Honesty

Laying together, simply holding each other, Amanda was the first one to speak. "Lee, that was, um, not what I was expecting," she whispered.

Looking down at her, Lee was slightly confused. "Amanda. What… Not what you were expecting?"

Amanda looked up at him, her fingers on his chest moving in slow circles. "I just… I mean…. Last night was wonderful. I wasn't sure if tonight would be the same."

"Amanda, why would you think that? Wearing that? And all this?" Lee just smiled, waving his hand around to emphasis his point. "And wearing that…" he repeated.

"I just thought maybe last night was so good because it was our first night. The anticipation of it, my imagination, I don't know. I didn't expect tonight to just as good," she dropped her eyes to follow her fingers, almost embarrassed to look him in the eye, reminding herself again how sexually inferior she felt.

"Hey," Lee sat up, drawing her up to a sitting position so he could look at her face, "it should always be that good, and if I have any say in it, it will be. Or better. Amanda, I'm no expert in love, I'll admit that, but I do know I love you and I will show you with everything I have and everything I am."

Amanda reached up to touch his face, to trace the line of his jaw with her fingers. She hated feeling so inexperienced in this. After all, she was the one who had been married before, shouldn't she understand this feeling better than the Agency playboy in front of her. But yet, this was something completely different. She loved him in ways she couldn't put into words. But, she realized, she did owe him an explanation about her panic over the broken condom. He deserved the truth.

"Lee, I, um, I owe you…" she started.

"Owe me? Amanda, you don't owe me anything. " Lee couldn't understand what she was talking about.

"No, I need to explain. About last night. The broken condom…" Amanda was having a hard time making eye contact again.

"A-man-da, I told you, we will figure it out. Hey, together, we will wait this out. Don't worry," he flashed his dimpled smile at her. He didn't want anything to dampen the mood for the rest of the night.

"Lee, I know, together, but I need you to understand why I panicked." Amanda hated when he tried to ignore conversations.

"Ok, ok, I'll bite. Why did you panic last night over the broken condom?" Lee almost rolled his eyes but thought better of it.

"Did you ever wonder why I went to college, only to get married right after? And why Joe continued his law degree and we had Phillip so soon?" Amanda began.

"I just thought it was one of those things. You know, young love, get married, Joe wanted to be the man to provide for the family, wife stays home, takes care of the kiddos," Lee answered nonchalantly.

"Joe? The man to…" Amanda lightly punched his arm. "He wanted to save the world, not stay home and take care of his family. Our original plan, before we got married, was I would get a job as an English teacher and he would complete his law degree. Then he was going to get a job at a local law firm to gain some experience before moving on to International Law."

"So what happened? What changed the grand plan?" Lee had an inkling he knew but wanted to hear her tell him.

"Well, about 2 weeks before we got married, we had gone to a graduation party for one of Joe's friends. We had a good time, too good I guess. We were both drinking and well I couldn't tell you how we actually made it to my parents house. They were in Vermont, visiting, so Joe suggested we… took advantage of things." Amanda was now looking down at her own hands, almost ashamed about what she was going to tell him.

"Amanda, he didn't…" Lee didn't even want to finish his sentence.

"No, no, he didn't force me to do anything. I mean, we were getting married in 2 weeks so we were practically married right? So I let my guard down and well, one thing led to another and well, after it was over, Joe told me he was sorry. I thought he was sorry about what we had just done, that he regretted us. But then he showed me… the broken condom."

"Oh Amanda…. Phillip…." Lee put his hands on her arms, pulling her close.

"Lee, I never told anyone. Not even Mother. Only Joe and I knew the truth. Good thing Phillip was stubborn and came almost 10 days late. No one even guessed. The timing was close enough. Mother loved the idea of her first grandson being conceived on our honeymoon, if not our wedding night," Amanda said all in one breath. She sighed, "It happened so fast, so easy the first time, I just don't want for us. I want more for us. More time to be together. More time for the boys to get to know you. I don't want you to feel like we have to rush into anything because I'm…." she trailed off again.

"Amanda, oh Amanda. I think we are getting a little ahead of ourselves. Let's think of this as a case. Facts first: We have a broken condom on the floor. Found after it was stepped on," Lee began, trying to appeal to her rational side.

"Right, on the floor, stepped on." Amanda repeated.

"Next we have your cycle. Now is there a possibility that day 13 is NOT the actual day you can get pregnant?"

"Well, if I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Jamie we were told anywhere from the 10th to the 17th day I COULD possibly get pregnant, so I guess, yes, day 13 might not be THE day but it's in the range," Amanda added.

"Ok so no solid proof it broke during our 'activities' and no solid proof day 13 was THE day. If this was a case, what would Billy tell you?" Lee asked.

"Well, he would probably tell me it's all circumstancial evidence and to come back when I had solid proof," she sighed.

"Exactly. So what do we need to do to get solid proof?" Lee questioned again, tilting his head, eyebrow raised.

"Well, in this case, we need to wait an allotted amount of time, without panicking, for any signs," Amanda admitted.

"Right, no panicking, just go on living our lives, working normally until we have confirmation. Call this a lesson in patience," Lee tried to calm her again.

"Lee, I'm not very patient. You, of all people, should know that," Amanda laughed.

"Ok, now let's change this lesson to one in observation, what signs would you look for?" Lee prompted.

Amanda was beginning to feel restless, so she got off the bed to pace. "Well, when I was pregnant with the boys in the very beginning, there was breast tenderness, I was tired all the time, the obvious, I missed my period, oh the nausea. The nausea was horrible for the first few weeks with both of them."

Lee just sat there on her bed, watching, smiling. Amanda continued to pace back in forth at the end of the bed, seemingly unaware she was still wearing nothing but the light green baby doll top. Amanda stopped pacing and looked at him.

"What are you smiling at?" she looked at him, eyebrow raised, trying to figure out what might be going on in his mind.

"You," Lee replied, still smiling.

Amanda just shook her head. "Me? Alright, Scarecrow, spill it!"

"Spill what? Amanda, " Lee started to get off the bed to stand with her. "I was just appreciating how you look, pacing in just this beautiful piece of …." Lee wasn't even sure what he wanted to call it.

Amanda stopped and looked down realizing what he was looking at. A blush crept up her neck and face. She wasn't used to wearing lingerie for anyone and suddenly she felt very exposed. Not sure what she should do, she simply stepped backward, her eyes down, trying not to make direct eye contact.

"Amanda, look at me," Lee put his fingers on her chin, directing her face upward toward his. "You are the most beautiful woman I know," he said, leaning forward to kiss her gently.

Amanda just sighed into his mouth. She wasn't sure what to do now, so she wrapped her arms around Lee's neck and kissed him back.

"Hmmmm," Lee murmurred. "How about we take a break from this and go finish our coffee? And if I remember correctly you mentioned something earlier about chocolate mousse with raspberries?"

"I think we need to get dressed to go back downstairs. Just in case anyone should show up. After all, this is my house and you never know who's just going to drop in," Amanda pointed out.

"You are completely right about that one," Lee shook his head laughing.

They spent the next few minutes finding various pieces of Lee's clothes tossed around the room, laughing each time another one was found. Once dressed, Lee back in his button down shirt and pants, Amanda in her jeans and sweater, with a simple camisole instead of a bra underneath, Lee followed Amanda back down to the kitchen.

Amanda poured them each a new cup of coffee, got the mousse out of the fridge and carried them to the table. Lee grabbed spoons and napkins and sat across from her as he had been during dinner.

"So, tell me why chocolate mousse with raspberries is your favorite dessert," Amanda asked.

"Because of my mother," Lee began….