Derek didn't speak to Kristy. He didn't want to. Especially when he could smell the sweet smell of alcohol on her breath. He didn't want to know. She was giggly. Smily. Derek looked out of the corner of his eye in the bed. He didn't want her to know he was awake. She had obviously had a good time. And he was secretly hoping she would have a better one. With someone else.
Derek laid there in the bed quietly. She went through her routine. One that he knew painfully all too well. She changed and pulled the blankets back, climbing beneath. He heard Kristy sigh as she laid her head on the pillow next to him. She wanted to talk. He could tell by the way she was tossing. By the way she would huff quietly. He was waiting. It was coming.
"Derek. I know you're not asleep." She said as she looked over at his face. "Your breathing changes. It's not something you can fake. I know you. Just admit it."
"I'm awake." He said with a moan. "Where were you?" He asked, not really caring. Admittedly, he was curious, for lack of any better stimulation.
"I was out to eat with my friend, Mer. We had a good time. Then we went to Joe's." She said with a smile as she snuggled up to him. "And now, I'm horny." She said as she tugged on his ear with her teeth.
"And I am tired." He said as he pursed his lips.
"Why? Why can't we just have sex. Like normal people. It's been so fucking long. I can only do so much myself." She whined.
"Kristy...I just...I can't. I--" He stammered.
"What? Do you have erectile dysfunction or something?" She snapped as she looked over.
"Yes." He couldn't believe he said it. It was a lie. A huge lie. In fact he was far from having erectile dysfunction. One look at a picture of Meredith and a fond memory and the flag was flying high. It was her, it was Kristy. It was the guilt.
"They have medication." She said as she looked over.
"You think I don't know that?" The lie was becoming real as he defended his fact symptom. "Side effects. So you had a good time tonight?" He said, changing the subject.
"It was fun. It was...different. In a good way." Kristy explained.
"That's nice." Derek said as he looked at the inside of his eyelids.
"It was. For the first time, in a long time...I just...I felt human." She explained with a sigh. "She's so sad. I don't know how to help her. She seems to be coming along. And then she's not. Whoever hurt her...they hurt her bad."
"That's not good." Derek said with a sigh. What the hell was he doing? He didn't care about her friend or her problems.
"Yeah. She just needs to move on. She needs to find happiness. She just waits. She won't admit it, but she waits. I actually think that she thinks he will come back. It's been over a decade. He's not coming back." She said with a frown.
"Why do you care?" He asked as he opened his eyes and looked into her blue ones.
"What?" She said with confusion.
"Why do you care about her?" Derek asked. He was getting irritated.
"I just do. She's a nice person. She needs my help. I want to make a difference." Kristy explained softly.
"But why? Nothing you say will matter. Maybe she doesn't want your help. You meddle. Maybe she wants peace. Maybe she's happy being miserable." Derek pointed out.
"Like you?" Kristy asked with a huff.
"I don't want to talk about it." Derek mumbled.
"Of course not. You never do. You like to be miserable. I think you are perfectly happy being a dick." She snapped.
"Do you think I like being unhappy? Do you think I like to suffer daily? I hate it. I want to snap out of it. But I can't. It wouldn't be right. I don't deserve to!" He said as he closed his eyes.
"Derek...just...just talk. Let it out." She told him as she rubbed his shoulder.
"What are we doing?" Derek asked as he looked over at her. "What are we doing here?" He looked at her shocked face.
"What do you mean?" Kristy said with a frown.
"We aren't happy. Neither of us are happy. I'm not. I won't be. I can't make you happy, and quite frankly I don't have the energy or the will to try. This is...why?" Derek muttered.
"What? I'm happy. I am happy." Kristy said in shock.
"No you're not. And I am not. This is a waste of time. We need to end it. We need to end our suffering." Derek said frankly. He watched as his wife crumbled in front of him.
"No, Derek! I love you, I love you. I don't want-- I need you. I need more time. We can be happy. I can make you happy!" She cried as the tears flowed. "Please. Don't give up. Not on me. Not on us..."
