had screamed at, had hurt, had brought to tears.
Never, in his entire life, had Severus Snape felt more ashamed than he did at that very moment.
~~~~0000~~~~
Ron rushed through the castle, his long legs sprinting down filthy corridors and down crumbling steps, as he headed toward Gryffindor tower. Passing the decimated Great Hall, he suddenly stopped as he heard a soft sobbing coming from the far end. His heart beat pounding in his ears, he almost dismissed the noise until he realized with a pang that the soft crying was emmenating from the very woman he was looking for.
Curled up in a ball, hugging her knees to her chest, her dress robes tossed aside, Hermione sat against the far right wall, not far from where their house table should have been were it not broken into splinters and bits.
Ron approached cautiously, his feet gingerly stepping over broken boards and crushed stone.
"Go away, please," Hermione said, without even looking up, her voice thick with tears.
"Oh, 'Mione," Ron said softly, crouching down to place a soft hand on her shoulder.
The careful, tender touch made her reserve, the one she always held so firmly in place, crumble like the castle walls around her. She launched herself into Ron's arms, clutching him dearly as she violently sobbed, her whole body shaking and heaving from the effort.
Ron held her, pulling her right and the pair remained as one on the floor for a very long time, her soft sobs gradually ebbing.
"Are you alright?", he finally asked.
"No," she answered honestly.
"Oh, 'Mione. I'm so sorry," he offered, tenderly holding her.
"Why are you apologizing? You've done nothing wrong," she said.
"I just hate seeing you so torn up. He had no right to speak that way to you. After all you've done for him, he's a real bastard."
"He's not, Ron, he's just...I don't know what he is, I really don't. I honestly should've expected this. He told me yesterday not to use his memories. And I knew...I knew he didn't want to be defended, but I just thought, that deep down, I was doing the right thing. I knew he would be angry, I guess I just wasn't really prepared to face it. Especially not in front of everyone. Deep down, I thought he would be happy or...", Hermione trailed off, not sure of what she wanted to say.
"Grateful?", Ron stated.
She nodded as more tears spilled down her cheeks, leaning her tired head against her dear friend.
"Yeah, I thought so too," he said, holding her hand tenderly, his other hand, tucking an errant curl behind her ear.
She smiled at his tenderness, looking him in his deep green eyes. He smiled at her, his eyes sweeping across her face.
She realized she was so very tired of being tossed aside, taken for granted, treated like nothing. She wanted to feel something else. She wanted to rid herself of the anger and disappointment, drive it out of her heart, if only for a blessed moment.
Ron's smile faded then as he suddenly looked serious, her body tensing under his unwavering gaze. He reached a tentative hand up and cupped her warm face, holding her like she was the most precious thing in the whole world.
He leaned forward then and brought his rough lips against her soft ones. She felt her chest seize and her breathing stop at the contact. His kiss was soft and tender. His hand splayed across her back, dipped lower and settled at her waist, wrapping around her hip as he pulled her tight against his long body.
Her eyes closed as she gave herself over to the sensations swirling through her like a wind storm. Wrapped in darkness, she could shut off all her senses and just feel. Feel his lips and hands and the heat of his body against hers. She could allow it to comfort her even if it wasn't what she really wanted.
She didn't deepen the kiss but neither did she pull away, and Ron took it as all the assurance he needed to take it a step further. His hand tangled in her curls and pulled her tighter, his kisses becoming more forceful and possessive as his mouth bruised against her own with heat and desire.
"Oh, 'Mione, you feel so damn good. This feels so right," he uttered as he used his strong grip to gently push her onto her back and settle atop her.
Her heart racing, her mind whirling, this all should've felt amazing, exciting at the very least. And yet, it somehow felt... hollow, like she were playing the part of the young lover rather than genuinely living in this moment.
She was overthinking this, she knew it. As Ron's strong hands drifted up under her shirt and fondled her breasts, his lips peppering her neck and shoulder with kisses, she tried to relax and enjoy it. No man had ever touched her like this, it was supposed to feel good, wasn't it?
