This one includes the moment after Omelia's first kiss and the arc with Nicole Herman's tumor, basically. Unfortunately, I couldn't cover ALL parts of 11x14 yet, otherwise the chapter would be way too big. So I made it to the beginning of the surgery around the first third of 11x14 and the next chapter will cover the aftermath of Owen dealing with Amelia's insubordination by taking off the gloves and exposing herself to radiation.
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The Journey – Part Ten
Amelia dragged her feet out of bed, trying to hold onto the promise she'd made the previous evening.
Despite her resolve not to think about Owen anymore, he had haunted her dreams during the entire night, setting Amelia on a restless, agitated sleep that made her feel even more tired when she woke up.
As she got dressed to go to work, the neurosurgeon wondered how it would be when they met there. Surely they couldn't act as if nothing had happened? Amelia knew she very much wanted to, but she was almost certain she wouldn't be able to talk to her boss and pretend she hadn't felt her knees weak as Owen had held her face between his hands and stolen her breath with a dazzling kiss just the night before.
Did people really do that? Did they go from sharing sensual, inebriating kisses to talking about mundane topics such as the OR board or budget meetings? This was all very new to her and Amelia had no idea, but she hoped the answer was affirmative, considering how determined she was to completely ignore how her boss made her feel.
Much to her dismay, not too long after she stepped foot in the hospital, Amelia was informed the chief of surgery wanted to see her in his office.
The neurosurgeon postponed going to meet him for as long as she could but before lunch, she was running out of excuses to ignore the call. Hoping with all her heart that encounter wouldn't be too awkward at the same time Amelia predicted it would, she climbed the stairs to the upper floor, crossing her fingers that the meeting turned out to be as work related as possible.
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Owen tapped his foot uncontrollably inside his office and then censored himself the moment he realized he was doing it. Behaving like a love struck teenage boy was beneath him and there was absolutely no reason why he should feel that nervous.
Earlier that morning, Owen had driven to work unknowingly wondering about the same things the woman he'd kissed the night before also had. He had no idea how Amelia would behave from there on but he was damn sure about one thing: He wanted more.
Owen had anticipated that kissing her would be amazing, but it had actually been more than that. Judging by her reaction, Amelia had been as taken aback by the intensity of their moment as he had. The situation was so alarming that Owen now struggled to regain some of his senses because he knew that, while at the hospital, he was Amelia's boss and that insistent urge to grab her hand, take her to an empty room and lock the door behind them couldn't cloud his professional judgment. So Owen had made a decision.
To prove himself he was capable of keeping both worlds apart and therefore to keep pursuing the adorable neurosurgeon, Owen was going to call her for a meeting he'd been postponing for a while. A few weeks before, he'd structured the new theoretical course for the residents program. His idea included a series of lectures from each head of department and since Neurosurgery was on focus at the moment with a very interesting case, he had thought about asking Amelia Shepherd to kick things off with a Masterclass.
For a while now he'd avoided calling her to his office, too confused with his own emotions for the woman. Owen didn't want to mix work with their personal lives but he couldn't ignore what he felt whenever he saw her; reason why he had been giving himself excuses to refrain from having Amelia over. But now that he knew she was in synchrony with his emotions and especially after having tasted what it felt like to kiss and touch her, the last thing Owen wanted was to continue avoiding her.
Three knocks on his door made Owen nearly jump from his chair in alarm.
"Hey," Amelia hated herself for feeling her face blush as she entered her boss's office. "I heard you were looking for me."
Owen took a while longer than usual to reply, unconsciously too pleased to see her.
"Yes," He cleared his throat and changed to his most professional tone. "I need to talk to you," He informed her and, with his gaze, pointed to a chair. "Please, sit."
Amelia frowned heavily, too confused with what was going on. As she walked into his office seconds before and spotted the look of appreciation in his eyes, she was pretty sure the subject of their talk would be what had happened the night before. But then as Owen had asked her to sit and taken a position in front of her with a desk between them, all certainty she had about anything was suddenly gone.
