Thanks for all of the wonderful reviews, everyone! I love reading them, literally my favorite activity! XD Anyway, I stole an idea from Pistachiolover, under her blessing, of course. Haha, anyway enjoy and review! If we get ten or more reviews I'll make the next to chapter 5,000 words... Enjoy and Review!
10
"Raph... How on earth did you get these?" Donatello asks in total disbelief. I flinch as my brothers large fingers trail across my cuts and bruises. Can he not touch them? I like to keep a distant between my cuts and family, thank you very much.
I try to pull my arm away and succeed. I look at my arm for a second, and realize that it looks damp. Like, water was smeared on it. Blue water, it looks like. I shake the thought away and begin to wrap my arm back up, eager to hide my precious secrets from the rest of the world.
"An evil donkey comes into my room every night and cuts my wrists." I say sarcastically. Don gives me a look of annoyance and I roll my eyes. "I obviously cut myself. Surprised you didn't already know, bein' the genius that you are." I say bluntly.
"Ya, well I guess I've just been so caught up in the Kraang and foot that I haven't had time to look." Donatello excuses with a shrug. So, it ain't that important! Clearly not if Don didn't notice. This obviously just meaningless and stupid, somethin' no one should worry about.
Don walks over to his computer and types some most likely useless shit in. He shakes his head slightly, muttering words under his breath by the looks of it. He looks confused and puzzled.
"Good, can I go eat now?" I ask. My stomach growls, right on qui. Donatello shakes his head a little stronger and walks back over to me. "No, I still need to run some alcohol tests, just to be sure there's none left in your system." My brother grabs a small thermometer like tool and turns it on. He stares up at me as he waits for it to load up.
"So, tell me, Raphael, what drove you to cut yourself?" Donnie asks me curiously.
Something odd happens as his words slip away from his light olive green lips. For some reason...I feel safe. I feel the need to be honest and to open up to Donnie. But..why, is my only question.
"I guess I just needed a way to deal with all of the stress; keep the pain at bay. Cutting came easily for me." I explain slightly with a faint shrug. Donnie nods and looks back down at the tool in his hand.
"Alright, open up." I open my mouth in obedience; another thing that doesn't usually come so easily for me. Why am I going against myself? It's because you're so hungry, you just wanna get to a slice of pizza as soon as you can. Ya, ya that's gotta be it.
Donatello injects the thermometer into my mouth and instructs me to bite down. I do.
"Many teens turn to cutting in times of stress and anxiety. Most are in a state of depression, which leads to self harm, and eventually suicide; for most, anyway. Are you depressed? Have you had any suicide thoughts with him the past year?" Donatello pulls the thermometer thing outta my mouth and takes it over to his computer. I go to stand up, but Donnie motions for me to sit back down. I obey;...again.
"Yes, I'm in a state of depression. And yes, I've had many suicide thoughts. Especially during the past week." I admit shamefully. Donatello looks over at me from across the room with his chocolate eyes full of sympathy. I look away.
"Okay, so you've considered killing yourself. What would your method be?" Why the hell does he needa' know that? I'm gonna do it, whetha' he knows or not.
"Either by slitting my throat, hanging myself from the rails in the lair, or jumping off of a high rise." Better question, why am I confessing this shit?! I ain't even plannin' the words, they're just finding their way outta my damn mouth. Maybe I should sew 'em together like they do in the movies.
"Alright, well thank you for telling me that. 80% of teens who cut themselves end up commuting suicide, and we don't want that to happen to you. So, is there anything we could do to prevent you from doing this?" Well, that question was just plain useless. Hell no!
"Yes." Shit, the hell is going on here? It's like I'm on some sorta drug that's forcin' me ta be honest.
Oh, wait...
"And what is it that we can do?"
Don't be honest, don't be honest, don't be honest, don't be honest...
"Help me be happier." God, I sound like a fucking four year old girl! Would you like a side of rainbows with your happiness?
"How can we do that?"
"By getting damn asses outta my business." I stand up and walk towards the door. I turn around before leaving to say, "Oh, and don't bother druggin' me, eitha'."
