Chapter 9 - One that understands your worth
Sirius and Remus were posing as a dog and its walker. Remus wandered the vast countryside of Devon in a thick winter robe with a huge, but still amiable, black dog. They had spotted his scent here on numerous occasions, and now they were conducting a far more thorough search. It was laborious, to say the least, and lonely, as Remus didn't have anyone to talk to – dog Sirius did not count! Many a time he would get a funny look for talking to his furry friend.
The Devon countryside was filled with wild rolling hills and knee-high grass. The sky was clear and pale with the occasional silhouette of lone trees in the distance, which showed how hard the wind blew on that winter evening; it blew right through the thick cloak that was pulled tightly around Remus. It was bitterly cold, just after Christmas. In fact, the threat of snow loomed over them as the sun sank behind the hills soaking them with its golden hue. There wasn't a soul in sight, and so Sirius and Remus put their combined noses to work, desperately trying to catch the scent of Pettigrew. Aside from the wind, it seemed to be a peaceful night, but Remus wasn't calm. He was on edge, the smell that they had been following seemed to be growing cold already, and it was high time that Peter was in custody. Remus had in the last few days been able to smell their old friend; Peter stunk like he always had—it was distinctive to Remus after all the full moons that they had shared together—it was the smell of dust mixed with the overwhelming body odour of a person that had a nervous and sweaty disposition.
For weeks they had been skirting around the same broad area knowing that there was a residence nearby; however, they had been avoiding it. There was so much uncertainty in the Wizarding World these days and so when approached witches and wizards alike were shutting down, and were on the whole, very untrusting. Today Remus planned to try and approach the residence stealthily; he would throw a ball for Sirius in that direction. It was not the most sophisticated approach, but he thought it was by far the least imposing.
"Come on, boy, fetch!" he shouted as he launched the ball.
Sirius took the hint and silently bounded off towards the home of a family of wizards, not that Sirius or Remus knew much about that. Remus followed briskly, pulling his cloak around him as another gust of wind blew the cold to his bones. It wasn't long before he was met by a tall, sturdy wizard with flaming red hair.
"Good day, sir?" the red headed wizard asked.
He had a friendly voice but was clearly wary. Remus saw how the man looked at him; there was a questioning, almost scrutinising look in his narrowed eyes. The man was guarded, his arms folded across his chest, and he moved away from his home, seemingly to safeguard the occupants within. He seemed to be a family man, it was in the little details; discarded toys in the garden, numerous brooms leaning against the house—and perhaps more pointedly—the teddy bear that was peeking out of a pocket in his robes.
"Hullo!" Remus shouted keeping his tone light, as regardless of this man's allegiance he wanted to appear to be a friend. If Peter was being protected here, he felt for sure this wizard could not be trusted. "Lupin is the name, and yours?" he asked.
"Arthur Weasley." he smiled. "We don't usually get unknown visitors around here?" the man asked, without asking, for more information.
"Ah yes, I'm not from around here. I have been travelling with work," Remus' voice light despite the man's clear suspicion.
"Yes, it's just, you know… we like to be careful. I have children, and we don't want any bother," Arthur pressed Remus, being a little more direct.
Remus took a moment to think back on what he knew of the Weasley family; they were rarely part of the Pureblood agenda—despite being a pureblood family—and they were often drawn up to being blood-traitors because of their affection for Muggles. It was these simple facts that led Remus to take a chance, a chance that this man would not be on the other side of the war, and that he could be trusted, and maybe even become an ally.
"Yes, I, uh–understand." Remus paused, thinking. "Do you have proof you're a Weasley? It's just – I am concerned who I would be able to trust in these parts, as you say, I am not from around here."
"Usually the colour of my hair is good for most," the man laughed, pulling off a pointed hat. "But if you need proof to be more open, you can check my wand?" And with that Arthur held out his wand, the tip pointing towards Remus.
"Cognosco."
Then rising from Arthurs wand was the glittering, smokey image of the man before him, the man that owned the wand. Letters then emerged after the picture of Arthur—who smiled and waved—giving all of Arthur's details; his wand, name, and even occupation was listed.
"Ah yes. I use unicorn hair too, though I do favour a cypress wood." Remus smiled leaving his wand where it was.
"Cognosco."
Remus knew what it would show, but left his wand there anyway. He was used to the reaction, but what could be done? By hiding his lycanthropy, Remus could serve a long custodial sentence in Azkaban, but by being open with the wizarding world he received a hefty amount of judgment. It wasn't that this didn't bother Remus, because it did, but Remus had a family. He had his parents, but also Lily, Sirius, the rest of the Order, who took him as he was and knew his character despite his condition. Again, thin tendrils of smoke fluttered from his wand showing a more reserved wizard than Arthur, he merely smiled. Details of the wand followed, along with the other piece of information.
"Oh! You're a–er, an erm," Arthur stuttered, suddenly unable to make eye contact.
Remus' head sank. He was used to this reaction after all. "A werewolf," he whispered, and there was almost a hint of shame in his tone. "I use a potion called Wolfsbane," Remus continued, his head still bowed. He was the one unable to meet Arthur's eyes now, a man who now looked more sympathetic rather than showing any sign of aversion.
"When did it happen?" Arthur asked, his voice low but it brimmed with kindness as he attempted to meet Remus' eye.
"I was five." Remus busied himself, slipping his wand back into his robe pocket. "See, Werewolves weren't registered back then, but there was one Werewolf called Fenrir Greyback–he was somewhat notorious." Remus lifted his head slightly, yet he still refused to meet Arthur's eye.
"You're Lyall's son." His eyes were wide with recognition. "I heard the story; your father was a brave man, as a father myself, I just can't imagine." Arthur trailed off, unwilling to contemplate such thoughts.
"Yes, my father did his best to get Fenrir imprisoned, he was known for targeting people, and for relishing in the bloodlust that overtook him each month. As payment for my father's words at the Ministry of Magic, Fenrir Greyback targeted me. I do not blame my father. And thankfully, Albus Dumbledore made arrangements so I would still be able to attend Hogwarts." Remus smiled a weak smile.
