A Little Jaunt

An attempt at the great outdoors for E-Dantes and a foreign country for CHiKa-RoXy

A Bed and Breakfast in Northern England

"What are we doing here?" Jason groaned, flopping down on his bed and staring at the ceiling.

"Bruce is meeting with a business partner who lives here in northern England, so we -." Tim replied, but was cut off by a curt Jason.

"That was a rhetorical complaint!"

Tim rolled his eyes. "Well, don't complain so much, Jason. We had a nice time yesterday, visiting that castle."

"Yes, Todd, and even you enjoyed seeing the two-headed goat at the museum," Damian interposed, looking up from his book with a glare.

"Yeah, okay, that was fine. But that's all this one-horse village has to offer. And I'm bored."

"Jason, please, this town has so much more to offer." Dick paused for dramatic effect. "There's an old medieval monastery about a mile from the town center. Let's go see it!"

"Seriously?" Jason rolled over and groaned into his pillow. "Just because you worked at some medieval museum for a hot minute doesn't give you permission to -."

This time Tim got to interrupt Jason. "Let's go. I have the map!"

"This can't be right," Tim muttered to himself in confusion.

"What's wrong?" Dick came up from the back of the group, where he had been lurking to make sure Jason didn't run off, and draped his arm around Tim's shoulders.

"Well, the map clearly says to follow this route," Tim pointed to the relevant section of the map, "but the footpath dead ends here."

"Hmm. And where's here?"

Tim gestured at the fenced-off area in front of them. "A cow pasture."

"Did you say 'cows,' Drake?" Damian asked with sudden interest.

"Yes, he did, Little D." Tim, on the other hand, continued to ignore Damian.

"I rather like cows." Damian-speak for "I love cows!"

"Yeah, well, too bad," Tim snapped with relish. "These are somebody else's cows, and we need to stay away."

"Don't be ridiculous," Damian retorted. "The path clearly goes through this pasture. Observe."

Damian gestured grandly at a slightly-worn dirt path, just visible beneath the large number of cows' hooves.

"I hate to say it, but the Demon Child is right," Jason commented dryly. "I see a path."

Damian crossed his arms and smiled smugly. "Tt."

"I don't know," Tim hesitated. "It goes through someone's property. We shouldn't trespass."

Damian waved his hand flippantly at Tim. "Maybe a mongrel like you shouldn't, Drake. But I am the scion of the Houses of al-Ghul and Wayne. I am crossing this pasture."

"Damian," Dick gently reproved, "don't say things like that to Tim."

But before Dick could request an apology, Damian had jumped over the stile and was making his way across the pasture.

"Well if that little shit's going," Jason muttered, jumping over the stile.

Dick and Tim exchanged glances. Dick then leaped over the stile, while Tim tentatively climbed over.

Cautiously, Jason, Dick, and Tim moved along the path. Damian strode confidently, as if he owned the place. Yet even he could only make it so far.

A large brown cow was blocking the path. She was standing right across the center of the dirt walkway; since the pasture was so crowded, there was no way for Damian to scot around her. That cow needed to move or no one was going any further.

Damian stopped a few feet from the cow and glared at her. She looked back.

"Dami, step away from that cow. She's glaring at you." Dick, Jason, and Tim had caught up with Damian and were standing a few steps behind him.

"Grayson, you're an idiot. Cows can't glare." Damian shook his head and then turned his attention back to the cow. "Move!" he demanded.

The cow gazed impassively at Damian. She had no intention of moving.

"Why you -." Damian muttered some expletives under his breath. Then he took a step towards the cow, hoping to scare her away.

But the cow was no coward. When Damian took a step forward, she took a step forward.

"Uhhh," Dick said inarticulately and uneasily. Jason and Tim both took a step backwards.

Damian and the cow were now locked in a stare-down. For several seconds they just glared, boring into each other's eyes. And then, the cow took a step forward, towards Damian.

Dick gasped.

The cow took another step forward. And then another, all the while staring Damian down.

"I'll save you!" Dick shouted, scooping Damian up as though his brother were a toddler, turning tail, and running for the safety of the other side of the fence. By the time Dick reached the stile, Tim and Jason were already safely on the other side, having dashed for cover the moment Dick shouted.

Dick passed Damian over the stile to Jason, who set the littlest Wayne on his feet while Dick hopped over to safety.

"Grayson, what was that nonsense?" Damian demanded hotly. "I had everything under control."

"Under control!" Jason scoffed before Dick could reply. "That cow was about to stomp all over you."

"Ridiculous! I cannot believe my father would tolerate such idiots! It was a cow."

Tim shook his head. "No, it was a demented cow. Look." He pointed, and all four boys clearly saw that the cow was still staring at them.

Jason let out a low whistle. "That is fu-."

"Let's find a different path, shall we?" Dick interrupted. He hated it when Jason used "really bad" swear words in front of Damian.

"Sure." Tim the Tour Guide glanced at the map. "There's another path on the opposite side of the river."

"Great. Let's go." Dick started herding everyone towards the new path.

"If I'd known I'd still have to go to this stupid monastery, I would have let that possessed cow kill you all," Jason muttered.

Ten minutes later, the Wayne foursome was strolling along the other path. This one was closer to the river and had a substantially better view, although it would take a bit longer to get to the monastery.

"But just think, if we hadn't been threatened by that cow, we wouldn't have taken this path and seen this great view!" Dick valiantly tried to cheer his brothers up.

