This is tears. Thiiiiiiis is tears. It corresponds exactly with Chapter 33 of War of Shadows.
DEATH
Breezepelt.
Petalflight and Kestrelflight said that they hadn't seen him.
X
They were joined by RiverClan first. Sunstrike curled her nose into her tail and gathered her kits close.
Petalflight and Kestrelflight said that they hadn't seen him.
X
Then came ThunderClan. Then came ShadowClan.
Petalflight and Kestrelflight said that they hadn't seen him.
X
The kits shivered when the camp got quiet after two days of rancor and argument.
Sunstrike didn't know if she had it in her to shiver, but she murmured a promise that she would keep them warm.
I love you, and I will protect you, no matter what happens.
They hadn't seen him.
X
Petalflight was her only companion by that point, as Kestrelflight had followed behind the hoards of warriors. Sunstrike had heard, in a hollow and dizzy dream, a call to attack. Two generals led the cry. RiverClan and ShadowClan – Mossytail and Redwillow, according to Petalflight.
Where was WindClan's general?
It had been two days. Two days of waiting, of praying, of wondering what was next, and where Breezepelt had gone with that look of excitement in his eyes. He had seemed so passionate, so excited…Sunstrike worried that Breezepelt had perhaps done something to hurt himself. Maybe he had thought that he was being noble. Maybe he had made a deal.
Had he? Sunstrike's dreams were empty grey hollows, no matter how desperately she prayed for anyone to give her news – at this point, she was practically begging Mapleshade to appear to her. But it was like a switch had flipped, and Sunstrike was no longer of interest to the Dark Forest she-cat. Was that because she had failed to obtain her happy ending? Is that what it was? Had she lost the game? It was like the game had ended without Sunstrike playing it properly. The feeling of the game had hovered in the back of her mind as a constant reminder that there was an evil she-cat laughing at her from on-high, but not even Mapleshade's haunting laughter could perturb her thoughts. What had happened?
She didn't dare leave the kits, but Petalflight wandered into camp after a few minutes and returned shortly.
"They're fighting near the lake," said Petalflight. "You can't tell who is who, really, but there are shadow cats there, too. The battle looks…" She didn't need to finish her sentence.
"Is Breezepelt there?" She knew the answer, but it was worth asking anyways.
"I can't tell," said Petalflight softly. "We'll have to see what happens."
"What will happen, if we win?" said Sunstrike. Petalflight ran her tail down Sunstrike's flank.
"We'll be free of this horrible, horrible curse," said Petalflight. "The shadow warriors won't bother you or your kits again. WindClan will go back to being a proper Clan, and I daresay we'll be a stronger Clan because of what has happened."
"And what about…what about him?"
"I couldn't say," said Petalflight. "It's for Onestar to decide."
"It's for the Clan to decide," said Sunstrike. "I'm part of the Clan, too, right?"
"Yes," said Petalflight.
"You would vote for Breezepelt to return, wouldn't you?"
"Sunstrike, that's a complicated question…"
"Wouldn't you?"
X
There was still howling from the lake. Petalflight reported that she could still see fighting, but there was a lot more darkness on the ground. Hopefully that meant that the Clans were winning, but she couldn't be sure.
"What will happen if the shadows win?" Sunstrike asked.
"I don't know. Tigerstar and his horrible, horrible forces will come here. They'll kick out any cat they deem 'unworthy.'"
"What does that mean?"
"Cats that aren't exactly what Tigerstar wants the Clans to be. Cats without full warrior blood, cats with mixed Clan blood, cats who don't give in to his vision."
"What about him?"
"I don't know, really," said Petalflight. "It depends on what Tigerstar thinks of you."
"I have no father. I don't think Tigerstar would think too highly of me."
A pause. Petalflight sighed.
"Sunstrike, I don't think all of this moping is good for you or the kits."
"He was right."
"Sunstrike…"
"I guess there really is no way out. I guess he has no time left."
Sunstrike tugged her kits closer at this realization, wondering how much time was really left in Breezepelt's story, or hers, for that matter. The future that she would have was beginning to sink in – the loneliness, the prospect of raising these two beautiful kits alone, the idea of telling them about their father. It was a future that could have held true on only one of two tracks. She would be dead in hours if the Clans lost. She would be alone if the Clans won.
I love you, and I will protect you, no matter what happens.
What was he doing, out there? Had he run away? Had he thrown himself into battle for Onestar and the Clans after all, or was he still battling for the wrong side for the wrong reasons? Was he seizing upon the vengeance and anger that had been growing inside him, or was he still as torn apart as he had been when their kit had died in his paws?