"I think we can trust one another." Arthur smiled holding a hand out to the younger wizard.
Remus shook the offered hand, and he was filled with wonder at being accepted so readily. It was incredibly rare—regardless of the story behind his condition—as many feared and rejected him due to his status as a Werewolf.
"My condition has too strong a link to those who favour the Dark Arts," Remus replied, a look of shock on his face.
He followed Arthur a short distance through the dusk to his family home. As Remus got closer he saw just how strange the house was; it was large, though it jutted out at various interesting angles, it was like more 'house' was added as and when it was needed. The house leaned, towering over the garden like it might topple over at any minute. It was built from stone and brick with fantastic rustic beams which gave it a quaint, homely feel, if not a little quirky. Remus found it warm, inviting, and just like the red-headed man, friendly.
"Molly, dear," Arthur called, "we have a guest."
A woman walked out of the kitchen; she had the same flaming red hair, she wore a pinafore over her flowery dress, and her wand was sticking out of the front pocket. There were more signs of young children, the house was littered with toys and mess.
"How about a pot of tea then dear?" she asked warmly, as Remus walked into the kitchen. "Your pet dog, does he need some water?"
Sirius took the opportunity to change back to his human form.
"I'd rather have a cuppa too, thanks." He smiled, Arthur and Molly's eyes were wide,
"This is my colleague and friend – Sirius Black." Remus smiled. "We're kind of incognito," he whispered.
"Well, tea it is then." Molly started working in the kitchen – she was clearly planning more than a spot of tea.
"How can we help you then?" Arthur asked.
"We have been tracking a convicted murderer, Peter Pettigrew. His scent has led us to this area, and we wondered if there was anyone around here that would er– sympathise with his current predicament?" Sirius asked.
"Well the Lovegood's are a bit odd, they live just over the hill, but I can't see them siding with anything dark. They're just a bit– you know– loopy," Arthur mused. "The Diggory's are close by too, but again I think that's barking up the wrong tree."
Molly was back at the table with tea and warm, seemingly freshly home-baked biscuits. The aroma filled the kitchen, and somehow they felt even more welcomed than they had before. It was clear they were not a wealthy family, but Sirius swore if Molly opened her own bakery, she would soon be able to buy Malfoy Manor itself.
"I know he's been around here, Remus, I can smell him as soon as I change. Maybe he's hiding? Or– I dunno?" Sirius mused as he dunked another biscuit in his tea and took a huge bite. "That being said the scent isn't as strong as it was before Christmas!"
"Like I say, the Lovegood's are an odd family. Xenophilius writes a magazine; something called 'The Quibbler,' have you heard of it?" Arthur added.
"Yes. Not really what I would call my kind of publication," Remus joked.
"Well, he's the kind of person to believe a tall tale, so is Pandora really! Is Peter smart enough to convince them to protect him?" Molly asked, sipping her tea. "They believe some strange things and if he can get a good story; 'Peter Pettigrew: Framed' Xenophilius would eat it up, even something as foolish as an unknown beast invaded his brain! You know the kind of crackpot theories he comes up with, right, Arthur?"
"Yes, the 'Crumple-horned Snorkack."
Remus rolled his eyes.
"He's a bloody idiot. I doubt he could fool even that prat!" Sirius blurted.
"Actually," Remus interrupted, "we have underestimated Peter more than once." He looked pointedly at Sirius. "We made him the Secret Keeper for the Potters when You-Know-Who marked them for death. We never considered he could possibly be the spy, but he had been passing information from the Order for over a year. Once we found out, he managed to outwit this one again, and that's how he is missing!"
"If I know Xenophilius, and he believes some crackpot story, he'll protect Peter, no matter what. I would put all my Galleons that nothing would shake his belief. If you have to investigate this, it would be better to go even more incognito! Maybe it would be better if it's not you who goes looking."
Sirius scoffed, "If Xenophilius has believed Peter then he's a bigger idiot than I thought."
"About as big an idiot as you then," Remus added. "Stop underestimating him!"
"What if I organise a playdate with little Ginny and Luna?" Molly offered. "I'll just keep a little eye out, and then I can let you know if there is anything suspicious? Anything worse investigating."
"Now wait just one moment Molly," Arthur began, "if this fellow killed twelve Muggles, the chances are he won't bat an eye at you and Gin!"
"Now you listen to me, Arthur Weasley." she scolded as she pointed her finger in her husband's face. "I know more than cooking and cleaning spells! If that man is around here, I want him away from my children!" She glared at her husband. "To keep his cover, he can't go around killing innocent women and their children. If he's got two brain cells to rub together, he'll try hiding. I will just see if I can spot anything!"
Despite being a Gryffindor, Arthur was clearly not brave enough to stand up to his wife. Molly decided what she would do, and that was final. They arranged to meet in Hogsmeade a week later, and she would give them a report in private. Remus and Sirius planned to meet Albus and tell him everything that they had found.
A week later Remus and Sirius were waiting to meet Molly in Hogsmeade. The little village was just how they remembered it, but thankfully it was much quieter, clearly not a weekend when the Hogwarts students were out and about. They had meandered to some of their old school haunts, reminiscing, wondering at much had changed. The village had been filled with happier memories, memories of friends together, but they had lost half. James' death wasn't their only loss, to be here again for the sole purpose of hunting down Peter—their friend, who had betrayed them—was heartbreaking.
Eventually, they made their way down Hogsmeade highstreet and found the familiar pub. The doors were wide open, and familiar sounds of the public house echoed in the streets. It was carefree, something that had been so rare, but was just starting to creep back into wizarding society. The pub was a welcoming site, and they were soon inside with a pint of butterbeer—for nostalgia's sake, of course—sat waiting for Molly Weasley.
Remus again was very confused. "I can smell the scent again, it's fresh!" Remus stated. "It's like he's going between the two places – constantly!"
"Hogwarts!" Sirius exclaimed. "He's a stow-away."
At that moment Molly arrived. Neither Sirius or Remus was surprised that she had nothing to report. Soon they were off, ready to further their investigation.
