Chapter Nine
She was washing herself off, when she heard the front door open and close.
Nick shouted to her that he was home, but she didn't turn off the hot water. She felt dirty somehow, and she needed to clean herself off. She'd been in the shower since she got home roughly forty minutes ago, but she still felt like scum. She couldn't wash off the shame no matter how hard she tried. She'd scrubbed every inch of herself with soap and a sponge, her skin was practically red, but it didn't help. She'd even brought the mouthwash into the shower, and lost count of how many times she'd used it.
She didn't feel clean; it was as if she couldn't be clean. What she had done was so traitorous, so wrong, so mean and so disappointing. Nick deserved so much better than a wife who went around kissing other women. Nick was a good guy, he was a good husband, and he respected her and accepted her for who she was; in a way that not many other people had done in her life. Everyone had always had so many problems with her personality, but here was this great person, who'd just been there for her since the first day they met on campus.
Of course she'd kissed other people before, even after they were married. It came with the field. She had to kiss people on stage several times during one show, and Nick never even batted an eyelash. He was just supportive of her. So what made this kiss different? Everything. Everything made it different. She'd kissed Quinn, Quinn had kissed her – she and Quinn had kissed! It was wrong. It wasn't just a stage-kiss, it wasn't just work. They'd just been talking and it had happened; it had happened even though it wasn't supposed to happen. When one kisses someone else and it isn't for work, then it's for play. It's done because these two people share a desire to lock lips, and – Rachel gulped at the thought – she couldn't say that she hadn't wanted to kiss Quinn.
Every fibre of her being had been pulling her towards Quinn. She'd fought it, all night, she'd tried to stand up to her desire to lock her lips to Quinn's red ones. She'd thought of it since she laid eyes on her, which just made it so much worse. It wasn't a spur of the moment kind of thing, it was something she'd been battling with for the entire evening. It couldn't be justified by any means, and she hated herself for it. She was scum, the most horrible wife to ever grace this planet.
How could she even get out of this shower now? How could she go and face Nick? What was she going to do?
She placed her forehead against the wall and closed her eyes. The water was hammering down on her, and the entire bathroom was fogged; she could barely see her feet. But she couldn't go out there. She really felt like her heart was going to burst right out of her chest just by the thought of facing Nick; sweet, old, familiar Nick.
She wanted to come clean and tell him what she had done, she wanted to be honest with him, to clear the air. They'd always shared everything with each other, and this should be no exception. Perhaps if she just told him what happened and promised to never see Quinn again, maybe he would understand it and forgive her. She had been drunk on red wine, and though that was no legitimate excuse, maybe it could soften him up. Nothing good ever came out of lying, so perhaps it would be better to just tell him, even if it was going to crush him to hear it.
He'd be so hurt, feel so betrayed. She could barely stand the idea of doing that to him; of hurting him that way.
She bit er lip as she remembered what had happened in the past. Whenever she'd come clean with her boyfriends – and with this specific thing, she really could not help but think about her and Finn's break-up in junior year of high school – they'd ended up being hurt so badly that they couldn't stay with her. Finn had broken things off with her because of her mess-up with Puck, and really... thinking back, she couldn't blame him.
What if Nick reacted the same way as Finn? What if he told her that he couldn't look at her the same and then threw her out on her behind? Maybe he'd say that he couldn't stay with her, not after the betrayal. She couldn't bare losing him, she really couldn't. He was the foundation of her life; he was the guy she came home to every day, the guy she cooked for, cleaned for. He was the guy she loved; her husband. She wasn't ready to leave him, even if he told her that he wanted her to.
Maybe it would be better if he didn't know, then. Perhaps it wouldn't really matter, because this thing with Quinn, it had only happened one time. They'd kissed, and she'd been sensible enough to pull away because she was married. What Nick didn't know, didn't hurt him. There was no need hurting him with this, because it was over. It was over before it even begun, so why even bring it up?
She'd just have to stay away from Quinn. Clearly Quinn was the problem, because all these feelings and desires came up in her, feelings and desires that should just have stayed hidden. This was just proof that she'd made the right decision all those years ago by telling Quinn to stay out of her life. There had been a reason for the madness. It was clear to everybody involved that she couldn't help herself when she was around the blonde woman, so the only apparent solution was to stay away from her. She'd just have to do that again. It was going to be tough because she didn't want to stay away, but... Everything for her marriage; it was for the sake of her marriage.
Santana was going to murder her if they ever saw each other, just the two of them. And it was pretty clear to her that she couldn't stay entirely away from Quinn, because everyone was reconnecting now, and she and Brittany worked together. But there'd be no more nights like this night, that was for sure. No alone-time with Quinn in empty apartments. If they had to meet up alone, they'd have to do it somewhere crowded. Actually, she'd prefer it if they didn't meet up at all, but if they had to... It should be somewhere in the city.
