"There are two kinds of secrets. The ones we keep from others and the ones we keep from ourselves." ― Frank Warren

The next morning, the air was still throughout the house as JJ woke up, as if the air still held all the tension from last night and the frightened anticipation of seeing Spencer. As JJ showered, the water nearly hot enough to scald her skin, she beat herself up for not trying as hard as she could've to make it down and see him, see the team. All they got was a call once and a while because she was so busy trying to keep Derek and Sarah a secret for her own benefit. And all she had managed to do was alienate her family. They were out getting hurt and shot at while the only shots she were seeing was questions from the press.

Finally, once JJ was out of the shower and dressed, she got Sarah settled in her carrier and walked down the hall to where Derek was waiting. As he heard her footsteps, he turned to face her, his seemingly permanent sad smile plastered on his face. "Morning JJ." he said softly. Seeing Sarah, it seemed that for a moment, his smile was legitimate as his face lit up.

"You can carry her, if you want." JJ said softly. "She's still asleep, but I'm sure she'll wake up pretty soon." She gently set the carrier down on the table, thankful for the rest for her arms. "I'm not exactly in field shape anymore." she said in response to Derek's worried look.

For a moment, Derek simple stood there and looked at Sarah, like he still had to adjust to the idea that she was really here and that she was really his daughter. "Can I really?" he asked softly, gently stroking Sarah's cheek with his thumb.

"Of course you can, Der." JJ said softly, unable to keep the old nickname from slipping in naturally. "She's as much your daughter as she is mine, and that's not something that's going to change." In that brief second, as Derek turned to look at her, she could've sworn that there was something more than just lust in his eyes.

"Alright. We should probably get going." Derek said, gently picking up Sarah's carrier as if it weighed nothing. "Do you wanna drive or should I?"

"I don't know which hospital, so you should drive." JJ said quietly, her sense of dread once again returning to her chest at the thought of seeing the closest thing to a younger brother she had lying on a hospital bed, pale and broken, all because she wasn't there to keep him from making reckless choices. She had helped Spencer quit the Dilaudid, helped him when his mom was having bad days, and yet the one time he needed her the most she wasn't there.

The drive was awkwardly silent, as JJ couldn't find it in herself to do anything more than just look out the window and wonder about what would've happened if she had stayed. Maybe then Spencer wouldn't have been hurt, she wouldn't have to tell the team about Sarah and about her affair with Derek, and maybe they would still be a family. JJ buried her head in her hands, frustrated with the mistakes she had made.

"It's not your fault, JJ." Derek said softly, reaching across to rest his free hand on her back. "You didn't leave by choice. They went over your head to take you from us. What happened to Spencer is not your fault. He didn't restart with Dilaudid, he just made a bad choice. We all have."

"He wouldn't have made that choice if I was there, Derek." JJ said quietly. "I've always kept him from making bad decisions, or helped him through them. If I had been there, this wouldn't have happened." As the traffic started to move forward again, Derek removed his hand from her back, placing it on the wheel.

"JJ. Don't beat yourself up about it." Derek said softly. "Spencer would hate to see you like this, and you know that. He'd tell you the exact same thing I am, except with some weird fact about how much people blame themselves."

"Okay." JJ said quietly, watching as the SUV pulled up into the hospital parking. In what seemed like a blink of an eye, they were standing in the elevator up to the ICU. And as they walked down the hall, it seemed to stretch on forever, a never-ending list of people that would never see their family again.

And then there he was, his lanky frame spread across the hospital bed, his normally restless hands almost painfully still. His boyband haircut had grown back out into the long curls JJ knew so well, the curls that rested around his head like a halo. He was pale, and the room seemed deathly quiet despite all of the machines that measured every measurable sign that might mean he was still clinging to life.

"Oh Spence." JJ choked out, sinking into the chair next to him. "Spence, I'm so sorry. I'm back now, okay? It's me, JJ. I'm back to stay, and I'm not leaving again." She couldn't fight the tears in her eyes, just like she couldn't fight the foolish hope that somehow she would start to cry and he would just miraculously wake up and be okay again. "Spence, please wake up. Please." As the sobs started to shake her shoulders, she reached out blindly and grabbed his hand, hoping that there would be even the tiniest squeeze. But his hands, the hands that used to do magic tricks and write crazy equations, simply laid there, cold and still.

"I have a daughter now, Spence." JJ whispered, barely able to talk through the tears staining her cheeks. "She's almost three months old." A hiccuping sob took her a moment to recover from as she looked down at Sarah. "She's Derek's. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you guys, Spence, you guys deserved to know about everything. Me and Derek, Sarah, all of it." She laid her head down on the side of the bed, sobbing so hard so was no longer able to speak. She felt Derek gently rest his hand on her back once more, rubbing just enough to let her know that he was there.

"Please wake up, Spence." JJ choked out. "It's not the same without you." And then she succumbed to the sobs once more.