The dungeons had always been a safe haven for Severus, mainly when he was a student, and now as he hid away from choices that he had made. He often felt that he had escaped all consequences for his actions, and his role as a spy was just a way of hiding away, just as he had as a student in the dungeons.
His hideout just happened to be his private chambers. He sat before his desk, which was littered with various essays and vials of multiple potions or varying qualities, his expression said it all. When he felt the heat in the inside pocket of his robes, he pulled out the small black notebook. Opening the journal, he found a message;
'Hi Severus, Remus here. We need to arrange an order meeting. We've got intelligence on where Wormtail could be.'
Severus smiled, it was an excuse to see her again. In an instant, he cleared the potions and essays into black work bag and made his way to the Floo.
"Hayworth Farm," he spoke clearly as he stepped into the fire.
Green flames surrounded the tall man and his billowing cloak, in an instant he vanished from one fireplace and shortly found himself in her kitchen.
"Lily!" he called, it didn't take long for her to appear.
"Severus," she smiled. "What brings you here during the week?"
Turning her back to him she put the kettle on, pulling cups from the cupboard.
"I got a message from Remus. I knew you were concerned with them being gone so long…" He watched her busying herself, and continued, "He asked that we arrange a meeting for those that are still in the Order."
"Are they ok?" Lily busied herself pouring the tea and adding sugar. "What's the meeting about?" she asked, concern filling her tone.
"They just have some information on Peter Pettigrew's whereabouts. He didn't say anything else." He reached over, placing a hand on her arm comfortingly. "I'm certain they are ok." A rare smile played across his lips.
"Thank you for coming," she said, smiling, her other hand gently finding his, a slight blush to her cheeks. "Tea?" Turning away again she picked up both cups, and they moved to the table. Severus unloaded some of his essays from the bag and the potions that went with them. "How's school?" Lily asked.
"Too much work," he said, gesturing to the piles in front of him.
He took a sip of his tea and pulled an essay towards him, and taking ink and quill from his bag.
"Want help?"
"You're too nice to mark essays. You could test the potions though? I make notes on what's wrong, and far more rarely, right, with each one."
"Too nice?" she questioned brightly.
"Far too nice. I fail at least half of my class – they would die of shock with the grades you would give!" He looked at her, and she laughed at him. 'Musical' he thought to himself.
"Okay, quill?" she asked.
Passing her one from his bag, Severus began making copious notes and scribblings on the essay in front of him. Lily pulled a potion towards her and noted the student's name and started making notes, pulling the stopper she sniffed the potion and coughed.
"Fail!" she spluttered, replacing the stopper on a vial of gloopy green potion.
"Maybe you've got the makings of a Potions Master after all!" He smiled for the second time.
"So when can we sort this meeting then?" she questioned, remembering his original reasoning for being there. "Some time you're free from your Hogwarts duties?"
"Not this weekend, I'm supervising in Hogsmeade. Easter break? I was going to come back to the house then," he asked.
"Brilliant, I can spread the word; Order meeting, Easter break," With that she put her head down to the task before her, the evening was filled with stolen glances and secret smiles. Harry was sound asleep.
Lily, Severus, Sirius and Remus were gathered in the magically enlarged living room, mismatched chairs were spotted around for all the various members. So far only Arabella Figg had arrived, and her task was mainly to occupy a very fussy Harry in his bedroom. Arabella was a squib and was only able to do so much; however, she had become a trusted babysitter for Harry.
"What time did you say, Lil?" Remus asked.
"I said seven," she glanced at her watch, "It's only seven-ten now," she added walking into the kitchen putting a kettle on.
She fussed over a tray of biscuits and cakes, collecting mugs and a large teapot. She was rushing around the kitchen still when the fire roared to life, and Aberforth walked out. He was an elderly man that looked so much like Dumbledore he could have been a twin. Aberforth had the same twinkling blue eyes and white beard, though he was a fair bit chubbier than his tall and slender brother.
"Lily," he strode over to her and enveloped her in a hug.
Many others followed him out of the floo, Dedalus Diggle, Elphias Doge, Mundungus Fletcher and Frank and Alice Longbottom. They were all gathered in the kitchen, many of them wondering why they were called, after all, the war was over.
Lily wanted to control how they found out that Severus was here. It was still generally believed—and encouraged—that Severus had hoodwinked his way out of Azkaban. The news that he was one of them had not been shared with the wider members of the Order yet. Lily knew it would go about as well as a Hippogriff in a china shop, so she was a little on edge.
"Emmeline Vance isn't able to make it; apparently a lot is going on around the Ministry at the moment. Mad-Eye won't make it either, but I believe Albus is going to have another meeting to go over things with them next week."
"Well, that means we are just waiting on Dumbledore, Hagrid and Podmore?" She asked.
"Ah yes," said Aberforth, "Though I believe they will all be coming together shortly. Where are Lupin and Black?" Aberforth and the others made for the door,
"Ah, sorry! If you could wait for Albus. It's just we have a new member in there," she paused then added, "Dumbledore approved … Obviously."
Curiosity ignited within the group. They did not have time to force the issue as there was another sudden flash of green from the fire and out walked Albus with Podmore.
"Hagrid is coming now– not enough space." Albus smiled.
They stepped out, and the fire flashed green again, out walked a massive man with a shaggy beard.
"LILY!" he smiled pulling her into a huge, warm hug.
She looked like a child in comparison to the giant of a man, and possibly like he was going to break her back. She smiled, hugging him back. The rest of the room stood, waiting, expectantly.
"Well, I guess we should go through. Please bear in mind that this is Albus approved!" she finished nervously.
She pushed the door open and walked into the large living room. Severus stood there, flanked by Sirius and Remus. It seemed that the differences that Sirius and Severus sometimes had were put aside, if only for a short while.
It didn't take long for the group burst into outrage.
"Snape! In the order! No!" It was Podmore that made the most noise, but many others were complaining just as loudly.
"No! I can't believe it," Dedalus added.
"BE QUIET!" Alice Longbottom bellowed.