"Rachel Darling?"
She was pulled out of her thought process when Nick's voice was suddenly heard in the bathroom. He must've opened the door and entered without her noticing. It wasn't even that hard, she'd been thinking and it wasn't possible to see anything with all that fog.
She turned off the shower and pulled the curtain aside, only to find him standing by the sink, looking at her with questions in his eyes. The door to the hallway was open, and the fog was already seeping into the rest of the apartment. "I'm done now." she whispered as she brushed a piece of her soaked hair out of her eyes.
Nick looked amused. "You should open all the windows in here." he said as he opened the cabinet and got out a towel. He handed it to her. "What's with the hot shower?"
"I just needed it." she hoarsely replied. She didn't unfold the towel to dry herself off though, she simply stood there with it.
He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm going to make us some tea. I was out with the guys for a beer. You had a good time with Quinn tonight?"
Her pulse immediately picked up. "Yes." she managed to slip out, desperately trying not to panic.
His eyes searched hers for a second as he smiled funnily at her. "What's with you, babe? Dry yourself off, open the windows and come join me before we go to bed."
She forced out a small smile at him, and he accepted that and turned to leave. She stepped onto the floor of the bathroom and opened the two windows, before she dried the mirror off with the back of her hand and stared right into her own face.
Something had changed tonight, and she could already see it in her eyes. She was wondering if Nick could, too.
-Faberry-
"No. Fucking. Way."
Quinn shook her head to sort of tell Jessica that it was 'yes fucking way', but the red-head seemed entirely too shocked to even notice the motion. She was in a trance, practically frozen with an open mouth and wide eyes. Quinn had just told her about her lip-lock with Rachel the other night, and Jessica had been caught off guard – entirely.
"You guys kissed!" Jessica continued, and her voice was shriller than Quinn had ever heard it before, Jessica wasn't usually a person who'd ever sound shrill, but this time, she really did. "It's not fair! Where was I? Why wasn't I there? I wanted to see it!"
The blonde shook her head at her, and sarcastically replied, "Because that would not have been weird, right? With you hiding in the corner or under the couch?"
Jessica rolled her eyes at her and moved eagerly just a bit closer on the floor. "You need to tell me everything!" she said, "How was it? Was it wet? Was it good? Did it give you the butterflies?"
Quinn stared at her and shook her head in disbelief. "Why are you so weird right now? I can't even talk to you!"
Jessica laughed. "I'm sorry!" she chuckled, and the laughter was practically bubbling out of her, "I'm just really excited about this!"
"You're excited about my kiss with Rachel?" Quinn whispered in amusement. She swore, sometimes she didn't understand what was going on inside that girl's head, and Jessica's enthusiasm was sort of frightening her right now. Of course it was a good thing to have some support (contradicting Santana's angry response to the exact same story), but this was a little bit freaky.
She nodded her head eagerly. "Yes! For fuck's sake, Quinn! This is the girl you've wanted for so many years, how can I not support you in that?" she continued to blurt out, her voice going at it with rapid speed, "Sure, it might be odd for some people, but you and I are friends! Beyond everything, we're friends!"
Quinn couldn't hide the small smile that came to her lips then, because that was exactly what she wanted them to be. If they couldn't be lovers like they'd been for a while, she wanted them to be friends.
"I'm just excited for you!" she happily said and reached for her cigarette that had been forgotten since Quinn blurted out 'Rachel' and 'kissed' in the same sentence. It was almost burned out, but she took another wheeze of it and threw the bud into the ashtray in front of her on the floor. "Think, Quinn, this is the girl you were in love with for years, and the two of you actually played tonsil hockey now! That's good, is it not?" she wriggled her eyebrows, flicked another cigarette out of the package and placed it between her lips. She fumbled with the lighter for a second, before it finally turned on. "Why are you not more excited than me? This is odd." she mumbled with the cigarette between her lips, before she sucked in a deep breath and threw the lighter on the floor. She blew the smoke out in a fine little circle.
Looking into the floor for a second, Quinn bit her own lip. She'd been over this with Santana, what had happened, how Rachel had reacted. It wasn't looking good for her, and really, why should it? Rachel was a married woman, and she wasn't just going to get a divorce, not just like that. So really, this wasn't just easy. There were so many things in this, and the fact that they kissed was not a promise of anything. Had they both been single, sure, of course, that would have been the start of something, but not in this situation, not now. "We kissed, but..." she trailed off softly, "she ran afterwards."
Jessica coughed. "She ran? How do you mean?"
Quinn shrugged. "She pulled away, mumbled something about Nick and you, and what were we doing, and... she ran."
