Another boring day in the office. I really don't know why I actually keep office hours on the weekend when everyone who lives in this complex knows where I live and they have no problem with coming by anytime day or night to tell me what they need or any problems they may be having, but corporate isn't a very think out side the box kind of company and since all the large complexes have office hours on at least one day of the weekend for a few hours, they expect me to do the exact same thing. At least I can wander around the internet and read the latest stories about Jasper and giggle like a fiend knowing that they are all WRONG! I know where he is, I know what hes been doing and there is no way in hell I am going to spill a word about it.

I know he doesn't sleep a lot. Cant judge him too much there because I don't either. He is pretty quiet, I am sure my kid is much noisier than he ever thought of being. He smokes, a lot, and I am more than suspicious its not all tobacco, but I remind myself its Portland and I am no longer a cop, as long as its not in the apartment and the smell doesn't get too overpowering, then im not going to say anything. Em sure seems to like him as do Carlisle and Ed, in fact, those guys have been thick as thieves ever since he moved in and while I am glad he has made some friends, I get the weird feeling that they are all up to something, Em especially has been odd lately. He's been bossy around me ever since he got to be a teenager and somehow decided that gave him the life wisdom and experience to try and tell me how to dress and behave in order to have a more successful dating life, but now he just acts like everything I do is embarrassing to him.

Empov

Oh man! I thought I had gotten rid of that shirt! "Carlisle, dude! You are going to have to help me out with her. I try to get her to change her ways, suggest new clothes and things she could wear, and she just tells me that when I let her pick out my clothes, she will let me pick out her clothes. I cant go back to the sweater vests and khakis, man! I just cannot do it!" Why are they laughing at me? Its really not funny. The woman dressed me like a short, gay, fashion victim for years until I was finally bigger than her and able to resist being tackled and wrestled into what she thought was an, 'Adorable" sweater. The woman should have really had a daughter, she didn't cut my hair until I was nearly 5, so for a while people thought she DID have a girl. I still cant look at my baby pictures without getting upset. "Do you guys know what she pointed out to me the other day in a store that she thought would look, "Cute" on me? A Vest! Can you believe that shit? What the hell kind of guy wears a vest anymore?" Oh hell…Now I've stepped in it. They are all three looking at me with smirks on their faces.

Cpov

Kids…what the hell do they know? Yes, Bellas style is a little, uh…odd? But its not horrible, though I could see how it could be affecting her social life. Here we are watching the poor woman sitting at her desk in what passes for business attire for her. Its her black jeans, the ones that are just slightly over child sized and still sag off her ass, with brown boots that had seen better days a decade ago and smell like it, along with a blue sweat shirt that is from her days as a firefighter when she was TWENTY! I wish I could still wear clothes from when I was 20, but if I did, Eddie would just swipe them and wear them, but then he would look really good in them…oh wait, back to Bella. Her hair, oh good Lord! Em tells me he caught her with scissors about to go at it again and had to talk her down after it kept getting in her face during the wind we had the other day and she couldn't find her favorite ball cap, (which she has obviously found as its now perched on her head), she has nice hair, but the woman needs some schooling in what to do with it. I don't think she has had a professional hairstyle in over a decade and we wont even talk about makeup or her nails, which are mostly chewed down to the quick. Im pretty sure she shaves her legs and I know she shaves her arm pits because, well, I have to give her shots in her shoulders every few months I would know if she didn't. She's not a total train wreck, she just really doesn't see the point of trying anymore because she thinks no one notices.

Jpov

'Don't hate on vests dude, they are cool and chicks like them, at least they do if you wear them like I do." There, that made the smartassed fucker look like he might be reconsidering a thing or two. Why they hell are they picking on this poor woman? I mean she is pretty damn entertaining to watch as she sits in her office and mutters at her computer. I know she's looking at pictures of me, and that puts quite a snap in the ole boxer briefs to know that even though she thinks I bat for the home team, she still finds me interesting. "Why do you think you need to change how she dresses? What's wrong with it?"

"Uh, dude, if you want her to stay convinced you are into guys, then absolutely nothing because she dresses like a dude, but she needs to start dressing like a chick so she can get some action. She has been alone for too long and I know she wants to meet someone, she's just given up. I've been through her computers history and I know she tried an online dating site a while back, but all she got were a bunch of geezers and weird dork loser types that wouldn't have lasted five minutes with her. I'm tempted to just go in and strip out her entire wardrobe and force her to replace it with some decent clothes."

