Chapter 9

Shane had been reading Mitchie's journal for three days straight. Surprisingly, he wasn't bored. But that didn't stop him from wanting to stop and just go to Mitchie. But then again, he also didn't have the guts to do so. Shane had read several entries already-all of them telling him how much Mitchie missed him.

"I wonder if she still misses me...Like right now?" he asked himself, staring at the gray sky outside his window. He had always hated the rain. No one could blame him for that. Mitchie broke up with him on a rainy day and the rain followed him in Los Angeles after their break up and it had hurt him so much to be reminded of that gloomy day.

"My dog died on a rainy day, too." he thought to himself, looking for more reasons to despise the rain.

He took a sip of his cold coffee before opening the journal to a page that he had folded…

Shane,

I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Ella's back from college for the winter holidays so it's been CRAZY around here again. She and Caitlyn are always here at the house keeping me company. I don't really feel like going out right now. Lots of people will be out there doing their Christmas shopping. I don't want to distract them with my giant belly. And besides, it's hard to move about with it, too.

I can't believe little Mitchie's birthday (hate the pun, by the way) is just weeks away. I'm so excited but at the same time I'm so scared. So scared. Not only of birth but what comes after that. I mean, I'm going to be a mother for crying out loud! From now on, there's going to be two of us. From now on, there's going to be someone I'll be responsible for.

I saw her again yesterday. She's not really moving as much as she used to. That freaked me out a little until Dr. Daniels said it was normal because she's preparing herself to be born. And it's not like she has a lot of space in there to move about. Sometimes, I wish she'd just stay inside me. It just seems…safer…easier.

Dad's back too, by the way. But he's always in his office. I think he's still mad at me although I saw him smiling at me that day he arrived. He must have thought I didn't see him. But I did. And it made me feel a whole lot better. But I wish he would talk to me though.

I wonder what you're doing now. I bet you're having fun with your big family there. I bet you're being given lots of kisses and fluffy knitted vests and itchy sweaters with funny prints by all the women in your family. And I bet you're hating them. Kidding. I just hope and pray you're having fun.

I MISS YOU…

Love always,

Mitchie

After reading that entry, Shane remembered his first Christmas without Mitchie…

"Shane?" his mother called out to him.

He was standing on the porch looking out on yet another gray sky. He gave his mother a weak smile as she walked to him.

"Merry Christmas, Mom." he said as he kissed her on the cheek.

"Something's telling me you're not having a very merry Christmas right now." his mother said, rubbing his back.

He stood still for a moment.

"You miss Mitchie, don't you?" she asked, breaking the silence.

Shane nodded as he took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears from coming.

"I can tell you love her so much but if she doesn't want you then I guess it's a sign that you have to give that love to someone else. Someone more deserving."

Shane looked at his mother with a surprised look on his face.

"Come on, Honey. You're young and there are other girls out there. Don't dwell on a high school romance with a sad ending." she said, smiling at him, trying to make him feel better.

He smiled right back at her.

But he didn't feel any better.

In fact, he felt even worse.

Shane tried so hard to forget about Mitchie throughout college. He tried to follow his mother's advice. And that's when he met Tess Tyler- a beautiful, elegant girl but who was also high maintenance. That was even an understatement. "What do you expect? She's blonde!" his friends used to joke when he complained about how Tess always talked about clothes. He was happy with Tess. He loved her. But maybe not as much as he loved Mitchie.

Shane turned to the next page.

Shane…

I'm so tired so I'm going to sit down for now and write you a note.

Gosh, I can't believe it's Christmas Eve tomorrow…I can finally feel the Christmas spirit. We just put up the Christmas tree plus a whole lot of other décor around the house. And I can smell all the food mom's cooking. Christmas carols are playing everywhere and it's soooooo cold here! And I've got a bunch of gifts already! I'm just sad. I haven't been to church in months. I want to go but I'm too scared. I mean, it's a church. They're supposed to let me in no matter what. But you know how some people are. They've become too cold and unfeeling for many reasons. That's one thing I don't want to be. Cold and heartless. I don't want our baby to experience any of that. Especially from me.

And I'm so sad because I miss you more than ever! Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So true. But here's another truth – Reality bites. And, mind you, really bad.

God, I MISS YOU!!!

I have to go now. Mom's calling for me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS…

Mitchie

Shane smiled at the thought of them brooding at that very same moment that Christmas...

Shane…

It's been a while. How was your Christmas? I had a blast…somewhat. Well let's just say that this was the most exhausting, painful, emotional yet the happiest Christmas I have ever had in my entire life. I had a baby…

I'm watching over her right now. I can't believe she's here.

You won't understand how scared I was when that first wave of intense pain swept over me and they rushed me to the hospital at five in the afternoon. First of all, the baby was way behind her due date. In addition, firstborns normally go way beyond their due date so I felt that something must have gone wrong for her to want out now. Second, we weren't done with my baby shower yet. Okay…shallow…Whatever. I'm scared of a lot of things but nothing compared to what I was feeling at that point in time. I was scared of the pain. I was scared for myself. I was scared for the baby. I was scared of everything else after that. All the questions that I thought I found the answers to came rushing back to me. What if I wasn't going to be a good mother? What if my baby's going to hate me? What if I made a mistake of keeping her? So many questions. No answers. So I just cried in vain. And in pain. I don't know how women actually go through that. I don't know how I did. The last few moments were the most intense. I thought I was going to die then and there. When she finally came I almost passed out but then I heard her tiny cries. I opened my eyes and they handed her to me. She was so tiny and wrinkled and pink and yucky, but she was perfect. All 5 pounds and 7 ounces of her. I couldn't help but cry too. Then I looked around me and I saw Mom, Caitlyn and Ella bawling like babies too. And I laughed. I think I was going crazy at that time. It's funny how just a few seconds ago I thought I was on the verge of death and then I was carrying my little baby girl and it's like everything was right in this world. Funny what babies can do.

Dad and I are fine now, too. When he came to see us and it was another whole sob-fest again. Just remembering it still makes me cry. But I'm glad that everything's good between us now.

Sarah Natasha is beautiful. Yeah, that's her name. It literally means "Princess Christmas." Fits her perfectly. She's my little Princess. The best gift I've ever received on a Christmas Day. I can't get over how perfect she is! – very soft skin and tiny wisps of dark hair and she smells so heavenly! She's not quite a handful. She's a good girl. She barely cries. She's just…wonderful. It's amazing how just watching her sleep and hearing her sigh can do so much to me. Now I know what I have to do with my life. I want the best for her and I will really try to give her all that she deserves. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Second to you. I wish you were here with us. I wish you could see her and watch her sleep. I'm sure you'd be very happy and proud. But for now, all I can do is write to you about her…and wish you love.

Miss you,

Mitchie

Shane wished he had been there.

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