I stomp to the kitchen, Don chasing after me. Uh, this stupid cat and mouse game! They try to catch me, but if they eva' sad Tom and Jerry they'd know it's useless. The cat may be desperate for food, but the rat is desperate for life.
I open the fridge and take out two slices of pizza. I shove 'em on to a paper plate and into the microwave. I punch in a sequence of digits and press "start" before turning back to the fridge to grab a drink. Pepsi, Faygo, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper... I grab a Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew, feeling as if I need to drinks for so reason. As I look back at the microwave, I see that I still have another 45 seconds of waiting, so I leave my pop cans on the cluttered counter and run to the bathroom for a quick pee. When I return to the kitchen my food is done, so I grab that and my drinks and start towards my room.
As I pass by the entrance, I see April and my brothers, all crowded around something. I take a few steps forward and the object becomes clear; a kitten. The baby cat is mostly white with some black spots. It's tail is completely black with a small white streak, it's back has a giant black spot as well, making it look as if it's wearing a saddle. It's right ear and eye is black. It's eyes are a blue-gray color, and it looks up at me with a tired expression. I scowl at the creature.
April notices me and rushes forward. I bite the right side of my lower lip. "We should talk." We both speak the same words at the same time. April giggles and I smirk as we head to my room. I hand a can of soda to April as I shut my bedroom door.
I sit on my desk chair, the chair backwards. April sits in my hammock bed and we both watch each other for the longest time. Finally, April speaks up.
"I'm sorry for what happened the other night. I just got a little carried away and-" I cut April off.
"Don't be sorry, you did nothing wrong. I kissed you back and I will admit; I enjoyed it completely." My tone turns more serious and I know that my eyes must be hard as stone, cold as ice, as I say these next words. "I'm the one who screwed up. I kissed you and made it seem like I was interesting, and then turned you down. That was bitch-like. Truth is, I like you too April. And the reason I turned you away was because of what I am. I don't want to hurt you."
April looks at me with eyes full of unsurity and sympathy. She bites her lip and toys with her fingers. Her face proves that is torn between a cluster of feelings, not knowing which way to lean towards. "What is it about you that would hurt me so much?"
Honesty. Honesty. Honesty.
Truth. Truth. Truth.
The damn drugs Don put me on is forcing me to live undercover those two words; truth and honesty. So, I start with a couple questions. "Do you remember when your arm was cut open during a battle with the Kraang?"
April nods immediately. "Yeah, totally. It hurt so bad." Well, I knew that! She was crying a waterfall for cryin' out loud!
"Right, and what did you do to forget about the pain?" I ask further questions. April gives me a look over pure confusion as she answers. "I meditated."
"Why?"
"Because it removed stress and I forgot the pain. What's with all of these questions? Can you just answer my question already?" April asks in a demanding voice.
I nod slightly, mostly to myself, standing up as I rip my bandages off of my wrists. I rip them clean off; I'll need more later.
My cuts are now visual and April is standing in front of me, grazing them lightly with the tips of her fingers. A trend, I have noticed, is that everyone touches my cuts when they first see them. I guess it's just instinct; I did the same thing with my first few cuts, ran of fingers across the bumps and swells.
"Raph, I hope you know that you cutting yourself doesn't make me like you any less." April laces our fingers together and looks up at me with eyes of passion and hope. I smirk down at her, my little ball of sunshine. My light, my hope. She likes me, even though she's seen my scars. What does that mean? Should I like her back. Wait..I already do. Don't I? Ugh! I don't know! This stupid honesty drug is gettin' to my brain!
"You mean it?" What kinda question was that? She ain't gonna lie, this is April O'Neil we're talkin' about!
"Of course. And, I still wanna be in a relationship with." April pauses, looking down at our hands. A smile spears on her face of freckles, and she looks back up at me. "But it's up to you."
"April, of course I wanna be in a relationship with you. It's just.. What if my cutting continues? Don said that 80% of teens who cut themselves die from suicide, and I don't want you to have to suffer when that happens to me."
"It won't happen to you." April shakes her head it total denial.
"Yes, April, it will. And when it does, you are going to be so damn upset. It'd just be better if we weren't in a relationship, that way you aren't losing so much." My tone is desperate. April cannot, CANNOT like me! We can't be in a relationship, it's just too damn risky!
