0130 Saturday morning

Harm drowsily turned over in bed, stirred by the slight movement of the mattress on the opposite side, and came into contact with the fit, supple form of Sarah Mackenzie sliding toward him. He didn't hesitate, didn't question, just simply rolled toward her, gathering her to him, even as she moved to snuggle in to the wall of his chest. Her skin was warm, her hair still damp against his arm. She smelled like bath salts, and clean, and woman. He felt her deflate against him, as she heaved a satisfied sigh that was years in the making, and dropped rapidly into the oblivion of sleep. She clung to him as she dreamt the dreams of the soul tired. He doubted she would remember any of the scenes playing out behind her eyes. Despite the fact that she frequently murmured troubled phrases as they unfolded. He'd listened closely when she spoke, hoping to gain some clues into her particular brand of hell, but he couldn't. The only word that she had spoken clearly was his name. When she'd called for him, he'd held her tighter, and spoken gentle reassurances in her ear. Inevitably she'd relax, and fall back into the abyss.

0445 Saturday morning

Mac stirred and shivered in the cool air of his apartment. Instinctively she reached for the warmth of the man who had lain against her all night long, but he wasn't there. She cocked one eye open, mentally noting the time. She looked down to see that she had kicked the covers off of her torso, accounting for the chill on her skin. She debated between finding Harm, and snuggling back down under the bedding and going back to sleep. Her stomach made the decision for her. She hadn't put anything in it since the mug of hot chocolate that he had brought into her office. Sighing she kicked the covers off and went to find Harm. She was surprised when she saw him sitting on the couch softly playing the guitar.

"Hey, why are you up?"

"Couldn't sleep. Your food's on a plate in the fridge," He told her without missing a beat.

"Thanks," She said, stepping down into the room. "I'm sorry I couldn't make it for dinner."

He simply nodded and kept playing. Mac sighed. Five minutes later she was sitting on the chair in his living room with her plate in her lap, eating slowly.

"I didn't mean to drive you to the guitar," She said, gesturing to the instrument resting against his thigh.

"Why didn't you call after your appointment?"

"I needed to sort things out before I shared them." He acknowledged her, but continued to play quietly. Mac put her plate on the table and took the guitar from him, setting it back in the stand. She returned to her seat and began eating again. "Harm, what do you know about reconditioning a screwed up mind?"

"It's even harder than it sounds," He deadpanned.

"Yeah it is," Mac agreed solemnly. "We had a long session today. A difficult one on every level. At one point I almost stood up and got the hell out of there, but something made me stay."

"The need to get past it all?"

"Probably. Either way, it was a good thing I did because I figured out something that I need to do."

Harm sat foreword, she had his full attention. "What's that?"

"I need to break myself of my addiction to you."

"Your addiction to me?"

"I know it sounds strange, but hear me out."

He gestured to her to continue.

She licked her lips, and took a deep breath. "I have a very addictive personality. That's been obvious since I was a kid. With various 12 step, and rehabilitation programs I have been able to beat alcohol, and a few other vices that I've had. But, even when my chemical dependency wasn't an issue anymore, I've always had a difficult time letting go of my addictive behavior. That's why Uncle Matt encouraged me to join the Marines, he said it would keep me focused. It would break my cycle of abuse."

"It worked didn't it?"

"Yeah, it did, but once again I went from one addictive behavior to the other. Once I joined the Corps I wrapped myself in it. Instead of drowning in a bottle, I was drowning in a sea of rules and regulations and honor codes. A much better thing to bury myself in to be sure, but it doesn't change the fact that I was burying myself."

She cocked her head to the side, and stared unseeing at a point beyond his head. "I've never really seen who Sarah Mackenzie is. Not the Marine, not the attorney, but just…Sarah." After a long moment, she brought herself back from introspection, and continued. "I was content to be defined by being a Marine, and an attorney, until 8 years ago when I got a new partner." She looked him in the eye, and gave him a small smile. "You have no idea what kind of impact you had on me. From the moment I met you, I wanted to know more, I wanted to see more of you. I loved being your partner. I loved the way you challenged me. So, like addictive people do, I latched on to that feeling and ran with it, always wanting and needing more. And it grew, until whether I had a good day depended on whether you would walk through the door." She paused, "And until, love of being with you and being your partner turned into just plain loving you."

