So sorry for the delay. This school year ended up being much busier than anticipated. I'm on spring break now and am devoting it to writing as much of this story as I can, so that I have at least a few updates for you once I get back to school and can't write.
I like how this chapter turned out a lot. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter Ten
The cold had crept into the city again, frost covering the campus as December came into full effect.
Clary dreaded this month, and the increased number of flashbacks to the accident that came with it. Recently, she wasn't only seeing herself in the car with her brother and father moments before the crash, she was also seeing herself as Samara moments before the car collided with Samara's body.
These flashbacks were draining Clary. Every time she had to relive the death of her father and brother or the death of Samara, her resolve was broken bit by bit. Her grades were dropping— and she was worried that Jace would notice, though he hadn't said anything last few weeks at the library. But she could tell that he had noticed her inability to focus, and had commented on how he had to try to get her attention multiple times before she would respond.
Isabelle knew how Clary got around this time, and was doing her best to support her any way she could. But there was nothing she could do- the process of reliving the crashes more vividly than ever before was slowly destroying her.
Too soon, the day came. December 19. The day of the anniversary. Clary woke up from a restless sleep to her mother knocking gently on the door. This was again typical. Her mother was worried for Clary's sake on this day each year, wanting to give comfort but unsure of what to say to her. Clary appreciated this sentiment, but she just wanted to be left alone.
When her mother knocked again, Clary pretended to be just getting up, stretching her arms out as her mother entered the room.
"Morning, Clary," she said, quietly. Clary looked up at her mom's worried eyes and sighed. Clary sometimes forgot that she was not the only one that had lost loved ones that day. Her mother had been surprisingly strong the years following the accident, taking up the role of mother and father. But she hadn't been there. They hadn't died because of her.
"Morning, Mom." Clary rubbed her tired eyes, ready for the string of nervous conversation her mother was about to have.
"How are you feeling sweetie?" Her mother clutched her hand to her chest, hovering near the door as if she wasn't sure if she was allowed to take a step further, "Do you want to stay home from school today?"
Clary thought about the proposition for a moment, wondering if she really wanted to go face classes or even do anything today. But being stuck home wouldn't be much better.
"It's okay Mom. I feel fine," she lied, looking away from her mom. She was definitely not okay, but she didn't want to make Jocelyn Fray any more anxious than she already was.
"Are you sure? We could watch movies—,"
"Mom. I'm fine." Clary let her voice harden a little bit, and saw with sick satisfaction her mother retract herself.
"Okay," she said, leaving the room with a backwards glance at Clary.
Clary didn't enjoy treating her mother like this. But it was all she had the energy to do, what with the past week being filled with sleepless nights. Her body ached as she got out of the bed and turned on the hot water in the shower. All she wanted was to get through today.
Isabelle was unusually quiet today, keeping close to Clary everywhere they went and watching her movements, as if she was afraid Clary would fall apart at any second.
Isabelle had learned from a long time ago that saying less was better on this day, and Clary appreciated it immensely. Having Isabelle close by lessened the pain a little, though the guilt was as strong as it had ever been. Iz had tried in the past to get Clary to admit that it had never been her fault, that she couldn't have known what was going to happen. But Isabelle didn't know what it was like to have the death of your family on your hands.
When they entered math class, Jace was sitting behind his desk with his hands folded together under his chin. He seemed lost somewhere, similar to how Clary was feeling herself. He's probably thinking about Samara, Clary thought, recognizing that today was a day of grief that they both shared.
Except, when he saw Clary and Isabelle out of the corner of his eyes, he straightened up and smiled at Clary, the same half smirk half smile that she had grown accustomed to be greeted with.
Clary could not bring herself to smile back at him, not today. Instead, she passed by without so much as a hello, climbing up the steps to the back row where she and Isabelle usually sat.
Jace looked at her confused, before he got distracted by other students walking in to greet him or ask him questions on the previous week's homework.
Clary could feel Jace's gaze on her throughout the rest of the class, how he was watching her out of the corner of his eyes any time he walked up the steps to the seats to help someone, when he was at the front of the room leaning against the desk with his arms crossed.
The clock couldn't go fast enough. She didn't have the energy to deal with him, to pretend that she was alright when she so desperately wasn't. She couldn't tell him about the flashbacks to the accident, or the memories of Samara that she had, or how inexplicably drawn to him she was.
When the bell rang to dismiss the class, Clary gathered her things as quickly as she could, impatient when Isabelle was still not ready to leave.
"Clary. Could you wait here a second?" The sound of Jace's voice from the front of the room made Clary jump. She turned to look at him and saw that he was staring at her expectantly.
Clary sighed. There was no getting out of this one. She and Isabelle walked down the steps slowly to where Jace was standing, still leaning against his desk. Isabelle made as if to wait for her, but Jace waved her away. "I'd like to talk to Clary alone, Isabelle. It's about her grades."
Isabelle shot Clary a look of apology, and then went out the door, not without a worried glance in Jace and Clary's direction.
Jace waited until the sound of her footsteps had disappeared before he turned to Clary with the same expectant gaze.
"Clary. Is there something you want to talk about?"
Well this was new. Jace's worried tone caught her off guard. She had only ever known the sarcastic, endearing asshat Jace that she saw in the library every week. To see his gaze filled with worry about her made Clary's heart throb.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Jace," she said, keeping her face as blank as she could.
"Clary, your grades haven't been that great this month. And you've been distracted any time I've tried to talk to you in the library. You've barely even noticed when I've made fun of your height. Tell me what's wrong."
"It's nothing, Jace. It's not your problem." She crossed her arms with annoyance, though not all of it was towards Jace.