"Yeah, I guess so." Tim was still a bit disconcerted over the cow.

"That cow was not threatening us," Damian insisted, throwing another stick into the river. He enjoyed watching the currents grab ahold of his sticks and whirl them away – not that he would ever admit that this new path was better. Someone in the family had to be braver than a cow.

"Sheep ahead," Jason announced abruptly.

"Is that some kind of code?" Tim asked, looking at his map.

"No, Replacement. Sheep are ahead. Get your nose out of that damn map and look."

Jason was correct. Not ten yards away were dozens of sheep, placidly munching on grass.

"But, but, this is where the path is!" Tim spluttered. Not more livestock!

"Well, the path must go through these sheep, just like it went through those cows." Tim glared at Jason, who shrugged. "What? I don't make the rules."

"You just break them, right?" Dick joked.

"We can't all be obedient ass-kissers, Goldie."

"So are we going to walk through that herd of sheep?" Tim queried.

"Timmy, surely we can handle a few sheep. They're not nearly as dangerous as cows," Dick reasoned.

Damian "tutted" in derision.

"But we'll be -," Tim lowered his voice, "- trespassing."

Jason rolled his eyes. "Then let's just hope Farmer McGregor doesn't come out with a hoe and chase us down."

Tim stood there for a moment, warring with himself. Should he turn back or trespass on the farmer's land? He wanted to see that monastery, but he hated to break too many laws.

"We'll be fine, Timmy," Dick assured him.

"Okay," Tim agreed. "But let's make it quick."

And so the four moved forward. They were half-way through the meadow when Tim looked up and saw a farmer approaching them.

"Gah! We've been discovered!" Tim frantically looked around for a place to hide, but all he saw were sheep and grass as far as the eye could see.

"Shit," Jason murmured.

"Do you think we'll go to jail for this?" Tim whimpered (but in a manly way).

"You are pathetic, Drake," Damian hissed, even as he stepped behind Dick for protection.

"Jail!" Jason scoffed. "What if he has a gun?"

"A gun!" Tim gasped.

Dick held his hands out. "Guys, calm down. We're in England. He won't have a gun."

"Well, he has a pretty big walking stick with him," Tim commented. "And I left my bo staff at home."

"No worries. I'll just turn on the Grayson charm."

"We are doomed," Jason predicted.

Dick, very maturely, stuck his tongue out at Jason before turning around and waving to the farmer.

"What are you doing?" Tim hissed, visions of a Dickensian prison dancing before his eyes.

"Hello, boys!" The farmer called back jovially, using his walking stick to part the sheep like he was Moses at the Red Sea.

"Hello, sir. We're looking for the abbey. Are we going the right direction?" Dick grinned.

"Yes. Keep going until you reach the old wooden bridge. Cross the bridge and the abbey's right there on the other side of the river."

"Thank you."

"Where in the States are you boys from?"

"Gotham City."

"I haven't been there, but I have a cousin who lives in New Jersey." Dick raised an eyebrow. That was the fourth person they had met this trip who had relative in New Jersey. Were British people required to move there?

"We're pretty close to there."

"Well, I hope the sheep didn't bother you. You boys probably don't see too many farm animals in the big city." The farmer chuckled a bit to himself.

"No, sir. And I hope we didn't disturb your sheep by … umm… trespassing on your land."

"Trespassing? You're on the public footpath."

Dick was confused. "But isn't this your land?"

"Oh, sure. But the government can put a footpath wherever they like and you have to let the public use it." The farmer laughed a bit at the boys' confused expressions. "The sheep don't mind!"

"Oh." Dick paused, letting the information sink in. "Well, thank you, sir."

"Enjoy the abbey!" The farmer moved away and the foursome continued to walk along the path.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Jason turned on Tim. "We weren't even trespassing! You got us all worked up for nothing."

"What! You were scared too!"

"I was not," Jason insisted.

"Yes, you were. You thought maybe he had a gun!"

"I was mocking you!"

"No, you weren't."

"Yes, I was."

"No, you were-."

"Enough!" Dick interrupted. "We're at the bridge."

The abbey rose majestically from behind the trees on the other side. Although it was now in ruins, you could tell it had once been an impressive structure.

For the next hour, Dick regaled his brothers with the minutiae of life in a medieval monastery. Jason was cursing the day Dick had ever been hired at the Cloisters, but Damian and Tim actually seemed to appreciate the history lesson.

But all that goodwill evaporated when Dick's spiel was over. Tim wanted to take the "sheep path" back, while Damian insisted on the "cow path". They agreed to a game of rock-paper-scissors to decide.

Damian won.

"You cheated!" Tim shouted.

"I did not. You're a sore loser, Drake."

"Am not. And you did to cheat!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!" Soon the shouting match degenerated into a wrestling match. As the two younger boys struggled with each other, rolling around on the ground, Jason turned to Dick.

"I say we leave them here."

"Jason, we can't do that."

"Tim has the map. They'll be fine."

"I'm not worried about them getting lost."

"Come on, we'll play our own game of rock-paper-scissors. I win, we leave without them. You win, and we'll be all responsible."

Dick smiled wanly. "Don't tempt me, Jason."

"Come on," Jason encouraged.

"Well…."

"Okay, throw on the count of three," Jason ordered. "One… two… three!"

I basically had this happen to me. I am scared of cows.