I apologize for this chapter in beforehand… personally I hate it^^" I got into a writer block somewhere in the middle… so yeah. Actually I was panicing as I wrote this since I had to remember this and that and I couldn't check it after grammatical faults and such like I'm used to do.
Next chapter is going to be the last anyhow, but it's going to be a small (really short) epilogue after it.
Ivan left after a while and, to my relief, he also untied the restrains of my wrists. He left new clothes on the side of my bed, all folded neatly, before he left. I didn't touch them, didn't want to wear them. My old clothes were nowhere to be seen, but I wanted them back with the simple reason that I had gotten them with Peter. One second later I realized that was probably why he'd thrown away my clothes. I put my feet down on the floor that creaked gently under the unexpected weight. If Ivan was anywhere nearby he could easily hear that I'd gotten up. It felt somehow weird walking as I'd been lying down for a long time, and the floor felt cold under my bare feet. First I looked more closely at the windows, to see if there wasn't a crack somewhere.
There wasn't, but if I tried… I could probably pull one or two of the boards up enough to see a little bit more than this. But I didn't do it, not now at least, since Ivan would probably notice it the moment he got back. That wouldn't be any good. I pulled my hand down the wooden boards, hindering my sight of the outside world and winced slightly when a splinter stuck into my finger. I pulled it out quickly, checking so there was nothing left before turning away from the windows. Maybe this was for the best anyway. It would probably have felt even more locked in if I had seen the world outside. Now I only felt closed in and lonely. Not that I knew if that was for better or worse.
I walked along the walls, going past the writing desk and the door. I knew it was locked, Ivan had been extra careful to not leave it locked up, checking it twice before I heard him walk away. I couldn't hear him at the moment, but I guessed that he was still nearby in the house. Always there to make sure I stayed in my place, in this room. I continued and walked to the other door in the room, checking the doorknob to see if it was open. To my surprise the room the door was leading into wasn't a wardrobe as I first had thought. It was a bathroom. All of it was white just like the other room, except a mirror over the washbasin I walked to it hesitantly. I was not sure if I wanted to see myself.
The boy in the mirror looked tired, and sad. His eyes were red from crying, and I could almost see where the tears had run down his cheek. His skin was pale, and with that came that he looked sickly. It hurt me to see my own reflection like this, and I tried to smile, but the boy in the mirror only had something they would in my books I used to read call "a ghost of a smile". The more I looked at myself, the more the slight smile disappeared from both me and my reflection's face. How would I look if I was kept here for long?
For how long would he be keeping me here?
The bathroom suddenly felt way too small for me to be in, and I hurried out into the bigger one. I sat down in the middle of the room, trying to get my claustrophobic thoughts away. If Ivan got like he wanted it, I would probably never be allowed even outside this room. I closed my eyes, trying to forget the white, snow-colored walls keeping me prisoner. Peter. Would I never see him again? I hugged myself tightly, just as my mind was holding hard onto the picture of my friend. At least Ivan couldn't force me to forget him, could he?
I smiled, not like that fake smile I had forced on myself before, but a real one. Somehow my friends was still saving me, even as I was god knows how long away I was. Ivan held me captive, but it didn't stop me from dreaming. He couldn't stop me from remembering and believing. He couldn't take that freedom from me…
…right?
OxOxOxO
One of the most annoying things of being locked up was just that I didn't know anything about the outside. I had only seen a small glint of the corridor outside when Ivan had walked in and out before. Also, since I couldn't see outside I didn't know what time it was or even how much time it had been. Never being the one who could estimate time made me totally clueless of how many minutes that had passed and was passing. I was sitting at the edge of my bed, (no, not mine. It wasn't mine I tried to tell myself over and over), with my feet dangling a few centimeters over the floor. The clothes still lay beside me, untouched. I wouldn't dare to ask to get my old ones back, but just not wearing the ones he had given me was probably enough to give Ivan the hint.
