Thanks to Fenris becoming overzealous in the bedroom, Aiden hadn't been eager to get back to the road. Nevertheless, it had been an amazing night together and one that Aiden hoped they would repeat from time to time. Somehow, it felt like they had really turned a corner in their relationship and the two were closer than ever. They ultimately stayed a fortnight at the Castillo hunting lodge. Saying goodbye to the Hero and Zevran had been difficult; however, Hawke had a sinking suspicion that circumstance would throw them together again so it wasn't goodbye for long.
Aiden and Fenris traveled by foot for another week. Their destination was one that they'd agreed on with Varric before even leaving Kirkwall. A small city of absolutely no importance in the scheme of the world, large enough two people could live there without drawing a deal of attention, but too small to be the kind of place one had to look over their shoulder the entire time. Neither Fenris nor Hawke had spent much time in Rivian but the country was known to have a small interest in the Chantry and a broader mindset about mages, therefore, it was likely to be a safer place than the rest of Thedas.
Thanks to his various adventures, Hawke had plenty of gold to allow them to live quietly for a time, so long as they did so in more modest means than he had in High Town. Aiden smiled, thinking about how he would love to pass a year or two doing simply nothing but the inactivity would also drive him mad.
"You're smiling to yourself again." Fenris commented.
"I was just thinking about how nice it will be to get off the road. When I suggested we go to Rivian I don't think it occurred to me that it was so far away."
"I still think we could have used horses." Fenris teased.
Aiden rolled his eyes, "The Hero walked from one end of Ferelden to the other and she didn't need a horse. Neither do I."
"Someday I hope you take me to Ferelden. I will find these countrymen of yours and find out what could have traumatized you so much about horses."
Hawke laughed, "Well in that case I might take you to anywhere besides Ferelden." Though the idea of taking Fenris to Ferelden did hold appeal though, showing him the places that Hawke had grown up and Lothering of course.
"Those look like rainclouds." Fenris said as they came around a corner and could see further into the distance.
Indeed, there were dark rumbling clouds headed their way, "How about we head back to those buildings we just passed?"
They only had to backtrack a little to get to some buildings that from their appearance had been abandoned for a year or two. Luckily, there was still a roof over one of the homes and the two hunkered down to wait out the storm. They had barely sat before large hailstones began banging on the weakened roof.
"I hope it holds up." Aiden muttered, looking up to make sure that no hail was coming through the part of the house they were set up in.
There was very little furniture left inside the house, most of it likely carried off by looters long ago. There was a single rotting chair and a broken down bed. Fortunately, the chimney was intact and using the pieces of the chair, they have a nice fire blazing in no time. As usual, Aiden avoided using magic to start the fire, he only did that when it was absolutely necessary. The two of them sat in front of the fire, side by side both watching the flames.
"We need to talk." Fenris said with a resigned tone.
Aiden was instantly on his guard, and he turned a little so he could look at Fenris better, "About what?"
"My markings, I want you to be able to use them when the situation requires it."
Hawke picked up a stone off the floor and scrapped a little mud off his boots, "No." He dismissed the idea outright. "Shall I cook us some supper? We may as well camp here tonight."
"Don't ignore me Hawke." Fenris' voice rose a little in anger.
Aiden stood up to go rummage in his bag, there were a few potatoes and some carrots that would make a good stew. He knelt on the floor, digging to the bottom of his bag trying to find all the potatoes, "I thought I had some onions, do you have some onions in your bag? It would have been nice if we had a little meat to throw in."
"Hawke!" Fenris shouted and his markings actually began to glow.
Aiden looked up at him, Fenris had stood up in front of the fire, his brow creased in anger and all Aiden could do was sink his head into his hands.
"I can't Fenris. I told you I can't."
"Don't just avoid this Hawke. I'm telling you that this is important."
Aiden shook his head, "This isn't a conversation we are going to have." He knew he was being stubborn but he couldn't even fathom using Fenris' markings.
"That time you fell down that mountainside, I pulled you into that cave and stitched you up myself."
Hawke looked up, Fenris was looking at the floor though, his voice still angry but now also full of pain.
Fenris continued after clearing his throat, "If I hadn't found you in time you would be dead. You do know that?" Fenris looked up at him, his green eyes searching Hawke's face.
"I know." Aiden stammered, "But you did find me."
"If you had simply healed yourself I wouldn't have spent that harrowing night worrying that you would die."
Aiden winced at the accusation.