"I'm leaving tomorrow. I have a consult. I should be gone for a few days." He said quickly before he rolled over. "Goodnight." He said as he felt the bed shake. Her tears flowing freely as she grasped to hope, praying he didn't mean it.
------------------
Meredith stumbled out of Kristy's sedan and to her door. She took the chance. She pushed herself beyond where she wanted to go. She went outside her realm. And she didn't die. She didn't suffer. It wasn't bad. She put herself out there. She stuck her foot in the water. And she survived.
Meredith poked at the keyhole. She was just slightly impaired. Maybe a little more than slightly. It was apparent as she jabbed and jabbed at the keyhole. She even bent down and closed an eye to get a better look. Finally she managed to get it open. She was shocked when she looked in and saw a few lights on. She fished around for the mace in her purse. Someone was here and she was going to get them. Armed with her mace, she moved her way into the kitchen. The refrigerator door was open. The criminal was eating. Stupid sucker had no idea that she didn't have food.
"Hey!" She shouted. The figured quickly stood. She pressed her finger down on the trigger. It didn't go down. "Damn-it!" She shouted as she worked on it. She finally looked up. "Mark!" She said as she realized who it was.
"Boy, I'd love to be a burglar in your house. I have more than enough time to get you." Mark said with a laugh as he pulled out a package of turkey and started making a sandwich.
"Stupid thing!" She shouted as she pushed harder.
"It's locked." Her said as he grabbed it away. "And I'll take it. Before your spray yourself in the eyes."
"Hey!" She shouted. "Hey! What the hell are you doing?" She asked as she watched him grab some bread.
"It's called eating. You should try it sometime. Much better than living off of tequila and cheetos." He said with a smirk.
"Tequila and cheetos are fine." She retorted. "Where did you get this stuff. And more importantly, why are you in my house?" She asked as she walked up.
"Well, you invited me. Even gave me a key." He reminded her as he threw the meat on the bread.
"I gave you a key for emergencies." Meredith pointed out as she weaved. "The food?"
"I bought you groceries. Someone has to take care of you. You obviously don't!" He said with a laugh as he took a bite. "So, you smell like you bought the bar..."
"I'm good." Meredith said as she grabbed a glass of water.
"Uh huh." Mark muttered as he put the mayonnaise, bread and meat away. He began walking to the living-room.
"What are you doing?" Meredith asked as she followed him. She watched him plop down on the sofa and eat.
"Hanging out. Friends do that, you know." He responded as he flipped the channels on her t.v.
"When they're invited. Friends do that when they are invited. You're intruding." She whined as she sat down next to him.
"You know you want me here." He told her quickly as he shot her a grin.
"If I did, I would tell you." Meredith told him loudly. She grabbed his sandwich out of his hand and took a bite. "And I do not." She said with a full mouth.
"Hey! That's mine." He said as he pulled it back.
"You shopped for me, remember?" She asked as she laid down and put her feet on his lap. "And if you're going to hang out, I demand a foot rub." She told him frankly.
"I'm beginning to think you're the type of friend that takes advantage." He said with a chuckle.
"I am." She told him with a giggle.
"So did you have a good time?" He asked her after he swallowed his last bite.
"With Kristy? It was okay, I guess." Meredith said tiredly. "She complains about her husband a lot. But it's so much better than talking about me." Meredith explained.
"You needed a chick to hang out with." Mark said as he looked at her.
"I have one... You." She giggled as she shoved her feet at him. "Rub!"
"Grey...you are still a pain in the ass!" He said as he rolled his eyes.
"I know." Meredith said happily. "Hey...have you talked to Addison lately?" Meredith said, and immediately regretted it.
"Um...Well, no. Not since- It's been a long time. But I heard she was in Los Angeles." Mark said, somewhat surprised that Meredith brought it up.
"I miss her." Meredith said quickly. This was uncharacteristic of her. Especially lately.
"What did you drink?" Mark asked out of curiosity.
"Um... Apple martinis and jello shooters." Meredith said with a giggle.
"No tequila?" He asked, laughing at the way the different alcohol affected her.
"Nope." She told him with a smile. "Ohhh...harder!" She moaned as he kneaded her feet.