Clearing her throat, Jessica readjusted her legs and spread them out in front of her. "That's not necessarily a bad thing." she just said then, pulsating on her cigarette and blowing the smoke out in front of her.
Quinn was confused. "How is that not a bad thing?" she heard herself question in a small voice. It was different, talking about this with Jessica, than talking about it with Santana. Santana had just freaked out, murmured a lot of profanities in Spanish and called Rachel 'puta' a good handful of times, before she'd hung up the phone to help Brittany with the twins. Quinn hadn't gotten a lot out of that conversation, just that Santana was upset with Rachel and wanted to kick her. However this conversation... she might actually get something out of. Jessica always gave her perspective on things, no matter big or small.
"Of course she's going to freak out." Jessica slowly said, looking at Quinn with serious eyes, and a blunt calmness that was almost scary. "She just kissed you. You're an old friend, just back in her life. She's married. She thinks you're in a serious relationship. Of course she's going to need to get out of there and think things over." she shrugged her shoulders and continued, "There's a lot more to this than just your feelings and hers. She's getting perspective on things, and you should be happy about that."
"Is it really a good thing?" Quinn whispered. She still wasn't sure about it. It felt odd that she'd left like that, like she didn't really mean it or want it.
Jessica nodded. "Hell yeah!" she smiled brightly, "It shows that she she's a good person. That she actually cares about you, and not just needs something extra on the side, because her hubby's not giving her any. It shows she's not a cheater, because she didn't just jump into bed with you. There's a lot of good things about this, Fabray, you just need to see them instead on focusing on the part where she stormed out."
Quinn had to agree with her on that. Now, when she thought it over, Jessica made quite a point. That night she'd just felt like she wanted to continue to kiss Rachel, but maybe it was a good thing that they hadn't. She'd been hurt afterwards, when she was left alone in her apartment, but if Rachel had just continued to stay there with her and make out, it would have been wrong (but nice at the moment), because of the situation they were in. Quinn didn't want her and Rachel to just be making out behind Nick's back like some dirty little secret. If they had to make out at all, it was going to be the right way, otherwise she would really rather they didn't kiss at all.
So she was just going to take it easy. She wasn't going to freak out and expect Rachel to call her and tell her that she was leaving Nick. She wasn't going to call her either, she had sense enough to understand that it was better if she stayed away. It was Rachel who had so much at stake, Rachel who had things to figure out, and Quinn was going to let the other woman come to her. And if Rachel didn't come... If Quinn wouldn't have expected anything, she wouldn't be as hurt. Of course there'd still be the memory of this one kiss to haunt her, but if she started thinking, believing that something could happen, she'd feel even more betrayed if it didn't. She was going to leave it all to Rachel; she held all the cards.
"You're too good to be someone's secret lover." Jessica continued with a warm smile, "You deserve to be someone's wife."
"Aw!" Quinn said then with a goofy grin, "Warms my heart, you do!"
Jessica laughed, her chuckles spilling over her pink lips in bubbles, as she held her stomach and her warm eyes landed on Quinn, who couldn't help but laugh as well. She doubled over, clutching her own stomach and shared a laugh with the other woman, a laugh she'd really needed since that night where Rachel left her; she'd needed to loosen up, needed to let go and feel happiness return to her. She'd been sort of in a funk – hadn't known whether to be happy or not. But now, she could definitely see that she might as well enjoy this and just try to live with it, until Rachel made that oh so important decision for her.
The red-head fell onto the floor then, putting her hands behind her head and staring into the ceiling. "I don't suppose you wanna fuck before you go?" she questioned, her pink tongue slipping out and wetting her dry lips.
Quinn looked down at her; saw everything she'd liked when she first laid eyes on Jessica: She saw the hair, her green eyes. The way her beautiful features went so well with her strong body. She even loved the piercings and the tattoos. Everything was downright delicious, and the blonde was still attracted to her – she'd most likely continue to be so throughout their friendship – but she didn't have a desire to sleep with her; not when she'd shared that kiss with Rachel, not when there (no matter what she told herself) was a blossoming hope inside of her for something more with the brunette singer. So she couldn't sleep with Jessica, not anymore. It wouldn't feel right.
"I don't think..." Quinn softly begun with an apologetic smile, "that we should do that anymore."
"Oh man." Jessica mumbled and locked her eyes to Quinn's, "I'm sad about that. You're a fucking hot lay, Quinn Fabray."
The blonde could feel a small blush rise up on her cheeks, and she replied, "So are you, Jess. At this moment, the best I ever had."
And even though that was true, Quinn couldn't help but feel sure, that if she went there with Rachel – and fuck, she hoped she did – Rachel would top everyone else. If their kiss had been any indication at all, Quinn would feel the fireworks all the way into her fingertips.
