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Chapter 9: I thought my heart was bulletproof, until I met you

Emma:

I was walking through the forest. Slowly walking because otherwise I would get out of breath too soon. I was no longer in a good shape, neither physically nor mentally.

Physically because of the illness which was progressing quickly without treatment. I once read that out of 400.000 adult cancer patients only 10.000 could be healed through chemotherapy. It does not surprise me that I was not one of them, given that statistic and my general luck in life.

I hated how weak the disease was making me. I could no longer go jogging. It was my number one hobby before the diagnosis. It was like flying, when the wind brushed over my face, when I ran so fast, that I could no longer feel the floor beneath me, when I pushed over my limits. I loved it. It was the greatest thing to me because I always felt so free while running, like nothing could stop me, no matter what was about to come.

How wrong I have been.

Everything changed and everything would get worse soon. I would no longer be able to walk around so leisurely, I would be bed-stricken, I would wait for salvation to end my struggling. I would loose the battle against the illness. I would be another victim that was claimed by cancer. One of millions. And I did not even know what caused it. The latency of genotoxic substances (some of them were contained in food, in our environment, food, tobacco etc.) was too long and there were too many to track the one fatal substance down. I could never know if it was genetically since I did not know who my parents were. Maybe it ran in the family. Maybe I just worked the wrong jobs (inhaling toxic gases and fine particles), ate the wrong stuff, dated the wrong guys who were into smoking.

I would never know. This uncertainty was sometimes eating me up because I always felt like I was being punished for something I had done wrong in the eyes of fate, god, whatever. I could live with the fact that I had brought this upon myself by consuming the wrong things because if I ever got to know it lay in my genes, my faith would forever be broken. Because then I would be unwanted and nonetheless, condemned to die because of some illness I inherited from the parents that gave me away, that did not want anything to do with me. I would have been saved by a boy all those years ago, only too die years later because of this fucking genetical illness. Unwanted and unworthy to live. Sometimes it felt this way.

My only wish was, that it was not genetically for the sake of Henry and the children he may once have. My time was running out. I knew I had to talk to Regina sooner or later. I hated that woman from the bottom of my heart, but she was Henry's mother. If I should leave him or tell him that I was ill and dying, than she should be with us. She should be there to comfort him. Maybe we could find peace with each other, once she realized I would and could never take Henry away from her.

And I needed to enjoy the few days I had left and by god, I knew it would be too little of them. Too little time for all the things there were still to do, the things that were still to see.

All the things considered, I should be worried about so many things, my nearing death, leaving Henry behind without explaining myself to him why I kept it secret, the life I would never have with him, the many things I would never achieve … but the one thing my brain would not shut up about was …KILLIAN.

I knew I made the right decision, going a step towards him, trying to be friends, being supportive about his girlfriend. He truly deserved to be happy after everything he went through with Graham recently.

It was foolish of me to have expected him to fall in love with a lethally ill person. He was searching for ultimate happiness and not temporary happiness. Very temporary happiness.

But since the encounter at Granny's dinner we at least constantly were talking on the phone, meeting each other, going to the movies and so on. A friendship was what we had, was what had to be enough for me. I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I was glad I did not turn my back on him once I got to know about Annie. A friendship with him was better than nothing.

He even introduced me to Annie. We got along quite okay, but it was always awkward when she joined in our meetings because then there was always silence between the three of us, unfunny jokes or meaningless small talk. I liked it better to have time with him on my own or together with Henry. Henry, Killian and I always had a good time, filled with laughter and for some time I forgot about my illness and I just felt … normal.

Annie was nice but I would not be able to like her since she took the one thing I truly wanted to have. I had dreams about shouting at her to take her hands off of him, about punching her sweet smile out of her face, about kissing Killian in front of her and him enjoying it and not pulling back like it had been in reality. Oh my, this dreams seemed to be a way of my subconsciousness to deal with the anger and sadness (as well as my desire for him) that have been built up in me. But this feelings were jut not decreasing, only getting stronger by the day.

I quickened my steps, it was so cold that I could see my breath dancing in front of my eyes. I tried to memorize every detail of this forest, from every tree to its bark, every color in this colorful forest with the green fir needles and the sun emerging from above the trees. I worshipped this moment and hoped to remember it for the times I would be stuck in a monotonous hospital room without colors, without hope, without joy. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I listened to the many noises around me and I heard my own heartbeat. I was at total peace, everything else was forgotten.