He had called these kits his future, and Sunstrike supposed that they were her future as well. Against her belly, they squirmed, and the tom made a noise so soft and worried that Sunstrike wondered if Petalflight was right, and if her emotions were bleeding over to her kits. Smiling just for the sake of smiling, Sunstrike gathered them close and licked them each gently to warm them.
"Don't worry, little ones," she said. "I love you, and I will protect you, no matter what happens."
X
"You'll regret all of this one day," said Jayfeather. Breezepelt stood above him, his claws digging into Jayfeather's shoulders, seeing Jayfeather stare up at him as if the medicine cat could actually see. He was heartbeats away from stripping his half-brother from his life. And Jayfeather decided to speak on regret?
"Regret?" spat Breezepelt. "You don't know what regret feels like."
"When you go back to your family, and they all turn you away," spat Jayfeather. "Then you'll know. Then you'll know what it is to hate yourself so violently you –"
"I have no family!"
"That's not what Kestrelflight says," said Jayfeather. Breezepelt froze. Sunstrike… "Kestrelflight says he delivered your kits a sunrise ago."
Sunstrike…For a moment Breezepelt could think only on Sunstrike – her laugh, her happy smile, the way she always managed to trip over her paws, how excitedly furious she would get when he said something self-defeating. Suddenly he was falling back, and Jayfeather's claws dug into him. The picture removed itself from his head, and Breezepelt struggled to stand, but then Jayfeather pinned him with more strength than Breezepelt had expected. A paw with sheathed claws pressed into Breezepelt's throat, and Breezepelt gasped for air, feeling his system give out with the sudden lack of proper air.
"I'll kill you," said Jayfeather, trembling with rage. "You've caused far too much hurt in this world."
"Then do it," wheezed Breezepelt. He struggled, trying to free his airway a little more. "Do it!"
"All those times you caused misery for everyone around you," Jayfeather said, his voice steady. "You attacked Poppyfrost and I for no reason! You turned your own Clan-mates against your leader and killed those that resisted! You've murdered cat after cat, and it's time it stopped."
He was wrong.
It needed to stop a long time ago. Before any of this. This had been his only thought when he had marched to the lake and stared out at its waters, wondering why he didn't just pitch himself in and let it drag him under.
"And now I sit here under your judgment," said Breezepelt. "I'm not afraid of death, Jayfeather. I welcome it."
"What?" The medicine cat relaxed. No! The end was so near Breezepelt could taste it. Breezepelt locked his paws around Jayfeather's forepaw, the one pressing down on Breezepelt's throat.
"I've lived in regret my entire life," he said, his words suddenly more honest than he had ever been with himself. "All the good things I've ever found have been taken away from me by my own stupid mistakes. And for once…for once if I can do the right thing…"
His voice wavered as he said this. The right thing. The right thing for Sunstrike and his kits was this. Jayfeather hissed.
"I'm being serious," said Breezepelt, his claws digging into Jayfeather's. "Jayfeather. If you think I should die, and I think I should die, then why don't I just die?"
It was the first time in a long time that Breezepelt had ever used Jayfeather's name. For a while it had just been hateful thoughts, but now…now Jayfeather could save him.
"Do it, Jayfeather," said Breezepelt in a soft voice. "I joined him because I thought you and your brother were better than me, and all along I thought I was proving the entire world wrong…but I've been proving them right all along." He shivered, but his deep breath was accompanied with him closing his eyes. "Tell Sunstrike…I…"
Jayfeather stared into his face, and then he closed his eyes and reached out with the power he alone had. Breezepelt realized what this was. It was the final moment. The last heartbeats he would ever have, the last uneasy breaths he would have. He felt Jayfeather here, near him as if they had connected minds.
A sharp prick of pain, and he was falling.
The two brothers tumbled through empty space together. Jayfeather was still holding on somehow, but Breezepelt felt liberated. The pain vanished as if it had never come.
He opened his eyes, and he and Jayfeather stood facing each other on a plain of swirling grey and white. Breezepelt looked around him, at the grey-and-white world that blew around him. It wasn't StarClan, but it wasn't the Dark Forest either. He felt as if he was caught in the middle – to be punished for the crimes he had committed and his dangerous final deal, but to be liberated from the choking darkness of the Place of No Stars. He found himself laughing. It was so much better than he had imagined.
"Where is this place?" said Jayfeather, breaking Breezepelt's attention away from his odd surroundings.
"I don't know," said Breezepelt. He turned in a circle. "My punishment, I suppose."
"I don't understand," said Jayfeather.
"You don't have to," said Breezepelt coldly. This was his burden to bear, his end of the fatal deal. If only Sunstrike knew…Suddenly, he had an idea and spun around, facing Jayfeather. The medicine cat looked bewildered, but he was here. Breezepelt didn't exactly understand why, but it somehow felt as if Jayfeather was caught in the burden with him. "Will you do something for me?"
