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Chapter 10
To the outside world, with his brown hair and blue eyes, Daniel was the epitome of the 'tall, dark and handsome' man. To Syed, he was the man who had once drunkenly tried to force him to have sex. No matter how much Syed sought to fix it, their relationship still lay smashed on the floor, like a bottle that had slipped from his grasp in a moment's distraction. Trying to pick up the broken pieces only inflicted deep wounds. Every time Daniel touched him and tried to initiate intimacy, his emotional state of fear would leave him mentally paralysed. To Syed, making love was the most powerful and intimate act two people could ever experience together, not a chore that left you feeling uncomfortable and emotionally empty. No matter how much he wanted to pretend to be happy, or how much he wanted to desire Daniel, he couldn't ignore the truth. They hadn't had sex for weeks.
Spending an uncomfortable night on the sofa, Syed had never been more thankful to receive a phone call than he was last night. It has been Tamwar, fretting about their parent's marriage. Naked, except for his underwear, Daniel had sworn loudly, but had no choice but to allow Syed to take the call. It had been 2am by the time Syed had fallen asleep on the sofa, the phone still in his hand. He had been woken at 8am by a sullen Daniel, who had appeared from the bedroom and mumbled an inaudible acknowledgement to a sleepy Syed. Rubbing his arm, which had become numb from being slept on all night, Syed mused about what sort of day it would be. Suppressing a yawn, Syed apprehensively walked into the kitchen, intending to make peace.
"Hey", Syed offered casually, pouring himself a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.
Without turning round, Daniel grunted a reply, which sounded like "Hello", and began to butter a piece of toast. They ate breakfast in an uncomfortable silence, deliberately ignoring the elephant in the room.
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From the window in the bedroom, Syed watched the hustle and bustle of the local street market, everyone getting on with their lives as if on a continuous escalator, going up and down, but never, ever, stopping. A blonde woman he recognised as Christian's best friend, Roxy, came into view. She was arguing with her cousin, Phil, a man who spent his life imitating a bad-tempered grizzly bear. Syed had never spoken more than a few words to Roxy in the time he had lived in Walford. He felt awkward in her presence. They were complete opposites. He was shy, reserved and a non-drinker; she was loud, extroverted and drank like a fish. Syed's musings turned to Christian and he pondered whether the same would hold true for them. Christian and Roxy were best friends after all, so they must have lots in common, he concluded. Were he and Christian as incompatible as he and Roxy? Experience told him they weren't, but that was as friends, not lovers. With friends you say goodbye to them at the end of the evening, with lovers, they come home with you.
He watched as Roxy stormed off out of view, after obviously shouting a few choice obscenities at the bad-tempered grizzly bear. He was just about to move away from the window when he saw him, walking towards his flat next door. Screwing up his face, he noticed that he wasn't alone. Unable to pull himself away, he watched as Christian chatted animatedly to a blond-haired man that Syed didn't recognise, but immediately disliked. Shifting slightly to get a better view, Syed witnessed the blonde-haired man touch Christian slightly on the arm. He may have imagined it but Syed was sure the man's hand lingered far longer than strictly necessary. After a few minutes they disappeared from sight and the slam of the door below him signalled that they had entered Christian's flat.
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Acknowledging Daniel's grunted goodbye as he left for the hospital, Syed flopped down onto the sofa, absentmindedly flicking through the television channels. He always reckoned you lost one brain cell for every minute you watched daytime television, but for once, Syed welcomed the mind-numbing boredom of loud-mouthed women telling their boyfriend's they were pregnant with his brother's baby.
Who was that man Christian was talking to, Syed brooded to himself, as he watched Jeremy Kyle giving a teenage boy a lecture about "putting something on the end of it". It was probably a client, he supposed. Yes, that was it, he reckoned. The blonde-haired man was a client, who Christian was taking into his flat to retrieve some important workout information. Feeling slightly relieved at his conclusion, he smiled wryly at how ridiculous he sounded. Christian was hardly likely to invite his fancy man back to the flat he and James shared, and even if he did have a fancy man, it should be of no-concern to him. They were only friends after all.
Fed up of being preoccupied with Christian and the potential blonde-haired fancy man, Syed decided he would leave the flat and do some shopping before dinner tonight with…Christian, he sighed, rolling his eyes.
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As Syed browsed through the railing of casual shirts in the department store, he couldn't help but notice a black haired man, eying him intensely from several metres away. Shuffling slightly to get a better view, Syed recognised him as a man from the local Mosque. He had seen him a few times, nervously hovering around the entrance to the Mosque, but they had never spoken, and the man had remained nameless.
Feeling awkward and uncomfortable, Syed turned and offered the man a friendly half-smile, which he gratefully returned.
Feeling that the direct approach would be best, Syed confronted the man. "I don't mean to be rude, but why are you staring at me?"
The man hesitated for a few seconds before answering in a low, barely audible voice. "I'm sorry, it's just…I've seen you at Mosque a few times…you're Syed, aren't you?"
Syed nodded, but didn't move from where he was standing.
"I know…I know…" he trailed off as he spotted a woman, who Syed guessed was in her late 50's, round the corner and come into view. "Sorry", he mumbled, before rushing off in the other direction.
Puzzled, Syed half-ran after him, watching as he sprinted out of the department store and onto the high street.
With purchases in hand (a pair of jeans and two shirts), Syed left the store, hoping he would see the nameless man again. He seemed to be on the verge of saying something to him, before he was scared into silence by the appearance of the woman. He made a mental note to look out for him next time he went to the Mosque.
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Looking at himself in the mirror for the fifth time that afternoon, Syed pulled a face. He wanted this look to say "well-dressed but not too much". Smart casual was what he wanted to achieve. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to flatten it, beginning to regret not making an appointment to get it cut that morning. Hearing a noise from outside, Syed hurriedly opened the bathroom door and walked out.
"Hey", he greeted Daniel as he saw him standing by the window in the bedroom. "Um, sorry about that", he muttered embarrassed, noticing Daniel's eyes were being drawn to the pile of clothes on the bed. "I was just sorting things out"
"How was your mum?" Syed asked, putting the clothes on hangers, and placing them back into the wardrobe.
Daniel shrugged, turning his back towards Syed and staring blankly out of the window. Wanting to scream with frustration, Syed's body tensed. Deciding to walk away, he made a move to leave to bedroom.
"I don't deserve you, do I?" Daniel uttered, his voice broken.
Stopping where he was standing, Syed kept quiet, not knowing what to say.
"I keep messing up". Turning to look directly at him, Syed noticed how helpless he looked, like he knew there was something wrong between them but he couldn't admit what it was. "Everything has gone wrong. I need-"
"Is it your mum? What's happened?" Syed interrupted, hurriedly moving towards him, worry etched on his beautiful features.
Daniel hesitated, observing the concerned look on Syed's face. "She's getting worse" he stated carefully, not quite meeting Syed's eyes.