"I think this won't come as a surprise to you considering I mentioned it before, but I am reformulating the residency program classes schedule with Webber," Owen informed her. Amelia knew that every medical residency consisted mostly of practical training but residents were also required to take mandatory theory hours on a weekly basis. "I was drafting the schedule for the upcoming weeks and I think it would be a great idea if we started the new program with Neurosurgery."
The look of confusion was evident on Amelia's face, for that was the last thing she expected him to discuss with her at that moment, but Owen mistook it as rejection for his proposal.
"If you think about it, it makes perfect sense," He explained, thinking he was going to have to sell the idea. "You have Herman's case now and the residents are very invested in it. I think it's great timing to explore the basics of your specialty, maybe even build your set of classes around it?" He raised his eyebrows, pensively.
Amelia opened her mouth to talk, but quickly closed it again, unsure of what she was going to say.
Before, she had hoped that talking to Owen wouldn't prove to be as awkward as she imagined it would, because she doubted they would be able to ignore what had happened the previous night. Amelia had thought that not talking about it would actually make her more comfortable with the situation.
But she had just discovered that Owen's apparent inclination to not even acknowledge it had bothered her more than she would have cared to let it.
What did that even mean?! Hadn't he been as affected by it as she had? Was he really going to pretend nothing had happened?
"What do you think of it?" Owen pushed, alarmed by her complete silence.
I think you gave me the best kiss I have ever had.
Amelia quickly shifted the focus of her thoughts, hurrying to process the information he'd just given her about the classes and tried to stay as professional as possible to match his attitude.
"It could be a good idea," She replied, not really succeeding at carefully thinking it over. If she had, Amelia would have realized that she already had too much on her plate and preparing a series of lectures was a very hard and demanding task, even for brilliant academic prodigies like her. "Yes, I can do that."
"Good," Owen approved with a head nod and then look from her face to the computer in front of him. "I was thinking one or two classes per week, for a total of four weeks, what do you think?"
The harder Owen tried to focus on work, the more distracted she seemed to become. He was feeling like an idiot. The chief of surgery had no idea why he was blabbering about a series of lectures that didn't matter the least bit to him, at least not in that moment. The only subject he wanted to pay attention to could only be explored with the woman in front of him and yet, the more he wanted to bring up the kiss they'd shared, the less he felt able to do it.
Even though Owen had initially summoned her there to prove to himself that he could separate their private lives from work, he hadn't planned to act so coldly and distantly. But the chief of surgery had no idea how to turn that off without crossing the line completely.
If he dared to talk or even think about touching her, Owen wasn't sure what would stop him from going around the table, holding that gorgeous woman in his arms and kissing her until he lost each one of his senses again.
"Yeah, sure," Amelia nodded affirmatively, still confused with the entire situation. "That sounds great." She said, unsure of what exactly she was agreeing with. Her predicament was very alarming and Amelia was feeling so foolish to have walked in there presuming she was in control of anything that her instinct after that realization was to just get out of there as soon as possible. "Can you email me the topics you want discussed? I really have to go now." She got up, without offering any more explanations.
Owen was about to suggest that she chose the subjects herself but the woman had already stormed out of the room.
Feeling like a complete idiot, his last attempt to lie to himself and maybe feel a little better was to imagine that the cause of Amelia's distraction was her complete focus on Nicole Herman's case, and not at all the way he had utterly made a fool of himself during that awkward encounter.
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For the following days, Owen tried approaching Amelia in an attempt to fix his mistake but whenever he spotted her, she was either surrounded by eager residents, operating or studying files with absolute attention. On a random Wednesday morning, he finally saw the chance to catch her alone inside one of the scan rooms. That day Amelia would give her first lecture and he supposed she would be busier than ever, but Owen couldn't help himself. He couldn't pass on the chance to be alone with her again.
