A Weasley's Woes
That's it! This is the last straw; I've had it, I tell you!
Those wretched fools think there's nothing they can't do!
May Merlin and the gods take those bloody fiends!
The only thing they're remotely good for is causing scenes!
(Though if Merlin declines, I empathize, of course,)
No sane human being would willingly take Mischief's source!)
And as if one wasn't bad enough, there just had to be two
Double the pranks and double the idea crew!
Their feeble minds are absolutely indefatigable, I tell you –
If we could harness that energy, we could power all England for a year or two!
All they're programmed to do is exploding things
Concocting mixtures whose ingredients include beetles' wings,
Spending hours poring over the most useless facts
Trying to cram in information so no one can tell what they really lacked!
Seriously, what but the craziest, most unstable of minds
Would ever think of recruiting rotten watermelon rinds?
Honestly, a toilet seat? Who suggested that?
And Wizarding Wheezes? Nosebleed Nougats?
(Zonko's can provide the Wizarding World with sufficient junk;
I'm sure they don't appreciate some amateurs' gunk!)
As if the names weren't horrid enough,
They actually go around selling the stuff!
Fainting Fancies? And Extendable Ears?
What are they possibly considering as careers?
They don't even have the brains to do it quietly, the nutters!
I mean, really! Firecrackers exploding in gutters?!
And with all their senseless absurdity,
They would dare to prod at my dignity!
I, whose accomplishments far outstrip any of theirs,
I, whose responsibilities eclipse their pathetic lack of worry or cares!
Who achieved 12 O.W.L's every single year?
Who became prefect and whose slate is clear?
So my ego's inflated, has it? Then why am I the one at the courts?
Working for the Ministry and writing front-page reports!
I preside over meetings and take neat, legible notes
I am so immaculate, you will never find in my vicinity the merest hint of dust motes!
So compared to me, what are they?
Worthless, inconspicuous fools, that's what I say!
They're an outright embarrassment to the Weasley name
Clouding the chances I'd had at glorious fame!
I cannot begin to fathom why Mother puts up with them
It's because of those two that she's unraveling at the hems!
They're attention hogs, they are, and they think they're so witty
One gets the impression they could never manage to be pithy.
But you know, really, I didn't think they'd go this far!
This time, they've crossed the line, and they'd better wish on a star!
They'd better say their last prayers and beg forgiveness from the gods
Because when I'm done with them, they'll be naught but a pair of gaping cod!
They'll be ridiculed and jeered at, for once the butt of their own joke
Something to goggle at, to laugh at and poke!
To this moment, I am hard put to believe that it truly took place,
I fear that I will never be able to show my face!
How could they? How dare they? Those devious oafs!
They're thicker than the house elves' over-baked loafs!
Just the other day, while on the outside I was as calm as you please,
Internally I was desperately trying to set my racing heart at ease
As I repeated the lines I'd rehearsed over in my head
Making my way slowly and hesitantly to dear Penelope's bed;
She was quite beautiful that night, she was
Blinded by her dazzling splendor, my mind was abuzz;
I'd reached her at last, and she looked adoringly at me
I melted in her eyes, and Jell-o replaced my knees
In an ecstatic rush, I spilled the feelings that would have filled reams
Hoping she would be the woman to fulfill my lifelong dreams
And to my indescribable joy, she gathered me in her arms
Bringing her lips to mine – that kiss full of her worldly charms –
When those two seemingly popped out of the air
Whooping and pointing like this was the Percy Weasley Fair!
(Now excuse my language, but dear Merlin, I must swear!
The Ministry needs to place Apparating into more experienced care!)
They whip out their wands, their ugly mugs full of glee
And a horrible dread starts to creep into me;
Sweet Merlin, there will never be a day those two disappoint us
And there will never be a day that sees more fuss –
Those – those blasted, bloody nincompoops!
Those mindless, dim-witted head-full-of-soups!
Oh, oh Merlin, I'll be the laughingstock of the world now!
I'll get my revenge on them yet – this I vow!
How could I have let this happen? I should have seen it coming!
On my head this disaster was all but literally drumming!
They – they whip out their wands (which should be confiscated!)
And me, who was so unfairly, so cruelly fated!
In one atrocious moment, I was deprived of my khakis!
And some fool in the room shouts, "Holy shitakes!"
"Weasley's lost his pants! Look at him!
"Run, you two! He'll tear you from limb to limb!"
They ran, all right, those cowardly cowards!
Just wait until I've caught them in my circle of power!
They'll be sorry they ever messed with their brother
No one will save them then, not even Mother!
Gathering up my shreds of scattered dignity,
I hurried out of the room with humility,
Not daring to look back even once;
Fearing Penelope's look – You bloody dunce!
Their laughter stung my ears like swarming bees
My predicament was deplorable – even Merlin would agree!
Woe betide me, what an unfortunate, inopportune mess!
And that was the day I'd chosen to wear the boxers of heart-covered happiness!
It's quite depressing, quite disheartening indeed!
If not for those two, I wouldn't be drowning in whiskey and mead!
So it is now that I express my desperate plea,
One that many share, most definitely –
Please, ye omnipotent gods, hear my request!
Fulfill it and the world can finally be at rest!
Smite these fools, burn them where they stand!
Crush them with your mighty, wrathful hand!
You want their names? Well – Oh, why not!
Fred and George Weasley, also known as Crackhead and Crackpot!
Rid this world and my life of these brainless lumps of doo-doo
And I, Percy Weasley, will be forever grateful to you!
Thank you for your time and patience,
May you have a more pleasant day than I.
Signed –
-Percy Weasley