I tried to listen after him, if he was in the house but I couldn't hear a thing. It seemed like the room was completely isolated, except the door. That meant I would only hear him as he walked in the corridor outside. So I didn't know where he was, and the only sounds I heard was my own breathing. There was also another feeling that came with the isolation, how anticlimax it may seem like, that special feeling was boredom. I was bored with nothing to do. I had already checked the whole room, not quite the bathroom since I was sure there wasn't anything exciting there. My gaze flew over the room, going past the two doors and the desk. Wait. There were some drawers on the desk that I hadn't checked yet.
I jumped down from the bed and walked over to the plain table. It had a chair standing halfway underneath, that kind of old that would probably creak if I simply poked at it. I looked from the bottom drawer up. First one, empty. So were the second and the third. But I felt it the moment I moved the fourth and highest drawer that there was something inside. Books. There were three of them. One of them seemed kind of easy, but in Russian, so I probably wouldn't get everything. The second was thicker and also in Russian, one grade harder I guess was the thought of it. The last one made me surprised though.
It was in Latvian, in my national tongue. I couldn't resist being curious as I opened the book at the same time I closed the drawer too. It was unbelievable that Ivan had gotten me a Latvian book, since while I lived in his house he wanted me to only speak Russian. I walked back to the bed, my eyes already locked into the book and I felt my mind drift off like it was used to do. This actually seemed interesting. As I read I could completely close myself of from the world, a small escape after a hard day. If I didn't get back to the soft mattress I would probably just sit down on the floor. From experience I knew that would start to hurt after some time. I climbed up on the bed, making the clothes on the side ruffle and fall from the perfect pile they had been in. In the artificial light from the lamp I could pretend I was somewhere else as I let my mind go.
The story was sad, and romantic. It was written so that I almost felt the tea smell mixing with the poisoned scent of roses. It had some random twists that just made you follow with the flow wondering just why and how things could turn out this way. It was also slightly frustrating when I realized something that the main-character had yet to get. It was as if I slightly tried to convince her to get it at first, but was after a few more twists just as lost as her. I felt so dragged into the book that I didn't notice the door opening and then closing just as quiet.
It was not until Ivan blew gently in my ear that I reacted. I yelped, almost falling over to my side in shock as I clasped the book and it closed with a small thud that sounded almost like a sigh. "Do you like it?" He asked, having a satisfied smile on his face. He knew I liked it and somehow that made me want to give up the book. Was I not letting myself be happy over any reason he gave? Probably not. That would feel like being the same thing as surrender, even though it really wasn't. I still didn't like him, there was too much to forgive that I just couldn't. But I decided to answer him honestly in the end.
"It's interesting." I answered and looked into the book so that I didn't need to look at him, and see that childish grin on his face. It was probably different knowing I liked it and hearing it from me. I regretted my choice for a moment as he suddenly gave me a light peck on my cheek and I flinched away.
His eyes floated over to the unused clothes now lying half of the bed. "Are you not going to change?" he asked as he saw them and seemingly remembered I was still in the pajamas. I avoided his glance and clutched the sleeves of the red fabric. He bent down and lifted up one of the clothes, a smile I could only see as creepy sneaking up on his face. "Or do you rather want me to help you?" I felt my body freeze even as my face got hot and surely red. He tossed me the tee-shirt and I caught it as it more or less landed on me. "I'll go away for a moment." He smirked, apparently amused from my reacting and walked to the door. "I expect you to have changed when I get back, 'key?" He smiled locked the door up, and then locked it again when he was outside. This time he only checked it once before I could hear his steps fading away to nothingness.
The blush stayed on my face as I weighted my choices. It wasn't hard. I put the book away softly on my pillow and slipped of the bed. Taking the other clothes, I walked to the bathroom trying to not drop anything. I looked after a lock on the inside of the door, and found one. But of course it was just for keys, and I couldn't just lock it without a key. Ivan probably had that too, meaning he could lock me up here if he wanted. I shook my head as the claustrophobic feeling came. I didn't have time. I had to hurry before he came back. I quickly changed to the white tee-shirt and black pants. It kind of scared me of just how perfect they fit.