Since he didn't want to start off by going straight to the point, the trauma surgeon thought some small talk was in order to initiate the conversation. Bringing her coffee was an attempt to break the ice, but his plans were more ambitious. What Owen had in mind involved asking her out to dinner so they could actually have to talk outside the walls of the hospital, instead of embarrassingly avoiding each other at work like they'd been doing.
But once their interaction was over, Owen wondered if they'd ever be able to talk again without him feeling like he was messing it all up. He could still hear Amelia's words, "I really need to focus… On the tumor. Don't need any distractions, and you're… You're very hard to ignore."
What did that even mean? Owen understood she had a lot going on at the moment, but it had been Amelia the one to cross the yard and knock on his door late at night. And then Owen had kissed her and felt her melting in his arms. Surely she was into it as much as he was? Or was it possible that she'd had a change of heart about it? She certainly wanted to ignore him, a task she'd just admitted to being hard. So it was likely that what the neurosurgeon had felt hadn't changed, but rather her opinion on actually acting on those feelings.
Owen was so confused that he didn't know what else to think. Women in general were very complicated but the complex ones like Amelia Shepherd were also intriguing and challenging. And the problem was that he was already far too invested in whatever was going on between them to want to back off now. Not when Amelia looked at him with those gorgeous blue eyes and nearly stuttered in his company. She was so confident, so on top of her game all the time that to see her reacting with adorable insecurity to his presence made Owen feel more attracted to her, and he didn't know that was even possible.
If he were to be completely honest, Owen had to admit he was a bit disappointed that things hadn't turned out to be quite what he expected. After their moment outside his trailer, he had been sure that the breathtaking kiss would be just the start. But as the days progressed, he noticed the two of them were getting distant instead of closer and he didn't know what to do to stop that from happening.
He knew that the case Amelia had on right now was very consuming and it made total sense that she needed to focus all her energy on it at the moment. If it were him, he knew there was no way he could juggle exploring romantic feelings for a person at the same time rationally focusing on such an important moment in his career. So it was only fair that he respected her to feel the same.
Owen could wait. But he couldn't wait forever. Kissing Amelia Shepherd once was far from being enough. Unless he heard it from her that she wasn't interested, Owen definitely wasn't giving up on pursuing her. And once all of that hype with Herman's surgery was over, he and his delightful head of neurosurgery would have a lot of catching up to do.
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Amelia closed the door after her, leaning on it for support at the same time she tried to control her breath.
Everything was too overwhelming. She had no idea how she'd gotten there but it felt like the entire world was engulfing her as she struggled to keep her cool.
And failed miserably.
What had started out as an unpretentious series of lectures for residents had actually grown in popularity faster than Amelia could realize. The idea of building the classes around Herman's case and therefore exploring topics in a very didactic manner had proven to be an excellent idea. Armed with amazing material, the neurosurgeon's competence and charisma had shinned through every lecture, attracting more residents, and even attendings and professionals from other hospital areas. Before Amelia could process the meaning of it, her talks were being recorded and streamed in other facilites. People seemed to thoroughly enjoy the topics but what really was causing the buzz was the expectation around the big surgery she was about to perform.
And Amelia belatedly realized that creating such a hype before the actual surgery happened had been a mistake.
All it did was add to her anxiety. As the procedure date approached, the neurosurgeon logged more hours going through the patient's files many times over, looking for any possible detail she might have missed in a scan or while building a solid plan. It didn't take long for other surgeons to start questioning her plan, or even doubting it.
And worse, comparisons to her brother also started to become more frequent than the neurosurgeon would have liked.
Amelia had dealt with that all her life and she wasn't naïve to think this time it would be any different. But once she'd started working on Herman's case, her idea seemed solid enough to be worth of developing a plan. Now, as things slowly moved from theoretical to actually very concrete, she started to second guess everything she'd planned.
A woman's life was at stake. A brilliant, amazing surgeon's life. Nicole Herman carried a death sentence inside her head and Amelia was the only one who could maybe defeat it. The expectations around her plan had reached such a high that there was no room for failure.