The atmosphere in the room instantly changed; no one spoke, and all attention was focused on the one that shouted, Alice. She pointed at Severus, and finally, she continued.
"Without that man, my husband and I would most likely be dead, or worse! Now past mistakes are past mistakes. He has my forgiveness. He has Lily's and clearly Albus', Sirius' and Remus'." she paused. "Maybe you want to hear the man out before you call for his execution?"
With that everyone sat down, though they eyed Severus with suspicion.
"Severus, I feel Alice makes a valid point." Albus took a large comfy armchair, he was completely composed. "Those who know your story, are ready to trust and move forward. Maybe they too should hear your tale."
Severus' scowl said it all.
"I did work for– Him. I collected intelligence– mainly. I cannot deceive you, though" he paused. Severus' face was stern, his jaw clenched. "I have been responsible for deaths, however indirectly; from information that I have provided and potions that I brewed. I have been responsible for potions that tortured or allowed those who took them to stay conscious for more pain than is normal to bare. I told Lily, Remus and Sirius that if you forgive me, you should know what you are forgiving."
He paused, half of the people in the room looked at him like he was vermin, and he couldn't hold it against them.
"I will tell you briefly what led me to defect." He cleared his throat. "I had overheard some intelligence about Him, and I didn't understand it. I didn't even hear it all, but I turned it over to ... Him. It was then that I learned that this intelligence would lead to Lily and her family's death."
He paused for a long moment, composing himself.
"I care for Lily," he paused again, all his sentences coming out staggered and nervous. He was nothing like the Severus they all knew, so sure of himself and forceful with his words.
"We were friends as children. I couldn't save her where I was, so I went to someone who could, Albus. I would give everything to save her, and Albus set up protection which you are all aware of. I realised Peter had betrayed her– erm– them, as I was in the room when he revealed the secret. As soon as I was able, I went to the Potters to tell them. I tried to protect them all. I managed to keep my cover, and if he were to return, I would maintain my role as a spy for the Order," he finished.
"Well, if is' good enuf fer Dumbledore, is good enuf fer me."
Hagrid was the only one that spoke, but his sentiments seemed to talk for at least part of the room. However, not all. It was clear though that they weren't going to question Albus. Albus' face was relaxed, smiling, it was an expression that said: 'end of discussion'.
"I'd like to point out that firstly he left before Voldemort fell. Secondly, his intelligence has already saved Frank and me not to mention Harry– again!" Alice added.
"I wouldn't say we had been saved," Frank retorted, bitterly.
"And that is on me," Sirius spoke up.
Severus looked at him in shock. He knew that it was Sirius' fault, but for him to admit it, surely Sirius was growing up.
"I spent time accusing Severus rather than listening to him. I only gave his words any credence after Alice was taken. You can't hold that against him, can you?"
"I'm not gonna lie," Sirius continued. "I don't like him, we barely get along, but he isn't a Death Eater. He changed before there was any sign of Voldemort losing his power seat, so that's good enough for me."
The room was silent, no one was looking at Severus now, all eyes were fixed on Sirius. This man had a legendary hate for Snape, it had come up more than once.
"Anyway, we are here to talk about something entirely different, let's not waste time questioning our friends." Remus knew just when to divert the attention, though there were a few faces made at the word friend. "We have information about the whereabouts of Peter Pettigrew. Obviously, we know that he is an illegal Animagus and that he turns into a rat. We believe he is travelling with an unknown student to and from Hogwarts, probably from the Devon area. We spotted the scent first around Ottery St Catchpole. He could also just be sneaking into luggage, either way, he seems to be staying hidden within the wizarding world. Probably to keep track of what's happening."
"O.K. Well, Albus and Hagrid work there, they can find him can't they?" Podmore suggested.
"Not likely, he's a rat!" Severus had his usual sarcastic tone. "We need someone who would recognise this particular rat, that means Remus or Sirius or Lily."
"Animagus have defining marks, that's all that Albus, you or Hagrid would need, Snape." Podmore sneered at him.
"REGISTERED Animagus have markers, however, Peter, Sirius and James were ILLEGAL." He sneered back.
"Oh yeah, turned over a new leaf this one!" Aberforth mocked.
"I think that means that we need either Sirius or Remus in Hogwarts," Albus interrupted before Severus could start an all-out sneering war with his only brother. "Lily is to remain as inconspicuous as possible, in the Muggle world, with Harry."
Albus looked around the room, waiting for someone to question him, which they never did.
"I am certain that I shall have a Defence Against the Dark Arts post coming up in the new year." Albus smiled. "I think we should all consider which member would be best suited and reconvene before the Hogwarts summer holidays."
"Personally, I say Remus and I don't see that changing," Severus spoke up. "He might actually be able to teach the students as well as find Peter. My confidence isn't in Sirius who has been outsmarted twice already." He smiled at Sirius, it was a sarcastic, curled lip, kind of a smile, the kind that was more common with Severus.
"I do want people to take the time to think it over, Severus. I think that is all we need to discuss. It's good to know that the Order is still able to function in times of peace, maybe we might even keep the peace with a bit of luck." Albus smiled a bright and serene smile as he got up, the others following suit.
Only Alice lingered, waiting for the rest of the Order to file out she walked over to Severus.
"I wanted to thank you, Severus, from what I hear things could have been so much worse!" She smiled a warm smile. "You know she really cares about you, she just needs some time. A lot is going on in that head of hers, and her heart!" she put her hand on his shoulder squeezing slightly. "But I would really like to see her happy again."
Alice then followed the others and left the living room to go through the floo.
"Wait!" he said, following her to the kitchen. "I have a thought, hold Frank back."
Slowly everyone went through the floo system until only Frank and Alice stood there with Lily and Severus.
"Squibs can't use the Floo," he pointed out, bluntly.
Frank's jaw stiffened, his irritation all too clear. As much as Severus really meant no offence—in fact, he intended to be kind—he was not a people person.
"You misunderstand me; Aberforth had to take Arabella through. I thought it would be a good idea to see if you are able to go through, alone." his tone was still blunt, but his intent was clear; he wanted to give Alice something to hold on to. He tried to give her some hope, in repayment for her faith in him, though he knew he didn't deserve it.
