Sorry this is so late, crazy start of term along with illness and writers block made me ridiculously unproductive.

Just in case you need a recap of what is going in, Esme has returned to Forks on a search for Edward and Alice, who disappeared after hearing Bella had 'died'. Unhappy with what she hears from Bella, Esme calls in reinforcements in the form of Carlisle and Jasper. Last chapter Bella had a bit of a breakdown during a conversation with Esme and ended up being comforted by our favourite cowboy.

As always, thanks to my amazing beta heavyinfinity - this chapter never would have happened without you, and Nissa-Cullen my awesome pre-reader. You guys are freaking brilliant. Any mistakes are me falling asleep at the keyboard when I was finishing it off last night.

10. Alexander

Jasper

Bella wasted no time in leaving the house and jumping into her decrepit truck; her relief was palatable when it started on the first try. I was surprised to see the old thing was still working. It had to be at least as old as her father was, if not older. I had raised my concerns about it with Rosalie the year before, but she assured me it was in working order, and her emotions had told me not to bother asking again. Now it seemed like the truck was in better condition than Bella herself.

Despite Esme's warning about Bella's appearance before our encounter, seeing Bella last night had stunned me. Her clothes were practically hanging off her thin frame, and her eyes empty of the spark that had made her so intriguing, even though she was human. She was not the same girl we had left all those months ago.

I heard the door close followed by the sound of light footsteps as Esme and Carlisle returned to the living room. They were both visibly distressed by what had just happened. Esme was practically trembling with a mixture of sorrow and rage, which I could only assume she was directing at Edward. I shared her sentiments entirely.

Carlisle pulled Esme onto the sofa across from where I stood and stroked her back. She was still upset so I sent her a little bit of calm to make it easier for her to talk.

"So, can someone fill me in on what was going on before this happened?" Carlisle asked, his attention still focussed on Esme.

"We were just talking," she managed to choke out. "She was asking about what we were doing after we left Forks. She was quieter than she used to be but she seemed to be okay."

"She was okay, Esme," I interrupted her, unwilling to hear and feel her guilt any longer. "I was upstairs because I wasn't sure she would talk openly if she knew I was here," I explained to Carlisle. "She was painfully nervous and slightly ashamed on the drive up here, but I think that might have been more to do with the front door than anything else. After you reassured her, she calmed down considerably. She was nervous when you spoke, but no more than was warranted for the situation."

"It was my fault; I overwhelmed her. I shouldn't have mentioned Edward." Esme's distress was increasing quickly and I quickly pushed enough calm her way to knock out a small elephant.

"Esme!" She jumped at the hard tone of my voice but I was keeping her so calm she could not react verbally. Carlisle just glowered at me for yelling at his wife. "Bella was happy to be talking to you. I felt her emotions; she missed you. She did tense up when Edward's name came up, but I don't think it was why she broke down."

"What do you mean?" Carlisle asked, his natural inquisitiveness overshadowing the anger he still felt towards me for raising my voice to Esme. To be honest, she had needed it.

"When you called her part of the family she was ecstatic. Her happiness actually made me giddy, but I don't think she was prepared for feeling it." I tried vainly to search for the right words to describe what I believed had happened to Bella. "I think it overwhelmed her. She appears to have been pushing down a lot of her emotions, probably so she could just get through the day since we left. When one came out, they all followed."

"I suppose that makes sense," Carlisle said thoughtfully. "Truly, I haven't done much study about mental health, but I could do some research. I don't like the idea of our little girl hurting and not being able to do anything about it."

I had to agree with him there. Seeing Bella, feeling Bella, like that had given me an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach I couldn't ignore.

"Charlie said it was worse just after we left," Esme said morosely.

Carlisle pulled her closer to him on the sofa, his love and adoration for the woman beside him filling the room. "It's okay, my darling. We're back now and we will take care of her. She won't be hurt again." His steely resolve was evident on his face and I was suddenly glad that I was on Carlisle's good side. Although he was a kind, caring man, Carlisle was also determined. When he wanted something he got it. His commitment and hard work had given him the strength to be the first vegetarian vampire of all time. It had also allowed him to become a doctor. Before him, no vampire would have thought of it, let alone attempted. If he said Bella would be safe, he meant it. Of course it would to be much easier with my help.