Suddenly, there was a disturbing noise in the midst of the forest. It took me a while to realize it was my own cellphone. I picked it up. „Hello?" „Emma, love, how are you doing?" My heart started to beat faster. He had begun to call me ‚love' again. I had missed his flirting and pick-up-lines, although I knew now that they were meaningless towards me. „I am okay." „You sound a bit out of breath, where are you?" „Just walking in the forest." „Alone?" „Yeah, why?" „I just think it's a bit dangerous, love, I recall dragging you up from the forest floor once upon a time." „That was just because I was high." „I am worried though, I don't want anything to happen to you and I could stand a bit of fresh air. Where are you exactly? I am picking you up."

—

I was sitting on a tree stub, rubbing my hands against each other to make them warm. I was waiting for Killian. Some time has gone by since his phone-call. I thought about leaving two or three times but decided against it since I had more time to study the landscape.

And then, there he was, almost running towards me. He was smiling and wearing a black leather jacket that was hugging his figure perfectly. He looked absolutely stunning. His hair a total mess and nonetheless, perfect. I wanted to run my fingers through his thick hair. I still remembered the scent of it from his pillow although it felt like a lifetime has gone by since then. I wondered if all the theories about falling in love were true, that you were attracted by someone not because of their looks but because of their smell. Recalling his scent, which was driving me insane, it surely was possible.

„Hey, sorry it took me so long." „No problem. It's not that I had anything to do anyway. It's Saturday, so Henry is with Regina the whole day." „If you wanted company, all you had to do was ask." „I did not want to impose myself on you. Neither did I want you to throw aboard your plans with Annie." „She is at her sister's this weekend and other then that I would never feel like you forced your company on me. You are my friend, I like spending time with you, love. So next time don't hesitate and call me, understood?" „Yeah."

He had sat down next to me, our knees were touching. I still hated how he made me feel, like some hormone-driven, lovesick teenager. Every touch of his was sending flashes through my whole body. I was shivering, not because of the cold but because of his nearness. His head was turned towards me, his breath touching my cheeks. „Are you cold? We should head back." His face was inches away from mine. If I lifted my head a few millimeters, our lips would touch. I had to get those thoughts out of my brain! I had always condemned MM silently to feel attracted to a taken man and now … I was the same! Every thought was poisoned with dark, forbidden desires, with foolish actions, with stolen kisses. It was like I could not breathe anymore unless I would take action. I felt like being chocked. I did not know what to do. I convulsed.

When I looked at him again, he nearly jumped up. The distance between us made it easier for me to breathe again. „Help me up?", my voice sounded hoarse. Hesitantly, he offered me his hand and I took it, he pulled me up, when suddenly I could see out from the corner of my eye, that a black, monstrous eagle was flying towards us, baring his claws.

I pushed Killian away, but since he did not let go of my hand, we were both landing on the floor, well, I landed on top of him. All I could see were his blue, blue eyes that always reminded me of the ocean, in which I got lost all the time. They made me weak, I did not know why. Like they saw my true feelings for him lying buried deep within me.

His eyes were locked with mine, until sprinkles of red caught my sight. „You are bleeding, Killian! Are you hurt?" I searched his face for any serious wounds, there was a bleeding scratch through one of his eyebrows. His hand wandered to the scratch. „What was that thing? I think it hurt me. Thank you for pushing me out of the way." „You are welcome."

Again this silence. But it was a good silence. I could not describe it. Just something I have never experienced with anybody else. I wanted it too last as long as possible -I was almost lying in his arms.

But then I overcame myself and picked myself up, I was kneeling and Killian was sitting. I dogged an unused tissue from my jacket pocket and dabbed the blood with it. „Am I going to survive, Doctor?", he mocked me. And yet, he seemed to regret his remark because guilt was masking his face. I hated how he thought he had to overthink everything in his head before speaking to me. I did not want to be handled with kid gloves. Sometimes I wished he did not know about my illness. I liked him better when he was talking freely to me.

„It's almost invisible." „Is my handsomeness still intact?" He said with that Irish accent of him, that was driving me crazy and directly went to my core. I had to overplay my craving for him, that's why I decided to play along with his necking. „Well, if Annie is into scars than yes." As soon as I said that, I jumped up and ran away from him. „Just you wait!" He was chasing me, but I could not compete against him.