"Frank, if you can Floo alone that would indicate that you would still able to perform magic–that there is something that can be done."
He looked at Frank, whose disdain and anger slowly faded, only to be replaced with suspicion. Severus knew this was the way that it would be, for now. Usually, he would be angry and bitter about it, but Lily's soothing presence, and more importantly, her trust eliminated his natural reactions. Frank stepped into the fire, he grasped a handful of Floo Powder and with a look of resignation he threw it into the flames.
"Barnton House," he muttered.
There was a rush of noise as the flames turned green, and he was gone.
"See, Alice, there is hope." Lily smiled.
Alice couldn't contain her own smile as she followed her husband. She was filled with just a little more hope.
Severus was not the most social of men, and when at Hogwarts, he rarely interacted with the other teachers. He prefers to remain alone, though he would never admit it, or say it out loud, he felt far safer that way. That was why he sat alone in his study, much like he did on most nights at Hogwarts. He sat in his high-backed leather chair, facing the fire with its brightly burning embers. Tonight, his mind was not focused on choosing solitude or the reasons behind his aloof behaviour. His mind unsettled and focused on the one person that he would give up his solitude to be with.
Things had been said, words had been spoken to him that could not be taken back, and Severus was stuck contemplating them. He tried in vain to decipher hidden meanings and agendas, ways in which he could be tricked or made a fool of. This was usually the purpose behind the kinder words that people spoke to him.
'You know she really cares about you, she just needs some time.'
The thing was, Alice was not the only one to speak to him on the matter. Alice inferred that he was the one to heal her hurts, that he would be the one to love her. He would do that in a heartbeat. Lily's words haunted him too, they fit with everything that Alice said, but he could not be sure that he was the one she wanted to accept her. He couldn't be sure that she wanted to move on with him.
'Is that awful? that I want to move on after just a year?'
'What man could accept that Severus?'
His mind was working on overdrive. Severus had a reason to go to her; a reason he should go to her. He was a smart man, and he could connect the dots; that was not the issue. The problem came when he thought about what was truly going on her mind. Would he be acting too soon, or maybe Alice was wrong, or she wanted him to do something soon just so Lily would push him away. Alice seemed to trust him, but she would have good reason not to, and she would want to protect her friend. Again, it comes down to what was going on inside Lily's head.
He had seen how torn she was on Halloween, the problem was what was she torn between? It was implied that it was being loyal to James and moving forward with him. Severus couldn't believe that, no, not him. He plucked up the courage walking towards the fire.
"Hayworth Farm," he said, his tone filled with determination. He then threw down the Floo powder and with a flash of green he was gone.
Lily was up in little Harry's room. He played in the corner with his chunky crayons, drawing everyone with abnormally large heads, stick arms and stick legs–all the brightest colours where used. Lily was putting away all his tiny clothes while listening to Harry who had become quite talkative;
"Mama, see ma dawing." He waddled over holding up a picture.
"OH Harry!" she beamed. "This is beautiful!"
She picked up a colourful drawing with four figures, and what looked like a dog. They all looked reasonably the same, but the smallest had to be Harry. There was one with long orange hair, that would have to be Mummy, of course.
"And who are these?" Lily asked, pointing at the other figures,
Harry pointed at one all in black and said, "NAPE!"
Next, he pointed at the giant head with red lines running through it.
"EMUS!" he declared with a huge grin on his face.
Finally, he pointed at what looked like a black dog, and shouted, "SIRI!" Harry clapped then swinging his arm and pointing at the dog. "SWOOOSH! aaaaand POOF!" he giggled, and then went back to his drawing.
With that Lily heard the Floo and shouted, "Upstairs!"
Already, she could hear footsteps on the stairs. They were steady but quite like the one who was approaching was used to concealing themselves. Lily went back to her tidying when he walked through the door of Harry's room,
"NAPE! NAPE! NAPE! NAPE!"
Harry jumped on the spot shouting the name of one of his favourite visitors. He bounded over to the man pointing at the drawing of the man, and continued shouting, "NAPE!"
Lily turned watching the man crouch before the little boy.
"Wow Harry, this is a– er– beautiful drawing," Severus replied awkwardly.
He wasn't the most comfortable with Harry, but he did his best. The little boy started to pull at the man's signature robes, one of the things that defined little Harry's drawing of the man.
"Do we not need to make my nose bigger?" Severus asked.
Harry laughed saying, "Ery ery big!"
"And to what do we owe this pleasure?" Lily asked, smiling.
"I need to speak to Remus. I was going to start brewing another Wolfsbane this month. I needed to speak to him first about... alterations."
Severus was happy he had this reason, so it wasn't like he was always there for her, just to see her. After all, he was a man that didn't want to feel like the girl of his dreams could smell the desperation on him.
"He nipped out to the corner shop, but he should be back any moment."
Lily continued to smile. She tried to rain it in, but couldn't seem to. Severus stood up walking towards her. Somewhere he wondered if this were a sign, a moment that he needed to act upon. Harry wasn't impressed.
"NAAAAAAPE!" he was whined as he reached up to the tall man, opening and closing his tiny hands.
Strangely enough, Severus obliged and picked up the little boy as he walked over to the woman. The atmosphere built, neither looking away as if they were hurtling towards a moment that might just change everything. It was as he got closer that her gaze shifted, and she turned to continue with her task.
"So many clothes," she said, drawing out the words awkwardly. "I really need to sort these out!" She focused on the task in front of her. She blushed intensely as he neared her, standing only an arm's length away. Severus didn't move, lifting a hand he brushed some hair from her face, her blush became even more prominent.
"Lily," he began,
"Sorry, Sev!" Her eyes were shining with half-formed tears, though she didn't break their contact. "I," she paused. "I don't know-" she whispered, as she brought her hand towards his.
"It's ok," he said affectionately.
And then he dared to act. Leaning towards her, he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
"I'm frightened too."