Esme had thrown herself into her husband's arms at his commanding reassurances and I quickly made my excuses and backed out the door to allow them some privacy.

Although I had hunted the previous evening I did not want to take any risks, so I made my way upstairs, bypassing my old room on the second floor and heading directly up to my study in the attic. The majority of my things were up here anyway, having been deemed unsuitable for Alice's sensitive fashion and interior tastes.

I grabbed a well-worn pair of hiking boots from the closet and was about to head back to check on Esme when I felt a megafuckton of lust from downstairs, followed by a very girly giggle. Apparently the calm I had covering the house was no longer needed.

I opened the small window and perched on the ledge briefly before launching my body into the air. I landed in a roll, about half way to the trees at the back of the house, and used the momentum of my jump to get up and start running. Less than a second after leaving the house, I was already in the trees, and within moments I could no longer hear or feel what Carlisle and Esme were doing with one another. Not that I could blame them; hunting would not have been my first choice to take the edge off if I had any other options.

I took a deep breath when I knew I was away from civilisation and was shocked when Bella's scent hit me. I glanced around in confusion before realising that the scent came from me. I was still wearing the t-shirt I had on when she was been crying and her unique freesia and roses smell was mixed with the salt of her tears. I could see the lines they had made as they dried on the fabric.

I tried briefly to hunt again, but it was pointless; every time I came close to getting myself in the right frame of mind, Bella's scent would hit me again and I got distracted. My mind still couldn't get around the huge changes in her since the last time I had seen her. Her bones were sticking out, obvious even under her baggy clothes. The bags under the eyes were not recent; her whole face seemed to have sunken, something you frequently saw in insomniacs, and her hair, while clean, was limp. In truth, she looked malnourished, something I had rarely seen in the US for the past 40 years.

Shockingly, her severe weight-loss did not appear to have affected her physical development, both her body and her face had a slightly different shape than last year. Her face was thinner, and slightly longer than before. Her cheekbones were almost sharp, which gave her a more sophisticated look and it emphasised her deep brown eyes.

She had also filled out, despite her skinny frame. When I had held her earlier I had hoped it would help me calm her emotions, but instead, it had just stirred up any number in myself. Her hips had widened slightly, her ample bosom more obvious after her weight loss, and it was impossible not to notice how beautiful she was becoming.

The smell of a predator close to me pulled me back to reality, and the reality was that I had no business noticing Bella that way.

Bella was a friend, family even, and human at that. I had never thought of her as, well, anything other than Edward's girlfriend before. Her emotions from earlier were obviously clouding my thinking. Besides, you can hardly blame a man for thinking about it. It had been over a year since I had any type of release. Not since Alice and I had lost Bella in Phoenix.

Alice.

Even thinking of her was still physically painful, and the pain was made worse by the fact I simply did not know what had happened to us.

That damn pixie had been my entire life for so long; for the past sixty years she had been my everything. I had been so lost when she found me, so desperately unhappy with my life, and she had been so positive, a bright ball of energy literally filling my world with her. It had seemed so simple when she told me she would take me to the Cullen's, help me adapt to their lifestyle, give me freedom from my constant guilt, and in return I would love her. It had seemed so simple at first. Her happiness carried me through the two years it took us to find them and again through my period of difficulty when I initially stopped feeding on humans.

For so many years we had been happy. Sure, I had changed for her, but it was what I wanted. I wore what she found attractive, I suppressed my accent to help us fit in, but sometimes it felt like I hadn't done enough. I had always listened to her, and taken her and Edward's constant vigilance of me in good grace, but the only time I needed her, she had failed. I had failed.

I had asked Alice the evening of Bella's birthday whether I needed to hunt, but she had assured me it would be okay, that she did not foresee anything going wrong. Of course, I had not told anyone that information; there was no reason the family should blame Alice as well for what had happened, but despite my support of her she seemed to blame me also. I had felt the sorrow she had directed at me as Emmett and Rose dragged me from the house, and when she did not try to follow me, I knew I had messed up badly.

