*Warning* - Some people may find this chapter triggering. You know who you are. Just keep that in mind.

Chapter 9 - Breakdown

"What?! That can't be how it ends! I thought you said I killed him!" an irate voice filled her ears, jarring her from sleep. She blinked slowly, surprised to see sunlight streaming through the windows. She'd only just meant to take a short nap. She rolled over stiffly and turned to look in the back seat. William was clutching her iPod and glaring down at it furiously. Beside him Curtis had a shocked expression on his face.

"You mean if I hadn't done what I did…that's what would have happened?" he sounded disturbed.

"That can't be the ending! They don't explain what happens next!" William ranted, turning on Elsie, "You said I killed him! Where does that happen?" He demanded harshly. Elsie frowned, trying to think past the grogginess clouding her mind. This wasn't what she'd expected to wake up to. They must have stayed up all night watching it.

"That happens in the movie," She muttered, rubbing her eyes.

"Movie? What movie?!"

"There's a movie that comes after the show which sums everything up. I don't own it though," She explained with a sigh. William glared blackly at her for a moment before his gaze returned to the iPod. A moment later a sadistic smirk crept over his face.

"You never mentioned I killed the pipsqueak,"

"Um, well he didn't stay dead so I didn't figure it mattered," Elsie pointed out, trying to ignore how he kept referring to himself as Envy. She was starting to think she'd lost her mind a while ago and these actually were the characters. Not something she cared to consider… Envy was an interesting villain and all but…

"Heh," William scoffed, "So what? I still got the satisfaction of killing him. Why are you looking at me like that?" He gave her a quizzical look. Elsie tried to clear the disturbed expression off her face.

"You really need to stop talking like that…"

"Like what?" he demanded.

"Like you're Envy," Elsie shivered slightly, a chill sinking into her bones. Obviously it had gotten cool overnight…

"I am Envy," He smirked at her, "When are you going to get that through your thick human skull?" Elsie shook her head.

"Why would I want to believe that?" She asked, "I have a distinct memory of him ranting about how he was going to enjoy killing off every human one by one. That's not someone I want to have ran away with!" Maybe there were thousands of rabid fan girls that would kill for a chance to do that. They'd have to forgive her for not attending their funerals. William chuckled darkly.

"But you did," he countered.

"No. I don't believe you," Elsie replied stubbornly, "Besides, if that were true I'd be dead by now."

"As tempting as the idea is, why would we kill off our guide?" William pointed out, the twisted smirk still playing across his lips. Elsie held his gaze for a moment, feeling a strange feeling creeping into her core around the numbness. Dread? She turned away from him, feeling her breath coming a little faster. She stared out the window, jaw tightening as the heavy pain began returning to her chest. This was so unbelievably messed up. The possibility of the two boys in the back seat actually being homunculi gave her goose bumps. As temping as the idea is… Damn. The tone of his voice was disturbing. Why had she agreed to run away with this creep? Oh right, her father… in a choice between Envy and her dad… well Envy would probably win out. Even a crazy guy who was convinced he was Envy was still preferable.

"How much battery life is left on the iPod" She changed the subject, not turning around.

"You really still can't accept it?" He sounded a little incredulous.

"Would it make you happy if I called you by their names?" She asked, the exasperation in her voice hiding the nagging fear that was creeping up on her.

"…That would be a start," he sounded amused. Elsie turned to meet his gaze again, her neutral mask fixed firmly in place until she got a better grip on her emotions.

"Fine then, Envy," The name felt strange on her lips using it to address someone in front of her, "What do you want to do now that you've seen the anime?"
Envy pursed his lips thoughtfully.

"I'd like to see the movie…"

"There's no point, you won't like it," Elsie shook her head, "You both die in it anyway," she noticed Curtis-Wrath flinch slightly. She glanced at him, slightly concerned to see how shaken up he looked.

"Curtis, umm…Wrath, what's wrong?" She asked, frowning slightly.

"I think seeing his arm and leg get ripped off and watching me shapeshift into Sloth freaked him out," Envy replied, tossing the iPod into the backpack and leaning back in his seat. Wrath stared at the floor, looking like he was fighting back tears.

"Envy I don't want to go back there…not if that happens," he whispered. Envy scowled.