He never moved his eyes from hers, hoping that she could see just how afraid of this he truly was. She looked panicked and unsure of what had happened, what could happen, and Severus knew that he had pushed her too far.
"I -just can't," she spoke stiffly, though she leaned in closer.
It was at that precise moment that the front door slammed. Remus then shouted, "Lil, I'm back!"
Lily immediately stepped away from Severus and took Harry into her arms.
"Kisses!" Harry shouted, and Lily planted a big kiss on his cheek.
"Severus is here to see you," she shouted, her eyes still fixed on his.
Then Lily walked out of the room. He stood motionless, the moment replaying in his head. What could he have done differently, how had he been filled with so much promise and now it was gone. He followed her down the stairs and greeted Remus. He worked hard at keeping his face straight like nothing had even happened. His jaw, however, was tight and his posture tense making it evident that something had set the man on-edge.
"I wanted to speak to you about this months Wolfsbane potion," his tone was matter-of-fact. "Would you mind coming to Hogwarts. I'll be brewing there… Exam period..." he finished lamely.
"Sure," Remus replied.
It sounded almost like a question. Remus was confused, the man had always done anything he could to remain in the little house—close to Lily—and now he was rushing off? Remus watched as Severus walked straight through to the fire and grabbed Floo powder, and soon he disappeared from the fireplace altogether.
Remus turned to Lily and asked, "What did you do to him?"
"Nothing!" she exclaimed.
"Sure Lil, he's found every excuse under the sun to be here lately, and now he has a real reason he's high tailing it back to Hogwarts. I have never seen him move so fast, and he wants me to follow!"
Lily's eyes welled up as she looked away from Remus.
"Lil?"
"I-" she paused.
The room filled with silence, she stood looking at Remus, her lip trembling as if she was frightened of what she could possibly say.
"I– almost... almost, kissed him," she said, her voice trembled with the fear of what she was admitting. "But then I remembered James; it's not been that long, so I stopped myself," the words tumbled out of her mouth, each one jumping out before the previous statement had time to settle.
Remus reached over and put Harry on the floor, pulling Lily towards him in a brotherly hug. A gentle kiss placed on her forehead, just were Severus had kissed her moments ago.
"It's ok," he assured her. "I think it's time you allowed yourself to be happy again."
They stood there, Lily cried in Remus' arms, her head snuggled into his chest.
"It's so confusing, Remus. I don't know what to do," she sobbed.
"Stop feeling guilty about it!" he urged her, his arms tightening around her. "It's going to be ok," he said as he pushed her away, backing off with a smile. "I'll go fix Severus for you!" he laughed.
Lily smiled through a single tear at him, a little more of the weight she was feeling was lifted.
Remus had immediately Floo'd to Severus' quarters at Hogwarts. They had not always seen eye to eye, and while he wasn't sure how Severus saw him, Remus considered him a friend.
Severus' quarters were dismal, they were dark and depressing. It seemed to Remus that it really didn't help the man's dower demeanour, and maybe some colour could lighten his mood. There were little touches of comfort which made it somewhat homely–for Severus at least. The furniture was dark cherry wood, the bookcases were filled to the brim with books, the odd artefact sat on the shelves. It suited Severus.
Remus stood in the fire, he watched as his new friend busied himself with various ingredients and an already bubbling cauldron. It was evident that he was flustered and he refused to give any attention to the man that had just appeared in his office.
"Lily told me what happened."
Severus' head turned sharply looking at Remus, the look on his face showed just how guilty he felt.
Severus stuttered a reply, "I misread the signs, it won't happen again!"
He began pulling completely random—and incorrect— ingredients from the shelves.
"Okay! What did you do?" As far as Remus was concerned more had gone on than Lily considering kissing the man, and he definitely wanted to know what.
"I got the wrong idea from Alice, I kissed Lily! It won't happen again."
Severus' attention still focused on the random bottles in front of him. He seemed unwilling to meet Remus' eye, like what he had done was some cardinal sin.
"You didn't get the wrong idea from Alice. That woman is about as subtle as a Bludger to the face!" Remus laughed. "She is also more in tune with how Lily feels than Lily. As for the kissing, that's a bold move for you."
"You didn't see her reaction. I completely freaked her out, how I could ever imagine, never mind, what's done is done!" Severus turned away, shaking his head.
"She was freaked out?" Remus asked confused. "What did you do? Dip her and ravage her?" he laughed.
"Ravage? Merlin, no! I kissed her on the forehead!" Severus gasped.
"The forehead?" Remus looked at him incredulously, smirking. "A kiss on the forehead! You need to step things up a notch!"
Severus ignored him and began flipping through pages of a potions book erratically.
"I'm not drinking any potion that you brew until you calm down. Sev, she's just feeling guilty, that's all! She was going to kiss you; did you know that?" Remus looked at Severus, urging him to believe the truth.
It was evident in Severus' eyes that he didn't, or rather couldn't, believe that truth. There was something inside him that made the idea seem so unlikely, made it appear that no one could except him in their lives. It was true, he was abrasive, rude and demanding to be around, but the more time Remus spent with him, he saw more. Severus, behind all the darkness, was an intensely passionate and emotional man, and he valued him as a close friend.
"She worries," he continued, "about how wrong she must be to want to move on so soon. Trust me, you're barking up the right tree!"
Severus looked at him, not saying a thing. There was a look of complete confusion on his face like he was trying to do the math and it wasn't adding up.
"I'm completely for you barking up that tree, Severus."
"And Sirius?" he questioned. Severus' tone and countenance were far steadier than it had been for some time.
"Well you and Sirius don't agree on much anyway, why start now?" he replied. "Anyway, you wanted to discuss my Wolfsbane Potion?"
Severus relaxed completely and turned to his books yet again. He found that now he was able to focus on what he was good at, knowledge, learning, creating and adapting a potion. It helped him to detach and regain his footing.
"What I am proposing is fairly dangerous, but I have been thinking about adapting the Wolfsbane Potion, I think that we can improve your experience. I want to add a little more Monkshood. I'm thinking we increase each month until we find a good balance. Each month we would only make tiny changes, possibly add slightly more Dittany to counteract the extra poison?" Severus was rambling. "I would like to add powdered silver; it's dangerous, but I've been researching a lot these last eighteen months, and I think it could work. I believe with work we may even be able to prevent a transformation one day… but it's hazardous!"