By the time I got to speak to her next, it was three days later in Denali after Bella had supposedly broken up with Edward. Dammit, I knew there was something funny about his emotions when he got back. If I had tried harder to talk to him, could I have gotten the truth out of him? Neither of them had spoken to me after Bella's birthday, although I don't think anyone else noticed. Edward was gone too quickly for me to truly try to sit down with him but Alice was another story. She allowed me to sit with her, but would not speak a word to me and frequently seemed unable to even look at me. I could feel disappointment coming off her in constant waves, but when I tried to address it, she would simply get up and leave the room, allowing her to return to her visions.

Thinking about it now, I could only imagine she knew about Edward's deception from the start; it would have been difficult, if not impossible, for him to make the decision without her picking up on something. Maybe she was watching Bella all that time, trying to find out if her friend was okay while Edward was out of mindsight.

And then, she had left so suddenly, taking off out the door while I was showering upstairs, not bothering to say goodbye. The note she left addressed to Carlisle, not me. My mate, my wife, my Alice, who I had followed, who I had changed for, could not even bare to write my name on a piece of paper.

I could feel their pity when the rest of the family found me sitting on the floor in the kitchen, the open note on the table. I hadn't been able to resist reading it. After reading Alice's words, I wished I had fought that impulse harder.

Everything changed when Esme had called with the news about Bella; suddenly, everyone had energy again, there was hope in the house, and I had followed it back to Forks.

The first night back, I went up to the room I had shared with Alice while Carlisle had his conversation with Bella. I needed to see what was still there, but I also needed to know if seeing the room it had all come apart in would give me any answers. The bed remained, along with pillows and a duvet but there was no bedding. The various pieces of artwork that adorned the walls were gone, along with the small collection of books I kept in our room.

I opened the closet.

Her clothes were gone too; every item but a pair of black socks and a t-shirt that she had borrowed from me when we first painted the house. I could smell fabric though. Denim, cotton, silk and wool all wafted through the air and I followed it to the back of the huge closet to the drawers that were mine. My clothes were still there, the t-shirts neatly folded alongside the jeans I never wore because she hated them so. The tailored trousers she preferred were hanging in the closet, along with the ridiculous selection of shirts she had insisted I needed. My suits came next, all perfectly tailored to fit me, a couple of which probably cost more than Carlisle's car.

The only things missing were a couple of long sleeved t-shirt, cargo pants and sweaters. I could still smell myself on what remained, untouched since I had packed it in the back of the closet all that time ago.

There were even boxes of my books at the bottom. She had moved them, not taken them, but moved them.

My mind went blank and my movements became automatic as I walked to the back of the walk in wardrobe and deftly pulled up the third floorboard from the end. It was the perfect hiding place, really. No one would dare come in Alice's closet without her but me, so she was the only one who knew about the secret compartment under the back of it. I had no idea what whether anything was still stored in the fireproof inside the compartment, but Alice's scent was prominent.

I inhaled deeply, and Alice's unique scent invaded me. It was a mix of rich wood, sweet candy, and tangy undertones of salt. It was older than I expected though, tainted by its time in the dusty hole underneath the floor. It was definitely older than the diluted smell in the rest of the house, I placed it as no older than a year.

Cautiously I opened the latch.

As soon as the scent of the package inside wafted out I froze. My thoughts racing, I slowly and carefully pulled the old wooden box from the fireproof container. As I pulled it out, my body sagged, and I placed it on the floor in front of me. I sat down and crossed my legs, starring at the box in front of me. The familiar scent of the aging materials enveloped me, the sharp tang of ink from the few papers I kept and the familiar scent of gunpowder taking me back to another time.

There was something wrong though; there was a different scent in there now, fresher than that of the few precious items I had saved over the past 150 years. Lifting the lid, the intruder was immediately obvious. On top of the meagre collection that surmounted all I knew of my past was a thick piece of paper, folded, with my name written in Alice's elegant script.