A light bulb seemed to go on in everyone's brain at the same time, " Lets do that! Lets get all the worst of it and hide it. She will be pissed at me and I will be in the dog house, but in the mean time, we can force her to do something about it." Her boy seemed to be on a roll with the idea, but there was one little thing he was neglecting to consider, women's clothes were expensive, (don't ask me how I knew that, I just do), and with money being snug for them, I didn't want her to be stressed out.

'Uh, excuse me for raining on your parade there, jr., but there is one thing you aren't considering, women's clothes are spendy and wouldn't your mom having to spend money on clothes right before Christmas put a huge amount of stress on her?"

He frowned for a moment but then he grinned really big, "Oh no, I have an ace in the hole with my aunty Rose in Texas. She always sends me a huge check for my birthday and Christmas and instead of spending it on my own selfish needs, I am going to call her and tell her what I am planning and I guarantee she will not only send it early, she will probably send me double, she has been after my mom for years to dress more like a civilized human being." Eddie and Carlisle both piped up and said they would chip in and contribute gift cards to women's stores and even a nicer salon to get her hair done. They decided that since they were contributing the means, I should contribute the ends.

'What the hell do you mean I have to take her shopping? What makes me an expert on women's style and fashion?" Eddie…that fucker, I swear to God I was going to end up drowning him in the pool, he clicked on a couple of links and the next thing I knew we were watching one of my most infamous acting gigs. 'You are the only one of us to ever cross-dress and man, I gotta tell you, you were really damn good at it, wasn't he Em?"

And there they go wrestling on the floor…Carlisle just rolls his eyes and lifts the computer up out of the way and says, 'I will be working doubles for the next few weeks, Eddie and Em are hopeless as you well may know, and if we let her go alone, it will just be the same old thing. If you go with her, you will make her month and you will make sure she at least comes home with something that vaguely resembles something that belongs on a woman, wont you? She really does need some quality social time, she never spends anything on herself, including time. Come on, you do this and I will get your mom off your back by telling her the kind things your are doing for a poor widow woman."

Oh that is such dirty pool, but I was already willing to do it before he sweetened the pot. She needed help, that was plain to see, and considering she had been washing my clothes and feeding me Sunday breakfast for the past couple of weeks, I had to start repaying the favors to the woman or I was never gonna get square with her.

"Ill do it, but I don't think we should throw out her old clothes. I have some things that I know are really special to me and if someone went in and just threw them out, I would never forgive them. How about we just stash them for a little bit and give her time to get used to dressing a little different?"

I knew how it felt to get a pair of jeans to fit just right and all soft and comfy, and I would be pissed as all get out if someone had tossed them out. I tended to wear the same jeans til they pretty much rotted and fell apart at the seams and I had a feeling she was the same way, looking at that sweater.

'Okay, here's the plan, Carlisle? You stay here and keep an eye on her on the video feed. If she looks like she is getting up, you give us a heads up via the phone. We will bag up all her stuff and stash it with you Jasper." Emmett looked really pleased that he had come up with that idea.

"Why at my house? If she finds it, she's going to kill me or think im some kind of pervert."

"Dude, she's seen that video of you and your buddy singing about what you are thinking about when fucking…she knows you are a pervert." Damn! Eddie is pretty good at wrestling, but the element of surprise is on my side. He didn't expect me to jump on his ass and put him in a headlock so I could make him smell my armpit for a bit.

Okay, being in her room to steal all her clothes is officially the weirdest thing I have done in a long damn time. I feel like a weirdo. Em and Eddies giggling is not helping matters very much.

Em starts in the closet with Eddie while I start on her dresser. Of course I would get the delicates, what there are of them. "Uh, Em, does your mom not wear drawers? There are like two pair in here along with one very worn out bra and some socks that are so threadbare that they would be better suited to the trash bin than a woman's drawer.

"Dude, she keeps saying she needs to make a trip to Victoria Secrets, but she always says she's too busy or too broke or she just doesn't see the reason. To tell you the truth, I think she goes commando most of the time."

What? Really? Whoa…that's a thought to digest later on along with the image of the B.O.B and the mostly empty economy sized box of batteries I had just stumbled across in the back of the drawer. Em was right, the woman had to be one of the most sexually frustrated women in Portland.