Jace pursed his lips. "Fine. If you're going to be stubborn, I'm not letting you leave until you tell me what's up. I can sit here all day." As if to prove his point, he sat himself down on the edge of the desk and looked at Clary expectantly.
Clary looked towards the door hesitantly, and as if Jace could read her mind he said, "Don't even try. You known I could catch you before you made it halfway there."
Clary glared at him, knowing he was right. Jace smirked at her in victory, as she sighed and sat herself down next to him on the desk.
"So. What's up?" Jace looked sideways at her, his golden hair falling over his forehead and the warmth of his skin passing through his shirt to where his shoulder was touching Clary's. Clary felt herself wanting to fall into him and his warmth, and had to stop herself from leaning into him.
She debated whether or not she wanted to tell the truth, or shrug off her behavior as sickness. But she knew that Jace would see through any lies she gave him. So she gave him the truth.
"Ten years ago today, my dad and brother died in an accident. We were driving down the road when a semi who was driving in the wrong lane crashed into our car. There, happy?" Clary took a deep breath; saying the words had been harder than she thought.
Jace was looking at her with surprise and confusion. "Ten years ago…today?"
Clary nodded, and Jace's eyebrows furrowed together. He was deep in thought for a few moments before he turned to her, eyes locking with her own.
"Clary. I understand your grief. But you can't let it affect you like this. You've been a ghost these past few weeks."
Clary looked at him, unable to hold back her burst of sadness that had risen at his words. "You won't get it. They died because of me." She felt a tear roll down her cheek and turned away from Jace.
"I do understand Clary. More than you know. I know you feel guilty about their deaths, but you can't let it control you like this." Jace put a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off.
"You don't understand Jace! I was the one that killed them. I was the one that had a tantrum about being bored inside and wanting to go out on a drive, right in the middle of a snowstorm! It was me that killed them and I am the only one that survived!" Clary's throat cracked and she covered her face with her hands.
Jace's hands were pulling at her fingers, prying them away from her face. "Clary. I want you to look at me," he said, his voice soft.
Clary shook her head, keeping her arms locked where they were. She hadn't mean to say all this to Jace, and her embarrassment at having broken down in front of him mixed with her guilt and sadness made her want to do anything but look at him right now.
Jace's hand left hers. "Clary. Look at me." His voice had lost it's gentleness and was now firm and demanding.
Something inside her made her unable to refuse him, and she took away her hands from her face and turned in his direction, though she didn't meet his gaze. She felt the gentle pressure of his finger underneath her chin draw her face towards him, until she was staring right into his tawny eyes.
"You were a child Clary. You were only eight. You could not have known that an insane truck driver was going to drive in the wrong lane." His finger moved from underneath her chin to wipe a tear that was traveling down her cheek, before he covered the side of her face with his hand. Her eyes were locked with his, and an inexplicable sense of relief went through her. The words that Jace spoke soothed her like nothing had ever before.
"I don't believe in destiny, Clary. But I do believe that we have to live with the choices we make. And you're not doing your brother and your father any favors by choosing to keep this guilt with you." He dropped his hand from her cheek and gave her a small smile.
Uncontrollably, Clary began to cry.
They sat in silence for a few moments as Clary's sobs died down. It wasn't long before her cheeks flooded with red hot embarrassment and she had to turn away from him to hide her blush.
"Thank you, Jace." she said quietly, hoping that some of her gratitude would translate through her voice.
Jace chuckled. "No problem, short stuff. You may not treat me like it, but I am still your teacher. Or well, teacher's assistant. Protecting your delicate self is like in my job description." He ruffled Clary's hair affectionately.
He's being very touchy today. Clary shook away the thought. He was just trying to comfort her. She got up from the desk before she any other silly thoughts could wander into her mind, and began to walk out of the classroom.
"Just promise me, Clary. Don't be so hard on yourself from now on. It's been ten years. Live happily, for them at least," Jace said, looking at her cautiously.
Clary looked back for a second, before nodding. "I can try." She gave him a small smile before continuing out of the room.
She was almost out the door when something else struck her. Samara.
Stupid. Clary was entirely too stupid. In all her sadness about losing her father and brother, she had forgotten that Jace had lost someone equally as important to him on the exact same day ten years ago. How could she have been so insensitive.
She turned back anxiously to look at Jace, who still sitting on the desk, looking down at his hands.
"Jace, I—," Clary started, and Jace looked up at her.
Wait. He doesn't know that I know about Samara. How was she going to approach him about it?
"What is it, Clary?" he asked, his golden features puzzled. Clary bit her lip, ready to tell another half truth. It seemed that was all she did lately.
"Iz told me —you know, Isabelle Lightwood— that you lost your girlfriend on the same day that I lost my dad and brother. I'm sorry I forgot, I just—,"
"Clary." Jace interrupted her, looking at her as if he was still making up his mind about something. It was a few moments before he continued, breaking his gaze and getting off the desk with a sigh.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to—," Clary started, worried that she may have angered Jace in some way. Jace cut her off for a second time, except this time he gave her a small smile.
"I want you to come with me somewhere, if you have time." He crossed the distance between them and stood in front of her. Standing this close to him, Clary had to strain to look at his face.
It was only a moment's hesitation before she replied, "Okay."
I enjoyed writing this chapter. I hope I was as realistic as possible. Stay tuned for the next one! Should come soon, and I should also have a definite answer as to how many chapters you can expect from this story.
I really hope you guys are enjoying it as much as I am, even if I disappear for a month or two because of school.
As always, leave a review!
Yours,
~A.W.W