I pulled the offending item out and carefully closed the lid again, slipping it back into its hiding and fixing the floor before looking down at the piece of paper in front of me. It looked innocent enough... the white of the paper, the slightly faded ink covering it, but it still caused me to feel dread and hope at the same time.

Unwilling to prolong my torment any further, I slipped the sheet open, preparing myself for whatever it said.

I hope you never see this, but if you do, it was the only way.

Frantically I turned it over, looking for any other words, anything more than the single sentence written before me. Everything I had hoped I would find, everything I had dreaded reading, and she had given me nothing. No apology, no explanation, no help whatsoever. She had obviously known it was a possibility that I would return here without her, and yet she did not even apologise. She was merely trying to justify herself.

A white hot rage filled me, the disappointment, the anger, and the shame of the past few months finally bursting out. I made no noise as I tore at the paper, tiny pieces of it flying round the room as I shredded it, over and over till it was just dust in my hands. As soon as I was done, I started on the clothes, ripping every reminder of Alice in the wardrobe into small pieces until I was surrounded by thousands of tiny strips of fabric.

After the last item, an ugly burnt orange tie, was added to the pile I stopped. The devastation was immediately apparent. The whole room was in shambles; hangers were torn from their place, drawers were opened and let hanging haphazardly, waiting to fall into the mess on the floor. My outburst had been silent though, and I could hear Esme and Carlisle, oblivious downstairs.

I stalked out of the room and closed the door, sinking to the floor, my eyes never leaving the wardrobe until Carlisle found me a couple of hours later.

Thinking about it now, my outburst seemed worryingly similar to Bella's. We had been pushed, beyond what we were capable of dealing with and we had dealt with it the only way we could My outlet was through anger, hers was tears. Maybe since our reactions were so much alike, I could help her deal with the aftermath of her outburst.

Wait a second, what was I thinking? I couldn't afford to allow myself to get close to Bella. What if she fell around me? Or, god forbid, went near another piece of paper? After so long away from any temptation, there was no way I could be trusted with her. I would have to desensitise myself again. It was necessary anyway. Beyond Alice's promise to help me with my depression, I had also joined the Cullens to do something very few vampires got to do... to be a part of the world. Just because Alice had decided to disappear, presumably to comfort Edward over his lost love, did not mean I had to give up what I had worked so hard towards.

Then again, seeing Bella had not been too bad today. Sure, her scent on my shirt was still distracting me now, but I had held her earlier as I tried to comfort her, and at no point had I desired her blood. Obviously, part of that was due to the distraction caused by the torrent of emotions from both Bella and Esme, but there was more to it. Without the pressure of everyone else's bloodlust I found it easier to be near the small girl who had taken us so willingly into her life. Esme could never think of Bella as a meal, and Carlisle's control was close to, if not completely, perfect. Being around Bella with them was considerably easier than when she had been glued to Edward's side, forcing him to control the vampire part of him always fighting to kill her.

I didn't realise I had done a circuit until I got back to the house, too involved in my thoughts to have actually hunted. It was quite fortunate really, the emotions Carlilse and Esme were throwing out were still at fever pitch. I gladly turned myself around and began to run for into the forest again, stripping my t-shirt off in the hope it would keep Bella off my mind.

Usually I wasn't keen on wandering round shirtless. Most people, vampire or otherwise cringed when they saw the scars littered across my body. I knew it was highly unlikely I would bump into anyone on a hunt, so I dealt with my discomfort and got on with it.

Rather than my usual hunting method based on sounds and smells, I relaxed myself and decided to feel out what was in the forest surrounding me.

Emmett had laughed at me on one of our earliest hunts together when I told him I had been able to feel the fear of the buck I had just taken down. I don't think he had truly believed me until Edward had commented about it as he was scanning my mind while I hunted. Apparently, neither one of them had ever considered the idea that our animal prey felt the same sense of the end of their lives as humans did. I knew differently; animals could feel a number of emotions, even ones that could be described as loving. Growing up on a farm, I had always believed the animals recognised us and knew we were the ones who provided them with food and cared for them when they were ill. I had dealt with the guilt of killing an animal when I was a child though, and I had no problem doing it now. I would always take the fear an animal feels over the horror of a human when hunting.