"Don't be an idiot. It's not like we'll be going back to the exact same time as we left. At least…I don't think we will…" He trailed off a little uncertainly.

"How exactly are you going to go about getting back?" Elsie asked skeptically.

"I haven't worked that out yet. But I'll figure something out," Envy replied. She suspected he was less confident than he sounded.

Elsie sighed, rubbing her face. Loose strands of hair were slipping out of her bun and falling down her shoulders. She reached up and pulled the elastic out, letting the rest of it down. There was probably smudged makeup on her face too. Not much she could do about that though. There was something really unfair about feeling this tired right after waking up.

"Well in the meantime we should figure out where we're going next," She said, setting her seat back into the normal upright position, "Did you guys get any sleep last night?"

"Well no," Envy replied as if it was obvious. Elsie wilted slightly.

"Fine, well I'll drive today. At least until you've gotten some sleep," she said.

"Where are we going exactly?" Envy raised an eyebrow.

"Out of the country, assuming we can get that far on our tank of gas. I hope we can. We have a better chance of eluding capture if we're across the border," Elsie explained. She glanced at Wrath again and leaned over to rest a hand on his knee. He looked up at her, a mixed expression on his face.

"Hey now, it's all going to be fine one way or another. Don't worry," she tried to reassure him. Damn, she was such a liar. She felt guilty about the bit of assurance that made its way into his expression. At the moment she didn't think they stood a chance of getting away and not being caught. Eventually it would happen, and they'd be dragged back to the ward and she'd have to live with her dad. But she didn't want to burst their bubble. No point in worrying about that till it happened in any case. Trying to ignore the painful sinking feeling in her chest she sat up in her seat.

"How far is the border?" Envy asked. Elsie shrugged.

"I'm not exactly sure… a few hours maybe?" She replied. Once they reached another town she'd have a better idea of how far they'd have to drive.

She opened the door and stepped out of the vehicle. It appeared to be mid-morning and the air was still crisp. A slight wind whispered through the crops in the fields around her, causing her to shiver. She glanced wistfully down the road, wishing she could go for a long walk and have some alone time to clear her head. Unfortunately she doubted Envy would have the patience for that. This would all be so much easier to cope with if she felt a little better. She couldn't even pause to think about the cause of the pain and negativity swirling inside her. She'd completely fall apart and she didn't think she'd have the energy to put herself back together again. Taking a deep breath, she walked around to the other side of the vehicle. Envy opened his door and stepped out beside her.

"Are you sure you're ok to drive?" He asked, frowning. She eyed the dark circles beneath his slightly bloodshot eyes and smirked slightly.

"I'm better off than you. At least I got a night of sleep," She pointed out.

"Well you still look awful," he told her. She blanched.

"Gee, thanks… what, are you worried or something?" she raised an eyebrow. He abruptly scowled.

"I just don't want you getting in an accident and killing us all," he snapped. She raised her hands defensively.

"Alright, you don't have to bite my head off. Look, I'll drive until you've had a chance to sleep for a couple hours. Then if you really want to we can trade off," assuming she didn't prove him right and actually get them into an accident. Her looks weren't lying about how she felt. But she was pretty sure Envy had to be feeling worse after an all-nighter. He attempted to continue scowling but was interrupted by a yawn. He rolled his eyes.

"…alright fine," He muttered, rubbing an eye tiredly, "But just for an hour or two!"

"Alright," Elsie smiled slightly.

Several hours later they were speeding down a two lane highway. There didn't seem to be much traffic on this road. If they kept up like this Elsie guessed they'd be across the border that evening. They'd be getting pretty low on fuel by that point though. She chewed her lip anxiously. Getting fuel would be risky. She hadn't turned on the radio so as not to wake up the boys, but she was sure there would be announcements on the news about their disappearance by now. She glanced in the rear view mirror at Wrath, who was fast asleep leaning against the door. He'd been out like a light since they started driving. Envy had taken a little longer to drift off, but now he looked rather peaceful, snoring softly with his head rolled to the side. Irony of ironies she envied him. She'd been fighting her ever present exhaustion for a while now. But she didn't have the heart to wake him up.