"You know, I'm not the one that should be rubbing your feet." Mark pushed, praying he wasn't pushing too far. "That should be Derek..." He immediately sucked in air, waiting for the storm.
"Well, he made it clear that he didn't want that." Meredith muttered grumpily.
"What do you mean?" Mark pressed he watched her face scrunch up.
"He walked away. That pussy just freaking walked away. It got tough, and he just left me. He couldn't stick around..." She said, getting angry.
"What? Derek wouldn't do that..." Mark said in shock.
"He did. "See ya, later Mer. Don't want to stick around for this!" I just... I thought he loved me. Oh, Mark...I thought he loved me!" Meredith started to cry.
"Oh, Mer..." Mark said as he grabbed her arm and pulled her up against him. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." He said softly. Now he was regretting bringing it up.
"Yeah, well, I need to get over it. He did. Now I will." Meredith said as she straightened up.
"Mer-" Mark said, reading her hostility.
"No. Don't. Don't Mer me. He left me. I don't care about him. I don't care where he is. I don't care what he's doing. I've suffered. And I hope he's suffering too." She spat out as she stood up and stormed off.
"I'm sure he is..." Mark moaned as he watched her walk off. "Positive."
Mark knew Derek. He knew how they felt about each other. He knew that Derek wasn't the type to walk away when it got tough. He knew that Meredith was the love of his life. He knew how crushed Derek had been. And in the back of his head, he couldn't help but wonder if he had a very good reason for leaving.
----------------
Derek woke up early. This was something he was looking forward to, but at the same time, he was dreading. Part of him was hoping she wouldn't be there. Hoping there was a huge misunderstanding. Hoping that he would wake up tomorrow and find out that she was there all along. That it was a horrible dream.
Derek met Addison at the airport. He was so grateful that he had her to go along with him. For so long, he was used to doing things on his own. Used to suffering in silence. But Addie, she made him feel better. She gave him a faint ray of hope.
"Addison, you know I appreciate this, right?" Derek mumbled as she sat beside him on the plane.
"Derek, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else." She said as she patted his hand.
"It's nice. It's nice to have someone that gets it. Someone who knows what happened." Derek said with a sigh as he fastened his seat belt.
"Sometimes you just need to talk. To get it out." Addison explained as she looked over at him. "Do you talk to Kristy. She's your wife, right?" It stung to hear her say it. He felt guilty. Like he shouldn't have moved on. But he didn't he didn't really move on.
"Yeah. Kristy, she's great. But she's not Meredith. I know it's wrong. God, do I know...But I hate her. I hate her because she's not Meredith. And I won't talk to her. I wont; let her know. She doesn't deserve to know Meredith. She's a great person, she's just--" He stated with a sigh.
"She's not your person." Addison suggested.
"Exactly." Derek said with a nod.
"Do you mind if I ask you a question?" She asked as she studied his face.
"Anything..." He told her honestly.
"Why did you marry her? If you hate her, why marry her?" She asked dumbly with confusion.
"Mom." Derek stated quickly. "It was my mom. Kristy and I... I met her at a bar. I was sad, and drunk. So drunk. Tanked. Completely out of it. We went home, we had sex. That was it. It was stupid. It was a mistake. I hadn't slept with anyone since...well. And if I hadn't- Mom was in town. Kristy kept calling and calling. I'm still not sure how she got my number. Mom convinced me to call her back. She said I needed to move on. I did. I thought maybe she would be some miracle cure-all. She wasn't. Not even close. I tried. Everyone loved her. The whole family loved her. I just fell into the trap. We got married. It was a small wedding. Even as I said "I do", I knew it was the biggest mistake of my life. I figured I had suffered all that time, why not continue. The sad thing is, she really loves me. She really cares." Derek said sadly.
"Oh, Derek..." Addison said with a frown.
"I told her last night that something had to change. That I was going to change. They we needed t figure out what we are going to do. Mom's against divorce, but I can't do it. And she's too nice to suffer alongside me." He told her as he looked at his blackberry.
"At least you know. At least you can admit it. A lot of people can't." Addison told him.