I could feel a primal hunger to the Southeast of me now. I knew it could not be human, because it was far too animalistic. One feeling, one need overpowered all others and I realised with relish there was an edge of rage to it also, the signature of a predator. I ran in the direction of it and could soon hear the sounds of a large cat, possibly a panther, not far from me. It was large, that much was sure. The branches it stood on creaked slightly under its weight and I realised it was about 100 metres upwind of a group of deer.

I decided to wait; he was so close now anyway I may as well allow him his last meal before I killed him. Besides, if I waited until he had taken one of the deer, I could disturb him while he went for the others. Predators always preferred to go down in a fight and interrupting him just after he fed would piss him off no end.

I moved lightly, circling so I was closer to the deer but not close enough to get spotted. I allowed myself to bask in the emotions of the panther as I watched him. All I could feel was a deep hunger, the need for violence in order to be fulfilled and I relished it. It was so different from bloodlust and yet so similar.

With quick movements, the panther leapt gracefully from one tree branch to another until he was right below me. I stayed completely still as he planned his last move and dived into the herd of deer. He was lethal, one powerful claw hit the neck of the doe at the edge of the group while he caught a second in his strong jaw. The satisfaction he felt hit me hard.

That was my signal. From just above him I dove in as the rest of the deer took off running into the forest.

The panther turned to me and I felt his rage, his desperate need to defend his kill, and I lost it. Planting one foot in front of the other, I launched myself at him. He was quicker than I expected and tried to bat at me, but his claws could not penetrate me the way they could the deer and he only succeeded in tossing me past him.

He didn't turn quickly enough though, and moments later, I was on his back. He rolled, attempting to dislodge me, but I gripped around his rib cage and moved my arms around his neck. I snapped it before he could realize what had happened.

It took me less than a second to sink my teeth into his neck, latching on to his jugular and drinking deeply and greedily, the fire in my throat briefly suppressed. When he was completely drained, I turned my attention to the two deer. One was definitely dead, but the other was trying desperately to escape. Now that my attention was no longer on the panther, the pain coming from it was distressing.

Leaning over her, I sent out as much comfort as I could before snapping her neck and drinking again. By the time I got to the final part of my meal, I could feel the blood sloshing around my insides. However, my mother always taught me not to waste my food, so I bent down and drank the steadily cooling blood as quickly as possible.

Disposing of the body was no problem as there were plenty of scavengers about. In fact, I was sure their numbers had increased since we had moved to the area and we would spread the flesh of anything we drank from in various areas away from human populations. Emmett liked to put the remains in a couple of places, using the frequent deposits as traps for bears. I wasn't sure it was effective, but it made him happy.

After dealing with the bodies, I started making my way back to the house once again.

When I arrived, I was relieved to feel a mixture of wonder, contentment, and love from the house, indicating they were finished with their amorous activities. I decided to check in with Esme, whom I could see in the kitchen. I could feel the mixture of caring, compassion, happiness, slight worry, and love that defined Esme to me. There was something else as well though, a touch of disgust mixed in with her motherly feelings.

I grabbed the t-shirt I had left by the tree line and slipped it back on before walking in through the back door.

The reason for her disgust became apparent as soon as I walked through the door.

Esme was standing in the centre of the kitchen holding what looked like a tin of cat food at arms distance away from her while she spooned it into a bowl.

"What is that atrocious smell?" The combination os something oily, flesh, and water permeated the kitchen. It was striking similar to the smell after a flood.

"Tuna fish," Esme told me as she put down the tin and began mixing the pinky grey mess in the bowl.

"That doesn't look like fish, Esme. Are you sure you got the right thing? Did you maybe get pet food instead?"

I tried to look ashamed when she scowled at me. I knew very well that she would never try to feed Bella cat food, but that stuff smelt seriously wrong. She must have read the can wrong.

"I didn't buy it, Carlisle did, and you can check the can if you want. It is most definitely for people," she said sourly.