-Faberry-
She was just packing her duffel bag to make a quick exit and go home, when she heard someone chanting her name nearby.
"Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!"
Her ears peeked and she turned around to take a look, but she couldn't find the person among all of her co-workers. She was sweaty and gross, they'd been dancing all day, and she just wanted to go home and crash on the couch until Nick came home and she had to cook dinner and pretend that everything was okay.
She ran a hand across her forehead and tried to zip the bag, when she thought that the chanting had finished, since no one approached her. She paused though, when suddenly it picked up again – only now it was getting closer.
"Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rach, Rach, Rachy, Rachy, Rach..."
Turning around on her heel, Rachel was ready to blow her top off and yell for someone to stop calling her name, but she stopped herself, when she came face to face with a brilliantly smiling Brittany.
"Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!" she sang and pushed her sweaty blonde braid across her shoulder, "I was singing your name to myself, because I had to remember who it was that I wanted to see." she shook her head and grinned, "I sometimes forget everything with all that dancing!"
Rachel slung her duffel bag over her shoulder and replied, "Oh yeah, Brittany. All that dancing can definitely make your brain into mush."
"Mush?" Brittany continued with a confused look. "I hope there's no mush in my brain. San and I sometimes put it on our faces, but that's only because it helps the skin." she explained.
The diva couldn't hide the smile that came to her face then; trust Brittany to cheer her up in just a few seconds. "I do that too sometimes." she replied.
The blonde woman just nodded excitedly. "It's really good!"
"So," Rachel shifted awkwardly on her feet and tried to be patient. She was happy to see Brittany now – they hadn't had time to talk earlier, because the entire cast had been dancing since early this morning – but she didn't really feel like spending all her time here right now; she could hear the sofa calling her name, and she had to get home before Nick if she wanted to nap. And she really did. "what did you want from me, Brittany?"
It looked like a light went on inside the blonde's head. "Oh! Yeah!" she said and eagerly continued, "I wanted to talk to you, Rach, because of Quinn. So will you please come with me home and have dinner now?"
Rachel shifted on her feet again; she didn't want to let Brittany down, but as soon as she heard that it was about Quinn, she felt that it couldn't be good. How could it? Quinn probably told them how she ran out on her, and now Santana was waiting in their apartment, ready to beat her with a baseball bat. "About... Quinn?"
Brittany nodded. "Mhm-hmm. She's super sad, Rachel." the blonde explained as a matter of fact, "She told us that you guys kissed, but she sounded sad, and I know it's not good, because you have Nick, and he's super nice!" she made a thinking-face and folded her hands behind her back, "So San is really mad at you, but I don't think it's all your fault, so I want to know what you're feeling."
"You do?" Rachel breathlessly asked, and she had to agree, that it was a nice feeling to have someone who wanted to hear her side of the story. She'd told Kurt, of course, she told him everything, but he'd been very disappointed in her, and told her that he could see her dilemma, but he didn't want to be a part of it, if she was going to mess with Quinn's heart. Rachel understood that; Kurt cared about Quinn so it was going to put him in quite the dilemma to know more. Perhaps it was a good thing to talk to Brittany tonight? Maybe it'd help her get all of her feelings out, so it didn't feel like she was going to burst at any moment. Maybe if she talked it over with someone, she'd be able to sleep better, to look Nick in the eye, even just function properly.
"Santana is out with Quinn tonight." Brittany explained, "So if you come with me, we can eat at our apartment. We have to go there, the twins are with the sitter, and she can't sit anymore."
Rachel thought that this was the perfect opportunity, and she was going to grab it. "Sure!" she eagerly said, clutching the strap of her bag and smiling eagerly, "Let's get going, I'll text Nick on the way."
Brittany happily clapped her hands together. "Yay! I'll grab my bag and we can find some dinner on the way." she said, before she turned on her heel and rushed towards the other end of the room.
Rachel had a feeling that tonight was going to be a good night – she needed this, she really felt like she did. And most importantly – she thought that she deserved to be listened to.
They were at Brittany and Santana's apartment about thirty minutes later. They'd found a Thai place on the way and brought some different kind of things, and now they'd just said goodbye to the babysitter, and were settling down in front of the TV. Rebecca was sitting happily in her chair, splashing her food everywhere, and Brittany had Rico in her lap and was trying to feed him – without much success, but it looked cute. Rachel was sitting with her feet up in the sofa, eating out of a vegan box, and watching Brittany interact with her kids. It looked so amazing; the kind of relationship they had, the loved they shared. Rachel didn't think so much about kids, or at least she hadn't used to, but now that Nick was pressuring her to start a family – which, admittedly, was the next natural step in their life together – she'd thought more about kids than ever before.