As I put my hand back on the doorknob I slightly wondered if I wanted to go out and I hesitated. I couldn't escape, so it wasn't any point in trying to hide any longer. I was just glad that he'd gone out. If he had stayed, saying that it would have been uncomfortable would have been a major understatement. A shiver spread from my neck as I thought about it and quickly stepped out, trying to get away from the cold feeling. I didn't feel like sitting down on the bed again, but I left my pajamas there, folding it messily. I had been just in time.
His steps were heard again, and the moment after the lock was turned. There was a thought in my head as I realized he never knocked, before I got what a stupid thought that was. Why should he ask for coming into the room where he kept me prisoner. That didn't make sense. The lock turned again, this time to close and I knew he was inside the room. I didn't look at him, and concentrated on the nailed up windows instead, like they were the most interesting thing in the room. Honestly they were. Suddenly he hugged me from behind and I yelped, struggling purely from instinct. I gave up directly after knowing nothing would come from it.
I almost didn't hear him as he mumbled into my hair, but after I wished I hadn't. "You look good in those." His voice was satisfied and I could feel him smirking. I decided to not answer and go on with pretending he wasn't there. Like I wasn't trapped in his arms. He seemed to notice my sudden stillness and rose from my hair so that I could hear him clearly. It was a question that caught me unguarded. "Do you miss your brothers?" I did, but there was another thing that struck a chord inside my mind. I made a sudden pull and got away from him, turning towards him instead. My brothers. I didn't know where they were, and that was the reason that I had been supposed to meet with Feliks that day… How could I ever forget? My mind went blank for a moment before gritting my teeth, anger welling up.
"Where are my brothers?" I asked quietly, trying to suppress my voice so that I wouldn't scream. "What have you done to them?" My voice went up to a slightly higher pitch as I stared up at him. He answered with a kind smile; you could even call it honest if you wanted to. I didn't
"I let them go," he said plainly without any particular interest but I was still dubious about it as he continued. "I don't know where that Eduard is, since I simply dropped him off somewhere." Ivan didn't seem to have the smallest bit of problem telling me this, in difference to what I thought he would. "I didn't hurt him," The knowledge that I just got made me a bit calmer, even though I knew that you could practically add "that much" at the end of his sentence. My sense of calm was destroyed in a single moment. "Toris though…" he trailed of thinking, and I couldn't stop myself.
"Where is he!" this time I screamed, as I became worried for my oldest brother. Had he hurt him? He did say that he let them go… but still.
"Feliks has him," Ivan answered with a calm voice in contrast to my screaming. For a moment my world went still and my shoulders lowered a bit in disbelieve. What? No, it couldn't be true. He wouldn't do that, would he? I didn't want to believe it. "I said," Ivan continued and started to pat my hair to calm me down, as he noticed how shocked I was. "…that I would leave Toris alone if he helped me get you." Memories flooded my mind as I understood. That hesitating voice, the regretful look, this was what everything had been about. Ivan got down so he was at my eyelevel and kissed away tears that I hadn't noticed had started falling over my cheek and down on my clothes.
"Love is a dangerous thing, Raivis." He whispered, having an honest and serious voice. "That's just how much he loved Toris…" He cupped my cheeks and smiled lovingly, making my tears flow even more. As his lips captured mine, I didn't have the power to resist. "…and that's just how much I love you." He mumbled before pulling away with a pleased smile. It was probably since I hadn't pulled away from him. I didn't have the power too.
OxOxOxO
Feliks slipped out from the bed, trying to go as slowly and quiet as possible. The sun was barely shining over the horizon and the clock at his bedside table said that it was only five o'clock. It was early, but this was something he wasn't allowed to miss. Toris groaned on the other side and Feliks hurried over, to make sure that his lover didn't hurt his arm as he squirmed in his sleep. It had just started to heal after all. The brunet opened one hazy eye as he tried to wake himself up. That wasn't something good. Because if Toris knew… if he knew who Feliks would meet with everything would break apart. Luckily the green eyes weren't able to focus and the voice was just as tired as them.
"What time is it…?" He mumbled, though Feliks wasn't sure that he would hear the answer. But he couldn't leave without an explanation, even though he avoided the question.