"There are other times too," Fenris went on, "In times of need it would be better if you could use my markings. I'm telling you that it is alright to do so when the situation demands it."
Hawke didn't miss the great gesture that this was for Fenris to make. He'd been through hell for those markings and resented their existence. However, even with all of that, he was willing to let Hawke use him just like those other bastards had used him. It was a very brave gesture, but the idea made Aiden sick on several levels.
"I can't Fenris. Please don't ask me to." He finally whispered, barely heard over the sound of the rainstorm coming down outside.
"Why?" Fenris asked, he was angry again, he clearly couldn't understand Hawke's continued refusal.
Aiden shook his head, he couldn't possibly know where to start, this conversation was going to end unhappily for one of them. He got to his feet shakily, "I'm going to go to sleep for a while." He wanted to back away from this, go to bed and pretend nothing happened.
Fenris wasn't having it though, in an instant he flew across the room and grabbed Aiden by the front of his shirt and shook him, "No. You are going to settle this with me." His marks were pulsing violently and Aiden's palms were twitching, feeling the lyrium pouring off Fenris.
"Maker's balls, Fenris! I don't want to talk about this." Aiden tried to pull his shirt back so he could get out of Fenris' grasp.
"Tell me why!" Fenris grabbed his shoulder, his fingers digging in tight.
"Because when we first met you hated me on sight!" Aiden shouted, and the words kept pouring out of his mouth, "You hated every mage just for existing. I spent years, years, trying to get you to accept me and even now, I hesitate! I didn't even start tonight's fire with magic simply because I don't trust that you really accept me being a mage."
Fenris looked surprised, he dropped his hold on Hawke but didn't say anything which only provoked Aiden to get more worked up.
"How can you ask me to treat you like they did? The people you hate most in the world did that to you and now you ask the same of me? All the time I've spent telling you that every mage is not the same and even now you think I would ever stoop to that level. How can you ask that? You swore how you hated them for using you and now you simply expect me to use you? When I know that under any other circumstances, you would despise me if I tried, but just because you ask me to you expect me to do it. How cruel can you be?" Aiden tried to laugh but it came out hallow, more like a choked sob, which tore through him, "Not to mention the fact that it would cause you unbelievable amounts of pain. You think I could torture you? Do you really think I'm that rational of a person? That we can stand here and rationally discuss the possibility that I might need to torture you someday?" Aiden panted, trying to stop his tirade, "Don't ask this of me." He dropped to his knees, unable to look Fenris in the eye anymore.
After a few uneasy moments, Fenris knelt in front of Hawke so that their knees touched. He wasn't glowing anymore, but Hawke could still feel the echoes of the lyrium flowing off him. Fenris reached out and put his hand on Aiden's thigh, and other on his waist, and then he gently touched his forehead against the side of Hawke's face.
"Aiden." Fenris finally said. Just a little prodding, but that was all it took, Aiden moved his head and they sat that way for a while, just touching forehead to forehead, eyes closed, until the pounding of Aiden's heart slowed.
"I didn't realize." Fenris said carefully.
Hawke made a self-deprecating laugh, of course Fenris didn't realize Aiden's feelings. Communication had never been Aiden's strong point and now he'd gone and spilled a whole lot of ugly thoughts he had been trying to keep to himself. "I'm sorry. I think I said some things I shouldn't have."
"No you explained yourself well," Fenris whispered, Aiden scoffed again and tried to pull away but Fenris stopped him with a gentle touch on the side of his face, "I do know you are a mage Aiden."
Hawke stiffened, wanting to pull away but just the backs of Fenris' fingers on his cheek held him in place.
"I know you're a mage. I told you once that I believe you are a man like no other and I still believe that. I will not walk away from you now."
"Fenris." Aiden wasn't sure what he wanted to say, after all, there was so much he wanted to say. He wanted to believe that promise, but it was hard. He loved Fenris, he could forgive Fenris anything, if Fenris did leave him because he was a mage Hawke would understand and he would let Fenris go again. For some reason however, it was hard to accept that Fenris would stay.
"Yes, I hated others for using me. However, I have no problem using my markings to save my friends or myself. You know that much." It was true, Fenris had often used his marks in combat when he wanted a certain edge or a very dramatic entrance. "I know you wouldn't ever hurt me. That's why I trust you with this. I want you to use my markings because I want to use everything in my power to make sure that you and I survive together."
Aiden turned up his eyes to see Fenris' wide green eyes so close, eyes that Aiden felt he could fall into at this moment, "I want to survive together. But I don't want to hurt you."