"He's a really messy eater!" Brittany suddenly said then, and turned to look at Rachel with a bright smile. She had some of Rico's baby-food on her t-shirt, but Rachel didn't want to say anything. "Can you hand me one of those boxes?"
Rachel grabbed a random box from the table and stuck a fork in it, before she handed it to Brittany. She watched, as the blonde woman placed it on the arm of the chair and let it balance there, as she held Rico in one arm and ate her own food with the other.
Brittany swallowed with a bright smile. "So now you're telling me, Rachel, why did you ran out on Quinn? She sounded super sad when she called us. I don't know how she is now, but then, she was really sad, and San was really, really super very angry."
The diva shifted slightly on the couch and placed her box of food in her lap. "Well Brittany, I ran because I have Nick. I can't kiss Quinn when I have Nick. You know that."
"I do know that." Brittany nodded seriously. "So you ran because you don't want to hurt him."
"That is true." Rachel replied and stuck her fork into her box. She moved the food around for a little bit with it, before she continued, in a low whisper, "It doesn't mean that I didn't want to kiss Quinn. I just means that I can't."
"Because of Nick?" Brittany stated again, just to clarify. She waited for Rachel to reply with a nod, before she hurriedly continued, "I understand that so well, Rach, that's like when I see a hot girl that I want to kiss, but I only kiss San, because we're married and we have the kids."
Rachel brushed a piece of her hair behind her ear. "It's sort of like that..." she softly begun, because it was almost like that, but then again, not really at all. Because she actually did care about Quinn, she wasn't just some random woman that Rachel had met one night in a bar. She was this person that Rachel had actual feelings for, who meant so much to her. And that made all the difference.
Brittany stuck a forkful of food into her mouth and chewed loudly. "So you can't kiss Quinn because of Nick." she stated once more, just to be sure she had gotten it right. Rico was looking up at her with wide brown eyes, curiously watching her every move. "But you do want to kiss Quinn. But you left because it's not right. Because of Nick?"
"Because of Nick." Rachel confirmed once more.
"So get rid of Nick." Brittany easily suggested then, nodding her head up and down.
Rebecca made a gurgling sound from her chair, and splashed some of her food around.
Rachel almost choked on her food. "I can't get rid of Nick. We're married!" she quickly said then. Sure, if things were as easy as that, it'd be no trouble, but they weren't. She cared about Nick, he was the guy she loved, but then there was Quinn... Quinn with her perfect hair and perfect eyes and perfect skin; that adorable voice, and sarcastic humour and the way she sort of made Rachel's heart speed up.
Brittany sighed heavily. "But it's like this, and you can't have both of them."
That was true. "Which means I should just stay with Nick, because otherwise everyone else will get hurt."
The blonde girl looked confused. "But won't you and Quinn get hurt if you do stay with him?"
Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "Quinn knows I'm with him, she knows how I feel." she explained, digging into her food again, and trying to justify everything – she wasn't sure if it was for her own sake or Brittany's, "I can't stop myself from caring about Quinn the way I do, but I can stop myself from kissing her."
"But why would you do that?" Brittany asked, "Kissing is fun! You shouldn't have to not kiss Quinn if that's what you want to do. You'll only end up sad. And Quinn will end up sad."
Rachel sighed. "I appreciate your opinion, Brittany, but it's not just my feelings at stake here. It's more than just that." she softly tried to explain. She had the desire to kiss Quinn; she'd had it for a very long time, but she couldn't just give in to it. There were other people involved, so many other people. And she didn't want to hurt Quinn by kissing her at night, then running home to Nick afterwards.
Brittany nodded. "Sure. Quinn's feelings are at steak, too. I don't really get how that happens, I don't know, does she eat them?" she shook her head to herself and looked down at Rico, "Anyway. For me it's like, either you hurt Quinn or you hurt Nick. You definitely hurt yourself. So maybe you should think who you'd rather be hurt with. Nick or Quinn?"
"That..." Rachel swallowed loudly and placed her Thai box on the table as she licked her lips and looked at Brittany. "...actually makes perfect sense. Thank you, Brittany." she finished. Rachel was so confused about Brittany sometimes, just like she'd been in high school whenever Brittany spoke; the blonde woman could make such odd comments and mix up words, like she'd just done with 'stake' and 'steak', but then she could say something else, make such an observation, be so perceptive, that it was ridiculous. It was as if she could find the only simple explanation to everything.
Brittany laughed excitedly. "You're welcome, Rachel!" she bobbed her knee up and down to keep Rico occupied. "Did you wanna help me with something? I think Rebecca is just done eating, so do you want to change her for me and get her in her rompers? These two are going to sleep soon!" she said the last part in her baby-voice and made a face at Rico.