Harm's expression warmed. When she met his eyes again, he saw it. A myriad of colorful emotions, flashing through her eyes like the day burning to death in the ever-lowering sunset. He didn't have to wonder for long what had put that expression on her face.

"I can't possibly tell you what it did to me when you changed your designator," She said in voice thick with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," He told her sincerely.

"Don't be. It's not your fault that I had to be near you to even function properly. It shouldn't have hit me that hard. We're in the military, people move around all the time. I should have been able to roll with it, but I couldn't. Do you know why?"

"No."

"Because it was then that I realized that my happiness depended on you, and you weren't always going to be there." She paused and clenched her jaw, reining in her emotions. "It was the first taste of what losing you would do to me."

"That's why you stayed away." It was a statement.

"Yes. I tried one last time to get close to you on the ferry, but you weren't ready. I knew then that I could never really have you. So I gave up trying. That didn't stop me from wanting you though."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"And Brumby, how did he fit in to all of this?"

"He was my distraction, something to keep me from in indulging in my addiction. I know that sounds terrible, but it's nothing I would consciously do. In my logical mind I believed that I was just moving on and trying to find a good man like every other woman. I know now that's not true. Because we both know that try as I might, I have never been able to really let go of you."

"Nor I of you," He said quietly.

Mac lowered her eyelashes, in shy acceptance of his statement, then went on. "When things fell apart with Mic, and you turned me away at the door, I was so angry. Angry at Mic for walking out and taking my distraction away, angry at you for pulling away when I needed you, and angry at myself for being so dependent on you. When I went TAD, I went to 'dry myself out'. I was determined, when I got home, to not need you anymore, to stand on my own two feet. But you showed up, and I found myself begging you for answers. Searching for a way to cling to my addiction. Of course you couldn't give that to me at that time, and I walked away more angry than ever."

She sighed. "I was able to get closer to you after that, but never as close as I was before you left. I'd get close enough to satisfy my craving for you, and far enough to pull back if I started to become too dependent, or worse if I started to worry that I would hurt you in some way. I'm sure you've recognized the pattern, especially this last week."

Harm nodded.

She ran a hand through her hair. "I was able to maintain the distance until you showed up in Paraguay. I had been away from you for so long, and I wanted to get out of there. And…well, you know what I was thinking then. In the hotel room I once again hoped that you would give me a reason to just give in to my dependence on you and quit fighting it, but you didn't. I thought the least that would happen, is you would get your job back and we could go back to being somewhere in between. But that didn't happen. I was without you again, this time of my own doing, and I could hardly stand it. I left message after message, trying to bring you back to me, so that I could…breathe again."

Mac's eyes teared up and Harm held up his hand. "We don't have to go through all of this again. Just give me a minute to think."

Mac nodded, grateful for the break.

He began in a slow, cautious voice. "I don't pretend to understand what it is to have a chemical addiction. Nor do I know whether or not to be flattered by your "dependence" on me. It seems it's caused you more pain than anything else. " He paused, gathering his thoughts, and then he shook his head in an effort to clear it. "I never knew I was an addict."

She frowned. "You're not."

"Mac, if what you described to me is addiction. Then I've had it for years only in the reverse."

Her eyes widened in flattered surprise. Harm continued. "Have you talked about this with your therapist?"

"No, I thought of it on the way home from my session."

"Well, I'm no expert, but I do have a theory."

"Oh yeah, what's that?"