Now, after a series of lectures, convincing talks and a lot of hard work, everyone truly believed Amelia Shepherd could pull off what could be called a surgical miracle. And if she didn't, the neurosurgeon wondered what could happen. It was too much pressure on her shoulders and she needed that whole thing to be over as soon as possible.
It was too exhausting having to separate all her feelings of insecurity and self doubt from the rational ability to make the best decisions regarding Herman's case. It was all very suffocating. Amelia felt completely alone because there really wasn't anyone she could talk to about it that could understand.
That wasn't entirely true, she knew. There was one person who she was sure wouldn't judge and would be capable of offering her support and advice. But talking to Owen Hunt might turn out to be just as draining as dealing with the case because once again, Amelia would have to work really hard to separate her personal feelings from the bigger picture and in that case, it could be exponentially harder. She had no idea how to label what she felt for Owen but she was sure it was more intense and harder to contain than anything else she was experiencing.
But right now, Amelia needed to focus her entire energy on figuring out how she was going to proceed with her plan. Nicole Herman wasn't exactly being the most cooperative and her refusal to accept neoadjuvant therapy was a bump on the road that the neurosurgeon wasn't counting on. Her approach would have to alter in some strategic moments during the surgery and Amelia felt like she was too close to losing her mind. The mortification she'd felt when her resident had lectured her and told her to "Get it together" let Amelia know she had reached her limit of sanity.
Owen was just finishing updating a patient's chart when he saw his head of neurosurgery passing by, with a very distressed look on her face. Over the past few weeks, he'd followed up closely with the evolution of her plan throughout every lecture she'd given and the chief couldn't help but become nervous and excited for her.
"Just so you know, the auditorium is packed. The fire marshal actually made me move a bunch of people out to an overflow room." He informed, supposing the neurosurgeon would be pleased to hear about her growing popularity. But the distant, somewhat even uncomfortable look on her face warned Owen that something was terribly wrong. Trying not to pry at the same time he hoped to contain his concern, the trauma surgeon encouraged her to talk. "Amelia."
"Just give me a minute." She replied, unable to make eye contact with him.
"Amelia." Owen tried one more time, watching as she raised her hand with obvious intention to silence him.
"Hang on." She pleaded. Amelia needed remain focused and calm, otherwise she could lose her balance and that wasn't something they could afford. Not her, not the hospital and certainly not Nicole Herman. Even though rationally she knew that talking about her feelings and letting it out was the best way to get rid of that anxiety, she was still determined not to do it with Owen, of all people.
The neurosurgeon took a deep breath and sighed slowly, trying to put in action everything that her brain was deciding.
"You can talk to me." Owen declared, interrupting her thoughts. "You're wound pretty tight." He added and Amelia finally looked up to meet his eyes, wondering why was it so easy for him to apparently read her mind. "I just want you to know you can talk to me." The trauma surgeon affirmed, hoping she accepted his support.
Owen hated seeing her in distress and he wouldn't hesitate to help her with whatever it may be. It was obvious she was bothered by something and the least he could do was to make himself available to hear her, even though Amelia had stated that, at the present moment, she preferred not to be in his company.
The neurosurgeon took another deep breath. But before she even opened her mouth, Amelia already knew the words would pour out of her because that's the effect Owen had. She had spent the past weeks making up her mind and coming up with several reasons why she shouldn't talk to him but with one look and a few words, Owen was able to vanish with all her resolve. And the thing was, he didn't even need to do much. It was like he knew exactly what to say to break all her defenses and the man definitely didn't walk around in circles.
"My whole career, I have been the other Dr. Shepherd." She explained, noticing by the way he frowned that Owen rejected the assumption. He had no idea how much that display of loyalty meant to her. "He's the real one. I'm the other one." Amelia continued. In his eyes, she saw comprehension and so much acceptance that it became too overwhelming to keep looking at him. "Right now, this plan of mine is theoretical. It's just talk." She confessed, feeling an immense relief to finally voice out all her concerns. "But at some point, I am going to slice into Dr. Herman's brain, and I have this sick feeling that when I face that tumor, I will discover that I am not just the other Dr. Shepherd," Amelia added, feeling a lump in her throat as she tried her hardest not to tear up. "I'm the wrong Dr. Shepherd."
