[Santa's brought a lemony-scent to this chapter...but Edward has some more angst to deal with. I know this is getting very General Hospital now...I hope it's not tiresome. By way of explanation, I just didn't want this to be the kind of story where everything happens but there's no consequences. It's all very sexy for Jasper and Edward to hook up, but I didn't want this to play out in a fantasy land. So I hope and pray I'm not making it too dreary with all the wailing and gnashing of teeth.. Thanks again for all of your warm and kind reviews.]

Chapter 10 – Shine A Light

Edward slid his arms around me and kissed me deeply again, his tongue exploring my mouth passionately. Then he pulled away from the kiss and sighed into my neck.

"What is it?" I kissed the top of his head.

He rested against my shoulder, thinking.

"It seems a little...unhealthy...to do this now. I feel like I'm cheapening what you've shared with me." He didn't raise his head.

I admired his restraint. I doubted that I could be that practical. But he was right. I had to let him know that he wasn't making me do anything. I put my hands on either side of his head and pulled him up to look into his eyes.

"I'm not going to do anything with you that doesn't feel right. Being near you, like this...feels good. It feels...healing. This...here...is all I want from you right now. I'm not going to make you want to cornhole me on the couch if that's what you're worried about."

His eyes grew wide and he pulled away as he laughed out loud.

"Cornhole you? Hahah!!! Jesus, you sure have a way with words."

I flushed with embarrassment. I hadn't quite meant to say it like that. I rubbed my hand through my hair, cursing my stupid brain. Edward put his hands on my chest and kissed me hard on the lips. He smiled.

"Well as long as cornholing is off the list of this evening's planned activities, I guess I'm okay with whatever you have in mind."

I smiled back and our lips met in a long, deep kiss. Edward pulled away momentarily and stretched back on the couch, patting the spot along the edge of the couch for me to lay next to him. We lay, facing each other, and he wrapped his arms around me tightly. The kisses were different now. Warmer...less urgent...but weighed with far more meaning than before. We were sharing something now, and it felt like that knowing, familiar intimacy that I had had with Alice ..but even that felt like a different chapter. This was new. With everything Edward and I knew about each other now, our feelings now radiated through our touch, like we were discovering each other again for the first time. We twined ourselves together on the couch like a wild rose bush as we explored our new selves.

But I made sure to keep the urgency out of my kiss, to let the kiss just be that. Just a kiss.

We kissed each other gently, slowly...until Edward pulled away to look at me.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah?"

"You would tell me if any of this...with me...got weird for you, wouldn't you?"

My eyes searched his face. It seemed like a loaded question.

"Well, yeah. I mean. How weird were you planning to get?" I tried to lighten the mood at little, but he didn't seem to bite.

"I just don't...I don't want you to rush into this. You know? I mean...a week ago you had a girlfriend. This isn't an easy change to make."

His eyes burned into me, searching for any doubt. I knew what he was afraid of. I just didn't know how to tell him that I wasn't that person.

"Hey." I ran my fingers through his hair, and propped myself up on an elbow. "I know I'm a complete x-factor for you. But I want you to know that I'm not dicking around. I wouldn't be here with you if I didn't feel something." He looked at me evenly, waiting for the 'but'. He wouldn't get one. I tangled my fingers into his hair, holding his gaze with mine. "I'm not experimenting on you, Edward. If you can't trust me on anything else, trust me on that. If I'm falling in love with you, or feeling these feelings I have right now, it's because...I am. Just because you're not a girl doesn't mean that the feelings can be switched off any easier. I didn't know I had them in me, but I know them when I feel them...I'm not going to ignore that just to save face. I know what these feelings mean and I'm going to be true to them. I'm not going anywhere, Edward, if that's what's worrying you." I stared into his amber eyes, trying to burn the message into his doubting mind.

He smiled faintly.

"I believe you, Jasper. And I don't want it to seem like I'm asking a commitment from you right now. That's not what this is. I just...I want you to be able to tell me..." He seemed stuck, confused.

I looked at him questioningly.

"Tell you what?"

He frowned in frustration as he searched for the right words.

"To tell me that you're unsure. That you need space or that you're changing your mind. Tell me when you have those thoughts. Please. Don't wait for me to figure it out." His voice had taken on an urgent, pleading quality. I could feel him tightening in my arms, like he was pulling away.

It was obvious that there was a lot more going on here than he was telling me. I sat up, took his hands in mine, and pulled him back up to a sitting position. He wasn't looking at me.

"Edward. Edward." I pulled his face towards mine to meet my gaze. "I'll do these things for you. I will. I can see that it's important to you." His gaze drifted again. I lowered my head and met his eyes, and drew him back up to face me. "But you need to tell me what's going on. If I'm going to be open with you...can you do the same for me?"

He sighed.