"I've known for three years." He admitted as he took a sip of his drink.
"I'm sorry this had to happen. In my wildest dreams...I never would have thought it would be like this..." She muttered as she looked at her own blackberry.
Addison and Derek remained in a comfortable silence for the remainder of the flight. Addison could see that he was hurting. She knew he needed to get it out. But at the same time, she knew Derek. And Derek didn't want to get it all out. His self-destruction was all too evident, and there was nothing she could do. The pain was boiling inside of him. She was hoping that just maybe seeing Meredith's grave, seeing that she was gone would help. Maybe it would bring him back from the dead.
Derek and Addison grabbed a rental car from the airport. He didn't realize how many memories were going to wash over him. The minute his feet touched the soil, he was hit hard. He had promised himself that he would never come back here. Never come back to the place that took her away.
"So where to first?" Addison asked as she climbed into the passenger seat.
"We should probably drop our things off at the hotel." Derek said as he started the engine. "Maybe get something to eat. Take a nap. I think we should start tomorrow." He said quickly. The truth was that he didn't want to go. He was dreading it. It was overwhelming.
"Derek..." Addison said as she sighed. "I know what you're doing..." She told him frankly.
"Addie, it's three in the afternoon. We won't make any progress today. Not to mention the flight took everything out of me." He said as he pulled down the familiar street.
"Oh, so when you do a consult, do you require one full day of rest?" Addison asked sarcastically.
"This is different, and you know it!" He said quickly with a huff.
"Tomorrow is fine. But I did not come back here to do nothing. I did not take off work to sit in the hotel. Derek, you are not backing out!" She shouted as she looked over at him.
"I'm not. I am not backing out. I need to know." He said quickly. "And tomorrow, we will know."
Derek drove down the road with distraction. Addison could see it. He was on edge. For good reason. This was a big step. But it was necessary. He felt too much guilt. Guilt about not being there when she died. Guilt about not going to the funeral. Addison was just hoping that this would help. Seeing her name on the stone, may make a world of difference.
Addison snapped back to reality as she head Derek gasp. His foot hit the break, causing them both to fly forward, barely caught by the seat belts. She watched him. He was frozen. Completely frozen. She screeched when she heard the screaming brakes coming from behind. The car came to a quick halt. The color drained from Derek's face. He quickly opened the door and vomited.
"Derek..." Addison said in shock. Then it hit her. "This is where is happened, isn't it?"
Derek didn't have to answer. She could read it on his face. She watched as he drove off, white knuckled from the intersection. She didn't know how he did it. Just seeing his face, it was apparent that the struggle going on inside was a daily one.
"I'm just going to go to my room." Derek said as he carried his bag down the hallway. "If you want to go out to eat, we can... But--"
"It's not a big deal. Room service suits me just fine." She said with a smile. She knew he was in no state to go out. And she also knew that at the moment, he truly did need to be alone.
"Thanks, Addie." He muttered as he opened his door with the card and walked away.
Derek collapsed on the bed. He couldn't take it. He couldn't face anyone at the moment. He just wanted to be alone. He wanted to sulk. He wanted to be miserable. He laid there on the hotel bed, just wondering how it ended up this way.
Derek woke up at eight in the evening. He couldn't sit in the stuffy room anymore. He grabbed his wallet and his key card and walked out. He needed some air. He needed to walk. He needed to think. He walked down the road on auto pilot. His mind somewhere very far away. He looked up in shock at just where his feet had carried him. He walked over to the step and sat, head in hands.
[i"We're actually doing it!" Meredith squealed as she jumped out of Derek's car. Derek smiled at her excitement. "They're here!" Meredith bounced as she looked over at the moving truck. Derek climbed out of the car and made his way to the the building, opening the door.
"Let's go up." Derek said with a smile as he grabbed her hand and led her up the stairs and opened the door to their new home. "Do you like it?" He asked as they looked around the modest apartment. "I know it's not what you're used to."