"You seriously think you can do more? That you can improve on what the Wolfsbane Potion already gives me?"
"I think it foolish to assume that it can't be adapted– perfected. I think that the only way a cure is found is if people are brave enough to search for it."
Remus smiled, overwhelmed at Severus' choice to make things better for him–improve his experience. It was strangely reminiscent of Sirius' and James' ridiculous idea to become Animagus; stupid, dangerous, and an effort to make the full-moon bearable.
"You think that you could be the Wizard that cures Lycanthropy?" Remus asked,
"No, I think we can make progress. I will need full reports on your experience, and on every variation of the potion. I need to understand how each ingredient affects the transformation, and it's with that knowledge that we can make the right changes. I don't pretend to be confident that we will find the cure, but I do think we can head in that direction."
"Ok!" Remus stammered. "Yes, I'll do it!" he smiled at the potions master. "What does that mean for this month?"
"A final month on the original Wolfsbane, and a detailed report to follow."
Severus found out who the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher would be in the last staff meeting of the summer term. To say he was disappointed was an understatement – he would be working with none other than Sirius Black. He wanted nothing more than some comfort and a friendly face, something he hadn't had in some time.
Despite Remus' words, Severus had remained distant from Lily, knowing just how confused she was. He found it hard to be there, to see the torn look in her eyes. Severus now walked out of the meeting and could think of no one else to talk to – he needed Lily.
Progress had been made with Sirius, but the thought of working with him for an entire year—with no escape—it wasn't pleasant. It felt too much like Hogwarts. Severus strode purposefully through the halls. Students that lingered in the corridors immediately removed themselves from his presence, hurrying to wherever they were supposed to be. It wasn't long before he was again in his familiar office staring at the glowing embers, debating if he should call.
"Hayworth Farm."
He was transported to the large and familiar kitchen, which was as warm and inviting as ever. He could smell food in the oven, the fire was glowing, and everything was silent except for the distant sound of Lily running Harry's bath upstairs.
The living room was lit with lamps that filled the room with a warm light. The Muggle television was on – muted. He sat in an armchair – his armchair, waiting. He would be seeing Remus as well this evening, he had had his first transformation and had taken notes. Severus was going to use this to help him decide if and how he should make the changes he was thinking about.
"Hullo!" Lily called from upstairs.
"It's just me," He called.
He was thankful that she was busy, mostly he was glad to have a little extra time to pluck up some courage. It had been weeks since he saw her, and the last time had been the awkward forehead kissing incident.
"I'll be down in ten minutes; I'm just reading Harry's story."
He didn't use the time all that well, he focused on pulling apart everything that Lily, Alice and Remus had said recently. He obsessed about what he wanted this talk to accomplish, and what he wanted for Lily–with Lily. He found that entwined with all of this was a little boy who was currently being settled to sleep upstairs. Potters child. How would it impact him in the long run?
He knew—if he got his heart's desire in Lily—it wasn't something he would let go easily. His mind was consumed with what everyone would think–mainly Sirius. He didn't understand why that particular person's opinion mattered so much. He wasn't able to fully work through this conundrum, as far too quickly Lily could be heard tiptoeing down the stairs.
"Sev?" she stood at the bottom of the stairs uncertainly, looking at the man in her living room. "I missed you," her voice was quiet, nervous almost.
She sat next to him, careful to keep to her side of the small sofa. His eyes met hers, which were still unsure. Her emerald eyes bore into his onyx ones, usually cold, but today full of warmth, longing and fear.
"I missed you too."
Severus held out a hand to Lily, and he guided her closer gently wrapping his arms around her. She leaned into him, saying nothing. It was comfortable, casual and like it was the most natural thing in the world, especially the way that her head gently rested in the crook of his neck.
"Don't stay away again." She curled herself into a compact little ball, snuggled next to him on the sofa.
"You want me to be around?" he asked tentatively.
"Yes, always."
"Lily, I have loved you a long time, and I want more than to be around," Severus said, though he couldn't seem to look her in the eye.
"I don't want something small either, Sev," she whispered.
That little sentiment was all that he needed; his hand cupped her face, and he lowered his head to meet hers placing a kiss on her delicate lips.
Gently, she leaned into the kiss. Lily's arms found their way up the plains of his chest and were soon wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer. The kiss suddenly deepened. Lily smiled as she pulled away because today she felt no guilt. She only felt happiness.
As he saw her smile, he stole another quick, gentle kiss. His heart swelled; surely after all of his mistakes, he didn't deserve to be this happy. Then again, that is the nature of forgiveness, it no longer takes account of past mistakes, he felt clean as though his past did not even exist.
"I hate to break the mood," he interrupted, "but I actually came to see Remus."
"He went to see Arthur Weasley. Apparently, they are fast friends." She smiled. "He'll be back later." And with that, she snuggled so close she was effectively sat on his lap. With his arms still around her, affectionately stroking her back, he was lost in the moment.
"This is perfect," Severus sighed.
"It is, isn't it." She smiled. "How's work?"
The effect broke the atmosphere, and soon their night was just like any other, except that they were entwined on the couch.
"Sirius will be working there next year." He scowled.
It all came back to him now, why he'd needed her. The impending fear that the next school year would be just like when he was a student. He feared feeling like that person all over again, that child that was bullied and less than Sirius and his friends; could it be like that still?
"It won't be like school, Sev. Things have changed with you and Sirius." It seemed that she knew exactly what he was thinking and what he was afraid of. "He's changed," she said pleadingly. "It might even help you and Sirius move forward, you and Remus are good friends now."
"I don't know about that." He restrained a sneer. "Remus has a theory."
"A theory?" she asked with a grin.
"He says that Sirius and I are too–alike." He raised an eyebrow in sceptic disapproval.
"Yea? So how does he say you are alike?"
"Apparently, we both like to hold grudges!" he scoffed.