"Raphael Hamato! I do not care! I like you and I want to be in a relationship with you!" April's sudden raise in voice startles me and I let go of her hands. "I can help you, I can help you get through this. You'll be okay. Just lighten up a bit and have some fun." April advises. Lighten up... Have some fun...
"I guess you're right. Maybe." I heave an exaggerated sigh. "I just feel like I'm on this hole, a hole dug so deep that I can't even see the sun anymore. And I can't get out."
"Well, I'll be your ladder."
I wrap my arms around April's waist and lean down to press a kiss to her lips. April smirks against my rough, large mouth on hers, knowing that she has won this argument. I place on of my arms behind her back and the other on her thighs, lifting her up bridal-style.
April giggles, pulling away from my face, just a small bit though. April's soft blue eyes smile at my hard-as-stone green ones. A smile appears on my face. Shit, have I missed this. The feeling of being wanted. Happy. Loved. Enjoyed. I've missed it. And I'll cherish it.
No drinking for me tonight.
Or cutting.
Or suicidal thoughts.
Only smiling.
And laughing.
And being happy.
3 hours later
The drugs wore off about an hour ago, April left 20 minutes ago; leaving the kitten behind. Apparently she brought it for us to keep, lucky us.
I'm pacing back and worth in my room, muttering things under my breath. My family is out in the living room, I can hear 'em talkin' about that damn fluff ball cat, debatin' names, that's what their doin'. I should just stomp out there and demand a reason for druggin' me. Those little assholes, they had it planned. Must've.
"Hey, where's Raph? He's not starving himself again, is he?" Michelangelo's muffled voice questions from outside my door and down the stairs.
"I don't know, and I don't care. He's so stubborn. He can do whatever the shell he wants, not like I care." Leonardo's bitter tone replies dully.
That's it! I'm goin' out there!
I stomp outta my room and slam the door shut. I walk casually yet angrily into the main room, sitting down on my bean bag. My "family" goes silent the second I step foot out of my room, the only sound is the peaceful purrs coming from the annoying cat on Mike's lap. I already wanna slaughter it.
"So, care to tell me why the hell you all drugged me?" I ask with a fake friendly grin on my face. I pretend to be happy, but I'm honestly feelin' pretty sadistic right now.
"Not if you don't stop swearing." Leonardo lets out a sigh and rubs his fingers in circular motions on his forehead; something he does when he's trying to not explode. "We've been over this, Raphael. It's 'Shell' not 'Hell'."
"Ya, and I don't give a fuck. I ain't gonna stop cussin' till someone gives me some answers." I'm standing now, pointing a finger at my older brother. Boy do I wish I could just rip his throat out!
"Fine, Raph. Donnie, will you explain what happened?" Leonardo asks in a tired tone. Donatello nods and stands up from his seat on the bench next to Karai.
"You see, Leo informed me of your current state and asked me to look into the situation. So I started with learning about the subject and then decided to set a plan into action. I borrowed some Jasmine Tea from Master Splinter and just rubbed some onto your cuts, allowing the 'drug' into your system; causing you to be honest and truthful. I then asked you a series of questions, which didn't get very far considering the fact that you realized what exactly was going on. I admire your wits in the situation." Donatello adds a compliment at the end, almost like he's tryin' to lighten the mood. Heh, nice try little bro.
"Ya, well, thanks for the compliment." I say sarcastically with a scowl on my face. "It still doesn't excuse you're behavior." I say bitterly.
"Raph, we're just concerned about you! Don't take it so offensively." Leonardo shouts at me. I stalk forward, coming nose to nose with him; literally. We both snarl like wolves before a battle. Our eyes clash like our blades in a spar, and our fists clench. Don't waste your time, Raph, he ain't worth it.
I shove Leonardo away from me and stomp off to my bike, making sure the gas blows in my family's faces.
...
And if there's one thing that I could say
"we're better of , so much better off this way.
And I can't believe, no I can't believe that this came true.
I waited my whole life to find you."
Maybe I'm a lost cause,
But I can tell you're the safe bet that I'm counting on.
And it could be that it's all talk,
But I'm holding my breath hoping that it's not.
I'm holding my breath, yeah I'm holding on.
...