Fenris took one of Hawke's hands in his own, "It will hurt, but it is preferable to separating again."
Aiden smiled at last, "Maker Fenris, what a line."
Fenris answered with a smile of his own, and it may have just been the illusion of the firelight but Hawke was fairly sure he blushed.
"I love you." Aiden whispered. There was nothing left to say at this point. He loved Fenris and he was going to have to believe in him and give up on the idea that Fenris would possibly leave him someday. It wasn't going to be easy, Aiden was pretty sure that there were some more serious problems down the road. However, for now, he was going to accept Fenris' assurance and try to get over his insecurities about being a mage around Fenris. And as to using the markings for power, Hawke wasn't sure he was ever going to do it, but he understood Fenris' reasoning now.
This time Hawke was sure that Fenris was blushing, he wanted to get a good look but Fenris pulled him into a long hard kiss.
Just as Hawke was getting really interested in the kiss, Fenris broke it off.
"Alright. Let's get to practicing." Fenris sat down comfortably and crossed his legs.
"Practicing?"
"You need to be able to know how it's done when the time comes so practice is the only option."
"Now?" Aiden asked nervously.
"Yes now. We are stuck here until the rain lets up."
"Fenris." Aiden groaned, trust Fenris to take a reluctant yet on Aiden's part and make it into a firm promise.
The elf held up his hands, "I know, but it won't get any easier later. Please. Let's just try."
Cursing for all he was worth Aiden sat down more comfortably on the floor opposite Fenris.
"We are stopping as soon as I want though." Aiden warned. Fenris gave a reluctant and small nod.
Hawke rubbed his palms together and focused, as he focused he could feel it, it was always there, but now he focused on it, the gentle pulse of the lyrium coming from Fenris.
"Just go ahead anytime." Fenris prodded him.
Aiden pulled a little on the pulse, trying to grab at the invisible ebbing wave. Grabbing it was far easier than he had imagined, and as soon as he did Fenris' markings lit up brightly. Fenris winced and sat unnaturally still, his muscles clenched. Aiden frowned, right now he wasn't even getting much lyrium from the markings. He pulled a little harder, it still flowed easily to him, Hawke tried grabbing enough he could probably augment a spell. Fenris broke out in a sweat, Hawke could see him clenching his jaw down.
"Let's stop." Hawke let go of the lyrium he'd been pulling and the light from the markings faded.
"Don't be ridiculous," Fenris was panting, "You haven't even started."
"Exactly." Hawke frowned.
"I can handle it." Fenris frowned back at him.
"I know you can. That doesn't make it better." He added the last bit in a mutter. "Wait actually I have an idea." He remembered a spell he'd learned from his father years ago about pain transference. The spell had seemed so pointless at the time, pulling half of someone's pain into yourself, Hawke had forgotten about it a while back.
"What?" Fenris asked.
Aiden smiled, "Well," he quickly explained what he was about to do. Fenris looked a little reluctant but he knew better than to argue now that he had Hawke going this far. It was only good to pull about half the pain that Fenris experienced but hopefully that was enough to make the experience manageable.
They started again, Aiden pulling on the lyrium again until he had a good flow coming, then he worked his transference spell. He was completely unprepared for the feeling that knocked the breath out of him, it was like a closing fist all around him, crushing him from the inside out. Determined to carry on, he pulled more lyrium into the spell, and felt his veins catching fire. Fenris was watching him wide eyed and almost worried looking, he looked like he was in less pain but now he was more worried about the pain he was casing Hawke.
"Stop." Fenris spoke at the same time that Hawke decided to cut off the spell.
Hawke took a few steadying breaths and waited for his vision to clear. "So that is how it feels." He whispered.
Fenris rubbed his brows, "I am sorry. I should have stopped you from doing that."
Hawke laughed dryly, "I'm sorry I couldn't make it work."
Fenris frowned, "It can still work. Under extreme circumstances."
Aiden rubbed his chest, he could still feel the crushing pressure of the magic, he was sure it was worse for Fenris. He looked at Fenris with concern, but Fenris seemed only worried about Hawke.
"I'll make us some supper." He said weakly, getting up and trying to ignore the shaking of his legs.
They spent a couple hours in a contemplative but comfortable silence. Hawke had created a pleasant vegetable stew that they ate with some water and remains of a crumb cake from Mrs. Castillo. Fenris was reading a book and Hawke had his sketchpad out again.