That's why I said after a while: „Okay, stop! I surrender!" He was lifting me up and throwing me over his shoulder. He was spinning us around, until I my sight was spinning too. „Let me down, please!" I was laughing so hard now. „No, I am going to carry you to the car as your punishment for offending me." We both knew that it had been a joke and he noticed how out of breath I was, that was the only reason he carried me. Maybe it had some benefits of him knowing how ill I was since then I got body-contact now and again.

Again his scent was driving into my nose, tickling every cilia until it sank into my brain and was directly stored in my long-term memory.

Too soon we arrived at his car. „Should I drive you home?" He set me down slowly. „No, I am supposed to meet Mary Margret at the Miner's Day festival. She is selling candles in order to bank some good will. Last time I checked on her… well, I think it's going awful." „I am going to join you, haven't been at the festival for years. Get in the car."

—

We were walking next to each other, talking about random things. I could not speak so freely with anybody else. My mind constantly wondered about what it would be like to walk like this, additionally holding hands like being totally infatuated. For heaven's sake I was not romantically minded, but this place was absolutely enchanting in the dusk with all the chains of lights.

Everywhere you could buy stuff that you would never need and nonetheless, the people bought the junk. Killian and I had stopped once to buy something warm to drink, we carried the mugs with us while going to Mary Margaret's candle booth.

By the many unsold candles I could tell that they were barely making sales. The town's drunk and the town's promiscuous woman. Leroy was looking frustrated and not really looking like he could talk people into buying any candles. Mary Margret on the other hand looked like a girlscout, too eager to bring her bars of chocolate to the uninterested people. I was sorry for both of them.

„I would like to buy 5 candles." Mary Margaret turned towards us. „Oh hey, you two. Killian, you don't have to do me a favor." He really was too kind. He had noticed too how poorly the two were selling candles. „No, I don't. I can really use them on my boat. You always have to be prepared for being stuck on the ocean." „Well, then here you go." Mary Margaret put them into a plastic bag, Killian took the candles and handed Mary Margaret the money.

„I really appreciate it, Killian." „I really do need candles though and it's for a good cause. I hope you will raise enough money to help the nuns." Killian was dragging me away from the booth, I mouthed a „See you later" towards Mary Margaret. She absently waved at me while putting the money into the register-box.

„Where are we heading?" „They sell pretty good waffles at one of the stalls. I am starving and because you are like an open book to me, I know you haven't eaten for hours, so I am buying us some waffles." I wanted to ‚but' him, once I saw his gaze, there was no disagreeing with him.

Once he got the waffles, he cut off a piece of the waffle and impaled it on the fork. „Open your mouth up, I promise it's delicious." He was feeding me and god, everything he did was just turning me on so much. We both were chewing the waffle and it truly tasted wonderful. He still was smiling at me, revealing his perfect teeth.

If this whole day had been a date, it would have been one of the nicest I ever had. Must be because he was someone I really liked and not one of the many douche-bags I have dated in the past.

After the waffle I wanted to go home, but Killian was talking to someone sitting in a booth. I was standing a bit offside. His back was turned towards me, I knew that he was a taken man but nobody could say anything about me checking him out, staring at his ass. I was bitting my lower lip. My attraction for him was growing with every passing second, my heart was beating faster per minute.

And then suddenly, everything blackened. Had to be an electricity cut. But I was not afraid of the darkness. I saw it as a chance. A chance to take actions into my own hand. To free me of this feelings. I did not know what came over me, but I walked over to Killian, I was sure he could not see me, because I could see nothing but blackness. But I knew exactly where he was standing, his exact position was burned into my brain.

I could feel the leather of his jacket brushing my skin, while I embraced him. I crushed my lips on his, still tasting the icing sugar of the waffles on his lips. My fingers drove into his thick hair like I had imagined it earlier this day.

The odd thing was, he did not push me away. I could be anyone, a total stranger and yet, he responded to the kiss. He even deepened the kiss, his tongue asking for permission, which was granted without hesitation. He was such a good kisser that my knees were starting to buckle. It felt like fainting and flying at the same time.

When I noticed the first light appearing in the far distance, I pulled away and walked towards the spot I have stood before. Should I stay? No, I had to get away. This was a bad idea. I wanted to push the thoughts out of my mind by taking actions but the only thing I reached, was, wanting him more, desiring more than just a kiss.