Rachel turned to look at the young girl with wide eyes. Did Brittany really just ask her to change the baby? Was the blonde woman out of her mind or something? She couldn't change a baby! She'd never even really had to before! She hadn't even been associated with babies – how was she going to hold them, even get their tiny little arms into the tiny little rompers? That was just insane!
"It's so easy." Brittany explained to her, hitting the nail right on the head when she assumed that Rachel was worried about having to change her, "I can do it, Rachel. Just carry her into the babies' room and change her. I'll just feed Rico and get him ready for bed." she smiled warmly at the diva with a supportive smile. "I know you can do it. I believe in you."
With Brittany's supportive smile and the fact that the blonde girl didn't doubt her abilities, Rachel decided to give it a shot. She was not at all comfortable with this sudden challenge, but she was Rachel Barbra Berry, and she never said no to a challenge. Whether it was something in showbiz or simply changing a baby. She stood up from the couch with determination and turned to get Rebecca out of the chair.
She lifted the girl carefully up into her arms and offered Brittany a smile, before she turned down the hallway to find the babies' room. She stuck her head into one bedroom, but realised that it was Santana and Brittany's, so she continued to the next one, and that was definitely the babies' room, because it was covered in baby blue and pink, and there were two white cribs and baby things everywhere. Rachel felt herself be awed by all the cuteness, and turned to the changing table and placed Rebecca there.
"Let's get you changed, okay baby girl?" she whispered, and was surprised of herself, when she realised that she was doing her baby-voice too. She had never thought of herself as a woman who'd be like this, but seeing all these things, spending time with the twins, she realised that her uterus was definitely telling her to get a baby of her own someday. There was this urge inside of her, and she hadn't realised it before because she'd been so focused on her career, but right now – looking into Rebecca's brown eyes – she felt it. She wanted this, too. She wanted a family, just like Brittany and Santana's.
Rebecca was making cute sounds and murmurs as she laid there on the changing table and let Rachel change her without any fuss. She was watching her with curious eyes, studying her, and Rachel thought that it was so adorable. Of course it would be strange for such a young child to suddenly be with someone that she didn't know, seeing as Rachel had only spent time with her a few times before, but she took it like a real trooper. Rachel had heard that kids could be crying a lot and be difficult to handle, but so far Rico and Rebecca had been the kindest children she'd ever seen.
Just then, Rico started crying loudly in the living room. Rachel couldn't hide her smile. Spoke too soon. She reached over and closed the door soundlessly, just so Rico's crying wasn't going to upset Rebecca and make her cry too. She made a little angry face and started whimpering though, so Rachel did the most natural thing that occurred to her; she starting humming slightly, only to sing to the girl.
"Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart. Never to part, baby of mine..." she sang softly, and she could feel this little pool of happiness in her stomach, when Rebecca sort of stopped whimpering and held still to listen closely.
"Little one, when you play. Don't you mind what they say. Let your eyes sparkle and shine. Never a tear, baby of mine..." Rachel continued to softly sing, looking down at the beautiful little creature beneath her. She slowly placed a clean diaper beneath her tiny body and powdered her and everything, just like she knew she was supposed to, before closing the diaper and carefully stroking the girl's hair.
"If they knew all about you. They'd end up loving you, too. All those same people who scold you. What they'd give just for the right to hold you..." she picked up the little girl, she simply couldn't help herself, and pressed her tiny body against her chest, their cheeks pressed against each other, as she sang softly. She was amazed; amazed with the feeling of a small, warm body against her own, she could feel Rebecca so closely, and honestly, she'd never felt anything more incredible than this little girl, who was so comfortable in her arms.
"From your head to your toes. You're so sweet, goodness knows. You are so precious to me. Cute as can be, baby of mine..." her voice softly faded into hums instead of words, and as she bent over to lay Rebecca on the changing table again, she was surprised to find tears rolling down her cheeks and landing on the table beneath her.
Fumbling for something clean for Rebecca to wear, Rachel quickly dried her cheeks off with the back of her hand, and told herself not to think too much about the strong reaction she'd just had. She supposed that it was somewhat normal considering everything, yet it was a surprisingly strong reaction to holding a baby girl. She picked a white romper with gold stars out of the drawer and smiled, because that was exactly what she would have brought for the girl, if she could have chosen.
You're aunt Rachel's favourite girl, aren't you? I'm going to spoil you rotten! Rachel told herself in her thoughts, before she realised that she was thinking things she shouldn't. She wasn't anyone's aunt Rachel, and she was probably never going to be anyone's aunt Rachel. Because she didn't have any siblings, and neither did Nick. Of course she could be aunt Rachel to Kurt and Blaine's kids if they ever had any, but... She felt such a desire to be Rebecca's aunt Rachel. "Because you're such an amazing little girl, aren't you?" she whispered, and carefully started slipping Rebecca into the romper.