"When we get to the town please teach me how to swim." Fenris said at last.
Aiden looked up from his sketchpad surprised, "You told me you would never learn."
"I was being stubborn." He licked the last of the crumbs off his fingers.
"If you're doing this just because of everything that just happened… Well, you don't have to if you don't want to."
"Just shut up and teach me Aiden." Fenris growled, he was clearly embarrassed.
"Alright. I'll take you up on it." He smiled, then bit his lip for a minute before continuing, "You know, the bonus of having a mage teach you to swim?"
"What's that?"
"You'll never drown." Hawke smiled. It was his dad's line from years ago when he'd taught the three of them to swim, usually said before Malcom brought a giant wave of water down on someone's head.
Fenris rolled his eyes, "Well I suppose there are some good sides to magic." He allowed.
"I wish you knew more of them." Aiden sighed. He got up from where he was sitting and crossed the room to Fenris. He sat down behind Fenris his legs on either side of the elf, and he pulled the smaller man in tight to his arms. There was a time not so long ago he couldn't have done this, but things had changed. Fenris sat stiffly in his arms for a moment before relaxing some, leaning back against Aiden's chest.
A tiny warming spell was all it took, just a small extra bit of warmth that made them feel like they were wrapped in a warm blanket instead of feeling the damp air. The small use of magic made Fenris' markings flicker in response, before Hawke would have thought it wasn't enough to hurt him but now he wasn't so sure. He cut the spell off with a sigh.
"Sorry." He buried his lips on the back of Fenris' neck, "I thought a little spell, a nice one, would make you feel better about magic or something."
Fenris held onto Hawke's arms around him, "It did feel good, don't stop."
"But your marks."
"That doesn't hurt at all, I swear."
Hawke swallowed hard, he was more nervous about it now but preformed his spell again, making them warm and toasty in no time. Fenris' marks glimmered in the cabin. The sun had set outside and so the only light came from the fire and Fenris.
Hawke touched one of the markings in Fenris' arms, he usually didn't touch them directly, afraid that they hurt Fenris. However, right now he was entranced by the way they were flickering. Where he touched glowed brighter and surprisingly, Hawke felt lyrium pouring out of the area. Unlike before, he didn't pull on it, it simply flew out of Fenris and was caught and mingled into Aiden's spell.
"Ah!" Fenris gasped, sounded more surprised than in pain.
"Does that hurt?" Hawke asked, he stopped rubbing the mark, the glowing dimmed down to a flicker again, and the lyrium stopped pouring out.
"No." Fenris was shaking though, trembling in Aiden's arms.
"Hey, talk to me." Aiden didn't want to move, he was afraid of doing the wrong thing.
"Do that again." Fenris ordered.
Hawke did the same motion, rubbing the marking just as he had before and the same reaction happened.
Fenris wiggled, "It feels like, when a limb that is numb wakes up, it doesn't hurt but it feels strange."
Aiden smiled in relief but he was also in awe about the revelation, "So it is possible to get lyrium out of your marks without hurting you then."
"Try something more."
With a deep breath, Aiden rubbed his hands down Fenris' arms, and in response, the markings lit up and poured forth a massive amount of lyrium. Hawke felt positively high from the sudden amount of lyrium in his body. He could do a lot of spells with this much magic, as a matter of fact, he could do some very dangerous magic with this much lyrium.
"How does it feel now?" Aiden remembered to ask. His mind was buzzing from all the lyrium, so much so he'd almost forgotten Fenris.
"Still slightly uncomfortable, the same tingly numbness feeling." Fenris seemed in awe, "I don't understand how this is possible."
Aiden closed down his spell for a moment, trying to come back to Thedas, "If I had to guess, I would say that your markings are now 'open' they are just giving lyrium, but before they were 'closed' and I had to pull it out of you. I think it may be something related to how you are feeling perhaps."
"I can't believe it." Fenris was shaking again, Aiden thought he was moments from breaking down in tears. It must be shocking to learn that all this time there was another way to deal with his marks.
"I'm going to try something else, let me know how it feels." Aiden was still a little high from the lyrium pulsing around him and was probably not thinking clearly, but he wanted to see what would happen if he actually fed more magic into the markings. If so, it might be possible to actually heal the pathways that the lyrium carved into Fenris' body.
Aiden pushed some healing magic back into those channels, trying not to push too much at once. Fenris jolted in his arms, crying out.
"Tell me what you are feeling." Hawke pleaded.