"Esme there is a picture of dolphin on here. Are you sure it isn't fish food?" I wasn't actually feeling any better looking at the can. How could Carlisle have possibly have thought this looked appetising? Getting closer to the smell was making my stomach turn.

"And, there is a picture of a girl eating a sandwich on the back, Jasper. It is definitely for humans. Besides, Carlisle says it is good for her, something about smelling in iron deficiency in her blood. She's not been taking care of herself..." Esme's eyes clouded and I moved around to stand next to her, taking the bowl of tuna and mayonnaise away from her lightly and continuing to mix it as she collected herself.

"Well, it is a good thing she has you now. I'm relatively sure between us we can feed her back to health by the time the school year ends."

Esme looked up at me and smiled. Her love for all of us was so pure. It was the same love I felt between human mothers and their children and I revelled in it. Then I became aware of another emotion I had not noticed until now. When Esme looked at me, she felt pride as well.

"You did really well today, Jasper. I know you were nervous about being around humans again, and honestly, I was worried too, having Bella in the house and knowing how incredibly accident prone she is, but you were amazing." Esme smiled at me. Although I had realised the same thing earlier, I can't deny it felt pretty good to know she noticed too. I sent her my gratitude.

"She was upset," I said with a shrug. Esme nodded, urging me on. "I didn't even think of her blood, only the pain she was feeling and how I could help her."

Esme walked towards me and I started in surprise. It was rare anyone other than Alice in the family got too close to me. Not that I blamed them. It was in their natures to be nervous of me; to another vampire I screamed danger. So when Esme approached me I immediately tensed, ready for an attack, but her emotions quickly told me to relax. The pride and love were there, even stronger than before, and it wasn't till Esme had her arms around my tense form that I realised she was hugging me.

As I had done during Bella's hug last night, I relaxed into it, although it held a completely different draw than Bella's. This was pure comfort, parental and reassuring, close but not intimate. Esme ended the embrace with a light kiss on my cheek.

I didn't really know what to do, so I made my excuses and left, but not before I heard a light laugh from Esme at my obvious discomfort.

I wandered up the stairs slowly, sighing with relief as the smell of tuna become less by the time I reached Carlisle's closed door. I didn't want to interrupt him, but it was rare for the door to be shut, so I stood for a moment trying to decide what to do. My problem was solved when I heard Carlisle speak from the other side of the door.

"Come in Jasper, I'm not looking for privacy, just hoping to protect the room from the smell of fish. It seems I am going to have to find another way to ensure Bella gets the iron she needs. There is no way I am letting that foul smelling stuff in the house again." I laughed at Carlisle's obvious annoyance at himself and slipped the door open before quickly closing it again.

Carlisle's plan seemed to have worked, and the fishy smell was far less apparent in here, although I was aware of the fact some hung on me.

"Have you found anything yet, Carlisle?" I desperately wanted to know if he had a plan to help Bella yet.

"Nothing particularly helpful. As I said, psychology has never been my particular area of interest and I haven't done any reading on it since my required course last time we were all at college." My face must have fallen at his words because he glanced at me with a worried expression.

"You seem very concerned about this Jasper. Is there anything you aren't telling me about Bella's feelings? Do we need to be worried about her safety?"

"No, don't worry Carlisle. I haven't felt anything that desperate from her. I just hate knowing the pain she is in. It's not that fair she should feels this way. I'll help in any way possible. Let me know if there is any reading I can do."

"Of course, son, but don't you think you should concentrate on your own pain? Are you maybe focussing on helping Bella in order to forget about the issues you need to deal with yourself?"

I hadn't thought of that, but as soon as he said it I knew it was not the case. My concern for Bella was perfectly normal. In fact it was helping me deal with my own stuff. Watching her and feeling her emotions was helping me identify my own. I didn't know how to explain it to Carlisle though, so I brushed him off, making the excuse that I wanted to shower before returning to the fishy hallway and up to my study. I only had an hour or so before we met with the wolves again, and that meant seeing Bella.

Again, sorry for the wait, but I hope a little glimpse into Jasper's mind makes up for it. As always, thanks for reading, now go press that button and let me know what you think!

I'm off to work on the next chapter :D