She wanted to shut her mind off, she really did. But every little thing seemed to catch her attention and hold it tight like a horse's rein. His kiss was too forceful, his weight too much to bear on her small frame, his hair hung around her face, flushing her with unwanted heat. As the reality of what she was doing sunk in, she began to panic, feeling like a lead weight sat atop her chest. Breathing soon became impossible.
Sitting bolt upright, roughly pushing him aside, she began to hyperventilate.
"Ron, no please. Stop! I can't..I can't breathe!", her face contorted with pure panic.
"What's wrong?", Ron sat up breathless, looking worried.
She could only gasp for air as Ron gently rubbed her back, his own eyes wide with concern.
"It's okay just breathe," he offered softly.
"I don't think I want this!", she blurted out.
"'Mione, it's okay. I didn't mean to rush. I just got excited, is all. We can slow down," he offered gently.
"No, Ron, I can't do this with you...at all," she said resolutely.
"'Mione, I don't understand...I thought...I thought you wanted this?", Ron offered, clearly confused at the sudden turn of events.
"No, Ron, I'm sorry. I can't do this with you, I'm sorry, I don't want this," she stated firmly.
"'Mione, I think you're just overwhelmed, it's been a rough day, a rough few weeks. I think you've been giving too much of yourself. You could use a break," said Ron.
"A break? What do you mean?", she said, pulling away from him slightly, not understanding.
"I mean you've been holed up here since the final battle. It's not healthy, how hard you've been working. Nobody even appreciates all your hard work," he said.
Her anger suddenly swelled at his thoughtless words.
"Of course, I'm appreciated Ron," she snapped. "And I'll have you know, I'm not here to get some pat on the back. I'm here because this is important me. I can't simply up and take off, I have people counting on me. I can't just leave."
"Mione, you don't have to stay here. Walk away," Ron said resolutely.
"Walk away?", she asked incredulously.
"Yes."
"From...from Hogwarts?", she asked disbelievingly.
"Yes," he said with a nod.
"Where would I go?", she said, genuinely at a loss.
"With me," Ron offered with a soft smile. "Charlie has offered me an apprenticeship with him, in Romania. I'm going to learn all about dragons," he said looking genuinely happy.
Hermione was clearly stunned by this news, hardly taking it in.
"Dragons? Are you sure, Ron? This just seems so sudden. It's dangerous work, you know. I never knew you even had an interest in dragons," she offered, her face betraying her worry.
"I never was interested really, but I think I just need to get away. With everything that's happened, I just feel like there's nothing here for me. I don't want to be an auror, anymore. I've done enough fighting. This job with Charlie, it would be a fresh start, away from all of this. I've told Mum and Dad and Harry, as well and they all approve."
"That's wonderful, Ron, I'm so happy for you," she said sincerely.
He smiled at her words, "So, come with me, Hermione. We could start something new together, it'd be all our own. I want to do this with you," Ron offered, tenderly cupping her cheek and pulling her close.
She cast her eyes aside, not bearing to see the hope shining bright in his eyes.
"Oh Ron, I...I can't, there's still more for me to do here," she said, pulling away from his comforting touch, looking anguished.
"Hermione, there's always going to be more to do. But you can't throw your whole life away on fixing some old castle... or some old man. You don't owe Hogwarts or Snape a damn thing. You've given them enough," Ron said, his voice pleading.
"Ron, you don't understand," she said pulling further from him, biting her lip, as tears welled in her eyes. "You never did. This...this place is my home, it's my heart. I have to fix it. I can't walk away from it," she said resolutely.
"Can't walk away from Hogwarts or from him?", Ron asked softly, his voice completely devoid of its usual anger.
She stopped at his words, and looked him square in the eye.
"You're in love with Snape, aren't you?", he asked, smiling sadly.
"I...I don't know what you're talking about," she stammered, looking away.
"Don't play dumb with me," he said softly. "You've always loved him, haven't you? Even before all this madness and the war, you cared for him. You defended him, always gave him the benefit of the doubt. I saw it, so many times, how you would look at him. I just never wanted to believe it was true. But you love him, I can see that now. It's plain as day, even to a fool like me," Ron said, his eyes turned away.
"I don't...I mean, I...it doesn't matter what I feel, Ron," she offered, shaking her head, trying to hold back the wave of sadness that threatened to crash over her any second.
