The Voice of Reason
Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to SM.
A/N-thank you for the awesome reviews!
Chapter Ten
Bella and Charlie were sitting down to breakfast together. It was becoming a daily routine for them now, a time to check in with each other before they started their day. It was something that Charlie wished he had insisted upon when Bella first came to live with him. Mornings were always peaceful and less chaotic then lunch or dinner where either of them were either working late or in Bella's case, studying. Charlie drank his coffee while he looked at his daughter's troubled expression. Something was bothering her that was obvious.
"Do you want to talk about it, kiddo?" Charlie asked as he placed his coffee mug on the table. It was another regret of his that he hadn't been more proactive in the past about trying to get Bella to open up to him. Lately their relationship had improved as they made more of an effort to be involved in each other's lives and Charlie didn't want to lose that.
Bella cradled her own coffee between her hands as she glanced up at her father. She had been stewing all night about what the voice of reason had said to her the night before when she had defied her and kissed Jacob. "Do you think I'm weak, dad?" She questioned miserably.
"No, I don't." Charlie said at once. He frowned, looking closer at Bella as she sighed sadly. "Where is this coming from?"
"I don't know." Bella shrugged. "I just feel that maybe I rely too much on others and that I can't look after myself."
"You feel like you've lost your independent streak. Is that it?" Charlie queried.
"Kinda." Bella gazed at him hopelessly. "I don't want to be that girl who needs saving all the time. I want to be able to protect myself."
"Well there are certain situations where it's best to take a step back and let others more qualified protect you, Bells." Charlie replied firmly. "But of course that doesn't mean you can't learn some self-defence. You know that Moira at the station runs an evening class in just that. You could join and learn a few kick ass moves." He was rewarded with a small smile. "Would you be interested in that? I could ask her."
"I'd like that, thank you." Bella agreed.
"As far as losing your independence, kiddo." Charlie continued as his expression turned serious again. "I don't think it was really lost. I just feel that maybe it got stifled. You've always been able to look after yourself. I know you love your mother, but we both know Renee isn't always on the ball when it comes to paying bills and looking after the housekeeping. I know that you had to step in. I've seen you do it here."
"I suppose." Bella became thoughtful.
"Can I be honest with you, Bells?" Charlie asked. "You're of an age now where I feel I can be. You're an adult now, even though I know I try to pretend otherwise." A teasing light lit up his brown eyes.
Bella laughed in response. "Okay."
"I think you worry too much about what people think of you. You keep quiet about how you are really feeling because you are afraid to upset them or lose them. I saw that countless times when you were with Cullen. It upset me to see him control you like that, and that you allowed him to do it." Charlie tried to take the sting out of his words by reaching for her hand and squeezing it. "Sometimes I think you shoulder the blame for things that are not your fault. Bearing the burden can drag a person down." He sighed heavily. "I'm guilty of that myself, Bells. I'm afraid you take after me in a lot of ways, especially the ability to brood over things."
"Like when I was depressed after Edward left me." Bella said thickly.
"Yes." Charlie nodded. "I was the same after your mother left and took you with her. I drowned my sorrows in work and beer. I tried to cut everyone out of my life, to stop feeling at all. But lucky for me I had some good friends who wouldn't let me fall. It took a while but I managed to come out the other side. Kind of anyway." He smiled bitterly. "But still I hung onto the hurt and let it poison any chance I had of trusting another woman with my heart again. That's why I am the lonely crusty old bachelor you see before you today."
"That's not who you are, dad." Bella protested. "You put your heart and soul into your job. You are strong and…and the best decision I ever made was coming back here to live with you."
Charlie sniffed as his eyes filled with moisture. "Look at me." He mumbled, letting of Bella's hand. He grabbed a paper napkin and dabbed at his eyes. "I'm getting emotional in my old age."
"No, you are letting go of the past." Bella didn't bother trying to stem the tide of her own tears. "That's what I need to do. I've got to let go of what I can't change and embrace what I can."
Charlie laughed huskily. "That's very philosophical, Bells."
"It sure is." Bella agreed.
Charlie sat back in his chair and smiled at his daughter tenderly. "I think you've been doing that already. I can see the changes. You've found yourself again, kiddo. You've surrounded yourselves with some good friends. You've got Jake for one. It eases my heart that you two made up. He needs you just like you need him. I like Angela. She's got a good heart. Like I had Billy and Harry to pull me back from the abyss, so you've got them."
"I've got you, too." Bella reminded him as the tears continued to spill out of her eyes. "It wasn't only Jake who pulled me back from the darkness, you did too."
Charlie seemed beyond words. There was only so much emotion he could cope with in one day. He cleared his throat and began to drink his coffee, but there was no dimming the renewed twinkle in his eyes.
"You were wrong." Bella said to the voice as she brushed her hair vigorously in front of the mirror. Her brown eyes were fierce as she stared at her reflection.
"Of course I was." The voice of reason agreed quietly.
"You've changed your tune." Bella replied suspiciously. Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Last night when I kissed Jake you really lost it."
"I had to." The voice of reason sounded tired.
"Why?" Bella heard the weariness in the voice of reason's tone and she felt surprised. Something was happening here and she felt a stab of anxiety in her gut. "Did you play me? Did you say all that yesterday about me being weak to bait me?"
"Yes." The voice didn't deny it. "I had to make you realise that you were always strong underneath. You had just forgotten that was all. I wanted to make you seek others guidance and opinions other than my own. I was proud of the way you sought advice from Billy and your father. They are both wise in their own ways. And Charlie was right you have surrounded yourself with good people. You will not be alone."
The anxious feelings began to increase. Bella saw the worry on her face reflected back at her from the mirror. "You talk as if you are leaving me."
"I told you that I would."
The voice was getting fainter in her head. Bella panicked. "But you're my guide." She said desperately. "I know we clash sometimes but I need you. Billy thinks you are a part of me."
"I am and I am not. While I reside in your head I connect with who you are. I become part of you, but when I disconnect I am just me and now it's time for me to go."
"Please…don't go. Stay."
"I can't. I came to you to try and set you on the right path. You wouldn't listen to me before. As you said we clash in the worst way. Now I aim to finish what I started and remove the wrong that I inadvertently caused you."
"Wrong? Reason, what wrong?" Bella cried.
"You've given me a name." The voice breathed sadly.
"Of course I have." Bella whispered brokenly. "We're friends of sorts…sisters."
"I have to go." The voice of reason sounded so faint that Bella hardly hear her. "Goodbye, Bella Swan. Be happy."
"Reason?" Bella said loudly as she stared into the mirror as if she could summon the owner of the voice to appear. "Come back. Please, come back. I need to know who you really are. I need to know what you meant by the wrong you caused me. Speak to me, I beg you."
Her pleas were met with silence.
A/N-thanks for reading!