I'm free!
Free as the crow flies…
Free as the grass blows!
When I'm with you…
La la la la!
"You know, that doesn't work so well." Deritine muses while lying flopped over on the grass, basking in the sunshine while being luxuriously petted by a gaggle of random Hufflepuff females.
"How do you mean, I'm with you, no?" I proceed to do fantastic loop-de-loops in the air, soaring faster in dives and circles. It is a nice day out, warm with a chill breeze, mostly overcast with a twilight type of feel, but still enough sun to bask in as needed. Scattered applause comes from the Hufflepuffs. I land lightly and lie down next to Deritine. "I've been thinking." Deritine mumbles encouraging noises, though rather to me or to the Hufflepuffs, I am unsure. "See, it seems that I have become the entertainment around here. Which is fine, if I am also being entertained. But I'm not, which is the problem. It's my dream after all, and no way am I going to let it develop into angst, especially as there is no chance for a love interest."
The Hufflepuffs are roundly confused, but Deritine whines at them to continue patting. "Ok, first off, it isn't a dream. Secondly, it is not a fanfiction. So you kinda have to take it."
"I refuse to believe that, therefore I can do whatever I damn well please. I refuse to be scared of consequences anymore!"
"Here here! But that still doesn't change the facts."
"Oh please, I materialized from an alternate dimension and you sprang from my head like Athena. Don't tell me about facts." I float upwards and begin soaring back up to Hogwarts. "It's almost dinner, isn't it?" The Hufflepuffs nod. "Good. Deritine, you need to get your semi-corporeal butt in gear. After all, it is only your insistence on rules that holds you chained. You are as much a semi-ghost as I am." Deritine blinks up at my retreating form.
* * *
I look down at the masses of Hogwarts students stuffing their faces. Have I eaten recently? I can't remember. I definitely missed lunch due to the potions incident. I had a lemon drop… Did I actually eat that pastry at breakfast, of just point with it? I've been in this world for less than a day, however. Hmm, I probably should be hungry. Oh well, that is beside the point. This is not angst. To prove such a thing, there should be something amusing happening. But, really… I don't feel like it. But depression is bad… Argh! Ooo, there's Draco.
"Draco." I say, from my floating position right behind him. He whirls with his wand out, poking me in my surprised belly. "Ich, I think you may have just created a plot hole, there." I back away slightly, putting some space between me and the business end of Draco's wand.
"What do you want?" he asks.
"Oh so cold, I just came over here… er, well I suppose because I have seen quite enough of Snape in the past 17 hours or so."
"I see." Draco seems a little closed off. I suppose I could disappear his clothing… NO I DID NOT MEAN THAT! I glare at the suggestively see-through clothing.
"Uh, Draco. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I accidentally turned your clothing to gauze."
"What!?!" He looks down reflexively to see that, indeed, his clothing has a sheen to it not normally associated with school robes. "And what do you mean, the wrong way?"
"That is a rather good question, actually…" I'm trying very hard not to picture Draco with no clothes, but by massive effort the vision keeps coming. "Err… here." I toss him a cloak out of thin air, now almost mesmerized my the slow disappearance. STOPPIT! No use. Draco throws it over himself when I recognize it. I snort and almost choke- he is wearing what appears to be a large, pink bunny skin. Or perhaps Halloween costume. "That actually goes quite well with you're complexion…" Other Slytherin girls, who had been watching with as much interest as I are similarly affected.
"Oh how cuuute!" a few exclaim. Draco's face is quickly eclipsing the shade of the bunny suit.