"What do you mean?" Jayfeather looked confused.
"I mean that you didn't have to follow me," said Breezepelt. "This is my burden to bear, not yours. My deal. My game." He laughed bitterly. It was forever. But it would be worth it.
"What are you talking about?" said Jayfeather in a low voice. The medicine cat observed him warily. Breezepelt felt somehow so calm. He thought he would be afraid, because he had always been afraid. Afraid of everything. Now? Now he knew that because of this, because of his punishment, Sunstrike and their kits would be safe. They wouldn't have to handle his influence anymore.
"I doubt you'll ever see me again," said Breezepelt. "I won't walk in the Place of No Stars, but I won't walk in StarClan either." He looked at the grey-and-white fuzz at his feet, above his head, on all sides of them. "Look at me, Jayfeather. I'm doing something good."
"Breezepelt, what's going on?" Jayfeather said again, looking stricken.
"Will you speak to Sunstrike for me?" he said. Jayfeather was stunned into silence, and Breezepelt felt a surge of desperation. He could imagine her back in the nursery, sheltering her kits with her tail as they delivered the news to her. She would cry. She was always crying. But she had to know…she had to believe that her future, even one where they were separated, would be okay.
"I need you to tell her that I'm alright," said Breezepelt with desperation. "I need you to tell her I love her more than anything else, more than myself. I need you to tell her that I love our kits, too, and that they're beautiful. I was never meant to be a father." No, and his one kit had died between his paws.
"You are a father now," said Jayfeather forcefully.
"I'm dead now," corrected Breezepelt. That, at least, he knew to be true. "But I'll…I'll be alright." He tried to manage a smile, but it just came out wrong. The thought of Jayfeather leaving had given way to fear. Fear that he was used to, of the unknown, for himself. No! This was being noble. "But can you just…can you just tell her that she doesn't need to ever worry again? She'll never have to walk in darkness, and the kits will be safe. They'll all be safe. They don't ever need to be involved again." And Mapleshade wouldn't take out her rage on Sunstrike, and the kits would never have to worry about prophecies or anything supernatural. The Place of No Stars couldn't bother her anymore. "Will you tell her?"
"I…" Jayfeather nodded hollowly. "What have you done?"
"I'm protecting her," said Breezepelt. "And I'll be fine." If Sunstrike would be safe, he would walk forever in this place that Mapleshade had told him to walk. He would do it for their little broken family. So they never had to know fear like he did. So his son wouldn't hate himself, so his daughter wouldn't cry.
"What is this place?" asked Jayfeather, looking around.
"I don't know," said Breezepelt with a shrug. "I'll walk until I find something."
"Breezepelt!" His name on the medicine cat's tongue sounded foreign. Kind of like Jayfeather was actually a brother that had loved him.
"Jayfeather." Breezepelt stared at him, and Jayfeather stared back. They stood across from each other as if staring into the river at their own reflections, except that the water was rippling and messing up the picture. The warrior lost to darkness and the medicine cat who was supposed to be upholding it. Breezepelt couldn't even summon up a feeling of hate for the medicine cat, not anymore. Maybe Jayfeather was just as lost and shunned as he was: a blind medicine cat born half-blooded, gifted with a razor-sharp tongue. He supposed that Jayfeather, like himself, had pushed everyone away. The only difference was that Jayfeather's mother was Leafpool and Breezepelt's mother was Nightcloud. Apart from that, there was no difference between them.
It was the moment when brother stared at brother and recognized that they were kin. Then they turned in unison, Jayfeather to return to the world of the living, and Breezepelt to wander the grey-and-white shadowy land until he found the forever he had bargained fore. The connection shattered between them.
Breezepelt walked alone. He had made this deal, with Mapleshade, begging her to let Sunstrike out of the binding deal that she had made. He would put himself in her place, and she and their kits would never be involved in anything. Ever. Again.
I love you, Sunstrike, thought Breezepelt. And I love our kits. You are my future. The only future I have left.
Breezepelt walked on, alone.
So there's more context on this last bit with Breezepelt in War of Shadows - Sunstrike is mentioned directly in the Ivypool Chapter (28 or 29, I believe), but as Sunstrike never finds out about any of this, I can't...yeah. So, Breezepelt POV! What did you think? What repercussions will his decision bring? If you read on in the Elemental-verse, Breezepelt may or may not be showing up again...;)
As sad as this was, it was a thrill to write. I love Breezepelt and Sunstrike. I love Petalflight and Jayfeather, too. If you liked this, drop me a review and tell me what you thought.
There is one more chapter-like thing. It's called Forgiveness.
~Elsi