"Derek, it couldn't be more perfect. And you are here. I can live anywhere, as long as you are by my side." She said with a smile. "I love you, future Dr. Derek Shepherd." She said as she jumped into his arms. "And this is one of the best days of my life."[/i
Derek's fond memory of the apartment soon faded. It was quickly replaced by the memory of his last day. The day he picked a few of his things up and left forever. The day when he ran away. When he chickened out. He put his hands over his face as he began to cry.
"Are you okay, sir?" A man asked as he walked up to the steps.
"Um... Yeah I'm-- I'm fine." Derek stammered as he looked up at the man.
"Are you sure? Can I help you?" The older man asked with worry.
"I used to live here. Upstairs." Derek said as he glanced up.
"That's mine now." The man said with a smile. "Would you like to take a look. Reminisce?" He asked him.
"I can't." Derek replied quickly. "I shared it with my girlfriend. She died." That stung. He never said that. He never admitted it. Never she's dead. Never she died. He never spoke about that.
"Oh, I'm sorry." The man said sympathetically.
"Thanks..." Derek muttered as he stood and walked off.
He was amazed at how far his feet had carried him. Every look down the road brought back a memory. He had a head full of them. That was how he went on daily. He would close his eyes and think of her.
Derek crashed into his bed. He was exhausted. Physically and mentally. The walk had done him in. The crying wore him out. And the memories drained him. He had never been so happy to lay down in a strange bed in his life.
Derek awoke early, ready for it. Sleep had brought him peace. Although he did awake in the middle of the night as always, in a cold sweat, the dream hadn't been so graphic. He took a quick shower and dressed. Derek finished bucking his belt when he heard a knock at the door. He quickly walked over, knowing it was Addison.
"Drink this. And eat this." She said as she handed him a cup of coffee and a muffin.
"I'm not really hungry." He muttered as he grabbed them both.
"Too bad. We aren't going anywhere until both are consumed." She said with a grin as she sat in the chair.
"You are a pain." He grumbled as he took a bite.
"This is what Meredith would want. Someone taking care of you." Addison said as she looked at her BlackBerry.
"Don't. Addie, don't tell me what she'd want. Please, let's not talk about her right now." He said as he looked down. She glanced up at him and back down without saying a word.
"Okay, let's go." He said as he grabbed a piece of paper and the keys.
"Right behind you." She said as she followed him. "So where to first?"
"Well, there are a couple in Hanover. I think we should go there." Derek said as he looked down the paper.
"Sounds good." She agreed as she followed him to the car. "It would be better if we didn't have to do this at all." She said, then immediately regretted saying it.
Derek drove the whole way in silence. Neither spoke. Addison knew better at the moment. He was on edge. On edge for good reason. They both looked at the sign as they pulled into the cemetery. Derek followed the drive, pulling in front of the office. Addison followed him in.
"Can I help you?" The old man at the desk asked as they walked in. Derek felt sick. The small building was stale. It smelled of death.
"Yes. We were hoping to find out if someone is here. Buried here." He clarified shakily.
"What's the name?" The old man asked as he looked up.
"Grey. Meredith Grey." Derek responded.
"Hmm. I've worked here a long time. Don't remember that one. Let me check." He said as he walked away. Derek's heart pounded. He had no idea what he was going to say. He felt his palms becoming sweaty. "Nope. No Meredith Grey here." He said with a faint smile.
"You're sure?" Derek asked, praying he would say that he was sure.
"Positive. You have a nice day." The man said as he watched them walk out.
"This is good, right?" Derek said with hope.
"Derek. Just because she isn't here-- Just don't get your hopes up." She said with a frown.
"There is no hope." He said as he dropped his head. "I know she's dead. I know."
Addison and Derek travelled to the next cemetery. Addison didn't attempt to speak. She couldn't. She was praying Meredith would be there. She was praying he would be put out of his misery. He had to be. It was torture just watching him. She frowned at the woman said there was no Meredith Grey. One left. At least in the area. they didn't know Meredith. They didn't know her family. She could be anywhere.
Addison smiled as they pulled into the cemetery with it's iron gates. It was beautiful. Well-kept. Both of them thought that of she were dead, this was where she deserved to be. The flowers were beautiful. The grounds were well manicured. Derek pulled up to the office. This one was warmer. Newer. Softer. It just felt better.