Once she was dressed and every button was buttoned, Rachel picked her up again. She placed a lingering kiss on her black head of hair as she picked her up and rested her against her chest. "Let's go find your Momma B, okay?" she whispered soothingly into her ear, even though Rebecca was not crying at all, but actually looking very comfortable.
Opening the door to get back into the living room, Rachel paused when she heard the distinct sound of Santana's voice coming from the living room. She was talking to Brittany about something, but she didn't sound angry. Rachel suspected that she must not know that she was there, changing their daughter, because if that had been the case, all hell would already have broken loose. She didn't want to face Santana, at all actually, because she was pretty sure that she was going to get a severe ass-kicking, but there was pretty much no getting out of it. She was stuck inside their apartment, and unless she wanted to leave baby Rebecca alone on the changing table and crawl out of their fifth-floor window, she just had to step into the living room and face the inevitable riot.
"Let's do this, Sweetie." she whispered into Rebecca's hair, just as she stepped into the hallway and started walking towards the living room. She took a deep breath and turned the corner, and as soon as she did, Brittany and Santana stopped talking; Brittany smiling happily, and Santana caught completely by surprise. There was quiet in the room then, as the three of them looked at each other.
"Rebecca!" Brittany happily said and stepped over the Ottoman to grab the baby.
Rachel carefully handed her over, one eye on the baby, and one eye on Santana, who was getting more and more red in the face, as her eyes got wider, "There you go, Brittany. All changed and ready for bed." Rachel murmured.
"What!" Santana said then, almost bursting out of her own skin as she glared at first Brittany, then Rachel again, "Is she doing here, Brittany? What are you doing here?" she hissed in a quiet yell.
Brittany softly swayed from side to side with Rebecca in her arms. "I invited her here, silly. And don't yell, San, Rico is sleeping."
Santana's eyes were shooting lightnings, "You can't be here!" she hissed then, taking a step closer to Rachel and pointing her finger at her, "You can't be here, Berry, I don't care if Britts invited you. I don't want you in my house, and I most fucking certainly do not want you around my kids!"
Rachel took a step back, feeling very afraid of what Santana might do to her, if she didn't get out of this apartment quickly. "I'm sorry, but Brittany and I were just eating."
"Don't apologise to her, Rachel," Brittany softly replied, still swaying from side to side, "I invited you. San's not the boss of me."
Turning to look at Brittany, Santana continued, "You can hang out with her if you want, Brittany, but not right now," she nodded her head casually towards the other end of the room and continued, with a saying look, "if you know what I mean."
Brittany looked confused for a few seconds as her blue eyes flickered from side to side as she thought things over, and Rachel just stared at the married couple, completely confused as well, about what they could be referring to. She had no idea what Santana was trying to imply, but apparently Brittany was supposed to know, and everything was sort of weird right now. So was the tension between the three of them in this room.
There was an awkward silence, and Santana was glaring at her again, her hands in her sides, and Brittany was thinking, still holding Rebecca, and Rachel herself was contemplating whether or not she should just grab her duffel bag and leave.
And that was the exact time when there was a flush from the bathroom and the lock was turned, and out stepped... Quinn.
The blonde woman froze in the doorway, a hand on the door-handle and a surprised look on her face, and suddenly Santana's urgency to get her out of the door was making a lot more sense to the diva. Rachel herself... wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to face Quinn, most certainly not with Santana and Brittany right there. She needed more time, she needed to think, she didn't need... to see Quinn right now.
Although admittedly, what she was seeing was so gorgeous and beautiful in that jacket and those jeans and with that pair of worn Converse shoes.
"Quinn..." she breathed out, completely stunned.
And a light seemed to flicker on inside Brittany's head, "Oh! Because Quinn's here!" she shook her head, "Silly me. Come on, Sannie, let's just get Rebecca to bed and leave Quinn and Rachel alone." she reached a hand out and grabbed Santana's arm determinedly, before she dragged her out of the living room.
Taking a step closer, Quinn stood behind the couch with her hands on the back of it. "What are you doing here?" she softly questioned, and her eyes were flickering back and forth, like she was trying to take the entire situation in.
Rachel lifted her hand and pointed her thumb towards the hallway. "I was just... I mean, Brittany and I had dinner, and I... I was getting Rebecca ready for bed." she dropped her hand to hang limply by her side again and bit her lip. She was nervous. She was so, so nervous. She could feel her heart beat like crazy inside her chest, and she was getting chills all over her body. She couldn't comprehend this right now. She had this incredible urge to just run across the floor, jump over the couch, and kiss Quinn again.