A mix of guilt and slowly growing despair was eating at her. It had launched its attack as soon as both boys were soundly asleep; as soon as she was essentially alone. It always worked that way. Alone time, as much as she craved it, was dangerous. She gripped the steering wheel tighter as another wave pain washed over her. She'd been trying so hard not to think about it but it was impossible to avoid. Her mom was dead. It was all her fault. If she'd just been there to look after her it never would have happened. If she'd been more careful she never would have ended up in the hospital. All of this was her fault. She quivered from the tension of trying to remain silent. A quiet whimper escaped her lips, causing her to lock her jaw and hold her breath. The intensity of the pain made her want to writhe in her seat, or scream and sob and curl into a ball. She knew it would pass. She had to hang in there. Just a few more minutes and surely it would ease up again for a little bit... but when it got this bad every minute was a living hell and seemed to drag on for an eternity.

She stared out desperately at the road, hardly aware of what she was seeing through the haze of misery. Several silent sobs wracked her body, but tears refused to come. At least if she could cry it would release some of the pressure. But no, her body had to torture her like this. She heard Envy stir beside her and grimaced. Dammit, of all the times for him to wake up why now? There wasn't anything he could do to help her so it was better to be alone. She felt pathetic and worthless enough without him seeing her like this.

"…How long was I asleep?" his voice was hoarse from sleep. She couldn't turn to look at him. Heck she couldn't even reply. If she tried she was certain she'd shatter into a million pieces. She was teetering on the edge as it was. "Hey, what's the matter with you?" He demanded, sitting up in his seat with a frown. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel, willing herself to take deeper breaths in an attempt to think past the pain.

"Answer me," His voice was severe and left no room for argument. She turned and glanced at him. He seemed to have mastered the art of looking pissed off and worried at the same time. "What's wrong?" he asked. She felt a flare of bitter amusement. Would it be cliché to say everything? There was no way to explain this to someone who hadn't experienced it. Not in any way that they could truly comprehend. It was way too complicated and painful. She shook her head.

"Nothing," she bit out, focusing her eyes on the road again.

"Bullshit. Pull over," he replied harshly. She hesitated a moment. "Now!" He snapped. She slowed and pulled off to the side of the road, coming to a stop near the edge. She threw the vehicle into park and leaned forward to rest her head on the steering wheel, her arms wrapped around her waist so tightly she was shaking. Now that she had nothing she was forced to focus on, the pain overwhelmed her. Her breath came in short gasps with quiet sobs breaking through sporadically.

"Elsie. Breathe," Envy commanded. He gripped her shoulder and pulled her upright firmly. "I don't get what the hell is going on with you, but you need to breathe," the irritation in his voice cut through some of the fog in her brain. She forced herself to take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. She drew in another one just as another intense wave of pain tore through her. She whimpered, her breathing becoming ragged again. It was too much, she couldn't take this anymore. She felt like something had grasped a hold of her soul and was slowly shredding it into little pieces. She glanced around in wild desperation and spotted a pencil that happened to be lying in the console. She felt oddly detached in a way, as her body seemed to act of its own accord. Without pausing to think it over she snatched it up and stabbed it into her arm. She let out a sharp gasp as the physical pain cut through part of the emotional agony like a bucket of ice water.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Envy cried, snatching the pencil from her grip. She took several shuddering breaths, leaning back against her seat. She could feel the worst of the pain in her chest starting to slowly drain away, leaving her feeling completely empty and spent. Her arm throbbed, but after the waves of emotional pain, physical pain almost felt good. It was certainly an improvement.

"You idiot! What were you thinking?" Envy sounded furious.

"Sorry," She whispered, glancing down at her arm. She froze, seeing a trickle of blood there. In all her past depressions she'd always managed to avoid slipping into self-harm, astoundingly enough. But apparently she'd reached her limit on that front. She swallowed, closing her eyes in defeat. How much farther could she fall, short of following in her mother's footsteps?

"Elsie?" Wrath's voice was filled with anxiety.

"Get out of the car," Envy ordered her, opening his door and stepping out. Numbly she obeyed, climbing out slowly and shutting the door behind her. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him striding purposefully around the vehicle towards her. She stared at the ground, half wondering if he was going to strike her. She probably deserved it. When he reached her he grabbed her arm instead, holding it up to inspect.