"I don't think you're addicted to me at all." Mac raised her eyebrows, but Harm held up his hand. "Please let me finish. I get what you're saying, and I think I understand what you've told me. Actually, it explains a lot about what was going on in your head. But, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I don't think you became addicted to me, I just think you fell in love with me." He stopped for a moment, trying to put his thoughts to words. "And I think, sometimes, it's difficult for a person who has gone through so much to correctly identify the true origin of their feelings."

She took a minute to contemplate what he'd said. "So you think that I have mistaken love for addiction?"

"Well you've never been lucky at love."

Mac sat back, stung. "Thanks, that's a really nice thing to throw in my face."

"I mean it Mac. There's no reason a woman as beautiful and intelligent as you should have had such a hard time giving and accepting love."

"Thanks. I think." She said wryly. "So you think that I back away from love because it…feels like addiction."

"Yes, and addiction is your monster in the closet." He paused and she saw him switch into lawyer mode. "Let's look at this logically. You've fought addiction your whole life. Quite valiantly, I might add. The most basic element of addiction is dependence. Anything that makes you feel too dependent or needy gets lumped in with addiction in your mind. And you refuse to get close to anything that even resembles addiction. You won't allow yourself to need anything, even if that need is love."

'No wonder he was so good in the court room'. Mac leaned her head back on the top of the couch, contemplating. Had her vigilance in fighting her addiction actually turned her every need into a weakness? Had her need for control truly been born of fear of slipping back into the pit of addiction? Yes, she thought, on both counts. "I didn't plan on falling in love with you." She said staring at the ceiling. "In fact everything about you was a complete surprise to me. I wasn't prepared. I didn't have a guideline, or a mission plan, so I went on the defensive without even realizing it." She sat up. "Damn. Have I always been such a control freak?"

Harm met her gaze. "Last time you lost control in your world someone died."

She gave a slight nod, but was silent for a long time. "I need time to think about all of this."

"I can understand that, but I want you to promise me something."

"I'll come to you if I need anything, I promise."

He smiled. "Well, that too. But that's not what I was going to say. I want you to promise that you'll talk to your therapist about this," He said, gesturing between them. "She will be able to give you better insight than I can."

"Oh, I think you did pretty good."

"Even so, I want you to tell her about it." He reached out and took her hand. For a moment he just held it.

Mac cocked her head to the side. "Harm what is it?"

She swallowed hard at the look of resignation on his face.

"I want to be with you Mac…"

"But…" She prodded quietly.

"There is no 'but', I want to be with you, plain and simple."

"Then why do you look like you're about to cut off my right arm?"

His expression softened, but the pained look didn't fade. "I'm not, believe me. I just want you to be happy. I want to be the one to make you happy. If…if it's not healthy for you to be with me…"

Mac's features hardened. "Don't. Don't you dare say it. When it comes to you, I follow my heart, not what some therapist is going to say. It's my heart that's screwed up, but that's not your doing. And even if I am addicted to you, I will find a way to make it a healthy addiction." She leaned forward. "That's what we have to do Harm. We have to make this thing between us into something healthy."

"How do we do that Mac? I want you to come to me. I want to go through everything with you, but I just…How do we do this?"

"I really don't know, but I want to try."

"So do I." He hesitated, then continued. "Mac nothing has ever been healthy or normal between us. We both know why. This is uncharted territory." He looked away. "I'm trying to be supportive but I don't know how much more I can take, not knowing how you're going to react to me when I come into the room."

"Harm, I'm sorry…"

"It's okay. I know you're struggling." He stopped and ran a hand through his hair. "I know you're scared of hurting me, but I want you to focus on yourself." He leaned forward and touched her arm. "I want you to make an appointment tomorrow."

"Okay, I will." She took a deep breath and then stood. "It's almost dawn, I better get going."

He caught her hand. "Mac, don't go yet. Not yet. It's still dark. Let's go back to bed."

She hesitated for a long moment, and then simply nodded. They moved slowly up to his room, and fell back into bed. Harm wrapped his body around her, and held on tight. She pressed into his chest, and long after she thought he was asleep, she softly began to weep.

He woke up alone.

TBC...