"I can see that. I see some understanding from Sirius, but like you cling to the pain caused, he seems to cling to the past." She looked at him. "Are you able to be the first to let it go?"
"I don't know" he whispered.
"You need to change your focus. Think about a different version of Sirius, like when he stood up for you the other night."
Severus pulled away, and there was a sceptical expression on his face. "And I quote; 'I'm not gonna lie, I don't like him, we barely get along'" He looked her in the face questioning.
"I didn't say it was all good." She laughed at his sneering face, and in doing so lightening his mood. "He cared enough to tell other people to shut up. That is that you need to remember."
"We shall see how he handles this little development." Severus opened his arms, drawing attention to her nestled on his lap.
"Ooo, that is something to discuss, Sev. I don't want to confuse Harry." She looked at him, waiting for the hurt. Lily knew Severus through and though, and this would scream rejection to him.
"I know, I don't either," he replied thoughtfully.
That little nugget just showed how much he had changed, that now he had some understanding that went passed how things affected him. It wasn't that he was a self-involved person, but his default setting was rejection.
"I guess we take little steps. When you think the time is right, we can be a little more open with Harry. I also can't be open with you Lil. What I mean is, if I'm going to go back to … Him, no one can know about this. If or more likely when he returns, I have no idea how that works." There was a frown and worry that this was, in fact, a deal breaker. After all, what woman would have a double life, especially for someone like him?
"I have been thinking about that, it would put you in a tough spot. He'd either kill you for defecting or expect you to deliver Harry to him on a silver platter." Lily moved from his lap, hugging her knees, her face filled with worry.
Severus' mind went to his usual assumptions that people would obviously be thinking the worst of him. It only stood to reason, after all, he had been the worst he could be.
"Which I obviously wouldn't do."
She glanced up at him, a confused expression. The realisation of what he had taken from her words, and she could not help correcting him, "I don't want him to kill you either, Sev."
"So, it's just one more secret; something we only share with those that we truly trust." He smiled at her. "It will be ok," he paused a moment, worry filled his face. "If that's what you want, there are many who you would be able to be out in the open with, I would understand," he finished.
"But none of them are you." She smiled, and she felt him relax next to her.
They sat there in silence together for some time before they heard the Floo. The familiar sound of Remus getting out of the floo shook them from their blissful state. Lily pecked Severus on the cheek before getting up.
"Tea then?" she asked, as she walked through to the kitchen.
Severus didn't move, trying to hold on to that moment. It felt to him like a reality check, regardless of what Remus had said to him, it didn't seem likely that this would be a welcome change. For all he knew, Remus was being kind; believing that Lily would let him down gently. Maybe he was being cruel; waiting for Severus to be turned down in the most humiliating way, and then there was the far more likely, that Remus would think it was just too soon.
"I'm starved, Lil," Remus declared as he sniffed the mouth-watering aromas.
"Set the table. Sev is here to see you."
Lily tried to hide her secret smile, but he caught sight of it. Remus couldn't help but be happy, after all, two friends had found a little happiness in what had been a dark world. It was almost a symbol of the light at the end of the tunnel that was the dark wizarding war.
"Severus, you want my notes?" Remus pulled a roll of parchments from an inside pocket. "They are a bit messy, I wanted to get everything down as soon as I was back in my usual form."
Severus, being more in his element here, poured over the notes, at ease once more. "So, the transformation is very painful?" he asked, his eyes drifting across the crumpled sheets.
"Yes, it's so pronounced that it's what I remember most."
"I think we need to add more Dittany to the potion then, to help relieve the pain," he mused. "The other notes are useful, but I think you will be able to give a clearer account if you're not suffering so much pain." He began making notes in his battered potions book, the page was devoted to the Wolfsbane Potion.
"Sev, Dittany heals, but it doesn't actually relieve any pain," Lily shouted from the kitchen. "I'd suggest using Valerian Root."
"Valerian Root would counteract the Wolfsbane poison completely," Severus added.
"You're still going to have to use something other than Dittany! It doesn't stop or prevent pain, in fact, it hurts like hell."
"Featherfew?" he called back.
"Wouldn't counteract anything, but it's very weak," she responded.
"Do you have any good ideas?" he asked mockingly.
"Pain relief should be separate to the potion itself!" she added as she walked in with a beautiful golden brown pie, Remus followed with a serving dish with potatoes and another with greens.
"I know many good pain relievers, but it's always better to have one potion that does everything, multiple potions mean many more contra-indications."
"Contra-indications?" Remus asked,
"Various ingredients and how they react together, as we have said Valerian Root would just prevent the wolfsbane from doing what it needs to do." Severus clarified.
"I can do research on various strong pain relievers and their contra-indications for you? You could be looking at the other points Remus was able to make," Lily offered as she dished out the creamy chicken and mushroom pie.
"I can help, Lily. I don't want to be useless," Remus added.
"Nonsense, these notes alone are going to be extremely helpful." Severus continued to make notes, his eyes never leaving the parchment.
"This is a good pie, Lil." Remus began stuffing the hot crust and tender filling into his mouth.
"Are you always this… ravenous, after a full moon?" Severus enquired.
"I can't eat when I'm transformed under the Wolfsbane Potion. I've left various foods out, but I just can't, whereas without it, I crave… meat, it's the main drive."
"Interesting," he mused, adding more notes to a page already littered with annotations. He somehow managed to do this while simultaneously eating the pie. "This is good pie though." Severus' hand snuck under the table and gave her knee an affectionate squeeze.
As they continued their meal, Severus remained engrossed in his notes and proceeded to ask Remus question after question about his transformations. Remus chose not to make a big deal of the developments. Severus and Lily didn't flaunt it, and she was happy it felt like a regular night with a man that she cared deeply for and the man that she loved.
Severus went back to Hogwarts relatively early, a Potions Exam was being sat by his fifth-year students in the morning, and he needed to supervise. Before he left he pulled Lily close to him and kissed her gently. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she hugged him tightly.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" she asked.
"Of course," he replied, she stepped back, and the green flames engulfed him.