"Well, a little tried, a little cliché, but I'm laughing." I state. I feel Snape behind me. Feel because of that way he has of standing right behind a person that only a tall and irritable teacher could ever pull off. The Death Eater training undoubtedly helped. "yes, Snape?" I ask. I turn around as I say this, and watch with amazement as pink sweeps with my gaze. All the way up to pink floppy ears. I burst out laughing. "Matching, perfect! I love my subconscious." Suddenly there is a length of wood poking me between the eyes. "What, you don't like it?" A flash of purple meets my eyes. Oh, the horror. "I… love…you!" I gasp out between guffaws. No one else seems to get it, except for the general sense of Snape in a giant purple dinosaur suit. Of course, unlike the original, Snape's head sticks out of the neck, and the wand is still clutched in one padded hand. I collapse on the ground, imagining a whole line Snape Barney episodes- with Draco as Baby Bop. Oh, I would watch the show then! I look over to see that a resigned Draco is indeed wearing a large green female triceratops costume. Compete with bow. I can't take it any longer, to funny, especially as how pissed off Snape looks… Bad Barney, scaring the little kids!
Snape uses a severing hex to rid himself of the cumbersome outfit and I am laughing too hard to tell him that it is likely a bad idea. In an annoyed gesture he slashes the suit from neck to foot along one side, revealing pale white skin. A rather lot of pale white skin. He looks down at his bare thigh for a second in disbelief. A moment of silence ensues, everyone is frozen. Snape look up and acquires a deeper frown than usual. I realize why when everyone remains motionless. No movement or noise whatsoever. Draco's clothes, I note, have returned to normal. So have Snape's it seems as pieces of it flutter away, leaving him perhaps less covered than before. His boxers end up on the floor in a faded grey heap. He barely is able to hold the rest of his robe together as it threatens to follow suit.
"I would have warned you…" I say between aftershock giggles, "but I was too amused." He glares at me, and with a greatly reduced swoop, walks away. "Fine then." I release time as soon as I figure out how to, leaving a half naked Snape to storm out of the remaining few meters of the dinning hall in full view of the temporally unaffected.
* * *
"So, yeah… I don't feel like even attempting to sleep anywhere. This new ability not to have to be within viewing distance of Snape is really nice, and I don't feel like waking up in his bed again…" Deritine and I am lying out on the castle turret, between two gargoyles. I figure if I'm not all warm and comfy I might actually be able to pull it off.
"Well, at least I know how to get to his rooms, I suppose." Deritine yawns. We look out over the sweep of Hogwarts' grounds, spying a thestral circling over the Forbidden Forest. "I suppose dying counts for seeing those things, as well, otherwise we're more screwed up than we thought."
I murmur an affirmative. The grass looks silvery in the moonlight, the Forbidden Forest like velvet next to it. The castle glows slightly in the light, seemingly made of moonshine itself. I sigh with happiness.
The peace is broken as both Deritine and I scream in pain and grasp our left arms. I lift up the sleeve of my borrowed robe and through the haze of pain I see a burning skull with a snake maliciously wiggling to cause maximum torment. "FUCK that HURTS!" I scream, or maybe Deritine screams, but both our snakes do happy little jigs sending new waves of fire burning up our arms. With a sickening lurch I am in a forest, where I don't know nor care as nausea and pain vie for attention. I curl up in a ball on the ground and just lie there.
I hear a crack like a gunshot, and another. Then there is a sound like suction followed by a pop. I look up blearily to see Deritine panting in a ring of Death Eaters. Suddenly the pain ceases. Deritine straightens with relief, looking around him. "Hey, I recognize you guys! But look! I followed you Aimry. I thought for sure you were waking up, how much that hurt and all, but I guess not." He looks behind him to see Voldemort. "Ooo! How pretty you are there, are those contacts? Wait, no… ah, you must be Riddle." Voldemort's eyes narrow, his mouth opens in a snarl as he whips out his wand. Deritine has only a second to tilt his head and open his mouth before he is hit with the killing curse. Something explodes from the back of his head, knocking into two Death Eaters and laying them flat. I watch as Deritine's limp body crumples to the ground, eyes glazed and cloudy.
"No!" I scream, running towards him.
"You!" Voldemort hisses. "How are you still alive? I did not think it possible."
"I informed you of this… problem, my Lord." Comes a familiar voice from behind me. Snape.
"You killed him, you bastard! I'll… I'll…"
Voldemort does not bother to reply. I retain enough knowledge for a time to note that I have been hit with two killing curses before the world fades away.