"I just remembered something. I'll be back in a moment, you can just sleep." He kissed the other's forehead and tried to sound as normal and calm as possible even with his racing heart. He handed Toris a glass of water that he gladly drank without really thinking. The head plopped down on the pillow again, and Toris gave a weak smile, fighting against the increasing urge to fall asleep. Feliks watched how the eyes closed again, and the breath slowed down until he was sure the sleeping pills was kicking in and Toris was no longer aware of the real world. Hopefully Toris wouldn't remember this as he finally woke up again; otherwise Feliks would have to find a lie, and he hated lying to Toris.
Drugging Toris down like this was something he obviously dreaded. Eduard had called the day before, so he was obviously fine. Ivan had kept that part of the promise at least. Feliks had lied to Eduard as he called, or not fully lied, just avoiding truth. Since Eduard wanted to talk to Toris, with panic in his voice, Feliks had only said that Toris was asleep. The thing he didn't say was the reason Toris was asleep at the moment. He couldn't have Toris find out about Raivis right now, especially not from his brother since it would only end with Toris breaking. The day would come when Toris would find out, and would be broken. But then he could hopefully recover from the information. Now that wasn't possible.
There was a sting of guilt as he thought about the youngest of the brothers, and tried to comfort himself with the peaceful look on Toris face. It helped a little, but not enough. He sighted and exited their shared bedroom, and headed out, into the still cold streets. The city had yet to wake up, and that was maybe for the best. He didn't want anyone to see who he was meeting, and that was probably why Ivan had chosen their meeting this early. Surely he didn't want to be seen either. Feliks shuddered, not from the coldness around him but he sped up to keep his warmth.
He was only doing this to check up on Raivis, he told himself. Of course it was Ivan who had said that they should meet, Feliks would rather never see him again, but now he could probably make the guilt burning calm down. At least for a moment. There were just a few people out as he came to the place where they were meeting and he sat down on a bench. Some people were hurrying by to an early job, and some were probably returning home after a long night. Otherwise it was ghostly quiet, and he waited.
"Good morning." Feliks jolted as he heard the happy voice and Ivan sat down next to him. He seemed to be in a good mood anyhow. They sat pretty far from each other, like they were complete strangers just happening to be at the same place. Feliks glanced over to the other man, who was currently looking at the slightly lightening sky. It would be a beautiful day if it continued like this. He took a breath preparing, but Ivan interrupted before he even had begun speaking. "How is Toris?" he asked casually and with the exception of his mouth, he didn't move.
"Recovering," Feliks said, not wanting to go into detail, and he didn't think that Ivan was that interested in it anyway, though he seemed pleased with the answer. "Eduard is fine to," Feliks added just because and gat a nod as an answer, Ivan was still not looking at him.
"Have you told anyone of them?" the voice was still as normal and casually, but that didn't mean the question had no weight. Feliks answered without hesitation.
"No, of course not." He let his eyes leave Ivan and stare out at the building around. "How is Ravis?" Feliks wasn't sure if he should ask, but he knew he had to. He had decided that he had too. Ivan looked at him, with an expression telling him it was not Feliks's thing to care about. But he turned away again and there was a gentle smile on his lips. Lovingly, and Feliks felt how a shiver ran down his spine from it.
"He woke up yesterday; though I think it'll take some time until he's gotten used with living with me again…" he trailed off for a moment before finding his track again. "But it won't be that long before he accepts it, I'm sure of that." He did really sound confident, and Feliks clenched his fists. He couldn't stop the words that flowed out next.
"You can't force him to love you." Feliks wasn't sure what he was saying, as he knew he shouldn't test the grounds like this. But he was speaking the truth and he couldn't avoid saying it. The Russian didn't seem angry as he finally looked over to him, and to Feliks surprise, his smile got even bigger and it was even a little bit of kind. Like the kind you would give to a child that didn't understand something obvious. Ivan rose up from the bench, getting ready to leave. He still had that smile as he said, just before walking away:
"But he will learn to love."
That story Raivis reads is slightly based on a real one, one that my sister wrote some years ago. I wanted to base it on something real, so… and I loved that anyway.
That's all from me now!