"How can I help you?" A middle aged man asked as he glanced up.
"I need to find out if someone is buried here." He said quickly. This felt different.
"No problem. What's the name?" He asked with a grin.
"Meredith Grey." Derek said as his heart beat out of his chest. His pulse quickened. Sweat formed. He was scared.
"Ahh...Grey. G-R-E-Y, Meredith?" He asked as he glanced up. Derek nodded his head in disbelief. "Just around the corner. Follow the drive to where it splits. Go left. She'll be in the back. By the lavender. You're the first to come and see her in a long time..." He said quickly.
"Thank you." Derek managed to choke out.
When they climbed into the car, Derek lost it. The tears flowed fast and hard. He was broken. Addison was in shock. This was more intense than she had ever seen. Not just out of him. Anyone. After several minutes he quit crying and started the car, making his way down the drive. He glanced through blurry, teary eyes off in the distance. He saw the lavender. How fitting. She loved lavender. It was her scent. How fitting that she lay next to it.
"Do you want me--" Addison started.
"I need to do this alone." He said as he climbed out of the car.
Derek felt a force pushing him in all directions. He couldn't believe it. It was so much. So much was going on inside of him. Every step was painful. Every step was full of uncertainty. He walked until he reached the stone. It was large. All he had to do was glance through his tear filled eyes. Derek collapsed onto his knees and to the ground. Meredith Grey.
------------------
"Why are you still here?" Meredith whined as she walked into the kitchen with a moan. She quickly grabbed her neck and back. She was surprised to see him still in her home.
"I stayed in your guest room. It's not like you use it anyway." Mark said with a shrug as he took a bite of his cereal.
"Not for you. The guest room is not for you." She said as she poured her coffee.
"I have to say that bed is comfortable. I'm thinking about just staying." He said with a signature grin.
"Staying. As is staying?" She asked in shock.
"Well, I was going to work up to it, but sure. You need someone to take care of you. Plus you have the extra room. The hotel sucks. It's a win win." He explained.
"More like a win lose. Me being the loser. You can't stay. I like being alone." She said loudly.
"You need someone to keep track of you. It's not like you bring guys home... And if you did, I wouldn't care." Mark said nonchalantly.
"No." She told him.
"Aren't enjoying that already made coffee?" He asked as he watched her take a sip.
"Now I didn't say that." She said with a smirk as she sat down. She opened her bottle of pain pills and threw a couple back.
"You could have that daily." He pointed out. "Those things will kill ya." Mark said as he grabbed the bottle.
"Only if I'm lucky." She said with a chuckle.
"That's not funny. Do you really need these?" He asked as he shook the container.
"What do you think?" Meredith said with a frown. Mark closed his eyes and moaned.
"Yeah, I guess you would." Mark said with a look of pain. "So why did he leave?"
"What? Who?" Meredith said as she sat up straight in her chair.
"Derek. Why did Derek leave?" Mark pressed. Her face dropped quickly.
"I said I didn't want to talk about it." She said as she stood up from her chair.
"Last night you did. Last night you were very talkative... Last night you said he left." Mark pushed as he stood up with her.
"Damn-it, Mark! It's non of your goddamn business!" She shouted as she started to walk away.
"It is. It is because I'm your friend. Because I love you. And he was my best friend. And now he's not because of-- He isn't the kind of guy that leaves. Derek does not leave. Not with out a damn good reason." Mark spat. Meredith stopped walking and glared at him.
"Well he did. I guess he didn't love me." She said as a tear fell down her cheek.
"What the hell happened?" Mark said quickly. "What happened before he left."
"I don't know he just--" Meredith said as she covered her face.
"Did he leave before or after they pulled the--" He started and his pager went off. "911...shit. I have to go." He said as he threw his shoes on and opened the door. "Oh, and good morning."
"Yeah. Good morning." She grumbled.