* * *
"Deritine!" I exclaim as I see him arguing with the minotaur.
"Aimry, there you are." He turns with a scrunched up nose and a rolling tongue- his version of a grin. "This guy is really funny, says I have to stay. I've been telling him how silly that is, since I was never really alive in the first place."
"Do I have to stay, too?" I ask.
"You! I told you before not to come back." The minotaur looks irritated
"I can't very well help it if people keep hitting me with curses and such, now can I?" I ask reasonably.
"Alright, from now on, you and anything that is attached to you are no longer able to even attempt to come here, you hear me?"
"But… Avada Kadavra…" I protest.
"I don't care if you get landed on by a nuclear missile. No coming back! You will just have to deal with it on your own. I've wasted enough time on you."
"What if I die in the right dimension." Though I'm not really sure why I'm protesting immortality. I have heard from some sources that it can be a drag.
"No, never. As far as I'm concerned, you, this mutt, and anything else that comes out of either of your heads don't exist. If it's connected to you, it's not coming here."
"I don't suppose that you know a way to get us back all in one head, do you?" Deritine asks pleasantly.
"No, and if I did, I wouldn't tell you." With that, he picks us both up by the back of our necks.
"But that just makes me think you do know." Deritine whines. With that we are resolutely tossed out of the afterlife… again. And, perhaps, for the last time.
* * *
"I'm free!" I hear as I come to on the ground. "I'm Freeeeeeee!!!! I tell you freee! No longer shall I be imprisoned in that dog like brain!" What is going on? I look over at the screaming being who is completely ignoring the fact that he is growing a second head, nor the multiple bloody cuts and strangely colored lights dancing around his body. Seeing as they seem to be healing over and being relatively harmless, I can't say that I blame him.
"What are you talking about?" Asks Deritine from where he is shakily regaining his feet.
The new person glances behind him, "Oh it was a dog, funny that."
"I am NOT a dog." Deritine huffs. I look more closely at this new person with my strangely focusing eyes. It seems to be a male, wearing sleeping wear consisting of a blue long-sleeved shirt, and American flag pants. The flags are arranged in a very curious pattern, vaguely reminiscent of swastikas. I look up to the remaining head and a shock of recognition sweeps through me.
"Pirhanis?" I ask, incredulous. He turns, bending to see me around the Death Eaters who continue to cast all manner of dark spells his way.
"Aimry! What's up?" He gathers some of the spells in his hand, pensively. There seem to be an overabundance of red. He picks out a red stand and examines it. "Is it Valentine's day or something?"
"Er… no."
"Hey, that guy looks an awful lot like Voldemort." A chorus of 'you-dare-to-speak-the-dark-lord's-name's ensues. "And this looks an awful lot like a Death Eater meeting." He tosses the stun over his shoulder, knocking out a random Death Eater. The rest regroup in a defensive huddle. Pirhanis comes over to me and grabs my left arm. He twists it over to see the red outline of the Dark Mark. "I told you that would come back to bite you on the ass."
"It was in marker!" I protest huffily.
"It's the symbol that counts." He shakes his head. "Giving yourself over to the Dark side, seriously Aimry." I frown. I was wearing long sleeves… I look down to a cartoon cow in a jungle; caption 'Common Cow in search of the Illusive Greener Pastures.'
"What happened to my other clothes?" I ask rhetorically. I change to pants instead of the Groovy Scooby boxers and materialize a bra- though the stripes match no better, at least I don't feel half naked anymore. "Whatever." The Death Eaters seem to have reached some plan, for they advance determinedly. I wonder what new things they have thought to do to us. Pirhanis obviously still thinks that he is dreaming, and if I am correct, none of us can die…
"Hey, Aimry? If your cousin came out of my skull, what came out of yours?" Deritine pauses. "That's a little random…"
From the distance we hear the beginnings of perhaps the best song ever sung.