"Of course, it matters. Who ever told you it doesn't matter?" Ron said softly.
She hugged herself tight, as tears welled in her eyes. Allowing herself to feel the sharp burn of not only Snape's rejection of her but also her rejection of Ron. The pain of it all took her breath away.
She leaned her head against the wall as the tears came, quietly trickling down her cheeks. She felt so very lost.
Watching her closely, Ron finally reached over and gently took her small hand in his own. He sat quietly for a while, slowly tracing her delicate fingers as if he had only just now seen them.
"You know," he finally said, "when I was a kid, maybe eleven or twelve, I asked my dad, I said, 'Dad, how did you know mum was the one?'"
"Do you know what he told me? He said, 'Son, from the moment I saw your mum, my whole world felt brighter, I felt like someone finally turned on all the color. I'm my happiest when I'm with her. My heart sings because of her,'" Ron said, with a small smile.
"And that was it, that's all he said. I thought he was such a damn fool. Sounded like something he got from a muggle song, it sounded so silly," he chuckled softly recalling the memory. Hermione smiled slightly too.
"But then, I don't know, somewhere along the way I realized...", he softly said, swallowing hard as he held her gaze. "That's what I felt when I was with you. I still do in fact, like my heart is singing," he offered, earnestly.
"But your heart doesn't sing for me, does it?", he asked looking right at her.
She stifled a sob at the anguish she could see plainly written across her dear friend's face.
"I'm so sorry, Ron. I never knew you loved me, not like this. I thought it was just a crush or desire, I never knew you really loved me. I never wanted to hurt you," she said, honestly, clutching his hand dearly as she realized just how deeply his love for her ran.
"I know you didn't," he said sadly. "I could understand if it was Harry or someone who's cared for you, someone who's decent. But Snape...I just don't know how you can love him. I mean, his past aside, he's got a whole new life now and he's still the miserable bastard we grew up with. He's still cruel and dismissive. How could you love that? How could you give your heart to a man who doesn't even want it", he asked honestly, expecting some kind of logical explanation for such illogical behavior.
But the heart was not such an easily calibrated instrument. It couldn't be wound tight and fixed to right, it was never that simple. Ron was realizing in this painful moment that the heart couldn't be counted on for rationality.
"I'd do anything for you, you know? I'd go to the ends of the earth to please you," Ron said as tears quietly trickled down his freckled cheeks, his face flushed with the crushing realization that she would never be his.
"You saved his life, Hermione. Twice in fact...and that prick won't even thank you," Ron said, as his head tilted back to stare into the black expanse, finding no comfort from the stars.
"I guess you're right, Hermione," he finally offered, with a sad shake of his head. "I don't understand anything at all."
She swallowed hard at the sadness in his voice. She brought forth that sadness once more and she hated herself anew for leaving that cut, for causing that pain in her friend.
He leaned forward then and took her face in his hands and kissed her forehead, his lips trembling against her pale skin as he relished the touch for the last time.
"Good luck, Hermione," he offered with a sad smile, as he wearily stood to leave.
Slowly making his way to the doors, he turned and said, "I hope he can one day deserve that beautiful heart of yours." And with that, he walked out of the hall without a single glance back.
Alone again, as always, Hermione buried her face in her hands, ashamed, disappointed, completely spent. A small twisted part of her savored the harsh burn as a small penance for hurting Ron.
It's better this way, she thought. It's better we did this now rather than ten years down the road.
But this thought was little solace to the young woman who just lost one of her dearest friends.
A/N: The line "existing is tricky, but living's a gift" is also by EE Cummings. I feel like every line that man wrote was simply exquisite, so expect a healthy amount of his quotes to make an appearance in this fic :)
So I know this chapter was LONG, and I'm still not entirely happy with it, but I simply had to stop fiddling with it. I really wanted to give both Severus and Hermione some air-time and leave each of them reaching a moment of self-revelation: Severus realizing what an incredible feat Hermione has accomplished & how much he owes her, and Hermione realizing that you can't force another to love you. Severus turning towards Hermione while she turns away from him. Hope that came across well. So angsty, I know, but fear not. Happier moments are just around the corner :)
Thanks, once more, for reading. Take care :)