Owen noticed how her voice broke as she struggled to verbalize those feelings and, at the same time, maintain her control.
He had no idea how his eyes reinforced his words and transmitted so much security to her as he affirmed with the uttermost conviction:
"Listen, I know it couldn't have been easy constantly being in his shadow," Owen put his hands inside his white coat pockets, determined to make her see what was clear to him. "And I can only imagine how unsettling it must feel when people bring it up. I suppose it happens more often than anyone knows," He guessed correctly, seeing the affirmative answer on her face. "But don't let others constantly comparing you to him lead you to do the same," Owen advised, noticing the confusion in her eyes.
Amelia hesitated for a bit, unsure if she should ask, but his voice resonated again, ending all doubts.
"It doesn't matter if you're better than him or not," Owen stated with conviction. "It's not something that can be measured, anyway," Her boss raised his eyebrows, wisely pointing out the truth. "At the end of the day, it only matters if you're being the best you can be, if you're giving everything you got…" He described, knowing how well that applied to the woman. "And I know you are," Owen confessed, tenderly smiling at her. He knew that smile contained more than just professional encouragement from someone who had more years of experience. It also contained an undeniable load of affection and care, and the chief didn't even bother hiding it. "I see you, I see how hard you try, how invested you are in this…" He explained with full honesty. "In all the years I worked beside him, your brother repeatedly proved his brilliance but you've got something he never did," Owen kept smiling as he noticed the curiosity in her eyes. "Derek was never humble. And that is exactly the quality in you that makes you the only one fit to take this case on." The chief of surgery gave his true opinion.
Amelia felt her throat constricting even harder. Owen had no idea how much that kind of recognition meant to her, especially coming from him.
"I am afraid of what might happen if I fail," Amelia confessed with a low voice, blinking repeatedly before finally sustaining his look, hoping her following confession wouldn't change his opinion of her. "That's not being humble… That's being selfish."
Owen noticed the brightness in her eyes caused by the accumulated tears. All he wanted was to hold and comfort her. When she looked at him like that, it tore him apart completely.
"You can only fail if you don't try," He wisely answered, speaking with propriety. "If you really were selfish, you wouldn't be giving up so much to focus on this," Owen pointed out and Amelia knew exactly what he meant. "Of course you're excited about it, as we all are. You love surgery and there is nothing wrong with that," He expressed in words what she was feeling better than Amelia could. "But glory and recognition are not what you're doing this for," He stated with conviction. Owen had met people who were like that. He had even married one once. And he was damn sure from what he'd seen in Amelia that she was the complete opposite. "We don't know what the outcome of the surgery will be, and of course we are hoping for the best, but this medicine, Amelia," he reminded her. "There are no guarantees. There is a reason why we don't make promises in our job."
Amelia heard the words and the undeniable understanding in them.
"She could die." The neurosurgeon bit her lower lip, unaware that she looked like a frightened child. "She could die on my table."
"She will die if you don't try." Owen offered a new perspective. "Nicole Herman is a grown woman and she knows about the risks." He reminded her. "The woman has been to several other specialists and kept refusing treatment. Your plan was the only one she embarked on. There is a reason for that too."
His words sunk in and as Amelia processed them, it was with a sigh of relief that she felt finally able to breathe normally again.
"You're right." The neurosurgeon sniffed lightly, using her finger to brush unshed tears from her eyes. "I owe it to her to try," Amelia decided and felt a wave of optimism taking over her. "And I owe it to myself to do the best I can do."
"Yes," Owen agreed with a head nod, blissfully happy and even proud that she'd understood it. He fought the urge to place a loose lock of brown hair behind her ear and caress her cheek.