"That feels, ah!" Fenris shuddered and tossed his head to the side. Aiden unmistakably heard the note of arousal in Fenris' voice.
"That actually feels good?" Hawke guessed.
"I don't…" Fenris panted, "It's vibrating inside of me everywhere."
Hawke raised a brow and kept pushing magic into Fenris.
"What are you doing to me?" Fenris panted, his fingers digging into Aiden's thighs. He whimpered a little as he wiggled in Hawke's arms, soft little pleading pleasured sounds.
"Trying a little healing magic inside of you."
"Fuck Aiden, that's not healing magic, it's even better than that bloody wine that bastard gave us." Fenris almost was thrashing in Aiden's arms. He turned his head to the side and looked up into Hawke's eyes, his green eyes dark with arousal, "Kiss me." He demanded.
Hawke happily complied, he kissed him enjoying the way that Fenris was writhing in his arms.
"Do you want more?" He pulled back from Fenris' mouth.
Fenris tried to glare at him but the blush on his cheeks diminished the effect, "Yes." He said reluctantly.
Grinning, Aiden reached between Fenris legs and pushed them apart so he could feel Fenris' length. "You're already half hard." He was surprised.
"Shut up. Just do something about it."
Aiden pulled open Fenris' pants so that he could stroke his cock, when he had him in hand he put more power into the marks making Fenris cry out.
Fenris put his hand into his mouth and bit down on it, trying to stifle his cries as completely fell apart in Hawke's arms.
Hawke pulled up Fen's shirt, "Here, bite this." He handed him a roll of fabric and Fenris bit down on the cloth, leaving his chest exposed for Aiden to play with. The glow from Fenris' body was bathing the room in light.
Aiden slid his hands over Fenris' torso watching the marks glow wildly as they pleasured Fenris. One hand still stroking Fenris cock, his other was pinching and twisting Fenris' nipples. The markings began to pulse in time to Hawke's hand, every stoke up toward the tip they glowed brighter. Fenris wiggled back and ground his ass against Hawke's own rapidly interested cock. Aiden cursed a little but tried to ignore it, right now he wanted to focus on pleasing Fenris. Fenris was groaning and moaning through the shirt stuffed in his mouth, he weakly tried to hold onto Hawke's knees but his grip was far weaker than normal. Hawke's whole body was buzzing with the energy rolling off Fenris.
"Don't fight it, you can come." Aiden licked Fenris' pointed ear, nipping the tip of it with his teeth.
Fenris opened his mouth his shirt falling, "Aiden! I can't." Fenris cried.
"You're fine, you can come." Aiden stroked him harder, precum was spilling out of Fenris' tip until Aiden's hand was dripping with it.
Fenris finally screamed his orgasm, it ripping through him while Hawke poured the last of his magic into Fenris' markings and stroked him as he came hard.
Fenris fell back, in a total daze after he came and Aiden held him gently whispering to him.
Slowly Fenris started to come back to reality, he was still limp as a rag in Hawke's hands but he was also humming in happy contentment.
"What the fuck was that?" He finally said, his voice a little scratchy.
"That was a poorly thought-out plan to heal your lyrium markings. And, possibly the start of something crazy for us to enjoy in the future?"
Fenris moaned a little wearily, "I agree with both those statements."
Aiden kissed the side of Fenris' neck, enjoying being behind his lover for once. "I was a little lyrium high I'll admit. I should have thought it through, those markings are deep inside of you and probably began vibrating as a result of magic. Though I don't think I could have anticipated you would have that reaction."
Fenris laughed a little but that laughter quickly turned into a chocked sob. Aiden felt the shudder of tears before he felt it. His heart wrenched when he realized that Fenris was actually crying.
"Fenris?" Aiden said panicking.
Fenris couldn't manage a reply, just a whimper.
Gently as he could, Aiden flipped Fenris around on his lap so that Fenris was facing him. Something that sounded like an objection came out of Fenris' mouth but Hawke ignored him. There weren't any actual tears rolling out of Fenris' eyes but otherwise he was crying, shaking and a wretched look on his face, he actually grabbed on to Aiden and clung to him.
Aiden was worried, he had no idea what he was supposed to do to make things right, however, he didn't try and pester Fenris about it. He simply held Fenris had stroked his back, trying to be as patient and gentle as possible.
Time passed and the storm continued to rage on. Neither of them said anything, Hawke afraid to further upset Fenris, and Fenris was lost in his own world. The two of them laid together long enough they dozed and finally fell asleep in each other's arms.