Meredith walked down the hallway in a hurry. She was busy, beyond busy. Back to back surgeries all day long. She couldn't get the conversation out of her head. Derek isn't the kind of guy that leaves. Not without a reason. But he did leave. He did leave without an apparent reason. He walked away. He said he loved her. Then he walked out forever. Meredith glanced at the surgical board. She and Dr. de Gaulle had a coronary bypass graft scheduled in an hour. Just enough time for her to grab a coffee and sit down for the first time today.
"Mocha latte and this." Meredith said as she pushed a chocolate muffin over.
"That;s a lot of chocolate." Adrien told her.
"I like chocolate." She said matter of factly.
"That'll be 3.75." The guy said quickly.
"I've got it." Adrien said as he fished the cash out of his wallet. "And I'll have a double espresso."
"I can get my own coffee." Meredith said as she glanced up at him.
"I'm sure you can. But I can too." He said in his thick accent.
"Well, thank you." She replied. "But it really wasn't necessary."
"Not a problem." Adrien said as he followed her to the seats. They both sat down. "So are your ready for this?"
"A CBG, of course." She said with a nod.
"Good. Grab one of your interns. Make it Carter." He said as he glanced over.
"Sure thing." Meredith agreed. "I think he's more interested in cardio than anyone else."
"I have to go check on a patient." He told her as he stood.
"Thanks for the coffee." Meredith said as he walked away. She laid her head back and sighed. Her neck was killing her. She heard the familiar pop as she rolled it around.
"So did he do it?" Kristy asked with a huge smile, as she walked up.
"Who do what?" Meredith muttered as she drank her coffee.
"de Gaulle. Did he ask you out?" She asked as she stared a hole into Meredith.
"What is this, high school?" Meredith answered as she rolled her eyes. "Besides, he's not like that. He's not interested."
"Sure. de Gaulle is smitten with you. All the nurses thought he was in the closet. He never talked about a girlfriend or wife. But he's talking now. Talking about you..." Kristy told her happily.
"Okay..." Meredith said, unbelieving.
"This might be your chance. He might be the guy to make you forget about that loser asshole." Kristy said happily.
"No. No guy. No attending. No boyfriends. No dates. Nothing." Meredith replied firmly.
"Mer, it's time you give it a chance. You deserve to be happy. Promise he if he asks you, you'll at least give it one chance..." Kristy said as she grabbed her arm. "Please... I know what I'm talking about."
"That's why you're in a loveless marriage." Meredith spat. Kristy gave her a dirty look. "You said it, not me."
"Come on..." Kristy asked.
"Fine. A drink. One drink. Then never again. Never." Meredith said as she stomped away. She didn't know why she cared. She knew he wasn't going to ask. There was nothing to worry about.
---------------
Addison sat there and watched her friend from the car. She watched as he ambled over to her grave. Her fears were confirmed when he collapsed. She hadn't expected that. She hadn't expected him to fall apart. Derek Shepherd was hard. He was a guy who didn't cry, didn't care too much. Sure, he had feelings, but he had never let them show. Apparently that had changed. Apparently, fourteen years ago, Meredith had changed him.
Addison felt like her heart was breaking along with his. Meredith had been like her little sister. She always felt like she needed to protect her. And she had always protected her. But then she failed. She left. She went off to college. Meredith knew she had to go to college, but it still hurt to see her go. A tiny thought in the back of her head was hoping that it was all a bad dream. Hoping that Meredith would just walk in one day and giggle her sweet giggle.
[iRight about now if i'd found the right words to say
I'd tell you you're safe and take hold of your hand
I'll be there by your side for the rest of your life
Our bodies could fall off the end of the world[/i
"Mer, I am so sorry." Derek sobbed as he laid his head on the fresh green grass. The faint smell of lavender ensnared his senses. He felt like she was laying right beside him. He felt as if he could reach over and grab her hand.
[iSomething told me we'd be happy forever
I don't see how this could change any of that
I will follow your ghost as it climbs up the rock-face
And lie with you on the grass above[/i
"If I had more time. If I could have made you listen. You would have come back. I didn't have time. There wasn't enough time..." He cried. It was hard to imagine. She was just beneath him. Laying in a box, hands folded. Quiet. Still. Cold. Dead.
