Read Between The Lines, Chapter 8 Part 2
I don't own Durarara!/DRRR!
Has any one seen the Durarara! AMV Trouble? That song is now stuck in my head. By the way, it's a head canon that Izaya can draw well, but sees nothing special about it, but that heacanon will play a small part in this story, so I hope you don't mind?
- 3 -
Even though he had ultimately decided to figure things out on his own, it still didn't stop him from growing even more frustrated with the lack of satisfying answers and asking "why" more times than he could account for, but he refrained himself from ever asking another person for 'advice', and nor would he take their words to heart, because he'd feel even more pathetic asking someone instead of figuring it on his own as he always was supposed to. Hell, he didn't even know where to start to understand himself, and if he couldn't grasp, much less fill, that blasted void in his heart, nobody could, so there was no point in even trying to do either, and that was probably another reason there a such a 'high' when he was around other people, but also a sense of envy that only continued to grow.
He had never thought much of being left out and relatively unnoticed until these most recent years. It was actually kind of ironic to himself. It wasn't as though he was particularly loved or hated, but he would have thought that he would have been noticed more in elementary school even.
Maybe it was because he was so quiet at times that people had referred to him as a bit an alien, but nobody in his classes ever felt inclined to strike up a conversation with him, unless they were looking for him or actually happened notice him and just so felt like they didn't want to eat alone. More or less, he knew that they all just wanted him there to boost their self images. Sure, there was one young girl who had approached him back in Raijin Shougakkou, but she had been a bit of a mystery to even himself. Sadly, he had only known her a few days before she had moved away, just like there had probably been two other students who actually treated him with kindness but also had to transfer to another city due to 'circumstances'. However, wasn't hurt because he knew they were leaving when he met them, so he wouldn't have, and couldn't have, let himself grow attached.
If anything, he was amused by the attention he received from the ones he did receive it from, though, especially when they would fight over him and stuff. He had never thought to actually take it seriously because he still knew, all too much, that it was not him they were actually looking at, but just his popularity and reputations, because, on the exception of his classmates in his class, he rarely ever saw any of them again. He did wonder that if someone(he felt would be there) had taken his hand when he was a lot younger, would he turned out differently. He had assumed that it was possible, but didn't think much about it. In a way, he was kind of like some self-proclaimed 'shadow' from some anime in that way because of that(((Congrats if you got that reference, btw. I commend you, really. :P))).
However, now, he had started to ponder it, and didn't want to think about it, so he just had to distract himself. He couldn't stand the anxiety and constant questions swarming his head anymore, and, after one false move with a pair of scissors, he suddenly realized he could at least be in control of something. He didn't care what people thought of him anymore, could try to not care about being excluded as a result of his supposed 'apathy', didn't have to worry about expressing himself with words, because now he had one thing he didn't have to emotionally or psychologically understand
- Pain.
And he loved it, because it was always there within reach if he wanted it, he didn't have to understand it, he didn't have to talk to it, it was wordless. He could easily calculate for it. In his life where he hadn't the slightest bit of real control, he felt under control of what he was thinking about and what was going through head. He was finally able to his attention to something else, and away from the things he didn't want to think about, because ha was a coward like that, and avoided the things he didn't want to deal with. He didn't want to think about that, so, just as he could understand the self inflicted pain, as far as he was concerned, it understood him, and he loved it. He was harmlessly able to truly not need to understand at least something for a change, he had been blessed with it even, so he would take advantage of it, and show his appreciation for his first 'best friend' that let him feel just as lucky and 'alive' as everybody else, and would always be there until the day he died.
On the other hand, he wasn't ignorant, but found it stupid, as he knew how frowned upon his actions were, and, by force of habit, and out of subconscious fear of rejection and judgement, hid his cuts the best he could. Fortunately, he also had been doing a little research of his own in cosmetics, to be able to cover his scars from the view of anyone at a distance. Even up close, it would take someone a little bit of effort to realize that there was a bandage there, or if they touched it, especially if water got to it.(((I don't care what you all say. I believe it is possible, especially with skin colored I've done it, just it to experiment before.))