"You're probably sick to death of all my baggage by now."

I shook my head and smiled.

"No way. I'd rather wade through a pile of baggage than have you being a total fucking sphinx about everything all the time."

He smirked.

"Sphinx. I like that."

I smirked right back at him.

"Yeah. I know. Now dish." I snapped my fingers a few times.

Edward ran his fingers through his hair, and crossed his legs again. And he began to talk.

"When I realized I was gay, I didn't have any real relationships at first. Mostly one night stands, and encounters at nightclubs, while I tried to figure out how everything worked. For a while I enjoyed not having the emotional attachment, just loving the excitement of being with strangers.

"But it began to drain on me. I was still alone. I was still coming home to an empty apartment, and going home to an empty cabin on the weekends. Everyone around me seemed to have someone but me. Then at a club one night, I met a guy. He was a little older than me, and seemed like some kind of businessman. We hooked up in the back room...and it was way more intense with him that I'd ever had with anyone else. And that was just kissing. When it was time for him to leave he asked for my name and number. I gave it to him, more out shock that he wanted to see me again. Days dragged by, and he hadn't called. Then at 7pm on Friday night, he called and said he wanted to see me again, but he didn't want to go to the club. I told him he could come over to my apartment. I felt a little weird about inviting a stranger to my place, but I figured the walls were thin enough that if anything violent happened the neighbors would call the police. I hoped. So he came over at about 10pm. We fucked--" Edward looked up apologetically.

I shrugged. He continued, if somewhat hestitantly.

"Well...Yeah. And then we talked for a few hours. Then he left. He said he wanted to see me again.

"And next Friday, he came over again, and we fell into this kind of strange routine. We never fucked anywhere but my place. The sex was always very urgent and passionate, and he always pitched, he never caught." Edward caught himself, and looked at me again.

I gave him a rueful smile.

"I'm familiar with the game of baseball. You don't need to explain." But I shook my head a little regardless. America's pastime, turned into sex parlance. Is there nothing sacred?

Edward continued.

"At first I was glad for the company. Mike was funny, and quite intelligent, and seemed to genuinely enjoy my company. But after a few months, I started to get an odd feeling. He never wanted to meet anywhere other than my apartment. Not even the club, or dinner, or anywhere in public. The one time I came up behind him in the shower, I thought he was going to punch me. He was starting to give off a very mixed vibe. But I so enjoyed having someone around, that I tried not to dwell on it, to just enjoy what I got and leave it at that.

"Then one Friday night, one of our regular date nights...he didn't show up. If something ever came up he had always said he'd ring twice and hang up. He hadn't done that, so I really didn't have any idea if he was coming over or not. It got to about midnight and I assumed he wasn't coming over and went to bed.

"2am, the phone rings. I pick up, and a woman is on the other end of the line. Her voice was shrill, and clipped.

"'Who is this?'

"I didn't quite know what to say, so I just said the truth.

"'Edward Cullen. Who am I speaking to?'

"'Why does my husband have your phone number in his wallet?'

"My heart started clanging in my chest as I realized just who this woman was. Mike was married. Jesus Christ he was fucking married. I hung up the phone.

"At 3am the phone rang again. I let it ring. It rang 5 more times that hour til I finally got the nerve to pick up.

"'Hello?'

"'I KNOW WHO YOU ARE EDWARD CULLEN!!! YOU FUCKED MY HUSBAND YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!!! MIKE TOLD ME EVERYTHING AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING EDWARD, YOU PRICK...YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MIKE!! I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU FUCKING QUEERS AND YOUR LITTLE BATHROOM GAMES. HE HAS CHILDREN!!!! DID YOU KNOW THAT BEFORE YOU FUCKING RAPED HIM, YOU COCKSUCKER? DID YOU KNOW THAT? YOU'VE RUINED OUR FUCKING LIFE YOU ASSHOLE!! YOU'VE RUINED OUR LIFE!!" and then it just broke down into sobbing.

"Don't ask me why I stayed on the phone. I don't know. I should have hung up when I heard her voice. But then to hear all of that...shit. I thought I was going to vomit."

Edward put his hands through his hair and brought his knees up to his chin. He rested his forehead there a moment before he continued with the story.

"I sat on the kitchen floor until sometime mid-morning. I decided that I wasn't going to take this lying down, let him lie to his wife like that and somehow be able to just carry on with his life. I was angry at Mike for taking advantage of me, for abusing my trust, and for lying to his own family. I figured he at least owed me an explanation, whether he wanted to see me again or not. So I *69'd my phone to get their number...hanging up before it rang again. Then I went to the campus library and did every reverse phone lookup I could find to get Mike's last name and address. Then I googled Mike's name, and the city. I didn't want to confront him at his home, I wanted to find him where he worked. Turned out he was an insurance broker with a large insurance firm in the city. Perfect.