Total slaughter…
Total slaughter…
I won't leave a single man
Alive
La-di-da-di-die
Genocide
La-di-da-de-dud
An ocean of blood
Let's begin the killing
Time…
"God, what horrible lyrics." Says Lucious. Pirhanis and I snort. Too perfect.
"What is this, a song fic crossover?" asks Pirhanis. A soft sound comes from the trees, barely distinguishable except that I know what it is. Well, I know the lyrics anyway.
Yeah, bringing you another disturbing creation
From the mind of one sick animal who can't tell the difference
And gets stupefied
All the Death Eaters are looking around for the source of the sound, as am Deritine, Pirhanis and I.
I've been waiting my whole life for just one hyaak
And all I needed was just one haaak
How can you say that you don't give a faaak
I find myself stupefied, coming back again
All I wanted was just one hyuuk
One tiny little innocent fyaak
And when I feel like I'm shit out of laaayck
I find my stupefied, coming back again
A brief pause is followed by a teh-tha-ta comes from all around us before the song resumes, skipping most of the middle and becoming much louder.
Look in my face, stare in my soul
I begin to stupefy. Raaak!
All the Death Eaters dive for cover, looking around wildly.
Look in my face, stare in my soul
I begin to stupefy. Ryaak!
From their positions behind trees, bushes and other miscellaneous cover items the Death Eaters, panicking, scan the area entirely devoid of anything to hit.
Look in my face, stare in my soul
I begin to stupefy. Hyaak!
They all flinch. One faints away at the pervasive drum beat and very Disturbed noises coming seemingly from all around. I note that his hand is silvery.
Look in my face, stare in my soul
I begin to stupefy. Hratt!
At this last, a large goat saunters out of the forest, from a direction that nobody had been looking at in particular. It is about the size of a pony, with long dark hair and an impressive curling set of horns. Its mouth is wide open as it continues to sing:
Look in my face, stare in my soul
Look in my face, stare in my soul
Look in my face, stare in my soul
Look in my face! Todagebizae!
Look in my face! Todagebizae!
Look in my face! Todagebizae!
I begin to stupefy! Fyauk!
With that it closes its mouth. Voldie and crew look at it in disbelief. It does not take them long to come out of the daze and begin to fire off all manner of curses at the immense goat. It's coat turns all manner of interesting colors in the light, but not steadily enough for me to confirm my suspicions. It looks upward briefly, during which a whii-eeer-izzz noise can be heard. It looks back at the hexing mob and opens its mouth:
Te Fa Ched
Te Fa Ched
And don't deny me
No baby now don't deny me
And darlin' it'll be okay…
Looking at me and the other two as it sings the last, somehow able to get the creepy guitar and the middle-eastern accent though its goat lips. "I don't know that they know Hebrew…" Deritine mutters. "But I have no idea what they have to be afraid about."
"This is a really weird dream." Pirhanis whispers to me. "First I get trapped in a dog's brain, and now Stupefied keeps playing, except a goat is singing it. I don't even know the lyrics that well. But why's it all skipping around?" I shake my head.
Voldemort apparently has had enough. He whips out his wand "Avad-" Snape grabs Voldie's arm.
"Do not hit it with the killing curse! It is undoubtedly one of the same…"
"You dare to touch me?" hisses Voldemort.
"Uh, Snape." I raise my hand. Reflex. He doesn't pay attention.
"We do not desire any more of these…"
"You DARE!" Voldemort is turning his wand on Severus.
"Snape!" I whisper urgently. He seems to have snapped.
"They keep coming, they find you wherever you go, tormenting every facet of your life, and they hold nothing sacred…"
Voldemort flings Snape off him with considerably more strength than one would have thought his emaciated frame could hold, sending him skidding on the ground. I feel my stomach drop out from under my and be replaced my poison. Voldemort casts it before I can even think. Snape goes limp as the green light pierces him. "No!" I scream, leaping at Voldemort, feeling myself turning long and deadly lean, opening my newly long teeth. Behind my haze of hate I hear a brief snatch of lyric 'I cry/When angels deserve to die.' I miss him by milliseconds, he disapparates right beneath my claws.