[iAnd i'd like to change all this
And i'd like to wake up from this
By your side[/i
"Everyday I wish it were me. You could still be here. Maybe you'd be happy. Maybe you'd moved on. Maybe you would have done so much more than I had. I can't. I'm stuck. I can't forget you." Derek said softly. "Because I love you too much."
[iHow did we ever survive for this length of time
Living with only one care in the world
But the light that shines from her whenever she's happy
Is worth every minute that we've saved ourselves[/i
[iAnd i'd like to change all this
And i'd like to wake up from this
By your side[/b
Derek had always thought he could get her to come back. They said there was no brain function. They said she was gone. He didn't believe it. She was in there. He had matained the same thought the whole time. She was in there. He didn't care what the monitors said. He just had to reach across the gap and bring her back. And he could have...if he had more time.
[iMaybe there's a hope in just one final second
A flash of her love as she waves us goodbye
Don't torture yourself with what we might have given
We did everything that we could ever do[/i
Addison felt the tears burning her face, smearing her make up. She didn't care. She glanced over at Derek again. She had to go over there. She couldn't leave him there. Not like that. She thought it would help. She thought it was best. Now she was truly wondering if she was right.
"Derek?" She said as she quietly walked up. "Der..." She said as she looked at him with pity. He was a sight for sore eyes. A puddle of mush. She looked sadly up at the stone. Her eyes bulged out in shock. "Derek! Get up..." She said quickly.
"Not now, Addie, not now!" Derek said as he glanced up.
"Derek, you fool. Look at the stone!" She said as she pointed to the stone with her perfectly manicured finger.
[c[bMeredith Elaine Grey
March 20, 1924-August 28, 1975[/b[/c
"That's not her!" Derek said in a somewhat relieved shock.
"No shit!" Addison said as she stared at the stone.
"But-- Who-- Who do you think that is?" Derek said as he stared at it, reading the dates over and over again.
"I think it's her grandmother." Addison said as she stared at the stone. "When was Meredith born?"
"1974." Derek said quickly. "Oh my god, Addie. Oh my god."
"Derek. Don't!" Addison said quickly. "Don't get your hopes up." Derek pulled himself to his feet and walked over to the lavender plant, breaking a piece off and placing it on the grave.
"This is grandmother. Wouldn't she be buried by her family?" Derek asked with hope.
"Derek. That doesn't-- I don't mean to be harsh, Derek... She's dead. You know she's dead. We just need to find where she is. And you refuse to speak to Ellis Grey. She could be anywhere. They may have cremated her. Derek, we don't know. This was just the most likely place, but it doesn't mean anything. Don't do it, Derek. Don't do this to yourself. Don't have hope when there isn't even the chance." Addison said as she pulled him close. "You know she's gone."
"No, Addie. She just-- She doesn't feel gone. I never felt like she was actually gone." Derek said quickly as he walked to the car. Addison quickly ran around the side and jumped in.
"We need to go home." She said as she glanced over at him. "I'll do it."
"Do what?" Derek snapped as he threw the car into drive.
"I will talk to Ellis Grey. I will find out." Addison told him.
"Addison..." Derek said as his voice softened.
"I will talk to her. I'll ask her. Then we'll know once and for all." Addison said firmly. "This has become a wild goose chase. It's crazy. We tried. There are other ways to find out, and this is not practical."
"You're right." Derek said with a sigh. "She's gone. Damn-it. I don't know what's wrong with me. All these years-- It's like all of the sudden I've lost my mind. I just need to accept it. Meredith is gone, and she is not coming back." He said sadly. He hand drifted done to his pocket, feeling the earring. "Let's stop at the hotel and grab our things. I want to go back to Seattle. I want to get the hell out of New Hampshire." He said as he drove. "This was foolish."
"Okay." Addison agreed with a frown. She was amazed that he had changed his tune so quickly. That he had went to swearing that she was alive, to swearing that she was dead. Maybe it had finally hit him. This wasn't a new thing. It was a conspiracy. It wasn't as if they just found out. They knew. In their hearts, they both knew. And now Addison would talk to Ellis, and ease their minds, once and for all.
Sorry I posted the wrong one...