"So I showed up in the lobby of his building at around noon, dressed in a shirt and pants, so that I wouldn't stand out too much. I figured my 'motorcycle boy' look might be a bit too obvious. And I asked the receptionist to tell Mike that Edward Cullen was here to see him.

"I waited in the lobby. Eventually the elevator pinged and he strode towards me. He was trying very hard to keep his face calm and affable, but I knew him well enough to know that he was pissed. I was glad.

"I stuck my hand out. He grabbed my hand, shook it briefly, and said loudly, 'Hey Edward, great to see you again. How about some lunch?' Then he grabbed my elbow and steered me out to the courtyard alongside the building.

"He came to a stop and wheeled me around. He glanced around to see if anyone was watching, and then said in a shout-whisper,

"'What are you doing here?'

"I smiled.

"'I wanted to get an explanation, Mike. Your wife called and screamed some really interesting things about us to me, really magical stuff, and I was just interested to hear a little more of this wonderful fairy tale you told her.'

"He went pale, but tried to keep his composure. He hurried out an explanation in his low whisper.

"'Look. She's a nurse. She works nights. I had been telling her I was going to Fantasy Football meetings while she was on shift, just with some of the guys from work. Then one night she came home early and saw my car, and she followed me to your house. When I got home, she reamed me, said she had found the phone number in my wallet, and thought I was seeing a chick, that I was having an affair. I convinced her that I wasn't, or I thought I did. Then later I found out she'd called the number. She started up again, asking me why I was going over to a guy's house in the middle of the night. I told her that you were a friend of one of the fantasy football guys, and that you'd asked me over for drinks. And then I just said that you got fresh with me while I was in the bathroom and that I wasn't going to go back again. I guess she found your number when she was doing the laundry. That's it, I swear.'

Edward shook his head, remembering the speech.

"He looked at me as though that was even a satisfactory explanation. Like I'd smile and hug him and tell him nevermind, it was all a big misunderstanding. I stared at him incredulously. I couldn't believe that his wife had even bought his lameass story, but I was more incredulous that he would think I would accept it as an excuse.

"'That's it'? What do you mean, 'that's it.'? Your wife accuses me of raping you, screams at me about how I've ruined your marriage, and that's supposed to be okay with me? You're fucking another man behind your wife's back and you don't think THAT's a bigger problem than the stupid fucking story you told her to cover your ass?"

Mike was sweating now. He kept making furtive glances over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching us. He stepped towards me and grabbed both my shoulders.

"'Edward. Jesus! Would you keep your voice down? Fuck. I'm sorry. Alright? I'm sorry my wife gave you a hard time. I didn't know she'd find your number. But you can't stay here. I can't talk to you now. Look, I'll call you, alright? I promise. We'll sort this out. But you have to go."

"Call me. Oh man that got me pissed. I wanted to punch him so hard.

"'No, Mike. Don't fucking call me. Don't sort anything out. Go home to your wife. And then go get a vasectomy so you don't have any more fucking kids while you're trolling behind her back. But before I leave, just answer me one question. How many more years do you think your wife will take it up the ass from you before she realizes you're as queer as a three dollar bill?'

"I turned on my heel and walked slowly away from him. Then I paused at the front of the building.

"A whole bunch of suits came walking out the door as Mike was about to walk in, waving him a greeting, and calling out their hellos. That's when I walked over, grabbed Mike by the shoulders and kissed him on the mouth.

"Then I left.

"From the look on his face I knew I shouldn't have done it...he was so pale I thought he would faint. But I was so fucking pissed at him for using me the way he did, I wanted to get back at him. I couldn't let him just go on with his life without knowing there were consequences."

Edward paused, and frowned.

"Well, there were consequences all right. He came home from work that night, locked himself in the garage with the car running and gassed himself to death. I know that because his wife called me when she found him, hysterical, screaming at me that I had killed her husband. Apparently Mike had left a note telling her that he couldn't live with his lies anymore. Oh and PS, Tell Edward I'm sorry."

Edward put his head back down on his knees. I could see he was crying. I slid over beside him and put my hand on his back. He put his head up and looked at me.

"See Jasper. That's what I'm trying to tell you. This...what we're doing...it's our lives. Our whole lives. You can't get in and out like you're swimming in a pool. I haven't seriously dated anyone since Mike, because of Mike...and I'm just scared that you'll end up ruining your life for me."

He shook his head.

"I know that sounds vain. I'm a lot of baggage for you to carry, Jasper. You shouldn't have to do this now if it's too much. If you need time, I'll give you time. If you change your mind, you can change your mind. I won't go postal on you, I promise.. I just don't want there to be any secrets."

He looked at me through glassy eyes.

I put my hand in his, and rested my head on his back.

"No secrets."