After Shinra had seriously asked him three times about it, he had gotten irritated, and decided that was the best way to do it, but had started wearing long sleeve jackets, just in case someone with an even keener eye than Shinra somehow happened to be looking him over and because he was a perfectionist; it would be distracting when he didn't want it to be, especially to himself in class.
It might have brought him fulfillment, but he also had had plans to make Nakura regret what he had done as long as he lived, and wasn't the type to want to break what he considered promises which was exactly why he had hardly ever made them. There was a fine line between lying and breaking a promise, as far as he was concerned.
If he made a promise and said that he would be somewhere or do something, he felt an ultimate obligation to do so, because he hated the thought of letting their high, albeit troublesome, expectations of him down. He didn't know why, but, even though he didn't 'care' for any specific individual, he still somehow 'feared' people looking down on him, so he had taken off with the same knife Nakura's had used to stab Shinra. He had made sure to keep it as a bit of a 'memento' to remind him of his goal. He had felt so indescribably worked up and out of control back then, felt weak because he hadn't calculated for it, and hadn't been able to think to do anything in time to prevent somebody else he had even somewhat accepted into his life, from protecting himself, whatever Shinra's actual 'motive' just so happened to be.
After all, it was him who started the gambling ring, so why had Shinra just had to interfere? It was indirectly his fault that the first 'friend' he had ever had got stabbed in the first place, because he hadn't known what to do. He had felt so inferior to the situation, and wouldn't dare let Nakura get away with it. Nakura was probably one person he realized truly disgusted him, but whom he would love using and mentally tormenting just as much. Shinra didn't deserve to get stabbed, nor had that ever been in his plans, yet he had went and thrown whatever sense of 'blissful ignorance' he had had in his life before that, even though he knew he was responsible for holding the gambling. Nakura, however, was just as to blame as himself, for he hadn't made him gamble off his parents money.
He, himself, on the other hand was just trying to make money. That's all there was to it. It wasn't as though he had forced or even suggested for anybody to gamble. They had all came there of their own free will, and Nakura had freely choose to steal money from his father without thinking of this consequences before hand. It wasn't his fault people were like that. Hell, if Nakura really needed money, he sure hadn't talked to anybody about it, had he? On the other side, he didn't know the other's parents, nor the situation, so he refused to really judge him to speak of, but he hadn't appreciated being made to feel the way the way he had, so the thought of making him regret it just made him smirk with a sick anticipation.
Hell, he wouldn't dare accept having any more friends from then on. That much was for sure.
"I'm sorry... Orihara-kun... I didn't intend to come in. This door is um... messed up." Shinra said, a few weeks following the 'bullying' incident, after 'accidentally' walking in on Izaya who was changing out of his shirt. He had been outside for a while running and was now drenched in sweat.
"Kishitani-? S-Shit...!" He hissed in pain, as his arm had suddenly got caught on a sharp area of his jacket. He had never imagined it to be possible, but it evidently was, and had just happened to happen to him. "Of course, this WOULD be my luck today, wouldn't it..? Oh well, he already suspected something, anyway, so no use in crying over spilled milk now...! Damn it!"
"Your banda... Orihara-kun, I'll help you." Shinra offered, running up to him. "He has a lot more bandages now. Hmm... Before, I think he only had two..."
"No, I-" before he could even pull away or protest, Shinra reached out and ripped off the bandage not caring when Izaya momentarily wincing in pain. Gazing over the other's arm, however, He smiled shakily at Izaya's sudden silence. They were both immediately glued to the spot, and the raven was not looking up anymore.
"I knew you were hiding something, but I... I'm sorry... I never guessed it was this."
"You seriously didn't have to do that."
"Well, you wouldn't have answered me if I hadn't, ne?"
"Anyway, go ahead and judge me, because I really couldn't care less, Shinra..."
"...Who said anything about judging you for it? It's not like I'd shun for tearing you arm to pieces. I would never do that, to be honest. I really don't care one way or the other about what you do or what you're like as long you don't get in between my-sorry... I just think you don't handle your emotions very good, if you want an honest opinion..."
