A/N:
How long has it been since I updated this load of monkey's poop?
How long has it been since I updated any monkey's poop?
AGES.
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I found out today that random objects in the house are very arousing.
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It's kinda shocking this they've been here…
And I never knew!
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"What are you babbling about?"
"Have a sausage, Ren!"
"…Thanks"
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Sausages, cucumbers, handles, rolling pins, zucchinis, bananas.
You name it and I can use it when Kyo, Yuki and Shigure aren't home.
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"Spatula's."
"Hatori, you're making no sense! What are you talking about! Blah, blah, blah!"
"You told me to name things,"
"…Die."
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Hatori has a fetish for spatula's.
Boo him.
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"Maybe you should tone it down a little bit, Miss Honda. You're starting to freak everyone in the house out with your continuous asking for boxer shorts, your refusal to speak and you toilet runs every five minutes,"
"Uh, Yuki? I think you're talking about Kisa,"
"…(run)"
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Kisa looks nothing like me, does she?
I think I look more like Hatori.
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"I think Kureno,"
"Yeah Kyo? Well Yuki thinks Hatori!"
"Yeah Tohru? Well I got more reviews than you! (runs for life)"
"…What the hell,"
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"Miss Honda, I don't think that stupid cat will ever let down the fact he got more reviews than me, you and Haru."
"Haru only has 2 chapters though. Your series is finished."
"…(run)"
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Yuki sure has been doing a lot of running lately.
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Hey! It's Momiji!
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"Come over here Momiji!"
"What is it?"
"Can I please record you moaning?"
"Why?"
"I want to set it as my voice mail."
"Okay! Sugar time!"
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The Mighty Authoress is currently missed like Momiji misses sugar.
And the person missing her is being missed more than Akito and her missing of cocaine.
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"Shutup, Raunchy Authoress!"
"THAT AINT MY NAME! (runs for life)"
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Anyway… I need to get someone to ring me.
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How?
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"You could put posters up on the street,"
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An idea! I just had an idea!
I'll put posters up on the street!
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"Excuse me? I said it,"
"Go away Akito."
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Wanna know what the posters said?
TOO BAD.
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j00 w4lT s3ck5?
C4ll d15 Num63R B444BY!1!1!11!eleven!1!
79274122947308365389.
Or, type in 'Yukis Ass Is Fat Oh Yeah' on your mobile.
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Yuki wasn't impressed.
But everyone else was.
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And that's what matters.
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"Tohru, didn't you want people to hear your voice mail?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Then stop answering the damn phone! I wanna hear Momiji moan!"
"You sound so desperate Haru. Please stop."
"…(drops phone and runs because he was really Yuki)"
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So my friend bought me a book.
It was called,
"7 Ways To Essentially Be A Proactive Teenage Girl"
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I laughed at her.
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"You boob. As if I would ever read this,"
"Well… what would you prefer?"
"How about I buy you a book. Then you'll know what to get me!"
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It was called,
"7 Raunchy Ways To Essentially Be A Slutty, Preppy, Teenage Girl"
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She enjoyed reading it.
Because… SHE WAS AKITO.
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"Shh! I told you not to tell,"
"I thought they deserved to know. No sense in keeping them on edge,"
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Ah… that Banana really feels nice.
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C a P s H u R t P o O r N o O b S.
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"Then why don't you use all caps, to hurt them even more?"
"I guess I like the idea of using a capital, then giving them lower case."
"…"
"Makes them think I've stopped when I haven't. Just like when I stab innocent bystanders for no real reason."
"…"
"(stabby rip stab stab)"
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Kyo assaulted me for using his favourite song in vain.
So I whore slapped him.
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Then Yuki assaulted me for whore slapping his whore.
So he bitch slapped me.
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Then Akito got bored and decided to order some group sex.
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"Sounds like you had an interesting day,"
"Yep,"
"Well, guess what I did today! I downloaded more songs for my iPod, did a little dance, wrote about you being a lap dancer, blah blah blah…"
"GO AWAY AUTHORESS GIRL!"
"Don't make me leave you with Angel-san and Hiro for the day!"
"…(runs like Yuki)"
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"Hello. You have reached Tohru's voice mail. I'm too busy having sex right now to answer your call. Listen to him moan (insert Momiji moan here). See? Now, unless you want to have sex, please hang up. If you're Akito, dial 387585759493734754845 in that order within a second. Buh bye!"
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BEEP
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"Hey Tohru. Umm… weird voice mail there. It's Uo, if you're wondering. Let's have some lunch tomorrow. Hana says you're getting pervier by the moment. We need to talk about this! Maybe even have some kinky lesbian sex… (click)"
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Everything is going to plan!
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BWAAAAHAAAA!
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"I thought Hatori told you not to laugh like that anymore,"
"He did,"
"…"
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SHOE LACE.
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A/N:
Unusual.
But… voice mail-ish.