The chief of surgery was about to propose they went for coffee in the cafeteria when suddenly Amelia's entire face lit up and her eyes sparkled with a unique fire he'd grown accustomed to seeing.
"I have to go," She interrupted his thoughts and judging by the look on her face, it became obvious to Owen she'd just had an epiphany. "I…" The neurosurgeon struggled, feeling her thoughts racing faster than her mouth could speak as she was assaulted by an incredible number of new ideas to figure out the loopholes in her surgical plan. With one last look at the man who'd just eased her restless soul, Amelia spoke the only words that could translate her feelings. "Thank you."
With reinvigorated energy, Amelia hurried to the skills lab, her mind racing with new solutions to her plan. She spent the rest of the night working on fixing every tiny detail that she felt was yet to be improved. The following day, with renovated confidence and in an obvious better state of mind, she gave the final lecture of the series, rejoicing in the cheer of applause as she presented the grand finale for her plan to completely extinguish Herman's tumor.
As she made herself available to answer questions from the spectators, Amelia felt more than ready to deal with whatever they fired at her. Her boss was absolutely right. It didn't matter what they thought. If Amelia knew she was doing the best she could - and she was - that was good enough for her to maintain a peace of mind that was strangely inspiring. Even when Callie Torres had asked about her brother Amelia was able to keep her cool because she knew better now. She felt prepared. Confident. And absolutely ready to transform theory into action.
In the audience, her eyes spotted Owen. Involuntarily, Amelia felt her heart swelling. He had no idea what he'd done for her. Even though the surgical plan was entirely hers, without the boost of confidence and the words of assurance Owen had given her, Amelia probably wouldn't have been able to come up with her newest ideas. Before talking to him, she'd been walking around in circles, feeling stuck in the same place. But after confessing her insecurities and overcoming her fear to expose her vulnerabilities, Amelia had been rewarded with comprehension, support and a lot of encouragement.
It was like Owen came with a manual because he always knew exactly what to say. Soon enough, as Amelia took her final notes planning on going home to sleep after the draining day she'd had, doctor Herman walked in and dropped another bomb on her lap.
Even though the neurosurgeon would have liked a couple more days to at least go over her concluded plan, there was no time left to waste. In that newly found state of serenity, Amelia took the lead, getting a new set of scans and coming up with the decision to start the procedure that would be a game changer in her career.
"Word's getting around." Owen caught up with her in the hallway. He had just heard about the news and even though he was halfway home, he'd turned around and come back to the hospital. "You're gonna have a full gallery. Everybody wants to see the show." He added, remembering how she'd been feeling insecure a few days before and how drastically that had changed after their conversation near the nurses station. He wanted more than anything for Amelia to be positive about what she was going to face. "You feeling good, confident? You're not worried, are you?" He asked, alarmed with her silence. "Are you worried?"
"This is where you leave me, Dr. Hunt."
In her smile and calmness, that contrasted so much with how restless he was feeling, Owen realized she was more than prepared for what was about to come.
"Oh. You okay? Do you need anything?" He couldn't help asking.
"I'm fine. I'm great. I just… I prep alone." She looked at him with confidence and Owen smiled in return. "So… I will see you on the other side."
Amelia walked into the OR corridor, noticing how people ran back and forth in agitation, obviously preparing everything for her surgery. As the realization of what was happening caught up with her, Amelia locked herself in a bathroom and finally allowed her emotions to come to surface with full force. Seconds later, as she regained her balance and put her emotions back in order, with renovated strength to believe in superpowers, Amelia would walk into the OR, ready to take on the biggest challenge of her career.
The neurosurgeon once again studied the field, closed her eyes and reviewed her plan, going through every single step in her mind. When she realized everything was in order, just the way it should be, Amelia felt an additional fit of confidence running through her veins, preparing her for the big moment.
And as she took one last look at the gallery, right before focusing back on the patient, a pair of crystal blue eyes stared back at her, armed with a smile that was the last encouragement Amelia needed to finally make the first cut.