"Okay? No, I don't handle or understand my emotions well at all! I already know that! I already know all of that, but how do dare you suggest I handle them, instead? Talk it out or write it out? Get real. I'm not good with words like you, and who would ever even want to sit down listen to someone like me, anyway? Find another coping skill? That's completely impossible if everything I do, except for bleeding, is the source of the problem in the first place, after all. You don't understand what your talking about at all, Kishitani Shinra...!" Izaya snapped, glaring at him.
"No, I don't, because I'm not you. It's up to yourself to find a better coping skill, but I wouldn't mind listening..."
"What...? What are you talking about, now?"
"I wouldn't mind reading anything you decide to write, or listening to anything you have to say." Shinra offered, smiling, catching Izaya's sudden attention at that.
"After all, wouldn't it be a real shame if I lost you, my second friend ever~?! Although... I would have just lost a friend is all, ne~? As long as I have my love, I'm fine, but maybe one day you'll fall in love, too, Orihara-kun!" The brunette smiled at the though.
"You're way too blunt..., but... do you really think so?"
"Yeah," Shinra nodded. "I do. You may love humans a lot, but you would love that person even more than anybody else."
"...Actually, when you put it that way, it's impossible. I love all humans the same, no exceptions..."
"Keep thinking that and you're just gonna prove yourself wrong, Orihara-kun~"
"Yeah, whatever you say." the said raven haired boy rolled his eyes, obviously unconvinced.
"Hey, do you mind if I patch that up for you?" Shinra inquired, referring to Izaya's torn up arm.
"Tch, no thanks, Shinra... I can do it myself. I don't need anyone's help... I am a fully capable being, alright?"
"Whatever you say~! See you later then, Orihara-kun~!"
Izaya glared a bit behind him, as he finally left the bathroom.
Present day
"I actually told a teacher about it because he wouldn't listen to my reasoning, but he some how managed to convince all of them otherwise." Shinra sighed, his face red, from being upside down like he had.
[He always has had a way with words, and is actually a really convincing liar...]
"I have to agree with that one, but Orihara-kun says he lies to himself, as well, so maybe he doesn't understand his own emotions very well, or something like that, and possibly even misinterprets them to be something else. That's what I think. He probably also misunderstands them, too."
[That makes sense, I guess... Thank you for being honest with me, Shinra.]
"Well, anything for my beloved Celty, but... you get me down? I feel like.. I'm going to... faint? Plea...se?"
Crash.
[Ah! I'm so sorry! I forgot!]
"...Anything for my beloved... honey Celty..." a perverted expression appeared on the doctor's face, and Celty sighed, briefly stroking him on the top of the head.
[You really are a handful, you know that...?]
"Ah, but that's why Celty loves me, right?"
~ End of Chapter
A/N: Shinra, you masochist... xD
What do you think? I hope it was somewhat fulfilling Shizu-chan should be back next chapter.
Replies to Review:
Lulu: I believe in that Shinra, too. Only problem is keeping him that way.
reedleonn: You really think so? Thanks! I think I fixed some of those errors.
inlovewithshizaya: I'm glad you're still reading! :3
Guest: Izaya is a little messed up in the head, isn't he...? But that's why I love him! Let's hope he does soon, ne~? ^^
Why must Izaya always get blamed for everything, when he is actually just an innocent cinnamon roll? He did nothing wrong at all! ;A;
anon: You think so? I glad that to know wasn't bad ^^ And Shizu-chan should be back next chapter, so stay tuned~ ^^
Optional 'funny' dialogue behind the scene scene, sort of...
"Wait, dude, did Kishitani just go into the bathroom that Orihara is in?!"
"No way! Is he gay? I-"
"Don't even start it! There's no way he can be! I hear him constantly talking about a twisted love for some woman something, so he simply can't be."
"Damn you! Don't ruin my fantasies! They're mine!"
"Ow! That hurt, you fucker!"
"There are so many things wrong with all of you... Why can't you just be mature, and read into the lines a little...? People's fantasies never do cease to amaze me, though, I have to admit..."