"I've always thought humans were self-defeating fools, but this takes the cake," she looked up in surprise at the tone of his voice. Most of the anger had disappeared from it and a perplexed expression had settled on his face. He met her gaze, raising an eyebrow. "I don't understand why you'd intentionally injure yourself."

"Then count yourself lucky," she murmured, glancing away. Humiliation was slowly growing inside her. This wasn't a side of herself she wanted anyone to see... She blinked in surprise when fingers gripped her chin and turned her head back to face him. He stared at her hard for a moment, as if trying to read the answer in her eyes. She shifted uncomfortably under the close scrutiny, resisting the urge to pull her chin out of his grasp. The physical contact combined with the staring was a little unnerving.

Finally he released her, stepping back. He rested a hand on his hip, cocking his head to the side as he seemed to ponder something. The pose was oddly familiar. She stared at him wishing she knew what he was thinking. Then again, maybe she didn't want to know. She wouldn't blame him in the least for wanting to get rid of her at this point. She only kept reinforcing how pathetic she was. Part of it was not being on her meds. For all that they couldn't fix everything, they did at least help. Her jaw tightened. There were people she knew that would avoid her like the plague if they'd witnessed what had just taken place. It was hardly fair; she hadn't asked for any of this. But some people would never understand. It was probably just as well for them.

"So do I have to keep you under 24-7 surveillance now?" He asked abruptly. She frowned slightly. "If you go to pieces every time I leave you alone then that's a problem; especially if I can't trust you to keep from damaging yourself," he pointed out.

"Why does it matter?" she asked numbly.

"I've explained it before dimwit. You're our guide. Until we get home, or get this world cased, we need you to function," He explained carefully, as if talking to an exceptionally slow child. She nodded numbly.

"Right. Well I promise I won't hurt myself again. I didn't…mean for that to happen…" she replied reluctantly, staring at the ground. Envy chuckled slightly, causing her look up in confusion.

"You know, I don't believe you for a second," he told her, sounding dryly amused.

"But I'm serious," she protested, frowning, "I didn't mean too—"

"Exactly," he cut her off, "You weren't thinking. You were blindly acting. Which means if and when you're in that situation again, you're going to react the same way," he said bluntly. She snapped her jaw shut. She didn't want to admit that he was probably right. If she lost control again… there were worse things she could do than jab a pencil into her arm... Damn. It was a strange feeling being afraid of yourself... Of what you might do under the influence of a chemically imbalanced mental state.

"From now on I drive. You give me directions, but you aren't driving anymore. Got it?" He asked seriously. She nodded. He opened the door to get into the vehicle.

"I'm sorry," she said abruptly. He stopped, turning to frown at her.

"For what?" he asked, puzzled.

"For being so useless," she muttered, turning away to head to the other side of the vehicle. If she couldn't even drive a car without falling to pieces, what good was she? He reached out and grabbed her wrist firmly, stopping her. She turned back questioningly.

"Quit feeling sorry for yourself," He snapped, glaring at her sternly. She blinked in surprise. "It's a pathetic waste of energy. If you're that bothered by it then focus on actually being useful. Understood?" He demanded. She nodded slowly, a little taken aback. He seemed exasperated but satisfied. Shaking his head he released her, climbing into the vehicle and shutting the door. She stared straight ahead for a moment, processing those words. They felt like a slap. But she unwillingly had to admit he had a point. She shook her head, making her way around the vehicle to the passenger side. He wasn't reacting the way she'd expected him to. Or they way anyone had usually reacted for that matter. It was…disconcerting. She didn't quite know what to make of it.

-Author's Note-

Empathy: Not Envy's strong suite.

Envy's reaction to watching FMA mirrored my own. I mean come on! Talk about a crappy ending to an awesome show. Conqueror of Shamballa only partly made up for it and they killed off my favorite character (Wrath). Oh...did I mention there were spoilers in this story? *sweatdrop* I always kinda figured that was a given when reading fanfiction so I never remember to warn people about them.

Can you tell I was depressed when I wrote this chapter? x'D Anyway, I promise the depressing stuff wont last forever. You get a reprieve next chapter! Along with some exciting stuff! So hang in there lol.