I ran away, once I was out of sight, I was texting Killian that there was an emergency at the station and that I had to get away. I knew it was making me the number one suspect and yet, I did not care, he and I … we (well, surely I more than him) had to forget the kiss. He had a girlfriend that he seemed to deeply care about.

My fingers wandered to my lips, brushing over them softly. I would forever remember how soft his lips were, how they moved against mine, how his beard-stubbles had tickled my skin.

Stupid me. Why did I always fall for the wrong guys? That either were not giving a shit about me, treating me like shit or not wanting me at all. It was frustrating.

—

I was sitting in my office just for pretense. There was nothing to do for me. It was Saturday for god's sake. Even Mr. Gold had been released a few days ago, so I could not even make smalltalk with him to put my mind off of this kiss.

I hated my endorphins! Why was I doing that? Why was I kissing him? What if I destroyed everything now? Why did something so wrong feel so good? I wanted to creep in some dark hole and never come out of it again.

How should I face him again? Even if he did not know how it had been, the kiss would be always standing between us.

I was eating ice-cream with bits of chocolate-bars and chocolate-sauce and whipped cream. I needed some calories. I always was eating if something was a total mess, it was the only thing to help me see clearly again. One spoonful ice after the other was landing in my mouth. Once you start with such things you can never stop, it was like a legalized drug that was tasting even better with every bite.

I startled up when the phone was ringing. The spoon was flying out of my hand, everywhere was ice-cream. I had to take a few deep breaths to calm myself and swallow the rest of the ice-cream that was still in my mouth before picking it up.

—-

I held it in my own hands. The supposedly proof that David had to be lying to me, he phoned with Kathryn only hours before she went missing. But his voice was so honest, no guilt, no hesitation, no stuttering, no shacking in it, when he told me they had not spoken since they broke up and that when he got home, all her things were missing and that he assumed she went to Boston. Either my illness was weakening my ability to tell truth from lie or someone was setting him up. I did not know what this all meant.

I tossed the phone-records aside and I sat into my car. I questioned why I was so calm when everything in me was doubting what I was about to do. Why did I let Regina cloud my mind? But she was only worried about her friend. She wanted to get answers as well as I.

Killian had to know that Kathryn was missing too by now, since he was the only person that could tow away the abandoned car just meters from the ‚Leaving Storybrooke' sign. And now my text message was not made up anymore. It felt like karma to me. I had told a lie to get away, to hide my identity in the kissing-case from Killian and now, Kathryn was missing and it seemed to be the only suspect and the only one with a motive was David, the husband that had left her, that had had an affair. It should be the other way around, why would he hurt Kathryn?

I came to a halt in front of the town's place where the Miner's Day festival was still being celebrated. I did not know why but I had the feeling that I would find him here. The place had lost everything that was so enchanting earlier this day. Now there was just this nervousness inside of me, I felt like betraying Mary Margaret for not being able to find Kathryn.

I caught David starring at Mary Margaret from some distance. He knew that he had messed up. I knew that he was a good guy. He never wanted to hurt anyone, that's why he did not tell Kathryn about the affair when she already decided leaving Storybrooke behind her. I would prove his innocence no matter what. But I had to fulfill my duty as sheriff, I could not let him loose if there was the slightest chance that I had been wrong about him.

He turned towards me. God, I was so not ready for this. „Emma?" „David, we need to talk." There was hope in his eyes, hope that would be crushed soon and turned into something worse. Helplessness. Everything was pointing towards him. „Did you get ahold of Kathryn?" „No, I am afraid not." Now he was confused. I would be too. I caught the first pairs of eyes watching us. Maybe it had not been the best idea to arrive with the sheriff's car.

„I need you to come to the sheriff's station with me a-and tell me everything, David." „I thought I already did." „And so did I." He was walking towards the sheriff's car, not with shame like you would expect of a man who has supposedly made his wife disappear. Our backs were being watched, the crowd behind us was growing and when they saw that he sat in the back, everyone knew something was up. I caught Mary Margaret's eyes, looking shocked and confused and maybe a bit hurt because I did not tell her anything about what was going on?

I sat behind the driving wheel and started the car. I needed to solve this case and if it was the last thing I did.