The other woman was so beautiful. Rachel loved everything about her, truly everything. She loved her blonde hair, how it was so thick and luscious, she loved her hazel eyes and the way they could be so cold and hard one minute, then loving and warm the next. She loved her body; it was so strong and lean, yet it was warm and soft at the same time. She always felt like hugging it, cuddling her, holding her close and feeling her heart so close to her own. Why was Quinn so incredible? Why was she so so beautiful, and fantastic and sweet and smart and – and sexy?
Rachel could barely handle it right now.
"I was out with Santana." Quinn softly replied then.
Rachel nodded. She didn't know what to do or say. She didn't know how to explain to Quinn what had happened the other night, because she didn't even know it herself. She had to say something, apologise maybe, or at least try to. But she couldn't gather one thought in her head, she couldn't form a sentence.
All she could think about was... kissing Quinn again.
"I really want to kiss you right now." she blurted out in a whisper, because that was the only thing she could comprehend in her mind right now. The only thought that was remotely standing out among all the others.
A soft smile appeared on Quinn's face and she shyly brushed a piece of her short hair out of her eyes. "Really?"
Rachel breathed out unsteadily and took a step closer. "All I've been thinking about is you. I can't stop it."
Quinn smiled at her, and tilted her head to the side. "I can't stop thinking about you either." she paused, thinking, before she added, "That was an amazing kiss."
"It was." Rachel agreed, swallowing that lump in her throat.
"But this isn't good." Quinn whispered then, shaking her head softly, "This is far from good, Rachel. I think about you all the time, but..." she swallowed too, breathing out, "We can't do this, and we both know it."
Rachel nodded. She couldn't quite place the feeling inside of her chest right now, because there were so many conflicting emotions, she couldn't handle them all at once. All she knew was that she felt sadness, disappointment... anger and worry. Relief. She wasn't quite able to read herself, but the overall thought that was streaming through her head was: I am never going to kiss you again.
Quinn nodded too. "We should work on being just friends. I mean – it's inevitable, we'll see each other again. So let's focus on that. Okay?"
Rachel heard herself agree in a soft voice, even though she was nowhere near on the same page. She knew that Quinn was right about everything; that it was true, what she was saying, because they couldn't do this. She'd even come to that conclusion herself when she'd been thinking things over, and it had seemed so easy, when she was alone and not looking directly at Quinn, but now that the other woman was right in front of her... it seemed a lot more difficult than first anticipated. "Okay..." she whispered.
"Okay." Quinn agreed again.
Rachel turned around and grabbed her duffel bag from the floor, sort of confused and feeling all over the place suddenly. She knew she had to leave right now, she couldn't face Quinn another second, not like this. She felt everything welling up inside of her, and she just needed air, she needed to breathe properly. She slung the bag over her shoulder and gave Quinn a short glance, not wanting to meet her eyes. "I'm just going to... to go." she said, and before she had time to say anything else, she was out of the door.
She ran past the elevator, straight for the flight of stairs, as she heard the door smack close behind her. She knew she had been rude, not saying goodbye to Brittany after the lovely night they'd had, but she couldn't stay in that apartment for another second. She ran down from the fifth floor, taking the steps two at a time, and as soon as she was outside, she breathed in the fresh night air and leaned her back against the brick wall.
She bit her lip, trying desperately to hold back the tears, but just like earlier, she had them falling before she could even stop them. And this time they weren't just tiny drops rolling down her cheeks, no, this time she was full-on weeping on a public sidewalk. She wanted to stop, to not seem like such an idiot in front of all the passing people, but she couldn't, all she could do was pray that no one recognized her as the Broadway actress she was.
She was trying to get her heart to stop hurting so much, but it wouldn't. No matter how much she let herself wail right there, it kept on burning inside of her, and it felt like someone was trying to squeeze it tightly until it burst.
Clutching her bag tighter, Rachel turned and started walking quickly towards the subway. She had to go home, she had to go home now. This was hurting her way more than it should, and even though she knew that it was the right thing to do, she felt so heartbroken. The worst thing about this – and this was the thing that she really couldn't shake – it was the fact when she'd been changing Rebecca, thinking about kids, imaging her own family... she hadn't pictured it with Nick.
Quinn had been the one standing by her side.
There was something so wrong about that picture.
I am SO sorry about the delay with this chapter. I've just been busy working this past week, and when I finally had time to write, I felt a bit blocked. But today I finally wrote through it, and I actually ended up feeling pretty good about the ending right there. I hope that you enjoyed it, too? Please leave me your thoughts ;-)
So what does everyone feel about the new episode of Glee? I have so many thoughts on it... I was very impressed with Dianna in this episode, she really was the scene-stealer in my opinion :b Otherwise... I just felt like there was so much implied Faberry and it made me squeal!
Disclaimer; I do not own Glee.